Platonic (2023) s02e10 Episode Script

1
[people chattering]
[Sylvia]
Where's the cotton candy cauldron?
I need the cotton candy cauldron.
We needed the cotton candy cauldron,
like, yesterday.
I don't… I-I can't see it anywhere.
Oh. Thank you. Here it is.
[chuckles] Thank you.
Where's the cotton candy?
It's just a regular fucking cauldron.
I'm sorry. I-I'm sorry.
I'm really sorry. I'm sorry.
This is my first big gig.
- [chattering]
- [party music playing]
- Oh, my God. Hello.
- Oh.
- Oh, hey.
- Amazing party.
- Thank you.
- These things normally suck shit.
Oh, thank you.
I've had five too many ranch waters,
and, mamacita,
I need to know where we're going next,
because Vancouver has this insane strip
club where they serve the best oysters.
Ugh, you know, I'm… actually,
I'm trying to get on the five o'clock
so I can hopefully
see my kids before they go to bed.
- But that sounds fun. Thanks.
- Aw, you are so mama.
I love that. That is so good.
But tell me, who's excited to party
all next weekend at Austin City Limits?
- [chuckles] This witch.
- [laughing] Yeah, and this bitch.
- Let's have fun.
- Okay.
We're gonna party in every city
in North America and a week in Seoul too.
Uh, that sounds like a threat.
- It is, bitch.
- [laughs]
Okay. I gotta set up…
I gotta set up my guy here, but…
Oh, you go, girl.
I love this little fucker.
Shit. Shit.
Shit, shit, shit, shit.
[PA announcement]
There's been a gate change.
Flight 216 will now be boarding
at gate 41B.
Shit.
Hey. Can you watch my stuff?
- What?
- My stuff. Can you watch it?
Oh. I… I-I'd rather not.
[sighs] Thanks.
What? I…
[sighs]
Sweetie, come on.
Come on. Let's get to bed.
Come on. [groans] Come on, babe.
Okay.
Get some rest, okay?
[Watson snoring]
[growls]
[growls]
- [growling]
- [sighs]
[yawns]
["Happiness" playing]
[song continues on speakers]
- There you are. Hey.
- Yo, roomie.
- Got a little Bloody Mary action.
- Ooh.
- Hair of the dog, know what I mean? Yeah.
- Cool, cool, cool.
What are you up to today?
I've got a few little things I could
use your help with, if you don't mind.
- Oh, yeah. No. No problem.
- Okay, great.
L-Least I could do, right? [chuckles]
Oh, like, right now?
- Could you just put that in my attic?
- Yeah. Totally.
[stammers] Which one?
- All of them.
- Oh.
- Thanks, buddy.
- Yeah.
Hey, bitch. Literally nothing.
[chuckles] What's up with you?
Hey. While you're up there, could you see
if there are any mouse droppings?
[Will] Do you have, like, gloves or a mask
or some shit I could have?
Masks don't work.
There's actually one last thing
I want you to move.
- I won't go! No, no, no, no!
- You're going to assisted living!
- I'm not leaving here!
- It doesn't matter whether you wanna go!
You're going, old lady!
- She seems healthy to me.
- [parent] No!
- What are you waiting for? Go get her!
- Excuse me. Sorry.
- Who is this?
- What does it matter?
- Who the hell are you?
- Your daughter's friend.
- Just pick her up!
- What the hell do you see in that whore?
Done and dusted.
[sighing]
I don't know why I was dreading that.
Oh, do you wanna hit Panda Express?
[sighs] I'm not hungry.
All right, more for me.
[Charlie] Coyote held his breath
and jammed the key into the lock.
The door swung open.
The lobby was dark and deserted.
The picture was starting
to come into focus.
It was the perfect crime,
except for one thing.
Coyote knew.
[panting] Oh, fuck.
[groans, exhales heavily]
[sighs]
Come on. Focus.
The hum of servers
drowned out Coyote's footfalls.
Coyote had hit pay dirt again.
But would his coding skills
still be up to the job?
[sleazy music plays on laptop]
[flushes]
[sighs]
Okay. Come on. Figure it out.
[Charlie]
The chief counsel said the deal was over.
It was done.
Or was it?
[grunts]
Ugh.
Why is writing so hard?
I'm just stuck. Total writer's block.
I'm cruising along,
and then I just… I hit a wall. [sighs]
- B-But isn't that part of the process?
- Yeah, I guess so.
But it is so frustrating.
Well, what does Sylvia have to say?
Well, we're not really
talking about my book right now.
Maybe that's part of the problem.
Yeah, well, she made it very clear
she doesn't believe in me
and she thinks Brett Coyote is shit.
She basically said
she wants me to go back to work
and start collecting a regular paycheck.
Did she say that?
Well, no. Not in so many words.
Well, what did she say exactly?
She said she was frustrated in me
for not consulting her before quitting.
Okay, fine.
To be honest, I didn't love
the way that you quit either.
It was a little weird.
I-I think Frank felt upstaged.
It was kind of his night.
Yeah? Should I text him?
Oh, I don't think
he wants to hear from you.
He's on a year-long cruise.
He's always posting photos
with that second family.
[stammers] A 60-year-old with an infant,
I'm just not comfortable with.
That's weird.
Hey, what should we do after this?
Oh, I have to go back to a job.
I have a job.
I work all day.
Oh, right. Yeah.
- [students chattering]
- [Katie] Hello.
- [gasps] Hi!
- Hi.
- Aw.
- I haven't seen you in so long.
- I know.
- It's been weeks.
I mean,
I haven't done drop-off in forever.
Ugh. So nice.
- No. I mean, I kinda miss it.
- Ew.
I mean, I'm literally never here.
Next weekend I have to go
to something called Austin City Limits.
They Might Be Giants
are performing all the songs
from our show Teen Robot,
and I'm throwing the party after.
- That sounds so fun.
- It was kind of fun to begin with,
and now I just miss my kids
and my family and my life.
Oh, I was being facetious.
That does not sound fun.
[chuckles] Have you watched Teen Robot?
That show sucks ass.
Yeah, I've seen it.
We have to throw all their parties.
By the way, it's not a show for us.
It's for ten-year-old boys.
I know. Sam got me hooked on it.
Though, Tori Spelling does
crack me up as the mom-bot.
I'm loving her comeback. #HotToriSummer.
What is wrong with you?
Why are you watching this show?
- I'm trying to avoid Will.
- [inhales sharply]
What's going on with Will?
Oh, my God. Don't get me started.
He's been living with me for weeks.
I don't know how this guy became
my problem. I barely know him.
Is he up to anything?
[sighs] You know, he's doing the pop-up
for Shitty Little Bar.
- Oh.
- I just…
Honestly, I don't have the bandwidth.
He's doing a pop-up?
Yeah. I suggested it to him.
He's trying to lure investors.
- Didn't he tell you about it?
- No.
We're… We're not really in touch.
Well, I get why you dumped him on me.
The only trouble is,
now I don't know how to get rid of him.
He is impossible to get rid of.
- I-I tried everything.
- [sighs]
Yeah.
Well, there is one thing
I don't think you tried.
[breathes heavily]
That was unexpected.
- Yeah. For me too.
- Yeah.
I should warn you, I get very clingy.
I have a lot of daddy issues.
Oh, cool.
- Maybe I shouldn't stay here anymore.
- Oh, no.
- But I understand if you feel that way.
- [stammering] Yeah, it might be weird.
- Thanks though.
- Thank you.
Yo. Thanks again
for letting me crash here, man.
I know that, you know,
you got a lot on your plate
with the house arrest and all that.
Dude, it's no problem at all.
I mean, you and I, we're, like,
basically family, man.
That's what we do.
We show up for each other, you know?
Yeah, totally.
Ex-step-family, but I appreciate it still.
I do have a favor to ask of you though.
Will you go to the grocery store
and pick me up more Celsius energy drinks?
- Would love to.
- Oh, sick. That's so dope, dude.
- Thanks. Yeah.
- I appreciate you, dude.
- My plezh.
- I love you, dude.
You got any video games on that?
Is that a, uh…
When do you think you're heading out?
You want me to go right now?
Yeah, dude.
Is that a fucking problem or something?
I literally got here 15 minutes ago.
I bought you a six-pack when I came.
Well, I fucking finished them, bro.
Are you kidding?
Like, I mean, do the math, Will.
Omar, can you believe this guy?
Would I be asking for more Celly
if I didn't need more Celly?
Nah, you just wouldn't.
Well, maybe drink less fucking Celly.
You ever think of that?
Why? I mean… [stammers]
…it's a 100% natural drink.
There's no artificial preservatives.
There's no artificial flavors.
It's naturally natural.
I mean, Celly is 100% proven to function.
What the fuck? That literally means
fucking nothing.
It's a drink. It can't function.
It's a fucking drink.
It means that Celsius is
clinically proven to function.
What does function even mean?
It's a fucking drink.
- Clinically proven to function.
- Everything's proven to function.
- If you did your research, you'd know.
- In what capacity?
- In a clinic.
- [Will] What are you talking about?
None of this makes sense.
What are you doing in this place?
- Can you believe this guy?
- I can't. I don't understand.
You're fucking tweaking out
'cause you're addicted to Celsius.
How much of that shit
you drinking in a day?
- Eleven, bitch.
- That's too many, bitch.
They're 100% proven to function.
- That doesn't fucking mean anything.
- What are you talking about?
Stop saying that. You're losing
your goddamn fucking shit, man.
[Reggie] God!
The box says
you're only supposed to drink two.
There you go.
Celsius says don't drink Celsius.
- They have to say that.
- They don't have to fucking say that.
It's, like, some government rule
or something.
What drink on the planet Earth
tells you not to drink it?
Will! [shushes] Guys.
[stammers] Will, stop!
I'm not enabling
your fucking Celsius kick.
Get him to buy you some fucking Celsius.
Ooh. Uh-uh-uh.
Nah, you just moved in,
so you're the Celsius bitch.
So, if you wanna stop being
the Celsius bitch,
you gotta get a new person to move in,
and then they're the Celsius bitch.
So if I find someone else
to move into your apartment,
I don't have to buy you Celsius anymore?
- [Omar] Yeah, good luck.
- By that logic,
you'll have a thousand
fucking people living here,
just 'cause no one wants
to buy you Celsius all day.
- That'd be awesome.
- I'm not allergic to friends.
- That would be great.
- It's a good time.
[Reggie] It'd be awesome
to have more people for Reggie's Game.
Dude, are you serious?
Are you… [stammers] Literally…
Will, you're freaking us out
with this coaster shit.
- Who cares?
- You're right. I don't.
You know who rocks? Caitlin Clark.
- I mean, I love Caitlin Clark.
- Dude, you're fucked up.
You can't stick on one single topic
for more than two seconds.
I wanna do what Ryan Reynolds did
with soccer,
except for do it with the WNBA.
- That'd be awesome.
- Yeah. You're gonna own a WNBA team.
You can't go outside, motherfucker.
- Ugh.
- [Will] Yo, Omar.
I got a pop-up this weekend.
Can I, uh, get some help
moving some beer stills?
[groans]
No.
I'm on a hot-air balloon.
Dude's just, like, virtually fucking
somebody in your living room with us here.
Really? What are you seeing?
It's mostly ass and saguaro cacti.
[influencer voice]
I am so happy, you know.
Welcome to the white love seat
my dear friend Sylvia Greeves.
So, Sylvia, walk us through your journey.
I, uh, am currently an in-house
events planner at a production company.
We love Young Darcy Mysteries.
We stan Mason Grand.
So, Sylvia, would you say you're the
breadwinner at this point in your home?
Uh… Um, I guess I am.
Yes. That's never really
happened before. [chuckles]
And how does that feel?
And remember, don't be afraid to get real.
You're on the white love seat. Trademark.
You should, like, tell your story.
It'll mean a lot to the moms.
Oh.
Um, it feels good. [chuckles]
Yeah. It can be challenging
and a little lonely sometimes,
running your own business…
a small business,
but I feel validated.
You know, people don't talk about it,
but coming back into the work,
uh, field, you know,
after raising three kids is a really…
Breaking the Glass Ceiling
with Katie Fields
is brought to you by ZipRecruiter.
[softly] You have ZipRecruiter
sponsoring the show?
[normal] No, but doesn't it
sound so good? [chuckles]
[influencer voice] And we're back.
- [loud shattering sound effect plays]
- [mouthing] Wow.
- Is that really necessary?
- Yeah, it's necessary.
Are you having fun?
[influencer voice] I'm having so much fun.
- [normal] No, just act natural.
- [normal] Okay, sorry.
[Will sighs]
Hey. Uh, good afternoon.
Wow, it's a miracle.
The beer stills are
finally leaving my backyard.
Yeah. All, uh… All set up and ready to go.
- Just you?
- Yeah. No one would help me.
Uh, but I got it. It's all good.
Great.
[banging, sloshing]
[Will straining] Oh, fuck. [grunts]
Come on.
[groaning] Fuck.
- Come on. [panting]
- Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.
Can I give you a hand?
You're destroying my garden here.
No, I… Is Charlie around?
This shit's super heavy,
and he's freakishly strong.
He's not here. But I can help.
Have you tried Celsius, by the way?
This shit's fucking incredible.
It's all natural.
It's clinically proven to function.
- What does that mean?
- It's clinically proven to function.
- What does that mean?
- It means…
[stammering] If you wanna know
if it's gonna function,
the answer's yes
because they clinically proved it will.
- But function for what?
- It's just gonna function.
- It's clinically proven.
- I don't know what you mean!
Here. You gotta try it.
- Ooh. Mango?
- Galaxy Vibe.
- Wow.
- Yeah.
- I like the fizz. Mmm.
- It's good.
Okay. Actually,
don't drink that much of it so fast.
There's a lot of caffeine in there. Ooh.
- [hiccups, burps]
- Yeah.
- Caffeine doesn't really affect me.
- Let's hope not.
- All right. [sighs] Let's go.
- One, two…
- [strains, groans]
- Yeah. Here we…
You gotta wiggle it. Gotta wiggle it out.
- Wiggle it!
- [sighs] Whew!
I can't believe this is all natural.
- It's literally all natural.
- I can't believe it.
- I know. Crazy.
- It's amazing.
- Fuck you, green tea. Mm-hmm!
- Fuck you, green tea!
All right! It's functioning.
Clinically proven to function.
- It is clinically proven to function.
- [panting] I love it. It's fresh.
Okay. Two down. Two to go.
- Whoo! And all this other shit.
- Yes.
Thank you so much
for helping me, by the way.
- It's my exercise for the month.
- Nice. [chuckles]
How are we gonna move this bad boy?
Uh, you get the front, I'll get the back?
- That's what she said. Yeah!
- Booyah!
Katie told me you're
doing a pop-up this weekend.
Yeah. I thought it'd be a good way
to raise money for Shitty Little Bar.
That's awesome. People will be psyched
you're brewing again.
Yeah. I rented out this industrial space
downtown, got Lucky Penny's mailing list.
I'm inviting everyone,
doing the whole social media thing.
- That's amazing.
- Okay. This is very large.
Should we wait for Charlie?
No. I'm strong 'cause Celsius.
Yeah, that's right. You are.
- All right. Lift her up, lift her up…
- Let's do it. One, two, three…
[both scream]
Oh, fuck!
- Turn it off! Turn it off!
- Oh, shit! Oh, no!
- I can't! It's fucking stuck! Shit! Shit!
- [groans]
- Are you okay? Are you okay?
- Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
- Are you okay?
- I'm fine. I'm fine.
Good. Now we need to save my beer!
- Oh, my God.
- I can't have a pop-up if I have no beer!
- Jesus.
- [screams] Stop, you dick!
- That was nuts.
- Help me. Grab containers.
- Shake it off and grab some containers!
- [grunting] I got it. I got it.
- Oh, God! My hazy IPA.
- Oh, my God. I got a bucket.
- I got a tiny bucket.
- Ah, fuck. Thank you.
Oh, fuck me!
Look at that.
These are tiny! These are tiny!
- You got fucked up!
- Whoa!
- Help me!
- I'm coming. I'm coming.
- Oh, no! My hazy IPA!
- Oh, my God. Oh…
[Will sighs]
It still tastes good.
I think we saved my hazy IPA.
At least, you know, 70% of it.
Here, have a sip. You deserve it.
M-My entire backyard
is-is flooded with beer.
Yeah, that's the other 30%.
My children play out here.
It… [sniffs] It smells like a fraternity
house was tipped upside down on the lawn.
I know. Look, just relax, you know.
The sun will, you know, burn it off.
[chuckles]
- Did you just tell me to relax?
- Yeah. The sun will burn it all off.
- Don't worry about it.
- It's not funny.
Look, you're having a Celly crash.
It happens.
You just need more Celsius.
You'll feel right as rain.
- I'm being serious.
- It actually was very funny.
You should've seen
how fucking far you flew.
It was incredible.
If you have a Ring camera or something,
you could go viral, like, be famous.
But what I really need first is to figure
out how to get all this beer downtown.
Oh, my… I am so tired of you
just coming in
and… [stammers] …screwing everything up
and then walking away.
You just turned my backyard
into Bourbon Street.
I said I was sorry!
[stammers] Well, you didn't say that.
You're right.
- You still didn't say I'm sorry.
- It's because it wasn't my fault.
You hit the fucking thing.
You did it to yourself, okay?
- You're blaming me?
- I'm not blaming.
I'm just saying
if this was a court of law,
you would be culpable
for the beer spraying.
You wreak havoc on everybody's life!
Anyone who crosses your path…
It's complete chaos.
- What the fuck does that mean?
- I'm so sick of you ruining my life!
- What the fuck are you talking about?
- You broke my husband.
- What does that… No, I didn't.
- You did.
You told Charlie to quit his job.
I did. I actually did. I just remembered.
Yes, we were going for a walk,
and he sprained his ankle,
and I… yeah, I told him
he should quit his job.
Why would you say that?
My whole life no one's ever listened
to one piece of advice
I've ever fucking given.
I don't fucking know.
He told me he wanted to quit his job,
so I told him to quit his job.
What the fuck do you want from me?
Why is he even having
these conversations with me?
He should be having 'em with you.
You need to work on your communication.
- That's the thing here.
- Are you really…
- You're gonna give me marriage advice?
- I guess so. Someone has to, so, yeah.
Yeah. You're the perfect person
to give marriage advice.
Look at you. Your life's a disaster.
- The fuck does that mean?
- What do you think…
It's exactly what it sounds like it means.
Before you came along,
I was fucking peachy.
I was living in a mansion on the beach.
I was engaged to a lovely woman.
And then you fucked everything up!
Oh, and that's all my fault.
Yes. It wouldn't have happened
without you.
Okay. You know what? I think
that if you really feel that way…
- I do.
- Yeah, then we need to take a break.
I was just gonna say we need
to take a break before you said it.
- I said it first!
- Fuck! God fucking damn it.
Here. Take this fucking shit.
Deal with it.
What… I… What am I supposed to do
with all of this beer?
I don't know. I can't serve it.
I'll lose my commercial kitchen license.
It's not gonna be good
by the time the pop-up happens.
- I don't want it either!
- I don't either!
[sad music plays]
[inhales sharply] Hey.
- Hey, what happened?
- Will stuff.
[sighs] The garden's a mess.
I'll… I'll handle it.
Oh, okay. Well, uh, I'm headed to Honda
to sell the minivan.
Oh. How are you gonna get back?
Oh, I don't know. I'll take an Uber.
Well, I can drive the minivan.
You follow, we could drive back together.
- Oh. You don't mind?
- No. I just gotta clean up.
Yeah, okay.
[sniffs] Smells like beer.
[Charlie exhales heavily]
How's the writing going, babe?
Oh. Um…
[inhales deeply]
Honestly, I've been kind of stuck.
- Oh, yeah?
- Yeah.
Isn't that normal?
I mean, some days
I'm kind of in the groove.
I feel like I'm making sense of it.
But some days it's just…
[inhales deeply] I don't know.
It feels self-indulgent.
It feels… masturbatory.
I don't know, maybe I should just bail
on the whole thing.
No, no. No. You shouldn't bail.
Ah, you don't have to say that.
I'm not just saying that. Okay?
I believe in you, babe.
- Sweetie, you haven't even read the book.
- I read the book.
I read it, and it's great.
- Thank you.
- [chuckles]
For most of our marriage,
you have been the rock.
You supported me. Okay?
And it's my turn to support you.
Just go for it.
I-I want you to follow your dreams.
And if that means inviting Brett Coyote
into our marriage,
then… [laughs] …I guess
we're a throuple now.
Thank you. That… That really…
- That means so much to me.
- Yeah.
But just so you know,
Brett Coyote would never settle down.
I know, I know. I was being metaphorical.
- Oh, okay. Just making sure.
- Yeah.
Okay.
[inhales deeply]
Thank you. [sighs]
[inspector] Can you clean out
the remaining items in your vehicle
before we take it over for processing?
- [Sylvia] Oh, sure.
- Ah, yeah.
[sighing] Oh, wow.
[exhales heavily]
[clicks tongue] Okay.
- Yeah.
- [Sylvia chuckles]
Oh, dear.
We don't need this anymore.
- Oh! Baby Mum-Mums.
- Baby Mum-Mums.
[chuckles] Remember
that's all Maeve would eat?
That's all she would eat.
[grunts]
Oh, my… [gasps]
Oh, my God.
[both] Baa! [chuckle]
- Oh, wow!
- Oh, my God.
- Wow.
- [sighs]
Simon would be so happy
if we'd found that, like, five years ago.
Yeah.
Losing Baa ruined
that whole trip to Carmel.
That was terrible.
Oh, my God. Wand.
- [chuckles] This must be ten years old.
- [chuckles]
Do you remember
when Frances would wear that dress?
She wouldn't take that fairy dress off
for a whole six months.
Oh, it was so cute.
It was so filthy.
We should've cleaned this car more often.
Yeah. [sighs]
[both sigh]
This is too sad.
- I don't wanna do this anymore.
- Yeah.
[sighing]
[both sigh]
This happens a lot. Just let it out.
Hey.
Just so you know,
you've always been my rock.
My crazy, neurotic rock.
[both chuckle]
Mmm. I love you.
- Thanks, babe.
- [engine starts]
[Charlie sighs]
Goodbye, 2012 Honda Odyssey. [chuckles]
[chuckles] Goodbye.
[sighs] All right. I gotta get going.
- I have a flight to catch.
- Oh, right. Yeah. Are you checked in?
Fuck.
[PA announcement, indistinct]
Shit.
You ready to sign?
I am.
Congratulations.
[sighs]
["You Only Live Once" playing]
[Will] All right. There we go.
Nice.
Ooh.
Yeah.
[blows] Nice.
[song continues]
All right. Hit it!
[Will] Hey!
[helpers cheering]
Oh, yeah. Carrie, remember I told you
I can't do the Family Stink premiere
on the 11th. That's Maeve's birthday.
So bring that slut.
She's seven!
Oh. Well, you have a husband,
right? [chuckles]
Oh, shit. Sorry, babe.
I-I actually have to take this.
Not to brag, but it's the VP
of Global Merchandising.
- [laughs]
- [softly] Okay.
Yeah, she and I are getting shit-faced
tonight at the Kids' Choice Awards, so…
jealous? [chuckles]
Bye, whore!
Hey, you nasty fucker.
You ready to get your drink on?
Hey!
- Hello.
- How's it going?
Good. How are you?
Good. Really good. Um, great. Yeah.
Few weeks away
from opening Shitty Little Bar actually.
- Wow. Oh, that's exciting.
- Yeah. Yeah. Super cool.
- I read about it in the LA Times.
- What about you? Throwing a party?
Uh, yeah. We're having
a book party for Charlie.
- No shit?
- Yeah.
Wait. He published
that book he was writing?
Well, self-published.
Yes. That makes more sense.
Yeah, he found this website
where you upload your file
and they turn it into this spiral-bound
kinda thing that looks like a book!
- Yeah. That's a book.
- [chuckles]
- He's very happy. Yeah.
- [laughs] That's great.
Awesome.
[clicks tongue] Uh, how's, um…
how's everything else?
Good. I've been busy. I've been
throwing a bunch of corporate parties.
- Traveling a ton. Very busy.
- Nice. You went corporate.
- Never home.
- [both chuckle]
- [chuckles] Uh. Well, uh… Yeah.
- Anyway, here's your…
- Thank you so much. Appreciate that.
- Yeah.
And, uh… Yeah.
- Good luck with everything.
- Good luck to you. Yeah.
Good luck with your life
and family and all that.
- Um… All right. I'll see ya. Yeah.
- Okay.
[Will shouting, through door]
What the fuck?
Oh, no! My fucking God!
Shit! Fuck!
Fuckers! Oh, my God. No.
[groans]
Why is this happening to me?
[groans]
Why do you hate me, God?
This is not your problem.
This is his problem. Not yours.
- [Will] Why?
- Do not go out there.
- [Watson whining]
- [Will groans]
Right, boy?
Okay, he's gonna go away, isn't he?
- [Will] Oh, fuck!
- [sighs]
[groans]
You okay?
[sighs] Johnny 66 sent me a noncompete.
- What does it say?
- [sighs]
It says that I can't open my bar.
I was weeks away.
All the money and time I put into…
I can't fucking believe
Jenna would do this to me.
- [sighs]
- I'm sorry, buddy.
- She must still really be pissed off.
- Yeah.
What should I do?
I think you should proceed
however you wish to proceed.
What does that mean?
I don't wanna say the wrong thing
and mess up your life again.
You don't mess up my life, okay?
You… You help make my life better.
You're the only person
who's honest with me,
and it's just easier to yell at you
than to get my shit together.
Oh, thanks.
I just feel like I'm the exact loser
that Jenna always said I was.
No, you're not.
- I really am.
- No, you're not.
You know what?
Honestly, I think you should…
you should try and change her mind.
That seems like an uphill battle.
I was a top exec at this company,
and you put all the personal shit
on top of that,
they're never gonna release me from this.
You don't know what could happen.
I exploded her father's eyeball
and then left her at the altar.
You still don't know what could happen,
and you taught me that.
You were the one
who told me to go corporate,
and now I'm planning a party
at the Anaheim Convention Center
for the Laser Karate Gang.
What is the Laser Karate Gang?
It's like the Power Rangers,
but, you know, they're LGBTQ.
The point is that I'm doing it
because of you.
You'd really do that?
Of course. We can take my new wheels.
No more minivan?
- No, I got something fancier.
- What?
A Honda CR-V.
Oh.
I don't know what that is.
Just imagine the most generic idea
of a car. That's it.
- I got it. Thank you.
- Yeah.
- [engine whirring in distance]
- [gasps] Oh, my God.
- Yeah! I fucking did it!
- [beeping]
This is a sign!
You beat that tiny robot.
Let's go get Shitty Little Bar back! Yes!
[grunts]
Fuck that thing.
[sighs]
What if I go in, like, super sweet?
You know what I mean?
Okay. Like what?
"Hey, uh, I know
we've had our differences,
but this is really
affecting my livelihood, Penguini."
- "Penguini"? Are you crazy?
- You're right. I shouldn't have said it.
As soon as it came out of my mouth,
I was like, "No. You don't…
- Don't drop a Penguini in this moment."
- She'll kill you.
- "Are you fucking crazy?"
- No.
Maybe I do the opposite.
I go, like, aggressive, right?
- Okay, yeah.
- Like,
"You better let me outta this fucking deal
or my fucking legal team will be
all up in your fucking asshole."
Okay. I think you're gonna know
what to do when you see her, okay?
- Nobody knows her better than you do.
- You're right.
- Do you really think this is gonna work?
- A hundred percent.
- Okay. Thank you.
- Yeah.
Oh, no, she is way too busy
for whatever this is.
No, no, no. You can't go in there.
Hello? You cannot go in there.
Jenna, we need to talk.
Ciao. Arrivederci.
Jesus Christ. Wh-What are you doing here?
You gotta let me out of this noncompete.
Hey! Oh, my goodness.
What happened? Did you do it?
[sighs] In a sense.
Uh, we had sex and then
she told me to go fuck myself.
- Wow.
- Yeah.
It's so weird
when she's willing to have sex with you.
[sighs] I-I never understood what turned
her on. She was on a conference call
- the whole time.
- Okay.
- [Will] She didn't even mute it.
- No, thank you.
- I had to be completely silent.
- No.
Which was hard for me
'cause I'm a very vocal lover.
- [Sylvia] Nope.
- I am.
- You asked.
- [Sylvia] I did not.
- You asked.
- I definitely did not.
[Will] I don't know what I'm gonna do now.
[Sylvia] You're gonna open your own bar.
I don't know how,
but it's gonna happen, buddy.
- I believe in you.
- Thank you.
You wanna come back to my place
and hear a live reading of Brett Coyote?
- You know what, I actually do.
- [both chuckle]
- Hey, you wanna hear something hilarious?
- Always.
- I slept with Katie. [chuckles]
- [crashes]
- Jesus!
- [Sylvia] Oh, my God.
This is a brand new car!
Why'd you have to tell me that?
- Sorry.
- What's wrong with you?
- I thought it would cheer you up.
- I was focusing!
- [groans] It was bad timing.
- Fuck.
"Watson barked.
Coyote turned to him
and said, 'Shush now.'"
[guests chuckling]
"Coyote looked at the clock.
It was 4:58 p.m.
He grabbed the alternative
dispute resolution documents
and sprinted to the appellate court,
hoping to get there
before the clerk's office closed at 5:00."
[gasps] Wow. [chuckles]
[chuckles] Wow.
You can't stop there, man. Come on.
[chuckles] Hey, don't stop there.
Well, you guys can get a copy
of the book here
or you can download the whole thing
on the Doodliedoo app.
But, um, I really, really
wanna thank my wife
for being so supportive and patient
while I wrote this book.
And to my kids. Thank you.
And Diane, uh, thank you
for all your help with the legal questions
as it pertains to real estate.
Anytime. [chuckles]
Um, any questions
before we pop the champagne?
Yeah?
How do you think of this stuff?
Oh, well, you know,
just sort of comes to me.
It would've made more sense to me
if Coyote had used a VPN.
Virtual private network.
- Okay. Thank you, Paul.
- You're welcome.
- Uh-huh?
- Omar.
Uh, how do you write so much
without your wrist getting carpal tunnel?
Oh. I actually have a keyboard that,
uh, supports your wrists as you type.
I-I can send you the link on Amazon.
Nah.
Omar, what are you doing here?
You put it on the work calendar,
so I showed up.
Oh.
[Charlie] Mm-hmm?
[influencer voice]
When I launched Boss Mama Industries,
I found that working by myself
allowed me the creative freedom
to pursue all of my interests
under one umbrella.
I'm sorry. Is there a question?
No. That's it.
- Oh. Yeah?
- My mom made a book out of my stories
and it looks just like your book.
- Oh. [chuckles] That's great.
- [guests chuckling]
We're both writers. We are the same.
Yeah. Yep.
Okay. Well, uh,
are there any other questions?
Okay, I think it might be time
to pop the champagne!
- Yeah.
- Thank you for coming, everybody!
Thank you!
So, what'd you think?
It's great. It has so many words.
I know it's not very good.
Look, it could use some trims.
Stewart, I am not an idiot.
But I will get better.
You know, I watched a TED talk
where Dean R. Koontz said
you have to write at least five novels
before you're ready to publish.
And in the meantime,
I think I'm ready to come back to work.
Really? That would be great.
But what about Brett Coyote though?
I don't know. Nights, weekends.
Truth is, I miss being around people.
Also, when I work at home, I…
I masturbate a lot.
Girl, I get it. The pandemic was brutal.
Yeah.
We can work something out.
We'd love to have you back. We all would.
Excuse me, will you please sign my book?
Oh. Yeah, sure.
[chuckles]
I've never met a real author before.
I have never been called an author before.
- [chuckles] Thank you.
- [Charlie chuckles]
Are you crying?
No. No.
Why does everybody always ask me
if I'm crying?
- Because, honestly, you cry a lot.
- Well, I'm an emotional guy.
I got my license in the mail.
The photo looks weird, right?
- [Gemma] No way. You look so hot.
- Yeah. You're so right.
We should take a photo with your license.
Oh, my God. Yes. Amazing.
Oh. Paul, you're sweet. You don't
have to play with my kid. It's okay.
No, it's all good. He's teaching me
how to rip his head off.
[Simon] No! You're doing it wrong. You're…
- You're doing Meteoric Strike…
- Well, just…
…and you're supposed to be doing
Wrath of the Frost Ancient. It's…
Well, you have to explai…
Don't take it. I'm…
Hey, hey. Let's use our manners, mate.
Let's be polite.
- Okay. Take this and then you rip it.
- I can do it. I can do it.
- You're doing it wrong.
- Look… [stammers]
- Just let me show you.
- I'm doing what you explained to me.
- I'm doing what you explained to me.
- I-I'm out. I'm out. I'm done.
Have you ever thought
of doing your own podcast?
I just feel like
you have the moxie for it.
Well, thank you very much.
I don't really know if I have the…
Hello.
[both] Hi.
- Bye.
- Bye.
The government has since admitted
there are UFOs, so… Just…
- I know.
- Will.
- Hey, it's been a long time.
- Hey. Good to see you.
- Yeah. What's happening? Yeah.
- Good to see you. Yeah.
How are things?
Not that great. I just got slapped
with a noncompete from Johnny 66.
I was supposed to open my own bar,
but now that's kind of fucked. [chuckles]
Noncompetes.
Everyone signs them, everyone regrets it.
Yeah, I got a room full of lawyers here.
- Anyone have a way out of this thing?
- Yeah.
Oof. Honestly, noncompetes are tricky.
The only bankable way to get around one
would be to get somebody else
to be the face of the company.
- Okay.
- Yeah, you could partner up
on the new bar with one of
your old friends from Lucky Penny.
Oh. They're all, uh, awaiting trial
for federal crimes,
so probably not
the best business partners.
- Yeah.
- Mm-mmm.
Anybody else you could partner with?
[Maeve] Look, look!
- N-No. Okay, no, no, no, no. No, no.
- [Stewart] Oh, dear.
We don't want
Jessipa and the dog together.
- Jessipa. Come on. Come on.
- Can you please deal with that?
I mean…
- I mean, pal…
- Pal.
[both laugh]
You and I going into business together
would be, like, the worst idea.
- Am I right?
- Yeah, it'd be catastrophic.
- Terrible, terrible idea.
- Yeah.
You would get to spend
more time with your family.
- But also, I don't like beer.
- Ah.
So if we were to do this,
we'd have to include some wine.
I mean, that's a concession
I'd be open to making.
Okay. And so I'm kinda realizing
if I'm the face of the company,
then I'm technically your boss.
- You're working for me. Okay? [laughs]
- You would actually be my boss. [laughs]
Okay? So I'm hiring you.
- You are, yeah.
- Have you got any references?
I do. Are we… Are we really talking
about going into business together?
- For real? [laughs]
- I think we are. [laughs]
I'm in. Could be fun.
It could be a disaster. [laughs]
Us? A disaster? I don't…
I don't see how that's possible.
[laughs] What could possibly go wrong?
- [Will, Sylvia laughing]
- ["Hate That You Know Me" playing]