8 Simple Rules (2002) s02e14 Episode Script

1
Wow, dad; I am impressed.
You did a great job fixing
up that basement.
Sure, you're gonna be okay
down there by yourself?
I'm a big boy. I'll be fine.
I think Rory might miss
me sleeping in his room;
You know, our little
midnight chats.
Okay gramps; Here's
the rest of your crap.
Thank, God, I can sleep again.
Grandma ever tell you,
you snore like an elephant?
He has magazines, Cate.
Grandpa!
Mom; C.J.'s still in the shower.
It's been 45 minutes.
He's using up all the hot water.
Yeah; Now we have 2
blondes in this house
who think they own
the bathroom.
Great; I havent't had my shower
and I like my shower.
Yeah; I like my shower too.
We know you do.
Mother; You have got to do
something. Jeremy
tutoring me today.
I still have to do
my hair, my makeup,
practice my brain
pose in the mirror.
I mean, it is just so
much work being smart.
You so like him.
Jeremy? I do not. He's my friend;
He's my tutor; He's
He's your boyfriend and
you loooove him.
Yeah; You looooove him.
How do you know it is just
not my love of knowledge.
Okay; Fine. I like a geek.
Gee! I, I smell smoke.
Dad?
Well, don't look at me.
I'm not allowed to smoke indoors.
No, no. I have to smoke outside
in the freezing, bitter,
Michigan winter.
It doesn't smell like cigarettes.
It smells like
C.J.'s van!!
It's on fire!!
Sometimes I smoke
in C.J.'s van.
Oh! Somebody call 911!!
Jeremy might call!!
I can't call right now!!
Call 911!!
Oh; And somebody tell C.J.
I want to tell him!!
- You call 911!!
And I'm gonna tell him!!
You're all in for a treat.
In a few minutes, my hair will
be extra bouncy and manageable.
C.J., your van is on fire!
My baby!!
You know, Bridget;
This is really good.
Shut up!
No; I'm sure it's an.
I don't think you
need me anymore.
Oh, oh! She needs you.
I need you for tutoring.
Next week, I have to debate
Lacey in speech class.
Ohh, Lacey.
She's captain of
the 'Debate Team'
You must've been bad
in a prior life.
Oh, She was!
She was very, very naughty.
Who's the homeless guy?
Hey! I'd be really insulted
by that if I had a home.
Just ignore him. He's our lazy
cousin; He lives on the couch.
Hmm.
Well, your hour's up.
Guess I'll see you next time?
Ohh If I had a dollar for
every time I heard that one.
Okay, well, them.
We'll do this later.
How about saturday night?
Oh, I can't. I'm
going to a party.
You're going to a party
with girls?
No; See; It's a nerd party.
So, we flip a coin, and half
of us show up dressed as girls.
Yes; There are gonna
be girls there.
Hot girls?
You ask to many questions.
Byyye.
Byyye.
Oh oh; You got shot
down so hard. I love it.
Hi, aunt Cate!
Rory, 'Grandpyro'.
So, C.J.
Were you just planning on
sleeping on the couch all day?
Maybe if I'd get some
quiet around here.
Please tell me you're wearing
something under there.
Look, C.J. You cannot just
move into my living room.
I actually have people
coming over tonight.
Uhh
Loud people?
Nobody ran that by me.
Would you just look at him?
Look at him.
He's taking over the
whole living room.
That's because that van you
burned down was his home.
If you had let me smoke inside,
I never would've happened.
Yeah; Now there's logic.
You sound like Bridget.
Wha..aaat..ever!
Cate, this is your house.
Take charge! Set some rules!
Go on!
Okay.
C.J.;
I want you to move into
your grandfather's room.
Kerry; I need a favor.
Jeremy's going to some geek
party. I need you to ge me in.
What did you just say?
How dare you?
What makes you think-
Can you get me in, or not?!!
Yeah; I can get you in.
But they're not geeks.
They're academics.
Okay; Whatever.
I'm not an academic, and
I don't want to stand out.
So, is there anything
I need to know?
Yeah; History, Poetry,
Philosophy.
Addition.
And if you have
to speak, don't say.
"Totally" and "so"
and "Oh, my God".
Okay; I can so do that.
I totally just said "so"
and "Totally". Oh my God!!
Hey, grandpa; I hope
you don't mind,
I used your toothbrush.
You did, what?!
Yeah, mine was in my van
with the rest of my stuff.
That van was a fire trap.
Yeah; This from a guy who was
around when fire was invented.
Hey! Knock it off, you two!
Don't make me come down there!
- Sorry.
- Okay.
All right, scooch.
What do you think you're doing?
- I'm going to bed.
- Oh, not here. You're not.
It's okay, grandpa.
I'm wearing underpants this time.
Well; I'm not.
You're bluffing.
You sure that's a chance
you want to take?
You think you can
scare me off with
Whoahh!!
Come on; I'm wearing
pajamas. You wimp.
The flap!
Sorry.
Hey; Don't you have
a sleeping bag?
Oh, yeah; I did.
But apparently, when viewed
through 200 years old eyeballs.
It looks like an ashtray.
You pipe down with
the old-guy jokes
I'm not so old I can't
kick your butt.
Like you could ever catch me?
You move at the speed of moths.
Drop the cane! Put the cane
down and we go at it.
What is going on?!
It's bedtime.
- He started it.
- He started it
Cate; This is just
not gonna work out.
Oh, you guys; I'm
at my wit's end.
I am a single mom, and I just
realized I have five kids.
The three good ones, are asleep.
Relax. This is
strictly short-term.
My girlfriend Sabrina, just
got out of the service.
Sabrina?
You never mentioned
you had a girlfriend.
Oh, yeah.
She's gonna come here and pick me
up. We're gonna go to California.
Sun, fun and margaritas.
Whooo!
See, dad?
He won't even be here
that much longer.
Can't you just put aside your
differences for a few days?
Yeah; Or would that ruin your
plans to smother me in my sleeps?
It's not like I had the
pillow picked out.
She's here; She's here!
Nooo.
Dad; Not every car is
gonna be C.J.'s girlfriend.
It only takes one to get
his butt to California.
Kerry; I'm a little nervous
about this party.
Is everyone there gonna be smart?
Let's see; There will be Lacey,
Jeremy, me. I'm gonna bring Kyle-
Oh, Kyle! Thank God!
You know, Bridget;
I am really impressed,
that you are actually
going to a 'Gee-
'Academic' party.
You know; It just shows
a lot of growth in you.
You know; Actually, I met
your dad at a Gee-
'Academic party'
Really?
Yeah!
I used to only go out with
musicians and bad boys.
And then one night my
roommate took me to this party
that was being thrown by this
total bunch of writer gee-
Geek!, mom. Go ahead
and say it! Geek!
Oh, never mind. Just
have a good time.
That's you. You're here.
You made it.
That's her. She's here.
She made it.
All right, love monkey.
Here I come!!
Whoa!
She's actually hot.
Wow! Look; They're hugging.
I've never seen C.J. so happy.
Wait! She just pushed
him to the ground.
With ease.
No, no, no!
Kiss and make up.
Take him to California!!
Now, she's heading
back to the car.
With him on her leg.
She's actually dragging him.
With ease.
A..a..a and
Goodbye! Love monkey!
See, Bridg'; There
is no difference.
We don't just solve equations
and discuss world politics.
We're just like everybody else.
We can party hard.
Descartes-René Descartes!
John Stewart Mill!
Kerry; I just feel
like I stick out.
I don't know anybody here.
I do.
I think I've stuffed every
guy here in a locker.
Jeremy!
Oh, that's crazy!
We're both at the same
party at the same time.
What a coincidence!
Bridget; This isn't
really your scene.
Oh! Who's to say what
scene belong to
Whom?
"Whom" is right.
So, you having a good time?
Oh, my God! Yes!
This is so totally
'Whom'.
I can't stand to see
a grown man cry.
Why don't you get out of here?
Make the pain go away, poppy.
Cate!
Yeah?!
Make the pain go away.
Uh
C.J.?
Tell me what happened.
I don't want Rory
to see me like this.
No; I'm cool.
Well; Apparently her therapist,
who she's probably sleeping with,
told her she needs to see me
face-to-face to end it,
for closure.
Glad she's healed!
Devil woman!
So, why'd she dump your ass?
Rory!
Out!!
Go on!!
Ughh!
I'm sorry, C.J.,
but, you know, since he asked.
Sabrina thinks I'm kind of
sort of aimless.
Yeah, right.
With no roots or future
like she knows.
And that other blibbety-blab.
Oh, yeah; She's married.
C.J.
Well, she got married
because of the other stuff.
You know,
Maybe you should entertain
the remote possibility
that she's on to something.
You are aimless.
You're living with your
grandfather in a basement.
What kind of future is that?!
Glass houses, 'Cochise'
You know, C.J.; Maybe
this isn't a bad thing.
Maybe this is a chance
for you to start over.
You know,
your uncle Paul always thought,
you had a lot of potential.
Really?
Yes.
C.J., you're an adult.
It's time to start
thinking seriously
about became independent.
Find a job,
a career.
Go to College.
You know, it's a big
wide world out there.
Just spread your wings and fly.
Away.
Far, far away.
Bridget; Can I ask
you something?
'Can you ask me something'?
Yes.
'May you ask me something'?
I don't know.
No. I can't ask you this.
Oh, come on!
You know what they say.
Nothing ventured is nothing
something. Sup'?
All right.
Here goes.
So, say there's this guy,
mmm and he wants to ask out
this really cute girl,
but he's afraid because
she might say, no.
Well;
I think that, that guy
should take the chance
on asking out that
'Beautiful'!! Girl
because I have the feeling
the answer's gonna
be a big, fat 'Yes'
- Really?
- Yes. Trust me.
All right.
I'm gonna do it.
Hey, Lacey!
You want to go out sometime?
Hey! What?
Sure.
- Wait. Do you like ponies?
- Ahh
'Entonces' just say yes
so you can get with this.
Okay.
Honey,
It's really great to see you take
such an interest in your studies.
- What's that all about?
- What's that all about?
Yeah, yeah. I'll tell you
What's that all about, missy.
It is about me, winning Jeremy
and humiliating Lacey so much
that she can't show her face
anywhere, and has to move
to the northern territories
and live with the bears
until one day, she starts
riding that bear like a pony
and it turns around 'cause
it's so mad an eats her.
And because he
ate so much of her,
His face starts
to look like Lacey.
And the other bears go "Ha!
Your face looks like Lacey!"
I, I meant, what's
the debate about.
Oh;
"Honesty Is The Best Policy".
Hey, Dad! Where you been?
Jogging.
Gee! You're in a good mood.
I couldn't sleep last night.
C.J. Kept waking me up
every time I started snoring.
He said: "Grandpa;
You're snoring again".
Then, when I wasn't snoring,
he'd wake me up and say:
"Sorry; I thought you croaked."
Look, dad; I know that C.J.
is cramping all our style.
Damm right! He is! And he'll stay
here as long as you let him.
- He's gonna walk all over you.
- No. He's not.
C.J.'s gonna get his act together
if we just believe in him.
Come on! He's family.
Maybe he's not.
We could do a DNA test.
Don't look at me like that.
You're a nurse.
Give science a chance.
Hey you guys!
I got great news.
- Your girlfriend took you back?
- No.
- They let you back in the Army.
- No.
You got your van fixed?
I, I know the news. How about
I'll tell the news. Okay?
I took aunt Cate's advice
and I've enrolled and been
accepted into College.
Oh, yes. An Institution
Of Higher Learning.
Okay; Do you mean College or
an Institution?
Because there's a big difference.
Well; Check this
out, 'Carrottop'.
This is my first syllabus.
It's a fun word, isn't it?
Syllabus, syllabus.
Sylla-la-la-la-bus.
You know, C.J., that is great!
You're going away to College.
Congratulations.
We are so proud.
So - so how far away?
It's called: George Romney
Community College.
Community College.
Yeah; I'm taking
intro to astrophysics
and, uh, leatherworks.
George Romney? Why
does that sound familiar?
Ah It's next to the gas-N-sip
you limp up to,
when you want to buy cigarettes
to burn down vans.
Yeah; It's down the street.
You are going to College
down the street?
Yeah; Isn't that convenient?
For you.
Is this your idea of
being independent?
You're gonna live in my basement,
while you to to Community
College till you graduate?
Let's see; A 2 year College.
That should take you, what,
about 6 years to complete?
Yeah; About.
C.J., I stood up for you.
Now I fee like you are
walking all over us.
And if you think
that you're gonna live here
forever for free
You are completely
out of your mind!!
Did I forget to mention that
I'm living in student housing?
Yes!!
Yes, you did!!
And - and that's
terrific, C.J.
Dad; Did you hear about C.J.?
That's great.
So, in conclusion, our entire
society is based on trust.
Therefore, honesty is
always the best policy.
No lie. Thank you.
Very nice, Bridget.
And now we'll hear from Lacey
I offer one final example.
During World War II.
Many people lied to 'The Gestapo'
when asked whether or not,
they were hiding jews.
Those who lied
saved innocent people.
What better example
to support my position
that honesty IS NOT ALWAYS!
As in, Permanent!, Infinite!,
Absolute!, -
the best policy.
Thank you.
Thank you, Lacey.
And now, Bridget's rebuttal.
Okay; Yeah.
Okay; Well.
Lacey, over here, has made some -
great points -
-my esteemed opponent.
But, however
uhmmmmmm -
That, umm -
That.. Oh.. That..that thing.
The Society
true
and
Yes, very true.
Oh! Honesty! Honesty!
This is.. This is honesty.
The other day, I had lipstick
on my teeth, and Talia told me.
And even though she didn't
really save my life.
If I would have gone out
with lipstick on my teeth,
I would have totally died.
You know what I mean?
It's a - Thank you.
Lacey;
You rebuttal.
I'm good.
All right, class.
We'll pick it up from
here tomorrow.
Hey!
- Nice job.
- Yeah, right!
I totally embarrased myself.
You did not.
It's not as though you have
lipstick on your teeth.
That's not funny. Okay?
I'm humiliated.
Just, leave me alone.
Go congratulate your girlfriend!!
What are you so mad at me for?
I am not mad at you!
She hissed.
You know;
You just think you're so smart
with your straight A's
and I go to your
academic parties,
and I try and be noticed by you
and it's like
"Buy a vowel, already".
You've got to be the
dumbest smart guy
I've ever seen in my entire life.
But it just turns out
you don't even like me.
It's fine! Whatever.
Whoa, W-what?
Bridget! I like you!
I mean, I really like you.
I mean, Gosh!
You're beautiful,
you're sweet and you're smart.
You know, at most I thought
we could be friends.
But, I mean, I never
would have dreamed
that Bridget Hennessy
could like someone who -
I mean, I'm in my world;
You're in yours.
Okay; You're being initiated
into some club. Aren't you?
Will you marry me?
I'll quit school, get a job.
So, wait.
All that stuff you were
saying at the party
about asking some girl out.
Was really me?
But you didn't want to
because you thought I was
way, way out of your league
and unobtainable and stuff.
You didn't really want to
go out with Lacey; Did you?
No. We went out.
What?
Well, you know; We broke up.
Oh! Okay.
Yeah; She dumped me.
I mean, I like ponies as
much as the next guy.
- But she's a freak.
- Wait, wait, wait, wait.
Hold on a second.
I am your rebound to 'pony girl'?
Let's try not to look
at it, that way.
Here you go; 'Hon'
Gee!
It's so quiet around
here without C.J.
It's called peace.
Hey everybody!
What's for dinner?
What are you doing here?
Oh, yeah. I'm back and
I'm in a good mood.
In leather class, I got
an on my belt.
You know, C.J. Aren't you
supposed to be living at school?
Yeah, well. It's not like I
can afford the meal plan.
I'm saving up for a new van -
A cool one with flames on it.
So, you'll be coming here
every night for dinner?
Whoa, hey. Ha, ha,
I can't promise every night.
I do have a life.
Hey, 'Pippy'; Stop bogarting
the mac and cheese.
OOo