United States of Al (2021) s02e09 Episode Script

1
Hmm. I have never decorated
a Christmas tree before.
Do each of these ornaments
have a special meaning?
Yeah, they're all free.
That one I got for
opening a savings account.
That one I got for
eating a 40-ounce rib eye.
That racy one I got in Vegas.
Don't turn it upside down
if there's kids in the room.
Mm.
And where did the
tradition of bringing a tree
into the house come from?
Oh, it goes way, way back.
Yeah. My parents did
it, their parents did it.
Uh, but who did it originally?
Jesus?
- Hey.
- Hey.
Merry Christmas, everyone.
Hey, Sunshine.
Oh, sorry. Happy holidays, Al.
Oh, you can say Merry Christmas to me.
Are you sure?
I am sure.
I am the expert in
what you can say to me.
Is this a little muffler?
Yeah, I got that with an oil change.
Oh, hey, can I talk to you for a minute?
Sure.
That's a big gift discussion
happening right now.
Someone's getting a PS5.
Ah.
- What's up?
- Hey, so,
keep an open mind, but would you be okay
if I took Hazel on Christmas Day?
Oh, that's easy. No.
Look, it would just be for a few hours.
Freddy's parents really want to do
something special together.
Oh, Freddy's parents want to see her?
Why didn't you just tell me?
Of course I'll give up
my child on Christmas
so your boyfriend's parents can see her.
You could just say no.
That's what I led with.
Not assuming anything,
but Game-Zone offers military discounts.
They're open till 9:00.
Hey, Riley. What you drinking?
Ginger ale? Glass of milk?
Ha, ha.
So, how you doing?
Eh, so-so.
Gave my number to this
guy a couple weeks ago.
Thought we had a moment.
Thinking about spitting in his beer.
Well, he sounds like a
jerk, a handsome jerk.
Look, I was gonna call.
Things in my life are kind of messy,
I figured you wouldn't
want to deal with it.
I can deal with a lot.
Back in the Navy, I was
the one who had to tell
200 angry sailors when
we were out of corn bread.
[CHUCKLES]
[PHONE RINGING]
This is Holly.
Hi, Holly, it's Riley.
I was wondering if I
could buy you dinner?
Riley who?
Hassina, tell me what
this makes you think of.
["JINGLE BELLS" PLAYING OVER PHONE]
That's the song all the
ice cream men play in Kabul.
Get this, it is a Christmas song
here, so it is always playing.
Are you craving ice cream all the time?
All the time.
Luckily, they sell ice
cream in every store.
Even hardware stores have it.
Oh. Where have you been?
Date.
It's 9:00 a.m.
Good date.
Oh, Hassina.
Salaam. How are you?
Not as good as you. Look at that smile.
Yeah, I went on a date with Holly.
Holly the alcohol seller?
Yep.
Bro, she's got a Harley.
We rode all over the city.
I've never sat in back before.
I thought it would be emasculating,
but it gave me more time to look around.
I'm happy for you, Riley.
Don't forget to invite
me to your wedding.
Okay, bye, Hassina.
Oh, my gosh, dude, we had so much fun.
She's got throwing knives.
Throwing knives.
And we were naked.
That's not necessary for the story,
I'm just painting a picture.
So, uh, what about Vanessa?
All you've been talking about
is trying to get her back.
Maybe I'm wasting my time.
I did everything she asked me to do.
I got a therapist,
applied for disability.
What's it get me?
She's going to Freddy's
parents' for Christmas.
She might be testing you.
Who cares if she is?
Holly likes me the way I am now.
She likes me a lot.
In fact, this morning she
Do not paint a picture.
In the Christmas movies,
people come to your
house and sing at you.
Yeah, it's a seasonal form
of torture called caroling.
Will people be doing it here?
Not if Dad's sprinklers still work.
[CHUCKLES] They do.
Checked them this morning.
[KNOCKING ON DOOR]
- Hello?
- Hey, in here!
You're not supposed to eat raw eggs,
but I've had half this
bowl and I feel fine.
Huh.
Hello, Merry Christmas.
- Hello, Lois.
- How are you?
Happy holidays, Al.
You're right, it happens a lot.
Merry Christmas, Lois.
What you got there?
It's your Christmas present.
I can put it under the tree
or you can open it right now and wear it
to your Christmas party.
So I guess it's not the
socket wrenches I asked for.
Oh, holy moly.
It's so soft.
Al, feel this.
In Afghanistan, we have the softest
Oh, wow.
If you don't like it,
I can take it back.
You better not.
Ah, you look great.
He does, doesn't he?
It fits him so well. Where'd you get it?
Brunello Cucinelli.
I never say this unless
I'm holding a gigantic fish,
but take my picture.
So, you let a naked woman
throw a knife at you?
Let her? Doc, I dared her.
You want to know what I think?
You just described my job.
I think the reason Vanessa
and I are always butting heads
is because she wasn't in the service.
Holly's been deployed, she gets me.
Like you.
So now I'm wondering,
if I had been with Holly
all this time,
would I be having all these problems?
You know there's a difference
between the start
of a relationship and the end of one.
Yeah, but I don't have to explain
every little thing to her.
She's been through it.
Like, it's so hot she's been to Okinawa.
So have I.
Don't wreck it.
[CHUCKLES]
So, what do we do when
I have a breakthrough?
Go out for beers? Fire up stogies?
You had a date. Let's
not get carried away.
But
you can't talk about
cigars and not have one.
[LAUGHS]
What do you want for Christmas, Dad?
Just to spend time with you, baby.
Great, crossing you off my list.
Hey, uh
how would you feel if I brought a friend
to Grampy's Christmas party?
A friend, huh?
Yes. A friend.
Is it a girlfriend?
Maybe.
Say it. Say "girlfriend."
I won't bring her if it's weird for you.
No, you can bring her.
Mom has Freddy. You can bring someone.
Thanks. I think you'll like her.
Mind if I bring my boyfriend?
What?
Too easy.
Might not want to stand there.
Why not?
Mistletoe.
That sad little bush?
If you're under it with another person,
you're supposed to kiss.
Ah, sort of like when
the camera turns on you
at a baseball game.
No, it's
Actually, yeah.
Well, thank you for warning me.
[WHISTLES]
- We're here.
- Oh, hi.
- Ho, ho, ho.
- Merry Christmas.
Glad you guys could make it.
We wouldn't miss it.
That is one nice sweater.
- Thank you.
- May I?
I insist.
Oh, yeah.
Right? Oof.
The craftsmanship is extraordinary,
and I say that as an
experienced yarn worker.
Yep, Freddy made this one
for me. Isn't it great?
So colorful.
All I see are my mistakes.
There she is.
- Hi, Dad.
- Hey. [GRUNTS]
This is my friend I
was telling you about.
Hi, Hazel. I'm Holly.
- I like your Chucks.
- Oh, thanks.
I like your shoes.
Are they uncomfortable?
You have no idea.
Looks like it. I'm gonna go do a lap.
She's cool.
Told you.
So, uh, who's that?
Who, Holly?
That's Holly.
And how do we know Holly?
She works at the VFW bar.
Yeah, she and Riley have been
hanging out for a week or so.
And he's bringing her to Christmas?
Uh, let me check. Yes.
Here you go.
And one for you.
And you don't drink, but
everybody loves magic.
What?!
Is it weird for you to see them do that?
No. [CHUCKLES]
'Cause it's weird for me
to watch you watch them.
What are those, Dad?
We ran out of pigs. They're
just getting blankets.
Hey, Art, where would I find ice?
Oh, come on, Holly. You're
a guest. Enjoy the party.
- It's in the garage freezer.
- Copy that.
Good sweater, Dad.
I know, right?
Ooh, looking good.
I'm gonna get, like,
seven more of these.
[CHUCKLES] I don't think so.
Why not?
Does the name "Brunello Cucinelli"
mean anything to you?
Was he in The Godfather?
He's a designer, and he
makes very expensive sweaters.
How expensive?
If the house catches fire,
save the sweater, then
come back for Riley.
I know what you're thinking.
You didn't know my bedroom
was gonna be this sexy.
I'm wondering whose
ribbon rack you stole.
There is no way you earned
all that chest candy.
You still have no idea
how impressive I am.
Oh, you hide it well.
[LAUGHS]
I'm bored.
- Me, too.
- You are?
- You want to shoot some hoops?
- Really?
As long as you're okay
with getting schooled.
In those shoes? I don't think so.
[CLEARS THROAT]
Riley, some people are saying
they want to go caroling.
Who?
Just people.
With songs in their heart.
We don't want to disappoint the people.
Hey, can I talk to you for a minute?
Okay, I'll let everyone
know you're on board.
You're kidding, right? Bringing
some random girl to Christmas?
She's not random, and I don't
know what your problem is.
Uh, my problem is that you're doing it
right in front of our daughter.
I talked to her about it. She's cool.
Besides, you brought Freddy.
Great party, man. Thanks for having us.
Thank you, Freddy.
I'm glad you both could make it.
You think it's a good idea
for me to do my magic trick?
No.
It's just that Mrs. Foster
is going to early Mass, so
No, Freddy.
Stop smiling.
[LAUGHING]: I can't.
Al says you want to go caroling?
I did not say that.
Okay, that makes more sense.
Where's your sweater?
I didn't want anyone
spilling anything on it.
Oh, come on. If you're not
gonna wear it for Christmas,
- when are you gonna wear it?
- I'll find a time.
You know, if you don't like
it, you can just tell me.
I love it. It's just, do you
know how much that thing costs?
Don't worry about it.
How can I not worry about it?
I drive three towns
over for the cheap gas.
If it's not your thing,
it's not your thing.
It's not. I mean,
what kind of person wears
a sweater that costs so much?
- I do.
- Seriously?
What if it shrinks in the dryer?
What happens if you get moths?
After you die, does your
family fight over it,
or do you bury yourself
in it like King Tut?
Are you done?
I'm not trying to offend
you, but come on. [CHUCKLES]
Well, I am offended.
And you don't put it in the dryer.
Mmm.
You know, Riley's just doing this
to get a rise out of me. [LAUGHS]
Take it easy on the punch.
It's making you talk.
This is his father's
party, and he's ruining it.
He's ruining his father's party.
Does anyone feel like
caroling? I hear it's fun.
You know, not to mention,
he's using that poor girl.
I'm gonna go set him straight.
- Don't.
- What?
Knock it off. You're embarrassing me.
I'm just saying what
everyone's thinking.
Are you kidding?
You've been throwing a fit
since we got here 'cause,
what, your ex has a date?
I thought you were here with me.
I am. Just sit down.
Thank your dad for the nice party.
Hmm.
Maybe I will just go caroling by myself.
What the hell is wrong with everyone?
Vanessa, I love you, but the only reason
you're angry is because Riley's happy.
Leave him alone.
[HUMMING "JINGLE BELLS"]
Uh, Mr. Art, you're not
wearing your beautiful sweater.
It's in my bedroom under the Picasso.
Okay. Where's Lois?
I don't know. Probably
out buying me a yacht.
[PHONE RINGING]
- Salaam, Hassina Jaan.
- HASSINA: Salaam.
How's the Christmas?
Oh, it is wonderful and magical, and
It is crazy. Everyone is fighting.
So, it's not like in the movies?
No, except for maybe Die Hard.
So how long have you and
my dad been friends?
We've been friends
for a couple of years,
and "friends" for about a week.
- Oh.
- Hey!
We out here playing
basketball or Barbies?
Okay, I see you.
So, what's the plan with you guys?
Man, you really drive
to the basket, don't you?
I'm just trying to figure out
whether it's worth
learning your last name.
Beat me to 11, maybe I'll tell you.
Come on. Come on.
Hey.
Hey.
Your party's going great.
I mean, it's usually not the
host who leaves early, but
I don't know what to tell you.
I'm a simple guy.
With a lot of opinions.
It's just who I am, and
I'm too old to change.
[CHUCKLES]
I don't mind that you have money.
Y-You obviously do.
But I earned it, and I want to spend it
on things that make
me happy, which was you
until two hours ago.
So, what do we do?
Well, first, you
apologize for being rude.
- I think I did that.
- You did not.
I am so sorry.
And you don't get to make me
feel bad for the choices I make.
So, you want me to get
my head around the fact
that you're rich and sexy and generous?
I'll give it a shot.
You're very brave.
And next year,
I'll give you those socket wrenches.
Next year? I like the sound of that.
Want to stick around
for the after-party?
You gonna wear the sweater?
That's all I'm gonna wear.
[LAUGHS]
Hey. What are you doing in here?
I drank too much.
Where's your girlfriend?
She went home. Where's your boyfriend?
He went home.
Everyone's pissed at me.
What did I do?
[SIGHS] Well
you are half in the bag and were
rude to everyone at the party.
Kind of stole my move there.
I put up with so much from you.
You were a mess for years,
and you cheated on me.
You refused to get help.
I'm so mad.
[SIGHS]
You're right.
I'm sorry. I really am,
and I'm working on it.
If you get better, and then
she gets you, how is that fair?
Where is that coming from?
I don't know.
Are you saying
you want to give us another chance?
I don't know.
Oh, God.
I hate being the messy one.
Look,
what if you're better with Freddy,
and I'm better with someone else?
Can you just leave me alone?
I'll get you some water,
some coffee and a bucket.
Maybe not in that order.
[PLAYS NOTE ON PITCH PIPE]
Deck the halls with boughs of holly
Fa-la, la-la, la, la, la, la, la
La, la
'Tis the season to be jolly
Fa-la, la-la, la, la, la, la, la
- Do you think they can hear us?
- Don we now our
- Go!
- [SCREAMING]
- Go! Go!
- [SCREAMING]
And Merry Christmas, you son of a b