The Brady Bunch (1969) s02e09 Episode Script

1
Here's the story
Of a lovely lady
Who was bringing up
Three very lovely girls
All of them had hair of gold ♪
Like their mother
The youngest one in curls ♪
It's the story of a man named Brady ♪
Who was busy with
three boys of his own ♪
They were four men living all together ♪
Yet they were all alone
Till the one day when
The lady met this fellow
And they knew that it was
Much more than a hunch
That this group must
Somehow form a family
That's the way we all
Became the Brady Bunch
The Brady Bunch
The Brady Bunch
That's the way we became
The Brady Bunch.
Clark?
Huh?
This map of the United
States I'm drawing
looks kind of weird.
Oh, it'd look better
if you hadn't forgotten Baja California.
Yeah, I guess that would help.
How's the homework going?
Terrific.
Clark's so wonderful, so super.
I can't believe it.
I'll take one just like him
in the big economy size.
Little girls are so funny.
Jan was so worried
she'd never have a boyfriend.
Well, let's face it 11 years old!
She's not getting any younger.
Mom, have you or Alice
seen my math book?
I think it's in the family room, Marcia.
Thanks.
Honey, Jan and Clark Tyson
are in there studying.
I won't disturb them.
Hi.
Hi.
Clark, this is my sister, Marcia.
This is Clark Tyson.
Hi!
Hi.
We're studying for
a geography test tomorrow.
I'll get out of your way.
No hurry.
Wow, have you got a neat sister!
You think so?
Wow! How did you get a sister like her?
Just lucky, I guess.
Hi, Mom. Hi, Dad.
Hi, honey.
How was your day?
Just terrible.
The worst. Really the worst.
I'm so mad I could Oh, am I mad!
Something happen at school?
Something didn't happen at school.
Clark didn't even look at me.
I saw him at lunch, and I passed
him in the hall five times.
Maybe he had something else
on his mind.
He sure did Marcia.
Marcia?
Yes, Marcia.
It's all her fault.
What's Marcia got to do with Clark?
Well, I'm not sure,
but I think our blue-eyed daughter
has been smitten
by the green-eyed monster.
( Tauntingly ): Mirror, mirror on the wall,
who's the fairest one of all?
Hi. What's with you?
What I want to know is
what's with you and Clark Tyson?
Who?
Don't pretend you don't remember.
After what you did yesterday
when Clark and I were studying,
and you came slinking in
Oh, him.
Your little friend from school.
He's not my little friend from school.
He's taller than I am,
and he's the best-looking
boy in my class.
You came in there on purpose
just to turn on your icky old charm.
Are you kidding?
Why would I be interested in him?
He's only a child, and I'm a woman.
He's not a child. He's 12.
You're being ridiculous.
All I did was walk in the room
and pick up my book.
Well, if that's all,
why did his eyes nearly
pop out of his head?
I can't help it if his eyes popped.
You were trying to steal
my boyfriend, and you know it.
I just came in for my book.
Then why did he drool over you,
and pay no attention to me?
Jan, if boys don't find you attractive,
don't blame it on me.
Marcia, what's going on
between you and Jan?
I don't know, Mom.
She came in here accusing me
of stealing her boyfriend.
Imagine! A mature person like me
trying to steal a 12-year-old.
Well
you must have done something, honey.
Not a thing. Honest.
Yesterday, when she was studying
with Clark,
and I went in to get my book, I said hi.
Now, what's wrong with that?
Well, that all depends on how you said it.
( Casually ): Hi, or
( flirtatiously ): Hi.
( laughs )
Mom, it's nothing more
than sibling rivalry.
That means competition between
brothers or sisters.
Gee, I'm glad you cleared that up.
As long as you're smart
enough to know what it means,
let's see if you're smart
enough to help put a stop to it.
I'll do everything I can,
but it's really up to Jan.
Greg?
Yeah?
You busy?
Yeah. What do you want?
I need some advice.
Okay.
Shoot.
It's about boys.
I thought you shrewd females
knew all about us poor, dumb guys.
Well, this is for a friend of mine.
See, she met this real cute guy,
and everything was groovy.
Until then, all of a sudden,
he lost interest.
Why would a guy do this to my friend?
Just lose interest?
Maybe she's using the wrong kind
of toothpaste.
I'm serious, Greg.
Well, how should I know?
The guy probably found something
about her he didn't like.
Such as what?
Maybe she's got a face
that would scare snakes.
She has not.
Is she too fat?
No.
Too thin?
No.
Well, then it's got to be her crummy face.
Who is it?
Just some unfortunate girl.
Thanks, Greg.
Yuck!
It's my crummy face.
Greg was right.
Rotten freckles.
( Sighs )
Cinnamon cookies!
They're Jan's favorites.
Thought I'd make some to cheer her up.
Well, I guess a shattered romance
can be pretty rough at that age.
Oh, yeah.
I remember when I was ten or 11,
I had a big crush on a girl.
Had three teeth missing in front.
You or the girl?
( laughs ): The girl.
Yeah she was all gums, but I loved her.
Threw me over for a kid
who could whistle
through his nose.
( Whistling )
Oh, Mike.
I once had an offer
of marriage when I was seven.
Looking back, I should've taken it.
Mom?
Can I go to the store, please?
Well, don't be long, dear.
Dinner's almost ready.
Who can eat?
I wish there was something we could do
to make her feel better.
Maybe we could give her
some of her birthday presents
in advance.
Hey, better than that
how about a surprise birthday party?
Wonderful.
A party's a sure cure for the blues.
With balloons and paper streamers
and cake and ice cream?
The works!
Now, this is a very important meeting.
High-level, top-secret stuff.
Jan isn't here yet.
That's the whole point.
We're planning her
surprise birthday party
for Saturday night.
A surprise party?
Neato.
What do we do?
We'll do anything.
Just tell us.
Cindy, you're in charge
of putting candles on the birthday cake.
You know how many to put on?
Sure. I can even count high enough
to put candles on your cake.
That many candles would
be against the fire laws.
( All laughing )
Marcia, you have the honor
of baking the cake.
Oh, great. Let's see
I'll bake a double chiffon
orange, three-layer, upside-down,
with pink frosting and
peppermint sherbet filling.
Bobby, you're in charge
of blowing up the balloons.
A good job for him he's a windbag.
Na-na-na, na-na, na-na.
Greg, you and Peter will be
in charge of the decorations.
Balloons, paper streamers, all that jazz.
Now, any questions?
Who's in charge of ice cream?
That's my department.
Want to trade? You blow up balloons,
and I could be in charge
of the ice cream.
That would be like putting
a mouse in charge of the cheese.
Thank you.
Something for you, young lady?
Oh, I was just looking around.
Do you have any kind of, um
well something to get rid of freckles?
Freckles?
It's for a friend of mine.
For a friend of yours. Hmm
I suppose these freckles she has
they're a real big problem?
They're ruining her life.
Oh, that's too bad.
Making her a social outcast.
Oh, that is a shame.
Pretty girl, I suppose,
if it weren't for those old freckles.
Well, she's not bad-looking.
I mean, not really ugly or anything.
It's just
Those old freckles.
I can see you understand.
Indeed I do.
Well, is there anything I can
I mean, she can use?
Well, there's some creams
and ointments,
but I wouldn't recommend them.
Oh.
You might suggest
to your friend
that a little lemon juice wouldn't hurt.
And stay out of the sun, too.
I sure will.
Thank you.
( Chuckling )
We've got to hide these
birthday presents
someplace where Jan won't look.
Hey, how about under my bed?
Sure.
( Door rattles )
Yikes!
Get under the bed!
( Whispering ): What's
she doing with lemons?
I guess she wants sour skin.
PETER: You should
have seen the neat girl
Clark Tyson and I walked home with.
Her name's Ginny Wilmer.
Talk about cool.
GREG: Yeah, I saw her.
She's not bad.
She's really neat.
All the guys in our class are flipped.
Well, I only saw her from a distance.
PETER: She's even better up close.
Kind of crazy eyes.
Lots of freckles.
Boy, do they make her look out of sight!
There goes your last excuse.
It isn't the freckles.
It's just dumb old you.
( Sobbing )
Bobby, would you mind
telling everyone dinner's ready?
Okay. But what's the matter with Jan?
She sure is acting funny.
In what way?
First, she rubbed a lemon on her face,
and then she started crying.
Lemon?
Jan?
Dinner's about ready.
I'm not hungry.
Hey, hey, what's the problem?
Come on, let's talk about it.
There's nothing to talk about.
Jan, you'll only make it worse
keeping it to yourself.
Nobody understands.
Oh, I think we do, Jan.
Clark Tyson's just one boy.
One of these days,
you'll meet another one.
You sure will.
Hundreds of them.
You mustn't feel left out
because you don't have a boyfriend now.
But I do have a boyfriend.
Oh, you do?
He's one of the nicest boys in the school.
And he thinks I'm super cool.
That's wonderful.
What's his name?
His name is George.
George what?
George, uh
George Glass.
George Glass.
I'll go wash up for dinner.
I'm starved.
A minute ago, she was
never going to eat again.
Now she's starved and
has a new boyfriend.
Hmm Well, go figure out a woman.
Even her size.
Wow! That's pretty wild.
Way out.
That's really something.
What is it?
A painting.
Yeah, well, the idea had occurred to us.
I painted it for Jan's birthday Saturday.
Oh, she'll love it, Peter.
But you may have to explain what it is.
It's supposed to be an elephant
walking through some woods.
Oh, yeah, of course. It's an elephant.
Oh, sure. I can see it clearly now.
There's the old elephant, right there.
That's a clump of trees.
The elephant's over here.
Oh, well, with this light in here,
it's kind of hard to see.
Hi, Mom.
Hi, honey. How's the new boyfriend?
Huh?
George.
Oh, George. Terrific.
Every day, in school,
he carries my books
and my tray in the cafeteria.
He's out of sight.
I'm home.
Hi, pumpkin.
Hi, Daddy.
Hey, what does he look like?
Who?
George your new boyfriend.
He's sort of tall and dark and handsome.
How come you never
said anything about him?
I don't go around blabbing.
What's so unusual about
having a new boyfriend?
It just seems funny
you never said anything.
Yeah. How come he never phones?
Oh. Well, don't worry. He will.
Hello, operator?
Will you call back on 762-0799?
There may be something wrong
with our bell.
Thank you.
( Phone rings )
JAN: I'll get it.
Sure.
Hello.
This is Jan.
Oh, hi, George.
It's so thoughtful of you to call.
Excuse me, George.
Do you mind?
This is a personal phone call.
Yes, George, I'm listening.
Okay, you guys.
The other girls were
absolutely green with envy
when this real cute boy
started talking to me.
What boy? Gordon?
Oh, Dad.
I'm talking about Tommy.
Oh, Mike, you're out of it.
Gordon was weeks ago.
You got to have a computer
to keep up with her boyfriends.
We forgot the pickles.
I'll get them.
No, I'll go.
Hello, operator?
We're having trouble with our phone.
Will you call back at 762-0799, please?
Thank you.
Hey, where are the pickles?
I guess we're out of them.
( Phone rings )
I'll get it.
Ah!
I'll put up a sign:
"Watch out for housekeepers
crossing highway."
Thanks, Alice.
( Ringing )
Hello.
Oh, hi, George.
Sure, I can talk.
It's so sweet of you to call, George.
King George is back on the line.
His father must own the phone company.
Boy, is he giving her the rush.
Mind an interruption, dear?
No.
I have an inspiration.
Bring it in. I could use one.
You know how crazy
Jan is about George.
Why don't we invite him
to her birthday party?
That way, she'd have a double surprise.
Hey, you're right. That is an inspiration.
Of course, we have to find George
without letting Jan know.
I'll round up the other kids
and put them on his trail.
Hi, Mom.
Hi, honey. How did it go?
What about George?
I couldn't find him.
There's no George in Jan's class.
Hi, Dad.
Hi, honey.
Oh, hey, wait a minute.
What's the word on George?
It's a mystery, Dad. Really.
What do you mean?
I checked in the attendance office.
There's no George Glass
in the whole school.
Well, Mike, the mystery
about George deepens.
Oh, yeah? How do you mean?
I covered this whole area.
There's no George Glass
in this part of town.
That's strange.
Sorry.
You tried, Greg.
Mike, are you thinking
the same thing I'm thinking?
Mm-hmm. There's no
George Glass, period.
Exactly.
Why? Why this problem with boys?
She's bright and attractive.
I wish I knew.
We'd have to ask a boy.
What do you want to ask me
about, Mrs. Brady?
Thank you.
Well, Clark, we've been
curious about something.
And, since you're in Jan's class,
we thought you might be able to tell us.
I'll try.
It's about Jan.
How do the boys feel about her?
They all like her.
They do?
Yeah. She's a real good guy.
"Guy"?
But, Clark, Jan is a girl.
Yeah, but she doesn't look
too much like one.
She doesn't wear groovy clothes.
You don't say?
She's a swell guy.
Thanks, Clark. I get the picture.
Good arm.
( Whistling merrily )
Dad!
No pictures! I look terrible!
I'll make sure to keep you off-camera.
Okay, let's go, Jan.
( Whispers ): Hi.
Gee I didn't even know it was you.
Yeah, this dress is kind of dumb, isn't it?
What's so dumb about it?
I think it's cool.
You mean you like it?
CLARK: Yeah, I like it.
You make a great-looking girl.
Wow!
Gee, thanks.
Happy birthday! Surprise!
Surprise! Happy birthday!
Surprise! Surprise! Surprise!
Happy birthday! Happy birthday!
Happy birthday!
Happy birthday, Jan.
Oh, gee, thanks, Clark.
Oh, Mom, Dad, it's terrific.
I couldn't have been more surprised.
Yeah. One thing, though.
How about George?
Oh, it doesn't really matter.
I've given George up.
To me, he doesn't even exist anymore.
CAROL: Here you go.
A piece for you.
Hold on one second.
And a scoop coming up.
Whammo.
Seconds?
Well, that must be good cake.
( Children talking excitedly )
There you go.
Whammo number two.
That's good.
Have you tasted this?
Yeah. It's thick and rich and gooey.
Just the way I love it.
Well, I think the party's
a swinging success.
Yep. Two down, one to go.
What do you mean?
First, Marcia had a boyfriend problem,
then it was Jan. Cindy's next.
Cindy? She's only eight years old.
She won't be interested in boys for
a couple of weeks yet.
I think I'd like to amend that prediction.