Trollied (2011) s02e15 Episode Script

1 Just to remind all customers, Trolled Behind the Scenes, coming soon.
Valco - serves you right.
Valco - serves you right.
Today, we open the doors on a new Valco.
Ian, open the doors.
You what? Open the bastard doors.
Right.
Yeah.
I think what Trollied does, it allows you to take that very familiar environment and just show you the characters that you come across every day.
Do you know where the dog food is? Why are you asking me?! Do I look like a dog to you? It's observational comedy, I think that's why people really relate to it.
I tried doing this in my mum's kitchen, but I just didn't get the same buzz.
She doesn't stock enough cornflakes.
In fact, she doesn't stock any because me and my brother aren't allowed high glycemics.
Do you know what? I could knock one out just thinking about her.
My mum? You've got people who like The Office and things like that, so the shot and the delivery of it, but then it's also big and funny for people who like outright comedy.
Yeah.
You know, this seems like it might be, what's the word? Illegal.
Just take your top off.
Who knows what you've got stuck under there.
Ring the bells! The setting is something that's familiar to everybody.
Hey.
Wow.
Hang on a second.
I think there's a two-for-one on these.
Yeah.
It's two for one.
Go and get another one.
It's free! Everyone goes to a supermarket, so everyone knows what happens in the supermarket.
Perhaps not the Queen, but most people do.
And I think, with our little vignettes we put in as well, gives it a quality that everyone can relate to.
Well, it's ordinary people in the work place, you know, they have a bit of fun.
The action takes place in the lulls between serving customers.
Come on, Julie.
Let's get you up, shall we? All right, hold on tight.
We're going to go for a nice little ride.
The actors are, I would say, number one.
They are excellent.
A bit good, innit? Stuck a really good cast together.
Apart from you.
Apart from me.
I watched a documentary last night about how all the penguins' homes are melting.
This documentary wasn't called Happy Feet by any chance, was it? Every single one of them has a really interesting and distinctive character.
Will you get off your high horse? I'm not on a high horse, and can we keep it down? The customers might hear.
Good! Maybe they'll wake up and realise that this place is a dump! There's such warmth to the characters and their relationships, and people watch it and go, "Do you know what? "That is what life is like.
" Kieran just has to ask Andy a question to be launched into a world of nonsense.
These days there's pitta, focaccia, baguettes - you have to speak five languages just to ask for the stuff.
Not this again.
And don't get me started on falafels.
How many times? Falafel's not a bread.
Typical.
They've even got you fooled.
You've got the stuff with let's say Rita.
Rita's character she's of a different generation.
Didn't you hear the alarm? Oh, that.
Oh, I thought that was one of them funny mobile phone rings.
It was a simulated evacuation replicating the exact conditions of a real fire.
Oh, my God.
Margaret, you've burnt to death.
Have I? We have spats, don't we, as well? We have fall outs this time.
One minute we're laughing and the next minute we're falling out.
Just cos you're pregnant doesn't mean you can do whatever you want.
I've only taken my shoes off.
Yeah.
And what's next, your bra? Don't be daft, I've already taken that off.
There's so many different characters, I think, there's someone who someone likes.
And especially this series.
They're a little rough round the edges.
They're no-nonsense.
Who better to get people to try no-nonsense food? We haven't even been trained.
I don't do standing up.
The writers have made it their aim to really immerse themselves in supermarket life.
People who actually work in supermarkets are always tweeting Faye and I, saying, "That's exactly like my job.
" This girl came running after me, she worked on the deli, and said, "Oh, will you sign this photograph?" And they've stuck it up behind deli.
I think what they've done with series two, which is even better again, it's got more story led across the whole series.
I'm meeting Your boyfriend.
He's not my boyfriend - he's my friend.
Yeah.
Me and Emma used to be friends.
You'll be walking down the aisle before you know it.
Bloody hope not.
I've got a bit more living to do first.
The writers, I think, over the course of the first two series, have really got to know the characters that they're writing for.
There's far more narrative in this, so there's a lot of storylines for the audience to follow.
So that you really are following the journey of certain characters and what's happening to them with their relationships.
I love you.
You what? I said I love you.
Oh, my God.
People who like the first one, I think, the second one, for me, personally, I think it's much stronger.
Nothing to do with our parts being bigger, you know, it's just You got a bit going on up there, ain't ya? As well as down there.
Oh.
Is it the biggest you've been with? Hmm.
Top 40.
Valco - serves you right.
Oh.
The process that we begin with, really, is to look at the script With as many members of the cast as you can corral together.
Sit around a great big table and just hear those words for the first time, coming off the page.
I'm going to have to call it back, that's knocked me for six! Very often, some of them are off doing other projects, but you try and get the hard core of your cast there.
It was weird, because she wasn't there, and the girl who read in for Faye was absolute She was a lovely girl, but oh, my God, I really felt it.
Why not try our two-for-one Yule logs? You alright if I nip home for 10? Yeah, why? I think I need a Yule log of my own.
Miss me, Sue? I did miss you, Linda.
Aw.
I did.
Could Katie please come to customer services, please? That's Katie to customer services.
- Thank you.
- Eww! For a comedy, the read-through is really important, hearing the characters come alive.
It's like you've thrown everybody else over the top rope of a wrestling ring.
And the winner of the match is Gavin! Ooh.
I feel like hugging you again.
Really, no need.
We tend to get them in scripts of four or five, so you've only got the scripts that you're going to have the read through for.
You've read it to yourself, generally, the night before.
Particularly if you're busy working on something else, you don't have much time to prepare for one.
I'm going to go in there and tear it a new one.
Maybe you should just start by showing them your CV.
This is my CV, these are my qualifications.
When we all come together, we're all really nervous, thinking, "Oh, I hope I don't mess up a line or anything", which I do all the time.
Congratulations, madame, you are our millionth customer.
Why thank you, miss.
I can't believe my luck.
I don't find Julie difficult to play at all.
I mean, I've got a very firm voice in my head.
One minute you're a mild-mannered store manager, and then next you're a superhero.
It's based on somebody that I know, so that is very easy to remember.
Oh! Amazing Gavin! OK.
No need to go overboard.
Most us do try and give it some welly and give it a bit of attack.
Lord above, I've only gone and tried to answer my personal phone instead of my work one.
! Oh, you couldn't make it up! You try to keep alive by engaging with somebody and making sure that you're not just looking down.
Come on.
You enjoy a game of hide the sausage as much as the next girl.
Sorry.
The read-through is a chance for the writers and producers to just see the overall shape of an episode.
And then, after that, you can modify and tweak the writing a little bit.
We obviously make it as funny as we can so, after the reader.
Can really get into what's working comedically, what could be strengthened before we've got our final script.
Valco - service with a smile, innit? You guys believe that? Guys? And cut there.
We did 13 episodes, series two.
And, as you know, another 13 have been commissioned for series three.
Paul Walker did the first five, and he had done the whole of series one, I did the next four and then Paul Murphy did the last four.
It wouldn't actually be physically possible for one director to do all of them It would, well, it would kill you! Let me just get get the bread back in there.
Cut! The production team will be scheduling the project.
You can't have all the actors with you all the time.
A lot of them aren't available all the time, so the schedule is very tight.
Don't worry, you will get away by five to four.
Before I go onto the set for filming, I've got to go in there with a pretty solid idea about how that scene should be blocked.
Working our roughly where I'm going to place the actors in a given scene.
It's the blocking that determines how many camera angles we're going to need, so I can work out pretty much how long it's going to take to film a scene.
Tony, your focus was on him, wasn't it? Put in on her all the time.
On her? Yeah.
It's good to have a plan, cos then you can always change that plan.
But, ultimately, you are working with actors that are coming in with their own ideas.
Or you might change your idea when you see them interacting.
So it's my job to bend a little bit, find out what it is that they want to do.
Just for that cos I think that will be better.
You know, with comedy, things happen, there's little bits of magic happen, particularly with these guys.
Speaking of magic, stick around for part two, as we race up and down the aisles for the trolley dash scene.
And we get up close and personal with the cast What was that? Who tell us about their favourite Trollied moments.
She went, "No.
Really go for it", and I just went "Rah!" If you don't like our Valco family, I've a very strong suggestion as to what you should do.
Have you? Well Let me hear it.
You can tender your resignation at head office, in accordance with policy 54A TO 56D, and I shall follow it up with a phone call to them in the morning.
I think Trollied works because it is such a warm comedy.
What's incredible is that there's never been a comedy before that is set in a supermarket.
It's perfect in many ways, because you've got a self-contained environment.
This is just a drill, but we do have to behave as if it's a real fire.
The reason there hasn't been a comedy set in a supermarket before is because you can't get in a supermarket to film.
Supermarkets are open all the time.
I'm sorry you had to see this, everybody.
I didn't want everybody knowing that I'm on a wedge more than them, but I have been here for years so.
Would you look at that, Andy Richmond, Ј7.
37 an hour - same as me.
Did they miss a zero off or something? Unbe lievable.
I think you get the best comedy coming out on screen if you're having a laugh off screen.
Looking at my shoes? It's such a good crowd.
The crew, the cast, you know, everybody.
The producers just said, as well, do you two go everywhere together? I said, "Yeah.
We eat together.
The only thing we don't do is sleep together.
" Well, we do.
A little bit.
A little bit.
Everybody gets on really well and, you know, and we all like having a laugh.
You've kind of got a playground to play in, really.
Have you ate? We're quite naughty and just mess about all the time and talk too much, and eat crisps.
I wouldn't know anything about that.
I can't possibly comment.
Sometimes it just, you know, you can hear the volume level just kind of rising.
And you go, "It's out of control.
" Which can be frustrating for the crew, when they're trying to get shots done and stuff, and we're just arse-ing around.
It kind of goes crazy after a while.
Actually, we do it in here for ages and look.
Look at it.
Fortunately, I had a fantastic first assistant on this who managed to kind of bring it down a little bit at times.
But it makes the day seem slightly shorter.
As a group of people, they're as funny off screen as they onscreen.
What? What was that? There are times when the directors don't necessarily call cut, immediately the scene's finished.
Different directors work differently, so some directors will let us Paul did let us, cos we did actually ask him.
I'll always do a little bit extra and I'll either get told, "No.
"Don't do that", but if it works, they'll let you.
Would you like to try out new no-nonsense range, sir? You bell-end? You look such a tit.
Shuttup.
The girls on customer services, they do a lot of improvisation.
Tah-dah! She boots me.
But she says, "Please do it hard.
" I said, "Do it so I've got a natural reaction.
" Next minute, boom! Ow! And the director went, "Faye, can you just tame it down a bit?" I went, "That was my actual real reaction.
" You and your gob.
Aw, don't, I feel awful.
You're right, love, she's mental.
The comic elements, people can make it as big as they want, especially for the bigger characters.
It's really nice because they're bigger than life, they can have fun, they can mess around.
Like, other day, I had to think of a load more to put in, so a put a new one in of farting.
Really sexy, actually.
All that training.
People said she never make it.
My parents are so proud of me.
You'd be surprised how much improv there is actually in it.
Doo-doo And very often you'll see it on screen.
You know, you've thought of a funny line and it's been used.
But you'd never ever know it was improv because everyone's been playing the characters for ages now, so they've just got it down.
Can you tell me where the batteries are, please? Eh aisle nine.
OK.
Thank you.
Arg! You see we have to move our own scenery as well.
We had 20 days to film four episodes, so that's working out at five days per episode.
Because you can just about keep that amount of stuff in your head at one time.
We're taking the script onto the set and we're starting to kind of visualise it, working out where the comedy lies.
Let her go out and become Jason.
How do you get continuity between those three directors? Because we all coming with our own ideas.
In this instance you have to be careful, because there's a very strong look, a very strong style to Trollied.
The grammar of the show, the way the show looks and the way it's filmed is pretty much, kind of, in stone, really.
There are some rules that you have to adhere to.
And the producers and Ash at the top of the tree are always going to make sure that that's the way that it's shot.
Can we have Joe in the background? The camera is invariably very far away from the actors.
It lets the audience just be away from the action and just makes it feel naturalistic.
And you try and give it a slightly different flavour when you can.
Stop it! It's got to be fresh, otherwise the viewers aren't going to want to watch it.
They don't just want to watch a clone of last week's ep I was imagining that Dom would be a bit further away from the mirror so we could see Carl on the inside, rather than the outside.
Today we're doing a trolley dash, which is really fun.
One million! I think that costume was pretty harsh and embarrassing.
Going to the toilet was the major issue.
Let's get you down there.
Let's see those smiles in the aisles.
I think it was a great idea in the writing to have this millionth customer - brilliant.
Although, not officially the millionth.
The millionth customer since the till software went in.
And when your minute's up, you'll hear this noise.
They get to basically do a Supermarket Sweep scenario, and get as much stuff as they can from a couple of particular aisles.
So no booze aisle, then? No.
Right, let's get this show on the road.
Katie, take it away.
The lady playing the millionth customer is just hilarious.
I don't like her.
Shuttup.
Don't trust her.
She's totally brilliant.
You say "Valco peeled plum tomatoes", I say "Valco peeled plum tomatoes".
Four tins of the things, and some beans.
And the ready-made past sauces.
Obviously pulling no favour here.
No booze.
Go on, love! You know, it's all scripted, but then there was room for improvising.
Just keep the whole thing going.
Gosh, she's fast - like a greyhound.
Shuttup! Where's she going next? Oh, it's breakfast time, here.
Not liking her oats, there.
Little bit of an insight into this young lady's domestic life.
I made the decision to use three cameras on the trolley dash.
I think I had about an hour and a half to block it through, so that we know where everything's going to be.
It was a long day because you were doing it over and over in different angles, all that stuff, and trying to match what you were doing before - while keeping it fresh.
Lookout, Popeye, because she's taking olive oil.
A lot of olive oil.
Treat yourself.
Better watch out, Popeye, because she's going for the olive oil.
That's quite a lot of olive oil, actually.
Do you really need all that?! These big grump scenes are really fantastic.
We've just been in the background.
And said nothing.
And said nothing.
I mean, I'm not really in it yet.
Just knocking around the peripheries because Colin wouldn't give a shit.
A lot miming.
A lot of Woo! Get the beans.
Miming, Lorraine.
Andy's telling Kieran that, if it was his choice, he would go for Tinned tuna, fill me trolley with the stuff.
Why? Probably the most exciting thing to happen in Valco since it opened.
Bloody hell! Katie! That's it.
There you go.
Thank you.
No, that's it.
That's all right.
Not one tin of tuna.
Idiot.
Valco - serves you right.
Trollied works because it is such a warm comedy.
The relationships that are formed between people in the show, it's kind of like a big family.
Everyone likes Mark Addy's character.
Do you mind knocking? Sorry, Lorraine.
Andy, when he goes into Stephanie Beacham and tries to kind of woo her, it is brilliant.
I've never seen you looking so lovely as you did tonight Get out.
Very funny.
Hilarious.
I think the way Mark does it, it's very funny.
I'll let you have a goon Kieran if Out! Joel Fry, he's worked for three days solid because of a mistake on the rota and he is falling asleep at work.
Leighton! Arg! Don't hurt me! I've been a good girl! Oh.
That's alright.
I think you were dreaming.
We've got Is, he's brilliant, isn't he? Fantastic.
He plays our customer.
Slippers.
They don't fit.
We don't even sell slippers.
You do.
Sir, we do not, and never have, sold slippers.
Yes, you have.
And then he came with a shepherd's pie.
Really, really funny scene.
He's really, really angry.
My mate got 100 quid's worth of vouchers for an off bun.
I'm sorry.
We can offer you another pie, but that's it.
He just wants some money back.
All the time.
We're not giving you anything back.
How am I meant to know it's off if I can't eat it? Just smell it.
I've got no sense of smell.
Well, get your wife to smell it.
I haven't got a wife.
There was a scene in episode seven where Stephanie Beacham's character Lorraine Chain, bullies Jane Horrocks' character Julie.
She's like a well-trained little puppy.
Makes her bark like a dog.
Go on, then.
Woof.
She actually is quite dark, unlike what had gone before it.
Woof! Louder.
Woof! Faye brings her photographs in from holidays It's one of her, like, topless and then I go Nice baps, by the way.
Aw, do you think? I say, "Let's have a feel.
" But I was obviously really tensing and she went, "No.
Really go for it", and I just went, "Rah!" Oh! Stop it! There's an episode in which Rita May, who plays Margaret, she's been given a pedometer.
Ooh! But she calls it a peado-meter.
What's with all the marching? Oh.
I'm using my new peado-meter.
I hope nobody's offended at that.
455, is that all? That's the time, Margaret.
It's a watch.
But it hasn't got any fingers.
It's a digital watch.
Oh! The first episode, which was set in the canteen.
Surprise! Julia's organised a leaving party for Gavin, which goes horribly wrong.
What the fudge?! Move! Turn it off! Leave it.
Julie's character is like the, the porn comes on, she covers her hands with the we laughed at that.
It was a full day where all the cast was here.
When Jane first seen it, as her character, she went "Arg!" Arg! We love working with her.
Love her.
I hate her.
Can we say that? What you whispering for, then.
I don't know.
In case everybody else hates me.
Surprise! Valco - serves you right.
We may have come to the end of the aisles for series two, but don't miss the first ever Christmas episode, with all the trimmings and some very special guests.
Well, I happen to know what happens in the Christmas special.
There will be enough in it, I hope, to warrant the word special.
Just have to wait, won't we? Like everyone else, we'll have to wait for the Christmas special.
Thank you for shopping at Valco.
Valco serves you right.
Or it's like that.
Thank you for shopping at Valco.
Lorraine! Oh!