Tom Goes to the Mayor (2004) s02e09 Episode Script
C.N.E.
0
Jefferton alive
Hi. I'm the Mayor,
and my door is always open for you!
Jefferton alive
My name is Tom Peters,
and I'm full of ideas.
Community spirit!
Hi. How are you?
Shopping!
Food!
Free to be, being free ♪
Jefferton alive
Here you go, my sweetheart.
Take a bite, my honey.
Here, have some more.
Oh, you're too much.
Come on. Oh, do it.
Not again.
You filthy pervert!
Quit moaning,
I'm trying to watch my TV!
Join us all week long for
Behind Closed Doors.
A deep exploration of Jefferton's
sexual problems and
dirty secrets!
What turns you on, Wayne?
What turns you on, Jan?
The news just got a little hotter!
Mayor's office.
- It's Tom Peters.
- I'm sorry, sir, you must speak up a little.
It's Tom Peters!
I'm sorry.
I'm just a little
under the weather today.
Well, you look terrible, Tom.
Yeah, I'm just a little dizzy or something. I don't know.
- Take a seat, please.
- No, thanks. I was
Just stopping by
to propose a new buffet
Excuse me.
Good morning, Peter.
How are you? I'm Dr. Vickerson.
I'm your doctor.
Well, we got your tests back here and
looks like you've got a
a bad case of Chronic
Nocturnal Emissions on your hands.
Around here,
the boys like to call it CNE.
You see, Tom, due to your lifestyle,
you and your hormones
have reverted
to a schoolboy sexual level.
And your body deals with it through these
what we like to call "wet dreams."
If we take a look at your e-chart
it looks like
you've also developed a
a nasty case of ISS as well.
It's what we like to call
Irritable Semen Syndrome.
That explains
the burning and the rashing.
There's really
two ways to treat CNE.
The first and easiest is to simply examine your relationship with your wife.
Well, that's not gonna happen!
And the other alternative is to perform emergency
testicular surgery,
which would be quite intensive
and painful.
I'm talking balls painful.
I guess
that's a lot to consider.
- I just have a couple of questions
- And we are
done here.
What's going on?
Your Cinco Insurance just ran out.
You have a 12-hour policy.
Sorry about this. Peter, take care.
Don't listen to this quack, honey.
Let's get a second opinion.
I think my private physician
can treat your sick dong.
- Hello? Emergency.
- Hey, Mayor.
- Hey, Michael.
- Doctor
If I could
Another good one, guys.
Steven,
I've been reviewing your charts
and I may have a solution for your sticky problem.
First off,
it's Tom Peters here
and I'm sorry, did you say
you had access to my medical records?
Of course he does, Tom.
Michael's a medical doctor.
He's also the official rep for Provo-C.
I'm just not sure,
you know, what that is.
Can you believe this ragtop?
He's just a boogie board.
What an idiot!
Well, get ready to be blown away.
Everyone wants to know
what is Provolanaproxalidamine-C?
Provo-C was designed
by several Dutch scientists
to attack the source
of your Chronic Nocturnal Emissions
and to strategically eliminate all traces of sexual desire.
Although originally designed as a dangerous fox repell--
So, what do you think, Tom?
Well, it sounds like a miracle drug.
I'd love to get my hands
on some of those pills.
What, are you a millionaire?
Yeah, it's not really
in your price bracket, buddy, OK?
- Come on, Tom.
- OK.
Well, we tried, old friend.
All right, well,
thanks anyway, Mayor.
Wait a second, wait.
Let me just spitball something
past you here.
You've done some modeling in the past?
Well, not so much, but,
I guess in terms of my goal sheet
Hey, Mayor. I think Steven here could be our new spokesmodel.
He'd be perfect, Michael.
How do you do it?
Well, I really don't want my image to be associated with
a penis disease.
Come on, you'll get all the free anti-arousal pills you'll ever need.
It's just a few photo ops, big guy.
Come on, Tom.
Don't you wanna be famous?
All right.
Hi. I'm Tom Peters
and for years I have not been able to control my unpleasant
and embarrassing CNE.
But thanks to taking
Provolanaproxalidamine-C
five times per day
my sheets, my bed and my wife
are all dry again.
More smiles, or
OK. Sexier?
Let's make a star, Michael.
Tom, it's happening,
just what you wanted.
Yeah, it really just feels so right,
Mayor, I can't tell ya.
You're becoming a star, big guy.
Yeah, I guess I am.
Hello, Jefferton!
Are you ready to be knocked
right out of your socks?
You've heard the buzz,
now open your arms and embrace
Pro-vo-la-na-prox-a-lida-mine-C!
Yeah!
All right! Here come the Provo-C girls.
You think you can turn me on?
Well, bring it on!
That's right. Come on and sit on uncle Tom's lap here.
See? No dice.
Dry as a bone.
Mayor, your boyfriend's getting out of control.
I wonder if the Food Court has any of those crispy chicken tiddlers I love so much.
Now, don't forget to watch Channel 5 tomorrow night for my big, live interview.
Hey, Gibbs, it's me.
Just checking in, seeing what you're doing this weekend.
Me, I'm taking the Model
down the coast for some lobster tail.
Excuse me. Hey.
We're gonna need you on the set in five minutes, Mr. Peters.
Gibbons, I gotta jet,
I'm doing my live interview.
I'll give you a buzz later.
News flash,
we got another warm soda here.
Mayor, you don't seem
to be doing anything worthwhile.
I'm sorry, Tom. Looks like the problem
is that we're running low on ice.
- Can't you two idiots get anything right?
- Steven, calm down.
My name is not Steven!
OK, OK. Tom,
it's like I told you before
The rider your agent faxed over is very elaborate
Would you just go to hell?
Good news, Tom.
I found a cold shrimp soda for you.
You guys just don't get it, do ya?
I'm outta here.
You listen and you listen close.
If you walk out that door,
we'll have a big problem, Tom.
- Don't do it, guy.
- I am Tom Peters, OK?
You just go ahead and try to sell this crap without me.
Tom, I'm warning you.
You will be fired as the spokesperson
for Provolanaproxalidamine-C
and you will not get any more pills!
Get out of my way!
Without those pills,
your CNE will flare up again.
Shut up, Mayor.
I don't need those pills,
I don't need you, or you, or you.
I don't need any of this!
Oh, no.
Please. No.
No!
Son of a
There goes another nightgown.
Children, I'm trying to record an outgoing greeting.
Hi, this is Tom Peters and family,
welcome to
Hey, Steven it's me again,
Dr. Michael Ian Black.
Just talked to the guys upstairs
and I wanna pass along some info.
Considering
that you were such a gumball
not only have we dropped you as our spokesmodel
but we'll also charge you
for all the Provo-C that we already gave ya.
So if you got a problem with that,
call our lawyers.
Bye, Steve.
You scared me.
Hey, Mayor, Michael, good to see you.
I'm glad you stopped by, though.
I wanted to apologize
for the way I behaved the other day.
But I do need those pills,
so if there's anything I can do
I'm sorry, Tom,
no can do, buddy.
Oh, OK.
Well, looks like Joy and I have a lot of talking to do, then.
Shoot.
There's my ISS kicking in.
What a mess.
Abso-lutely.
Jefferton alive
Hi. I'm the Mayor,
and my door is always open for you!
Jefferton alive
My name is Tom Peters,
and I'm full of ideas.
Community spirit!
Hi. How are you?
Shopping!
Food!
Free to be, being free ♪
Jefferton alive
Here you go, my sweetheart.
Take a bite, my honey.
Here, have some more.
Oh, you're too much.
Come on. Oh, do it.
Not again.
You filthy pervert!
Quit moaning,
I'm trying to watch my TV!
Join us all week long for
Behind Closed Doors.
A deep exploration of Jefferton's
sexual problems and
dirty secrets!
What turns you on, Wayne?
What turns you on, Jan?
The news just got a little hotter!
Mayor's office.
- It's Tom Peters.
- I'm sorry, sir, you must speak up a little.
It's Tom Peters!
I'm sorry.
I'm just a little
under the weather today.
Well, you look terrible, Tom.
Yeah, I'm just a little dizzy or something. I don't know.
- Take a seat, please.
- No, thanks. I was
Just stopping by
to propose a new buffet
Excuse me.
Good morning, Peter.
How are you? I'm Dr. Vickerson.
I'm your doctor.
Well, we got your tests back here and
looks like you've got a
a bad case of Chronic
Nocturnal Emissions on your hands.
Around here,
the boys like to call it CNE.
You see, Tom, due to your lifestyle,
you and your hormones
have reverted
to a schoolboy sexual level.
And your body deals with it through these
what we like to call "wet dreams."
If we take a look at your e-chart
it looks like
you've also developed a
a nasty case of ISS as well.
It's what we like to call
Irritable Semen Syndrome.
That explains
the burning and the rashing.
There's really
two ways to treat CNE.
The first and easiest is to simply examine your relationship with your wife.
Well, that's not gonna happen!
And the other alternative is to perform emergency
testicular surgery,
which would be quite intensive
and painful.
I'm talking balls painful.
I guess
that's a lot to consider.
- I just have a couple of questions
- And we are
done here.
What's going on?
Your Cinco Insurance just ran out.
You have a 12-hour policy.
Sorry about this. Peter, take care.
Don't listen to this quack, honey.
Let's get a second opinion.
I think my private physician
can treat your sick dong.
- Hello? Emergency.
- Hey, Mayor.
- Hey, Michael.
- Doctor
If I could
Another good one, guys.
Steven,
I've been reviewing your charts
and I may have a solution for your sticky problem.
First off,
it's Tom Peters here
and I'm sorry, did you say
you had access to my medical records?
Of course he does, Tom.
Michael's a medical doctor.
He's also the official rep for Provo-C.
I'm just not sure,
you know, what that is.
Can you believe this ragtop?
He's just a boogie board.
What an idiot!
Well, get ready to be blown away.
Everyone wants to know
what is Provolanaproxalidamine-C?
Provo-C was designed
by several Dutch scientists
to attack the source
of your Chronic Nocturnal Emissions
and to strategically eliminate all traces of sexual desire.
Although originally designed as a dangerous fox repell--
So, what do you think, Tom?
Well, it sounds like a miracle drug.
I'd love to get my hands
on some of those pills.
What, are you a millionaire?
Yeah, it's not really
in your price bracket, buddy, OK?
- Come on, Tom.
- OK.
Well, we tried, old friend.
All right, well,
thanks anyway, Mayor.
Wait a second, wait.
Let me just spitball something
past you here.
You've done some modeling in the past?
Well, not so much, but,
I guess in terms of my goal sheet
Hey, Mayor. I think Steven here could be our new spokesmodel.
He'd be perfect, Michael.
How do you do it?
Well, I really don't want my image to be associated with
a penis disease.
Come on, you'll get all the free anti-arousal pills you'll ever need.
It's just a few photo ops, big guy.
Come on, Tom.
Don't you wanna be famous?
All right.
Hi. I'm Tom Peters
and for years I have not been able to control my unpleasant
and embarrassing CNE.
But thanks to taking
Provolanaproxalidamine-C
five times per day
my sheets, my bed and my wife
are all dry again.
More smiles, or
OK. Sexier?
Let's make a star, Michael.
Tom, it's happening,
just what you wanted.
Yeah, it really just feels so right,
Mayor, I can't tell ya.
You're becoming a star, big guy.
Yeah, I guess I am.
Hello, Jefferton!
Are you ready to be knocked
right out of your socks?
You've heard the buzz,
now open your arms and embrace
Pro-vo-la-na-prox-a-lida-mine-C!
Yeah!
All right! Here come the Provo-C girls.
You think you can turn me on?
Well, bring it on!
That's right. Come on and sit on uncle Tom's lap here.
See? No dice.
Dry as a bone.
Mayor, your boyfriend's getting out of control.
I wonder if the Food Court has any of those crispy chicken tiddlers I love so much.
Now, don't forget to watch Channel 5 tomorrow night for my big, live interview.
Hey, Gibbs, it's me.
Just checking in, seeing what you're doing this weekend.
Me, I'm taking the Model
down the coast for some lobster tail.
Excuse me. Hey.
We're gonna need you on the set in five minutes, Mr. Peters.
Gibbons, I gotta jet,
I'm doing my live interview.
I'll give you a buzz later.
News flash,
we got another warm soda here.
Mayor, you don't seem
to be doing anything worthwhile.
I'm sorry, Tom. Looks like the problem
is that we're running low on ice.
- Can't you two idiots get anything right?
- Steven, calm down.
My name is not Steven!
OK, OK. Tom,
it's like I told you before
The rider your agent faxed over is very elaborate
Would you just go to hell?
Good news, Tom.
I found a cold shrimp soda for you.
You guys just don't get it, do ya?
I'm outta here.
You listen and you listen close.
If you walk out that door,
we'll have a big problem, Tom.
- Don't do it, guy.
- I am Tom Peters, OK?
You just go ahead and try to sell this crap without me.
Tom, I'm warning you.
You will be fired as the spokesperson
for Provolanaproxalidamine-C
and you will not get any more pills!
Get out of my way!
Without those pills,
your CNE will flare up again.
Shut up, Mayor.
I don't need those pills,
I don't need you, or you, or you.
I don't need any of this!
Oh, no.
Please. No.
No!
Son of a
There goes another nightgown.
Children, I'm trying to record an outgoing greeting.
Hi, this is Tom Peters and family,
welcome to
Hey, Steven it's me again,
Dr. Michael Ian Black.
Just talked to the guys upstairs
and I wanna pass along some info.
Considering
that you were such a gumball
not only have we dropped you as our spokesmodel
but we'll also charge you
for all the Provo-C that we already gave ya.
So if you got a problem with that,
call our lawyers.
Bye, Steve.
You scared me.
Hey, Mayor, Michael, good to see you.
I'm glad you stopped by, though.
I wanted to apologize
for the way I behaved the other day.
But I do need those pills,
so if there's anything I can do
I'm sorry, Tom,
no can do, buddy.
Oh, OK.
Well, looks like Joy and I have a lot of talking to do, then.
Shoot.
There's my ISS kicking in.
What a mess.
Abso-lutely.