Going Dutch (2025) s02e11 Episode Script

1
[INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC]
[SIGHS]
Is this towel taken?
- I was saving it for you.
- Oh.
[CHUCKLES] You know,
we really should have taken
a holiday like this a long time ago.
Yeah.
Well, this is the best
you've ever looked.
I gave you a little BBL.
I like my mermaids with some whale tail.
What the hell is going on here?
I said to bag the sand,
not play in it like children.
These are just the leftovers, okay?
We ran out of sandbags.
[MAGGIE] After filling up
every single one,
by the way, which felt like overkill.
It's not overkill, okay?
There's a biblical storm coming.
A once-in-a-lifetime storm, supposedly.
Like a great man once said,
"One day a rain may come
and wash all the scum
from these streets."
Did you just call Travis Bickle
from Taxi Driver a great man?
Travis was a Vietnam veteran,
and he knew the value of
firearms and physical fitness.
[THUNDER RUMBLES]
Storm's coming.
Get back to work, Papadakis.
I prefer Mermadakis.
I'm not about to call you Mer
Stop looking at me.
[THEME MUSIC]
Hey, the NATO base in Mons has flooded
because of the storm,
and I told General Martin
that she and her troops
can come here, and we will put them up.
Oh, Euro hottie, slumber party.
- Ooh!
- It's not a real slumber party.
And I don't care
if their hotties or busted.
- Thank you, Conway.
- Ooh, you got it.
What's happening?
The Colonel and I have been doing
a generational cultural exchange.
I taught him "busted,"
and he taught me about
something called
Creedence Clearwater Revival.
Very good, Conway. Yeah.
The troops are on their way.
I want you guys to be aware of the fact
you're gonna have
to share quarters, okay?
And Sergeant Conway is
in charge of the accommodation,
so she will assign everybody.
Does General Martin have
any special requests?
Uh, I think General Martin is all set.
- [LAUGHS] Okay.
- [PATRICK] Sorry, what?
I don't know what's going on here.
Sounds like your Canadian girlfriend's
trying to move in with you.
No! No, that's not what I said.
That's how it starts.
"Come over, I got central AC."
Next thing you know, you sign
in her name to the lease.
Yeah, I don't know
what you're talking about.
Trust me, sooner or later,
General Martin's gonna be
wearing her night guard to bed
and letting her panties dry
in the shower.
[ALL LAUGH]
That's not
Not gonna be happening, okay?
I just hope that you're ready
to give up your side of the bed.
My side of the bed is
the whole bed, okay?
There's no two sides.
It's my side.
- Got it.
- Interesting fact.
- Interesting?
- We believe you, sir.
I'm your superior officer.
You're not allowed to mock me.
[ALL LAUGH]
[INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC]
[KNOCKING ON DOOR]
Hi.
Hi.
Um
You know, things have been
so busy since yesterday
when we, uh
- Kissed?
- Kissed. Yeah.
- That kiss was amazing.
- [MAGGIE] It was.
It was something out of a movie.
Yeah. Okay. Yeah.
- The best kiss of my life, so
- Yeah, me, too.
But we also thought, like,
maybe you were gonna die.
- Yeah, I'm gonna die.
- So
I guess there's only one way
to find out.
Yeah.
Hmm.
Um
That wasn't quite
as good.
- 'Cause I remembered it.
- Remembered it.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
- It's me. It's me.
- Okay.
Okay, you know how,
like, some people find
sneaking around really, like, sexy?
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
Well, you know what I found really sexy?
- What? Okay.
- Following the rules.
And I think that's
what's happening here.
- I understand, um
- Yeah. Okay. Yeah.
- But we wanna do this.
- But we wanna do this.
- Okay.
- Yes, we gotta do this.
- Just
- Yeah, just, um
- Work our way up to it.
- Work our way up to it.
[CHUCKLES]
- [KNOCKING ON DOOR]
- Um, come on in.
Everything is normal in here.
The door is not closed
for any reason at all.
We are good here.
How are you?
[INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC]
Okay, I'm not gonna say
it's a good thing
that there's a flood.
'Cause thoughts and prayers to
the tulip farmers, obviously.
But it's not a bad thing
that I'm gonna get more
FaceTime with General Martin.
Yeah.
I hope she's not thinking that
this is gonna be
some kind of a step
for the relationship.
- You know, like step forward.
- Hmm.
'Cause I'm not really
I don't want to take a step
in any direction.
Yeah, you gotta accept that it's a step.
- Really?
- Yeah.
'Cause our relationship is,
like, so sexy and fun.
Those are the two things we're built on.
- And scotch a-and innuendo.
- Right.
Four things.
Those are like
That's our foundation.
Is just, like, drinking
and messing around.
You know what I mean?
Like, I don't think,
even with an act of God,
that that would change.
Have you ever considered that
maybe God wants you two to be together?
Okay, you know I have Catholic stuff.
That's creepy, for you
to use that against me.
[MARTIN] Just bring him
into my temporary office.
[SIGHS]
We made it.
Now, get me out of these damp clothes
and pour me a scotch.
Hurry.
- [SNORTS]
- Ugh.
- See? Sexy and fun.
- Okay.
You know, sometimes you just forget
that you're my dad.
Who's Catholic now?
[INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC]
Captain, since I'm still aidless,
I was hoping
you could step into the role
while I'm on base.
[LAUGHS] Yeah.
- Hm.
- Yes, ma'am.
Man, I am not hating this flood.
[SCOFFS]
But thoughts and prayers
to the tulip farmers.
Mm. I hate tulips. Captain.
I just saw a soldier in pajamas.
I told them pajama night was can-can
Can never happen.
What's next?
Charades and s'mores?
- [CHUCKLES]
- [JAN] Snack time, everyone.
Some welcoming snacks
for our lovely guest.
We got chocolate marshmallows
and Graham Crackers.
But I wasn't sure,
do you put ranch dressing
on this or not?
I can never really get
when you guys like
ranch dressing on food
and when you don't.
[INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC]
So I guess we proved you can
put maple syrup on anything.
- [CHUCKLES]
- Pretty much, right?
Having a Canadian roommate
isn't so bad, is it?
- [CHUCKLES]
- Oh.
Sorry, I thought we were calling it.
- We can call it.
- Okay.
- Yeah, let's call it.
- Okay.
If I don't use this thing,
I gnaw through my own jaw.
Yeah, yeah, got it.
Not a problem.
I mean, you gotta do what you
[SNORES]
[SNORING]
Oh, my God.
[INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC]
It's Saturday.
What do you want to do today?
[CHUCKLES]
Saturdays, I, um,
I have to sharpen my hunting knives,
and it takes a long time.
I've gotta be really super focused,
so I have to be kinda by myself.
But what are you gonna do?
I was gonna watch
some human cockfighting.
Okay.
You what?
Human cockfighting.
Where?
[GRUNTS]
- [LAUGHS]
- Oh, wow.
This is a fun Saturday.
What'd you think we were
gonna do together?
Go to IKEA?
[CROWD CLAMORING]
- [MARTIN LAUGHS]
- Oh, man!
Do we have any, like,
softer one of these weapons?
I just, I was, I was led to believe that
that this wouldn't hurt in any way.
And like, I-I guess
we're just missing nap time.
How did that rather zaftig
fellow get into the army?
Oh, well, Corporal Papadakis
has many extraordinary talents.
[THUDS]
And hand-on-hand combat
is not one of them.
[SNORING]
But at least he's getting his nap time.
Fight!
Fifty euros if you don't hit me.
- [GRUNTS]
- Fine, a hundred euros.
It's so great having
real soldiers on the base.
You know what I mean?
It's just
I haven't seen one pair
of open toed shoes.
[CHUCKLES] But our guys
are getting pummeled.
Okay, we got ourselves a negotiator.
Fake Louis Vuitton luggage set.
Hm? [GRUNTS] Oh, God.
You have interesting friends.
Well, they have
unconventional skills. Yeah.
What about you?
- Are you interesting?
- Oh, I am uninteresting.
- Good.
- Yeah.
'Cause after debacle with my last aide
smoking something called
Afghani train wreck,
I need somebody totally by the book.
- You got it.
- Oh, wow.
By the book.
[GASPS]
Oh, okay. Fine.
Real Louis Vuitton luggage set,
but that's my final offer.
So was it good for you?
[CHUCKLES] Hey, listen,
all joking aside,
was it true what you said
about that private's mom?
Oh, he sure cried like it was true.
[CHUCKLES] He did.
I sure got hit in the head a lot.
Yeah. But you always got
right back up.
I sure got hit in the head a lot.
- Is he gonna be okay, you think?
- I don't know.
General Martin said
we can't go to the medic
unless we wanna be diagnosed as weak.
Your dad with General Martin
equals disaster.
Okay. Lo-look,
it's only for a few more days,
so I don't know,
try to make friends tonight.
Don't have sex with them.
Or do. I don't know.
I'm not your mom.
What?
So, uh, do you guys do that
stick fighty thing every day?
No. Sundays, it's paintball.
General Martin designed her own guns.
They are very powerful.
Looks like it.
We have got to get our hands
on those paintball guns.
I sure got hit in the head a lot.
[MEN GRUNTING]
[UPBEAT MUSIC]
[PEN CLATTERS]
[CHUCKLES]
[DANA] We need to steal
those paintball guns
before tomorrow.
'Cause unless General Martin
made those paintball guns shoot mimosas,
I am not letting that demon
ruin my Sunday too.
Because General Martin's idea
of fun is torture.
Oh. I didn't find guns, but
I think I might have found
something else.
Great.
All I found are these candy jawbreakers.
Papadakis, that's this not candy.
Those are paintballs.
[GROANS]
[GRUNTS]
- Hey.
- Hey.
- [PATRICK] What's going on?
- Nothing.
I was just, uh, watching
a YouTube compilation
with Martin of, uh,
old people falling down.
[SHAH] Hm.
And when they fall in water,
we drink, pretty drunk.
So, gonna grab some scotch.
Wait, are the old people hurt?
Uh, not the ones who fall in the water.
You know, as long as they can swim,
which a lot of them can't.
Anyways, I realized something.
It's pretty cool, man.
I'm liking having her around.
Yeah?
Turns out, when you like somebody
the way I like her,
and you take that little step,
it could be a good thing.
And I came to that conclusion on my own.
I didn't need therapy like that
family court judge said I did.
- [SHAH CHUCKLES]
- Right?
Yeah, I guess, uh
Sometimes you got to take a risk.
Unless you're an old person
on an escalator.
Yeah, then you just wanna
take the stairs.
- Huh.
- [SHAH] Okay.
- How you doing?
- [SHAH] Thanks for asking.
Yeah, actually, you know, when
you have these things swirling
Yeah, I gotta
- She's waiting on me.
- [SHAH] Oh, yeah, yeah.
Yeah. No, no.
Yeah, yeah.
You gotta get back
to watching old people.
- All right, pal.
- All right, see ya.
- No problem.
- Okay.
If you get bored, you can come over.
I'm not gonna do that.
[INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC]
The key to disciplining soldiers
isn't the yelling.
It's the silence between the yelling.
Huh.
'Cause I just do the opposite.
I just, like, I rant for, like,
you know, a solid block,
like six, seven minutes,
and then I throw something.
Ooh, what's your favorite thing
to throw?
- Like a chair.
- Hmm.
You know, like Bobby Knight style.
You know, everybody,
gets their attention.
This is interesting, though,
comparing notes. I like this.
It's hard to be mean in a vacuum.
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
[KNOCKING ON DOOR]
Who the hell is that?
[KNOCKING ON DOOR]
Who is it? What-what
Hey.
- Where's General Martin?
- [MARTIN] Who is it?
Um
It's, uh, personal friend
seeking guidance over.
I got my girlfriend pregnant,
and she's in love with her best friend,
and they're gonna raise a kid together.
I'll-I'll get it, hon.
[WHISPERING] Listen, I found
blueprints of the base
in General Martin's office.
I also ate paint.
So, what's the big deal?
Maybe-maybe she was gonna
get it framed for me,
like as a gift or something.
These are the exact blueprints that
Gideon was tricked into stealing.
We never found out who was behind that.
- Hm.
- Maybe it was Martin.
There's also plans for
a remodel of the base.
[PAPER RUSTLING]
Yeah, I think I know what's going on.
Totally get what you're saying.
It's women tearing down
women time, isn't it?
Did you guys learn nothing
from that Human Resources video
I had you watch with the animated bears?
'Cause it was all about
that kind of stuff.
Sir, your girlfriend is not
being straight with you.
She's not my girlfriend.
- She is your girlfriend.
- No, she is not.
All right, you know what?
Look at the bright side.
You know, two moms means
less responsibility for you, Papadakis.
You know what? We'll talk
about it more tomorrow.
- Get out.
- I was making that up.
- [GRUNTS]
- I was making that up.
[CLAMORING]
[KNOCKING ON DOOR]
- [EXHALES] Hey.
- Hi.
Okay, wait.
Hey, hey, wait.
- We gotta talk.
- No, no.
Did a lot of talking.
No more talking.
- Okay.
- [DOOR SHUTS]
[CLEARS THROAT]
Hey.
What do you think?
You think we should
remodel the DFAC?
No, I think it's fine.
Yeah, me too.
I mean, the only way a remodel
would make sense is
if you were gonna double
the number of troops.
Then you'd bash out the back wall,
you'd switch out the round tables
for bench seating
and expand the kitchen.
But that's just off the top of my head.
- Right.
- How's the book?
- It's good.
- [MARTIN] Hm.
Just getting to the, uh,
section on Pearl Harbor.
Politics aside, you gotta
respect a surprise attack.
Yeah.
[DAVIDSON] You've got me
in my office on a Sunday.
It better be World War III.
I think if it was World War III, sir,
you'd already be in your bunker.
Is General Martin taking over my base?
What? No.
No, no, no, no, no.
The U.S. Army is giving it away.
You're just giving bases away now?
What are you
That's nuts.
No wonder you've never seen combat.
When the fighting starts, I
guess you just, what, surrender?
NATO has made a massive
weapons deal with the army,
and General Martin wants a, you know,
a training base in the region.
So since Baumholder is a base of value,
I convinced our superiors
to throw in Stroopsdorf.
You know, like free perfume
with purchase.
You know, your whole obsession
with humiliating me
is now reaching
a really creepy fetishy area.
I'm not the one who invited
your girlfriend to move in!
That, you did on your own.
And now she is your boss.
- [SIGHS]
- [DAVIDSON LAUGHS]
Oh, see, I wanted to capture
that exact moment
so that it will pop up on my screensaver
from time to time.
Of course, because you need something
to replace the pictures of all the kids
you never see anymore.
- Oh, well, look who's talking.
- You know what, sir?
I'm not gonna let you
get away with this.
Uh, too late.
The wheels are already turning.
Oh, and if you try to block it,
you will be crushed.
Oh, see, um, your eyes were closed.
So let's try this again.
How does it feel
to be the only American
to lose a battle with Canada?
- [CAMERA CLICKS]
- [LAUGHS]
Oh, see, now, that, that's a keeper.
You know what, sir? This should
give you fair warning.
You might want to get that bunker ready.
I'm about to start World War III.
[INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC]
- [MAGGIE MOANS]
- There it is.
Yeah, that-that's
what we were looking for.
Yeah.
And I think I know why we found it.
- You do?
- Mm-hmm.
Because I took a job
with General Martin.
She called me and offered me a position
as her permanent aide at NATO.
Which, you know, comes with a move,
but also comes with
a promotion to major
which means I'm not
in your chain of command.
- And we can do this.
- Yeah.
- [SHAH EXHALES]
- Yeah.
Wow. I
didn't, uh, realize that when I, uh,
submitted my retirement
paperwork last night.
What?
[CHUCKLES] Yeah, I
I mean, sometimes
you gotta take a risk, right?
I mean
I mean, this is crazy.
Isn't it funny that we like
Gift of the Magi to each other?
That is crazy.
We're so on the same page.
[KISSES]
Actually, we're not.
We're not?
Well, no. [CHUCKLES]
Look, I-I accepted a new job,
like 30 minutes away.
- Uh-huh.
- You quit your job.
You gave up your whole career.
Twenty years of service
for a girl you haven't even
been on a date with.
Uh
You're welcome.
- Okay.
- Okay.
Look, I've failed
at every relationship
that I've ever been in.
- Right?
- Uh-huh.
And you, well [CHUCKLES]
You literally just got a divorce.
Probably should have
talked about this first.
[SHAH] Yeah, we probably
should have, but I mean,
I've been thinking about it,
and I've been thinking about us a lot.
I actually see a future for us, okay?
I see like, the house, the
family, wireless plan, kids.
- Kids?
- [SHAH] Yeah.
Would we talk about that?
Or would you surprise me with some?
I'm not gonna surprise you with kids.
That's not how that works, okay?
I have to go. I do.
I, um, I'm helping General Martin
prep her schedule.
Okay, as soon as I find my bra.
Okay, you don't need to do this, okay?
You don't need to run away.
Don't be like the colonel, okay?
You don't need to avoid
emotional conversations.
We can talk through this.
I am nothing like my dad.
[GRUNTS]
Don't do this.
Don't just walk away.
Let's talk about it.
What do you wanna talk about, huh?
How to fit my Christmas tree
up the chimney, huh?
I'm sorry you found out this way.
I wasn't supposed to say
anything till it was official.
Oh, really? I've told you plenty
of official secrets, okay?
Like the fact that we have
a sound cannon
that makes people projectile vomit.
And that was one of the most
romantic dates of my whole life.
Look, you have worked so hard
making this base a success.
Enjoy the spoils.
NATO taking over can just allow you
to transfer to a better base.
You're right.
Oh my God. I didn't even
think of it that way.
You're doing me a favor.
I should be thanking you.
I'm gonna send you
some "thank you" flowers.
Where should I have Shah send them?
Oh, yeah, right here.
'Cause you live here now!
- It's not personal, Pat.
- Oh, it's very personal.
Okay, you Trojan Horse me
with two of my favorite things.
Sex and human cockfighting.
If you wanted to move in,
you should have just asked.
I'm not your enemy, but I could be.
God, you are already my enemy.
My God!
[SIGHS] You know what?
Just gonna give you a heads up.
I planted an alarm in here.
It's gonna go off very soon.
Loud enough to drive you crazy,
but faint enough that,
when you look for it,
that you won't be able
to locate where it actually is.
[ALARM BEEPING]
Oh, yeah, that's gonna drive me nuts.
Merry Christmas, Grinch.
[PATRICK] Really? This is
All you got is the rosé?
I mean, rosé is more
about, like, quantity.
That's why it comes in a box.
I can't believe Martin thought
she was doing me a favor.
I can't believe Shah thought
he was doing me a favor.
- Crazy.
- It is insane.
To sacrifices everything for our future.
Like they're our saviors or something.
- Yeah.
- It's crazy behavior.
You don't think there's a chance
that we are self-sabotaging Quinn style,
so that we don't get hurt?
- No.
- No. Yeah.
It's not us, honey, it's always them.
It's them. It's them.
That's the way they want us to think.
I'm obviously not gonna
take the job with General Martin
after everything that I
Have you learned nothing
from working with me?
What do you mean?
Career goes before family every time.
So you are taking that job, okay?
Number one, you earned it.
Number two, you deserve it.
Thanks, dad.
Plus, it can't hurt to have
a Quinn on the inside.
Find out what her
next moves are gonna be,
and then, you know, frame her
for selling military secrets.
Wait, what?
You know, see how you feel.
[DRAMATIC MUSIC]
Company, atten-hut!
Our training exercise is on hold.
The paintball gear has been stolen.
Don't worry, I've been
eating the evidence.
Why didn't you just throw it away?
The guns were in my office
and only Stroopsdorf soldiers
had access.
Maybe it's a cat burglar situation.
[MARTIN] Mm. Interesting theory.
So what I'm gonna do is
keep my eyes peeled
for someone very sexy wearing spandex.
[JAN] Well, don't look at me.
The only thing I'm guilty
of stealing is hearts.
I am in charge of this base now,
and I order everyone to be normal!
Yes, ma'am!
We will be normal!
[WHISPERS] Normal.
[DANA EXHALES]