8 Simple Rules (2002) s02e12 Episode Script

1
Hey, man; What's going on?
Getting ripped.
You might want to start with
3 sets of a billion.
I'm tired of being skinny.
Chicks hate skinny guys.
Hey; I'm skinny.
I know.
Dude, chicks love this.
Yeah, well. Ladies my age
aren't allowed to drink.
Right now, I'm the alpha
dog of middle school. Ah.
But next year,
it's the show, man.
- Ok.
High School.
And I want to be, popular;
Something in sports.
I hear 'ya'. I remember my
High School days..
..football, basketball, baseball.
- You?
Yeah; I went to
all the games.
But where I became a legend..
..and I mean 'Legend',
was being funny, pulling pranks.
Dude, one time I stole
a school mascot.
What kind of animal was it?
It was an alligator.
No. It wasn't.
It was a bobcat.
No. It wasn't.
It was a duck.
It's amazing you weren't
nibbled to death.
Well..
It did cost me a fingertip
and 25 cts in cracked corn.
But, you know what
I became known as?
The guy who stole the duck?
'Ya' heard of me!
You know, it's freezing
out in my van.
The heater only works if
people stop unplugging it.
Was it you?
Grandpa?
Grandpappy?
G. Diddy?
C.J., Could you come a little
closer? This is my bad ear.
I said I can't believe, gran-
Dad! What did we say about
hitting, C.J. with your cane?
Not to do it.
It's because of him, I'm
using the damn cane.
Tripping over his damn extension
cord, bruising my hip.
Now, I can't stand up, I can't
walk, I can't -Okay, now, dad.
Let's be positive. There must
be somethig you can do.
I can plot my revenge.
I said I was sorry,
okay? But what
are you going to
do about it, anyway?
Now, C.J.
What did we say about
taunting grandpa?
Uff Not to do it.
What in God's name?
Oh; That's Luke's motorcyle.
He's just dropping Bridget off.
She better be wearing a helmet.
Bridget; How many times
have I told you!
Not to ride on the back of a
motorcycle without a helmet?
I didn't! Why don't you
ever believe me?
There's a bug in your teeth.
And a cricket in your hair.
Okay! You caught
me; I'm sorry. I
just didn't want
to get helmet hair.
Helmet free hair isn't exactly
working for you, either.
Besides, honey, it's illegal; And
stupid and dangerous, and then-
And without leather pants?
I mean, come on, Paris;
I know guys dig the
biker chick look,
but you're so wannabe
without the leathers.
And the helmet thing is wrong.
Bridget; Go to your room.
That's it? That's what
you're going to do?
That girl needs to be punished.
Dad, I have to pick my battles.
If I grounded her for everything
she'd never leave the house.
So, what are you
grounded for, grandpa?
That is really funny.
Hey, C.J., You want to
see a cane disappear?
Okay; I'm off!
All right; Kerry!
Friday night, out
rocking the suburbs.
I'm going to the library.
Right, the library.
I'm cool. So, where's the rave?
Draw me a map.
I'm going to the library.
Okay, cool; You know what?
I respect that.
Wow! There's a loser.
Straight from 'Loserville'.
Now, look, C.J.,
Kerry is not a loser.
She's my responsible child.
She's just a very
conscientious student..
..who takes her
schoolwork seriously.
Loser.
So it should be clear but
cold through the weekend.
In local news, a
narcotic-sniffing
police drug dog,
in the columbia..
..school district, is missing.
Legend.
- My man.
The golden retriever, who
answers to the name 'Buzzkill'..
..is a prize canine, which cost
the Police Department..
..roughly $30.000 to train
$30.000?
Grand theft; You're on your own.
Hey, mom.
Hi, Bridge.
Uh, Bridget, Are..are
those new pants?
Yes; Aren't they cute?
Yeah How'd you pay for 'em'?
Um, with your credit card;
Don't you remember?
You said Lulu's is having
a sale on towels.
"Please go get some for
the guest bathroom..
..use your own judgment"
So, on the way to the towels,
I saw these leather pants
that were on sale..
..and I remember C.J. saying
you're so 'wannabe'
..without the leathers,
and my judgment said..
You don't want to be a 'wannabe'
and then I thought,
Judgment: You are so right!
That made no sense
but at least you had
the presence of
mind to drag me into it.
All right, Bridget, come here.
Sit down. We have
to have a litle talk.
Um; First you want to talk about
why Buzzkill is in our house?
Because he's old, honey
and he has nowhere to go.
No, no, no. It's the stolen
drug dog from school.
Wh-what is a stolen drug dog
doing in my house?
Mom; I'm really sad because
this society objectifies women.
Oh! No worry.
What was going through
your head?
Stealing a drug dog?
I guess I was just
trying to pull a prank.
I wanted to became a legend.
Well, whoever gave
you the idea that-
Not another step!
Ha, ha, ha, ha! It's a prank!
Yeah, well; You want to
see a really good prank?
Cate; Where's my cane?
No, dad. You two planned
this. Didn't you?
You got together and
you thought, you know..
..mom's life just
isn't hectic enough.
Why don't we work together
to drive her up a wall?
That's what you did!!
- No.
- We haven't done that in years.
-Mom, I'm going to the Doyles'
to tutor Mary Beth..
..on her algebra.
A sit-down; Cool!
All right, Kerry.
Now, look you guys; Why can't
you be more like your sister?
What? Get away!!
What are you!! Get away!!
Kerry; What what's going on?
-What is that?
Kerry; Give that to me.
Is this pot?
-Bet you're happy he
jacked the pooch now.
Answer me, young lady.
Is this yours?
I think I speak for everyone..
..when I say we are so
disappointed right now.
Rory; Go return the dog!
I'll do it tonight.
I can't be seen..
..in broad daylight
with the evidence.
I'll go to jail and wind up some
guy's tasty little sweet thang.
Kerry; I asked you a question.
Is this yours?
Mm, girl, must be trippin'
That's enough,
you two. I'll deal with
you later, after
Kerry. Go upstairs!
Come on, boy!
Good boy!
Yes; It's mine.
Well; Where'd it come from?
My guess, not Amsterdam.
Maybe western Canada, Saskatoon..
British Columbia,
I'm really good at this stuff.
Which is not the point at all.
All right; Go to your room.
- But I'm supposed
to tutor Mary Beth.
Okay, then just go
tutor Mary Beth.
No! Stay.
No, no. Go.
No, no
If you'd like,
I could just hover.
That's it; Show
attitude!; Good call.
All right, Kerry. Just
go tutor Mary Beth..
..and just come back
the minute you're done.
Boy! That's showing her, Cate.
Oh! You forgot to give
her spending money.
I don't know what
happened. I just froze.
Kerry? Marijuana?
It's unbelievable;
I wonder where she
would get such an idea.
Aunt Cate; Come on! You
let me in your home.
You think I'm going to repay you
by giving your daughter weed?
No.
I'd bet my left eye on it.
I haven't touched that
stuff in five years.
- In a row?
- Okay; Two.
You want some advice?
Oh, sure; Between the stolen
drug dog and the leather pants..
..you're batting
a thousand today.
All I'm saying is that when my
parents came down on me hard..
..I went in the
opposite direction.
Obviously; They didn't
come down hard enough.
All right, stop it!
You want, me to come
down hard on her.
You want, me to go easy.
And I would just like..
..to know what's going on
inside my good child.
The 'thief', the 'druggie'
or the 'biker-chick'?
What up, 'Smokey'?
Can't you do better than that?
What up
Pot smoker?
Oh, hey; By the way, I just
want to say: Thank you.
For what?
For getting mom to utter the
words: "I'll deal
with you later".
You know how
long I've been waitng
to hear that? Since, like birth.
Perfect!
What do you think you're doing?
You're not going out.
Mom's pissed at you.
Agh! Not as much as
she's pissed at you..
..wich means, I can do
whatever I want.
-Bridget; Where do you
think you're going?
Oh; Kerry, I need to talk to you.
I'll deal with you later.
- Okay.
So?
So?
Just ground me. Get it over with.
No.
Kerry
When I was your age..
..my mom would punish me..
..and I'd ask her why?
And she'd say: "Because I'm
your mother; That's why".
But I'm not going to do that.
You and I, are going to talk.
Oh, honey;
You've been through
a lot this year.
I just want you to know
that I understand..
..if, if you're acting out..
..because of what happened
to your dad-
God, mom!
I'm so sick of everyone
interpreting every move I make..
..as a reaction to
what happened to dad.
Last week I was at school
and they served..
..this disgusting lasagna,
so I threw it out.
Next thing I know, I'm in
the 'Principal's Office'.
"Kerry; Not eating is no way
of dealing with grief"
I'm like, "It has nothing to do
with grief; Your food sucks!"
You know, in case
no one's noticed,
I'm popular this year.
I have a boyfriend who
loves me. I'm fine!
Okay;
You're fine.
Fair enough.
So, so, sweetie;
Let me ask you this:
Have you lost your mind?
Kerry, this is marijuana.
It's illegal, in case
you didn't know.
Oh, please, mom; Lighten up!
Tell me you didn't try it
when your were my age.
Hmm?
Well;
All right. I, I won't lie.
Yeah; I did.
And it was stupid and
illegal back then, too.
Come on, mom; Everybody
knows, it's not a big deal.
Everybody doesn't work in an
emergency room like I do.
Look, Kerry, I see
kids come in there..
..every day because they
thought it wasn't a big deal.
Where'd you get this, anyway?
Come on.
Come on!!
'The Debate Team'.
A few kids offered me
a joint, and I took it.
'The Debate Team' smokes pot?
At least, in my day, we thought
it would make us cool.
You told me, 'The
Debate Team' is cool!
It is.
It is.
Look, I stuffed it
in my backpack..
..and left it there. I never
tried it. I swear.
You didn't exactly
throw it away, either.
You're grounded. One month.
Whatever.
That 'whatever' just brought
you, another month.
Two months for doing nothing?!
Nothing?! I'm trying to get
through to you, okay?!
You also cannot get your
license until the fall!
I can't get my license?
Why?!
Why? Why?
Because I'm your mother!
That's why!!
Aunt Cate; I got your mail.
And if you're looking
for Kerry Downey Jr,
I saw her climbing
down the rain gutter.
- What?
Should I have stopped her?
Hey!
Hey! Honey.
So, why did we have
to hook up here?
I'm grounded. Had to
sneak out of the house.
You know, I climbed
through a window for you.
- Ah.
You're in trouble? You
never get in trouble.
- What'd you do? Did you get an?
- Ha, ha, ha.
My mom found weed
in my backpack.
She totally freaked out. I'm
grounded for two months.
I can't get my license.
Can you believe that?
Since when did you
start smoking weed?
Well; It's not like I'm part of
the 'Fluffhead Stoner Group'.
I just had some on me.
What's the big deal?
You know, my brother's a
druggie and totally out there.
Well, yeah, but The guy
totally screwed up his life.
It's not like I want
to see somebody
else I care about go
through that again.
Well, I hadn't even decided
if I was going try it or not
I mean, we're still
okay, aren't we?
Look
Let me know what
your decision is
and, then, I'll let
you know mine.
Kyle!
Can you hear me now? Good!!
Can you hear me now? Good!!
C.J.
So
Trouble with the lollipop guild?
How'd you know I was here?
Teenage girl, mall
Not exactly a 'Rubik's Cube'.
Is that your boyfriend?
I'm not sure.
He looks familiar; I think I use
to hang out with his brother.
Look;
'Whitney Houston'; I get why
you took off. All right?
I used to do the same thing
when my parents wigged out on me.
But today, I kind of saw what
happens after the kid leaves..
..and it's, uh, it's kind of
tough on your mom.
She's upset?
Well; It's not like you're
trapped in a well. But, yeah.
Let me take you home.
Yeah, no, officer, no. That's
Oakdale. Yeah, well, thank you.
Oh, well; Look who shows up.
Here we are worried sick,
trying to find Kerry..
..and you're out
..finding Kerry.
Good job!
Aw! It kills you to
say that. Doesn't it?
- Like swallowing fire!
Mom! I'm so sorry.
Aw, Kerry.
I won't ever do it again.
Yeah; You're damn righ you won't.
All right;
We're going to take this thing
and throw it into the fire place.
Whoa, Whoa, Whoa, Whoa, Whoa!!
And give everyone a
contact high? Come on!
You really want to see
grandpa cranking 'Pink Floid'..
..and watching 'The Wizard Of Oz'
with the sound off?
I don't.
We flush it.
Bridget?
Officer?
- Is this your daughter, ma'am?
For now.
Wow! It's like
'Christmas' morning.
I had to cite your
daughter for riding on..
..the back of a motorcycle
without a helmet.
Aghhh..
- It wasn't me.
You are in big trouble.
What?! I thought
you were dealing
with me later
because of Kerry and..
..and her 'friends',
'Mary-Juan-and-Ana'
Nice try!
Look, officer; I'm sorry.
My family is generally..
..very respectful of the law.
Hey! Come back, Bu-Buddy.
This is 'Buzzkill! Our drug dog.
How did he get here?
It was all him!
'cause there's a
reward for finding him.
It was all me, Sir.
Good puppy! Ha, ha!
He smells my dog, I bet!
He's fun. Get him off me!!
Okay, come on, Buzzkill, come on.
Good Puppy. He's a nice dog.
Sir; May I ask what
you're doing with this?
That? .. Yeah .. Sure.
That's a, um
that's 'cause, uh
Well, it looks like it's time for
my glaucoma medication.
Thank you, grandson.
- There you go.
Now I have to make
a Court appearance.
Why didn't anyone tell me..
..that glaucoma medicine
is illegal in Michigan?
Well, dad; Look
in the bright side.
You could carpool to The
Courthouse, with Bridget.
Oh! And you might as well
bring Rory, too.
He could pick up his reward.
Gee! And you thought all
this behavior was C.J.'s fault.
Guilty.
And, uh, you thought
they were reacting to..well..
..you know, what happened.
Ah.. And turns
out they were just
being typical
rebellious teenagers.
Which means
- You're screwed!!
What is it, Cate?
I just, uh..
I just don't know
if I can do this.
You know, the kids are all
reaching complicated ages.
And I'm a single mom.
I don't want to be one.
You're a great mother.
And a great parent.
It's hard, dad.
I'm just afraid I can't
do it all alone.
Oh, Baby girl,
You're not alone.
Finally!!
OOo