Leanne (2025) s02e10 Episode Script
Bang Me
[upbeat theme music playing]
[lively music playing]
[knocking on door]
[Leanne] Kimi!
Kimi, I can see you in there!
Sorry, we're closed.
I have a hair emergency.
They sell wigs at the drugstore.
Open this door!
Oh, hey, Leanne, I didn't see you!
I'm so sorry, but it's now or never.
I want bangs.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
-Bangs?
-Straight across the top.
If I've got a forehead,
I don't want to know about it.
Okay. [clears throat]
Let's take a deep breath
and come step into my office
and assess the situation.
Oh, there's nothing to assess.
I'm ready for a change.
I'm starting at the top. Bang me!
Okay, I don't do bangs.
I do the feelings behind the bangs.
I'm feeling I want bangs!
Yeah, and that feeling goes away
the second I make that first cut,
and then it's four months
before you tuck 'em behind your ears. So…
Why don't you just walk me through
what led you to this point?
Well, the seasons are changing,
it's the anniversary of Bill leaving me,
and I look cute with a hat on,
so why not make a hair hat?
Hold up.
I'm only interested in number two.
So deal me in.
What really went down
between you and Bill?
Oh, come on.
You heard all the gossip in this salon.
Every time I walked in here,
the place went quiet.
True. Two topics dominated that summer.
You and the new Panda Express
that opened up on Main Street.
-That did make a little noise.
-Mm-hmm.
Pushed me off page one.
You and Bill, go.
All right.
It was a year ago today.
He sent me a little email.
Junk, junk, junk.
Oh, Kohl's Cash.
This is my lucky day.
Oh, Bill Murphy, what do you want now?
[screams]
Leanne ♪
[Kimi] He ended your marriage
with an email?
He did.
And you didn't work his sack
like a speed bag?
Good ideas always come too late.
All right. And then what happened?
Well, as you can imagine,
I was in a bit of a shock,
which turned into a blind rage
as I ran through some red lights
and took out a mailbox
on the way to his workplace.
Be sure and check out
the complimentary Krispy Kremes
in the customer lounge.
-Give me that.
-Only executive sales direct--
Now, Cindy!
Will my two-timing dog of a husband
please report to the front desk?!
Mom, everyone could hear you,
and you're freaking out
all the married guys.
Is there a button on this thing
that makes it go to the whole world?
What's going on with you?
Is this what they call "the change"?
It's your daddy
who should get a leash on his hormones.
He's making whoopie with some whore!
Dad? No way!
Yes way! Bill Murphy,
owner, proprietor, fornicator!
Mom, stop!
-Did you know about this?
-No.
I just found out along with
the elementary school next door.
[sighs] I'm sorry
to drag you into this, Tyler.
And I know parents aren't supposed
to ask the kids to pick a side, but do it!
And just remember,
your C-section turned
my stomach into a fanny pack.
Well, you know I'm on your side.
I'm always on your side.
-Thank you, my darling.
-Oh!
Where are you, Bill Murphy,
you praying mantis-looking freak?!
I never did track him down that day.
And I tumbled to the bottom
of a shame spiral.
How many bottles of wine did you drink?
That wasn't my drug of choice.
Fries.
Shake.
Diet Coke. [sighs]
Fries.
Shake.
Burrito.
Don't look at me!
[somber music plays]
-I swear I'm still bloated.
-[music fades]
Oh.
Don't beat yourself up
for one sad-girl drive-through.
Well…
Donut.
Donut.
Roast beef sandwich.
Good God.
Dark days.
And reliving them
makes me want bangs even more.
-If you won't do it, I will. The shears.
-No, no, no, no, no, no!
Hey. We're making good progress. Mm.
You know, we all have our dark days.
Well, then jump in, Kimi,
'cause I'm feeling like the weird one.
I mean… [clears throat]
…this is a little hard for me to admit,
but I fell in love with a drummer.
Oh, I've always wanted to date a drummer.
Mm. Yeah, everybody does,
till you're left paying his rent
while he cavorts across the country,
leaving you at home with a snake
he insisted was a rewarding pet.
Snakes are just
a garden hose that can kill you.
Turns out he had ten other snakes
in ten other cities.
Did you also take comfort
in a bucket of original recipe?
No, I got my feelings out
the old-fashioned way.
[grunting]
[exhales]
Ooh.
[tire hisses]
Well, I can't vote anymore, but who cares?
I don't think I'd get the same high
beating up on Bill's used Prius.
Unless he was strapped to the hood.
Well, you should be proud
that you didn't stoop
to criminal levels of retaliation.
Well…
Don't draw a mustache.
I want people to know it's Bill.
The horns will tell them that.
[police siren blares]
[officer] Drop the cans, lady.
This isn't even my crisis.
Carol can't vote anymore either.
-Not that she did when she could.
-Yeah.
Well, thank goodness she was here for you.
Actually, she was in Chicago.
I drove all night to get to her.
I was kind of like
that crazy astronaut woman.
I didn't have a diaper on,
but along the way I realized
there was some genius in her choice.
[lilting music playing]
This painting is from the artist's brief
but prolific institutional stay.
And here's some really good news.
He just died.
-Ooh!
-Ah.
The impact of art like this
is really in the eye of the beholder.
But no matter what journey
this piece takes them on,
there will always be this little voice
inside their head saying,
"These guys are richer than me."
Carol! Carol, I need you!
Leanne. Uh… Give me a minute.
-What are you doing here?
-Bill left me for another woman.
Are you kidding me?
-What am I going to do?!
-[woman] Shh!
Okay. You're gonna breathe.
You're gonna breathe in for four.
-[inhales]
-Out for four.
-[exhales]
-Mm-hmm.
Visualize Bill drowning for four.
-I'll try.
-Mm-hmm.
-I'm seeing it.
-Mm-hmm.
He's under the ice,
but he can't find the hole.
Mm. That's good.
My sweet sister hit pause
on her entire life
to get me home so I could start
putting the pieces back together.
Mm.
Yeah, I only have brothers.
They used to pin me to the floor
and drip spit near my face.
Carol used to do that too.
But she made up for it getting me home.
It was the longest nine hours of her life.
[Carol] An email?
[Leanne] An email!
After 30 years and two babies.
And more turtles
than I care to think about.
The kids think it's only two,
but it had to have been over a dozen.
-Don't you dare tell them.
-Ugh!
Bill's such a coward.
-What did the subject line say?
-"Hey."
-"Hey"?
-"Hey"!
That is such a guy thing to do.
All right, read me the rest.
"Leanne, there's no easy way to say this."
"I met someone else,
and I wanna be with her,
so I guess that's hasta luego."
"Thank you for our two beautiful children.
You did some solid work there."
"Sent from my iPhone."
Wow.
He didn't even care enough
to go with the old clichés.
"It's not you. It's me."
"I don't even know what love is anymore."
"You deserve better."
"I hate the way you breathe."
That was the summer I lost my inhaler.
So who's Bill leaving you for?
-I don't even know.
-What?
You didn't pull up his phone records
or trail him for the day?
See, that's why I need you.
Oh, we're gonna track him down
and make his life a living hell.
What's with all these wrappers?
[Leanne] We drove all through the night.
It was a real roller coaster ride
for us both.
Hit the road, Jack
And don't you come back ♪
No more, no more, no more, no more ♪
Hit the road, Jack
And don't you come back no more ♪
What you say? ♪
[sobbing]
You wanna sing again?
Yes!
[both] No more, no more
No more, no more ♪
Hit the road, Jack ♪
[Leanne] I've disrupted your entire life.
Oh, no.
No, it'll be good to be home.
Get to check on my place,
see Mama and Daddy,
maybe get a vegetable in you.
[chuckles]
Plus, it'll only be for a few weeks.
[lilting music playing]
That few weeks turned into a few months,
and that few months turned into,
well, forever?
Well, she wouldn't have stayed
if it didn't make sense for her.
You know when you say something out loud
and it's the first time it hits you
how selfish you are?
You mean like, "We closed an hour ago"?
See, this is who I am.
I take advantage of nice people.
I'm a horrible human being.
Hey, hey, hey, you are not horrible.
You were blindsided.
There was no way you could foresee
your marriage falling apart.
That's certainly the safe place
for me to live, but if I'm being honest,
people were trying to tell me.
-[door opens]
-[music plays on TV]
-[music stops]
-Hey, my darling, how was your night?
Good.
-Did you meet up with your friends?
-Yep.
Do you have time for a little talk?
-Nope.
-Well, I do. Come sit down.
Is that my sweater?
Yep.
[Josie exhales]
Josie.
Mm.
You're 27 years old,
and as much as I love you,
I think it's time for you
to spread your wings and fly
to your own studio apartment.
You want me to move out?
[sucks teeth] Why? So you and Dad
can live together in complete silence?
We talk.
Yeah, but when you do talk,
what are you talking about?
Me.
When I'm gonna get a job,
when I'm gonna get a boyfriend,
how I can pay for a tattoo
and not a cell phone.
I'm the only thing
you two have left in common.
That's not true.
We both wear our Christmas pajamas
all year long.
I'm just saying,
you might not want to eliminate
the Josie dynamic around here
because, let's face it,
I'm the only dynamic. [chuckles]
[Josie sighs]
Love to see that confidence
come out in a job interview.
Good night, Mom.
I don't have a kid,
but if my pet snake
ever spoke to me that way,
I'd have a nice new belt.
But you know,
she might've been onto something,
and I just wasn't ready
to hear it at the time.
Yeah, well, we usually aren't.
And in my defense,
some of Josie's other life choices
damaged her credibility.
I'm gonna be a surrogate.
I'm joining the circus!
I'm marrying my AI companion.
Bill was on the road working so much.
I don't know when she had a chance
to judge us as a couple.
Well, sometimes kids pick up on things
we wish they wouldn't.
["So Far Away" by Dire Straits playing]
Now here I am again
In this mean old town ♪
And you're so far away from me ♪
Now where are you
When the sun goes down? ♪
-[inaudible dialogue]
-You're so far away from me ♪
You're so far away from me ♪
So far, I just can't see ♪
You're so far away from me ♪
You're so far away from me ♪
All right ♪
I'm tired of being in love
And being all alone ♪
When you're so far away from me ♪
I'm tired of making out
On the telephone ♪
'Cause you're so far away from me ♪
You're so far away from me ♪
You're so far, I just can't see ♪
You're so far away from me ♪
You're so far away from me ♪
All right ♪
[music fades]
You okay?
I don't want bangs anymore.
Well, then my work here is done.
[Kimi chuckles]
Look at you.
You're perfect.
I think I just learned that I'm not.
That's okay.
[poignant music playing]
Oh.
There's noodles in the pot for ya.
You're the greatest sister in the world.
It's macaroni and cheese from a box.
I just said noodles
because it sounded fancier.
Have I ever really thanked you
for everything you've done for me?
Not monetarily.
I know what you gave up
to be here with me, and I let you do it.
But that's what sisters do.
I'm your ride or die, Leanne.
What brought all this on?
I went to get bangs today.
Oh.
You know, you have thanked me before
for leaving Chicago and moving here.
I know, but I feel like
I did all that as a victim,
acting like Bill was 100% responsible
for our marriage falling apart.
He is.
He's not.
I'm now willing
to take 23% responsibility for my divorce.
Oddly specific.
It was 25, and then
I remembered a few Valentine's Days
where I told him I didn't want anything,
and that moron took me seriously.
[scoffs]
Now, both my ex-husbands
are still 100% responsible.
But I'm fine with not growing.
-They were fools to let you go.
-[chuckles]
I don't know.
I saw my ex-husband's new husband,
and I think he might've traded up.
I would marry you if I could.
[laughs]
You're not my type.
[lilting music playing]
Okay.
Why don't we start with your eyebrows?
And then I'll sweep up,
and we can move on to your hair.
I was thinking about dyeing my hair.
Maybe, uh, going Elvis black.
Okay.
[clears throat]
Walk me through
what led you to this point.
My life sucks!
[whimsical music playing]
[closing theme music playing]
Leanne ♪
Leanne ♪
[lively music playing]
[knocking on door]
[Leanne] Kimi!
Kimi, I can see you in there!
Sorry, we're closed.
I have a hair emergency.
They sell wigs at the drugstore.
Open this door!
Oh, hey, Leanne, I didn't see you!
I'm so sorry, but it's now or never.
I want bangs.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
-Bangs?
-Straight across the top.
If I've got a forehead,
I don't want to know about it.
Okay. [clears throat]
Let's take a deep breath
and come step into my office
and assess the situation.
Oh, there's nothing to assess.
I'm ready for a change.
I'm starting at the top. Bang me!
Okay, I don't do bangs.
I do the feelings behind the bangs.
I'm feeling I want bangs!
Yeah, and that feeling goes away
the second I make that first cut,
and then it's four months
before you tuck 'em behind your ears. So…
Why don't you just walk me through
what led you to this point?
Well, the seasons are changing,
it's the anniversary of Bill leaving me,
and I look cute with a hat on,
so why not make a hair hat?
Hold up.
I'm only interested in number two.
So deal me in.
What really went down
between you and Bill?
Oh, come on.
You heard all the gossip in this salon.
Every time I walked in here,
the place went quiet.
True. Two topics dominated that summer.
You and the new Panda Express
that opened up on Main Street.
-That did make a little noise.
-Mm-hmm.
Pushed me off page one.
You and Bill, go.
All right.
It was a year ago today.
He sent me a little email.
Junk, junk, junk.
Oh, Kohl's Cash.
This is my lucky day.
Oh, Bill Murphy, what do you want now?
[screams]
Leanne ♪
[Kimi] He ended your marriage
with an email?
He did.
And you didn't work his sack
like a speed bag?
Good ideas always come too late.
All right. And then what happened?
Well, as you can imagine,
I was in a bit of a shock,
which turned into a blind rage
as I ran through some red lights
and took out a mailbox
on the way to his workplace.
Be sure and check out
the complimentary Krispy Kremes
in the customer lounge.
-Give me that.
-Only executive sales direct--
Now, Cindy!
Will my two-timing dog of a husband
please report to the front desk?!
Mom, everyone could hear you,
and you're freaking out
all the married guys.
Is there a button on this thing
that makes it go to the whole world?
What's going on with you?
Is this what they call "the change"?
It's your daddy
who should get a leash on his hormones.
He's making whoopie with some whore!
Dad? No way!
Yes way! Bill Murphy,
owner, proprietor, fornicator!
Mom, stop!
-Did you know about this?
-No.
I just found out along with
the elementary school next door.
[sighs] I'm sorry
to drag you into this, Tyler.
And I know parents aren't supposed
to ask the kids to pick a side, but do it!
And just remember,
your C-section turned
my stomach into a fanny pack.
Well, you know I'm on your side.
I'm always on your side.
-Thank you, my darling.
-Oh!
Where are you, Bill Murphy,
you praying mantis-looking freak?!
I never did track him down that day.
And I tumbled to the bottom
of a shame spiral.
How many bottles of wine did you drink?
That wasn't my drug of choice.
Fries.
Shake.
Diet Coke. [sighs]
Fries.
Shake.
Burrito.
Don't look at me!
[somber music plays]
-I swear I'm still bloated.
-[music fades]
Oh.
Don't beat yourself up
for one sad-girl drive-through.
Well…
Donut.
Donut.
Roast beef sandwich.
Good God.
Dark days.
And reliving them
makes me want bangs even more.
-If you won't do it, I will. The shears.
-No, no, no, no, no, no!
Hey. We're making good progress. Mm.
You know, we all have our dark days.
Well, then jump in, Kimi,
'cause I'm feeling like the weird one.
I mean… [clears throat]
…this is a little hard for me to admit,
but I fell in love with a drummer.
Oh, I've always wanted to date a drummer.
Mm. Yeah, everybody does,
till you're left paying his rent
while he cavorts across the country,
leaving you at home with a snake
he insisted was a rewarding pet.
Snakes are just
a garden hose that can kill you.
Turns out he had ten other snakes
in ten other cities.
Did you also take comfort
in a bucket of original recipe?
No, I got my feelings out
the old-fashioned way.
[grunting]
[exhales]
Ooh.
[tire hisses]
Well, I can't vote anymore, but who cares?
I don't think I'd get the same high
beating up on Bill's used Prius.
Unless he was strapped to the hood.
Well, you should be proud
that you didn't stoop
to criminal levels of retaliation.
Well…
Don't draw a mustache.
I want people to know it's Bill.
The horns will tell them that.
[police siren blares]
[officer] Drop the cans, lady.
This isn't even my crisis.
Carol can't vote anymore either.
-Not that she did when she could.
-Yeah.
Well, thank goodness she was here for you.
Actually, she was in Chicago.
I drove all night to get to her.
I was kind of like
that crazy astronaut woman.
I didn't have a diaper on,
but along the way I realized
there was some genius in her choice.
[lilting music playing]
This painting is from the artist's brief
but prolific institutional stay.
And here's some really good news.
He just died.
-Ooh!
-Ah.
The impact of art like this
is really in the eye of the beholder.
But no matter what journey
this piece takes them on,
there will always be this little voice
inside their head saying,
"These guys are richer than me."
Carol! Carol, I need you!
Leanne. Uh… Give me a minute.
-What are you doing here?
-Bill left me for another woman.
Are you kidding me?
-What am I going to do?!
-[woman] Shh!
Okay. You're gonna breathe.
You're gonna breathe in for four.
-[inhales]
-Out for four.
-[exhales]
-Mm-hmm.
Visualize Bill drowning for four.
-I'll try.
-Mm-hmm.
-I'm seeing it.
-Mm-hmm.
He's under the ice,
but he can't find the hole.
Mm. That's good.
My sweet sister hit pause
on her entire life
to get me home so I could start
putting the pieces back together.
Mm.
Yeah, I only have brothers.
They used to pin me to the floor
and drip spit near my face.
Carol used to do that too.
But she made up for it getting me home.
It was the longest nine hours of her life.
[Carol] An email?
[Leanne] An email!
After 30 years and two babies.
And more turtles
than I care to think about.
The kids think it's only two,
but it had to have been over a dozen.
-Don't you dare tell them.
-Ugh!
Bill's such a coward.
-What did the subject line say?
-"Hey."
-"Hey"?
-"Hey"!
That is such a guy thing to do.
All right, read me the rest.
"Leanne, there's no easy way to say this."
"I met someone else,
and I wanna be with her,
so I guess that's hasta luego."
"Thank you for our two beautiful children.
You did some solid work there."
"Sent from my iPhone."
Wow.
He didn't even care enough
to go with the old clichés.
"It's not you. It's me."
"I don't even know what love is anymore."
"You deserve better."
"I hate the way you breathe."
That was the summer I lost my inhaler.
So who's Bill leaving you for?
-I don't even know.
-What?
You didn't pull up his phone records
or trail him for the day?
See, that's why I need you.
Oh, we're gonna track him down
and make his life a living hell.
What's with all these wrappers?
[Leanne] We drove all through the night.
It was a real roller coaster ride
for us both.
Hit the road, Jack
And don't you come back ♪
No more, no more, no more, no more ♪
Hit the road, Jack
And don't you come back no more ♪
What you say? ♪
[sobbing]
You wanna sing again?
Yes!
[both] No more, no more
No more, no more ♪
Hit the road, Jack ♪
[Leanne] I've disrupted your entire life.
Oh, no.
No, it'll be good to be home.
Get to check on my place,
see Mama and Daddy,
maybe get a vegetable in you.
[chuckles]
Plus, it'll only be for a few weeks.
[lilting music playing]
That few weeks turned into a few months,
and that few months turned into,
well, forever?
Well, she wouldn't have stayed
if it didn't make sense for her.
You know when you say something out loud
and it's the first time it hits you
how selfish you are?
You mean like, "We closed an hour ago"?
See, this is who I am.
I take advantage of nice people.
I'm a horrible human being.
Hey, hey, hey, you are not horrible.
You were blindsided.
There was no way you could foresee
your marriage falling apart.
That's certainly the safe place
for me to live, but if I'm being honest,
people were trying to tell me.
-[door opens]
-[music plays on TV]
-[music stops]
-Hey, my darling, how was your night?
Good.
-Did you meet up with your friends?
-Yep.
Do you have time for a little talk?
-Nope.
-Well, I do. Come sit down.
Is that my sweater?
Yep.
[Josie exhales]
Josie.
Mm.
You're 27 years old,
and as much as I love you,
I think it's time for you
to spread your wings and fly
to your own studio apartment.
You want me to move out?
[sucks teeth] Why? So you and Dad
can live together in complete silence?
We talk.
Yeah, but when you do talk,
what are you talking about?
Me.
When I'm gonna get a job,
when I'm gonna get a boyfriend,
how I can pay for a tattoo
and not a cell phone.
I'm the only thing
you two have left in common.
That's not true.
We both wear our Christmas pajamas
all year long.
I'm just saying,
you might not want to eliminate
the Josie dynamic around here
because, let's face it,
I'm the only dynamic. [chuckles]
[Josie sighs]
Love to see that confidence
come out in a job interview.
Good night, Mom.
I don't have a kid,
but if my pet snake
ever spoke to me that way,
I'd have a nice new belt.
But you know,
she might've been onto something,
and I just wasn't ready
to hear it at the time.
Yeah, well, we usually aren't.
And in my defense,
some of Josie's other life choices
damaged her credibility.
I'm gonna be a surrogate.
I'm joining the circus!
I'm marrying my AI companion.
Bill was on the road working so much.
I don't know when she had a chance
to judge us as a couple.
Well, sometimes kids pick up on things
we wish they wouldn't.
["So Far Away" by Dire Straits playing]
Now here I am again
In this mean old town ♪
And you're so far away from me ♪
Now where are you
When the sun goes down? ♪
-[inaudible dialogue]
-You're so far away from me ♪
You're so far away from me ♪
So far, I just can't see ♪
You're so far away from me ♪
You're so far away from me ♪
All right ♪
I'm tired of being in love
And being all alone ♪
When you're so far away from me ♪
I'm tired of making out
On the telephone ♪
'Cause you're so far away from me ♪
You're so far away from me ♪
You're so far, I just can't see ♪
You're so far away from me ♪
You're so far away from me ♪
All right ♪
[music fades]
You okay?
I don't want bangs anymore.
Well, then my work here is done.
[Kimi chuckles]
Look at you.
You're perfect.
I think I just learned that I'm not.
That's okay.
[poignant music playing]
Oh.
There's noodles in the pot for ya.
You're the greatest sister in the world.
It's macaroni and cheese from a box.
I just said noodles
because it sounded fancier.
Have I ever really thanked you
for everything you've done for me?
Not monetarily.
I know what you gave up
to be here with me, and I let you do it.
But that's what sisters do.
I'm your ride or die, Leanne.
What brought all this on?
I went to get bangs today.
Oh.
You know, you have thanked me before
for leaving Chicago and moving here.
I know, but I feel like
I did all that as a victim,
acting like Bill was 100% responsible
for our marriage falling apart.
He is.
He's not.
I'm now willing
to take 23% responsibility for my divorce.
Oddly specific.
It was 25, and then
I remembered a few Valentine's Days
where I told him I didn't want anything,
and that moron took me seriously.
[scoffs]
Now, both my ex-husbands
are still 100% responsible.
But I'm fine with not growing.
-They were fools to let you go.
-[chuckles]
I don't know.
I saw my ex-husband's new husband,
and I think he might've traded up.
I would marry you if I could.
[laughs]
You're not my type.
[lilting music playing]
Okay.
Why don't we start with your eyebrows?
And then I'll sweep up,
and we can move on to your hair.
I was thinking about dyeing my hair.
Maybe, uh, going Elvis black.
Okay.
[clears throat]
Walk me through
what led you to this point.
My life sucks!
[whimsical music playing]
[closing theme music playing]
Leanne ♪
Leanne ♪