St. Denis Medical (2024) s02e17 Episode Script

1
[HAMMER BANGING]
The best part about having a baby
is coming up with a name for it.
And I'm happy to report
that my little bundle of joy,
the Birthing Center, finally has one.
Our original name,
the Irving Women's Birthing Center,
was named after our generous
benefactor, Amelia Irving.
But that became problematic
when her ex-husband,
uh, got into some mischief. [CHUCKLES]
Mischief?
He owned, like, 18
underground massage parlors.
OK. Anyway[CHUCKLES]
I convinced Amelia to
use her maiden name,
Amelia White, instead.
Uh, Joyce, have you seen this?
What?
Oh, [BLEEP].
[SIGHS]
Maybe no one will notice.
[BLEEP].
[UPBEAT MUSIC]
♪
Well, today's the big day,
the ribbon cutting of
the Birthing Center.
Can you believe it?
Oh, this year has tested me.
You know, I've often felt like Sisyphus
pushing a giant boulder
up an endless hill.
But you know what no
one ever talks about
is the part of the story
where he makes it up the hill
and everyone's cheering
him on and saying,
hey, good job, Sisyphus. [LAUGHS]
Where do you want these sashes?
Also, why are there sashes?
They're for the first
couple who signed up
to give birth here.
I want them front and center.
They're cool, they're diverse,
and they just scream
fertility. [CHUCKLES]
This is a lot of seats, Joyce.
Well, I cast a wide net.
You know, there's politicians,
press, mommy bloggers.
Ooh, reserved for "The New York Times."
Wow. [CHUCKLES]
Are they actually coming?
Well, I sent the invitation and said,
let me know if you can't come.
So I haven't heard anything.
Think it's looking good.
- Yas!
- Chicas to the front!
Technically, we're not working today,
but Joyce hired a few of us to come in
and help with the event.
I think we're basically
here to be her cheerleaders.
J-O-Y-C-E! [LAUGHS]
I was an alternate on
the cheerleading team
in high school.
I've just been using Spice Girls lyrics.
"Girl power!" "Get it on, get it on."
I'm still trying to
work in "zig-a-zig-ah".
So we just have to put this up
and then the rest of those decorations?
Can't believe we're getting
time and a half for this.
Oh, I'm not getting paid.
But Joyce said it
would mean a lot to her,
and that's money in the bank.
Wow, I've seen some pretty
sick things in this building.
Can't say I've seen a ribbon
shaped like an umbilical cord.
Oh, this is nothing.
You should see the ribbon Joyce
made for the Urology Center.
- [SNICKERS]
- Wow.
Look at this guy.
Oh, my God, gross!
What? I think he's kind of cute.
Serena, I need skin to skin!
Ew! Get it away!
Bond with me.
You are such a freak.
Um, hey, by the way, uh
and we don't have to talk about this
if you don't want to,
but are you doing OK
since the whole Steve thing?
Oh, yeah. Totally over it.
He keeps texting me gym selfies
followed by, oops, wrong number.
OK, dude.
I'm ready for solids!
Wah! [BOTH CHUCKLE]
Uh, you don't have to film me.
I-I'm not even here today.
Doctors have to take an annual
physical to keep our insurance.
And because God hates
me, mine fell on the day
that I was supposed
to go on a fishing trip
with some old buddies.
Do you know how hard it
is to reschedule something
with a bunch of 70-year-olds
who are totally inept at texting?
This trip was originally
scheduled for 2010.
I'm ready for my next victim.
[CHUCKLES]
No, I'm just joking. I'm kidding.
Um, Dr. Bruce Schweitz?
Here we go. [SIGHS]
It's gonna be hard to
beat last year's numbers,
but let's see if those wheatgrass enemas
managed to move the needle.
- Hello.
- Bruce!
- Hey, Bruce.
- Ronnie.
Hey, look at that adorable outfit.
We need to take our
physicals at the same time.
Oh? We do?
That's not usually how we do it.
Yeah, I know, but
we're, um, best friends,
and we do everything together.
Aw. You sweeties!
- Yeah.
- Oh, how do I say no to that?
Come on back.
OK.
Best friend.
That is so sweet. [CHUCKLES]
A little misguided.
I'd say Ron's probably
my third best friend.
He could get to number one.
But Mom's not giving up
that throne without a fight.
Joyce, will you look at this turnout?
That's right, haters.
Ain't no party like a Big J party,
'cause a Big J party seats 150.
- [CHUCKLES]
- Oh.
Councilmen Duffy and
Stark just walked in.
- Gay!
- Val!
What? I know those guys. They're gay.
Oh.
Well, I guess that's OK, then.
Hold on.
The Mom-unist came?
Joyce, she's, like,
a huge mommy blogger.
Yeah, I know, and today all
4 million of her followers
are gonna watch me perform.
Perform?
You're just giving some remarks, right?
No, Alex. I'm singing with the choir.
Oh.
Actually, a better description would be,
the choir will be singing with me.
Wow, what a great idea.
Zig-a-zig-ah.
[GASPS] I love that.
I've never done two
doctors at once before.
I believe they call this
a Hippocratic three-way.
[CHUCKLES] Anyway, I'm
gonna do some blood work,
and then we'll check
your blood pressure.
Yep, we know the drill. We're doctors.
OK, sassafras.
And just FYI, I'm not
great with needles,
so if we could just take it slow.
You're already taking it too slow.
It's OK. Just look at me, Bruce.
I want you to listen to my voice.
I want you to look
deep down into my eyes.
Do you see the tiny golden fleck
floating around in the pool of my eye?
I want you to find it for me.
I need you to.
Do you see it, Dr. Bruce?
Yeah, I see it.
And done.
Easy-peasy, mac and cheesy.
What what kind of sorcery?
Did you see that?
Yep!
Here you go.
What's next?
[RHYTHMIC STOMPING,
CLAPPING, FINGERS SNAPPING]
What happens when
a woman takes power? ♪
What happens when
she won't back down? ♪
What happens when
a woman takes power? ♪
What happens? What happens? ♪
Oh, oh, oh ♪
What happens when she
rules her own body? ♪
Oh-oh-oh, oh-oh ♪
What happens when
she sets the beat? ♪
What happens when
she bows to nobody? ♪
What happens when she
stands on her own two feet? ♪
Here she comes, here she comes ♪
Here our righteous woman comes! ♪
[RHYTHMIC STOMPING,
CLAPPING, FINGERS SNAPPING]
What happens when a woman go ♪
- Ah!
- Ooh!
Joyce! Oh!
Oh, God.
- Hold still, OK?
- [BLEEP].
- Val and I are coming.
- [GROANS, COUGHS]
- Oh, God.
- One, two, three.
[BLEEP]. I'm OK. I'm OK.
Don't worry.
[BLEEP]. [GROANS]
Why couldn't they just keep singing?
No one would have noticed!
Maybe. Possibly.
[SIGHS] Humiliating.
I don't get it.
You just fell? No one
pushed you or anything?
You just walked right off the stage?
Yes, Matthew.
Quite the pep talk. Thank you.
I can't believe I missed that.
No, just 'cause I could have caught you.
- Oh.
- You're a sweet bean.
But it was a dead drop.
I would have crushed your bones.
I can only imagine what
they're saying out there,
and it's not, hey, that was
a pretty cool-looking fall.
Well, maybe some people are saying that.
You know, it's a good thing
"The New York Times" forgot to come.
Yeah. Yeah, we got lucky there.
Hey, a couple messages from reception.
Your car warranty is about to expire.
Also, the pregnant couple can't
make it to the ribbon cutting.
They had their baby this morning.
They're not coming?
How could they?
Well, I'm not sure they had
a say in the matter, Joyce.
They were the centerpiece
of my ribbon cutting
and my brochure!
[GROANS] This whole day
is getting away from me.
[SIGHS] All right, I just need to splash
some cold water on my
face, get back out there,
- and turn this thing around.
- No, Joyce, uh-uh.
You need to rest, OK?
You probably have a concussion.
Concussion?
I just need to splash
some cold water on my face,
get back out there, and
turn this day around.
OK, well, the repetition
is very concerning to me.
Joyce, listen, we've
got this, all right?
I will go out there, and I
will do some damage control.
And we will find a new pregnant couple.
Like who, my next-door neighbor Becky?
She's not even pregnant, Alex.
It's just a thyroid thing.
OK, well, um,
you guys! Matt and Serena,
you guys can be the pregnant couple.
- Wait, what?
- Um, no, we can't.
Yeah, Matt, go upstairs to OB
and grab one of the silicone bumps.
I guess I could wear a bump.
Times are a-changin'.
- For Serena.
- Yeah.
Which is only slightly less insane.
See, Joyce?
It's under control. We've got you.
Man, there is just something
about Kelly, you know?
I mean, goose bumps. Feel this.
- No.
- I don't mind, really.
Mm-mm.
Dr. Leonard, I have your results.
So your blood pressure came back
- just a teensy bit high.
- Hmm.
With your age and cholesterol,
we're gonna need to
do an echocardiogram.
Well, I can't do an echocardiogram.
That's gonna take at least an hour.
Oof, tough break.
God. I can hang, though.
Oh, you're free to go.
Nah, I should stick
around for moral support
and emotional support.
I've been told I'm extremely emotional.
Let's redo it.
I'm sure my blood
pressure was a little high
'cause I've been so stressed out
about missing my fishing trip.
Oh, you're going fishing. Right.
I thought those were
your church clothes.
OK.
So is everyone enjoying
themselves over here?
- [CHUCKLES]
- Um, is that woman OK?
She took a real face-plant there.
Yeah, she's fine.
So oh, did you guys
see that the cake pops
are little rattles?
That looked pretty serious, though.
Oh, no. Nah.
I don't think you
know, uh, part of me
wonders if maybe she didn't
do it on purpose, you know?
Think about it.
The floor that she smashed into,
uh, could represent the glass ceiling.
Uh, because everything
is, you know, upside down
for women in this in
this twisted world of ours.
What?
Did I tell you guys that the
cake pops are little rattles?
Oh, wow, so you guys are
gonna be the first people
to give birth here.
That's what we're told.
Oh, so what made you choose this place?
Great question.
It's, uh it's really
close to where I work,
um, also where I eat lunch
sometimes, right, Pumpkin?
Oh, "Pumpkin."
- Yeah, that's right, Big Papi.
- Yeah.
No, but really, they put a
ton of work into this place.
Also, I heard the birthing
center in Layden has bedbugs.
- [GASPS]
- And babies hate those.
And we have a full-time masseuse.
They won the CMTC
prize, which is basically
the Oscars of deep tissue.
Sounds great.
Maybe I will have another kid.
Oh, wow.
Yeah, this place is really wonderful.
I'm honored to be a small part of it.
Well, I'm honored to
be a big part of it.
- Oh, God.
- Look at that. Hey.
How, uh how you doing?
You feeling feeling OK?
What, from that little slip earlier?
- Come on.
- Hmm.
You have a pretty large
goose egg on your head.
Uh, it is a quail egg at most.
Know your birds, sister.
OK. [CHUCKLES AWKWARDLY]
Have you guys heard about
our ergonomic birthing tubs?
You know, they're made in Italy.
Actually, they're made in Vietnam,
but they are imported.
Uh, ma'am, your nose.
Oh, Joyce. Um
excuse us for just a minute.
You don't even know if this is my blood.
[SIGHS]
Yeah, attaboy. Just
breathe nice and deep.
- Please don't touch me.
- OK, Reiki, then.
Just try and tune it all out, Ron.
You know, just relax.
Think of a happy place.
OK, that would be out on
Lake Wallowa with my buddies.
No talking, just blissful silence
and the occasional hum
from Theo's voice box.
Oh, rats! What?
- 170 over 89?
- [SIGHS]
I mean, that's even
higher than it was before.
- [SIGHS]
- I'm sorry.
I have to consult Cardiology, OK?
With your age and risk factors,
they may want to do an angiogram.
But an angiogram's gonna take hours.
By the time I get there,
all the cabin rooms
are gonna be chosen, and I'm
gonna have to share with Theo,
who gets all philosophical
around bedtime.
[AS THEO WITH VOICE BOX]
Is there a soul, Ron?
[NORMALLY] I don't know, Theo!
OK, let's do it again.
[SIGHS] I'm gonna bring my
blood pressure down right now.
[SIGHS]
- [WHISPERING] Hey.
- Hmm?
- [WHISPERING] You like tapas?
- Shut up!
Have you guys had a
chance to do a babymoon?
We went to Nashville.
Honestly, it's just
nice to be home with him.
Usually he's on the
road 365 with his band,
his Vanessa Carlton cover band.
Yeah, the Vanessa Carl-tunes.
You got to come to a show.
We do a two-hour version
of "A Thousand Miles,"
and then we close
with a hip-hop version
- of"A Thousand Miles."
- Yeah.
Uh, we actually met at one
of his shows two years ago.
- Aw.
- Yeah.
I was in the audience, sitting
on my uncle's shoulders.
And as I lifted up my top, our eyes met,
and they haven't looked away since.
Joyce, what are you doing?
You need to be in a
bed, far away from here.
Well, I don't want to
listen to this right now.
And thankfully, because
of the ringing in my ears,
I don't have to.
So if you'll excuse me, I'll just be
You are not going back out there!
I'm sorry.
I'm not gonna take advice from someone
who let's face it caused
this whole thing to begin with.
- I caused it?
- [CHUCKLES]
How? I've just been
supporting you all day.
Exactly. Stop doing that.
You and your whole, "oh, girl power,
spice up your life,"
it made me overconfident!
OK, I am not gonna take this personally
because you're obviously concussed.
But that's exactly why you
can't go back out there.
You know what? You're right.
You saved the day, as per usual.
I put my heart and soul into this place,
and all I wanted was one
moment where someone would say,
Joyce Henderson put
St. Denis on the map.
But no, you take it.
You take my moment.
[MICROPHONE FEEDBACK
SQUEALS, CROWD MURMURING]
Do you realize the toll
this place has taken on me?
My life is a bottomless pit of ass!
[MURMURING]
All the late nights that I
have fallen asleep in my office
and had to take a whore's
bath in the sink the next day.
You don't get clean doing that.
At least, I don't.
You've sacrificed a lot, Joyce.
There's no question.
So then I have revenge sex
with a part-time worker
at a children's laser tag establishment.
And I'd do it again, but
he won't call me back.
Oh, my God, Joyce.
The other day, I asked my mailman
if he will come in and
have a cup of tea with me,
and he said no.
And now I don't even
get my mail anymore, OK?
And for all that heartache,
what are people gonna remember about me?
That Joyce Henderson fell
off the stage onto her face
and then peed herself a little bit.
- Hey, guys.
- Val, we're talking!
I know. We heard all of it out there.
You might want to turn off your mic.
I'm just gonna grab some Skittles.
I cannot show my face
out there after this.
I'm just gonna stay in
this gift shop forever.
- I live here now.
- No, you don't.
I'm just gonna eat popchips
and pee in the potted plants,
let them grow, eat the
leaves circle of life.
Look, just go. Just go cut the ribbon.
Let's be done with this.
Joyce, I'm so sorry.
I really wanted to see
you have that moment.
You deserved it.
Just go.
Oh, I was, uh
I was gonna tie the
umbilical cord around my neck
and then escape to thunderous applause.
You can have that gag if you want to.
I'll probably never
get a chance to use it.
Yeah, I'll feel it out in the moment.
I spent the whole weekend
clearing out my freezer
to make room for the fish.
Three perfectly good Hungry Mans
that's 2 pounds of
Smokin' Backyard Barbeque.
Oh, yeah, bad shake.
Hey, listen, the band Air is playing
in Portland this weekend.
When Kelly comes back in,
I need you to say something
like, uh, what's up
with the air in here?
And then I'll say, speaking of air,
we should go to this concert.
I'm not doing that.
Oh, damn it. Air is sold out.
Uh, could you think of a way
to casually bring up Maroon 5?
Enough of this.
I'm not waiting any longer.
You have Kelly email me my results.
- [SIGHS]
- Waste of my whole damn day.
- Dr. Leonard?
- Yeah, who is this?
This is Dr. Emerson.
She's a cardiothoracic surgeon.
Oh, we know each other. What's going on?
Ron, I want to talk to
you about your results.
- OK. Of course.
- Is he all right?
Bruce, could you give us a minute?
Brooke, please.
This is my third best friend.
I'm not just gonna leave
him marooned in here.
Never mind. [CLEARS THROAT]
Just get to it. I'm staying.
And that's why she left the Navy SEALs.
I was dishonorably discharged.
Excuse me.
I'm supposed to grab
some photos of you two
for the brochure.
- Oh, yeah. Let's do it.
- Sure.
All right. Yeah, just over here is good.
Uh, maybe get a little closer.
Put your arm around her?
Oh. [CHUCKLES] Yeah, sure.
[CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKING]
Oh, these look great.
So you nervous?
No. Why?
- First baby!
- Oh.
Don't let this guy weasel
his way out of diaper duty.
Oh, I won't have to worry about that.
I got lucky.
Matt's the best guy I know.
I'm Big Papi.
OK.
Hey, guys, it's, uh, time
for the ribbon cutting.
Oh, wait, can I get a
quick kiss from the couple?
Oh.
- Oh, uh, no, thank you.
- Yeah, we're good.
Kissing is what got them into this mess.
Am I right? [CHUCKLES]
Come on.
- No.
- Really?
Just a little one.
I mean, you guys look so cute together.
- We said no, perv!
- We're not your puppets.
OK, why don't we go cut that ribbon?
Yeah.
You can see here there's
multivessel coronary blockages.
This is your LAD artery
LAD artery.
Yeah, I see it.
Yeah.
How much, uh
About 90% blockage.
- Wow.
- Yeah.
You're gonna need a triple bypass.
How soon?
It's kind of a "how's your
week looking" type of thing.
I'll do it.
What?
I'll perform the surgery.
It should be me.
You're not a heart surgeon,
so that makes no sense.
Well, with all due respect, Dr. Emerson,
- I think it's up to Ron.
- That's insane.
Fair enough. I'll assist.
No.
Well, then I'll watch from the hallway.
You can't stop me. You're not allowed.
That's fine.
Hey, it's gonna be OK.
You know my greatest joy as mayor
is welcoming wonderful, new resources
to the community,
that and getting out
of speeding tickets.
- [LAUGHTER]
- Build a casino!
Um, now, to do the honors,
representing St. Denis Medical,
nurse Alex Mazurkian.
[APPLAUSE]
Oh, please. [CHUCKLES] Thank you.
Congratulations.
This is an amazing achievement.
Thank you. Um
Um[CLEARS THROAT]
Yeah, you know what?
This just feels wrong.
There is a woman who has sacrificed
so much to make this possible.
I mean, just a few months
ago, this whole space was
filled with broken crash
carts and what turned out
to be a new species of spider.
But now it's a place where our community
is going to give birth
to the next generation.
And that is all because
of Joyce Henderson.
She is an incredible
leader who has a vision
and wills it into existence,
even if it almost kills her.
[PHONE CHIMES] Oh, uh, we did, uh
Oh, my God.
Relocate the spiders, by the way.
I should mention that, so, um
anyway, she should come
up here and cut this
because she deserves it.
So, Joyce.
[APPLAUSE]
Ron! Bruce just texted
me. What happened?
To me? What the hell happened to you?
It's a long story. Who cares?
Joyce, if it's not about bypass surgery,
long is good.
Look, I know you're
scared, and I know that
Please, can we talk
about something else?
Well, I, uh
I fell offstage, and
there is a video of it.
Hallelujah. Cue it up.
I mean, if I'm gonna die,
at least I should see
Don't say that.
Damn!
You did this?
Some people said it looked cool.
Today did not go the way I envisioned.
Do I blame the women's choir?
No.
A little. But nevertheless,
we persisted.
We figured it out as a team.
And you know what
Sisyphus' real problem was?
He was so focused on that boulder,
he didn't realize he had
friends all around him,
supporting him, cheering him on,
doing whatever it took to
help him get up that hill.
And in the end, that's
what the story of Sisyphus
is really about
friendship.
[CHUCKLES]
Hey.
- Hey.
- You, uh you had our baby.
Yeah. I forgot to text you.
Oh, man, I wanted to be there.
[BOTH CHUCKLE]
Uh, that photographer
was kind of weird, right?
Oh, my God, he was, like,
obsessed with us kissing.
Totally.
- It's like, back off, dude.
- I know.
We're not gonna kiss just
'cause you're yelling at us.
Exactly.
I mean, when we kiss,
it'll be 'cause we want to.
Right.
When we kiss.
[SOFT MUSIC]
♪
[BELL CLANGS]