Gilligan's Island (1964) s02e15 Episode Script

1
Just sit right back,
and you'll hear a tale ♪
a tale of a fateful trip ♪
that started from this tropic port ♪
aboard this tiny ship ♪
the mate was a mighty sailin' man ♪
the skipper brave and sure ♪
5 passengers set sail that day
for a 3-hour tour ♪
a 3-hour tour ♪
[thunder]
The weather started getting rough ♪
the tiny ship was tossed ♪
if not for the courage
of the fearless crew ♪
the minnow would be lost,
the minnow would be lost ♪
the ship's aground
on the shore of this ♪
uncharted desert isle ♪
with gilligan ♪
the skipper, too ♪
the millionaire and his wife ♪
the movie star ♪
the professor and Mary Ann ♪
here on gilligan's isle ♪
Oh, yes. I must have you promoted.
Are you sure you don't
want me to go along with you?
Thank you, Johnny. I know
exactly what I'm looking for.
Well, I'd feel a lot better if I was along.
Oh, no, Johnny. I can
take care of myself.
You just pick me up at 6 bells,
or whatever you sailors call cocktail hour.
Okay?
Yes, ma'am.
Ow!
Pardon me, I couldn't
This is what I like on a deserted island.
Coconuts, palm trees
And instant man.
And that's how we got
marooned on the island.
What a perfectly terrible story.
Oh, but it ends happily.
Because you see, the 7 of us
have managed to survive.
All men?
Well, no. There are 3 women.
Oh, I thought you said it ended happily.
But now with you and your yacht here,
we're gonna be rescued!
I just can't get over it!
Hi, skipper.
Hi, gilligan.
Hi, lady.
Hi, lady?
Hi, lady!
Are you sure he survived?
Gilligan, will you stop that?
How did she get here?
Well, her yacht is anchored
2 miles off shore.
Oh. Gilligan, will you stop
shaking her hand.
His mother must have been frightened
by a cocktail shaker.
Did you come here to rescue us?
Actually, I'm here to
look for a deserted island
to build a resort hotel.
Gilligan, this is the world-famous,
the world famous Erika Tiffany-Smith!
Wow! 3 names!
Much more. My is lady Erika Tiffany,
the countess of Capri,
the baroness of blenford,
and the duchess
of Devonshire and Smith.
Your parents must have
wanted a big family.
Oh, please. Let's not waste time talking.
We've got to tell the others
about Mrs. Tiffany-Smith and her yacht.
Oh, they'll be so happy.
Yeah, let's go, skipper!
Oh, Mr. Gilligan, you just run along.
The captain and I will follow closely.
Delighted!
Sure.
Yeah, you're for real.
Thank you, gilligan.
I can see you're for real, too!
Yeah!
My fair lady
Thank you.
And she's got diamonds and pearls,
and she's got her own yacht,
and she's coming here with the skipper,
and she's going to buy the island.
Doesn't seem to have a fever,
and his little nose is cold.
You haven't seen another
low-flying seagull, have you?
Or a pink whale?
No, it's a real lady, Mrs. Howell,
and her name is Erika Tiffany-Smith.
Erika Tiffany-Smith
did you hear that, lovey?
Erika Tiffany-Smith!
Thurston, we just can't be
rescued by her.
I resented that Smith woman
ever since her name
appeared before ours
in the social register.
But she was engaged to
the head of the committee.
Don't you remember?
Well, I think it's disgraceful
to use pull on the head of the committee.
I've a good mind
to cut him out of our will.
I'll go tell the girls.
No, wait. Ginger's taking a
sunbath in the palm grove.
You tell her, and I'll tell Mary Ann.
Right.
Thurston, I've decided
to be friendly but firm.
Cordial but cool.
Passive but polite.
But remember, she's terribly rich.
Oh, yes. I know that, dear.
But it's such new money.
Why, the ink is scarcely dry.
You know her fam
darling!
Lovey, darling!
You're looking wonderful.
Life has certainly been kind to you
Over the years.
Uh, thank you, Erika dear.
I always say lovely things about you, too.
No matter what anybody else says.
How sweet.
Oh, if it isn't thurston ho
well III, the wolf of wall St.
I thought I'd been forgotten.
Skipper, they're very good friends.
Yes, certainly.
May I get you a fan?
Thank you, captain.
Oh, to think of the thousands
of friends that we have,
and that you're the one
to come to our rescue.
I assure you, darling,
it's purely accidental.
Here's your fan.
Thank you, admiral.
May I get you some cold well water?
Yes, thank you.
Gilligan says that you're thinking of
buying our little island paradise.
Well, only if I love it.
Oh, thurston. I do
believe I'm going to have
one of my fainting spells.
Darling, perhaps you'd better lie down.
If you'll excuse me
I always have.
Now, we're going to expend every effort
to make you remember
your little stay on our island.
And your every wish is our desire
thurston, why don't you
try the direct approach?
Uh, what exactly do you mean?
Well, I would like to
know with whom do I deal
to buy this sand pile.
Well, it just so happens that I handle
all the financial transaction
on this little island.
Good. Then like one pirate to the other,
I would like to build a resort hotel here.
If the price is right.
Well, that's a minor detail. But
you've picked the right island.
Easily accessible to the mainland,
right in the middle of the shipping lanes,
and we have to put up camouflage nets
to keep the jets from landing.
Come on, darling. You know
that this island is so remote
it never even appeared on twilight zone.
Oh, you noticed, didn't you?
See, I want to build a hotel
for the people who are so rich,
that they don't even have names.
Only numbers in the Swiss bank.
My dear, a spa for the filthy rich!
Let's just call them rich.
Their personal habits don't interest me.
Well, what is that?
These are inmates on the island.
This is Mary Ann Saunders
Somers.
Somers. And this is professor Huntley.
Uh, Hinkley.
What beautiful deep-set eyes.
Oh, it's so wonderful to
meet you, Mrs. Tiffany-Smith.
That firm chin
I've read all about you.
Those broad shoulders
Mrs. Tiffany-Smith, you don't
know what a pleasure this is.
I certainly intend to find out.
Mr. Howell, I don't
even think she saw me.
Well, of course not. She
has something in her eye
A man.
Ginger!
Ginger!
Gin
what's wrong, gilligan?
Oh! The professor said
you were taking a sunbath.
So? You can open your eyes.
Oh, no!
Oh, come on. No, siree!
Open one. No!
Come on! No!
Hey, ginger! We're going to be rescued!
Do you have a fever?
No. I didn't see a pink whale or a seagull.
It's Erika Tiffany-Smith.
Erika Tiffany-Smith?
Yeah. She owns a bunch of
hotels, and she's got a yacht
ohh!
And she and she
guess she knows her, too.
Skipper, haven't you
heard the good news?
I heard.
We're being rescued by
Mrs. Erika Tiffany-Smith.
I know, ginger.
Well, gee whiz. I've read all about her.
You know, she owns a diamond mine,
and she owns a movie studio in Rome,
a-and she owns a, uh, railroad,
and she owns a movie studio in London,
and she owns, oh, a dozen newspapers,
and a movie studio in Hollywood.
Ginger, I know all that.
But all of that is unimportant to me.
Even the movie studios?
Ginger, I've got a problem.
I've got a real problem.
You're a girl, right?
Well, if you're not sure about that,
you have got a problem.
No, what I mean is
Ginger, I need some advice.
How can I get a beautiful,
fabulous woman
like Mrs. Tiffany-Smith to
To like an ordinary sailor like myself?
Oh, well, do all the right things.
But what can I do?
I mean, I've taken her for a walk.
I got her a chair. I got her a fan.
I got her some cold water. I got her a fan.
I mean, how am I doing so far?
Perfect. If you want a job as her Butler.
Oh, exactly. You mean I'm striking out.
Well, you're not even up at bat.
What can I do, ginger?
Well you have to be more romantic.
I mean, a woman like that
you have to treat gently.
You know, poetry and things.
Poetry?
Sure. Napoleon used it on Josephine,
and Romeo used it on Juliet,
Stanley used it on Marsha.
Stanley used it on Marsha?
Well, who are Stanley and Marsha?
Oh, they're the cutest couple.
They live next door to me in Hollywood.
You really should use it.
Okay, ginger. I will. And thanks.
Okay. I have to go now
and fix my hair and my
dress and everything.
Why?
She owns a movie studio in
Rome, a movie studio in London,
a movie studio in Hollywood.
Poetry, huh?
Oh, Mrs. Tiffany-Smith,
you're such a beautiful woman,
you remind me of a poem.
"The boy stood on the burning deck.
His feet were filled with blisters."
I thought all professors wore glasses.
Oh, not at all. My eyes are
emmetropic and completely refractable.
From here, they look blue.
Mrs. Tiffany-Smith, I must confess
that in the short time I've known
you, I find your personality
Overwhelming.
Professor, you're wonderful with words,
but there is something
to be said for action, too.
Well, I'm afraid I'm
accustomed to the academic life.
It's not often that I meet
such a sophisticated woman.
Come on, professor.
A sophisticated woman
is only a schoolgirl without her braces.
Oh, Mrs. Tiffany-Smith,
that's terribly witty.
An epigram worthy of wilde.
You know, professor, I've
never met anyone like you.
You fascinate me.
I?
Fascinate I?
Oh. Oh, no, no, no. Me.
Me is perfectly correct.
No. I'm merely surprised
that I fascinate you.
Surely, you've met all types of men.
But never anyone like you.
Tell me. What are your plans
when we go back to the United States?
Well, Mrs. Tiffany-Smith
darling, please call me Erika.
Certainly, Mrs I-I mean, Erika.
You see, there is something
I have in mind,
something I should like to ask you, but
I find it terribly difficult to be emotional.
Even with me?
What's the difference?
As long as we understand each other.
Exactly! Now, you see,
I am terribly interested
in doing research work.
So am I.
Wonderful! Oh, it has
always been my dream
to have someone by my side,
someone who was interested
in what I was doing.
Professor, meet you dream.
You mean
Of course!
Oh, so much has happened to me today,
I don't know what to say or what to do.
You'll think of something.
And if you don't, I will.
Hi, professor.
Oh, I'm sorry, gilligan.
I'm afraid I've been
indulging in a bit of reverie.
That's funny. I could've sworn
you were just sittin' there thinking.
Mrs. Tiffany-Smith, for
reasons which I can't explain,
has taken a fancy to me.
She's consented to work with me,
side by side, hand in hand, toe to toe.
Sounds more like you're going
to have a sack race together.
Together, we shall burst
through the wall of ignorance
and discover one of the
most important things in life.
What's that?
The mating cycle of the
angle worm. Terribly important.
Yeah, must be. Especially
to the angle worm.
You know, I believe she'd assist me
in building a laboratory.
She's been hinting at it, but I'm not sure.
Why don't you ask her?
Gilligan, beneath that
bumbling and stumbling exterior,
you have a mind which moves swiftly
and directly to the point. Thank you.
Well, that's okay, professor.
If you got any problems,
I'll be happy to help.
A tour of our island paradise, I think,
will convince you of it merits, my dear.
Thank you, but I
already found what I want.
Well, then a few moments of chitchat,
and we can agree upon the price.
I think whatever it
will cost will be worth it.
Erika, there is something
I should like to ask you.
The answer is yes!
Knowing that I'm just a professor,
and that you're one of
the most famous women
congratulate us, thurston.
I accepted the professor.
Well, congratulations, my
boy. You've won the noble prize.
Or is it the Nobel prize
that you chaps win?
I have?
She may give you Yale
as a wedding present.
However, hold out for dear old Harvard.
If he wants to,
he can have a matched set.
I'm afraid I'm a bit bewildered.
Don't worry, darling. I'll UN-bewilder you.
Best wishes, Erika.
Congratulations, old man.
Be good to her.
Come on, darling. Come.
Hi, professor.
Oh, hi, ginger.
I'm Mary Ann.
Oh. Of course.
I don't know what I'm doing
or what I'm saying.
For one thing, you put your
right shoe on your left foot.
Oh, dear.
Oh, so much
has happened to me so fast
that I find it incomprehensible.
Well, it's really very simple, professor.
You and Erika Tiffany-Smith
are going to get married
and live happily ever after.
I hope so.
You know, hers is a world
of high society and gay resorts,
and mine is one of work, work, work.
The question is,
which world will we live in?
Gee, it would be nice
if you both lived in the same one.
The captain seems upset.
Well, Erika, in the game of love,
some must win and some must lose.
Yes, but they still deserve
something for entering the race.
Perhaps a silver loving cup
inscribed, "good show, old man."
No, I have a much better idea.
Admiral, how would you like
to be the captain of my yacht?
Captain of that beautiful yacht of yours?
Oh, say, that's very nice of you.
It will be a novelty to have a real sailor.
May I ask a big favor?
Of course, granting favors is
one of my favorite indoor sports.
Heh heh.
Could I sign my little buddy
here on as first mate?
Him?
Well, don't let looks deceive you.
I mean, really, he's got
the heart of a lion,
and the fierceness of a tiger,
and the loyalty of a bulldog.
Alright, put a leash around
him and bring him aboard.
Skipper, you're a real pal.
Now I'm gonna have my love
show me around the island.
Goodbye, you guys.
Bye.
Hey, skipper, imagine that?
Being captain of that big yacht?
That's really somethin'.
Oh, I'll be the best skipper she ever had.
I'd do anything for that woman.
I'm glad to hear you say that.
Why?
Because as captain, your
first duty will be to marry them.
Did you have to bring that up
did you have to, huh?!
Marry them
You know, some men
may have grown despondent
over being marooned on a desert island,
but I found it rewarding.
I found it rewarding, too.
I'll never forget my first week here.
Do you know that I discovered
5 different mutations of ragweed?
As long as we discovered each other.
Oh, you have such strong hands.
Well, that's because
I do a good deal of writing.
Why, I spend 3 hours a day just
cataloging the flora and the fauna.
The moonlit nights
must be beautiful here.
Oh, that's true.
Sometimes the stars are so clear,
you can count the trianguli australis
and the corona borealis.
A moonlit swim under the desert sky
With a warm wind blowing
through the palm trees.
Erika, how wonderful.
Do you know you're
the first woman I've ever met
who showed an interest in palm trees?
Did I?
Look at that tree over there.
It's a pomaceous indignaceous cunicus.
Very rare species with
a very interesting fruit.
I wonder if Adam and Eve
started this way?
And look, have you ever seen
a more perfect example
of the tartarocus or common turtle?
Isn't that exciting?
Heh. I suppose it's very exciting
To another turtle.
Yes.
Yes, I suppose it is.
[Knock on door]
Come in.
Oh, it's you.
That, ginger, is exactly
the type of reaction
I seem to be getting from women.
I thought that you and Mrs. Tiffany-Smith
were engaged to be married.
Well, the more time I spend with her,
the farther away from me
she seems to be drifting.
What have you been doing?
Showing her the island, pointing
out the various jungle growths,
discussing microbiology.
Why, do you know that
I was fortunate enough
to come across a gig anti us rosinius,
and she wasn't the least bit impressed?
Professor, um, when
you were in your teens,
didn't you ever go to a drive-in movie?
Once, but the curvature of the screen
and the fidelity of the sound
made it impossible to enjoy the picture.
Let me start again.
In your hometown,
didn't you ever meet a girl
whose house had a porch swing?
As a matter of fact, I did.
Oh, but she was quite impossible.
I tried to start intelligent conversations,
but all she was interested in
was hugging and kissing,
kissing and hugging.
Professor, don't knock it till you tried it.
Well, if that's the way to win Erika,
then I'm afraid I haven't got a chance.
I don't even know the first thing about it.
Professor, school is now open.
School?
You've come to the right teacher.
Want a lesson?
Well, perhaps that would be advisable.
Up. Put your arms around me.
Mmm
What's it gonna be, 2 out of 3 falls?
I'm afraid I don't understand.
Well, put your both arms around me.
Oh, alright.
You can hold me a
little tighter. I won't break.
Well, I I don't want to crush your dress.
Try.
Now kiss me.
On the lips, professor.
On both of them? At once?
It's the only way to fly.
How was that?
That wouldn't even satisfy your mother.
Professor, I don't know
if you're ready for this,
but it's for your own good.
That, professor, is what
Mrs. Tiffany-Smith wants.
What do you think?
Uh interesting, ginger.
But how am I going to get her
to get me into this position?
Uh, let's get down to business, shall we?
You're right, darling, fun
and game time is over.
With a little diligent work and
a few measly million dollars,
you could turn this island
into a playground par excellence
with golf, tennis, Polo,
etcetera, etcetera, etcetera.
That's the trouble, darling.
There hasn't been any etceteras at all.
I'm afraid our professor
isn't the great lover.
You can say that again.
Does that mean you're not
going to buy the island?
On the contrary, but
only under one condition.
Why is there always one condition?
Well, darling, he's such a nice man,
and I don't want to hurt him.
Can you explain to him that
I'm not the right woman for him?
I shall bend every effort, and I
come from a long line of effort benders.
You know, when I told
him that I'm 36-22-36,
he said, my, what a wonderful I.Q.
That man must be blindfolded
from the inside, really.
Alright, darling, I'll be back
for you people in 2 hours.
2 hours. Cheers, my dear.
Now to explain it to the professor.
Ah, professor, getting
caught up with your road work?
Oh, Mr. Howell, no, no, no.
I'm just trying to come to a decision.
Well, Erika has returned to her yacht,
and the launch will pick the rest of us up
in about 2 hours.
Well, perhaps I can tell her then.
Well, there's something
that I must tell you first.
Now, no offense meant, you see
Erika feels the two of you
are mismatched.
That a union would be utter folly.
What a coincidence.
I was just about to tell her
that, although I admired her,
the differences in our
individual psychologies,
our intellectual patterns,
our divergent approach
to life and its basic needs,
made our future
happiness an impossibility.
Well, I'm glad I told you first.
By the time you finished that speech,
you'd be celebrating your
fifth wedding anniversary.
[Thundering]
[Wind blowing]
[Crashing thunder]
Wow! Whoo!
Oh, never mind the storm, gilligan.
We've got to get packed.
I'll tell you what you do.
You go down to the lagoon
and see if Mrs. Tiffany-Smith
has returned, alright? Go ahead.
Ohh!
Uhh!
Batten down the hatches!
Tear up the mainsail!
Lower the gear!
Gilligan, I told you to go to the lagoon,
now will you go to the la goo
you go to the lagoon, I'm
not going down to no lagoon.
I'm positive Erika shall return for us.
She gave us her word, and
her word is as good as mine.
Perhaps even better.
It's been 3 days since the storm ended.
She's had enough time to return.
Gilligan, do you see anything yet?
All I see are 2 flying fish and a seagull.
Look, I'm bleary-eyed.
I've been up here 9 hours.
Can I come down now?
Alright, you can come down now.
What are you doing, skipper?
I'm not taking any chances.
Every time gilligan comes out of a tree,
he always comes down on top of me.
Well, this time I'm gonna be safe.
Ohh!
Uhh!
[Humming]
Oh, gilligan, please, no
souvenirs in the sea chest.
Sorry, Herman.
A turtle. Of all the silly
things to put in a sea chest.
[Humming]
Gilligan, I told you no more
souvenirs in the sea chest.
Now get out with those. Out!
Out!
Bring anything else in,
I'll personally throw it out!
Guess what I got now?
Throw it out, gilligan.
Gilligan, what are you
oh, gilligan, will you please stop that?
You told me.
Skipper, you'd better unpack.
Unpack?
Listen.
Radio newsman: Erika, all
america is waiting breathlessly
to hear about your adventure.
Erika: It was marvelous, darling.
Simply marvelous.
I found the most
wonderful group of people
on the cutest little island.
But the Navy reports that they
can't decode your logbook.
Hmm, I don't know why.
It's written in plain English,
translated from Hungarian, of course.
Well, that explains it.
I'll read it to you.
We took a left turn by a big,
beautiful, pink tropical flower,
and then pulled over and parked.
I'm afraid that's hardly Navy talk.
Well, a child could understand it.
After the storm, we backed
up and made a u-turn.
But the Navy must know the
exact latitude and longitude
in order to find those people.
Darling, there's nothing to worry about.
Every day they will send
me a sailor to talk to.
Some day we will find them.
Well, skipper, what do you think?
Professor, I think we're gonna
be here for a long, long time.
Oh, well, in that case
Gilligan, what are you doing?
This is hilda.
She was gonna keep Herman company.
Will you get that Out of here!
Now this is a tale of our castaways ♪
they're here for a long, long time ♪
they'll have to make the best of things ♪
it's an uphill climb ♪
the first mate and his skipper, too ♪
will do their very best ♪
to make the others comfortable ♪
in their tropic island nest ♪
no phone, no light ♪
no motor cars, not a single luxury ♪
like Robinson crusoe ♪
it's primitive as can be ♪
so join us here each week, my friends ♪
you're sure to get a smile ♪
from 7 stranded castaways ♪
here on gilligan's isle ♪