8 Simple Rules (2002) s02e13 Episode Script

1
Ehh Look what the Valentine's
day elf brought you.
The bag says 'Car Wash' on it.
It was on the way home;
Aunt Cate;
Be mine.
Car freshener!
Well, you know C.J. Nothing says
'Be mine', like 'Your Car Stinks'
And, Bridget.
A genuine bobblehead doll
of Mr. Wayne Gretzky. Ha, ha, ha!
You're welcome.
And, what did the elf get
for 'Kerry the elf'?
Some water from 'Frannnce'
Sure, they're cowards, but
they do make the best water.
And, Rory, I'm sorry; There's
nothing in the elf bag for you.
Except,
a postcard of two
gorillas drinking beer.
It doesn't sound like much,
but it made me laugh.
Two gorillas drinking
beer, made you-Ha, ha, ha..!!
And for my favorite 'Gampy'
Sea monkeys?
They say pets make
old people live longer.
For every action and
opposite reaction.
When you sit in your chair-
-Anyway, I really like the
high-rise thong..
..but all the seem to make
are the low-riding kind.
- That is so true.
- I just hate that.
You know; I appreciate
your underwear dilemma..
..but I'm trying to listen to
the teacher.
I'm trying to tisten, too.
Anyway, the
low-riding thong drive
me nuts. I can't stand the way-
- Excuse me!
- I'm talking -Nonstop.
Jeremy!, Bridget;
Is there a problem?
No.
- I'm fine.
Science geek.
- Moron.
Okay!; Jeremy and Bridget,
are going to be lab partners.
And Kelly and Jenna,
and Scott and Sharon.
Great, Yay!
You know what? Now we
have to work together.
Just keep your mouth shut
and we'll both get A's.
You know what? Keep your mouth
shut and we'll both get D's.
You know what I mean.
Did you say, you're
getting an "A" in this class?
Yep!
How 'bout English? Getting
an "A" in that, too?
What about English?
No; I asked: Are
you getting an 'A'?
No. It's: "What about english?"
Not: "How about english?"
I mean, maybe if you
spoke english-
And maybe if you spoke..
..Regular.
Okay; Here's the thing.
See, my grades are just
a wee bit lower..
..than they need to be for me
to get into College -Shocker!
Yeahh.
My mom's totally freaking out
about me going to College,
as if my entire
future rides on it!
But, look at me. You know,
I'm gona marry well.
- And often.
- That is so sweet!
So, you know, what I was
thinking is maybe
you could be my lab partner in
'English' and in 'Science'.
Don't you mean your 'Tutor'?
Tutor, lab partner
What's the difference?
About 10 bucks an hour.
Ahh.. Come on! You
get to be with me.
$15
This is just gonna be the most
romantic Valentine's day, ever!
Why's that?
Dylan's gonna pick me up in his
convertible and
'shooower' me with gifts.
I just love Valentine's day!
- It's totally stupid!
- Huuuh?
It's a made-up corporate holiday.
There's so much pressure
to do something big,
but everyone just winds up
doing something mechanical
and rote and with
no feeling at all.
Yeah! And those little
hearts taste like chalk.
I remember in High School,
I needed a duffel bag..
..to carry all the cards I got.
Ah, you don't believe me?
Sure, I may not be much now,
as a result of some hard and,
yes, questionable living.
But back, in High School, I was
buff, young, and
'tan', good-looking.
Yeah! I was: 'The man'.
Oh, yeah? Show us a picture.
Let's see your yearbook.
'The man' was
sick on picture day.
Grandpa; What are you
doing for Valentine's day?
Nothing.
Nothing?
No. That's one
of the great things
about having your
wife leave you.
You don't have to
do a single thing on.
Valentine's day;
Nothing; Nada; Zippo.
Well, if you were
getting 'Gram' something-
Ohh please; You
can't win that one.
Every year you got to top what
you gave the year before.
You give 'em flowers,
you got to give 'em more flowers.
And not he ones
from the yard, no, no..
You got to pay those jacked-up
store prices
for the same damn flowers,
except they have cellophane.
And don't get me
started on candy.
Don't worry; I got the point.
You get 'em a big
box of chocolates..
..and it's like, "Hey! What'd
you get me that for?
It's so fattening".
You get 'em a little bitty
box and it's like.
"Oh! So you think I'm fat."
Now, jewelry is the worst.
You can-Gramps! I got to go.
No, Dylan; You shut up!
No, you shut up!
No, you shut up!
Okay! You shut up!
Okay; Bye.
My new boyfriend; He so, gets me!
Mm-Hmm.
All right.
So; What is Euripides trying to
say about war and
the trojan women?
Why am I getting the impression
that you didn't
even read the play?
Well, I kind of got as far as the
trojan and started to giggle.
All right, Bridget.
You have to listen, okay?
Now, Helen is the face that
launched a thousand ships.
Let me put it in your words;
Um, she was, like, totally hot!
Ohhh..
So, that's why men
went to war for her.
That actually brings up
an interesting point.
Do you think the war
started over a woman? Or,
do you think the
greeks were trying
to get control over a waterway?
Can I use a lifeline?
Mom.
What's the best gift dad
ever got you for Valentine's day?
Well, your dad and I
had this tradition.
He would get me my favorite
bottle of champagne.
An amazing box of chocolate
truffles, and one red rose.
Just one? Dad was cheap?
No.
Well
No.
It's just that we decided,
a long time ago..
..that a small taste of
the best of something..
..was better than a huge amount
of something just so-so.
- That's really romantic.
- Yeah.
And, cheap!
Jeremy, please, don't go!
I need to study!
Bridget, I have my own
studying to do.
I'm not gonna
waste my time with..
..someone who use
her cellphone like..
..it's providing oxygen.
What?!!
Bridget; You know you're not
supposed to have
a guy in your room.
I am trying to get into College.
Did he say he could
get you into College?
So, what are you and Kyle
doing for Valentine's day?
Oh, we're going to the
movies; It's no big deal.
You know, Kerry; This is your
first Valentine's day..
..with a boyfriend instead
of a stuffed animal.
You might want to
lighten up and enjoy it.
It's totally stupid;
It's a day that exists
to point out..
..who has somebody
and who doesn't.
And it makes the people
who don't feel awful.
Oh, Kerry; It's Okay. You're
not one of them anymore.
That is the past, and this
year you'll be getting..
..a Vanlentine's card, that
you didn't mail to yourself.
I never mailed-
And Kyle is going to
wine and dine you and..
..shower you with presents and..
..and the end of the night, you
are gonna feel like a princess.
Well; I guess
feeling like a princess
just once wouldn't totally suck.
It's Dylan! Probably
wants to know what..
..to get me for Valentine's.
Hi Dylan! I like dark chocolate,
anything gummy, and-
What?
What?
Hugh!! Okay! Whatever.
Bye!
I cant't believe this!
He just had to cancel.
- Why?
- Something about appendicitis.
Appendicitis?
That's awful.
Yeah! And on Valentine's day! Why
does everything happen to me?!!
Kerry, I live for Valentine's day
I mean, it's a day set aside
for beautiful girls.
So, you don't think that
unattractive people fall in love?
Oh, Kerry; That's not love.
That's company.
Hi grandpa!
Did you name your
sea monkeys yet?
C.J. Would you come
over here for a minute?
I want to talk to you.
Where's the cane?
Throw it over there.
You know, C.J.
It really hurts my feelings..
..when you make jokes
about me being old.
Really?
Grandpa; I feel terrible.
I think I need to drink
something to feel better.
Or or you could do me
a little favor.
Sure; What do you need?
Well; I want you to
buy me some drugs.
Is this a sting?
No, no. It's medication
for my hip.
Oh; Cool; Right; Okay.
Why don't you get a pen..
..and if you could
write it down on a..
..piece of paper.
'Acetylsalicylic acid'?
- All right; I'm on it.
- Hey, thank you, son.
Ah..a..the thing of it is
it's on back order right now.
And the only place
you can get it is Canada.
What?!!
Dude; I'm not going to Canada
for you on Valentine's day.
I'll never make it back
in time for last call,
and that's when I
get good-looking.
All right, old yeller. I'll go.
- I'll be back as soon as I can.
- Thank you son.
What a tool!
- Hey, honey.
- Hey, mom.
Oh!
Oh, my God; I can't
believe you did this.
-Well I Rory; This
is the sweetest thing..
..anyone has ever done for me.
Honey; Thank you so much.
Thank you, really, from
the bottom of my heart.
Oh, Rory!
Happy Valentine's day, mom!
- Hey, 'Ror'!
- Hey, Missy!
Happy Valentine's day.
Wow this is so cool!
I have to tell you, Kerry, this
is the best Valentine's day ever.
That is so sweet.
So, do you want to
exchange gifts now..
..or, do you want
to wait for later?
Ha!! Good one!
Thanks.
You know, and
to think, last year I
bought your
sister all that stuff.
I mean, I'm saving, like,
so much money.
So, what movie
do you want to see?
There's that lovey-dovey
Sandra Bullock movie.
Yeah! I would have definitely got
stuck seeing that one last year.
But not this year.
I love going out with you.
Yeah; I love going out
with you, too.
"Night Of The Gory Dead Corpses."
One, please.
You know; Al first, I thought
the play was really romantic,
but then, the end is so sad.
It's like Euripides is
saying war is bad.
Wow!
You actually understand the play.
You know, you're not
as dumb as you look.
Thank you.
And you're not
as dull as you look.
Well; Look, at, you
A grammatically correct insult.
- Shut up!
- You shut up!
No! You shut up!
No! You shut up!
Hello, Bridget!; Jeremy.
Hey, Jenna.
Well, I'm gonna
go find our waitress
see what's happening
with our shakes.
Wow.
Don't you two
make a cute couple.
Me and Jeremy?
No, no. You don't think
ww're together, together.
He's my tutor.
Oh, really? What's
he tutoring you in?
..Looove?
We were studying at my house and
wanted to get something to eat.
I'm totally going out with Dylan,
who's got appendicitis.
Yeah; Right, 'Bridg'
He was gonna take
my out anyway, but
I was like, "Dylan,
you can't drive.."
..with your guts hanging out"?
Call, the hospital; He's there.
I'm just teasing.
I promise I won't
tell anyone you're here. Okay?
- Okay.
Happy Valentine's Day!
Well
Our shakes are coming. Something
about the machine being broken.
That two-face liar!
No, I think she
was telling the truth.
The manager's back
there working on it.
So; Where were we?
Oh; That's right. You were
pretending never
to have noticed me.
What?!
Can we just stick to the stuff
that's gonna be on the test?!!
Why? You know the material
backwards and forwards.
You can go back to telling me
to shut up and stuff.
- Okay; Shut up.
- No; You shut up!
Do you have to talk so loud?
What's the big deal?
Oh; I get it.
You do?
Yeah;
Yeah; It's pretty clear.
Well; I got to go.
My girlfriend's waiting, and
marching-band
practice just got out.
I got to go meet her. We're
gonna go shopping for xylophones.
Thank you.
Yeah.
So, if you just want to pay me,
I'll get out of here.
Double.
It's a holiday.
Here; These are for you.
Oh, Rory; This is so sweet.
Aren't these the silk flowers
from the bathroom?
Ah eh
Women.
Rory!
- Wait here one sec.
- Okay.
Oh, honey; About these gifts, you
know, the cider and chololate.
I realized, I made a mistake.
Make sure the get to
their rightful owner.
No, mom. They're for you.
You keep them.
Um, honey; Those silk flowers
from the bathroom,
they are really expensive.
Get 'em back!
Here; Happy Valentine's day.
Oh, Rory; This is so romantic!
Thank you.
- Should I get us two glasses?
- Okay.
Hey!! This is used chocolate.
What?
Yeah! Someone ate,
like half the box.
Isn't a small amount of
something really good
better than a whole lot of
something that's only so-so?
Sounds like a fancy
way of saying 'cheap'
But I let me I'll just
see just see you monday.
I told ya'
Look at the
bouquet that girl has.
It's so gigantic,
she can barely walk.
Yeah; Fool; Probably spent
like 50 bucks on that.
Well, I dont necessarily
think he's a fool.
'Dumb Corporate Holiday'
Flower for the pretty lady?
Nooo Thank you.
God, Kyle!
What's wrong?
What's wrong?
It's Valentine's day!
Everywhere you look, people
are being showered with gifts
and having the best, most
romantic night of their lives,
and you make me buy my
own ticket to a movie
where people in the audience
are literally vomiting.
You said, you hated
Valentine's day.
I know. I do!
Then, stupid Bridget got
me all excited about it.
Never mind; Just take me home.
What?! No, no.
Look; Okay. I wasn't gonna give
you this until after midnight
because then it wouldn't be
Valentine's day anymore
but your own 'special' day.
Well; You look so sad, so
Here.
What is it?
Open it.
Oh, my God!
These are all of our e-mails.
You made our
e-mails into a book?
Yeah.
This is
so incredibly romantic.
And I am such a good writer!
Mom; It was so close. I mean, my
reputation could
have been ruined.
What was I thinking, going out
with Jeremy on Valentine's day?
-Mmm, maybe you just assumed-
-When he said he had to meet
his girlfriend, I think
they believed him.
Oh.
That was really nice of him
to make that up for you.
Yeah! I think he
made it up. I mean..
The guy can't actually have
a girlfriend. Right?
- I mean, can he?
- Hum..
A smart, cute, thoughtful
guy with a bright future
getting a date in
High School? Pshh..
I doubt it.
I think I'm gonna call him and
thank him for what he did.
You're gonna call him?
Well; It was nice!
Don't you think
it was nice? He
taught me so much!
Hum..Sounds to
me like you like him.
Like, like him, like him?
No; No way. Pff.. No.
Hum..hum.. Whatever you say.
No No way!!
Well; Have you called Dylan yet?
Why would I call him? He
ruined my Valentine's day.
Well, honey; He's laid up in the
hospital with appendicitis.
He ain't doing so good right now.
"Well."
What?
"He ain't doing so well."
Hugh.
- Good night, mom.
- Good night, honey.
That was very nice-
It was real nice
what you did tonight.
It was real nice what you did.
Really nice?
Supernice; That was
supernice; What you did.
Hello?
Hello?
Hello..o..o..o..!
Ohh n-!
- Grandpa; Don't answer that.
- Okay.
Hello?!
Hey! It's C.J.
"Acetylsalicylic acid"?
You sent me all the way
to Canada for 'Aspirin'?
C.J.; The pain in my
hip, is still here.
But, now, the 'pain in my ass'
is in Canada!!
OOo