Maron (2013) s02e11 Episode Script

Marc: I did a bad thing.
I didn't mean to.
Who does? But I did it, and it was bad.
[Slurps.]
I'm not copping a plea.
I was a man obsessed.
I was knocking back triple espressos over ice like water.
I needed something.
And I told myself what I needed was a 30-year-old blasters album.
I walked into what I thought was a record store.
Turns out, I walked into hell, only with a better soundtrack.
[Rock music plays.]
God, I love this.
My girlfriend would never let me listen to music.
Well, she'd let me, but she was always watching TV so I couldn't hear it.
I mean, I could have used headphones, but -- but, you know, they make me feel lonely.
# Crazy about a north side girl # Wow, man.
I think I want these speakers to adopt me.
[Chuckles.]
It's not the speakers, man.
It's the amp.
Serious about music, get yourself a tube amp.
Tube amp? [Sighs.]
Yeah, you know, it's a deeper sound.
You hear the shit the way it was meant to be heard before everything got digitally neutered.
Really? So you can hear the pain better? No, there's a warmth to it.
Oh, good.
Warm pain.
So, I've got to get one of these.
Mm, no, this one's not that good.
I'm actually saving up for a 1965 mcintosh.
It's like 4 grand.
Yeah.
I can do that.
I'm gonna do that.
Yeah.
Yeah, I'm into vinyl, man.
I'm like the vinyl guy.
I'm thinking about having a vinyl mid-life crisis.
So, I get the amp.
Think about it.
I can't wrap it around a tree.
I can't get in trouble for sticking my dick in it, right? No.
I can afford it.
That's a pretty good checklist for a mid-life thing, isn't it? All right.
Hey, let's do this.
What do you say? Please.
Okay.
[Chuckles.]
What is that? No, no, just the vinyl guy's getting depeche mode.
It's just kind of funny.
What do you mean? I-I -- okay, so I was a little confused back in the day.
I'm secure enough to revisit.
What's the problem? No, I just -- I wasn't sure if it was for you or a present for someGirl.
But how about that one? That's the Ian dury and the blockheads, badass punk with scoliosis, right? Wasn't scoliosis.
It was polio.
And the blockheads weren't punk.
Hey, do you know about that, uh, that blasters record that they recorded in Bakersfield in 1985? I talked to my buddy Dave Alvin And he told me there's only a few hundred of those around because there was a -- some sort of freak kitchenette fire at the factory and all the masters were destroyed.
Do you have that album? 'Cause I'd like to find that album.
No, sorry.
Don't have it.
No kidding.
Yeah.
Ah.
Imagine that.
You want to ring that up for me, pal? Yeah, sure.
Also, it was a, uh -- it wasn't a kitchenette fire.
It was a dumpster fire started by the junkie janitor who had nodded off.
And also, I can't charge this to your petco card, ma'am.
Whatever.
I'm gonna buy a tube amp immediately.
Great.
Have fun.
Yeah.
Yeah, I will.
Hope it all works out for you, getting older and then doing this.
Can I get the records? Yeah, yeah.
["The poisoned well" plays.]
Won't fall for it you can't see and you can't tell I just can't drink from the poisoned well Look at those tubes.
They're beautiful.
Is it wrong that I'm sexually attracted to this thing? [Tires screech, crash.]
Shit.
God damn it.
I'm sorry.
I am distracted.
Yeah, I know.
You were texting.
No, not at all.
My mind is in a million different places.
Yeah, well, there's no damages.
I-I'm going through a divorce.
I'mI'm sorry.
Oh.
Oh, okay.
Yeah, no, I've been there.
I get it.
Yeah.
I get it.
It's awful, isn't it? I-I don't even know what to do with myself.
I'm completely erratic.
[Chuckles.]
Yeah.
Definitely.
Well, I -- look, I can't recommend it, but after my divorce, I went through a period of having sex with strangers I met shopping.
How'd that work out? Those built-ins are charming.
What? [Both moaning.]
Nice joist.
Thanks.
I've been working out.
No.
Your ceiling.
I'm a realtor.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah.
Okay.
ILove ThisHardwood.
[Sighs.]
When you decide to sell, let me know.
Highland park is blowing up.
Oh, okay.
I will.
I will do that.
Okay.
Take care.
Cool.
Cool.
Okay.
Uh [Laughs.]
All right.
Okay.
Yeah.
[ Rock music playing.]
This is it? This is the thing? It reminds me -- I have to get new salt and pepper shakers.
What is it? It looks like it should have a -- like a hose attached and do colonics.
What are you talking about? Come on, man.
Doesn't that sound amazing? I don't know.
How much was it? What difference does it make? It's me telling the universe that music is important to me, that original music on original equipment is important to me.
How much? $4,000.
$4,000?! Jesus, dude! I could buy five cars with that.
Okay.
Shh, shh.
Okay, listen.
Sit down.
You know what? Sit down.
Okay.
Sit down for a second.
I don't know how long it's gonna take, but we're just gonna listen, all right? Just gonna sit there.
You're gonna hear it.
I want you to hear it.
Ready? Okay.
Go.
Okay.
I'm ready.
Okay.
# Every time I try # # crazy 'bout a north side gal # What do you think now? I think my iPod nano sounds just as good and I wouldn't have to kill myself if I dropped it.
Shit.
I should have spent the money on sex rehab.
Oh, come on.
Don't tell me.
It was an accident -- literally.
Woman back-ended my car.
She's just gotten divorced.
That's a bad move.
It's not a bad move, all right? It was just sex.
There was no strings attached.
Really? That's what you said about what's-her-name, the chick with the nunchuks? Nunchuks, that was like three years ago.
Lauren, she's a professional person.
She's got a life.
She's got a job.
I don't know why you got to be so negative.
Not every encounter has to turn into some heinous, soul-sucking drama.
Yours always do.
I'm probably never gonna see her again.
I'm probably never gonna leave the house.
Listen to that, right? I got to go.
Have fun with your thing.
Seriously.
This was a perfect move for you.
D-did you just remember you had to run away from me? It's so exciting, I have to go somewhere and process it.
Bye! Thanks for coming, Andy! # Pleasantly saying no to # # bolder and younger gentlemen # Lauren: It's a real charmer, isn't it? And the neighborhood has a great school.
Well, private, not public.
[Chuckles.]
Hey, you.
Hey.
Nice place.
Yeah.
New roof, copper plumbing.
Mm.
Whoa.
Pull my skirt up and bend me over the piano.
[Notes playing, grunting.]
Clint.
Who's Clint? My husband.
I thought you said you were divorced.
Getting divorced, only he doesn't know it yet.
Oh, you're insane! What? How could you mislead me? Look.
Are we gonna argue, or are we gonna keep going? 'Cause it's a little weird bickering with your dick in me.
Your call.
Uh, okay.
Okay, fine.
[Notes playing.]
Oh, God.
Ohh.
Ohh, youLiar.
[Note plays.]
[Both sigh.]
Ohh.
Oh, I can't believe I've known you one day, we're already having hate sex.
I'm done with this.
[Sighs.]
Where's the bathroom? Hey, man.
Uh, I got to thank you.
Yeah, I got myself a tube amp.
Yeah, yeah.
Nice one.
It's a 1965 mcintosh mc240.
Yeah.
Rad.
Yeah, it's about $4,000 worth of rad if you know what I mean.
Mm-hmm.
Yeah, yeah.
I'm sure those wham! Records you're gonna get are gonna sound great.
Y-you ever hear of this guy? Is this guy good? Did he do, like, song parodies, this guy? Does he look familiar? Why does he look angry to you, this guy? What's the matter with you? I'm getting nothing from you today.
Is it my delivery? Look, man.
It's not you.
I screwed up, all right? I had sex with that sociopathic realtor.
No.
Yeah, at an open house.
Was she serving chocolate chip cookies? I love when a house smells like cookies.
No, no, man.
All right.
She said she's divorced, right? Yeah.
So I'm screwing her, and an I.
M.
Comes up on the computer from Clint.
That's kind of hot.
Clint.
Oh.
The not-so-hot part is that he's her husband and they still live together and they're sill married.
I might -- I might be in real trouble, man.
I don't know what Lauren and Clint are in to, what freaky shit they do.
Maybe she gets to blow guys and he gets to take them out into the woods and kill them and then they get to wear my skin and dance.
You have to calm down.
Just relax.
Whatever happened to the original plan of you buying your record and staying in your house? I know.
I know.
I know.
Ooh, ooh, big star.
I like big star.
Ah, see? Stick with music.
It's nice.
Yeah.
Right, right.
Calms you down.
Hey, man.
Do you like big star? You don't like big star? No, I just don't like some old guys coming into the store and trying to relive some past they never had because of their boring lives.
Oh, really? Are you saying I don't have a life? I just nailed a realtor at an open house, and she's psychotic.
Awesome.
Can I go now? I'm bored.
[ Death metal playing.]
[Chuckles.]
Listen to that, right? You can't summon Satan with an mp3.
Waah.
[Doorbell rings.]
[Music stops.]
Hi.
I'm so glad you wanted to see me again.
Oh, Jesus.
Say hello to the girls.
Oh, stop it.
What are you doing here? You e-mailed me.
And it was dirty.
[Purrs.]
You're drunk.
[Laughs.]
Aww.
[Door closes.]
[Sighs.]
What? [Urinating.]
Are you gonna be okay to drive? I mean, when you're -- when you're done? Yeah, I'm good.
Okay.
Well, drive safe.
Okay.
[Tires screech.]
Hey.
I know you.
You're that podcast guy, right? Huh? You do it in your garage? Yeah, that's impressive.
You happy? Oh, yeah, yeah.
I'm thrilled, man.
Especially since I met you, freak.
Hey, you don't need a camera, friend.
You'll be seeing me again.
[Engine revs.]
Friend? And then all new appliances.
White truck.
Who is it? It's following me.
That's my husband, Clint.
[Sighs.]
He set up a fake account and sent me an e-mail pretending to be you, which is why I showed up at your house yesterday.
I'm so sorry.
Well, is he gonna kill me? He's gonna kill me.
No.
Although he hasn't been the same since he was laid off.
Where did he work? L.
A.
P.
D.
Oh, my God.
What happened? Did he shoot somebody? No.
He was let go because his psych eval said he was going to snap.
[Chuckles.]
Um, schools aren't great, but every kid gets an iPad.
Wait.
Stop it for a minute.
Excuse me, fellas.
Look.
I want to live in peace.
I want to live, period.
And I don't think I can do that being stalked by an ex-cop with poor impulse control.
You got to make this right.
And, by the way, uh, there's a dead patch on my lawn.
Is there a problem, officer? You're screwing my wife.
What? No, I'm not.
He's got nice joists, Clint.
The tubes make it warmer.
You can really hear the pain underneath.
Please open your mouth, sir.
Now's the time for depeche mode.
[Gunshot.]
[Sighs.]
Closing time, man.
Hey, can I just hang out for a while? Do you not know what closing means? You want to come hear my new amp? No.
No, I think I'll pass.
I got pink Floyd's first album.
"Piper at the gates of dawn"? Yeah.
On [Speaks indistinctly.]
No, it's an American pressing on tower.
Sounds great through my system, though.
You should really hear it.
[Sighs.]
Fine.
I'll go.
I'll go.
Despite the fact that you're a real weirdo and you're always creeping me out, I will go to your house.
I'll listen to this record.
But no gay shit, okay? And that means no depeche mode.
Okay, man.
Deal.
Okay, deal.
Deal.
It's the perfect album for the perfect amp, man.
It's gonna sound amazing.
Ugh.
That needle's bunk.
You got to get a grado.
A grado? Yeah.
All right.
I'll get it.
Dick.
[Cellphone buzzing.]
Did you fix it? What? What do you mean he's coming over? To my house?! What? Lauren.
Lauren.
Don't hang up.
Hello? Lauren?! Unbelievable.
This is what happens when people lie.
What's going on? [Sighs.]
Oh, nothing.
Just the ex-cop husband of a woman I had sex with is coming over here to kill me -- that's all.
Oh, man.
I got to go.
What do you mean? Don't -- I met her in your parking lot, dude.
You hang out.
You're gonna be my enzo the Baker.
Do you understand? From "the godfather"? You get what I'm saying? I never saw it.
No, listen to me.
We're gonna go out front.
We're gonna act like we're armed, and he's gonna drive away.
No, I just don't want to be Ronald Goldman.
That's not even a movie, dude.
That is exactly it! It's real life, and that's why I'm leaving.
I just -- this is why I don't hang out with guys outside the record store.
Do you even know my name? Uh, um, Dwayne.
Lucky guess.
All right, Dwayne.
You gonna hang out? 'Cause I need help.
No.
What? Come on, man.
Don't be a wuss.
I'm in trouble! [Door slams.]
Shit.
Well, Keyes, this might be my last podcast.
By the time you hear this, I might already be gone.
I'm not saying I didn't deserve it.
I've done some bad shit in my life.
But it just might be I do something good on my way out.
I'm moving to the light.
And for those of you who aren't film geeks, Keyes is a reference to Edward G.
Robinson's character in "Double Indemnity," an insurance investigator that told Fred MacMurray he had a little man in his stomach that warns him every time a case feels hinky.
Well, I wish I had a little man in my stomach instead of two pints of ice cream.
I could use a creepy homunculus that would scream at me every time I met another adorable maniac with a vagina.
Why is coffee and ice cream so goddamn good? Two pleasure delivery systems that eventually ruin you.
Is that just the deal with relationships? They just feel unbelievably amazing, and you're sitting there thinking, "when is this gonna kill me?" Let it be known that I am unarmed.
[Tires screech.]
Get out! Get out! Get out! Not till you stop hitting my car.
Okay.
Okay.
I stopped hitting it.
Now get out.
I don't think I'm gonna get out.
Okay.
Uh, I think I'm gonna go in your house.
Yeah? It's locked.
Oh, shit.
It's not locked.
That's nice.
Yeah.
You expecting company? Huh? L-look.
Look.
It's not what you think, man.
You don't know what I think, okay? I had no idea you two were together, all right? I have -- I have nothing invested in this.
I-I would never put another man in the position I put you in.
I know that.
You do? Yeah.
Okay.
All right.
Well, thanks.
I'm, uh, I'm glad you understand.
So, we're good? [Sighs.]
God damn it! Jesus Christ! Ow! Ow.
Okay.
Okay, I deserved that.
All right? But -- but just one.
Are you okay with just one? I'm okay with one.
[Sighs.]
Okay.
Am I bleeding? Just get some ice so you don't get a fat lip.
Okay.
All right.
So, uh, you're a cop, huh? Did you ever, uh, did you ever kill anybody? Came close.
If suicide counts.
I was in human resources.
Oh.
What the hell do you have on your face? Frozen berries for smoothies.
She's done this to me like three times now, man.
I don't know what to do.
God! I love her, you know? Yeah, I've been through it, man.
My second wife, I went through this stuff with her.
She fell in love with the guy.
Really? Yeah.
What happened? They got a kid.
Oh, Christ.
It's not gonna work out, hopefully.
You want a smoothie? No.
Guac and chips would be good, though.
All right.
That tube amp is really sweet.
It is, right? $4,000 I paid for this.
And now I'm, like, paranoid.
Like, I think it's good, but how good is it? Are you serious? Is it $4,000 -- what? Are you serious? I know, right? I'm a jerk.
Oh, shut up.
Y-yeah, you're a jerk.
But the tube amp is awesome.
I mean, that's totally worth it.
I-I bet I sounds amazing.
It does, man.
You want to hear something? Hell yeah.
The blasters.
How about the blasters? I love the blasters.
Yeah.
Love them.
Dave Alvin is my guy.
Really? Yeah.
Love it.
'Cause I got a Dave Alvin solo album.
Really? Yep.
I'd love to hear that.
And it's -- it's actually -- there's a song on here that actually fits this sit-situation pretty well, I think.
[ Dave Alvin's "little honey" plays.]
So, uh Can I ask you a serious question? # little honey # Sure.
You'll be honest with me? # Little honey # Okay.
# I ain't lookin' for a fight # Does this sound like $4,000? I mean, tell me the truth.
# I promise I won't get mad # [Crying.]
It sounds really great.
# If you tell me 'bout a boyfriend that you had # # who lied last night? # [Crying.]
# Who made you sad? # [Sniffles.]
# Who left you crying by the side of the road? # # Left you crying to walk home all alone # I'm gonna make some smoothies.
Okay.
[Rock music playing.]