Happy Days (1974) s02e13 Episode Script
Fonzie's Getting Married
1
Sunday, Monday, happy days ♪
Tuesday, Wednesday, happy days ♪
Thursday, Friday, happy days ♪
The weekend comes, my cycle hums ♪
Ready to race to you ♪
These days are ours ♪
Happy and free ♪Oh, happy days ♪
These days are ours ♪
Share them with me ♪Oh, baby ♪
Good-bye, gray sky, hello, blue ♪
There's nothing can hold me when I hold you ♪
It feels so right, it can't be wrong ♪
Rockin' and rollin' all week long ♪
Sunday, Monday, happy days ♪
Tuesday, Wednesday, happy days ♪
Thursday, Friday, happy days ♪
Saturday, what a day ♪
Groovin' all week with you ♪
These days are ours ♪
Share them with me ♪
Oh, happy days ♪
These days are ours ♪
Happy and free ♪Oh, baby ♪
Good-bye, gray sky, hello, blue ♪
There's nothing can hold me when I hold you ♪
It feels so right, it can't be wrong ♪
Rockin' and rollin' all week long ♪
These happy days are yours and mine ♪
These happy days are yours and mine, Happy Days! ♪
Found my thrill ♪
Tonight's Happy Days was filmed before a live audience.
Everybody, everybody quiet.
All right, all right, listen to me a second.
I got big news.
Hey, will you people cool it?
I am trying to talk.
♪♪
All right. Now quiet!
Go ahead, Fonz.
All right now, listen up.
I'm gonna say this one time, one time only.
All right. Now, this Sunday
something very special is going to happen, and, uh,
some of you are gonna be invited.
I bet it's a rumble.
Hey, there's no rumble.
There's a rumble in your head.
This Sunday I, the Fonz
am gettin' married.
Getting married?
I wonder who she is.
You want to go in the bathroom and ask him?
Yeah. All right. Yeah, come on.
On Blueberry Hill ♪
Come on in.
Hey, hey, Fonz, was that for real out there?
You guys hear me turn off the jukebox?
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
Did you hear what was on the jukebox?
Fats Domino. Would I turn off the Fats?
It's for real.
Hey, you don't marry a girl you don't love.
Is it Phyllis with the tattoo?
No tattoos.
No tattoos.
Is it Shirley?
No.
Is it Lorraine? Lorraine, Fonz?
Well, which one is it, Fonz?
Now, you guys don't know her.
Oh Some new talent, huh?
Hey, you watch your mouth. This girl's a lady.
A lady?
Yeah Her name is Maureen.
Maureen. Maureen.
I think I saw her Maureen Hey.
Come here, come here.
You don't understand. I'm gettin' wed.
You don't marry a girl on a wall.
Was your mother on the wall?
No, no, no, no
But we didn't know you cared about these things, Fonz.
Hey, there's a lot you don't know about me.
I'm a man of mystery.
What's that?
This happens to be a list
of the qualifications of a perfect wife.
Can we hear it?
Yeah, I guess you're ready.
Great. Yeah.
All right. One good listener.
Yeah. Yeah. Right, right.
Two, good sense of humor.
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
Three, no mustache.
No No No
Four, and this is a biggie, must be untried.
Oh, right, untried.
Five What's untried?
Dummy.
It means she's never been in court.
It means that she's gotta be pure.
She's gotta be a virgin.
Virgin.
Five, a high school diploma or equivalency.
Six Fonz, don't get mad, but, uh,
how can you be sure about that, w-well the number four?
Yeah. Yeah.
About her being a virgin?
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
She told me.
Six Well, couldn't she have lied?
C'mere.
Virgins don't lie.
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
Six I wanna tell you something, uh, Cunningham,
I'd like to talk to you in here by yourself, huh?
Okay.
You want us to leave, Fonz?
Don't be silly; We're all friends.
Let's go, Pots. Right, Ralph.
Fonz, what's up? You a little nervous, huh?
You want some advice?
It was just a joke.
Let me tell you something, Cunningham
I want you to be my best man.
W-Well that'd be a great honor, Fonz.
I know.
See, Rocky Baruffi
Rocky Baruffi was my first choice,
but he's still in prison.
Hey, I said in here alone!
There's something I forgot to do.
He-He just had 12 malteds.
Keep your hands over your ears.
Okay, Fonz.
Are we finished, Fonz?
No, there's one more thing.
Now, Maureen is a very classy chick.
I'd like to do one classy thing before we get married.
That's nice. Yeah.
I want her to meet your folks.
Meet my folks? Yeah.
See, your parents are, the, uh,
closest thing I got to a family.
They'll make a good impression. They're average.
And besides,
your mother always calls me Arthur.
All right. Well, I'll talk to my folks
and I'll let you know what night.
Thursday. I'll tell them.
Hey!
How did he, uh Uh, maybe with his foot?
I'll get it.
Hi.
It's us.
Right.
After you.
Hey, uh, this is, uh, Richie Cunningham.
This is, uh, Maureen Johnson, my fiancée.
This is his average family.
Very nice to meet you, Maureen. Glad to meet you.
Oh, would you like an average drink?
Oh, oh, uh Maureen don't drink.
Oh, oh does she eat?
That's very good, Mr. C.
Well, dinner is ready. Why don't we just sit down?
All right.
See, uh, Mr. C. Often amuses us
with his wit, you know.
Are you nervous?
Oh, no, not just as long as I'm with you.
Now, Maureen, you and Fonzie can sit on this side.
Oh! All right.
There you go, Maureen.
Mrs. C.
Oh, thank you.
Hey, thanks, Mr. C.
Miss Johnson, haven't we met someplace before?
Oh, no. I don't think so.
Well, you look very familiar to me.
Do you buy much hardware?
I beg your pardon?
Well, I-I-I-I have a hardware store.
Oh, no.
Oh, somehow I just associate you with hardware.
Oh, excuse me, I'll get the salad.
Where are you from, Maureen?
Oh, well, all over the place, but, uh lately Chicago.
Oh, that's a great city.
We hold our annual hardware convention in
Oh
Uh, uh, uh would you just excuse me for a minute?
I gotta go help Marion with something. Don't get up, Fonzie.
You see, Mr. C. Often helps Mrs. C.
Not very often.
And this is your average smart kid.
Marion, you remember the hardware convention
last year in Chicago? No.
What do you mean, "No"?
Because you didn't take me. Oh, right.
Well, you remember me telling you about it, huh?
Yes, and I have already thanked you for not taking me.
Yeah, well, there's one thing I'm sorry you missed.
Your speech about pliers?
No, no, the entertainment.
It was Maureen.
You told me that the only entertainment
was a stripper.
You mean Maureen was the stri?!
You're kidding.
I'm positive!
That's ridiculous. Look, Marion,
she called herself the "Lone Stripper."
"The Lone Stripper"?
Yes. She used to come out wearing this cowboy hat
and these spurs and these six-guns
and all those cute little silver bullets.
Well, if she wore a mask, then how do you know it was her?
Because I have X-ray vision. She took the mask off.
What's holding things up? Joanie's eating salt.
Wh-What are you doing?
Here, take in the salad.
It's mixed. Take in the bowls.
All right. Pass the bowls, serve the salad.
Pass the bowls, serve the salad.
Serve from the left, Richard. Who cares?
Oh
Howard, you're always imagining that you recognize people.
Yeah, but this time I can prove it, Marion,
because the girl who stripped had a very distinctive laugh.
Like a seal.
Like a seal?
Yeah.
Well, are you gonna ask her to laugh?
Well, of course I'm not gonna ask her to laugh.
I'm simply gonna tell her one of my jokes
and then when she does laugh, I'll know if it's her.
Well, what if she doesn't laugh? Don't be funny, Marion.
Mrs. C., this salad is excellent. Excellent!
Really terrific.
Oh, she makes a great salad.
But you should really taste her soup.
And speaking of soup
Uh, speaking of soup,
I heard a very funny story the other day.
Why don't you tell it?
I think I will.
Well, you see, there was this drunk and, uh, this old bum,
and he came to this house and knocked on the door.
And the lady of the house asked what he wanted.
He said he wanted something to eat.
And the lady said, "Well, do you mind yesterday's soup?"
And the bum said, "No, that'll be fine."
And she said, "Good, come back tomorrow."
Good-bye. Good night. Thank you.
Thank you very much. Very nice to meet you.
I'm glad to have met you.
Hey, uh, Mrs. C., your cookin'
Oh, thank you, Arthur.
Hey. Oh.
Cute laugh.
That Maureen's a real nice girl, isn't she?
And talented.
Oh, Howard, I was watching Fonzie,
and I don't think he knows.
Knows what?
And I don't think Richard knows.
Why don't you tell him?
Why me, Marion?
Because it's seedy coming from a woman. Just
Seedy?
She's not talkin' about Fonzie's bachelor party, is she?
'Cause it's not gonna be seedy.
No, she's not talking about that, Richard.
Sit down for a minute, will you? Oh, that's good.
'Cause we want to have it here. Well, that's fine.
Will you sit down for a minute? You can come, too, Dad.
Well, I might be out of place. Please sit down.
Will you, Richard? Oh, Fonzie wants you to come.
He likes you 'cause you made Maureen laugh.
All right! All right! I'll come.
Will you tell some of your Army jokes?
I'll tell all my Army jokes! I'll wear funny hats.
That's good. I'll do anything you want.
Just sit down, sit down.
Thank you.
Now listen to me.
You're
well, you're almost an adult now,
aren't you?
Yes, I, I am.
And you know pretty much the ways of the world?
Sure.
Well, when I was a boy we used to have this saying
We used to say that there are two kinds of girls
Those who do and those who don't.
Well, uh we have the same saying, Dad, only sometimes
it's kinda hard to tell which ones are which.
Oh, yeah Well, there is an old rule of thumb
and it goes like this
Any girl who gets up and dances
in front of 400 drunken hardware salesmen
and takes off every stitch of clothing
is probably a "do."
Do you know a girl like that, Dad?
Hey, another wrench.
Sorry about that, Fonz.
Hey, Potsie, you can never have too many wrenches.
Four wrenches, and not one of them from my store.
Hey, thanks, Mr. C.
Except that one.
Aw, see, now one of you guys is on the ball.
All right, a chrome exhaust.
Hey, Cunningham, excellent.
Excellent!
Fonz, I was gonna get you that.
Yeah. All right, let's go see if it fits on my bike, huh?
Yeah. All right. Yeah.
Nobody touch my bike. See if it fits.
Maybe you'll need a wrench.
Hey, use mine, Fonz!
Uh Richie, wait a minute, will you?
Yeah, Dad?
Did you, uh, tell him?
Well, I tried to tell him this afternoon, but I couldn't.
Well, you don't have to tell him.
You can show him.
Here.
Read that.
"Burlesque.
Girls, girls, girls!
Six, count 'em, six."
No, no, no, look at the picture.
Well, Dad, she's wearing a mask.
Well, that's her act, "The Lone Stripper."
Apparently she rides again.
Well, that's great, because Fonzie thinks
she works in a library.
Richard, no one ever checked books in or out of this place.
All right, well, I'll I'll tell him during the films.
You got films?
W-well, Ra-Ralph's cousin got us some films.
Oh, that's okay. I, I'll just get out of the way.
Oh, you don't have to, Dad. No, it's all right.
I probably saw 'em anyway.
Hey, it fits like a dream.
I'll put it on tomorrow.
It sure looked good to me.
Hey, Fonz, check this out.
Pretty neat, huh?
Very childish, Malph, very childish.
Why do you give me these toys?
Childish!
Well, I'm hungry.
Where's the food?
Wait a minute. Wait a minute.
Wait a minute. Where did your Dad go?
Oh, he went upstairs to, uh, to read.
All right. Potsie, get the projector. Okay!
Set up the screen. You move the chairs.
Everyone sit on the floor and stay low.
We don't want to miss the good stuff.
Fonz, can I talk to you for a minute, please?
Yeah. This stuff is for nerds anyway.
Hey, hey.
You got this ready?
Okay. Projector ready!
Someone get the lights.
And away we go!
Who's the lady?
That's my aunt.
Your aunt?!
This isn't a stag film.
It's Yellowstone Park!
Oh, Ralph, what's wrong with you?
My idiot cousin.
He sent me his vacation films.
These are home movies!
Well, how do you think I feel?
I've already seen 'em.
All right, turn off the projector.
Fonz!
What's going on?
Party's over.
Why?
Just get outta here, will you please?
Just get outta here.
Take all your presents,
and distribute them, give 'em back.
Here. All but this one.
Just get outta here, please.
Huh? Come on!
It was only Yellowstone Park.
Just get out of here.
He doesn't like Yellowstone Park.
Come on. Maybe it gets better.
Yeah, right.
What's all the noise down here?
Uh-oh, You showed him, huh?
Yeah.
Yeah, he showed me.
I'm telling you, Mister
Mr. Cunningham, this ain't Maureen.
Now, look, Fonzie, I understand how you feel,
but marriage is a big step.
Now, look, for your own sake
you ought to go down to see her
and make sure that I'm wrong.
Fonzie, Dad's just trying to
Yeah, yeah, I know what he's trying.
All right, I'm goin'.
But you guys are comin' with me.
This ain't Maureen.
Not even Phyllis with the tattoos would strip.
I guess we owe it to him, huh, Dad?
You realize we're probably gonna have to sit through
six other strippers before she comes on.
If we hurry.
And there you have the very wonderful Laverne and her duck.
The old duck was better.
Bring on the Lone Stripper.
I gotta catch a plane to Pittsburgh.
I know that Maureen ain't here.
She's at the liberry.
And now, direct from a triumphant engagement
at the Storm Door Convention in St. Louis
our featured attraction
the one and only Lone Stripper!
Hi-ho, Silver!
It's not her. Let's go.
Now, wait a minute.
She hasn't taken her mask off yet.
Cancel Pittsburgh.
I'm in love.
I don't care!
Fonzie, wait!
Oh, Fonzie!
Mr. C
Well, it's okay.
I spoke to the management.
We're not gonna be arrested.
Oh, well, that's good news, isn't it, Fonz?
Did he talk to her?
Just for a minute and then she had to get changed.
Well, what'd he find out?
The only thing she's got on my list is no mustache.
Fonz,
I-I'm sorry I had to be the one to tell you,
but Dad and I thought you should know, that's all.
It's all right, you know.
I mean, I appreciate it.
Well, you'll get over it.
I don't want to get over it.
I love her.
I want to marry her.
Hi. I-I really enjoyed your show.
Oh, I-I love Westerns.
Thanks.
Uh could I talk
to Fonzie for a minute alone?
Oh, uh come on, Rich.
Let's you and I wash our hands, huh?
Don't touch anything in the bathroom.
Want a bullet?
It's candy.
Oh, Fonz.
When I was in high school,
all my girl friends
had the same dream and they all wanted
to get married and settle down, find a nice guy
All except me.
I just wanted to go into show business.
Lately I've been having these second thoughts
about being a stripper.
My family won't talk to me.
My mother keeps hiding my holsters
and then I met you.
And I thought well,
maybe I could settle down.
I mean, I like you better than any guy I've ever known.
Then let me ask you one question.
Why'd you lie to me?
Because I know guys like you have very strict rules
about the girls they want to marry.
Why, I knew a guy once who even made up a list.
The guy's a jerk.
I'm the jerk because I lied to myself.
I don't want to be a housewife.
I like working
and I love being in the spotlights.
I have this terrific job offer to go to Toledo,
and they might even give me my own horse.
I can't top that.
I'm sorry, Fonzie,
especially about the lying part.
You know what I mean?
Yeah. Sure. I'm a worldly guy.
I ain't gonna stand in the way of stardom.
I even knew why you lied.
I'm a great catch. You didn't want to lose me.
That's right.
I didn't.
There's only one Fonz.
Hey-y-y.
Hey-y-y.
Well, I guess there's, uh
nothing left but saying, "good-bye," huh?
Bye, Fonzie.
How long does it take two grown men to wash your hands?
So what happened, Fonz?
What happened?
I'm a very sensitive guy.
I let her down easy.
She's got this great job in Toledo.
Hi-ho!
She'll get over it.
Well, let's go home, huh?
Yeah. You're the coolest, Fonz.
Oh, yeah. I am the coolest.
Hey, Richie.
You find any good numbers
on the wall in there? Hey.
Oh, boy, I'm really exhausted.
Dad, how did that, that duck lady
keep the front of her costume on?
Good night, Richard.
I didn't see any strings.
Centrifugal force?
No. She wasn't going fast enough.
Glue? No that, that would hurt.
Hey, Marion, forget the coffee.
Don't you want to go to bed?
Hi-ho, Silver!
Cancel Pittsburgh, I'm in love.
This day is ours ♪
Won't you be mine? ♪
Oh, happy days ♪
This day is ours, these are such Happy Days! ♪
Hello, sunshine, good-bye, rain ♪
She's wearing my school ring on her chain ♪
She's my steady, I'm her man ♪
I'm gonna love her all I can ♪
This day is ours ♪
Won't you be mine? ♪
Oh, happy days ♪
This day is ours ♪
Oh, please be mine ♪
Oh, happy days ♪
These happy days are yours and mine ♪
These happy days are yours and mine, Happy Days! ♪
Sunday, Monday, happy days ♪
Tuesday, Wednesday, happy days ♪
Thursday, Friday, happy days ♪
The weekend comes, my cycle hums ♪
Ready to race to you ♪
These days are ours ♪
Happy and free ♪Oh, happy days ♪
These days are ours ♪
Share them with me ♪Oh, baby ♪
Good-bye, gray sky, hello, blue ♪
There's nothing can hold me when I hold you ♪
It feels so right, it can't be wrong ♪
Rockin' and rollin' all week long ♪
Sunday, Monday, happy days ♪
Tuesday, Wednesday, happy days ♪
Thursday, Friday, happy days ♪
Saturday, what a day ♪
Groovin' all week with you ♪
These days are ours ♪
Share them with me ♪
Oh, happy days ♪
These days are ours ♪
Happy and free ♪Oh, baby ♪
Good-bye, gray sky, hello, blue ♪
There's nothing can hold me when I hold you ♪
It feels so right, it can't be wrong ♪
Rockin' and rollin' all week long ♪
These happy days are yours and mine ♪
These happy days are yours and mine, Happy Days! ♪
Found my thrill ♪
Tonight's Happy Days was filmed before a live audience.
Everybody, everybody quiet.
All right, all right, listen to me a second.
I got big news.
Hey, will you people cool it?
I am trying to talk.
♪♪
All right. Now quiet!
Go ahead, Fonz.
All right now, listen up.
I'm gonna say this one time, one time only.
All right. Now, this Sunday
something very special is going to happen, and, uh,
some of you are gonna be invited.
I bet it's a rumble.
Hey, there's no rumble.
There's a rumble in your head.
This Sunday I, the Fonz
am gettin' married.
Getting married?
I wonder who she is.
You want to go in the bathroom and ask him?
Yeah. All right. Yeah, come on.
On Blueberry Hill ♪
Come on in.
Hey, hey, Fonz, was that for real out there?
You guys hear me turn off the jukebox?
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
Did you hear what was on the jukebox?
Fats Domino. Would I turn off the Fats?
It's for real.
Hey, you don't marry a girl you don't love.
Is it Phyllis with the tattoo?
No tattoos.
No tattoos.
Is it Shirley?
No.
Is it Lorraine? Lorraine, Fonz?
Well, which one is it, Fonz?
Now, you guys don't know her.
Oh Some new talent, huh?
Hey, you watch your mouth. This girl's a lady.
A lady?
Yeah Her name is Maureen.
Maureen. Maureen.
I think I saw her Maureen Hey.
Come here, come here.
You don't understand. I'm gettin' wed.
You don't marry a girl on a wall.
Was your mother on the wall?
No, no, no, no
But we didn't know you cared about these things, Fonz.
Hey, there's a lot you don't know about me.
I'm a man of mystery.
What's that?
This happens to be a list
of the qualifications of a perfect wife.
Can we hear it?
Yeah, I guess you're ready.
Great. Yeah.
All right. One good listener.
Yeah. Yeah. Right, right.
Two, good sense of humor.
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
Three, no mustache.
No No No
Four, and this is a biggie, must be untried.
Oh, right, untried.
Five What's untried?
Dummy.
It means she's never been in court.
It means that she's gotta be pure.
She's gotta be a virgin.
Virgin.
Five, a high school diploma or equivalency.
Six Fonz, don't get mad, but, uh,
how can you be sure about that, w-well the number four?
Yeah. Yeah.
About her being a virgin?
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
She told me.
Six Well, couldn't she have lied?
C'mere.
Virgins don't lie.
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
Six I wanna tell you something, uh, Cunningham,
I'd like to talk to you in here by yourself, huh?
Okay.
You want us to leave, Fonz?
Don't be silly; We're all friends.
Let's go, Pots. Right, Ralph.
Fonz, what's up? You a little nervous, huh?
You want some advice?
It was just a joke.
Let me tell you something, Cunningham
I want you to be my best man.
W-Well that'd be a great honor, Fonz.
I know.
See, Rocky Baruffi
Rocky Baruffi was my first choice,
but he's still in prison.
Hey, I said in here alone!
There's something I forgot to do.
He-He just had 12 malteds.
Keep your hands over your ears.
Okay, Fonz.
Are we finished, Fonz?
No, there's one more thing.
Now, Maureen is a very classy chick.
I'd like to do one classy thing before we get married.
That's nice. Yeah.
I want her to meet your folks.
Meet my folks? Yeah.
See, your parents are, the, uh,
closest thing I got to a family.
They'll make a good impression. They're average.
And besides,
your mother always calls me Arthur.
All right. Well, I'll talk to my folks
and I'll let you know what night.
Thursday. I'll tell them.
Hey!
How did he, uh Uh, maybe with his foot?
I'll get it.
Hi.
It's us.
Right.
After you.
Hey, uh, this is, uh, Richie Cunningham.
This is, uh, Maureen Johnson, my fiancée.
This is his average family.
Very nice to meet you, Maureen. Glad to meet you.
Oh, would you like an average drink?
Oh, oh, uh Maureen don't drink.
Oh, oh does she eat?
That's very good, Mr. C.
Well, dinner is ready. Why don't we just sit down?
All right.
See, uh, Mr. C. Often amuses us
with his wit, you know.
Are you nervous?
Oh, no, not just as long as I'm with you.
Now, Maureen, you and Fonzie can sit on this side.
Oh! All right.
There you go, Maureen.
Mrs. C.
Oh, thank you.
Hey, thanks, Mr. C.
Miss Johnson, haven't we met someplace before?
Oh, no. I don't think so.
Well, you look very familiar to me.
Do you buy much hardware?
I beg your pardon?
Well, I-I-I-I have a hardware store.
Oh, no.
Oh, somehow I just associate you with hardware.
Oh, excuse me, I'll get the salad.
Where are you from, Maureen?
Oh, well, all over the place, but, uh lately Chicago.
Oh, that's a great city.
We hold our annual hardware convention in
Oh
Uh, uh, uh would you just excuse me for a minute?
I gotta go help Marion with something. Don't get up, Fonzie.
You see, Mr. C. Often helps Mrs. C.
Not very often.
And this is your average smart kid.
Marion, you remember the hardware convention
last year in Chicago? No.
What do you mean, "No"?
Because you didn't take me. Oh, right.
Well, you remember me telling you about it, huh?
Yes, and I have already thanked you for not taking me.
Yeah, well, there's one thing I'm sorry you missed.
Your speech about pliers?
No, no, the entertainment.
It was Maureen.
You told me that the only entertainment
was a stripper.
You mean Maureen was the stri?!
You're kidding.
I'm positive!
That's ridiculous. Look, Marion,
she called herself the "Lone Stripper."
"The Lone Stripper"?
Yes. She used to come out wearing this cowboy hat
and these spurs and these six-guns
and all those cute little silver bullets.
Well, if she wore a mask, then how do you know it was her?
Because I have X-ray vision. She took the mask off.
What's holding things up? Joanie's eating salt.
Wh-What are you doing?
Here, take in the salad.
It's mixed. Take in the bowls.
All right. Pass the bowls, serve the salad.
Pass the bowls, serve the salad.
Serve from the left, Richard. Who cares?
Oh
Howard, you're always imagining that you recognize people.
Yeah, but this time I can prove it, Marion,
because the girl who stripped had a very distinctive laugh.
Like a seal.
Like a seal?
Yeah.
Well, are you gonna ask her to laugh?
Well, of course I'm not gonna ask her to laugh.
I'm simply gonna tell her one of my jokes
and then when she does laugh, I'll know if it's her.
Well, what if she doesn't laugh? Don't be funny, Marion.
Mrs. C., this salad is excellent. Excellent!
Really terrific.
Oh, she makes a great salad.
But you should really taste her soup.
And speaking of soup
Uh, speaking of soup,
I heard a very funny story the other day.
Why don't you tell it?
I think I will.
Well, you see, there was this drunk and, uh, this old bum,
and he came to this house and knocked on the door.
And the lady of the house asked what he wanted.
He said he wanted something to eat.
And the lady said, "Well, do you mind yesterday's soup?"
And the bum said, "No, that'll be fine."
And she said, "Good, come back tomorrow."
Good-bye. Good night. Thank you.
Thank you very much. Very nice to meet you.
I'm glad to have met you.
Hey, uh, Mrs. C., your cookin'
Oh, thank you, Arthur.
Hey. Oh.
Cute laugh.
That Maureen's a real nice girl, isn't she?
And talented.
Oh, Howard, I was watching Fonzie,
and I don't think he knows.
Knows what?
And I don't think Richard knows.
Why don't you tell him?
Why me, Marion?
Because it's seedy coming from a woman. Just
Seedy?
She's not talkin' about Fonzie's bachelor party, is she?
'Cause it's not gonna be seedy.
No, she's not talking about that, Richard.
Sit down for a minute, will you? Oh, that's good.
'Cause we want to have it here. Well, that's fine.
Will you sit down for a minute? You can come, too, Dad.
Well, I might be out of place. Please sit down.
Will you, Richard? Oh, Fonzie wants you to come.
He likes you 'cause you made Maureen laugh.
All right! All right! I'll come.
Will you tell some of your Army jokes?
I'll tell all my Army jokes! I'll wear funny hats.
That's good. I'll do anything you want.
Just sit down, sit down.
Thank you.
Now listen to me.
You're
well, you're almost an adult now,
aren't you?
Yes, I, I am.
And you know pretty much the ways of the world?
Sure.
Well, when I was a boy we used to have this saying
We used to say that there are two kinds of girls
Those who do and those who don't.
Well, uh we have the same saying, Dad, only sometimes
it's kinda hard to tell which ones are which.
Oh, yeah Well, there is an old rule of thumb
and it goes like this
Any girl who gets up and dances
in front of 400 drunken hardware salesmen
and takes off every stitch of clothing
is probably a "do."
Do you know a girl like that, Dad?
Hey, another wrench.
Sorry about that, Fonz.
Hey, Potsie, you can never have too many wrenches.
Four wrenches, and not one of them from my store.
Hey, thanks, Mr. C.
Except that one.
Aw, see, now one of you guys is on the ball.
All right, a chrome exhaust.
Hey, Cunningham, excellent.
Excellent!
Fonz, I was gonna get you that.
Yeah. All right, let's go see if it fits on my bike, huh?
Yeah. All right. Yeah.
Nobody touch my bike. See if it fits.
Maybe you'll need a wrench.
Hey, use mine, Fonz!
Uh Richie, wait a minute, will you?
Yeah, Dad?
Did you, uh, tell him?
Well, I tried to tell him this afternoon, but I couldn't.
Well, you don't have to tell him.
You can show him.
Here.
Read that.
"Burlesque.
Girls, girls, girls!
Six, count 'em, six."
No, no, no, look at the picture.
Well, Dad, she's wearing a mask.
Well, that's her act, "The Lone Stripper."
Apparently she rides again.
Well, that's great, because Fonzie thinks
she works in a library.
Richard, no one ever checked books in or out of this place.
All right, well, I'll I'll tell him during the films.
You got films?
W-well, Ra-Ralph's cousin got us some films.
Oh, that's okay. I, I'll just get out of the way.
Oh, you don't have to, Dad. No, it's all right.
I probably saw 'em anyway.
Hey, it fits like a dream.
I'll put it on tomorrow.
It sure looked good to me.
Hey, Fonz, check this out.
Pretty neat, huh?
Very childish, Malph, very childish.
Why do you give me these toys?
Childish!
Well, I'm hungry.
Where's the food?
Wait a minute. Wait a minute.
Wait a minute. Where did your Dad go?
Oh, he went upstairs to, uh, to read.
All right. Potsie, get the projector. Okay!
Set up the screen. You move the chairs.
Everyone sit on the floor and stay low.
We don't want to miss the good stuff.
Fonz, can I talk to you for a minute, please?
Yeah. This stuff is for nerds anyway.
Hey, hey.
You got this ready?
Okay. Projector ready!
Someone get the lights.
And away we go!
Who's the lady?
That's my aunt.
Your aunt?!
This isn't a stag film.
It's Yellowstone Park!
Oh, Ralph, what's wrong with you?
My idiot cousin.
He sent me his vacation films.
These are home movies!
Well, how do you think I feel?
I've already seen 'em.
All right, turn off the projector.
Fonz!
What's going on?
Party's over.
Why?
Just get outta here, will you please?
Just get outta here.
Take all your presents,
and distribute them, give 'em back.
Here. All but this one.
Just get outta here, please.
Huh? Come on!
It was only Yellowstone Park.
Just get out of here.
He doesn't like Yellowstone Park.
Come on. Maybe it gets better.
Yeah, right.
What's all the noise down here?
Uh-oh, You showed him, huh?
Yeah.
Yeah, he showed me.
I'm telling you, Mister
Mr. Cunningham, this ain't Maureen.
Now, look, Fonzie, I understand how you feel,
but marriage is a big step.
Now, look, for your own sake
you ought to go down to see her
and make sure that I'm wrong.
Fonzie, Dad's just trying to
Yeah, yeah, I know what he's trying.
All right, I'm goin'.
But you guys are comin' with me.
This ain't Maureen.
Not even Phyllis with the tattoos would strip.
I guess we owe it to him, huh, Dad?
You realize we're probably gonna have to sit through
six other strippers before she comes on.
If we hurry.
And there you have the very wonderful Laverne and her duck.
The old duck was better.
Bring on the Lone Stripper.
I gotta catch a plane to Pittsburgh.
I know that Maureen ain't here.
She's at the liberry.
And now, direct from a triumphant engagement
at the Storm Door Convention in St. Louis
our featured attraction
the one and only Lone Stripper!
Hi-ho, Silver!
It's not her. Let's go.
Now, wait a minute.
She hasn't taken her mask off yet.
Cancel Pittsburgh.
I'm in love.
I don't care!
Fonzie, wait!
Oh, Fonzie!
Mr. C
Well, it's okay.
I spoke to the management.
We're not gonna be arrested.
Oh, well, that's good news, isn't it, Fonz?
Did he talk to her?
Just for a minute and then she had to get changed.
Well, what'd he find out?
The only thing she's got on my list is no mustache.
Fonz,
I-I'm sorry I had to be the one to tell you,
but Dad and I thought you should know, that's all.
It's all right, you know.
I mean, I appreciate it.
Well, you'll get over it.
I don't want to get over it.
I love her.
I want to marry her.
Hi. I-I really enjoyed your show.
Oh, I-I love Westerns.
Thanks.
Uh could I talk
to Fonzie for a minute alone?
Oh, uh come on, Rich.
Let's you and I wash our hands, huh?
Don't touch anything in the bathroom.
Want a bullet?
It's candy.
Oh, Fonz.
When I was in high school,
all my girl friends
had the same dream and they all wanted
to get married and settle down, find a nice guy
All except me.
I just wanted to go into show business.
Lately I've been having these second thoughts
about being a stripper.
My family won't talk to me.
My mother keeps hiding my holsters
and then I met you.
And I thought well,
maybe I could settle down.
I mean, I like you better than any guy I've ever known.
Then let me ask you one question.
Why'd you lie to me?
Because I know guys like you have very strict rules
about the girls they want to marry.
Why, I knew a guy once who even made up a list.
The guy's a jerk.
I'm the jerk because I lied to myself.
I don't want to be a housewife.
I like working
and I love being in the spotlights.
I have this terrific job offer to go to Toledo,
and they might even give me my own horse.
I can't top that.
I'm sorry, Fonzie,
especially about the lying part.
You know what I mean?
Yeah. Sure. I'm a worldly guy.
I ain't gonna stand in the way of stardom.
I even knew why you lied.
I'm a great catch. You didn't want to lose me.
That's right.
I didn't.
There's only one Fonz.
Hey-y-y.
Hey-y-y.
Well, I guess there's, uh
nothing left but saying, "good-bye," huh?
Bye, Fonzie.
How long does it take two grown men to wash your hands?
So what happened, Fonz?
What happened?
I'm a very sensitive guy.
I let her down easy.
She's got this great job in Toledo.
Hi-ho!
She'll get over it.
Well, let's go home, huh?
Yeah. You're the coolest, Fonz.
Oh, yeah. I am the coolest.
Hey, Richie.
You find any good numbers
on the wall in there? Hey.
Oh, boy, I'm really exhausted.
Dad, how did that, that duck lady
keep the front of her costume on?
Good night, Richard.
I didn't see any strings.
Centrifugal force?
No. She wasn't going fast enough.
Glue? No that, that would hurt.
Hey, Marion, forget the coffee.
Don't you want to go to bed?
Hi-ho, Silver!
Cancel Pittsburgh, I'm in love.
This day is ours ♪
Won't you be mine? ♪
Oh, happy days ♪
This day is ours, these are such Happy Days! ♪
Hello, sunshine, good-bye, rain ♪
She's wearing my school ring on her chain ♪
She's my steady, I'm her man ♪
I'm gonna love her all I can ♪
This day is ours ♪
Won't you be mine? ♪
Oh, happy days ♪
This day is ours ♪
Oh, please be mine ♪
Oh, happy days ♪
These happy days are yours and mine ♪
These happy days are yours and mine, Happy Days! ♪