Going Dutch (2025) s02e10 Episode Script

[BAND MUSIC]
[HUMMING]
- [BONE CRACKS]
- Oh! My back. Oh, my God.
[GROANING]
[BREATHING HEAVILY]
[BAND MUSIC]
[GRUNTING]
Oh, bacon.
Oh come on, bacon.
I-I've defended my country
my whole life.
Please let me have this bacon.
[DRAMATIC MUSIC]
[MAGGIE] Something is definitely wrong.
I mean, you know that the colonel thinks
that five minutes early
is ten minutes late.
I'm sure it's fine. It's only 8:03.
- It's 8:03?
- Mm-hmm.
Oh, my God, he's probably dead.
He's probably dead.
I'm gonna call him, right?
I'm just gonna check on him.
Yeah. Just, uh, double check.
[AUTOMATED MESSAGE] Hello,
no one is available
Of course, that went to the
voicemail he's never set up.
- I'm gonna go check on him.
- Yeah.
He's been putting a down payment
on a heart attack for a while.
Oh, last week, he told me
he was in his "bacon era."
I have been begging him to cut down
to a slab every other day. Oh!
[BAND MUSIC]
Oh, my God, you're not dead.
Just horribly injured. What happened?
Come here. I've got something
to tell you.
No, dad, dad, I'm-I'm here, I'm here.
- It's important.
- Yeah.
Put the bacon in my mouth. [SIGHS]
Nah-uh-uh. Floor bacon first.
Floor bacon?
- Uh
- Uh, I can't
let the bacon win.
- Well
- Oh, yeah.
Yeah. Ah-ah, ah, ah. Mm.
Ugh.
[THEME MUSIC]
[BAND MUSIC]
[MAGGIE] Rest up.
- It's doctor's orders.
- Doctor's orders.
You know, you slip a couple
of discs, and all of a sudden,
the doctor is like at the top
of the chain of command.
Look, the base is in good hands.
Shah and I are gonna hold it down
until you're up on your feet.
Let's get you set up with that,
uh, World War II documentary
you've been going on and on about.
Unseen footage of American troops
trashing Hitler's hideout.
- Just what the doctor ordered.
- I know.
- There you go.
- The bunker inside the bunker.
Water, meds. Anything else
you need before I go?
Yeah, they're at the bunker.
- Do you need anymore, like
- Shh, shh, shh!
That's the door.
They're opening the door.
They're going to the bunker,
inside the bunker.
- I get you
- [PATRICK] Shh.
Oh, my god, these are the steps
that lead down to the steps
that lead down to the bunker
inside the bunker.
- [DOOR CLOSES]
- I'm gonna rewind.
Ow, ow!
[BAND MUSIC]
Oh, hey, I didn't know that
you were gonna be here working.
- Uh, hi.
- But that's cool.
That's right. I'll just,
I'll just stick to my office
You-you work in here,
do you want to work in here?
I'm good. I can go there,
I-I can be anywhere.
But we can work in the same room.
I know that you didn't want to
get romantically involved
'cause you said it was unprofessional,
and I respect that.
So I'm cool, but if you're cool,
look, we could
That's great. Okay, that's great.
Yeah, we'll just, uh
I'm just gonna keep it pro, you know?
- Keep it pro.
- Just keeping it pro.
We don't have to act on
every feeling that we have.
No, certainly not.
I mean, if everyone did that,
the world would be complete chaos.
There'd be murdering all the time.
Yeah, and sex on the streets, right?
I mean, I would be doing
the murdering one.
That's what I would be doing.
If I had the choice between the two,
but we're just pros
keeping it pro, so
- Yep, yep, yep.
- Just All right.
[CHUCKLES]
[PHONE RINGING]
- Oh, uh
- You want, uh
- Well, you can
- Uh
- All right.
- No, it's okay.
My answer, phone.
Uh, Major Shah.
[INDISTINCT PHONE CHATTER]
Uh-huh. Um, Yeah.
Okay, uh-huh. Yep, yep, yep.
Yeah, uh-huh, got it.
Yes, I will be right out.
Mm, looks like there's
a report of a landmine
in the nearby farm field,
so I should probably
What that the weird farmer?
Shah, that crank calls
like twice a week.
Last time we were there,
you dug up sardine cans.
Okay, yeah, yeah, but I probably
should just go make sure.
So I'll assemble a UXO
to take over there.
And you stay here.
Um, adios amiga!
[WHISPERS] That was terrible.
[SHAH] When locals find
unexploded military devices,
they call the army.
So, as the UXO Team,
we've been tasked with
sweeping for landmines at a local farm.
Now, as someone
with an extensive landmine
defusal experience, I've worked
with the best of the best.
You know the team from The Hurt Locker?
When they got scared, they came to us.
And I've pretended to see
that movie on so many dates.
Okay, well, before we get into
the nitty-gritty of it all,
I assume you've both read
the training manual.
Don't need a manual
when you got a RUXO.
- A what?
- The Robotic UXO.
The latest and greatest in
landmine detection technology
capable of using high-tech sonar
to safely identify mines
from every era of modern war.
- Also, he's cute as hell.
- Mm-hmm.
[RUXO] I am RUXO.
I am ready to serve.
[PAPADAKIS] But I know
what you're wondering.
- Can he dance?
- Wasn't wondering that.
- [RUXO] I can dance.
- I hacked his code.
Five, six, seven, eight!
- [PAPADAKIS SCATTING]
- [RUXO] I can dance.
I can dance.
That was really entertaining.
Okay, let's turn that off now.
Beep-boop.
Very good, RUXO, great dancing.
But you're otherwise useless,
because unexpected problems
always arise.
Things a robot isn't programmed to do,
but I can make real-time
adjustments in the field.
Well, the army is ordering us
to use RUXO
in any landmine clearing, so
Okay, fine. We can bring Private RUXO.
- Yes!
- Oh, actually, he's a major.
- Major? Same rank as me.
- Mm.
That's great.
[RUXO WHIRRING]
I don't love that salute.
Today, we have the DFAC
inventory check due.
So, if it's cool with you guys,
and I'm so sorry to even
ask you to do this,
because I know how annoying it could be,
and obviously,
let me know if it's too much,
but it would be so, so awesome
if you guys could handle that.
And if any issues arise,
obviously let me know,
but I don't think that there will be.
Uh, would you guys be able
to handle that?
- Sorry, what?
- You know what?
I'm just gonna do it.
I-I-I will add that to my list.
So, uh, what do I do with
these performance reviews
that the colonel asked me to file?
The performance reviews
of every soldier on the base?
Mm-hmm.
I-I will go ahead
and take care of that as well.
Yeah, absolutely.
Get that off your plate.
Thank you, you're the best.
Oh, yeah, well
Uh, you guys are, well, dismissed.
- I'm gonna go lie down.
- Yeah.
[MAGGIE] Okay, bye, Gideon.
Bye. All right, let's see
what the, uh, colonel
has to say about me.
All right, um, Captain Maggie Quinn.
Dah, dah, dah, dah, dah.
"A stand-out officer."
[CHUCKLES]
"Soldiers under her command gave her
exemplary marks, which proves that
she is overly concerned
with being liked."
[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC]
What?
[BAND MUSIC]
[SHAH] So, what, we're supposed
to just sit here
and watch WALL-E work?
- Yeah.
- Yeah, it's a good idea.
- We should sit.
- We should sit. Oh!
[PAPADAKIS]
We should sit down and relax.
Unbelievable.
- [DANA] Uh, Major Shah?
- Uh-huh?
- Cheesy Puffs?
- I'm good.
Oh, Shah, have a squat.
- I'm gonna be standing.
- Okay.
- [MACHINE BEEPING]
- Oh, that's weird.
Our hero seems to be stuck in the mud.
[RUXO] Help, help, help
That's funny. RUXO is stuck in the mud.
And you know who's never been
stuck in the mud? Me, human me.
For a human, you're not having
much compassion right now.
Imagine how scared he is out there.
- Scared?
- What are we gonna do?
We can't leave a man behind.
That's like the one thing
I know about the military.
It's not a man, it's a machine
that we're gonna be
throwing away in
the scrapyard very soon.
Hello, is this the 702nd EOD Company?
Great, this is Major Abraham
Shah with USAG Stroopsdorf.
The robot that you're trying
to replace me with
is disabled in the field.
[RUXO] Help me, help me.
Uh-huh, okay.
Yeah. Mm-hmm, yes.
No, thank you, sir. Thank you.
Okay, so apparently,
RUXO costs $2 million,
and I have been ordered to rescue him
because his life is worth
more than mine.
- Oh, you said him.
- Mm-hmm.
- Felt so cute.
- [GROANING]
[FEET THUDDING]
[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC]
[DOOR CREAKING]
Hello, father.
You scared me. I almost
grabbed my couch pistol.
Just checking to see
if you need anything.
Maybe water, perhaps?
Yeah, that'd be great, hon. Thanks.
It's important to stay hydrated.
Yeah, thank you. [GRUNTS]
I can't. [CHUCKLES]
Why don't I fluff that pillow?
- Okay.
- Mm.
- Make sure you're comfortable.
- Yep. Ow.
[PATRICK GROANING]
[EXHALES] Is that better?
Why are you going all full
Kathy Bates in Misery on me?
I'm just being a little bit of a jerk!
Look, I don't care about being liked.
- You read your review.
- I read my review.
That's classified. [GROANS]
Coming from the man who said classified?
More like ass-ified.
Your problem is that you hem and haw
when you're supposed
to be giving a direct order
because you're afraid about
your soldiers' "feelings."
Feelings are a real thing,
and they don't need air quotes.
And I happen to believe
that a relaxed workplace
is a productive workplace.
Are you an army captain,
or the manager of a Margaritaville?
The people who work for you
are not supposed to like you.
They're supposed to hate you
because you're the boss, okay?
Plus, it's fun to be mean.
You know what? You're right.
- What do you mean?
- Watch this.
[WOMEN GRUNTING ON TV]
What the hell's that?
Enjoy Real Housewives of Minnesota.
[PATRICK] Oh. No, no, no. No.
These people, their accents
are gonna sound even stupider
when they're drunk.
- [DOOR SLAMS]
- No!
[RUXO] Help me. Help me.
[PAPADAKIS] It's okay, RUXO.
Help's on its way.
[DANA] Stay strong, RUXO.
Major Shah looks like a Ninja Turtle
that let himself go. [CHUCKLES]
- [SHAH] What?
- Oh.
I said you look like a Ninja Turtle
that's let himself go, sir.
[PAPADAKIS] You do, major. You do.
[SHAH] Approaching the extraction point.
[RUXO] Help me.
[DANA] Don't worry, RUXO.
Stepdaddy Shah is coming to save you.
- Help me.
- Okay.
RUXO, stop moving backwards.
Advance towards me.
[RUXO] I can dance.
[SHAH] I said advance!
- [RUXO] I can dance.
- Adv
- I said advance.
- [RUXO] I can dance.
Listen to my words.
You need to come towards me.
- Advance.
- Warning. Landmine detected.
Okay. Okay.
- Warning. Landmine detected.
- Hey, guys?
Hey, did RUXO lighten
the mood with a funny joke?
Yeah, we saw you all dancin'. [LAUGHING]
- He's so funny, right?
- [SHAH] I'm on a landmine.
[RUXO] Warning.
Landmine detected.
I know!
[MAGGIE] Specialist Gideon.
You don't think I care
too much about being liked.
- Do you?
- This feels like a trap.
Oh, no, I, I just want
your honest feedback.
Well, yeah, you do care
too much about being liked.
Okay, thank you. I appreciate that.
I know it's hard to talk
to a superior officer.
Actually, since you asked,
you wear too much deodorant.
You slouch when you sit,
your taste in music is super dated.
When you sing, there's no joy.
And your handwriting,
it's super bubbly and immature.
Okay, that's great. Thank you, Gideon.
None of that was devastating.
And you are dismissed.
[SHAH] I need you to call Maggie,
but don't tell her I'm in danger.
I don't want to worry her.
Just play it cool.
I don't want you to die.
I don't want to see
someone explode. Not again!
Look, I don't want to die either.
Just play it cool. That is an order.
Okay.
- [CELLPHONE BUZZING]
- [SIGHS]
- Captain Quinn.
- Hey, girl.
How's my queen?
I'm fine. What's up?
- So, not an emergency.
- Chill.
Yeah, we just found a landmine.
[MAGGIE] Okay.
But Shah can defuse it?
[DANA] Shah told me to call you.
He said the landmine's
from the World War II era.
We need an expert in weaponry
from that time.
Do you know anybody?
[MAN ON TV]
The T30 heavy tank was designed
to counter the German Tiger I
and Tiger II tanks.
It's footage of the T29, you morons.
I gotta fact check everybody.
No, no one's coming to mind.
But I-I will find somebody for you guys.
Well, I mean, take your time.
Just grab some food if you want.
Maybe some sushi,
and some cold ones and
Okay, girl, bye.
Why would you tell her
to stop for beers?
I don't know.
Shah told me to play it cool.
And I'm freaking out.
Hold on, Shah! Help us on the way!
And-and-and they're bringing beer.
[RUXO] I am ready to serve. Beer.
[JAN] Diederik, this is Maggie.
Maggie, Diederik.
Yeah, thank you so much
for bringing your
great uncle in to help us out.
My absolute pleasure.
You know, he has big time
World War II knowledge
because he's old and he lived it.
[SPEAKING IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE]
He dealt firsthand with landmines.
- Uh-uh.
- I-I'm so sorry to hear that.
Did you lose somebody to a mine?
[SPEAKING IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE]
Okay, so when he was a boy,
he had placed the landmines himself.
Is there any chance your great uncle
was a little Nazi collaborator?
You know, I have never asked.
- You should ask.
- Okay.
- Um, Diederik
- Hmm?
[SPEAKING IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE]
Ja!
- Okay.
- [LAUGHING]
[SPEAKING IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE]
Okay, so, yes, basically
he wanted the Nazis to like him.
He wanted the Nazis to like him?
Yeah, because they had
the good chocolates, you know.
Uh, Jan, you can ask your
great uncle to get off the base
and never, ever, ever come back.
[SPEAKING IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE]
Let's get you some chocolate.
[SPEAKING IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE]
- Yeah.
- I'm so sorry
- [PATRICK] Hey.
- Hey.
Listen, after hanging out with a man
who once was a boy who helped a Nazi,
I am realizing the perils
of needing to be liked.
Tales as old as time.
And you are gonna help me
disarm a World War II landmine.
That's how you give an order.
Okay, I like it. Let's roll.
And when I say let's roll,
I mean, I'm gonna roll over
and the adrenaline's
gonna kick in and
I'm gonna stand up and go.
[SCREAMS]
Oh, huh, no adrenaline.
- Uh
- Oh, my God.
We're gonna make it a FaceTime, okay?
- Okay.
- Excuse me.
[SHAH] In my own life,
I am always cautious.
I mean, I literally ran away
from the woman that I love.
And that's why I'm standing here
right now.
I mean, I played it safe once again.
And now I am about to die.
[RUXO] Warning.
Landmine detected.
You said it, brother.
[DANA] Shah, Maggie's here.
It's gonna be okay now.
Hey, dad, can you, uh, can you see?
Maggie, I can't hear you.
You're on mute.
Maggie, uh, wait.
- My mic was off.
- Yep.
[PAPADAKIS] All right,
thank God you're here.
I'm-I'm-I'm trying to think of
the cool way to say this.
Uh, so, Shah is standing
on the landmine.
Shah's on the landmine?
Shah, don't move!
Trust me, I won't!
Okay, uh
[RUXO] I can dance, I can dance.
RUXO was more of a dancer
than an emergency responder.
- No shade to RUXO.
- Oh, no, not at all.
We need more artists in the world.
Now more than ever.
- Shah, I'm coming!
- Maggie, what are you doing?
[DANA] Maggie, we can't
let you go out there!
Is that what we should have done?
Should we've done that?
I mean, I'm holding a walkie.
[BAND MUSIC]
[SIGHS]
Hi.
So, I'm, I'm
I want to make sure you're okay.
Maggie, what the hell are you thinking?
- Yeah.
- And I'm muting.
[PATRICK]
Guys, I can't see anything.
- What's going on?
- Okay, so, how do we, um,
give-give you
Listen, I've been doing
a lot of thinking out here.
And RUXO is a very good listener.
I've planned to save my whole life,
and I still ended up
right here, about to explode.
And while I've been standing
on this landmine,
the only thing that is going
through my head over,
and over again is that
I've never got a chance to do this.
[SOFT MUSIC]
I want to stay like this forever.
We probably should.
Because any more movement
on top of this landmine
is not a good idea.
- Landmine! Landmine.
- Landmine! Landmine.
- Okay.
- Okay.
- Okay.
- [MAGGIE] Dad, we need you.
There you are.
Listen, Shah, we just need to know
what kind of a mine we're dealing with.
So when you stepped on it,
did it make a-a tic-tic sound,
or a cur-cur-cur-cur, or a click-clack.
A click-clack.
Ah, okay, dealing with
a German Tellermine.
You're lucky it wasn't a Bouncing Betty
which they used at the beginning of
the war, like, in the Saar Offensive.
And then they used it again
Shut up, tell us what
to do with this mine!
You really own it being a jerk.
- I like it.
- Get to the point!
All right, UXO Team, listen up.
This is big time.
I need absolute perfection from you,
or else this could end in disaster.
- Do you understand me?
- Sure.
I said, "Do you understand me?"
[BOTH] Yes, ma'am.
The ruder she is, the more
I want to listen to her.
- Me too.
- Now, with this era of mine,
you've got a dig around
the plate perimeter.
And I-I'm gonna stabilize Shah.
Just make sure he doesn't
shift off the mine.
- Yeah.
- [PATRICK] You know,
that's not really necessary.
Okay, well, you're not here, so
- Okay, okay, almost there.
- Perimeter exposed.
All right, and I've got mud
on my hands, but I don't care.
- I'm working through it.
- Good.
Now, you loosen that hinge
and you cut the red wire.
- Cut the red wire.
- Yep.
My life is a movie. I am the hero.
- Now, I'm gonna get the girl.
- I better not be the girl.
- Okay, back in the movie.
- Back in the movie.
Red wire.
[TENSE MUSIC]
- Okay.
- Good.
- Okay.
- Now
- Yeah.
- Ready?
Ready.
[SCREAMING]
[ALL CHEERING]
Hey, stop jumping, guys.
Stop jumping.
Oh, he's right, he's right,
right, right. No jumping.
- Okay. No more jumping.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
How about that?
Sucker was a dud the whole time.
[DANA] Oh, look at RUXO
stretching his legs,
now that he's out of the mud.
[PAPDAKIS] I can't believe
we were freaking out.
There was no danger! [LAUGHING]
- [EXPLOSION]
- [SCREAMING]
[SHUDDERS]
Yeah, I'm leaving the UXO Team.
Oh, oh!
[ALL SCREAMING]
[BAND MUSIC]
[MAGGIE] Wow, I mean, so much
for Minnesota nights.
- I know, right?
- These housewives are vicious!
The last episode, Nora bit Lainey.
- Bit?
- Bit her.
- Twice.
- Oh, I like Lainey.
So awesome, I love her.
Hey, listen, I already
said this once today,
but you-you were right.
I was too worried about
needing to be liked.
And I actually am
feeling myself as a leader.
Good, you're my kid,
so you're inherently better
than other people.
You shouldn't be tiptoeing
around that fact.
Just kick ass, take names.
And just be a jerk
to everybody b-but you.
- There you go.
- There we go, yeah.
I could do that. Thank you.
- [LAUGHING]
- [GLASSES CLINKING]
[BAND MUSIC]
Yup.
[DANA SOBBING]
[PLAYING TRUMPET OUT OF TUNE]
Okay.
RUXO, when I first met you,
I thought you were a glorified Roomba.
I was wrong.
You were a good friend
in my time of need.
You changed my life.
For this, I am forever indebted to you.
[RUXO] I can dance.
- Yeah, you can.
- [DANA SOBBING]
And he'll dance in robot heaven.
- You bet he will
- [MAN 1] Yeah, he will.
And now, RUXO will be laid to rest
in a place of honor, the good dumpster,
the one that doesn't smell as bad.
[PLAYING TRUMPET OUT OF TUNE]