Grimsburg (2024) s02e11 Episode Script

1
Cat Lady loves
playing with string.
Meow!
[Shink, scrape]
[Clang]
Yikes! What a mess!
Time to scoop
the station's litter box.
[Purrs]
So many toys to play with.
It's like catnip!
Gosh. Am I just
IDK
laying on the cat stuff
too thick?
No, Jenna, no! Stop it.
You're the Cat Lady!
It would be weird
if you didn't act like a cat,
though giving myself a tongue
bath was maybe a bit much.
Aah!
[Growling]
Gus is a errrp
dog person.
[Theme song playing]
[Glass breaks]
MARTINEZ: Listen up.
The only thing more embarrassing
than the police station being
a crime scene is how
dirty this evidence locker is,
so we ain't leaving
until it's clean.
FLUTE: Well, let's hurry this up.
It's ladies night at Jinko's,
and you know what that means.
Summers, activate free drink
robot boobs.
[Air hisses]
Hey! My eyes are up here
but also down here.
- My nipples are bodycams.
- Can't make it tonight.
I've got a hot date
with some socks
that need ironing.
Oh, I'd shine them
if that were possible.
- Wynona you coming to ladies night?
- With the things I've done,
I'm not sure
I qualify as a "lady."
[Air escapes]
Robot need love. Come closer.
- SUMMERS: Aah!
- MARTINEZ: We've got to do
something about the fungus monster.
Maybe we should poison it.
Mary Elizabeth Mastrantonio!
Is that what I think it is?
Indeed. Also, hi!
Gather round, my impeccably
diverse group of friends
as I tell you, a one-act tale
of how I helped
Flute discover his crime mind.
Between stints
as a middle school teacher
and criminal mastermind,
I briefly moonlit
as the headmaster of a
training program for the best
of the elite of the crème de la
crmiest of detectives in training.
Welcome to Top Dick!
Which, I cannot stress enough,
is a perfectly acceptable word
for me to use in this context.
The competition is on to see
who amongst you
is the best detective here.
- May the best man
- Or only woman.
PENTOS: Win.
Good luck, Ice Queen,
but I'm winning this.
I come from a long line of men
who have taken Top Dick.
Really, Marverick?
You strike me more as a bottom.
I'd strike your bottom,
but I can't bend down that far.
Hey! That's my partner.
You can't talk
to a woman like that.
Actually, I can because
it's 2003, where this kind
of sexist banter was
allowed and often high-fived.
Up top!
[Music]
PENTOS: Hmm.
[Gunshots]
Hyah!
PENTOS: Ha ha ha!
By the power vested in me
[Cadet playing "Taps" on bugle]
by the state of wherever we are,
I will avenge you.
Good night, sweet prince.
Ooh!
Why, Duck, why?
I can only assume it was
because you didn't listen to me.
Had you done so, you certainly
wouldn't be dead, so this is all
- your fault!
- Mmm.
I bet I know the last thing
that this guy saw.
- SINGER: Yeah ♪
- FLUTE: Gah!
This vic is like Nic Cage's
IMDb page.
The further up you look,
the messier things get.
SINGER: Yeah ♪
PENTOS: Ha ha ha! Hee!
PENTOS: [voice-over]
To have any chance of winning,
Flute and his wingman
Goose I mean, Duck
needed to ace
the sexy volleyball competition,
but fate, like my fellow
teachers when I'd suggest
we get fondue, had other plans.
MARTINEZ: Unh!
Hyah!
Duck!
[Gasps]
Talk to me, Duck!
Why didn't you duck
when I said, "Duck," Duck?
Is it because you thought
I was saying your name
when I was actually using
the verb form of the word duck?
Because that would mean
this is all
my fault!
Can I use this one for
the dead partner competition?
[Squeak]
[Music]
You're too late.
I quit and turned in my badge.
A good detective
never lets his partner die.
PENTOS:
Perhaps you didn't let him die.
- Perhaps he was murdered.
- But there was no evidence of murder.
You may very well be top dick,
but how will anyone see it
when you hide
behind evidence and rules
and freshly ironed trousers?
Allow me inside,
and I can help you grow
beyond your wildest dreams
by embracing the chaos
that lies in the deepest,
darkest corners of your mind.
You mean the part
of my brain where I keep
the memory of my best friend
Eli teaching me
how to masturbate on
the safety patrol trip to D.C.?
Um, I want to hear about that,
I do, I really, really do,
- but come with me.
- FLUTE: That's what Eli said.
PENTOS: Enough with Eli!
The best detectives are
able to access something
I call the subconscious clue
detecting neural framework,
- or SCDNF!
- Too many words for me.
What about crime mind?
Yeah, whatever.
Drink this to relax.
Pass. I don't drink alcohol.
Then you'll never be
a great detective
- or accepted socially.
- I guess one drink can't hurt.
PENTOS: You must look
beyond the clues,
preferably
through a pop culture lens.
Volleyball!
Deserted beach!
Find the connection,
and you will find Duck's killer!
WILSON: Please.
You have to help me.
But I need to solve
Duck's murder.
- TOM HANKS: Ho ho! Wilson!
- WILSON: Oh, dear God! It's him.
He wants to put a wig on me
and do unspeakable things!
But he's our generation's
finest actor and "SNL" host.
Yes, but when we're
alone out here,
- he fills me with his poison.
- Eww!
Oh. Poison!
- HANKS: Wilson!
- WILSON: Oh, God. He's coming!
HANKS: Oh! Hey there, friend.
Did you see a little
sex ball rolling around here
about ankle-high, straw hair?
Got a butt you could bounce
a coconut off of!
National treasure Tom Hanks
may have been intimate
with a sports ball?
Hmm. Still makes more sense
than "Cloud Atlas."
PENTOS: Yes! Connect the dots!
Make sense of the senseless!
Poison.
Duck.
Motive.
Murder.
Whiskey.
Neat. Make it a double.
As the winner,
it's an honor to prove
that chicks can also be dicks.
- FLUTE: Not so fast.
- MARTINEZ: Ohh!
Duck wasn't killed
by the impact of the volleyball.
It was the poison your partner
put inside it
to prevent me from taking the prize.
I only did it to protect our lead,
but how did you know?
A weird old man in a
far-too-small small, white towel
taught me that things aren't
always as they scream.
SINGER: Yeah ♪
Whoa, oh, oh!
PENTOS: [voice-over]
Now that I had molded Flute
into my perfect nemesis,
our little game of cat and mouse
was about to dot dot dot begin,
and I knew the perfect
way to celebrate.
Hi. I'm looking for Eli.
Perhaps we shouldn't be
using the fungus monster
as a garbage disposal.
He's getting positively
Muskian in size.
Elon Musk isn't fat.
He just has a Pixar mom's ass.
Hold on. Now this brings
back memories.
Time to tell the tale
of why I first left Grimsburg.
MARTINEZ:
Another story about you?
FLUTE: Are there any other kind?
The year was years ago.
I was crushing it as a detective
with my crime mind,
but I was about to
lose my regular mind.
I had hit the middle-aged trifecta
got married, got a kid,
got divorced.
[Sobbing]
With Harmony and her kid
out of the way,
I could finally focus
on my one true love,
hiding from my problems in work.
[Siren wails]
Got them!
That's 50 busts this week.
What do you need me
to solve next, Kang?
Well, unless you want to start
murdering people
and lying to yourself about it,
there are no more cases.
- You solved them all.
- What?
There has to be more.
Crime never stops
just like sharks
and e-mails from Costco.
Maybe try solving what's going
on with you, Flute.
Spend time with your son
or sunbathing or bathing.
Anything regarding hygiene
really.
FLUTE: [voice-over] No problem
taking a break from crime,
but I wouldn't let one
pass me by if I saw it.
Hey. We don't take too kindly
to drifters in this town.
If I were you,
I'd turn around, Tom Petty.
Wait. Tom Petty?
I'm a huge fan.
I lost my virginity to
your music and my car keys.
I think you're confused, officer.
Then why did you look up
when I said your name?
Because I thought you
said Tim Patty,
which is my very real name.
Uh-huh. And what's
in your bag, Tim?
This? This is just some
guitar-shaped groceries.
Now if you'll excuse me
Look. I've had
a real rough go of it lately,
and your music saved me before.
Maybe you've got
a song that could help,
preferably a classic and not
a new one I can't hum along to.
I'm not who you think I am.
Then let's go down
to the station and let
your fingerprints prove it.
You do that,
and you're drawing first blood.
That's a war you don't want.
Why's that? Because you
won't back down.
No, I won't back down.
- So you'll stand your ground?
- I won't be turned around.
Yeah, baby ♪
- What?
- What?
Unh! Book this man on two counts
of telling me he's not Tom Petty.
- I'm not.
- Make it 3 counts.
That's not a punishable offense.
Flute, you can't keep hiding
in your work like
a woman in a Hallmark movie.
- It's not him.
- How do you know?
Because he passed away
two weeks ago.
What?! But that's impossible.
He's right
there.
KANG: You're making a case
where there's not one. Let it go.
When my wife told me
it was over, I didn't fight it.
When you told me to take some
time off, I did as told,
and when my doctor told
me he was actually
my accountant, I accepted it
and put my clothes back on,
but I'm done letting things go.
Tom Petty is alive, and I
won't stop until I prove it.
Cue montage!
[Sirens wail]
[Tires squeal]
[Twang]
Aah! Aah!
[Twang]
Oof!
[Feedback]
Unh!
[Gasps]
[Grunting]
Damn you, Tom Petty!
Damn you and your torpedoes!
Petty may have gone
absolutely goblin mode on us,
but he's about to break.
I can feel it.
PENTOS: You don't know
how it feels.
If that's who you say he is,
then you're dealing
with a first ballot
Rock and Roll Hall of Famer.
Those words are nothing to
a man who spent
half his life on a tour bus.
- You can't save him.
- Oh, oh, oh!
I didn't come here
to rescue him from you.
I came here to rescue you
from Tom Petty.
He's from Florida.
As much as I'd love to see you
die, I don't mess with Florida.
He's coming for revenge.
Try not to bleed out in my office.
[Picking notes]
Before you kill me,
can you tell me one thing?
Am I playing this right?
[Playing "Runnin' Down a Dream"]
Ugh! Just give me that.
Yer so bad.
Have you ever changed
these strings?
- Just admit who you are.
- Why do you care?
Because I need to know.
Seems like the guy who wrote
the song "I Need to Know"
should know that.
And what if I am
who you think I am?
- How does that help anything?
- Because if you're still alive,
that means anything
can come back anything.
You're runnin' down a dream,
one that never will come to you.
So you're working on a mystery,
all these mysteries
going wherever they lead,
- but at the end of the day
- I'm runnin' down a dream.
You're right. I don't know
what I'm doing lately.
You got any other
songs it might help?
"Time To Move On,"
"Into the Great Wide Open."
"Learning to Fly"
is always an option.
I think I'll just
go with "Breakdown."
- What are you gonna do now?
- While I was blowing
everything up, it seems like
this is a pretty nice town.
You should stay here, Tom Pet
Tim Patty.
You belong among the fireflowers.
And sorry about those, by the way.
Bad batch of fertilizer, I think.
Oh, I belong
among the fireflowers ♪
Flute moved on to a motel with no TV ♪
[Man screaming]
TIM: And I'm sorry about
blowing up those officers ♪
But they were trying to kill me ♪
Enjoy your stay Harmony Flute.
MARTINEZ: I can't believe
someone found a way
to murder somebody with an Aerobie.
That's the eighties for you!
GUS: Mmm! Microplastics.
Wait. I found something that
reminds me of a story, too.
- Is it a story about me?
- It's actually about me.
Then let's keep looking.
WYNONA:
Oh, I love merry-go-rounds.
Me, too, except for this one
time I basically died on one.
Flashback mode, activate.
It was a beautiful day
at the park.
Definitely not the kind
of day you'd expect
a massive explosion.
[Dramatic music playing]
[Calliope playing]
[Dramatic music playing]
Agh!
[Grunting]
Unh! Oh, oh, oh, oh!
That was fun,
but I've got to split
- you into a bunch of pieces!
- Aah!
[Beeping, people screaming]
- Will he make it?
- Mmm. Doubtful,
but there is
an experimental new procedure
that's astronomically expensive
and has almost
- zero chance of success.
- Do it.
We could only save
the top half of his head.
He'll need a digital mouth.
Um, guys. We forgot to
put back his penis.
[Heart monitor beeping]
We could just stick it
under his armpit.
Do it.
- How do you feel, Riddick?
- SUMMERS: I feel great!
More roboty than I remember,
that's for sure.
- Oh, and who's Riddick?
- Detective Riddick. That's you,
the most badass man
on the force,
that we've rebuilt to be
a cyborg super cop.
SUMMERS:
Me? But my name's Greg Summers.
I work at the merry-go-round.
[Calliope playing]
Wow! I wish my life was
as exciting as his.
Every day, I do the same thing.
It's a little robotic.
Aw, crap.
You saved the wrong
half of a head!
What did you do with Riddick's?
I followed protocol and threw it
in the half-head disposal.
- SUMMERS: So now what?
- KANG: Ideally, we'd train you
on how to use the
hundreds of technologically
advanced weapons you have
installed, but we got a tip
on the location of the man
responsible for blowing you up,
so we have to move now.
Don't worry.
There's a how-to video.
Hi. I'm Mario Lopez.
I say yes to hosting everything
because I literally
don't know the word no.
Now then, will learning
how to use
your new cyborg body be easy?
Let's get started.
Who wants to learn how
to shoot their laser gun?
Ooh! I do.
You know who else wanted to?
Ana de Armas as she
prepared for her role
in the sci-fi flick
"Laser Academy."
Hot off her rumored on-set
romance with
KANG: Word is their grand plan
is even more evil than we thought.
They want to bring back
unassigned seating
in movie theaters,
which is why we need you
to capture them alive.
Did you understand everything
Mario Lopez told you?
I think so,
but he did spend the bulk
of the video dishing celeb hot goss.
- Good enough.
- Oof!
I don't want to hurt you guys!
Non-lethal flashbangs, activate.
Sorry!
Soft net launcher, activate!
Sorry!
MAN: Aah!
SUMMERS: I got to try
something more mundane
that won't hurt anyone.
Espresso machine, activate!
Phew!
- Aah!
- Sorry, sorry, sorry.
Please surrender peacefully!
I can't see
another person's insides.
Ain't you the guy
from the merry-go-round?
Huh. I thought I blew you up
just like I plan on blowing up
the widespread practice
of picking your own
movie theater seats.
Soon I'll be able to get
there early,
spread my crap out across
5 different seats,
and say I'm saving them
for friends
when, in fact, I just like having
empty seats on either side of me!
SUMMERS: You're a disgrace
to moviegoing
like those people
who stand up to salute
the Nicole Kidman AMC ad.
Flamethrower, activate!
Oh, thank God.
I didn't
MAN: Aah!
Aagh!
SUMMERS: kill you. Aww.
I killed every terrorist.
Either Mario Lopez is terrible
at explaining
advanced robotic weaponry,
or maybe I'm just not
cut out for this job.
- Ooh!
- Ooh!
[Chime]
Oh, hi. My name's Summers.
I'm Wynona.
I work at the morgue.
SUMMERS: What a coincidence.
I recently put
several people in the morgue.
VINTON: What are you doing?
The half-head disposal
is for half-heads only.
You just put a whole head in!
Everybody down!
It's gonna blow!
Force field, activate!
[Wynona gasps]
- SUMMERS: Ohh!
- You saved my life.
How can I ever repay you?
Oh. [Chuckles]
You don't have to.
OK. Bye.
KANG: Let's go scrap you for parts.
No. This made me realize that
I may be built to kill,
but I'm born to protect.
Instead of sitting watching
the world go round,
I just did something that felt good
in my heart and my armpit.
Then let's find you a partner,
someone dark enough
to keep your brightness
from blinding people.
Kang, you're gonna
wanna see this.
Thanks,
Sergeant Yorgonawanaseedis.
"Dear detective people"
FLUTE: It's been a few years,
but I wanted to let you
know I'm doing great.
Please continue not trying to
find me since I'm doing great,
as evidenced by the number
of times I've told you
I'm doing great in this letter.
Yours greatly,
Former Detective Flute.
P.S. Please ignore
the tear stains on this letter.
They are tears of manly confidence.
Again, doing great.
KANG: Well, the stationary's
from the Putitt Inn.
Summers, I think I just found you
your borderline, suicidal,
toxic partner.
You had me at borderline.
PENTOS: Wait. So your penis
is under your arm?
I-I think you
misunderstood the story.
No. I believe 'tis you
who has misunderstood
- your own tragic tale.
- Yeah, it was a story about meeting me.
MARTINEZ: All right.
I'm tired of cleaning.
Let's hit happy hour.
WYNONA: But we didn't
really clean much up.
KANG: It's just a construct to
get us to tell stories.
Maybe we'll do it every season.
Of detective work.
Right, Flute?
Flute?
[Flute grunting]
Oh! Ooh! Thanks!
You almost got me, Gus.
GUS: Yeah! Ha ha!
Me almost eat you.
FLUTE: Now, that would have
been a good story.
[Laughter]
PENTOS: Shotgun.
Well, we missed happy hour.
Time for regular old sad hour.
But I got to learn more
about you, partner.
- Nothing sad about that.
- Then you weren't really listening.
We never really
discussed the giant fungus.
- What was his story?
- Or hers.
[Others groan]
KANG: Not our problem.
I found him a new job, and I
think he's gonna like it.
The end!