Gilligan's Island (1964) s02e11 Episode Script

1
Just sit right back,
and you'll hear a tale ♪
a tale of a fateful trip ♪
that started from this tropic port ♪
aboard this tiny ship ♪
the mate was a mighty sailin' man ♪
the skipper brave and sure ♪
5 passengers set sail that day
for a 3-hour tour ♪
a 3-hour tour ♪
[thunder rumbling]
The weather started getting rough ♪
the tiny ship was tossed ♪
if not for the courage
of the fearless crew ♪
the minnow would be lost,
the minnow would be lost ♪
the ship set ground
on the shore of this ♪
uncharted desert isle ♪
with gilligan ♪
the skipper, too ♪
the millionaire and his wife ♪
the movie star ♪
the professor and Mary Ann ♪
here on gilligan's isle ♪
Ok. Now, as soon as
we get these Poles stacked, professor,
we've got to start working
on the coconut bombs.
Right, skipper.
You really think there might be
headhunters around this island?
Well, gilligan, you were with us
when we found this.
It's a papuan headdress,
worn only when those
savages are on the warpath.
Gilligan, you don't think
that this walked here by itself, do you?
I mean, after all, we
we can't take any chances
with these headhunters around here.
No, sir. Some of them might be killers.
A distinct possibility.
Now, we've got to start
getting back to camp
and getting these things in there
so we can defend ourselves.
Right.
Skipper! Skipper!
Don't bother me, gilligan.
But, skipper!
Gilligan, we've got lots of work to do.
Aah!
Skipper?
Gilligan, I could have
been killed by that tree.
Well, I shouted to you,
and you said, "don't bother me."
Well, but if ever you see
that I'm about to be killed again,
it's ok to bother me, alright?
Hey, it would have
been rotten for all of us
if you had been killed.
Well, it wouldn't have been exactly
fun and games for me, either.
Think of it. All of us
here without a skipper.
Wait a minute.
Who would have replaced me?
What do you mean? With all these
cannibals here and everything.
Why, the first thing
they'd do is kill their leader.
Please.
Who'd be at the helm if I weren't here?
Uh, well, I guess we'd be just lost.
Oh, gilligan.
I've got to think. Just let me think.
Just in case, I've got
to have a replacement.
Let me think.
I'll think with you.
I know!
Who? Who?
He's got to be strong, I'll tell you that.
Strong? He's got to be strong?
[Deep voice] Skipper, you want me
to lift weights, skipper? Uh, anything?
Anything big? Bigger than this?
He's got to be real Navy.
Real Navy, skipper? Real Navy?
Oh, dear, sir. I seem
to have lost my watch.
How many bells is it?
Something else. He's
got to have real vision.
Real vision? Real vision?
Hey, skipper. You see the mosquito
out there, over the lagoon?
That's the same one
that buzzed me last night.
I can tell by the Mark under his wing.
Oops. It's under her wing.
He's got to look like a skipper.
Uh, look look like a skipper.
Oh, gilligan. For goodness sakes,
will you get out of my way?
I'm trying to think.
Aye, aye, sir. On the double.
Who's right for the job? Who?
Who could handle an attack? Who?
Gilligan!
Yes, sir. Yes, sir. Yes, sir.
Yes, sir, captain.
Oh. Where's the professor?
Professor, I've got to talk to you.
Well, I've been waiting
to talk to you, skipper.
I've been giving a good deal of thought
to our defense against these savages.
Then you're just the man I want to see.
Do you know that in 122 a.D.
The emperor hadrian
commanded plautorius nepos,
then the governor of britain,
to undertake the building of a structure
which later became known
as hadrian's wall?
Really? That's true.
However, that would be wrong for us,
as would William the conqueror's
tower of London, circa 1066.
But the savage mind today,
which is similar to the apache
marauder of 300 years ago,
is the clue to our defense. Now, look,
the upper level will be open
and accessible only by
ladders and notched Poles,
which can be pulled up in case of attack.
But, professor, do you know
how long it'd take to build that?
Well, the savages we're
dealing with are very clever.
Yes, but they're fast, too.
I mean, we've got to have something
to defend ourselves now,
not 10 years from now.
Well, we can't jump
into anything, skipper.
We've got to examine
all sides of the question,
and then after extensive consideration
but, professor, you just
don't seem to understand.
Those savages are probably waiting
over the hill right now,
and at any moment,
to shoot arrows at us.
Oh? What kind of arrows?
Sharp arrows, of course.
What difference does it
make what kind of arrows?
Well, the kind of arrow
would give us an indication
of a type of defense.
For instance, a flaming arrow
can be extraordinarily dangerous.
Certainly it can be, professor.
It could also give you heartburn. Exactly.
Hey, skipper. Skipper.
Look at this new longbow I invented.
Gilligan, didn't anybody
ever tell you not to point?
I thought that meant just for fingers.
Skipper, this ought to come in
real handy in case we're attacked.
Why don't you try it out?
Well, it looks like a
very nice bow, gilligan.
That's quite an idea that you've got.
It is, skipper. It really is good.
It'll probably save a lot of lives.
Yeah.
Yes, gilligan. It'll probably
save a lot of lives.
A lot of savages' lives!
Now, here, take this
and make some fire out of it.
Make it use it for kindling.
Oh, I've got to find somebody
that could take over.
Are you absolutely certain
that we're going be captured, thurston?
Yes, my dear. It's terribly distressing.
I just don't know what to
wear to a capture, that's all.
Well, I don't think beige would clash
with those grass skirts
the natives always wear.
I do think chiffon's
terribly chic for a capture.
Don't you, darling?
No, my dear. I'm not
too sure about chiffon.
I mean, to a garden party, yes.
Oh, chiffon will take you everywhere.
Now, do you think these,
uh, these Oxford shirts are too informal?
I mean, I could wear them with the
we must be sure not to upset them, dear.
They might get nasty, and drop us
into one of those pots of boiling water.
Well, in that case, uh, drip dry.
[Knock on door]
Who is it?
It's me.
Oh, the captain. Yes,
yes. Come in. Come in.
May I say that this is the time for action.
Oh, I like your kind of man.
May I repeat, this is the time for action.
For example, you're certainly not
gonna wear that outfit
to a capture, are you?
Huh? Well, we've been mulling
about what to wear to a capture.
Have you ever been to one?
Oh, it may seem
incredible to you, captain,
but this will be our first capture.
Now, wait a minute, you two,
we're a long way from being captured.
And besides, even if we were captured,
what we're wearing
couldn't be less important.
Ooh, what you said.
Dressing is always terribly important.
Now, if it's a signing of a formal treaty,
we we dress formally.
If it's an outright capture,
we dress somber, but sincere.
Darling, do you think
my cerise smoking jacket
is too obvious, hmm?
Oh, come on. Can't you two
stop talking about clothes for a minute?
We've got to work on a plan
to save us from those savages.
Oh, I've been working on that for hours.
Ransom money.
Ransom money? Yes.
Everybody understands cash, captain.
Oh, you two just don't
seem to understand.
I mean, those savages are headhunters.
They're gonna come
at us with Spears. Ooh!
No spear can go through this.
Hey, skipper? Look at this new weapon.
I made a whole bunch of them.
Hey, that's quite a slingshot.
Don't. What did I tell you
about pointing, gilligan?
Oh, it's rude, yeah.
Well, not that way. This way.
Oh. Ready, aim, fire.
Oof!
Gilligan, will you give me that thing?
Now, where are the girls?
The girls?
The girls.
I think they're in their hut.
Oh, thanks a lot, gilligan. Now, here.
Whoa!
Give me that thing, gilligan. Let go of it.
There. Now it's safe.
[Knocking]
Come in.
Hi, girls. How's it going?
Uh, how's, uh, what going, skipper?
Well, you've been rolling bandages.
The bandages. Where are they?
You tell him.
No, you tell him.
Oh, come on, you two.
Where are the bandages
that you were supposed to be rolling?
Oh, they're in her hair.
In her hair?
Well, you see,
um, I read this story in a magazine
about a movie star who
was stuck in a hick town,
and she didn't know
what to do with her hair.
And so she tore up some old pillowcases
and she made curlers out of them.
So when we were rolling the bandages,
I told Mary Ann the
story, and she said that
well, I said it, but it was your idea.
Well, I didn't say that we should do it.
Well, it's the same thing.
Gilligan, little buddy.
Come here and sit down.
I want to talk with you. That's it.
You know, I've been thinking
a lot about you lately.
As a matter of fact, I made a
decision of great importance.
About what?
Well, the fact is, gilligan,
if anything happened to me,
there's only one logical
replacement, and that's you.
Yeah, I thought you might say
me? Me?
Oh, this is my first promotion
since grammar school.
Well, gilligan, it's not exactly a promotion.
It's just, uh, well, in case
something happens to me.
Well, it's better than
being put back, skipper.
Skinny mulligan was in the eighth grade,
and he got put back all the way
never mind about skinny mulligan.
Now, little buddy, this is
gonna take a lot of hard work.
And in order for you to
assume the command,
I've got to get you into shape.
Oh, skipper, I'm in great shape.
I can do 6 push-ups and
3 sit-ups all in one day.
Want to see one?
No. Thanks very much, gilligan.
Now, the idea is
in order to be a skipper
and for people to treat you like a skipper,
you've got to look like one.
Now, get on your feet, gilligan.
Now, pay attention.
Ten-hut! Suck in your gut!
Roll out your chest!
It's out.
Chin in.
In where?
Will you look straight out?
Sneer a little. Scowl a bit.
Bring your shoulders up.
Loosen your arms.
Make a big fist with your right hand
and put it in your left.
That's it, gilligan.
Now, bend your knees a bit.
Clear your throat.
Get ready to bark out the
command, "battle stations!"
Alright, gilligan. Bark.
[Barking]
Alright, gilligan. That's not funny.
I want you to bark out an order.
It's gotta come from there!
Battle stations!
That's it, gilligan. Battle stations!
[Wimpy voice] Battle
stations! How's that?
Peachy, gilligan. But why don't you say it
so someone will pay
attention to you? Oh.
[Wimpy voice] Battle stations! Please.
Gilligan, just forget
anything that I've said.
Aw, skipper. I do better
if there are people out there, you know?
You know, gilligan, I've got news for you.
You're not ready for people yet!
Forward, march.
Hup, 2, 3, 4. Hup, 2, 3, 4.
Hup, 2, 3, 4. Hup, 2, 3, 4.
Hup, 2, 3, 4, hup
my troops will go anywhere for me.
I'm ready. Ooh.
I think.
Gilligan, I feel that we
have quite an arsenal.
Here's our catapult.
These are our war clubs. Ha ha ha.
Our Spears, our coconut
bombs, our shields,
and last but not least, our helmets.
Oh.
Now, in order to confuse our enemy,
the people will be called by letters,
which they already know,
and the weapons will be
oh, gilligan. Never mind
playing with the helmets.
This is business. Aah.
Now, the weapons
will be called by number,
such as the helmets are number one,
the shields are number 2,
the coconuts are number 3, and so forth.
What's fifth?
Uh, the war clubs,
gilligan. Never mind that.
Now, everybody down
behind the barricade.
Come on. Let's try this.
Now, I want you to watch, gilligan.
I want you to watch this precision,
and watch it closely.
Alright. C-1.
B-2.
A-3.
D-4.
E-2.
Double time. Double time.
Very good, people.
Now, gilligan. Do you understand that?
No. Yes. I think so.
Look. Mrs. Howell is
"a." Mr. Howell is "b."
The professor is "c." Mary
Ann is "d," and ginger is "e."
Now, if we want one
of 'em to get a weapon,
we say number one for the helmets,
number 2 for the shields,
number 3 for the coconuts,
and on down the line, right?
Now, have you got that?
Yeah. It's easy.
Fine, gilligan. Alright, everybody.
Attention. We're gonna try it again,
and this time, gilligan is taking over.
They're all yours, gilligan,
and be rough with 'em.
B-1.
A-1. C-4.
D-3. E-4.
A-7. No. C, d, e-1.
Uh, e-3.
A-1. B-3.
C-7. B-6. E-1.
A, b, c, d, e?
[Breathes deeply]
Don't worry, skipper. Give me a chance.
I'll prove it to you. I'm a real good skipper.
Gilligan, to a monkey
you may be a skipper,
but to a skipper, you're no skipper at all!
It's not a fair test.
Why not?
Because you're here. I mean,
nobody's paying any
attention to me at all.
They're all lookin' at you.
That's ridiculous.
Yeah? I bet if you weren't
here, I'd do real good.
Come on, skipper. Please.
Can I have another chance?
Alright, gilligan. Continue with the drill.
I'll go down to the lagoon
and see if any savages have landed.
Alright. Now, we'll try
a little more drilling.
Ten-hut!
Wait a minute. Mr. Howell?
Mr. Howell, what's wrong?
You forgot to say "Simon says."
Simon says! Simon says! Simon
who's Simon?
Skipper!
Hey, skipper!
Skipper!
"Completely surrounded by savages.
I know I'll never escape now, and"
Savages. Savages. Professor. Professor.
Mr. Howell. Hey, everybody, the savages!
The savages! They've
captured the skipper! Help! Help!
Gilligan: They captured the skipper!
They captured the skipper!
They captured the skipper!
"Completely surrounded by savages.
I know I'll never escape from them."
[Gasps] I'm going to faint!
No, no, no. Don't faint, lovey.
You know I faint when
I see anyone else faint.
Oh, my poor darling.
I found the note and hat by the lagoon.
It looks like a big fight.
Well, what do we do now?
Don't worry, Mr. Howell.
The skipper felt this was gonna happen,
and he trained me to take over.
Well, I'll handle this, gilligan.
After all, I am the professor.
Mr. Howell: No, I'll take over.
I've handled major corporations for years
and done rather well, if I say so myself.
Wait a minute. I've
been trained to take over!
Well, I think we must examine
all the evidence very carefully
before we jump to conclusions.
But, professor
no buts, gilligan! We have
to investigate at once!
Absolutely.
Does look like a scuffle took place here.
These footprints, and the
fact that some of these rocks
have been turned over
would seem to bear that out.
Come on, we gotta find out
where they took the skipper.
Oh, exactly, gilligan. But
first we must determine
the rate of flow of the tide.
What difference does that make?
Well, it's extremely important, gilligan.
The savage mind, by instinct,
knows that it's safer to travel at high tide.
But they're not taking a tour.
They took the skipper!
These leaves will show
us the direction of the tide.
That way we'll know whether the skipper
has been taken off the island or not.
Mr. Howell, I think the
professor's wasting time.
Yes, so do I, my boy.
I'm working on an
entirely different theory.
Now, you take this note
I meant it as a figure of speech!
Don't take it. Refer to it!
We must think in terms of new evidence.
Are we sure that this is
the skipper's handwriting?
I didn't write it. I just found it.
But the "a" looks like an "o,"
and the "e" is very thin.
You dot it, and it's an "I."
Perhaps it's not the
skipper's handwriting.
If it's a forgery, it's completely worthless.
Professor, we've gotta find the skipper!
Not until we've learned about the tide.
Huh? Oh
Mr. Howell, I can't do a
thing with the professor.
Just like all eggheads! All think, no do.
Maybe you'd better talk to him, huh?
Alright, my boy, come on.
Are you through playing
with your boats in the bathtub?
Please, Mr. Howell,
this is very important.
It's a scientific approach to the problem.
Scientific approach?
I tell you, that egghead
wasn't born, he was hatched!
Now, see here, Mr. Howell,
I do not have
what about the skipper?
The skipper, oh, yes!
Once I get this on a business-like basis,
we'll find him at once.
We are not forming a corporation.
And we are not forming an
F.B.I. of the south sea islands!
I will not be intimidated by your wealth!
I will not be intimidated by
your intellectual propaganda!
I wish you would listen to
someone else for a change!
You're always so positive!
That is not true! I'm positive
that I'm not always positive!
Do you think you can do it, gilligan?
I'm sure I can.
The skipper taught me everything:
How to stand, how to walk,
how to give a command.
I'm ready to be skipper,
and nobody'll let me.
Alright, let's see.
Give me a command.
Okay.
Suck in your gut!
I'm sorry, Mary Ann.
Oh, well, that was very good.
Alright. Go ahead.
Uh, 2 buoys at the starboard beam!
Well, what's that?
I think it sounds Navy,
but it makes me feel salty.
See my sneer and my scowl?
And my narrow eyes?
Oh well, you look very different.
Yeah, and I feel different.
When you gotta be a skipper,
you gotta look like a skipper.
Oh, you do look like the skipper.
I do?
Uh-huh.
Forward, hhurch!
Mary Ann, how'd I do?
Mary Ann? Mary Ann?
Mary Ann!
Gilligan, you've got me marching!
Now, I think you ought to
go out and tell the others
who the skipper really is.
Oh, you can do it, can't you?
I think I can. I think I can.
Oh, go out there
and be a take-charge guy!
I think I can!
Show some authority I think I can!
Go out and tell them!
I think I can!
Go out and show 'em! I can!
I think.
I know I can. I know I can.
I know I can.
Ok, gilligan. Now. Take over!
Mary Mary
ten-hut!
How dare you talk
like that to your captain!
Howell, I'm the new skipper here!
And don't any of you forget it!
Now, pipe down and shape up!
Well, I mean quiet!
Now
The skipper wanted me to be skipper
if anything happened to the skipper.
And I'm gonna be skipper
because that's the way
the skipper wanted it.
Any questions?!
Well
we're gonna have a search
for the skipper Right now!
Any questions?!
Tun-hut!
Left face!
Forward hharch!
Hup!
Hup!
Hup!
Hup!
We'll use this canvas
to trap one of the savages.
When he steps on this vine,
it'll trigger that rock,
and the vines will pull up
the corners of the canvas
and will bag him like
a sackful of potatoes.
And then we'll force him to
take us to where the skipper is.
Professor, you climb that
tree and act as lookout.
Yes, sir.
Mr. and mrs, ho well, go
get the first aid supplies.
There might be trouble.
Yes, sir. Yes, sir. Aye, aye.
You girls, go back to camp.
Yes, sir.
[Sighs]
Captain. Uhh!
May I volunteer?
A woman's place is in her hut.
I bet I'd be a very good spy.
I'm sorry. I issued my orders.
Oh, come on, gilligan,
you're not bein' fair.
Uh all's fair in war and love.
Or, all's love in fair and war.
No, really. Give me a
chance. I'd be the perfect spy.
No. Spying is a man's work.
Mata hari wore pants.
I know, but we have to get
information from a savage.
I could get any information
from anybody that you wanted.
They don't even talk English.
But I could lure him into the trap.
How?
Well I'll just, um
Walk over here like this
And wiggle.
Oh! I got it!
I got somebody in the trap!
The trap! It worked!
Yeah! We bagged one!
Quick! We gotta tie him up!
Here! Here!
[Loud shouting, indistinct]
Sounds like English.
Yeah. Sometimes they
learn a few words of English
in order to get past the sentry.
Alright, stand back, everyone!
I tell you, it's a trick!
I'll beat the truth out of him.
Ooh!
Ooh!
Gilligan!
"Gilligan"! I wonder what that means
in their tongue.
It's me! I was not kidnapped!
It was a test for gilligan!
Hold it! At ease! Dismissed!
Cut him down! Is that you, skipper?
Of course it's me, gilligan!
Here.
Ooohhh!
You expecting Dr. Livingston?!
I did this whole thing as a test for you!
There were no savages!
Gilligan, get me out of this thing!
It's the skipper! He's safe!
We must be certain. Those
natives can be terribly crafty.
Oh! Itisthe skipper!
Alright! Line up and prepare
to move back to camp!
Wait a minute, gilligan. I want to
explain exactly what happened.
But, skipper, you said
there were no savages.
Now, what about that
ceremonial headdress?
That's exactly the point
I'm getting at, professor.
If you'll look inside, there's a label there
that says "made in Paris."
Of course there is.
It's an original. I had it made specially.
Oh, I must've left it
someplace on the island.
I said "line up" before, and I meant it!
Now, take it easy, gilligan!
I was just explaining
about those savages.
Now, when I found this hat out there,
I thought that I'd give you a test.
But it just alright, sir, pipe down!
I said "line up," and I meant it! Ten-hut!
Huhh!
Alright, now.
Fall in and follow me back to camp!
Hup 2, 3, 4!
Hup, 2, 3, 4!
Hup, 2, 3, 4! Hup,
2, 3, 4!
Hup, 2, 3, 4!
[Counting and gilligan
barking orders, indistinct]
Gilligan. Gilligan, back!
Gilligan, I don't care if you are
gilligan! Gilligan!
[Whining] Uuuhhhh! Uuuuhhhh!
That's the spirit, little buddy.
Now you're getting the hang of it.
I just love sailors.
He wears my
commodore's hat rather well,
don't you think, lovey?
He looks marvelous.
Remember, gilligan, only 30-inch steps.
Doesn't he look smart?
[Ruhh]
[Ruhh]
[Squawking]
[Ape hooting]
[Hooh hooh hooh hooh]
I sucked it in!
[Hooh aaahhh]
Ooh!
They're here for a long, long time ♪
they'll have to make the best of things ♪
it's an uphill climb ♪
the first mate and his skipper, too ♪
will do their very best ♪
to make the others comfortable ♪
in the tropic island nest ♪
no phone No lights
no motorcars, not a single luxury ♪
like Robinson crusoe ♪
it's primitive as can be ♪
so join us here each week, my friends ♪
you're sure to get a smile ♪
from 7 stranded castaways ♪
here on gilligan's isle ♪