Happy Days (1974) s02e10 Episode Script
A Star Is Bored
1
Sunday, Monday, happy days ♪
Tuesday, Wednesday, happy days ♪
Thursday, Friday, happy days ♪
The weekend comes, my cycle hums ♪
Ready to race to you ♪
These days are ours ♪
Happy and free ♪Oh, happy days ♪
These days are ours ♪
Share them with me ♪Oh, baby ♪
Good-bye, gray sky, hello, blue ♪
There's nothing can hold me when I hold you ♪
It feels so right, it can't be wrong ♪
Rockin' and rollin' all week long ♪
Sunday, Monday, happy days ♪
Tuesday, Wednesday, happy days ♪
Thursday, Friday, happy days ♪
Saturday, what a day ♪
Groovin' all week with you ♪
These days are ours ♪
Share them with me ♪
Oh, happy days ♪
These days are ours ♪
Happy and free ♪Oh, baby ♪
Good-bye, gray sky, hello, blue ♪
There's nothing can hold me when I hold you ♪
It feels so right, it can't be wrong ♪
Rockin' and rollin' all week long ♪
These happy days are yours and mine ♪
These happy days are yours and mine, Happy Days! ♪
What'll it be, boys?
Poison.
I'll have the same.
Me, too.
How much did you lose by this time?
14 to one.
I'll make it doubles.
Look, you're getting better.
I mean, at least, this game, you scored.
We shouldn't have. But they were exhausted
from running around the bases.
We'll have three strawberry-chocolate cream freezes, Marsha.
Poison's healthier.
You know what our problem is?
We're playing the wrong sport.
No. Look over at those guys and tell me what you see.
I see four of the seven guys that hit home runs off me.
Besides that.
Rich, are we going to sit here guessing all day?
There's a simple solution to our problems.
You cut me from the team, you can't ever use my glove again.
I'm not going to cut you, Potsie.
They have great uniforms.
That's why they win.
I'm not sure Casey Stengel would go for that theory.
Ralph, they're in first place in the Church League
'cause they look like a team.
Now, we got to get uniforms.
What's wrong with these uniforms?
I kind of dig them.
These aren't uniforms.
These are locker room scraps.
Where are we going to get money for uniforms, huh?
We're lucky that Reverend Harlan
gave us enough money to buy caps.
Okay. Then we need someone to talk with him
and convince him that we have to look good to play good.
Why don't you go down today, Rich?
Me?
Yeah. You're the team captain.
That's only on the field.
Look, if I go, we all go.
Okay, we'll all go. But you talk.
But if the Rev. Starts one of his deep
theological discussions, I'm splitting.
Our ideas are miles apart.
Come on, Ralph.
It's true.
He's against everything I deeply believe in.
Like what?
Like necking, drive-in movies,
girlie books, Inspiration Point,
Brigitte Bardot
You go to church every Sunday.
Of course. I'm as religious as the next guy.
Ralph!
So the deacon's recommended
that we have a Monte Carlo night.
Chuck-A-Luck.
Would you like me to come out
and give you an inspirational prayer before your game, huh?
Well, I think we're beyond that, Rev.
You see, our record is zero and seven.
Well, we can't win in life always, boys.
Seven. Seven is a is a very
Oh! Now, seven is a lucky number.
If I were allowed to have a lucky number,
it would be seven.
Well, I think what we really need are new uniforms.
Yeah. If we look like
a team, we'll act like one.
We might even win a game.
Well, from the money we make
on our annual Shakespeare Festival,
you'll get uniforms.
Well, we realize that, sir,
but, last year, all we got were caps.
Well, attendance was down a bit.
But it'll be better this year.
Attendance is always down.
Now, we were thinking that, maybe,
if we did something besides Shakespeare
Ah. Well, now, uh
Boys, have you seen the big stained glass window?
Sure.
And the bright shiny bell in the tower?
Yeah. It's nice.
Yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah. Really nice.
Now now, do you know who is responsible
for that big, shiny bell and the stained glass window,
not to mention the Thanksgiving baskets?
God?
Well, Him, too.
But they were donated by Mrs. Stewart.
And all she asks in return
is that we remember her dear departed husband
in the annual Shakespeare Festival.
Now, that's not too much to ask, is it?
No. I guess not.
Oh, by the way, we're doing Hamlet this year.
First rehearsal is on Tuesday night.
You boys will be there, won't you?
Oh, yeah, sure. We'll be there. Right, guys?
Yeah. Yeah.
Ah! I win!
In the spiritual sense, of course.
Sha-la-la-la ♪
We're having dessert in the living room, for a change.
Bring your plates.
Who are they going to get to play Hamlet?
Don't tell me that sissy Murray,
who did Charlie's Aunt.
No. His family moved out of town.
Oh, he wasn't that bad.
If we could get a famous movie star
to come here and do Hamlet, that would be a sellout.
That's a terrific idea, Marion.
Would you get me Howard Keel, please?
Howard, I'm serious.
I remember, during the war, there was a war bond rally,
and Mickey Rooney showed up,
and he helped them make thousands of dollars.
You remember, Howard?
I sure do.
It's the last time I felt tall.
Maybe you could get that agent friend of yours to help.
What agent friend?
Well, that fellow that you knew in the war.
You mean Monty Miller?
Marion, we weren't exactly friends.
Well, you said you knew him.
Well, briefly.
I was being shipped back to the States,
and he was being shipped to North Africa,
and we bumped each other on the gangplank of the troop ship
and I knocked his canteen into the water.
So I gave him my canteen.
I said, "Here, soldier, take my canteen."
But he gave you his card, and he said look him up.
I guess I could give it a try.
And don't sell your father short, Richard.
That man owes him one.
Try to get Olivier.
But that was a long time ago, Marion.
He wouldn't remember me.
Howard, when you're going to North Africa,
you don't forget a G.I. who gave you his canteen.
Denise? Listen, sweetheart.
If Jeff Chandler calls, will you put him on hold?
Jeff Chandler?
Well, I call him Ira. That's his real name.
Oh, yeah, we handle a lot of the biggies.
Hopalong Cassidy, Tex Ritter, Dick Contino.
You see, my office books
all the big Midwest state fairs and rodeos.
Well Oh, excuse me just a minute.
Hello. Oh, yeah, Huntz.
Huntz Hall.
Yes. No, nothing for you yet, sweetheart.
Well, come on, Huntz. It's only Tuesday.
Give me a break.
Don't worry, we'll get something.
Okay. Listen, have a nice weekend.
Yeah?
See, we're not we're not going to do a rodeo.
We're doing Hamlet.
Hamlet. Yes, sir.
Say no more.
Allen Funt.
Allen Funt?
Big draw. Looks fantastic in tights.
We were thinking of someone
like Laurence Olivier for the lead.
He already knows the lines.
Olivier.
Olivier. "O" s Olivier.
"O"s. "O," "O," "O" Oh, Larry!
Larry. Oh, well, Larry,
he doesn't book out of this office.
The man just doesn't want to do rodeos.
Well, do you have any other famous stars?
Okay.
Off the top of my head.
Let's see.
You ready?
Buffalo Bob Smith.
Howdy Doody's Buffalo Bob?
Uh-huh.
As Hamlet?
I don't think so.
Oh, come on! He could make you cry.
If he were in this room right now,
you three would literally be in tears.
Yeah, but we were thinking of
Okay, if you want to pass on Buffalo Bob, just say "pass."
Pass. Pass. Pass.
Pass. Too bad.
Clarabell. Hamlet with a horn.
It's never been done.
Pass.
Pass. Pass again. Okay.
Don't do that, kid.
Well, I got to tell you.
If you could tell me how much money you got to spend,
I can tell you who I can get.
Well, we're we're hoping to make about $500.
How much?
Almost 500.
How did you guys get in here?
Who sent you here?
Howard Cunningham.
Cunningham?
Cunningham. "C" s.
"C" s
Oh, no. See, he he's my father.
You met him on the gangplank
of a ship in World War II.
You dropped your canteen, and he handed you his,
and you gave him your card.
See?
Oh, he he kept the card.
I threw away the canteen.
Does he want it back?
Well, I don't think so,
but he thought you might be able to help us.
I'd love to help you, kid.
Really, I'd love to help all of you.
It's just that I'm I'm sincerely too darn busy.
I'm very sorry.
Denise, any calls?
Nothing, Monty.
Okay. All right. So we don't have a big star to play Hamlet.
Who's a big name around here?
We need to get somebody
who could really fill up that auditorium.
Yeah. We need somebody
who attracts a lot of people, you know?
Yeah.
Fonzie.
Hamlet was never that cool.
Listen, guys. I don't think Fonzie can act.
So, if he starts to bomb, he can always show his tattoo.
Yeah. Hey, Fonz, can we see you for a sec?
I don't usually make house calls.
What is it?
We wanted to talk to you, Fonzie.
Yeah, well, make it snappy.
See, Charmaine gets jittery
if I'm away too long, huh?
Right. Would you like to have a root beer?
I'll buy.
Hey, Cunningham broke his little piggy bank open, huh?
Uh, one root beer!
Listen, Fonzie Yeah?
Did you ever think about trying to be an actor?
Never.
You should. You remind me of Cary Grant.
Hey! James Dean.
A little closer.
Marlon Brando.
Hey! Now you're talking.
Yeah, you both got that star quality, Fonz.
"Charlie, Charlie, Charlie
I coulda been a contender."
That's great.
Hey, that's nothing, huh?
I saw Sammy Davis Jr. do that on The Ed Sullivan Show.
Listen, Fonzie, Brando was going
to do our church play for us.
Oh, yeah?
Yeah, but, uh we're doing Hamlet,
and we'd rather get you to do the lead
replacing Brando.
Come on, Fonz. It's for a good cause.
Hey, let's just knock off the snow job.
I ain't doing no acting, huh?
It'll add dimension to your character, Fonz.
You could be on the cover of Photoplay.
Fonzie, girls love actors.
Is that so?
Hey, girls, come here.
All right.
These guys want me to act in some kind of play.
What do you think about that?
Huh? You're right.
All right, now, this play here.
Has it got a chick in it,
or is it all boys like Boys Town?
No, no. There's plenty of parts for girls.
Yeah? All right, who wants the big girl's part?
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!
We got to do this fair and square here.
First girl on the back of my motorcycle gets it.
Hey!
So you'll do it?
Sure. There's just one question.
Who's Hamlet?
Your attention, please.
Allow me to introduce
our church's generous benefactor, Mrs. Stewart.
She will be playing Ofelia,
and I, with His help, will direct.
Well, what do you say we begin?
Uh, first of all, everyone who's trying out for the part
of Hamlet, take a step forward.
Oh, a redheaded Hamlet. Hmm!
With freckles, how nice.
No, no, it's not me.
I-I just brought this list up.
It's all the parts that we sort of decided on.
Oh, well, I'm sure whomever you selected will be perfect.
Now let's see, um
who is Mr. Fronza Telly?
Hey, hey, hey.
That's, uh Fonzarelli.
Oh.
A hood Hamlet?
Uh, young man, we're here to do Hamlet,
not The Blackboard Jungle. Sorry.
You oughta get this Rev straight
because Charmaine ain't gonna be happy,
and if Charmaine ain't happy,
I ain't happy. You get my drift?
I get your drift. All right.
Reverend, can I speak to you for a minute?
Oh, yes.
I I already promised Fonzie the part.
Well, you shouldn't have. He's not right for it.
Well, he has his heart set on it.
Well, we all have to learn to take life's disappointments.
Well, Reverend
Fonzie is the only person in the whole parish
who can fill this auditorium.
We'll have enough money to get our uniforms,
and some left over to give to the church.
Some-Some more for the church?
Well, he could be a very interesting Hamlet.
Um, um Mr. Fonzarelli, welcome to our company.
Hey.
I don't know that much about Hamlet, Fonzie.
But I'll teach you everything I know.
Go. All right.
So you're going to play the Melancholy Dane, huh?
Hey, wait a minute, I don't play animals. Fonzie.
It's gonna be an interesting evening.
Listen, Fonzie,
"Melancholy Dane" is just a nickname for Hamlet, that's all.
Yeah?
I knew that.
All right, what's this guy's story?
Okay, the play starts off with Hamlet being visited
by the ghost of his dead father, the king.
Oh, it's a horror show. Like The
Invasion of the Body Snatchers?
No, no, uh
the father's ghost tells Hamlet
that he was murdered by his uncle,
who then married his mother and became king in his place.
Then they catch him and they give him the chair.
No, no, you kill him later on in the play.
I like that.
It's me.
Ooh, baby, baby, ba-ba-ba-ba ♪
Hey, Rich, are my seams straight?
Yeah, but your legs are crooked.
Funny, Rich.
Okay, how do I look?
Like a redheaded Gorgeous George.
Well, at least my seams are straight.
Hey, Rev. Excuse me.
You're late!
Hey, I was just checking out the house.
You'd better get into this. It's
only five minutes to curtain time.
Are you kidding? I ain't playing Tinkerbell.
Oh, no, you don't understand.
This is Hamlet's costume.
That's right. These are Hamlet's long johns,
and I ain't wearing them 'cause they ain't cool.
Oh, come on, Fonz. We're all wearing them.
Oh, well, that's exactly my point.
I don't have to dress like you nerds.
I've got a rep to protect.
Two minutes to curtain time.
Come on, Fonz. Do it for the team!
It's for the uniforms.
At least wear the cape, Fonzie.
All right, all right. The cape, the cape alone.
I'm not going to wear any tights.
There are girls out there. I don't want 'em getting crazy.
This is a serious play. Hey, where's my sword?
All right.
Thy best grace suspendth thy will.
But now, my cousin Hamlet and my son
Hey, is there something funny?
All right, now where were we, huh? Where were we?
A little more than
All right, I'll get it. I'll get it, I'll get it.
A little more than kin and
A little more than kin and less than kind.
Huh?
A little more than kin and less than kind.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
A little more than kin and, uh
what he said.
And they in France
of the best rank and station,
are most select and generous in that.
Neither a borrower or a lender be.
For loan oft loses both itself and friend.
Will you get a grip, Ralph?
And borrowing dulls the edge of husbandry
And this, above all
to thine own self be true.
Wake up, Howard, this is Richard's big speech.
After the day
thou canst not be false to any man.
That's very good.
Wait, there's more.
Farewell, my blessing season
thee is thee.
Hamlet Hamlet.
Yeah, Ofelia, get thee to a nunnery and good-bye.
Hey, handmaid, not you. Not so fast. Come here.
Atta boy! Fonzie!
Everybody get ready for the next act.
How do you think it's going?
Oh, let's just say it's very interesting.
I have to go serve the lemonade.
You should serve him black coffee to wake him up.
Yeah, Fonz is really goofing up.
He can't even remember his lines.
I wouldn't say that to his face if I were you.
Face it, guys, he's the worst.
And I'd be the first one to tell him.
Hey You were so good, Fonzie.
Hey!
What do you think, Cunningham?
I-I think you're doing your best, Fonzie.
Let me ask you a question about this Shakespeare. Uh
Why don't they speak in English?
Oh, it is English, but it's old English.
Why don't they talk in new
English? I don't understand this stuff.
I mean, like, "to be or not to be." What's that?
Oh, well, see, that's the part where Hamlet
is contemplating killing himself.
No kidding? No.
You know, sometimes this Shakespeare guy really
is really with it, isn't he?
Yeah, he is. Yeah.
You know, Hamlet's got it knocked, compared to me.
What do you mean?
Well, my old man took off when I was 12 years old.
I haven't seen him since.
At least Hamlet's father drops in every once in a while.
Oh, yeah, but Hamlet's father is a ghost.
Hey, a see-through father is better than none at all.
I never knew your father wasn't around.
Yeah.
You know, I, uh
thought a couple of times about whether I
I wanted to be or not.
You did?
Yeah.
You think a lot of people think about that
"to be or not to be" stuff?
I don't know, Fonz. Maybe.
Right.
Onstage, everybody. Good luck.
Whether it is nobler in the mind
to suffer the slings and arrows
Wait a minute.
Will you wake up?
This is important stuff here.
I mean, let me tell you what's happening.
Hamlet that's me is
thinking about taking the big dive.
Can you dig it?
I mean, he starts thinking about,
uh, you know, how things are,
figures that things aren't so good,
so he says why not cash in his own chips, you know?
I mean, kick his own bucket?
Well, a lot of us don't have it so good
and start thinking like that.
Let me tell you something.
Being here is a lot better than not being.
I mean, like you people.
You come here to watch your kids 'cause you got to,
but it's important to them, you know?
I mean, they work hard.
You being here makes it nice for them.
So, if the question ever comes up,
just think about what Fonzie says:
You better dig what you got now
'cause you ain't gonna have it forever.
Layrdes, Layrdes, Layrdes!
Laertes!
I can't get that name.
Come at me with your violence.
Let's have at you now.
Hold it!
We didn't do this in rehearsal.
Hey, I always wear this when I rumble.
All right, give me your head,
your side! I got it!
Take that!
Fantastic. Hey, thanks, yeah.
Great, thank you.
Uh, Fonzie Hey, Mr. C.
Look, I-I don't know exactly how to tell you this,
but, uh, you, uh Well, uh
You trying to tell me that I did all right?
Yes, Fonzie, that's exactly what I'm trying to tell you.
You were very cool.
Hey, thanks, Mr. C.
I'll tell you something, this acting jazz is all right,
you know, but I think I'm gonna stick with engines.
Well
You were king, King.
Thanks, Mr. C.
Thank you, Reverend.
It worked. I don't know how, but it worked.
Yeah. It always works.
Oh, it was just wonderful!
So wonderful. Thank you. Thanks.
Watch it there, Joanie.
Well, I'd better get going.
I'll see you back at the house.
Okay, have a good time. Thanks for coming.
It's so exciting. You know, I'm not so sure
that Shakespeare would appreciate it, but I liked it.
Although I'm scared to admit
that Fonzie helped me to like Shakespeare.
How'd you do, sluggers?
Aw, we blew it, 15 to two.
How many in a row?
Ten.
Look, don't feel so bad, Rich.
Remember what it said in the play?
"All the world's a stage and we are merely players."
"All the world's a stage and we are merely players."
That's deep.
I think I'm gonna write that on the bathroom wall.
It'll be a step up from "Monroe High sucks eggs."
Yeah, a little culture never hurt anybody.
Hey, come on, Ralph, play catch. Hey, Ralph!
Come on. Let's go! Okay, let's go!
Sunday, Monday, happy days ♪
Tuesday, Wednesday, happy days ♪
Thursday, Friday, happy days ♪
Saturday, what a day ♪
Rocking all week with you ♪
This day is ours ♪
These are such happy days! ♪
Hello, sunshine, good-bye, rain ♪
She's wearing my school ring on her chain ♪
She's my steady, I'm her man ♪
I'm gonna love her all I can ♪
This day is ours ♪
Won't you be mine? ♪
Oh, happy days ♪
This day is ours ♪
Oh, please be mine ♪
Oh, happy days ♪
These happy days are yours and mine ♪
These happy days are yours and mine, Happy Days! ♪
Sunday, Monday, happy days ♪
Tuesday, Wednesday, happy days ♪
Thursday, Friday, happy days ♪
The weekend comes, my cycle hums ♪
Ready to race to you ♪
These days are ours ♪
Happy and free ♪Oh, happy days ♪
These days are ours ♪
Share them with me ♪Oh, baby ♪
Good-bye, gray sky, hello, blue ♪
There's nothing can hold me when I hold you ♪
It feels so right, it can't be wrong ♪
Rockin' and rollin' all week long ♪
Sunday, Monday, happy days ♪
Tuesday, Wednesday, happy days ♪
Thursday, Friday, happy days ♪
Saturday, what a day ♪
Groovin' all week with you ♪
These days are ours ♪
Share them with me ♪
Oh, happy days ♪
These days are ours ♪
Happy and free ♪Oh, baby ♪
Good-bye, gray sky, hello, blue ♪
There's nothing can hold me when I hold you ♪
It feels so right, it can't be wrong ♪
Rockin' and rollin' all week long ♪
These happy days are yours and mine ♪
These happy days are yours and mine, Happy Days! ♪
What'll it be, boys?
Poison.
I'll have the same.
Me, too.
How much did you lose by this time?
14 to one.
I'll make it doubles.
Look, you're getting better.
I mean, at least, this game, you scored.
We shouldn't have. But they were exhausted
from running around the bases.
We'll have three strawberry-chocolate cream freezes, Marsha.
Poison's healthier.
You know what our problem is?
We're playing the wrong sport.
No. Look over at those guys and tell me what you see.
I see four of the seven guys that hit home runs off me.
Besides that.
Rich, are we going to sit here guessing all day?
There's a simple solution to our problems.
You cut me from the team, you can't ever use my glove again.
I'm not going to cut you, Potsie.
They have great uniforms.
That's why they win.
I'm not sure Casey Stengel would go for that theory.
Ralph, they're in first place in the Church League
'cause they look like a team.
Now, we got to get uniforms.
What's wrong with these uniforms?
I kind of dig them.
These aren't uniforms.
These are locker room scraps.
Where are we going to get money for uniforms, huh?
We're lucky that Reverend Harlan
gave us enough money to buy caps.
Okay. Then we need someone to talk with him
and convince him that we have to look good to play good.
Why don't you go down today, Rich?
Me?
Yeah. You're the team captain.
That's only on the field.
Look, if I go, we all go.
Okay, we'll all go. But you talk.
But if the Rev. Starts one of his deep
theological discussions, I'm splitting.
Our ideas are miles apart.
Come on, Ralph.
It's true.
He's against everything I deeply believe in.
Like what?
Like necking, drive-in movies,
girlie books, Inspiration Point,
Brigitte Bardot
You go to church every Sunday.
Of course. I'm as religious as the next guy.
Ralph!
So the deacon's recommended
that we have a Monte Carlo night.
Chuck-A-Luck.
Would you like me to come out
and give you an inspirational prayer before your game, huh?
Well, I think we're beyond that, Rev.
You see, our record is zero and seven.
Well, we can't win in life always, boys.
Seven. Seven is a is a very
Oh! Now, seven is a lucky number.
If I were allowed to have a lucky number,
it would be seven.
Well, I think what we really need are new uniforms.
Yeah. If we look like
a team, we'll act like one.
We might even win a game.
Well, from the money we make
on our annual Shakespeare Festival,
you'll get uniforms.
Well, we realize that, sir,
but, last year, all we got were caps.
Well, attendance was down a bit.
But it'll be better this year.
Attendance is always down.
Now, we were thinking that, maybe,
if we did something besides Shakespeare
Ah. Well, now, uh
Boys, have you seen the big stained glass window?
Sure.
And the bright shiny bell in the tower?
Yeah. It's nice.
Yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah. Really nice.
Now now, do you know who is responsible
for that big, shiny bell and the stained glass window,
not to mention the Thanksgiving baskets?
God?
Well, Him, too.
But they were donated by Mrs. Stewart.
And all she asks in return
is that we remember her dear departed husband
in the annual Shakespeare Festival.
Now, that's not too much to ask, is it?
No. I guess not.
Oh, by the way, we're doing Hamlet this year.
First rehearsal is on Tuesday night.
You boys will be there, won't you?
Oh, yeah, sure. We'll be there. Right, guys?
Yeah. Yeah.
Ah! I win!
In the spiritual sense, of course.
Sha-la-la-la ♪
We're having dessert in the living room, for a change.
Bring your plates.
Who are they going to get to play Hamlet?
Don't tell me that sissy Murray,
who did Charlie's Aunt.
No. His family moved out of town.
Oh, he wasn't that bad.
If we could get a famous movie star
to come here and do Hamlet, that would be a sellout.
That's a terrific idea, Marion.
Would you get me Howard Keel, please?
Howard, I'm serious.
I remember, during the war, there was a war bond rally,
and Mickey Rooney showed up,
and he helped them make thousands of dollars.
You remember, Howard?
I sure do.
It's the last time I felt tall.
Maybe you could get that agent friend of yours to help.
What agent friend?
Well, that fellow that you knew in the war.
You mean Monty Miller?
Marion, we weren't exactly friends.
Well, you said you knew him.
Well, briefly.
I was being shipped back to the States,
and he was being shipped to North Africa,
and we bumped each other on the gangplank of the troop ship
and I knocked his canteen into the water.
So I gave him my canteen.
I said, "Here, soldier, take my canteen."
But he gave you his card, and he said look him up.
I guess I could give it a try.
And don't sell your father short, Richard.
That man owes him one.
Try to get Olivier.
But that was a long time ago, Marion.
He wouldn't remember me.
Howard, when you're going to North Africa,
you don't forget a G.I. who gave you his canteen.
Denise? Listen, sweetheart.
If Jeff Chandler calls, will you put him on hold?
Jeff Chandler?
Well, I call him Ira. That's his real name.
Oh, yeah, we handle a lot of the biggies.
Hopalong Cassidy, Tex Ritter, Dick Contino.
You see, my office books
all the big Midwest state fairs and rodeos.
Well Oh, excuse me just a minute.
Hello. Oh, yeah, Huntz.
Huntz Hall.
Yes. No, nothing for you yet, sweetheart.
Well, come on, Huntz. It's only Tuesday.
Give me a break.
Don't worry, we'll get something.
Okay. Listen, have a nice weekend.
Yeah?
See, we're not we're not going to do a rodeo.
We're doing Hamlet.
Hamlet. Yes, sir.
Say no more.
Allen Funt.
Allen Funt?
Big draw. Looks fantastic in tights.
We were thinking of someone
like Laurence Olivier for the lead.
He already knows the lines.
Olivier.
Olivier. "O" s Olivier.
"O"s. "O," "O," "O" Oh, Larry!
Larry. Oh, well, Larry,
he doesn't book out of this office.
The man just doesn't want to do rodeos.
Well, do you have any other famous stars?
Okay.
Off the top of my head.
Let's see.
You ready?
Buffalo Bob Smith.
Howdy Doody's Buffalo Bob?
Uh-huh.
As Hamlet?
I don't think so.
Oh, come on! He could make you cry.
If he were in this room right now,
you three would literally be in tears.
Yeah, but we were thinking of
Okay, if you want to pass on Buffalo Bob, just say "pass."
Pass. Pass. Pass.
Pass. Too bad.
Clarabell. Hamlet with a horn.
It's never been done.
Pass.
Pass. Pass again. Okay.
Don't do that, kid.
Well, I got to tell you.
If you could tell me how much money you got to spend,
I can tell you who I can get.
Well, we're we're hoping to make about $500.
How much?
Almost 500.
How did you guys get in here?
Who sent you here?
Howard Cunningham.
Cunningham?
Cunningham. "C" s.
"C" s
Oh, no. See, he he's my father.
You met him on the gangplank
of a ship in World War II.
You dropped your canteen, and he handed you his,
and you gave him your card.
See?
Oh, he he kept the card.
I threw away the canteen.
Does he want it back?
Well, I don't think so,
but he thought you might be able to help us.
I'd love to help you, kid.
Really, I'd love to help all of you.
It's just that I'm I'm sincerely too darn busy.
I'm very sorry.
Denise, any calls?
Nothing, Monty.
Okay. All right. So we don't have a big star to play Hamlet.
Who's a big name around here?
We need to get somebody
who could really fill up that auditorium.
Yeah. We need somebody
who attracts a lot of people, you know?
Yeah.
Fonzie.
Hamlet was never that cool.
Listen, guys. I don't think Fonzie can act.
So, if he starts to bomb, he can always show his tattoo.
Yeah. Hey, Fonz, can we see you for a sec?
I don't usually make house calls.
What is it?
We wanted to talk to you, Fonzie.
Yeah, well, make it snappy.
See, Charmaine gets jittery
if I'm away too long, huh?
Right. Would you like to have a root beer?
I'll buy.
Hey, Cunningham broke his little piggy bank open, huh?
Uh, one root beer!
Listen, Fonzie Yeah?
Did you ever think about trying to be an actor?
Never.
You should. You remind me of Cary Grant.
Hey! James Dean.
A little closer.
Marlon Brando.
Hey! Now you're talking.
Yeah, you both got that star quality, Fonz.
"Charlie, Charlie, Charlie
I coulda been a contender."
That's great.
Hey, that's nothing, huh?
I saw Sammy Davis Jr. do that on The Ed Sullivan Show.
Listen, Fonzie, Brando was going
to do our church play for us.
Oh, yeah?
Yeah, but, uh we're doing Hamlet,
and we'd rather get you to do the lead
replacing Brando.
Come on, Fonz. It's for a good cause.
Hey, let's just knock off the snow job.
I ain't doing no acting, huh?
It'll add dimension to your character, Fonz.
You could be on the cover of Photoplay.
Fonzie, girls love actors.
Is that so?
Hey, girls, come here.
All right.
These guys want me to act in some kind of play.
What do you think about that?
Huh? You're right.
All right, now, this play here.
Has it got a chick in it,
or is it all boys like Boys Town?
No, no. There's plenty of parts for girls.
Yeah? All right, who wants the big girl's part?
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!
We got to do this fair and square here.
First girl on the back of my motorcycle gets it.
Hey!
So you'll do it?
Sure. There's just one question.
Who's Hamlet?
Your attention, please.
Allow me to introduce
our church's generous benefactor, Mrs. Stewart.
She will be playing Ofelia,
and I, with His help, will direct.
Well, what do you say we begin?
Uh, first of all, everyone who's trying out for the part
of Hamlet, take a step forward.
Oh, a redheaded Hamlet. Hmm!
With freckles, how nice.
No, no, it's not me.
I-I just brought this list up.
It's all the parts that we sort of decided on.
Oh, well, I'm sure whomever you selected will be perfect.
Now let's see, um
who is Mr. Fronza Telly?
Hey, hey, hey.
That's, uh Fonzarelli.
Oh.
A hood Hamlet?
Uh, young man, we're here to do Hamlet,
not The Blackboard Jungle. Sorry.
You oughta get this Rev straight
because Charmaine ain't gonna be happy,
and if Charmaine ain't happy,
I ain't happy. You get my drift?
I get your drift. All right.
Reverend, can I speak to you for a minute?
Oh, yes.
I I already promised Fonzie the part.
Well, you shouldn't have. He's not right for it.
Well, he has his heart set on it.
Well, we all have to learn to take life's disappointments.
Well, Reverend
Fonzie is the only person in the whole parish
who can fill this auditorium.
We'll have enough money to get our uniforms,
and some left over to give to the church.
Some-Some more for the church?
Well, he could be a very interesting Hamlet.
Um, um Mr. Fonzarelli, welcome to our company.
Hey.
I don't know that much about Hamlet, Fonzie.
But I'll teach you everything I know.
Go. All right.
So you're going to play the Melancholy Dane, huh?
Hey, wait a minute, I don't play animals. Fonzie.
It's gonna be an interesting evening.
Listen, Fonzie,
"Melancholy Dane" is just a nickname for Hamlet, that's all.
Yeah?
I knew that.
All right, what's this guy's story?
Okay, the play starts off with Hamlet being visited
by the ghost of his dead father, the king.
Oh, it's a horror show. Like The
Invasion of the Body Snatchers?
No, no, uh
the father's ghost tells Hamlet
that he was murdered by his uncle,
who then married his mother and became king in his place.
Then they catch him and they give him the chair.
No, no, you kill him later on in the play.
I like that.
It's me.
Ooh, baby, baby, ba-ba-ba-ba ♪
Hey, Rich, are my seams straight?
Yeah, but your legs are crooked.
Funny, Rich.
Okay, how do I look?
Like a redheaded Gorgeous George.
Well, at least my seams are straight.
Hey, Rev. Excuse me.
You're late!
Hey, I was just checking out the house.
You'd better get into this. It's
only five minutes to curtain time.
Are you kidding? I ain't playing Tinkerbell.
Oh, no, you don't understand.
This is Hamlet's costume.
That's right. These are Hamlet's long johns,
and I ain't wearing them 'cause they ain't cool.
Oh, come on, Fonz. We're all wearing them.
Oh, well, that's exactly my point.
I don't have to dress like you nerds.
I've got a rep to protect.
Two minutes to curtain time.
Come on, Fonz. Do it for the team!
It's for the uniforms.
At least wear the cape, Fonzie.
All right, all right. The cape, the cape alone.
I'm not going to wear any tights.
There are girls out there. I don't want 'em getting crazy.
This is a serious play. Hey, where's my sword?
All right.
Thy best grace suspendth thy will.
But now, my cousin Hamlet and my son
Hey, is there something funny?
All right, now where were we, huh? Where were we?
A little more than
All right, I'll get it. I'll get it, I'll get it.
A little more than kin and
A little more than kin and less than kind.
Huh?
A little more than kin and less than kind.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
A little more than kin and, uh
what he said.
And they in France
of the best rank and station,
are most select and generous in that.
Neither a borrower or a lender be.
For loan oft loses both itself and friend.
Will you get a grip, Ralph?
And borrowing dulls the edge of husbandry
And this, above all
to thine own self be true.
Wake up, Howard, this is Richard's big speech.
After the day
thou canst not be false to any man.
That's very good.
Wait, there's more.
Farewell, my blessing season
thee is thee.
Hamlet Hamlet.
Yeah, Ofelia, get thee to a nunnery and good-bye.
Hey, handmaid, not you. Not so fast. Come here.
Atta boy! Fonzie!
Everybody get ready for the next act.
How do you think it's going?
Oh, let's just say it's very interesting.
I have to go serve the lemonade.
You should serve him black coffee to wake him up.
Yeah, Fonz is really goofing up.
He can't even remember his lines.
I wouldn't say that to his face if I were you.
Face it, guys, he's the worst.
And I'd be the first one to tell him.
Hey You were so good, Fonzie.
Hey!
What do you think, Cunningham?
I-I think you're doing your best, Fonzie.
Let me ask you a question about this Shakespeare. Uh
Why don't they speak in English?
Oh, it is English, but it's old English.
Why don't they talk in new
English? I don't understand this stuff.
I mean, like, "to be or not to be." What's that?
Oh, well, see, that's the part where Hamlet
is contemplating killing himself.
No kidding? No.
You know, sometimes this Shakespeare guy really
is really with it, isn't he?
Yeah, he is. Yeah.
You know, Hamlet's got it knocked, compared to me.
What do you mean?
Well, my old man took off when I was 12 years old.
I haven't seen him since.
At least Hamlet's father drops in every once in a while.
Oh, yeah, but Hamlet's father is a ghost.
Hey, a see-through father is better than none at all.
I never knew your father wasn't around.
Yeah.
You know, I, uh
thought a couple of times about whether I
I wanted to be or not.
You did?
Yeah.
You think a lot of people think about that
"to be or not to be" stuff?
I don't know, Fonz. Maybe.
Right.
Onstage, everybody. Good luck.
Whether it is nobler in the mind
to suffer the slings and arrows
Wait a minute.
Will you wake up?
This is important stuff here.
I mean, let me tell you what's happening.
Hamlet that's me is
thinking about taking the big dive.
Can you dig it?
I mean, he starts thinking about,
uh, you know, how things are,
figures that things aren't so good,
so he says why not cash in his own chips, you know?
I mean, kick his own bucket?
Well, a lot of us don't have it so good
and start thinking like that.
Let me tell you something.
Being here is a lot better than not being.
I mean, like you people.
You come here to watch your kids 'cause you got to,
but it's important to them, you know?
I mean, they work hard.
You being here makes it nice for them.
So, if the question ever comes up,
just think about what Fonzie says:
You better dig what you got now
'cause you ain't gonna have it forever.
Layrdes, Layrdes, Layrdes!
Laertes!
I can't get that name.
Come at me with your violence.
Let's have at you now.
Hold it!
We didn't do this in rehearsal.
Hey, I always wear this when I rumble.
All right, give me your head,
your side! I got it!
Take that!
Fantastic. Hey, thanks, yeah.
Great, thank you.
Uh, Fonzie Hey, Mr. C.
Look, I-I don't know exactly how to tell you this,
but, uh, you, uh Well, uh
You trying to tell me that I did all right?
Yes, Fonzie, that's exactly what I'm trying to tell you.
You were very cool.
Hey, thanks, Mr. C.
I'll tell you something, this acting jazz is all right,
you know, but I think I'm gonna stick with engines.
Well
You were king, King.
Thanks, Mr. C.
Thank you, Reverend.
It worked. I don't know how, but it worked.
Yeah. It always works.
Oh, it was just wonderful!
So wonderful. Thank you. Thanks.
Watch it there, Joanie.
Well, I'd better get going.
I'll see you back at the house.
Okay, have a good time. Thanks for coming.
It's so exciting. You know, I'm not so sure
that Shakespeare would appreciate it, but I liked it.
Although I'm scared to admit
that Fonzie helped me to like Shakespeare.
How'd you do, sluggers?
Aw, we blew it, 15 to two.
How many in a row?
Ten.
Look, don't feel so bad, Rich.
Remember what it said in the play?
"All the world's a stage and we are merely players."
"All the world's a stage and we are merely players."
That's deep.
I think I'm gonna write that on the bathroom wall.
It'll be a step up from "Monroe High sucks eggs."
Yeah, a little culture never hurt anybody.
Hey, come on, Ralph, play catch. Hey, Ralph!
Come on. Let's go! Okay, let's go!
Sunday, Monday, happy days ♪
Tuesday, Wednesday, happy days ♪
Thursday, Friday, happy days ♪
Saturday, what a day ♪
Rocking all week with you ♪
This day is ours ♪
These are such happy days! ♪
Hello, sunshine, good-bye, rain ♪
She's wearing my school ring on her chain ♪
She's my steady, I'm her man ♪
I'm gonna love her all I can ♪
This day is ours ♪
Won't you be mine? ♪
Oh, happy days ♪
This day is ours ♪
Oh, please be mine ♪
Oh, happy days ♪
These happy days are yours and mine ♪
These happy days are yours and mine, Happy Days! ♪