Superjail! (2007) s02e09 Episode Script
Superjail Grand Prix
[ Italian accent .]
Grazie! Grazie! [ Gasps .]
Aaaah! [ Grunting .]
[ Laughs .]
[ Audience groans .]
[ Groans .]
Oh, life on the outside ain't what it used to be you know, the world's gone crazy, and it ain't safe on the street oh! well, it's a drag, and I know there's only one place to go I'm coming home whoa, yeah I'm coming home Jared: Welcome, cons, johns, and mafia dons! Jared here, live from Superjail's greatest spectacle of sporting.
Tell us why we're here, Alice.
Alice: Nuh.
Jared: That's right -- it's time for the Superjail Grand Prix, the one time of year where breakouts and suicides are replaced with elbow grease and imagination.
These custom-built cars are about to race for the prize only a prison can give -- freedom! That is, if you-know-who doesn't beat them to the finish.
To date, our warden is the Superjail Grand Prix's undefeated champ.
But it's not a crime to dream, boys.
Alice: Nope -- just stupid.
Have you got the warden-mobile's final component? Oh! What-a the hell, eh? Warden: Hell? [ Laughs .]
Oh, no.
You flatter me.
This is merely Superjail.
I am the warden -- jailer/ racing enthusiast, and you've got a job to do.
Jared: Yes, sir! If I were still a betting man, the money I'd steal from my co-workers would be on lord stingray, whose villainous vehicle, the stinger, is the odds-on favorite.
What do you say, big "A"? Is Stingray the man to beat this year? Alice: I don't know.
Warden: You heard the lady! I did-a not-a see nor hear a lady! Warden: Look, I need a ringer to win this.
You've got glory and acclaim to spare.
All I want is to borrow some.
If you win the race in my guise, I'll have my victory, and you'll be allowed to go free! Warden: Did I mention I'd throw in a whole truckload of cigarettes on those fancy holder things? Uh-oh! Wardrobe! My, my -- a dead ringer! Hmm.
Except for one thing.
[ Gasps .]
My-a racer's mustache! How-a dare -- [ Knock on door .]
Warden: Quick -- someone's coming.
Pretend you're me and exude an air of intimidating brilliance.
So, this is the competition? Nice wind-up toy, warden.
All it needs is a new hood ornament! [ Snorts, spits .]
Eat my dust, loser! [ Laughs .]
This-a Stinkray of yours is a disgrace.
I will-a shame him on the track! Warden: Yeah! Now you're talking almost my language! Jared: Tension is building as the incarcerated racers take their place.
Alice: You know, we get paid the same no matter how much we talk.
Jared: There's the checkered flag, and Ash takes the lead! Looks like he's coming into that first turn a little hot, folks.
Whoa! Oh! Aaaaaaah! Jared: He'll figure out how to turn one of these years, Alice.
Alice: Doubt it.
[ Tires screech .]
Warden: Not bad! Santo Giuseppe! You still back there?! Warden: Where else would your navigator be? If I can't feed you inside information on how I designed the track, I'd practically be cheating! Nobody tell-a Franco how to race! Warden: Can I at least "tell-a" you to "keep-a" your eyes on the "road-a"? Jared: And here come the pack through ambush alley! Alice: This ought to get the death toll off and running.
This a-track -- she cannot be tamed! Ridiculo! Warden: Quick -- avoid factors of 7! At the Superjail Grand Prix! Just look how close our fans get to the action! Hey, is that my office?! Ah [Bleep.]
Damn it! [ Tires screech .]
[ Indistinct shouting .]
[ Tires squeal .]
Oh, Zucchini's hurt! He's hurt bad! [Bleep.]
Aaaaaah! [ Laughs .]
Excellent work, hench-bitch! Warden: This turn isn't on the course.
Why -- dear lord -- the loafer! Jared: Ah, yes, the loafer, the man-to-lunch-meat maker.
Guess now we know what's for dinner! Ooh! That's got to hurt! Warden: Somebody threw us off! Stingray! Jared: Uh-oh.
Here comes a double dose of trouble.
Poo.
I've got human juice on my chaos orb.
It makes a fine racing stripe.
Agreed.
Aaaaaah! Jean, I can't wait till we win our freedom.
We're gonna have a beautiful house on the beach.
We'll have a lovely garden for entertaining.
Oh, with a koi pond.
Yeah, and a nice carport to show off this bad boy.
Uh, no.
I don't see any room in here for a baby seat.
Do you? You got to be kidding me.
You like your dick? 'Cause the last man who laughed at me, I cut it off and stuffed it in his neck -- that I slit.
Jared: There's plenty more excitement ahead as our racers venture into Superjail's annexed outer zones! Alice: Not if Doodles and Captain Fuzz button have anything to say about it.
[ Groans .]
Warden: Just look at him! Thinks he can manhandle my race! This-a course is-a madness! Look at the laser! I'm-a racing with-a dinosaur now! Warden: Oh, you'll want to take the big guy on the left.
Jared: That can only mean one thing -- a mirror world, where tiny dangers live larger than life.
Warden: The yellow button! Hurry! Hey-a, you call this-a racing?! The track -- I can-a barely feel her! Jared: And out they come.
Stingray looking very strong, as I predicted.
Pretty resourceful, but where is the style? Warden: Will you get it together?! Don't they have parasite drones where you're from?! Ugh! [ Coughs .]
Jailbot! Pit stop! [ Tires screech .]
Jared: Looks like an unscheduled pit stop from the warden.
What do you think his strategy is here, Alice? Alice: I don't know.
Freaking car's on fire.
[ Tires screech .]
Warden: Hey, let's go! We're ready to -- what the hell?! What? You expect I get-a my second wind just like that? Guardiano, racing is-a no mere game! A racer lives, loves, and dies on-a the track! Hey! Vincenzo, Albertino, Antony! Come, my beautiful bastards! Break-a bread with-a your papa, huh? Warden: Aw, come on! Jared: Well, this is certainly a pleasant change of pace for our road-- yowza! Alice: Okay! I thought this part was gonna be totally lame.
Hey, there, little buddy.
I got some candy inside.
Do you like candy? [ Growls, roars .]
Baby, get back in the car! I didn't mean it! Of course I want to be with you on the outside! No! Go win your stupid race with that -- thatawful truck you love so much! What?! I can't hear you, damn it! Oh, so now you suddenly can't hear me.
Baby, look out! Oh, Jean.
You really do care! Alice: Yuck.
This zone looks nastier than the level-C bathrooms.
Jared: The acid swamps are home to all of Superjail's septic and chemical runoff.
But that won't stop some plucky racers from trying to find a shortcut.
Alice: Yeah -- to death.
Jared: No bones about it! Ha ha! [ Groans .]
[ Beep .]
[ Beep .]
Warden: Ugh! Disgusting! Hold that stink stick of yours outside, would you? I've never met someone so unconcerned for the well-being of others! Fine.
But one-a little cigarette -- [ Screams .]
Ha! Kiss my acid lake, warden! Warden: My goodness! You need medical attention! After you finish the race.
Oh, the track, she's a-made me unable to love her! You car! Warden: What?! No! I can't! But-a you win every year! You can beat-a the Stinkray if you just believe in yourself! Warden: No, I mean I can't drive! I don't know how! I hire a ringer every year! Then this-a yearYou learn! Jared: The warden's got to make a move -- and soon -- if he wants to win the trophy.
All men-a can race, guardiano.
Just do what comes-a natural.
Hands at-a dieci and due! [ Beep .]
Hm.
Good instincts, eh, but raise your grip.
Hold her tight.
She will-a resist, but you must fight her.
Force yourself on her.
[ Tires squeal .]
EhA bit aggressive.
You passion -- I like-a your passion, eh? Warden: Why is it so scary if it feels so good? [ Middle Eastern accent .]
No matter.
I can still fulfill my divine purpose! Jared: Oh, God! I think he's gonna bl-- oh.
Oh, I-I do love falafel bowls.
But enough about me.
As the racers begin their final ascent up Mount Trutmore -- wait.
What's this? I don't believe it! If I didn't know any better, I'd say the warden's throwing caution to the wind and blazing forward with no strategy whatsoever! Alice: Yeah.
Maybe he didn't hire a ringer this year.
Jared: Oh, sh-shut up! [ Alarm blaring .]
It's any man's race at this point! Stingray and warden are neck and neck! But wait -- what's this? Amazing! It looks like the twins are gonna take the flag in their Alice: Pair of balls.
Jared: And, boy, they must be pretty excited! Bored now.
Me too.
And hungry.
Then let us depart.
And wage a Snack Attack.
Jared: Ow! An unfortunate accident has left the warden and Stingray again battling for the lead.
This is it, loser! Victory is mine! Warden: Balderdash! Victory is mine! Aah! Jared: It looks like both drivers have eschewed vehicles altogether and elected to finish this grueling race mano a mano! The warden by a neck! Stingray by a nose! A photo finish! But who is the winner? Alice: I guess that guy.
Jared: [Bleep.]
My bookie's gonna kill me.
Warden: Well, can't win them all, huh, buddy? Whoa.
You are not looking so hot.
[ Coughs .]
Oh.
I always knew I would-a die if I ever lost a race.
And most of my marinara, eh? It's-a just as well.
The Superjail Grand Prix -- she's-a ruined me for any other race.
Warden: Don't say that.
You still have so much to teach me! No, guardiano! You pass-a your driver's test.
Reach into my pocket.
She belongs-a to you now.
[ Grunts .]
I'll go to that big racetrack in the sky! Warden: What, that one? Careful.
Careful! No, stupido, no!
Grazie! Grazie! [ Gasps .]
Aaaah! [ Grunting .]
[ Laughs .]
[ Audience groans .]
[ Groans .]
Oh, life on the outside ain't what it used to be you know, the world's gone crazy, and it ain't safe on the street oh! well, it's a drag, and I know there's only one place to go I'm coming home whoa, yeah I'm coming home Jared: Welcome, cons, johns, and mafia dons! Jared here, live from Superjail's greatest spectacle of sporting.
Tell us why we're here, Alice.
Alice: Nuh.
Jared: That's right -- it's time for the Superjail Grand Prix, the one time of year where breakouts and suicides are replaced with elbow grease and imagination.
These custom-built cars are about to race for the prize only a prison can give -- freedom! That is, if you-know-who doesn't beat them to the finish.
To date, our warden is the Superjail Grand Prix's undefeated champ.
But it's not a crime to dream, boys.
Alice: Nope -- just stupid.
Have you got the warden-mobile's final component? Oh! What-a the hell, eh? Warden: Hell? [ Laughs .]
Oh, no.
You flatter me.
This is merely Superjail.
I am the warden -- jailer/ racing enthusiast, and you've got a job to do.
Jared: Yes, sir! If I were still a betting man, the money I'd steal from my co-workers would be on lord stingray, whose villainous vehicle, the stinger, is the odds-on favorite.
What do you say, big "A"? Is Stingray the man to beat this year? Alice: I don't know.
Warden: You heard the lady! I did-a not-a see nor hear a lady! Warden: Look, I need a ringer to win this.
You've got glory and acclaim to spare.
All I want is to borrow some.
If you win the race in my guise, I'll have my victory, and you'll be allowed to go free! Warden: Did I mention I'd throw in a whole truckload of cigarettes on those fancy holder things? Uh-oh! Wardrobe! My, my -- a dead ringer! Hmm.
Except for one thing.
[ Gasps .]
My-a racer's mustache! How-a dare -- [ Knock on door .]
Warden: Quick -- someone's coming.
Pretend you're me and exude an air of intimidating brilliance.
So, this is the competition? Nice wind-up toy, warden.
All it needs is a new hood ornament! [ Snorts, spits .]
Eat my dust, loser! [ Laughs .]
This-a Stinkray of yours is a disgrace.
I will-a shame him on the track! Warden: Yeah! Now you're talking almost my language! Jared: Tension is building as the incarcerated racers take their place.
Alice: You know, we get paid the same no matter how much we talk.
Jared: There's the checkered flag, and Ash takes the lead! Looks like he's coming into that first turn a little hot, folks.
Whoa! Oh! Aaaaaaah! Jared: He'll figure out how to turn one of these years, Alice.
Alice: Doubt it.
[ Tires screech .]
Warden: Not bad! Santo Giuseppe! You still back there?! Warden: Where else would your navigator be? If I can't feed you inside information on how I designed the track, I'd practically be cheating! Nobody tell-a Franco how to race! Warden: Can I at least "tell-a" you to "keep-a" your eyes on the "road-a"? Jared: And here come the pack through ambush alley! Alice: This ought to get the death toll off and running.
This a-track -- she cannot be tamed! Ridiculo! Warden: Quick -- avoid factors of 7! At the Superjail Grand Prix! Just look how close our fans get to the action! Hey, is that my office?! Ah [Bleep.]
Damn it! [ Tires screech .]
[ Indistinct shouting .]
[ Tires squeal .]
Oh, Zucchini's hurt! He's hurt bad! [Bleep.]
Aaaaaah! [ Laughs .]
Excellent work, hench-bitch! Warden: This turn isn't on the course.
Why -- dear lord -- the loafer! Jared: Ah, yes, the loafer, the man-to-lunch-meat maker.
Guess now we know what's for dinner! Ooh! That's got to hurt! Warden: Somebody threw us off! Stingray! Jared: Uh-oh.
Here comes a double dose of trouble.
Poo.
I've got human juice on my chaos orb.
It makes a fine racing stripe.
Agreed.
Aaaaaah! Jean, I can't wait till we win our freedom.
We're gonna have a beautiful house on the beach.
We'll have a lovely garden for entertaining.
Oh, with a koi pond.
Yeah, and a nice carport to show off this bad boy.
Uh, no.
I don't see any room in here for a baby seat.
Do you? You got to be kidding me.
You like your dick? 'Cause the last man who laughed at me, I cut it off and stuffed it in his neck -- that I slit.
Jared: There's plenty more excitement ahead as our racers venture into Superjail's annexed outer zones! Alice: Not if Doodles and Captain Fuzz button have anything to say about it.
[ Groans .]
Warden: Just look at him! Thinks he can manhandle my race! This-a course is-a madness! Look at the laser! I'm-a racing with-a dinosaur now! Warden: Oh, you'll want to take the big guy on the left.
Jared: That can only mean one thing -- a mirror world, where tiny dangers live larger than life.
Warden: The yellow button! Hurry! Hey-a, you call this-a racing?! The track -- I can-a barely feel her! Jared: And out they come.
Stingray looking very strong, as I predicted.
Pretty resourceful, but where is the style? Warden: Will you get it together?! Don't they have parasite drones where you're from?! Ugh! [ Coughs .]
Jailbot! Pit stop! [ Tires screech .]
Jared: Looks like an unscheduled pit stop from the warden.
What do you think his strategy is here, Alice? Alice: I don't know.
Freaking car's on fire.
[ Tires screech .]
Warden: Hey, let's go! We're ready to -- what the hell?! What? You expect I get-a my second wind just like that? Guardiano, racing is-a no mere game! A racer lives, loves, and dies on-a the track! Hey! Vincenzo, Albertino, Antony! Come, my beautiful bastards! Break-a bread with-a your papa, huh? Warden: Aw, come on! Jared: Well, this is certainly a pleasant change of pace for our road-- yowza! Alice: Okay! I thought this part was gonna be totally lame.
Hey, there, little buddy.
I got some candy inside.
Do you like candy? [ Growls, roars .]
Baby, get back in the car! I didn't mean it! Of course I want to be with you on the outside! No! Go win your stupid race with that -- thatawful truck you love so much! What?! I can't hear you, damn it! Oh, so now you suddenly can't hear me.
Baby, look out! Oh, Jean.
You really do care! Alice: Yuck.
This zone looks nastier than the level-C bathrooms.
Jared: The acid swamps are home to all of Superjail's septic and chemical runoff.
But that won't stop some plucky racers from trying to find a shortcut.
Alice: Yeah -- to death.
Jared: No bones about it! Ha ha! [ Groans .]
[ Beep .]
[ Beep .]
Warden: Ugh! Disgusting! Hold that stink stick of yours outside, would you? I've never met someone so unconcerned for the well-being of others! Fine.
But one-a little cigarette -- [ Screams .]
Ha! Kiss my acid lake, warden! Warden: My goodness! You need medical attention! After you finish the race.
Oh, the track, she's a-made me unable to love her! You car! Warden: What?! No! I can't! But-a you win every year! You can beat-a the Stinkray if you just believe in yourself! Warden: No, I mean I can't drive! I don't know how! I hire a ringer every year! Then this-a yearYou learn! Jared: The warden's got to make a move -- and soon -- if he wants to win the trophy.
All men-a can race, guardiano.
Just do what comes-a natural.
Hands at-a dieci and due! [ Beep .]
Hm.
Good instincts, eh, but raise your grip.
Hold her tight.
She will-a resist, but you must fight her.
Force yourself on her.
[ Tires squeal .]
EhA bit aggressive.
You passion -- I like-a your passion, eh? Warden: Why is it so scary if it feels so good? [ Middle Eastern accent .]
No matter.
I can still fulfill my divine purpose! Jared: Oh, God! I think he's gonna bl-- oh.
Oh, I-I do love falafel bowls.
But enough about me.
As the racers begin their final ascent up Mount Trutmore -- wait.
What's this? I don't believe it! If I didn't know any better, I'd say the warden's throwing caution to the wind and blazing forward with no strategy whatsoever! Alice: Yeah.
Maybe he didn't hire a ringer this year.
Jared: Oh, sh-shut up! [ Alarm blaring .]
It's any man's race at this point! Stingray and warden are neck and neck! But wait -- what's this? Amazing! It looks like the twins are gonna take the flag in their Alice: Pair of balls.
Jared: And, boy, they must be pretty excited! Bored now.
Me too.
And hungry.
Then let us depart.
And wage a Snack Attack.
Jared: Ow! An unfortunate accident has left the warden and Stingray again battling for the lead.
This is it, loser! Victory is mine! Warden: Balderdash! Victory is mine! Aah! Jared: It looks like both drivers have eschewed vehicles altogether and elected to finish this grueling race mano a mano! The warden by a neck! Stingray by a nose! A photo finish! But who is the winner? Alice: I guess that guy.
Jared: [Bleep.]
My bookie's gonna kill me.
Warden: Well, can't win them all, huh, buddy? Whoa.
You are not looking so hot.
[ Coughs .]
Oh.
I always knew I would-a die if I ever lost a race.
And most of my marinara, eh? It's-a just as well.
The Superjail Grand Prix -- she's-a ruined me for any other race.
Warden: Don't say that.
You still have so much to teach me! No, guardiano! You pass-a your driver's test.
Reach into my pocket.
She belongs-a to you now.
[ Grunts .]
I'll go to that big racetrack in the sky! Warden: What, that one? Careful.
Careful! No, stupido, no!