Happy Days (1974) s02e14 Episode Script

1
Sunday, Monday, happy days ♪
Tuesday, Wednesday, happy days ♪
Thursday, Friday, happy days ♪
The weekend comes, my cycle hums ♪
Ready to race to you ♪
These days are ours ♪
Happy and free ♪Oh, happy days ♪
These days are ours ♪
Share them with me ♪Oh, baby ♪
Good-bye, gray sky, hello, blue ♪
There's nothing can hold me when I hold you ♪
It feels so right, it can't be wrong ♪
Rocking and rolling all week long ♪
Sunday, Monday, happy days ♪
Tuesday, Wednesday, happy days ♪
Thursday, Friday, happy days ♪
Saturday, what a day ♪
Groovin' all week with you ♪
These days are ours ♪
Share them with me ♪
Oh, happy days ♪
These days are ours ♪
Happy and free ♪Oh, baby ♪
These happy days are yours and mine ♪
These happy days are yours and mine, Happy Days! ♪
Hi, Richie.
How are you feeling, dear?
Better, except I can't find Jack Horner's thumb.
Why are you doing Joanie's old jigsaw puzzle?
Because I've done all the crossword puzzles,
all the connect-the-dots, all the follow-the-mazes.
It was either jigsaw or die of boredom.
Well, this will cheer you up.
A happy face made out of Jell-O?
Yeah, I thought I'd treat you to some solid food.
Mom, I don't think Jell-O
technically qualifies as solid food.
Well, doesn't that cheer you up?
If you want to cheer me up, get me a happy face pizza.
Now, Richard,
your stomach isn't strong enough for that.
It's been so long since I had solid food,
I'm forgetting how to use my teeth.
How's it going, Rich?
It's going very boring.
Well, no one said that Asiatic flu
was supposed to be interesting.
Just be patient, Richard.
The doctor says you're going to be better
in a couple of days. Couple of days?
Marion, we're all supposed to go see Cinerama tonight.
Well, I'd better not go.
I could hardly enjoy flying through the Grand Canyon
with a sick boy on my mind.
Can Rosita go?
If that roller coaster ride is really wild, she'll throw up.
Never mind that.
We'll all stay home.
Supposed to be a family outing,
so I'll just exchange the tickets.
Terrific!
Now I can take Ronnie, Bonnie and Rosita.
Boy, I'd better bring a lot of barf bags.
You know, she's growing into quite a young lady.
Oh, what an exciting game.
Richie now leads Cunningham 76-74.
Cunningham takes the ball out
being closely guarded by Richie.
Cunningham fakes to his right, shoots.
Aw, short. No good.
Hey, Fonz. Hey
How long you been out there?
Not long.
I missed the first half.
Well, I'm glad you came and everything,
but why'd you go through the window?
Hey, do you want me to parade
through your living room with these?
Wow, Confidential, Police Digest
Playboy.
What'd you expect, Jack and Jill?
Where'd you get these, Fonz?
Well, I got a deal with my barber.
If I spread around that he does my DA,
I get a free haircut,
free magazines and first crack at his manicurist.
Is there something else I can get you?
Yeah, there is.
Food.
Solid food like, uh
like pizza or cheese dogs
or onion rings. Anything at all.
Yeah, I can dig it.
You're tired of egg in your milk, huh?
Yeah, and mashed-up aspirin in my applesauce.
Hey, listen, mothers are like that.
Mine used to sprinkle aspirin on my linguine
and tell me it was parmesan cheese.
Well, I gotta have some solid food.
I used to dream about girls,
now I'm dreaming about French fries.
I'll bring it back to you
when I come back with your car.
My car?
Yeah. I gotta borrow your wheels.
I'm taking Yvette to the drive-in
and it is very difficult
to get in the back seat of my motorcycle
if you get my drift.
Oh, yeah.
Well, I guess that'd be all right.
Just don't forget the food. All right, Fonz?
Hey Thanks.
Don't you need my keys?
Hey!
And he makes a 20-foot jump shot.
That makes the score 527-527.
What an exciting game.
Just listen to that crowd roar.
Yeah, yeah.
Boo, boo And he misses, in and out.
Richie, how you doing?
Rich, hey, good to see you.
Not too long, now, boys.
We just don't want Richard to get excited.
Oh, don't worry, Mrs. C.
We want our good buddy up and
at 'em again as much as you do.
Right, Ralph? Right, Potsie.
Oh, and, Mrs. C., have a pleasant day.
It came, it came.
What, what came? Our ticket to paradise.
"Potsie Kowalski"?
Yeah, I couldn't use my real name.
"General post office delivery." What is this?
It's the French sunbathing films I sent for.
Come on, Rich, your dad has an eight millimeter projector.
Let's set it up. You're out of your mind.
My parents are here.
They were gonna go see Cinerama tonight,
but they're staying here because I'm sick.
Get better!
Come on, Rich, I'm dying to see this film.
Talk them into going.
Well, it it's not an easy thing to do.
Rich, I didn't want to show you this in your condition,
but you forced me into it.
What is it?
Look at the ad between "Ruptured"
and "How to Study to be a Forest Ranger at Home."
Oh, yeah.
"Unusual films for the connoisseur.
"See the bare facts.
French beauties on the naked sands on the Riviera."
See, "bare" and "naked" are underlined.
It's a code.
And look, "Must be 25 or over to order this film."
All the other ads say 18.
Yeah? Yeah.
Bare?
Naked?
Richard. Hi, everybody.
What are you doing down here?
Well, I'm feeling so much better that I
I thought I'd come down and see what solid food looks like.
Oh, the boys' visit must have cheered you up.
Oh, yeah, it really did. Anyway,
I'm feeling a lot better and, uh
I think that you should go to the movie.
We couldn't leave you alone, dear.
I'm not gonna be alone.
Ralph and Potsie are gonna come over here
and help me catch up on my homework.
Well, I don't think so.
Marion, he says he's feeling better.
And besides, you deserve a night out
after taking that hot chicken soup
up and down the stairs all day.
That's right.
I couldn't leave him alone, dear.
A flight through Grand Canyon, just like in a plane?
Grand Canyon.
The roller coaster Roller coaster. No.
Lowell Thomas, 40 feet high.
Lowell Thomas.
Lowell Thomas
Are you sure that you feel all right, dear?
I feel fine and I really wish that you'd go.
All right.
Yippee!
Now, you have the number
of the doctor and the theater,
and the fire department? Right.
Marion, we're not going on the voyage of the Kon-Tiki.
We'll be back in a few hours, now come on.
Mom, go.
I'll be all right.
Now you just try to get some rest then.
Oh, I will.
See you later, Rich.
I will. I'll really rest.
Well, I still don't
feel right about leaving him alone, Howard.
Marion, the boy is gonna be all right.
You're just overreacting.
I'm not overreacting.
Joanie, you should have a sweater on
underneath that coat.
Oh, Mom, do I have to?
It makes me look fat.
Well, wouldn't it be better to look fat
rather than get double-pneumonia?
Marion, you're overreacting again.
Hello, Ralph?
Yeah, come on over.
Right, right. It's all clear.
Quit breathing so heavy
or your parents will know something's up.
Okay, I'll see you.
All right, let's hear it for bare facts and naked sands.
Rah, rah, rah!
Pots?
Listen, Weber, I wish you'd quit clowning around.
This isn't very funny.
I wasn't going for no joke, buddy.
What are you doing here?
I live here.
What are you doing here?
I work here.
In my house?
Yeah.
For tonight.
Why didn't you go to that Cinerama thing with your folks?
How did you know where my parents went?
A good burglar's supposed to know
everything about his clientele,
especially when the house is supposed to be empty.
Why isn't this house empty?
I'm sick.
Everything is going wrong today.
This morning I go to rob my first bank,
the lines are too long.
I get outside, they towed my car away.
I should've stayed in bed.
What do you got?
Asiatic flu.
Not disease-wise, loot-wise!
Oh.
Well, I guess I never
thought about it before loot-wise.
Keep your hands in sight.
Don't make me use this.
I won't. I won't.
Okay, okay, I got to get to work.
So don't try anything funny.
Where do your folks keep the good stuff?
Good stuff?
Yeah, like the silver.
We haven't got any.
If they're married, they got silver.
Stop kidding around.
Where is it?
Dining room, middle drawer of the sideboard.
Forks on the right, spoons left, knives on top.
You're a chatty little fellow once you put your mind to it.
Come on, come on.
Ho-ho-hold this.
And keep it open.
Oh, you can't take those.
Huh, why not?
Those are valuable!
You don't know nothing about the burglary business, do you?
Uh-uh, uh-uh.
What do you mean? Why not?
That set used to belong to my grandmother.
It's been in my family for over 50 years.
Yeah? And now it's gonna be in my family.
See how things work out?
Try the middle drawer.
Oh, I really wish you wouldn't take this.
You're gonna tell me this has sentimental value.
It does. I knew it.
My brother and my kid sister
and I saved our pennies for months
so that we could buy this for my parents' tenth anniversary.
It's never even been used.
This has never been used?
My mom says it's too good.
What do you guys eat with
on Christmas and Thanksgiving, shovels?
No, my mom uses the good stainless steel.
Yeah? My mother's like that, too.
Come on.
Who's that?
You expecting somebody?
Yeah, it's my friend Ralph and Potsie.
Potsie?
Even though I'm dying to see what a Potsie looks like,
I'm gonna be hiding out in the closet.
You get rid of 'em, or you'll all be sorry.
Here we are.
Ooh-la-la comes to Milwaukee.
Guys, we can't show the movie.
What do you mean "can't"?
Well, well, what does "can't" usually mean?
What's the matter?
Is your mom and dad still here?
No, no, they left, but the movie's canceled.
Canceled?!
You can't do that.
I've been running French coming attractions
through my head all afternoon.
Yeah, and I spent all day convincing my eyes
they were over 25.
I had a relapse.
A guy's gotta be in tip-top condition
to see French films, right?
Then loan us the projector.
All right.
Thanks.
Hey
Thanks.
All right. Thanks.
But I don't know where we're gonna show it.
I got it. We'll show it on the bathroom wall at Arnold's.
Sure, Potsie.
It'll look great with "Employees Must Wash Hands."
"Before Leaving" written across someone's belly.
Rich, are you sure you don't want to see it with us?
No. You have to go.
We're going, we're going, we're going.
All right. I'll see you.
Richie's acting awfully nervous.
Something's fishy.
Somebody's in there that shouldn't be in there.
Right.
Are you thinking what I'm
thinking? He's got a girl in there.
You're back.
We get it, Rich.
You do?
Yeah, you got a chick in here.
Who is it, Gloria or Mary Beth?
Listen, you guys gotta go 'cause I gotta go to sleep.
If you want us to go why are you holding onto us?
Shh! Are you crazy?
H
E
I I got it. "Helen".
Helen's here.
Who's Helen?
F Helf. What's that?
That's a P, stupid.
It's not "helf," it's "help."
He's writing help because there's a burglar
in the house and he needs help.
Is that right, Rich?
There's a burglar in the house?
Get in there, quick.
Okay.
Okay, where's the burglar, huh?
Where's the burglar?
Burglar, meet my friends, Ralph and Potsie.
You need to widen your circle of acquaintances.
These are the most useless friends I've ever seen.
A burglar.
Why didn't you just spell burglar?
You didn't get "help."
You think you would have gotten "burglar"?
Are you a real burglar or are you just kidding?
You want some proof?
No, no. Don't kill us.
Kidnap us instead.
I know my father will give you at least $886.
That's what he paid to have my teeth fixed.
What's with you guys?
Do I look like a kidnapper?
Well, a little around the eyes
Okay, okay, knock it off.
This is par for the course.
Now I got American Bandstand with all the kids.
I'm going to warn you these hands are registered
with the FBI as lethal weapons.
You'd better surrender.
Hah!
Ralph, how many times
do you have to pull that judo bluff
before you realize it just doesn't work?
He could have shot me.
At least I would have gone out fighting.
We gotta get outta here.
Why? It's safe here.
Well, I'm gonna see this film even without a projector.
I can't believe what's happening here.
This man is taking everything that my family owns
and you guys are just sitting around.
Now, we gotta go for the police.
Well, how we gonna get out?
I've been gypped!
I ordered French Sun Bathing films
and look what I got.
People playing volleyball on the beach.
Dressed.
I bet it's not even in France.
Look, will you forget the films?
I got an idea.
Look, one of us can climb through the window,
out into the tree, jump down
and run for help, all right?
Great idea!
Go ahead, Pots.
Oh I'm scared of heights.
Once I had to be rescued
on the balcony of a movie theater.
And I'm still weak from being sick.
Okay. Okay.
But I'm doing it under protest.
I'm supposed to be cute, not athletic.
Give me a hand.
Right. Let's go, Rich.
Up, up, okay.
Okay, guys, I'll see you soon with the bulls.
Cops good.
I wanna tell them about this film, too.
This isn't France.
Dumb plan, Rich.
He would have made it
if he wasn't afraid to jump out of the tree.
Get that.
Gimme the door.
Well, what are we gonna do now?
We need a real plan
and I think I've got one.
You do?
It's brilliant.
Brilliant.
Okay.
Here it is.
Pay close attention 'cause there'll only be one briefing.
Here's the door.
Potsie stands in the middle of the room, right here.
Richie stands next to him.
I'll stand next to the door by the light.
Potsie calls out and makes an excuse for the burglar
to open up the door.
Any questions so far?
What excuse?
Make one up, will you?
When he comes through the door,
I turn out the light and Potsie shoots him.
Oh, right. We don't have a gun.
I got it!
I got it!
You shoot him with this.
Then what do I do, shave him?
No.
Potsie shoots him in the face
and when he's blinded,
you knock him out of the way and run for help.
And, Rich, hit him low.
Roger, Ralph.
Okay, guys, in your places.
Let's go, let's go. Okay, let's go.
Let's go. Okay, ready?
Ready?
Potsie, go ahead.
Mr. Burglar.
Hey, hey, Mr. Burglar.
Ow!
What do you want?
I gotta get out, um it's an emergency.
What's wrong?
I gotta go to the bathroom.
No no, don't pay any attention to him.
He he breaks up when he's under pressure.
What pressure?
Richie got sick again.
He passed out.
We need a doctor.
Go, Rich! Make a break!
Go ahead, boy. Move!
All right.
Okay, is the children's hour over?
I got work to do.
What happened?
I held the can the wrong way.
Oh, Potsie, why don't you go over to the burglar's side?
We'd have a better chance.
Okay.
You guys are gonna help me carry that loot.
Follow me.
And I don't want any of that funny stuff.
Potsie, if you had half a brain, you'd be dangerous.
Oh, yeah?
Good comeback, Pots.
Malph, if you ever consider a life in crime, look me up.
I could use a good strong kid like you.
Great.
If I don't get into dental school,
you'll be the first one I call.
I can't believe this.
I'm helping a guy rob my own family.
One more load and you'll start to get over that.
What is this?
Open house at Boys' Town?
Who's there?
Some hood holding a pizza.
Get rid of him.
I'll be in the closet and remember
I can hear everything you guys say.
Come on, come on.
It's the, uh, it's the delivery boy
from Fonzarelli's Pizza.
Yeah, that's me.
How much do I owe you?
A buck seventy-five.
Very funny, very amusing.
Give me my money.
I only have 50 cents.
Hey, you order a pizza and you only got
you only got 50 cents?
Come on, give me the money.
I swear to God, there's a burglar in the closet.
Well, why didn't you say so?
Excuse me.
Well, call the cops.
All right, Fonz. That's great.
Why didn't we think of that?
Because you are you and I'm me.
Oh, yeah, that's why.
Hey, what's going on out there?
We just took you prisoner, that's what's going on.
Okay I'm gonna blast my way
outta here on the count of three.
One Hit the dirt!
Two
three!
Come on you guys, let me out.
He doesn't have a gun.
How'd you know he didn't have a gun?
There's an old saying among crooks
"He who steals with a gun in his hand gets ten years
to life in the can."
Oh, great.
I gotta get a hood who knows prison poetry.
Okay.
Okay, I lied.
I got no gun.
It's a can opener.
You gonna call the cops?
Hey, I got an image.
Oh, I'll call. I got no image.
Come on, will you?
A guy could starve.
All right, I gotcha.
What? No anchovies?
The Fonz comes through in a clutch.
To Fonzie, the best.
The best. The best.
All right.
All right, Joanie, on up to bed.
It's way past your bedtime.
Oh.
I bet the Vienna Choir Boys are still up.
Now, aren't you glad I took you to this movie, huh?
Oh, yes, dear.
That was just about the most exciting movie I ever saw.
It was just wonderful.
Hi. Hi.
I just came down to get some milk.
How was Cinerama?
Not so hot.
Not so hot? What do you mean?
You just got through I'm just trying to let on
we didn't have a good time.
It was, uh, mildly spectacular.
What time did Potsie and Ralph go home?
Oh, I guess they must have gone home
right after the police left.
The police?
What were the police doing here?
Well, they came to pick up the burglar.
What burglar?
Oh, right the burglar.
What burglar?
You know, Marion, the burglar.
Well, we'll see you in the morning, Son.
Good night.
Night.
Howard, what burglar?
He's been sick, Marion.
He's just dreaming.
Oh, poor Richard.
Well, come on up to bed now, dear, it's awful late.
Sunday, Monday, happy days Okay.
Tuesday, Wednesday, happy days ♪
Thursday, Friday, happy Days ♪
Watch out for the toaster, dear.
I see the toaster, Marion.
Hey, what's the toaster doing
in the middle of the living room?
Never mind, just put it on the coffee table
next to the vacuum.
This day is ours ♪
These are such happy days. ♪
Hello, sunshine, good-bye, rain ♪
She's wearing my school ring on her chain ♪
She's my steady, I'm her man ♪
I'm gonna love her all I can ♪
This day is ours ♪
Won't you be mine? ♪
Oh, happy days ♪
This day is ours ♪
Oh, please be mine ♪
Oh, happy days ♪
These happy days are yours and mine ♪
These happy days are yours and mine, Happy Days! ♪