Grimsburg (2024) s02e12 Episode Script

1
[Mouse squeaks]
FLIP FLOP FELON: These
flip-flops were a bad choice.
FLUTE: I know you're a nut,
but did you ever consider Crocs?
Less slappy, more comfortable,
and they make you feel
like a sassy, overworked nurse.
[People gasp]
According to the greatest
margarita-based songwriter
of our generation R.I.P., JB
if you want to blow out a flip-flop,
all you need is a pop top.
[Tropical music plays]
FLIP FLOP FELON: Aah! Uh!
FLUTE: And that's how I
bust a nut.
[People cheering]
KID: Ha ha ha!
[Cash register rings]
WOMAN: Oh, hon, you look
just like the Flip-Flopper.
WAITER:
Here's your Son of Salmon.
MAN: I asked for the
John Wayne Gravy on the side,
and would it hurt you
to frown a little more?
- WAITER: Aagh!
- WOMAN: Oh, it's so interactive.
I can't believe how real
it looks, right, hon?
John?
[Theme song playing]
[Click]
[Glass cracks]
[Microphone feedback]
KAREN: As head of the Criminals'
Union, I'm here to say
that a heinous crime
is being committed right now,
and I don't mean the work of
the Press Conference Slasher.
MAN: Aagh
KAREN: I'm talking about this
city not sharing in the profits
made off the hard,
dishonest work of our members,
so until they do, we are on strike.
[Cheering]
HARMONY: While crime
tourism rakes in millions,
many felons feel they haven't
received their fair share.
I guess one could say,
crime doesn't pay.
I thought of that.
KESKA: Back when
I first started,
you could make a killing killing,
but now with inflation, I can't
even afford a kill room anymore.
I had to get a roommate.
- Hwuh!
- Uh!
DILQUEZ: I will not allow these
criminals to hold this town
hostage until they begin
holding people hostage again,
and to prove it,
I will be furloughing
the entire police department.
If you have an emergency,
call your mama.
WYNONA: Wait a sec. So does
this mean we're out of a job?
MARTINEZ: Nah.
We still have our jobs.
They're just on pause, like
your mail when you go out of town
or a Sydney Sweeney movie
being watched
by one of my teenage boys.
SUMMERS: Technically,
I'm considered equipment,
so I'm being reassigned.
I'm replacing a toll booth
that's out of order.
FLUTE: Don't worry.
All criminals are idiots.
That's why they always go for
one last score and get caught.
Mark my words, the strike
will be over before it even
[People shouting]
FLUTE: Why won't it stop?
Make it end.
KANG: Flute, it's only been 3 days.
How did you
grow a beard that full?
FLUTE: I started
injecting testosterone.
What else am I supposed to do
now that these idiots
stole my job? Agh!
[Slam]
KANG: You know, treating
criminals like they're beneath us
is what started all this.
Everybody deserves some respect.
FLUTE: Respect crooks?
For what?
Anyone can break the law,
and there's a cell full of
babies downstairs to prove it.
- KANG: That's the precinct's daycare.
- FLUTE: Right.
Well, I'm still
never gonna respect them,
and you can disregard my
request for tinier handcuffs.
PENTOS: Good day,
fellow horrible people.
Where do you want me?
KAREN: How about inside
with all your detective buddies?
Seems like lately,
you've helped solve more crimes
than you've committed,
so we revoked your membership.
PENTOS: Now hold on!
I only do that because
of my court-appointed jewelry.
KAREN: Yeah, and not a scratch on it.
Why haven't you tried to pry it off?
Too scared of what
you'd be without it?
PENTOS: If I wanted this off,
it would be.
KAREN: Fine. Get it off
by the end of the month,
- and you are back in the union.
- PENTOS: It's a bet.
Get ready because
you're about to learn
how to lose an ankle monitor
in a week and a half.
KAREN: Should we
just say 10 days?
PENTOS: Yep, yep, how to lose
an ankle monitor in 10 days.
That's far superior.
WYNONA: So now that you legally
can't tell me what to do,
what are we doing?
Let's do something stupid.
MARTINEZ: No, thanks.
I've had plenty of fun in my life.
- WYNONA: Being fun size doesn't count.
- MARTINEZ: Ha ha. Real funny.
I'm laughing, but I'm not,
even though I just said I am.
Let me ask you this.
Have you ever heard of Chamoy?
WYNONA: The savory sauce
in Mexican cuisine made
from pickled fruit
or the wildly erratic pop star?
Before there was Chamoy
the superstar,
there was Tajin and Chamoy.
[Wynona gasps]
MARTINEZ: We were basically
Salt-N-Pepa but Latino,
and instead of singing about sex,
we vocalized virginity.
[Hip-hop music playing]
TAJIN:
Body's screaming, "Yes" ♪
But our promise says, "No" ♪
Heat is rising fast,
but we're taking it slow ♪
CHAMOY: Even if we won't
go all the way ♪
We can still have ♪
BOTH: Everything but sex ♪
But sex ♪
WYNONA: This is insane.
What happened?
MARTINEZ: I got knocked up, not a
good look for a pro-virginity band.
Her dad was our manager
and forced me to make a choice
take care of the problem or quit,
so I quit.
WYNONA: This is the fun
I'm talking about.
- Let's go hang with Chamoy.
- MARTINEZ: I haven't really kept in touch.
It breaks my heart when I see
those stories about her
the rehab rumors,
dancing with chainsaws,
drinking water out of a hamster bottle.
I can't help but feel responsible.
- Clearly, she's jealous of my life.
- WYNONA: Uh, OK
The millionaire superstar
who has her own clothing line
is jealous of you, who has
a clothesline in her office?
MARTINEZ: It's not about money.
I have 5 kids. She has none.
WYNONA: Uh, I don't have any kids.
MARTINEZ: And look how sad
your life is. Stay strong.
WYNONA: I think the reason
you don't want to see Chamoy
is because you're scared
you made a mistake.
MARTINEZ: Fine.
I'll call her, and we'll go,
but when you realize I came out
on top, I want an apology.
Sorry. One of my boys
cracked the screen,
and the other tried to fix it
with wood glue.
[Jazz piano music playing]
[Beep beep beep]
PENTOS: Oh uh
[Sighs]
- FLUTE: Hey, glad you're here. Can you
- PENTOS: Let me guess.
You have a problem
I need to help with.
You do realize this is
a very one-sided relationship.
FLUTE: How many sides is
a relationship supposed to have?
PENTOS: Two,
three if you're Taika Waititi.
I have problems, too, you know.
I'm about to lose the bet, my
scoliosis is acting up on me, and
[Sighs]
Fine. What's your problem?
FLUTE: I need this strike to end.
Without a job,
my life has no meaning.
I have no excuse not to see Stan,
and I'm this close to joining
a pickleball league.
PENTOS: Ah, so easy.
Pretend you are a criminal.
Commit a few crimes.
While the cons scramble
to find out who is scabbing,
they will inevitably
turn on one another,
breaking their unity
and thus ending the strike.
FLUTE: But I don't know the first
thing about being a criminal.
[Beeping]
PENTOS: Perhaps you could
learn the keys to being one
if you had the right teacher
to unlock it,
someone with a keen
criminal mind,
someone who has
outwitted the police,
the FBI,
and the Columbia House CD club,
someone who could teach you
the lost art of pretending
you are helping someone else
when, in fact,
you are secretly serving
your own sinister goals me.
FLUTE: Yeah, you.
Couldn't you be my teacher?
PENTOS: Me?
Never thought of it,
but once I do solve your problem,
you must promise to help
solve mine, no matter what.
Do we have a deal?
FLUTE: Good-bye, Detective Flute.
[Glass shatters]
[Lamb baas]
[Whirring]
Kang made me get this
because I kept losing it.
FLUTE: So what's first
home invasion, light arson,
- maybe a carjacking?
- PENTOS: Slow down. I must ease you in.
Go too fast, and you'll
catch the madness.
Solving crimes is one thing,
but committing them is
Wow. Well, actually,
it's just the exact opposite,
but can you do it?
FLUTE: Mail theft?
Come on. That's too easy.
PENTOS: Then why am I not reading
this week's supermarket circular?
I'd love to know
what cut of beef is on sale.
The smart money is on tri-tip.
[Creak]
[Rustling]
FLUTE: I can't do it.
It's illegal.
- I can't steal a kid's birthday card.
- PENTOS: And why not?
Your livelihood
has been taken from you
like Liam Neeson's
daughter in "Taken,"
your identity stripped away
like Liam Neeson's ability
to do any other type
of role after "Taken."
It's time to steal your life back.
I just robbed a child
of their birthday money.
I feel like a box of Pokemon cards.
MAN: Hey! Get out of here.
[Tires screech]
Uh! Uh!
Mailbox pervert!
- FLUTE: It was tri-tip.
- PENTOS: Hee hee! Ha ha! Oh
WYNONA: Still think
she's jealous of you?
MARTINEZ: You kidding?
These water features scream,
"I wasted my fertile years."
CHAMOY: It's really you.
Come in.
WYNONA: Mm-hmm,
insane with jealousy,
CHAMOY:
Tajin, give me a hug, girl.
MARTINEZ: Uh, why
are you in that?
CHAMOY: I was nervous
you were coming,
and Daddy didn't want me
biting my nails.
MARTINEZ: Tino's still your manager.
CHAMOY: Oh, don't be silly.
He's my conservator.
- MARTINEZ: Waah!
- TINO: Don't let the title throw you.
Conservators have gotten
such a bad rap after Britney,
Amanda Bynes, Lindsay Lohan,
Brian Wilson,
Mickey Rooney, Demi Lovato,
"The Blind Side."
I just handle the boring stuff
so my princess can do
whatever she wants.
CHAMOY: Can I go out
with my friends?
TINO: No!
But you can have a sleepover.
It'll be far more fun.
CHAMOY: Yes. Let's have a sleepover.
It will be far more fun.
[Music]
- FLUTE: Where'd you learn that?
- PENTOS: My father.
FLUTE: Huh.
I didn't know you had parents.
PENTOS: You never asked.
Papa was an escape artist
in the circus.
FLUTE: Well, that explains everything.
- PENTOS: What does that mean?
- FLUTE: Nothing.
- PENTOS: Say it.
- FLUTE: Forget it.
PENTOS: Say it.
[Both laughing]
[Alarm blaring]
FLUTE: That's easy.
If I had a time machine, I'd go back
and see "Oppenheimer" first,
then "Barbie."
PENTOS: But you could go anywhere
the Renaissance,
the Roman Empire.
You could meet
the real Oppenheimer.
FLUTE: Honestly, I'd have no
idea who he is. I fell asleep.
That's why I'm going back
to correct the past.
We need more wine.
[Staff whimper]
[Beeping]
[Pop]
[Pentos gasps]
[Static]
[Both laugh]
PENTOS: "To my Bonnie, who was
murdered in this fountain by me.
All wishing pennies donated
to my defense fund."
Aww.
FLUTE: I wished for my job back.
What about you?
PENTOS: It was just about crimes,
not of the heart variety.
[Animals roaring]
FLUTE: We should probably
get out of here
- before that jaguar mauls us.
- PENTOS: Oh! Ahh
WYNONA: Hey, hey, have you
noticed anything weird?
MARTINEZ: I did. Chamoy
hasn't mentioned my kids once.
WYNONA: What? No.
I mean that Tino never
lets her out of his sight.
MARTINEZ: He's probably worried
how jealous she is of me.
I mean, what kind of person
puts up all these gold records
just to hide the fact she doesn't
have a booger wall of fame?
CHAMOY: So what
should we do now?
WYNONA: Let's get out of the house,
just the 3 of us.
- TINO: She can't leave.
- MARTINEZ: Aah!
It's too dangerous
for her out in the world.
WYNONA: But she goes out
all the time to tour.
TINO: Actually, she doesn't.
Her last tour was all hologram.
You'd be shocked at how good
technology has gotten.
MARTINEZ: Aah!
TINO: See? You are shocked.
MARTINEZ: Aah!
TINO: Now she does it all
from the safety of home.
In fact, we're performing
a benefit for the strike tonight,
so this little one needs her energy.
Come on, my dear. Eat.
WYNONA: Just as I expected.
Tino's been drugging her.
He's the reason she's crazy,
not her jealousy of you.
MARTINEZ: Oh.
Well, I may have lost our bet,
but that doesn't mean
I regret my decision.
We're getting you
out of here, right, Martinez?
MARTINEZ: Oh, God, is that
Sam Jackson's first Kangol?
That could have been mine.
Why did I have
a basketball team of kids?
[Flute and Pentos laughing]
PENTOS: Look.
They're talking about us.
HARMONY: and while the scabs
behind these recent crimes
remain unknown, it has weakened
the strikers' unity,
which may be why
the union announced
they've dropped
their major demands,
and the mayor has agreed to
negotiate an end to the strike.
PENTOS: It seems
our little plan worked.
You got what you wanted,
and I suppose now it is my turn.
FLUTE: What if it's not?
PENTOS: But you promised
to help me if I helped you.
FLUTE: No. I mean, what if it's
not what I want anymore?
I did all this to get my life back,
but what if I found
a better life?
PENTOS: What are you
slowly suggesting?
FLUTE: Committing crimes
is way easier than solving them.
I have no boss, and I'm a natural,
like Robert Redford in "The Sting,"
but I can't do it alone.
Now, I know you'd never ask,
but I'm taking off that ankle bracelet,
- and I won't take no for an answer.
- PENTOS: No?
Flute Yes. We'd be a modern day
Thelma and Louise,
but we change the sexes, which
is what makes it so modern.
What do you say?
PENTOS: I say,
maybe wishes do come true
like really come true.
[Click]
Ha ha ha!
FLUTE: Wait.
Didn't you have a problem?
PENTOS: Nope, all solved,
but I do have a new one now
that I should probably get cleaned up.
PENTOS:
My ankle is so much lighter,
I feel as though I can
jump and touch the sky.
Yah! Ugh!
[Crack]
- Right. I still have the scoliosis.
- FLUTE: So what's next?
PENTOS: I say we go
someplace warm.
I've always dreamed
of getting a sunburn.
FLUTE: We're not leaving town.
PENTOS: But once the deal
is signed, every criminal
will be out looking to kill
the scabs who broke the strike.
- That's us.
- FLUTE: You're right.
We need to kill all the criminals.
PENTOS: Oh, God,
there's the madness.
FLUTE: They're all
at City Hall right now.
One well-placed bomb,
and we'll run this town.
They'll never catch us.
PENTOS: You sound like
every other criminal
right before they get caught.
FLUTE: But I'm smarter
than all the other crooks.
- PENTOS: They also say that.
- One last score, then we're free.
PENTOS: Is this a bit?
FLUTE: Maybe Karen
was right about you.
Maybe you are no longer
the mastermind
- your accent makes you appear to be.
- PENTOS: Oh, really?
I tricked you into
taking my ankle bracelet off.
[Flute gasps]
PENTOS: Hold on.
That came out wrong, even though
all the words were correct.
- FLUTE: So was any of this real?
- PENTOS: It was real for me,
but perhaps I was a fool
for thinking you cared.
FLUTE: Maybe I do have the madness
- because I almost believed you.
- PENTOS: Ohh
- WYNONA: It's over, Tino.
- MARTINEZ: We know everything.
TINO: Oh, I'm glad
I can stop this lie now.
It's been hard keeping you both safe.
MARTINEZ: Keep us safe?
[Click]
TINO: After she poisoned
her choreographer,
bludgeoned her makeup team,
and smothered
her social media manager,
the doctors wanted her committed,
but I knew my little girl
was still in there somewhere,
so they put me in charge.
That's how I came up
with the hologram concert
and the cocktail of sedatives to
prevent her from harming others.
- WYNONA: So you've been protecting her?
- TINO: Yes. Of course.
- That's what a conservator does. Why?
- WYNONA: No reason.
Real quick, what would
happen if someone, say
mm, I don't know took those
sedatives away from her?
CHAMOY: I know a fun sleepover game.
Let's braid each other's organs.
[All scream]
[Parking brake clicks]
SUMMERS: Hey there, Dr. Pentos,
little far for you
to be out this way, no?
PENTOS: Flute extended
my range for the day.
SUMMERS: What a great guy, huh?
- Can't wait to see him at the concert.
- PENTOS: The concert?
SUMMERS: Didn't you hear?
Strike's over, and there's a concert
outside the mayor's office
to celebrate.
- Whole town will be there.
- PENTOS: The whole town?
Well, that's too bad.
I'll have to miss it.
Now may I go through?
SUMMERS: Sure thing.
It's 25 cents, please.
[Groans]
"Shoplifted this from the
department store we grafiteed,"
spelled wrong.
"Thought it might be good
for your scoliosis,"
spelled right.
He cares.
This is a two-sided relationship.
[Tires screech]
SUMMERS:
Who cares? Who is it?
Can't believe that guy
has a lover and I don't.
MARTINEZ: Uh!
[Wynona panting]
- TINO: Uh!
- CHAMOY: Heh heh. Heh.
WYNONA: Don't do this.
You'll lose everything.
CHAMOY: I have nothing to lose.
She's the one who has everything
kids, work, a booger wall
and if I can't have your life,
then neither can you.
MARTINEZ: And you said Chamoy
couldn't be jealous of me.
- CHAMOY: What?
- Let's not anger the crazy knife lady.
CHAMOY: I'm not crazy!
[Wynona gasps]
CHAMOY: Uh!
[Beep]
[Grunting]
Ah!
[Beep]
TINO: No, no, please.
I'll let you drink
from the hamster bottle.
CHAMOY: Ha ha ha! Uh!
MARTINEZ: I'm sorry this wasn't
the fun girl time you were hoping for.
WYNONA: No. I'm the one who's
sorry for not listening to you.
MARTINEZ: I'm a mom.
I'm used to it,
and, Tino, I hope
you can forgive me
- for thinking you were a total psycho.
- TINO: It's OK.
This voice does make
everything I say sound evil.
Well, I should let them
know the show is off.
[Upbeat music playing]
[Cheering]
[Beeping]
- PENTOS: Flute, you cannot do this.
- Well, I just did.
In two hours, they're all gonna die,
- so there.
- PENTOS: But it's over.
There are innocent people
out there celebrating,
people you care about.
FLUTE: And how do I know
this isn't another one
of your schemes to trick me?
[Zip]
PENTOS: Karen said I never
tried to take it off
because I was afraid of what
I would have if I was free,
but I know now that's not true.
I was scared
of what I would lose you.
FLUTE: If you're expecting me
to get emotional,
you got the wrong guy.
My lip's quivering from the lack
of potassium in my diet,
but I will admit that crime
isn't as fun without you.
- Maybe this isn't who I am.
- PENTOS: I know it's not.
Now let's get that bomb
turned off quick and go home.
FLUTE: There's plenty of time.
We got 45 minutes.
44, now 43 minutes. Wow.
Time flies when you've
made a surprisingly
genuine connection with a friend, huh?
PENTOS: You fool, you set it
for two minutes, not two hours.
FLUTE: I'm used to defusing
these, not detonating them.
PENTOS: Just flip the kill switch.
- FLUTE: The kill switch?
- PENTOS: Come on.
Any criminal worth his salt
always puts the kill switch
on their master plan.
That way, there's at least
the chance they can be foiled
at the last minute by the detectives.
Otherwise, where's the fun?
FLUTE: Criminals really do that?
Wow, so thoughtful.
This experience has really given me
a newfound respect for you idiots.
Now, I may be a terrible criminal,
but I'm a great detective,
and every great detective
always has one last heroic move.
I just have to become one again,
and I'll think of it.
Since I'm the deviant who set this,
I know my favorite color is blue,
so that's the wire to cut.
PENTOS: Really nailed
the blue thing.
If this doesn't work, I'm sorry
for everything, dear boy.
FLUTE: Me, too, no hashtag.
[Beeping continues]
- PENTOS: I want you.
- FLUTE: What?
[Explosion]
[Hip-hop music playing]
[Cheering]
BOTH: All I want is everything ♪
MARTINEZ: But sex ♪
All I need is everything ♪
WYNONA: But sex ♪
The only thing that feels good ♪
BOTH: Is everything but sex ♪
But sex ♪
SUMMERS: Uh, am I
the only one hearing this?
[Music]
[Whirring]
KANG: Other than that performance,
anything fun happened
while we were furloughed?
WYNONA: Um, no, not really.
Martinez and I got to know
each other a bit better.
KANG: What about you guys?
What did you do?
- FLUTE: Uh, not much. We
- We fell in love
with pickleball, the official
sport of unemployment. Hee hee!
OTIS: Well, since
nobody's gonna ask,
Kang and I had a blast.
We caught a fish!
They're so jealous.