8 Simple Rules (2002) s02e17 Episode Script

1
Hey, Rory; What
you doing over there?
I typed up a list of stuff
I'm gonna sell online.
People will buy anything.
Rory; Give it up.
No one's gonna give you
any cash for your crap.
They will at:
'SellYourCrapForCash.com'
Rory; You can't sell
all your toys.
These are your
childhood memories.
Mom; I've got a
girlfriend now.
Childhood memories don't pay
for the movies, popcorn
and the lattes.
Lattes?
- Yeah; Missy's an uptown girl.
I married an uptown girl.
"And now I live in my
daughter's basement".
Well, I do.
Hey; 'Von trapps';
Don't get up!
I think congratulations
are in order.
You're looking at
the new security
consultant for
'Franklin Glen Mall'
You're a mall cop?
Bridget; Listen to me.
It's not that hard
I'm a security consultant
at the mall.
Wow; First College
and now, a job.
You're almost ready
for big-boy pants.
Yk; I dropped your
comb in the toilet this morning.
Mom;
There's an art program
in Europe this summer
and our teacher's
recommended a bunch of us.
It's only $2.000. Can I go?
- Oh; Only $2.000.
Well, sure; I'll just let
one of the houseboys go.
Hey; If she doesn't go, can
we get some houseboys?
Mom; I've allways wanted
to see Florence and Paris
and immerse myself
in the art world.
She just wants to see the
statue of David's 'Wiener'.
- Real mature!
- Yeah. come on, Rory.
She wants to see
his butt, too -Nice -Nice.
Oh, come on! Mom; Can I go?
Please, please, please.
Well, honey; As compelling as
C.J. and Rory's arguments is
and as much as I would
love you to go.
It's $2000.
Yk; When Bridget need
extra money, she got a job.
Oh my God!
Never been used as
an example before.
Okay, Well;
No one is hiring.
What are you
talking about?
There are help-wanted signs all
over the food court at the mall.
Forget it! I will never, ever
work in a disgusting food court.
Welcome to Davy Crockett's.
Remember The Alamo
Burger.
Oh! Look at my little
girl. Her first job!
Her skin's gonna
break out so bad.
All right, honey. Smile!
Say "Cheese
Burguer".
Shoot me;
Shoot me now!
It's so humiliating that
Kerry has to wear that.
I know.
Couldn't you at least get her
a job at strip or something?
Yeah; But then we
couldn't do this.
- Ew!! Red hair in my Burger!!
- Ewww!!
Okay; Stop it!
It's still not funny!
Hi! Welcome to David Crockett's.
Remember the pie 'Alamo-De'
Ladies;
Bridget;
I saw you
swipe that drink
I didn't swipe anything.
Refillls are free.
No, no; 'Ma Barker'
Let me tell you something.
Only free refills
are free; Okay?
Guess how much
35c refills cost?
Don't get a brain cramp.
Tell you what
I'm gonna let you two slide
on this one with a warning.
But I got my eye
on you; Ok?
Hey, Mr. 'Rent-a-cop'; We're so-
Hey! No, no no Shush!!
What are you gonna do?
Take us to mall jail?
Don't you laugh at me.
Don't you laugh at -
Look at Kerry!
Ahhh
Thank you. Your're
number 79
Zach!!
What is going on?
We're out of fries again?
Ok;
Here's an idea.
When you take out on batch
of fries, put another one in.
It'll almost be like we're in
the business of selling them!
God! How did you
get this job anyway?
I was like: 'I need a job'
And they were like: 'Okay'
That's a fascinating story.
Now, Get back to work!!
Hennessy!
You're scaring everybody.
- Sorry.
No, no, no! don't be.
You know, Kerry;
I think you got what it takes to
make it, in The
Fast-Food Industry.
What's that -
More skills than Zach?
I was gonna, like,
ask you out
but you can, like
now forget it.
Don't worry about him.
He's still gonna
ask you out.
But you can't go
because rank and file
can't date.
Assistant Managers!
Assitant Manager?
But I've only worked
here five days.
Yeah! And you showed
up for all five!
That's a new Davy
Crockett record.
So, what do you think?
Well;
I'm mortified.
This job was supposed to
get me to Italy and France.
Not become my career.
It's an extra buck-50 an hour.
'Merci Beaucoup'.
Well; The money is rolling in
I'm this much closer to a night
on the town with my lady.
Rory; Wait a minute. You've
already gotten paid?
But all this stuff is still
sitting in the dining room.
You haven't even
sent it off yet.
Oooh, I get it;
Maybe it's just to hard to say
'Goodbye' to piggy 'McPig Pig'.
Shhh. It's just crap.
Even though he was
your first kiss?
Shut up!
And it's 'she'
-Ah -Aghh.
Besides going to the post
office is just such a hassle.
Well; It's gonna be
even a bigger hassle,
when people start
canceling their checks.
Repossessing your couch.
Taking you to Court.
Leaving you no alternative but
to change your name to initials.
Hypothetically.
Oh! You have no
idea how hard it it,
to run an efficient
hamburger stand.
You are right.
I wouldn't know anything about
feeding a bunch of hungry
angry teenagers who want what
they want, when they want it.
Let me tell you: It's not easy.
You know, I just have
to say I think it is great
that everyone in this
house is working.
Except grandpa; Slacker.
Now, now, grandpa has
worked his entire life
unlike you, who has worked
for what? Five minutes?
Nonetheless, I'm very
proud of all of you.
It's not easy with all
these mouths to feed.
Are you listening,
grandpa?
Is that what I am?
Another mouth to feed?
Oh, no, no, dad.
It's just a saying.
Don't let C.J. get
under your skin.
Yeah, C.J. When are you
gonna start contributing?
Now that you've got that
prestigious mall-cop job.
I don't even live here anymore
I am totally self-sufficient.
By the way, this isn't chunky.
Well; I can't even
stop by for a snack?
No, no, no; Come by any time
for a $5 jar of peanut butter.
Well; Look at 'Goodbye
Mr. Chips', over there.
He's got more food in the hair on
his chest, than I eat in a month!
Oh! That is such a lie!
Well, now, come on, dad.
You got to admit
you like your chips.
What are you saying?
Yeah; Just saying that
you like your chips.
Okay; Then don't buy
the damn chips
if I'm such a burden
such a mouth to feed.
It doesn't count that I spent 50
years providing for my family
sending you an your
sister through College.
Fine! I'll just get a job
like the rest of you.
Oh, now, dad!
Don't be ridiculous.
You don't have to ge a job
You do plenty around here.
Come on!
I'm just kidding.
But for the record, when it comes
to chips, you're like a machine.
There must be someone
out there wanting to hire
a man of my experience
in engineering.
Hey Kerry! Don't you have that:
"We hire old people" program
where you work?
Bridget; No. Come on!
- Yeah! I think
grandpa qualifies.
Can you get him
a job there?
You are the boss.
He is old.
Bridget, grandpa
was an engineer.
There is no way he's gonna work
in the food court in the mall.
Welcome to Davy Crockett's
Remember The Alamo Burger.
Okay, dude. Um, let me have
a triple Alamo Burger, dude.
What happened to 'Please', dude?
- Please?
Is this yours, dude?
- Whoa, dude!
I don't think I remember
ordering a side of 'tude.
Um, excuse me, Jim.
Is there a problem?
'Jim'? I'm your
grandfather, Kerry.
Look, I'm sorry for any
trouble you may have had
Jim, please, apologize.
Apologize? I'd sooner
eat the food here!
Grandp-Jim!
Look; I apologize.
Your meal's on us.
Zach! Can you take
the register?
Jim; Can I talk to you
for a second?
Only for a second
I got a cigarette
break coming up
and I'm getting a bit antsy.
What are you doing?!
You can't talk to
customers like that.
Don't yell at me, Kerry.
You know, I changes your diapers.
Ugh! Did you wash
your hands?
Right now, you work for me.
And, where is your hat?
-I don't like it. It
make my head itch.
Besides, when I put it down,
Zach threw it in the friolator.
He is such a cutup!
- Nice -Nice.
Excuse me!
Ladies.
Oh my God! Shouldn't
you and 'Scooby Doo'
be out solving 'The mystery
of the dead-end jobs'?
Is this her?
Oh, yeah. That's her. All right.
She's the movie stealer
I'll take it from here,
friend. Thank you.
'Movie stealer'? What
are you talking about?
Move it along, people!
Nothing to see here.
Hey, you!!
I said: Move it along.
Nothing to see in this parameter!
C.J., What are you doing? He's
gone. Now, you can let me go.
I'm afraid I can do that.
It would violate the oath
I took as mall security.
What oath?
The oath I took
that says
blah, blah, blah
$5,15 an hour, blah, blah, blah
Let's go!
What the hell did I do now?
$137,50?
That can't be right.
Just give me five bucks.
Okay; You got me.
Ha, ha, ha, ha.
You think mall
jail's funny?
It's not plugged in.
Shut up!
Okay, I gotta be at work in,
like, five minutes, so-
You should've thought
of that before you stole
2 hours of motion
picture entertainment
I diddn't steal
anything; Okay?
Maybe I went to
the bathroom
and when I came out, I
accidentally went into
the wrong theater
for a second.
Went into the
wrong theather.
You think you're talking
to some stupid rookie cop
walking a food-court
beat for the first time?!!
Ah! Sister!!
You're in some deep
stuff here, Winona!
Movie poaching is a
serious offense -
Why don't you make
it easy on yourself?
Avoid the needle. Start
squawking! Admit it!!
I am not gonna admit to
something I didn't do!
Besides, What'll you do?
Have me arrested?
Worse;
We're gonna ban
you from the mall.
- Ahh!!!
Oh, Hi, Rory.
You fixed the lamp.
Yeah; All it needed was
a new light bulb.
Well, thank you.
- You're welcome
'calico.cat.lady.1274'
is gonna love this.
Uh wait a minute
You can't sell my stuff.
But I'm all out
of my stuff, man.
Now, until you buy
me more stuff
I've got to sell
your stuff.
Are you insane, mom?
Crap doesn't grow
on trees, you know.
Am I insane?
Look at this.
These are your grandfather's
reading glasses.
And Bridget's hairbrush?
People pay a lot of money for
hair that thick and shiny.
People will buy
Bridget's hair?
People will buy
'Jessica Simpson's hair'
Well; If it isn't my
little worker bees.
Dinner's gonna
be a little late.
Don't worry about me
I've got my own dinner.
What's that?
'Alamo Chicken nuggets'
Guaranteed 100%
pure chicken products.
No beaks.
That should keep this
mouth fed for a week or two.
Oh; And I'm gonna
take my shower
Cate,
I'll be sure to keep time
so you can send
me my fair share
of the water bill.
Dad; I wass just kidding
I don't care if you take
a 30 minutes shower.
That wasn't a 30 minute
shower!
I fell!!
Rory sold my chair.
Okay, what's wrong?
- Nothing.
All right, Kerry
I have to start dinner.
School or boys?
I hate my job.
But, honey, you were feeling so
good about your promotion.
I know; Until I found out I've to
give everyone an evaluation
I supervise a bunch
of slackers.
If I'm honest I may
get someone fired.
Well; Maybe some of those
people deserve to be fired.
There's this guy
who really sucks
but I don't want to
hurt his feelings.
Oh, honey; Let me help.
Look, it's really sweet
that you don't
want to hurt
someone's feelings.
But, even if one of your
little friends has to learn
a tough life lesson,
it doesn't mean that you
should shirk your respons-
It's grandpa
I gotta start dinner.
Dad!
If you're coming to
collect the rent
I don't get paid till
the end of the week.
Now, you made your point, dad.
You can quit your job now.
Happy?
I love my job.
You do?
Well; Yeah.
I know what it started out
to be proving a point but
I enjoy having
someplace to go
and spending time
with Kerry.
And tomorrow,
I'm on fries -Ah.
That is really sweet that you
like spending time with Kerry.
Yeah, it is.
But you're kind of
a pain in her ass.
Did she say that?
Yk; I never liked her, Cate.
She's the bad one.
Well, dad; Of course
she didn't say that.
That's why I did.
Look; this is Kerry's
first job.
And it's her territory
She's doing so well.
You're kind of wrecking it.
- I'm wrecking it?
Hey; I'm not that bad.
No; I'm not questioning
your ability to work.
It's just that your attitude
with the customers is -Nah..nah.
All right; I hear you
I mean, this is Kerry's thing.
She needs it
I don't want to be
the one to ruin it.
Well, I guess I could
turn in my name tag.
But Zach threw it, in
in somebody's Burguer,
yesterday.
He's such a cutup
Ok, dad.
All right, Miss Hennessy;
Let's try this one more time.
Where were you at 3:57?!!
Watching the
Cameron Diaz movie.
How'd she look?
- Good, I guess.
Was she in a bikini or jumping
around in her underpants?
What does that have to do
with getting busted?
I'll do the interrogating!!
You say you were
in the movie al 3:57.
That's funny,
because the movie
ended at 3:43.
Admit it!
You left the movie,
walked down the hall.
And you snuck into the
Keanu Reeves one!
-Noo!!
Banned from the
mall, Bridget!!
Do you know what
that means?!!
Nowhere to go
after school!
You'll have to study
and do organized activities
like Band and Glee Club.
- Stop it!! -Glee Club!!
Say the words;
"I couldn't stand the
thought of missing Keanu
in that tight biker outfit"
-Nooo!!
For the last time, no; Okay?
And Keanu was only
in it for five minutes
and he had this haircut that
made him look like a monkey.
Oh, Noo!!!
Agh!!
And she sang
like a parakeet.
Look, please; You can't
ban me from the mall
I'll do anything.
Anything?
- Anything.
Hmm; Rap for me.
I'm sorry. What?
Yk; Bust a rhyme.
And maybe make it
about how cool I am.
No, no. I'm sorry.
I don't think so.
Great; - No.
Have fun cruising
the mall Online!
Fine!! Fine! I'll do it
I'll Fine.
Fine. That's smart.
I'll lay down the
beat for you.
Doo-doo-whoosh;
Doo-doo-whoosh
Your name is
C.J.; ♪You are so cool
Just got into community
College School -Yeah
C.J.; -Hey -Some kids are
playing on the scalator
-I got it; Okay.
What's she doing here?
Oh; There was
an interrogation.
I thought I told you
to charge her the
admission and let her go.
Yeah, We, um
Oh, no, C.J
You're not still making
them bust rhymes, are you?
Wait; So, you're not
banning me from the mall?
What are you talking
about? We can't do that.
Did you even
read the oath?
All right; From the top
Dude; I asked for this
with no onions, dude.
Oh, yes sir.
Right away, sir.
Oh!
Here you are, sir.
Thanks.
- Come again, sir.
Grandpa;
You handled
that, perfectly.
Oh, it's easy, Kerry.
Yk; When I say "Sir",
I'm thinking "Jackass".
Wow; You're like, the
perfect employee.
Thank you, grandpa.
Grandpa? You
didn't call me Jim.
Isn't that against
Company policy?
Oh! Are those
the evaluations?
Yeah, Kerry. You
have those evaluations?
Um, Derek; You should known
that Jim has shown
remarkable improvement
since I wrote this.
Oh! What a proud day!
I'm wearing a cooskin cap
and I've shown improvement.
Okay; Give them to me.
Kerry
You gave Jim the lowest score
in David Crockett history!
In history?
- Yeah.
It's even worse than the guy
who whizzed in the friolator.
Kerry
You need to lighten up.
This is just a 'Food Court'
Thanks a lot, Kerry.
You almost got me fired.
Well, I had to do my job.
Beside, mom said, you
don't need to work.
Well, maybe I do.
Maybe I'm saveng up for
something very special.
What? New knees?
- No. I don't make knee money.
No, I'm I'm saving up for my
granddaughter's trip to Europe.
That's so sweet.
Ohhh
I love you, care bear
I love you, too.
Now, get back on your register!!
Ohh! For the love of-
Bridget; Did I ever tell you,
you're my favorite?
Uh, grandpa; Refills
35 cents, right?
Honesty; Good for you.
Most people just
take them and go.
Yeah, I, well, I got caught
by the short arm of the law.
Good to see
the lesson took.
No one's above the law.
C.J.!!!
I'm on my break!
Uh, Rory; Could you set
the table for dinner?
Excuse me. I'm
trying to work here
I'm auctioning off dad's
'Kirk Gibson' rookie card.
Do you know there are fanatics
willing to pay big
bucks for this?
Yk; Mr. I think you're
taking this a little to far.
Why? I figure, if the saps
are willing to pay it.
Look, Rory; This is not just
a stupid piece of cardboard.
Your father gave you this
and it meant a lot to him
and one day you may want
to pass this to your children.
Yeahh
I guess you're right
I'm gonna take it off the market.
- Yeah; I think that's a good id-
Oh! Hang on a second
What's that number there?
That's the amount
of the latest bid.
Well; It just went up.
Again!
There's only a minute left.
Better take it off the market.
Yeah; Touch that button,
I'll break your arm!
But, mom; I think dad
would want me to keep it.
Yeah. He also wants
you to go to College.
Oh! Going once!
Going twice!
Sold!!
This is so great.
Go set the table.
We're gonna celebrate.
Oh! And let's use the
good silverware.
Yeah About that
oOo
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