Trollied (2011) s02e12 Episode Script

Valco! Serves you right.
I'm quite nervous.
You won't beat our prices.
Can she stop that now? If you can get it anywhere cheaper, I'll come and cook it myself.
Red hot deals.
We've got offers on everything from booze to biscuits.
Loads of 2-for-1s.
Service with a smile.
We have fresh produce.
Delivered daily.
Don't forget the Valco tick.
That way.
Am I getting paid for this? Valco I wasn't ready.
Weren't you ready? Valco, serves you right.
Valco, serves you right.
How did this get in here? Did you know the starting salary for a fireman is 25 grand? and playing volleyball! Are you still arsed-off because we earn the same amount? Just keeping my options open.
What about this - "Starting salary 28 grand, flexible hours.
" What as? Butcher.
You are a butcher.
Yeah, but not a butcher at Stark's Farm Foods.
Bloody hell, professional environment.
Hey, this is a professional environment.
Oh, I've got a right fuzzy head on.
What's up, Margaret? My granddaughter's doing a list of songs for our golden wedding.
And she wants to know what Alan and mine's song was when we were courting.
Forgot! Tell you what mine'd be, Eye of the Tiger.
Mate, you're single.
And you always will be.
The thing is, I remember the tune.
It's on the tip of my teeth.
Oh, Leighton, help me tidy up this monstrosity.
No.
No, I said I have to be in Warrington today.
Yes! Thank you.
Ah, here she is.
Ah, now, Julie, this is Arnold from HR.
I met you once in the car park.
Oh, right.
Well, hello again.
Arnold is here to assist with the interviews for the new manager.
Yes I am.
Well, fingers crossed we don't get another Lorraine.
There's no-one called Lorraine among the applicants.
Oh, god, I tell you, Head Office they're chewing my tail about these No Nonsense figures.
I mean how the are we supposed to sell that, look at it! Prisoners would turn up their nose at it, Gavin.
We should start the interviews.
Oh right, right, yes well, positively raring to go, aren't we, Arnold? Yes.
Spectacular! Well, open the Colosseum and send in the gladiators! Ay-up.
Hey! Someone had a good night? Nah, I just got a really good grade for my assignment.
Oh cool, well done.
What about you? How's things at home? Bit of a nightmare.
Don't really want to talk about What is that? What's it look like? A manky sausage.
Well, if it looks like a manky sausage, and it smells like a manky sausage, then it's a manky sausage.
Get it off my counter.
Steady on, you'll hurt his feelings.
He's got nowhere to go.
Get rid of it now, Kieran.
Kieran! Tails.
Heads.
That's amazing.
Is it a trick or something? It's silly, isn't it? It's always the opposite of what I guess.
Hey, you should go on telly with that.
Yeah, I did want to apply to that Millionaire programme but my wife said she didn't want to see me on the TV.
Which is fair enough, I suppose.
Oi! Oh come on, you big bollock, come over and say hello.
I'm bored.
Sorry.
Could I have my two pence back, please? Glad you were able to sort through the CVs, Arnold.
That's mine.
Oh, sorry.
I barely have time to iron my trousers these days.
Do you enjoy being area manager? Well, between me, you and the pencil sharpener, life in the overtaking lane is rather stressful.
Not getting a lot of sleep.
I sleep for exactly nine hours.
Lord of the dance! Nine hours would be bliss.
Anyway, thanks for sorting these.
I ran them through a programme to match certain keywords.
The first keyword was manager.
Fascinating.
Well, there's certainly some interesting candidates here.
Oh, look.
Look at that, that's Mike Townsworth from Homebase.
Well, there's a surprise.
So who's first? Neil Barclay.
Ten years at Robinson's Jams.
Right well, cup of tea before we start? Coffee? No.
Oh good idea.
Yes, er, if we fire up any more we'll probably burst into flames.
I'll just bring in Neil.
I bet you get good holiday leave too.
I mean here if you want a holiday you've got to turn up to work in your trunks.
The grass is always greener on other meat counters.
Well, Stark's care about their employees.
Valco treat their staff like shitty bog brushes.
Go on then apply for it.
I can't leave here, can I? Too many people rely on me, Kieran.
Hey, what are you playing at? You're playing at being a wuss.
Time to you put your money where your big fat gob is.
Advert.
Advert butcher.
I'm calling about the advert.
To be a butcher.
Because I am a butcher.
That's right, yes.
I'm work at Valco at the moment.
I'm the king butcher here.
Er, there.
Everywhere.
I mean, the head butcher.
Really? Today? OK, yes, that would be great.
Thank you very much, I'll see you then.
There's no way you just got an interview off the back of that phone call.
Oh no? Turns out they're aware of my work and would like to see me today.
Looks like this cow going to be chomping on some greener grass.
Oi! You Leighton, are your arms made out of lead? You should be finished here.
I'm sorry, Julie, there's been an error.
And I don't want to tell you what.
Oh, for goodness sake, do I constantly have to change your nappy? I'm not wearing a nappy.
Look, just tell me what's happened! Instead of putting the No Nonsense items on the No Nonsense shelf, I put the Treat Yourself items on the No Nonsense shelf.
Well? Just move them.
I can't because customers have bought them.
People have bought Treat Yourself items off the No Nonsense stand? And they took the No Nonsense items at the same time it's crazy.
A spoonful of sugar, Leighton.
Who would buy that? No, what I mean is, a spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down.
Poppins.
Poppins? Look, people are buying No Nonsense because it's cheap.
So to make themselves better they're buying Treat Yourself at the same time.
Understand? Oh Leighton, I think you might have just found the magic formula.
Abracadabra! Really lovely to meet you, Susan, and I hope your sinuses get better soon.
Thank you.
Oh, sorry, I was just looking for something.
An earring! I was looking for an earring! You're not wearing earrings.
So everything going OK? With the interviews? Oh, yes, we're positively racing through the candidates, aren't we, Arnold? Yes we are.
Great.
And none of them are, you know, like Lorraine? No, no.
No Lorraines.
Right, well I'll let you do the do.
Bye.
Oh I don't know about you, Arnold, but by the end of today I'm going to need a really big glass of water.
Hello, Gavin Strong speaking.
Well, yes I've told you I'm in Warrrington.
Well, cos Just to remind customers, there's a 2-for-1 offer on feminine hygiene products in the pharmacy today.
How come we have to have hygiene products but men don't? They're the stinky ones.
Tell me about it.
I went out with a lad once, smelled like he was smuggling Camembert down there.
Hey.
Can you do us a favour? Go on, what do you want? Make an announcement get Katie over here and give her this? What is it? You do not want to know.
You think we've got time to be playing jokes all day? Because we do.
Give it here.
Thanks.
Seriously, don't look inside.
Could Katie please come to customer services, please.
Bloody hell, it smells like that lad I went out with.
Oh don't quick.
Thank you.
Nev, can I ask you a personal question? Of course.
Always happy to share! How many people have you shagged? Oh, good golly.
I'm not sure that's shop floor talk, Lisa.
Yeah, but like, have you ever been going out with someone, but shagged other people at the same time? No, me and the ex-wife were fully committed.
Well, I was.
Yeah, but like what about people before her? No, she was my first, Lisa.
And the last.
It's funny, really.
I used to enjoy full sex.
Could never tell if she did.
Still, let's just say birthdays were a bit of a treat.
Well, not every birthday.
Well, I think we can safely say no to him.
I mean, nice man, but he wasn't even aware of policy 51B! Unless you had any thoughts, Arnold? No thoughts from me, no.
For a moment I thought he was going to blow our minds.
What sort of person do we want? That's a good question, Arnold.
Passion.
And pride.
Somebody who's going to walk through that door and say, "Yes! I want this to be my office! "I want this to be my hole punch!" Pride and passion, Arnold.
We've got Ben Howard from Next.
I'll get him in! It was all the rage in the '60s.
Hmmm, hmm, pum, pum.
Me and Alan used to dance to it.
Married 50 years, eh? Not many couples last that long.
Well, we weren't just a couple for long.
Started our family in the first year.
Oh and Alan went grey.
So you started a family straight away? Well, if it's the right person you just feel it in your fingers.
And the first one was an accident.
Oh, hi, love.
So you're actually thinking of leaving Valco? Impossible.
Nothing's impossible.
The Russians put a dog into space.
If they can do that, I can go for an interview.
You reckon? Cos you look scared.
Scared? Me? What, of going up for a job I can do in my sleep? Nah.
They're the one's who want to be scared.
I'm going to go in there and tear 'em a new one.
You maybe just start by showing them your CV.
This is my CV.
These are my qualifications.
Is there a pop star called Prince? Yeah.
Nah, it's not him.
Oh! Boom.
Want a good time, sailor? Oh I'm having one.
Come on.
Fancy a go in the loading bay? My loading bay? Nah thanks, busy innit.
Are you serious? I'm frothing here.
Frothing! So I said to Alan, "Do you know what the song is?" He shook his head.
I thought, "Well, someone here must know "but they all shook their heads.
" Do, do, do, do do-do.
Do you know what it is? No! Never mind.
Enjoy your paloney.
So, Kieran, are you and Emma thinking of having a little one? Er, not sure.
Just feels a bit early, you know? We're still getting used to the whole marriage thing.
You mean she wants one and you don't.
I'll say one thing - don't do it if you're not ready.
Not fair on the kiddy.
So how green was the other grass? A damn sight fresher than round here.
And they were more than a little impressed with yours truly.
Let me guess, they were so overwhelmed by your superior knowledge they offered you a job there and then.
Yep.
You're kidding? I don't know why you're so surprised.
If there was a hall of fame for butchers I'd be inducted into it time and time again.
You wouldn't leave here.
You always banged on about how you'd defend Valco to the bitter end.
Oh, in the old days, absolutely.
Wild bulls couldn't chase me out of here.
But where's the incentive now, eh? Nobody appreciates me.
Did there used to be a pop star called Captain Parrot? No.
Oh, I'll have to scratch him off my list then.
Cheers.
What's got into you? That lady over there in the purple cardigan is my ex-wife.
I can't let her know I'm working here! Well, she's coming over.
Well, don't let her see me.
She thinks I still run my own business! Sorry, mate, I don't get involved in domestics.
Please! Er, can I help you? And can you see yourself managing this Valco then, Kevin? Oh, yes.
I mean, just walking in through the main doors it's like a different dimension.
And the notice board at the front, that really catches the eye.
Well, it's not all angels and roses.
No you're on your feet a lot.
I hope you've got a good pair of Hush Puppies.
Oh, I have.
I've got the Torino leather slip-ons.
Really? That's what I wear.
Well, amongst others.
Mother of pearl, what a coincidence! Why do you think you're suited to this job? Well, I think I'm at an age where I'd like to put down my roots, really be a constant anchor that never lets Valco sail into troubled waters.
Well, thank you very much for coming in, and well, we'll be in touch.
Ah thank you very much, Gavin.
Nice to meet you too, Arnold.
He seemed like the right person.
What? He was awful.
I don't wish to be cruel but I've seen more personality in that photocopier.
This surprises me.
I wouldn't put any of these candidates in charge of a milk float, let alone a Valco.
Can I make a suggestion? Look, Arnold, we've already had three toilet breaks, you know you were half an hour last time.
What were you up look, I think we just crack on.
I'd like to suggest somebody for manager.
Their CV got 10 out of 10 on my keyword match.
Hard-working, experienced and smart.
It's not Roger Parish, is it? I didn't think he ever got back from Thailand.
No.
But this person would be perfect for the job.
Throwing a party, are you? I'm sorry? All this wine.
Or are you an alkie? Are you trained to talk to your customers like that? Yeah.
It's chit-chat.
The managers insist on it.
Right, I see.
As it happens, I'm having a dinner party.
Just a little celebration.
Ah, nice.
What you celebrating? If you must know, my boyfriend managed to sell a caravan we had cluttering up the driveway.
On eBay, is it? I tried selling my used knickers on eBay once but they closed me account.
Right.
I suppose that would happen.
Yeah.
Boyfriend? So you not married then? No, done that once.
Big mistake.
Er, that's Ј78.
90 then please.
Ah cheers.
There you go.
Well, best of luck selling your underwear.
Yeah, I might car boot it.
See ya.
Thanks Lisa.
I owe you one.
Oh, no biggie.
So that caravan is it yours, is it? Yes.
That's a shame.
I loved that caravan.
Many's the night I slept in there, on the driveway.
Don't worry about it, Nev.
You're better off without her.
Face like a smacked arse.
Yeah.
So they've given you a time limit then? To make up your mind? Oh they said I could take as much time as I need.
That's the difference between Valco and Stark's they're worlds apart.
Oh, don't sound like you'd be able to muck around there much.
Yeah, well butchers shouldn't be mucking around.
It's a deadly serious business.
So who do you reckon would win in a fight between a polar bear and a grizzly bear? Eh? If you had to put money on it? Well, depends on the location obviously.
Are we talking Arctic or woodland? Mmm, bit of both.
Have either of them got cubs? No.
Both bears are single.
Yeah, but are they Oh, hang on, I know what you're doing.
Yeah and it's not going to work.
Just saying, you like to stand around yapping.
They won't let you do that at Stark's.
It's not about yapping, it's about respect.
If Gavin wants me to stay here, he can fight for me.
Well, I hope you don't think we've been chasing you round the Mulberry bush here today, Arnold.
No.
Good, good.
So any plans for the weekend, Arnold? No.
No plans.
Well, I'll see you soon, and thanks once again for all your help.
Oh are you leaving, Arnold? Yes, bye, Julie.
Oh, well, take care.
Maybe I'll see you in another car park some time.
Well, I hope you like good news, Gavin.
Good news is better than no news.
It's the No Nonsense and Treat Yourself stand.
It works! We've sold more units today than we usually do in one week! Spirits alive! That is good news! Well done, Julie.
Head office will be blowing trumpets.
So have you decided then.
On a new manager? Yes.
Yes, today has turned out to be rather an extraordinary day.
So who is it then? Urgh, when's today gonna end? Hey! Game over.
Come on, you like a game of hide the sausage as much as the next girl.
No! What you doing? No, you can't.
Oh, hi, Emma.
We were just playing Sausage and it's gone off and Funny.
Why haven't you been answering your phone? The battery ran out! Oh, for fu Emma, not here, please? Let me just get my coat and You'd demote yourself for us? Well, it's time I put down my roots, be a constant anchor that never lets Valco sail into troubled waters.
Amazing, Gavin! Amazing, Gavin! OK, OK, don't go overboard, we're not in Paris.
It's like you've thrown everybody else over the top rope of a wrestling ring.
And the winner of the match is Gavin! Oh, I feel like hugging you again.
Oh, come here, Julie Cook.
Gavin? Andy, you flipping idiot! I'm just going to come out with it.
I've been offered another job.
It's a great opportunity and, if you're not prepared to match their salary, I think I'm going to take it.
Oh right.
Well, I'm sorry to hear that you want to leave, Andy, but if that's your wish then you go for it.
A change is as good as a rest! Oh I thought you might want to No, no, I fully support your decision.
Oh.
All right.
Well, I'll, er, get off then.
Oh, so much to do, I can't think straight.
Goodness, if I'm staying then we can go back to using drawing pins instead of Blu-Tack.
Yay! How'd it go? What? How did what go? Your big speech to Gavin? Oh, yeah, yeah, he was down on his bended knees begging me to stay.
Ball's in my court now.
Nice one, mate.
Oh, night night, Kieran.
Oh, polar bear.
What? Polar bear would win.
Bigger jaws.
Andy, what about this? Doo, do, do, doo.
Sorry, Margaret.
It's not ringing any bells.
Oh.
That's it, Andy! The Bells! Oh, The Bells of St Clements.
It's Oranges and Lemons! Oh, you are a clever clogs! What would we do without you? Orange and lemons said the bells of St Clements.
I owe you five farthings said the bells of St Trinian's.
Can we please just get out of here? Yeah, all right, Emma! Jesus! Is he like this with you? Because I don't think I can take much more of this.
I'm sorry, Emma, I really don't want to get involved.
Oh, no of course you don't.
You get to have fun with my husband.
I just get the bullshit.
Why are you being like this? I'm not being like anything.
You don't want to buy a house, you don't want to have a baby.
Do you even want to be with me? Great.
Thank you.
Emma Fuck off, Kieran!