Gilligan's Island (1964) s02e18 Episode Script

1
Just sit right back and you'll hear a tale ♪
a tale of a fateful trip ♪
that started from this tropic port ♪
aboard this tiny ship ♪
the mate was a mighty sailin' man ♪
the skipper brave and sure ♪
five passengers set sail
that day for a 3-hour tour ♪
a 3-hour tour ♪
[thundering]
The weather started getting rough ♪
the tiny ship was tossed ♪
if not for the courage
of the fearless crew ♪
the minnow would be lost
the minnow would be lost ♪
the ship set ground
on the shore of this ♪
uncharted desert isle ♪
with gilligan ♪
the skipper too ♪
the millionaire and his wife ♪
the movie star ♪
the professor and Mary Ann ♪
here on gilligan's isle ♪
You don't have to close
your eyes, gilligan.
It's against the law
to read anybody else's mail.
I promise not to report you.
Okay. It'll go out in the
2:00 tide. Thank you.
Your boyfriend sure is lucky.
He not only gets a letter every week
he gets a nickel back in the envelope.
Hi, skipper. What are you doing?
I'm recharging the batteries on the radio.
Now, if it isn't too exhausting
would you mind turning the radio
on to see if it works?
Man on radio: And
now here's a social note.
Cathay society was stunned today
by the surprise elopement
of cybil went worth
the shipping heiress,
with Horace higgenbothum.
Higgenbothum is said
to come from a small town
near horners corners, Kansas.
Did he say Horace higgenbothum?
Yeah.
From horners corners?
That's right. Why, you know him?
That's Mary Ann's boyfriend.
Mary Ann's boyfriend!
Yeah, the one she keeps writing
a letter to every day?
I just mailed one for her.
Why, that dirty double-crosser!
Marrying another girl.
For goodness sakes!
And doing that to our
poor little Mary Ann.
Maybe he's trying to make her jealous.
Hi, professor.
Well, skipper, what's the decision?
Well, gilligan was just about to volunteer.
Oh, no, I'm not!
- Oh, yes, you are!
- Oh, no.
Let somebody else tell Mary Ann
that some girl stole her boyfriend
right out from under her nose
with her back turned!
Under her nose with her back turned?
Well, it's anatomically
impossible, of course.
However, gilligan does have a point.
He should have freedom of choice.
And I choose to wait
until after we're rescued
then Horace can tell her
because he knows her
better than we do.
Wait a minute, gilligan. Alright, professor.
We'll do this the Democratic way.
- I'll buy that.
- Yes, gilligan.
Now, all those in favor of
gilligan telling Mary Ann
raise your right hand.
There you are, gilligan. Two to one.
On your way, little buddy.
If that's the Democratic way
I'm gonna turn into a republican!
Man on radio: Now once again
it's time for radio's most
popular dramatic series
old Dr. Young.
When last we left county hospital
Eileen frobersher had been
admitted for a checkup.
Unbeknownst to her,
her x-rays revealed something.
Meanwhile, in another
part of the hospital
old Dr. Young is talking
to his son young Dr. Young.
Old Dr. Young: Son, the young and lovely
Eileen frobersher
must be told about her x-rays.
But, father, should we tell her now?
Not we. You.
And right now.
If that is my duty, then I shall do it.
Son, you are walking the wrong way.
Because I cannot
just burst into her room
and blurt out the results of the x-rays.
That I cannot do!
You will have to assign
someone else to the job.
Son, be a man.
Remember the hippocratic oath?
Yes, father. You are always right.
I will do it..
Tomorrow.
Gilligan, can't you do anything right?
Well, you see
for goodness sakes! Must you
goof up the simplest assignment?
Well, you see
around here it's talk, talk, talk
but not a word to Mary Ann!
Gentlemen, this arguing
isn't getting us anywhere.
I wasn't arguing.
All I was saying was, "you see."
He was arguing.
I can see I'll have to tell her myself!
Eh de
I wanna tell you,
he beat me by that much.
Another second, and I'd have told her.
Oh, I can still catch him.
Thanks a lot, little buddy.
Radio: And so we conclude
another chapter
of the story of old Dr. Young.
Ohh
Hello, Mary Ann.
[Sniffs]
Say
Oh, something smells good.
What are you cooking?
Mushrooms. I picked them myself.
Oh, that's nice.
Uh, Mary Ann Yes?
There's something I've got to tell you.
Why, is something wrong?
Well, yes, there is.
Well, couldn't be half as bad
as what happened
to poor Eileen frobersher.
I wouldn't trade places with her
for anything else in the world!
Who?
Eileen frobersher,
the poor girl on the radio.
Oh, yes, of course.
Well, you see, it's just that..
Uh the mushrooms!
You've gotta be careful!
Careful? About what?
The the species.
I mean, some mushrooms
are toadstools.
Can make you quite ill
and others are actually poisonous!
Poisonous!
Oh, you can never tell.
You've got to get rid of those.
It's a good thing you didn't say
anything to Mary Ann.
That'd be all wrong.
It would?
Well, certainly. There's only one thing
that can ease her breaking heart
when she hears about
Horace higgenbothum.
Only one thing can make
a girl forget a man.
What's that, ginger?
Another man! Mary Ann
needs a dream man
someone very exciting to just come along
and sweep her off her feet.
Well, I'm terribly sorry,
ginger, but I'm already married.
Well, Mr. Howell
there's three eligible
bachelors on the island.
You're so right!
With three attractive bachelors
vying for her attention
all thoughts of Horace will vanish!
Exactly! Now, just a moment.
I have never shown the slightest
romantic interest in Mary Ann.
Professor, a few lessons at my
private charm school
and you'll just captivate her.
Now, wait a minute, ginger.
I've been acting like her big brother.
I can't act like her boyfriend now.
For her sake, it's Casanova time.
Captain, I'm going to take you in hand.
What about me?
Who's gonna teach me?
It's a nasty trick to play on my
wife, but c'est la guerre.
Your hair, with the light shining on it
is breathtakingly beautiful.
Oh, gilligan.
And your eyes
are limpid pools of indigo blue.
Oh, gilligan!
Shell-like ears and pearly teeth.
Those lips, those nose..
Oh, gilligan!
I'm sorry, Mrs. Howell,
but I am improving.
This time I got as far as
the nose before I blew it!
You're supposed to charm Mary Ann
not take inventory.
Now, can't you use
a more romantic voice?
[Husky voice] More breathless?
Mary Ann, you're peachy keen.
[Wheezing] Eee eee
Gilligan, you're supposed
to sound romantic
not asthmatic.
Not so good, huh?
No. We'll have to try another approach.
We'll pattern you after somebody
else. Now, let me see.
Oh, I have it! Charles boyer!
How do I love thee?
Let me count the ways.
I love thee to the depth
and breadth and height
that my soul can reach!
Oh, Mr. Howell, I feel so silly.
Must you hold my hand like that?
Well, I'm just trying to show
you how to act, that's all.
I know, but Mr. Howell,
I can't recite poetry.
It just isn't my image!
Your image? Just exactly
what is your image?
Well, I've always figured myself
as the big outdoor type.
Well, you are built like the ponderosa.
No, you know what I mean.
The big, strong, silent type.
You know, I've always thought
that I should be a cowboy.
Somewhere there breathes a horse
that is glad that you are not.
Come on, Mr. Howell.
You know how the girls are always crazy
about marshal Dillon.
Come to think of it,
they do favor outdoor types.
Exactly! They like men
that talk about ridin' the range
and bull doggin' and shoot outs
and all that sorta thing!
Okay, bravo Billy,
head her off at the pass!
You're on, partner!
They went thataway!
Good evening, Mary Ann.
Uh you look very healthy tonight.
Oh, brother.
Oh, that wasn't much
like Cary Grant, was it?
Wasn't even very much
like general Grant.
I'll never be able to learn this.
Let me show you, professor.
Now, pretend that I'm Cary Grant.
You?
Yeah. Pretend that I'm tall, charming
loaded with masculinity.
Well, I shall find it very easy
to pretend you're tall and charming
but you've got the wrong kind of load.
We're just pretending, professor.
Now, Cary is the kind of man
who sweeps a girl off her feet.
He'd take her in his arms like this
and he'd whisper her name
over and over and over.
Mary Ann..
Mary Ann..
Mary Ann.
Isn't that a bit redundant?
Professor, a girl likes to hear her name!
Now let's try it again.
Mary Ann..
Mary Ann..
Mary Ann.
Now you whisper something to me.
Ah, Carrie
Yes?
Gee, you smell nice tonight.
Oh!
[Knock on door]
Come in.
Ah, ma chere.
Quelle surprised to find you at 'ome.
Ah, I brought these pour vous.
And now, I kiss your hand, eh?
Gilligan, do you feel alright?
Oui. Come. Let us sit over here
so I can tell you
about la plume de ma tante
which is across the street
from the kasbah.
[Knock on door]
I'll be right back.
Howdy, ma'am!
Oh, skipper, come on in.
Oh, boy, am I glad to see you.
The strangest thing just
happened gilligan came..
"Howdy, ma'am"?
Yup!
I sure am glad to see
you're alone, ma'am.
Well, I'm not exactly.
I was sewing on this dress,
and gilligan came..
Here, ma'am. I picked these
for you down at the corral.
The corral?
Is that anywhere near the kasbah?
Oh! I'm sorry, ma'am. Pardon me.
I thought you was alone!
Howdy, partner!
[Knock on door]
Oh, come in!
[Imitating Cary Grant]
Mary Ann, Mary Ann, Mary Ann.
Professor!
Just a minute.
I've got a few more Mary anns.
First, I want you to put these into a vase!
I see you've been down to the corral, too!
Corral? Why, my dear,
you do have a sense of humor.
And what have we here?
That's exactly what
I'm trying to figure out.
My dear, they're not
good enough for you.
Not half good enough!
Zat is not true, you you limey!
Limey, eh?
Why, I've got half a mind
to teach you a lesson!
It's a duel you want, eh? En garde!
Now, wait a minute, you two!
I don't advise no fighting
around here while I'm here!
Stay out of this, sheriff John!
Everybody's gone stark raving mad!
Oh, Mr. Howell, Mrs. Howell!
Come in, child.
Mr. Howell, you've got to help!
It's gilligan, skipper, and the professor.
They've gone island happy!
Oh, you've got to help me, please!
Let's discuss this calmly, my dear.
You girls have got to hide.
In the closet, under the bed
in a trunk! Please, Mr. Howell, hurry!
What's wrong with you, Mary Ann?
It's not me! It's them! Them?
Yes! I was sewing on a dress,
and gilligan came in
and he thought he was Charles boyer!
Oh, good for him!
Then the skipper came in, and
he thought he was Matt Dillon
and he had a fight with Cary Grant!
Next time you have
a dream like that, send for me.
But it wasn't a dream, ginger!
They're just trying to make
an impression on you, darling.
They impressed me right out of my wits!
You'd better get right back there.
Without feminine influences
no telling what they
might do to each other.
Skipper: How long do we have
to keep up this masquerade?
Professor: I'm not sure.
A young girl like Mary Ann
I'd give her about a week.
(Skipper) I wish there was
an easier way to tell her.
The same thing happened
to a friend of my sister's.
How long did it take her to get over it?
She never recovered.
(Skipper) 'Poor Mary Ann.'
ohh
The mushrooms!
They were poisonous!
Oh, no wonder they're
being so nice to me.
They want to tell me I'm gonna d..
Oh!
Man on radio: Young Dr. Young
on the advice of his father, the doctor
has told her the results of the x-rays.
Eileen speaks.
Eileen: Doctor, please don't spare me.
Tell me everything.
How much longer do I have?
Young Dr. Young: A
week, perhaps. Maybe less.
I will spend it alone.
I will not burden
others with my problems.
That is wrong. Very wrong.
You must seek out your friends
be honest with them.
Tell them that I know.
Face it with a smile?
Yes. And above all, be brave.
Oh, doctor! I will be brave!
And I'll be as brave
as you, Eileen frobersher.
Twenty eight, twenty nine
thirty, thirty one, thirty two..
Oh, gilligan! You're not even trying!
Hi, gilligan. Hi, skipper.
Hi, Mary Ann!
I came over to thank you for last night.
For last night?
Well, I know why you were trying
to cheer me up
and I wanted to tell you I appreciate it.
Who told you?
Nobody told me.
I overheard the professor
talking to you about it.
That's wonderful, Mary Ann.
You're quite a girl for taking it so calmly.
Yeah, we thought you'd cry and
stamp your feet and everything.
I've decided to be brave.
Good girl. You might just
as well make the best of it.
Huh? It'll all be over in a little while.
Oh!
Let's go tell the others.
They'll be real happy
she's taking it like a man
considering she's a girl.
Mr. and Mrs. Howell! Wait till
you hear the good news!
Mary Ann knows,
and she's calm as anything!
Oh, what a relief.
Thurston, did you hear that?
Now we can stop pretending.
Yes, Mary Ann, you have our sympathy
though I must say it's a small loss.
What?
Thurston, must you be so blunt?
Well, it's not the end of the world.
Sure. This kinda
thing happens every day!
Yes, dear. We cry a little,
and then we forget.
I've got a good idea.
Why don't we give a party to celebrate?
I've been saving a bottle
of bubbly 1932
oh, how can you all be so
callous at a time like this?
How can you think of giving
a party at a time like this?
Whatever's the matter
with that poor little girl?
Well, I'll admit 1932 was a bad year
but to get so hysterical about it..
She probably cries
over a bad crepe suzette.
Professor: Aw, the poor girl.
I'll give her a week. Maybe less.
Skipper: It would break
my heart to have to tell her.
Gilligan: The same thing
happened to a friend of mine's sister.
She never recovered, never
recovered, never recovered.
She's so sweet and innocent.
Never recovered.
You can't be sure about mushrooms.
They might be poisonous.
Never recovered. Mushrooms.
She's so sweet and innocent.
Never recovered
Where am I?
Nurse?
Nurse?
Nurse!
Did you ring, my dear?
What am I doing in the hospital?
What's wrong with me?
I'm sorry, but I'm not allowed
to tell a patient
with a fatal disease
what's wrong with them.
You mean I have a fatal disease?
Wherever did you get that idea?
From you.
Oh, no wonder
all the nurses call me
miss blabbermouth.
[Knock on door]
Come in.
Ah, good morning, nurse!
Good morning, doctor.
Ha ha! Great day to be alive.
For some of us, that is.
You're always a million laughs, doctor.
Ha ha. Thank you.
And who have we here?
I'm Mary Ann. Who are you?
Oh, I'm kindly Dr. Zorbagalespie
lovable chief of staff. That's who I..
She's an inquisitive
little creature, isn't she?
Well"Mary Ann frobersher."
That's who she was, alright.
Was?
You must be the one they call
miss blabbermouth.
Well, this doesn't look too bad.
Oh, yes, yes.
Ooh! Ooh, ooh.
[Whistles]
Ha ha wow! Wowie.
Ooh! Hoo!
Well, there's nothing to worry
about, my dear.
I have a feeling you're hiding
something from me.
Nonsense!
This room will be available
this afternoon.
Shall we charge her for the full day?
Please I have to see old Dr. Young.
Well, you can't see old Dr. Young.
He's on another case.
He can't be bothered.
Bothered? But I'm gonna die!
Well, that's exactly the sort
of thing that bothers him.
Oh, nurse, let me see young Dr. Young.
I'm awfully sick!
My dear, this is a hospital.
We have more important things to do
than take care of sick people.
More important!
We're preparing a TV series.
Oh, please, I've gotta see somebody!
Yes, and so you shall,
my dear. You shall indeed.
We are flying in at no expense
to us but a bundle to you
three of the most important
surgeons in the world!
Mustn't keep them waiting, my dear.
I'll send them in the moment
they arrive, doctor.
I, miss frobersher, shall
make other arrangements.
Other arrangements?
The next of kin
and who rides with the family.
Ohh!
Oh, so nice to see you,
doctor, doctor, uh..
Dr. Boyer!
Please, I do not have time for
zee chit-chat, doctor.
I hope I have not arrived too late, eh?
Of course, of course.
The services won't be until tomorrow.
Miss frobersher, neither
the wind nor the rain
nor the dark night could keep me
from your side.
Isn't that what the mailmen say?
Oui. I graduated from
a correspondent school.
Oh, doctor, you've got to tell
me the truth. Please?
First I take ze pulse, eh?
Oh, well.
Doctor, I'm still alive!
Please, when I make
a diagnoses, it's final.
Hey, something is wrong.
[Knock on door]
Put your hands down, partner.
It's me.
Oh, it's old doc Dillon,
specialist from the west.
Where's this sick filly?
Right this way, doctor.
Well, sorry, ma'am.
Got here as soon as I could.
[Horse whinnies]
You came by horse?
Well, that's what slowed me down a little.
You see, I got a ticket on the freeway
For attracting flies.
This, doctor, is a very sick girl.
Well, I'll have this case
diagnosed in no time.
Let me see what it says
here on the last roundup.
Well, now
We got a broken fetlock.
Doctor, that's the bedpost.
Don't listen to her.
She thinks she knows everything.
[Knock on door]
Oh, come in, please!
Dear, dear, dear, you look awful!
Oh, he ain't the patient.
Well, you look even worse.
I'm the patient!
Oh, well, stick out your tongue.
Ah, yes, well, I think
we're going to have to operate.
Operate? What have I got?
Well, you've got a severe case
of room is igloomis.
Zat is what you have, alright.
What is room is igloomis?
It's a medical term, my dear.
No concern of yours.
Oh, but I'm the one who's got it.
Well, if you insist upon knowing,
igloomis is from the eskimo word
igloo, meaning mush.
Roomis is from the Latin word
motel, meaning vacancy
or, in the layman's tongue, room
therefore room is igloomis, mush room.
Mush room.
Mushrooms!
I ate poison mushrooms!
Zat is ze only way
to catch room is igloomis.
Well, let's get on with the operation.
I got to get back to a sick calf.
I will ring for the operating nurse.
Where is the ringer, eh?
The ringer?
[Mumbling]
You rang, doctor?
Hmm? Not yet.
Ohh, zis kind of nurse
is my kind of nurse.
Now, see here, doctor.
We haven't got time for tomfoolery!
Oh, yes, we do.
I've got time for Tom foolery.
Dick and Harry foolery, too.
We got to prepare for an operation.
Where can we find a kitchen table?
Now, just a minute, doctor.
We've got to scrub up.
Now, nurse, where
do we go to scrub up?
Walk this way, gentlemen.
We'll try and walk that way, ma'am,
but I don't think we'll make it.
No stampedin' now!
Oh, isn't anybody going
to pay any attention to me?
I'm the one who's sick!
Ohh, please.
Please, somebody help me.
I'll help you, honey.
Oh, get old doctor young
or young Dr. Young.
I'm too young to die.
Oh, please, help me.
Take it easy, honey,
you're going to be alright.
You're going to be fine.
Take it easy.
Wake up. Wake up, honey.
It's only a bad dream.
Wake up.
Where am I?
You were having a dream.
Pretty bad one
from the way you were yelling.
Oh, it wasn't a dream, ginger.
I ate some poison mushrooms.
That's why you had a nightmare.
Mary Ann, those mushrooms
weren't poisonous.
W-Well, why were
the 3 of you so nice to me?
You know. To make you forget
Horace higgenbothum.
Horace? What's he got to do with it?
He got married!
Horace higgenbothum got married?
Oh, the poor girl.
Poor girl?
Oh, ginger, Horace is a real creep.
How come all those letters,
all the ones I mailed?
Oh, I'm sorry about that gilligan.
I guess I acted sort of foolish.
Well, you see, ginger
has so many boyfriends
and Mrs. Howell has Mr. Howell
and I just wanted somebody
to think I had someone,
so I invented a romance.
Oh, we all care for you.
Well, certainly. You didn't have
to scare us half to death
to make us prove it.
Oh, I guess you think
I'm pretty silly, huh?
Silly? Just because you write a letter
and address it to a guy you hardly know
and stuff it in a bottle
and throw it in the ocean?
Who would call that silly? Ha!
Hi, boys. What's for dinner?
Hi, Mary Ann.
Mushrooms.
What?
Oh, we're just kidding you, Mary Ann.
I guess it'll be a long time
before you'll eat another mushroom.
Boy, you can say that again.
I guess it'll be a long time before
oh, ha ha ha!
You don't have to worry
about mushrooms anymore.
I got a book that tells about them.
You do?
Uh-huh, yeah, and it's called
"how to tell a mushroom from a toadstool
by the late Dr. Morton kept stoned."
Both: The late?
The late?
Now this is a tale of our castaways ♪
they're here for a long, long time ♪
they'll have to make the best of things ♪
it's an uphill climb ♪
the first mate and his skipper, too ♪
will do their very best ♪
to make the others comfortable ♪
in their tropic island nest ♪
no phone, no light ♪
no motorcars, not a single luxury ♪
like Robinson crusoe ♪
it's primitive as can be ♪
so join us here each week, my friends ♪
you're sure to get a smile ♪
from 7 stranded castaways ♪
here on gilligan's isle ♪♪