Elsbeth (2024) s02e20 Episode Script

1
(ALARM BUZZING)
So, who did you kill?
Nobody.
I was arrested for harassing a witness.
Is this the men's wing?
ROCCO: Eh, they waxed the floors.
We got to go around.
- ELSBETH: Hmm.
- (INDISTINCT CHATTER)
ROCCO: Harassing a witness?
Does that mean?
I was working with the police.
Oh. Well
that should make you
real popular in here.
Oh, I intend to keep a low profile.
Elsbeth Tascioni?
Oh. Hello, Joe.
Let me guess.
You stuck your nose
where it didn't belong.
Something like that.
Well, you know what this means.
My case must be thrown out.
Fruit of a poison tree, huh?
Good luck with that.
- Keep moving.
- Oh.
So much for a low profile.
Well, I shouldn't be in here too long.
I have a right to a speedy trial.
Yeah. You ever seen one of those?
Honestly, no. Alex Modarian?
Ms. Tascioni.
I'm flattered you remember.
You never forget your first.
I knew this day would come.
What day is that?
(CHUCKLES)
(PRISONERS CLAMORING)
So, uh, when you say
you work with the police,
what does that mean?
It's a little complicated.
I was just trying to banish you
from my thoughts, and
- Here you are.
- ELSBETH: Oh.
- Hello, Quinn.
- Come on.
I see prisoners get to have
a lot of their own stuff in their cells.
Mm Even here, the tyranny
of materialism reigns.
Freya?
And Vanessa.
Mm. I got stuck in a double.
Well, well, if it isn't
the woman who ruined my life.
I'd argue committing murder did that.
So did Quinn mention me
when you walked by?
- Did she ask about me?
- Oh, give it a rest.
- VANESSA: Shh. Hmm?
- This way.
Hmm?
Uh, seems like there's
a lot of drama in here,
- like high school.
- MARGO: Well, what'd you expect?
Human beings have their needs, Elsbeth.
Margo Clarke, the matchmaker.
Only for those who pay.
This way.
What does she mean "pay"?
They took my wallet.
Do you like ramen?
Well, who doesn't?
- Why do you ask?
- (WHIMPERS)
(GRUNTS)
ROCCO: Here you go.
Home sweet home.
(BELL RINGS)
WOMAN (OVER P.A.):
Activity time has ended.
Gosh, that garlic sure smells good.
I'm not talking to you.
May I offer you something to read?
How are you able
to just walk around in here?
As a prison "trusty,"
I am granted certain privileges
and responsibilities,
including the administration
of the book cart,
in return for my contribution
to the jail community.
What contribution is that?
I put on plays with the other
prisoners based on their cases.
That sounds therapeutic.
I'd love for you to come
to the next rehearsal.
(GROANS) You know how much
I love theater.
Oh, I do. I think you'd just die.
PUPETTA: Hey, Stanislavski,
I ordered anchovies.
- What's the holdup?
- I've got your order.
But the price has changed.
Oh, what? By how much?
Five bags instead of three.
(SIGHS) You're a crook, you know that?
Taking advantage of people in here.
Here you go.
Inflation is everywhere, my love.
(LAUGHS) Oh, no, no, no.
Don't you call me "my love."
I am not your love.
You'll get yours, Modarian.
Mark my words.
Are you threatening me, Carmela?
It's Pupetta!
(HEAVY FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING)
Ugh. (STAMMERS)
Give me that. (GRUNTS)
(LAUGHS)
Do we have a problem here?
No. No problem at all.
No, just doing some business.
I don't want to see.
I don't want to know.
Welcome. What's your name?
Elsbeth Tascioni.
Elsbeth?
I've heard people in here
screaming that name at night.
- I'm the warden.
- Oh.
Mrs. Martin. Everyone call me Mama.
Oh. Right.
(WHISPERING): You have any issues
in here, you come to me.
Okay. Thank you.
I don't know why it's so hard
for attractive, extremely wealthy women
to find satisfying relationships.
Thank God for you, Margo.
You don't have to thank me,
Lainey. That's what I do.
(DOOR OPENS)
Someone's there. Who is it?
MARGO: What are you doing here,
Ms. Tascioni?
Oh, hello. Gosh.
I thought of some other
questions I wanted to ask,
since I'm-I'm working with the police,
but I'm not technically with the police,
so I don't really have
the authority to do anything.
- (LAUGHING): It's so good.
- Hey!
I caught you trying to plant evidence.
What? I never did that ever.
Quiet, Ms. Tascioni, or I will
ask you to leave this rehearsal.
All right, let's stop there.
That was lovely, everybody.
Some lovely performances. Quinn
I want you to go further.
Hey, does he need to be touching her?
No, he does not.
Remember, this character, Elsbeth,
she is the personification
of corruption.
She pretends to be innocent, but really,
it's only a ruse to persecute
her perceived enemies.
I think I just got caught up
in the tote bags.
- Do I have to carry so many?
- FREYA: Yeah.
She really can't handle it.
I don't know why you
keep casting her. I mean, I do.
- We all do.
- ALEX: Quiet.
Matteo, uh, Quinn needs
some kind of support.
Could we get her some shoulder pads?
I don't know why you haven't
thought about it already.
Oh, really?
Maybe I was too busy creating costumes
using old uniforms and duct tape.
I should be thinking
more about Quinn's delicate shoulders.
Hey. Leave this poor girl alone.
Quinn, I am here for you
for whatever you need.
VANESSA: Yeah, I'm here for you, too.
- MARGO: Seriously?
- JOE: Aggressive much?
Hello, Matteo.
(CHUCKLING): Elsbeth.
Oh, I see the fashion police
finally got you.
- (BELL RINGS)
- Well, that's it for today.
So, tomorrow, we will begin
with the scene where
Elsbeth frames Vanessa.
Do you find the play interesting?
Oh, yes. It's like you held
a fun house mirror up to my life
and then hit me with it.
But I noticed the others
don't respect you at all.
That's because
I'm getting to their truth.
I'm the most hated person here. (GASPS)
Well, I was until you arrived.
I just don't understand.
How can they just hold her
in there indefinitely?
Dousant is taking Crawford's
death out on Elsbeth,
and the fact that she had
a record in Chicago
doesn't help matters.
- What if we go to the press?
- Mm
KAYA: Get some reporter
at the New York View
to write something sympathetic?
That won't be easy.
After Van Ness' divorce and her presence
at Crawford's assassination?
Even though she did nothing wrong?
I'm on your side, Detective Blanke.
I know. I'm sorry, Captain.
It's just
I'm leaving on assignment in a few days,
and the thought of her
not getting out before then
It all comes down to that Judge Dousant.
Maybe I can appeal to
the better angels of his nature.
CONNOR: Are you sure you
want to do that, sir?
It might be seen as inappropriate.
WAGNER: That's the least I can do.
And, you know
I can be very persuasive.
I hope so.
I'm just so afraid what
could happen to her in there.
Whew. (GIGGLES) Oh, hey. Rocco.
I was wondering, can I ask you a favor?
I finished reading the book
that I borrowed from the cart,
Further Echoes in the Gulch
by N.D. Longacre.
(SIGHS) Such a page turner.
I even read the cryptic love messages
written on the inside covers.
Do you think that's a way
to pass messages
between the male and female wing?
Or between people in the same wing.
Aw, that's sweet.
Oh, but, um Listen, listen. Uh
I was wondering, do you think
maybe that you could, um,
take me to the library and I could
check out something else?
Uh I can't.
I'm in trouble with the warden today.
Oh, no. What kind of trouble?
She caught me watching cat videos
- on my phone while on duty.
- Oh, boy.
That can happen.
Sometimes Captain Wagner
will come into the office unannounced,
and I'm looking at bucket hats on Etsy.
Captain C.W. Wagner? You know him?
Yeah. He's my boss.
Was? Maybe. Why?
I really want to be a cop,
so I read all about the NYPD.
He's one of the best.
He is. I would love
to introduce you someday.
I mean, I would love to be able to say,
"This is Rocco Bellini.
He was extra nice to me
while I was in here."
(WHISPERING): Okay, now,
you can't tell anyone.
(WHISPERING): Okay.
(DOOR UNLOCKS)
ELSBETH: Mr. Modarian.
Mr. Modarian?
(GASPS) Whoa!
Code red in the library. Lock it down.
- (ALARM BLARING)
- MAN (OVER P.A.): Code red. Code red.
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
Okay
So, it looks like
he was stabbed in the back,
but I don't see the murder weapon.
Don't touch anything!
Uh, hmm, did he always eat
ramen while writing scripts?
Huh. Hmm. (SNIFFS) That is
such a distinctive smell.
The warden was in the men's wing.
- She'll get here soon.
- Oh.
We should check
the temperature of the broth.
It might help with time of death.
Uh, excuse me.
Do either of you have a thermometer?
(SIGHS, SNIFFS)
Gosh, what is that smell?
(PANTING)
How the hell did this happen?
We don't know.
What are you doing here?
I was just gonna trade
one book for another.
Okay, pick one and get out.
Actually, I think I have
more interesting things
to occupy my time.
ELSBETH: Hi.
Uh, you said I should
come to you with any issues.
I figured finding a dead body qualifies.
Yup. (SIGHS) And it happened
on my watch.
I imagine it's, um, it's unusual
for someone to be murdered
in such a secure setting.
Yeah. Well
the library is one of the few places
that the security cameras don't reach.
Plus the kitchen and the laundry.
It's frustrating because I like to know
what goes on in every inch
of this place.
Yeah, there's just, um,
so many things
I can't quite figure out
- Uh-uh. No. Put-put it down.
- Sorry.
(SIGHS) I mean, don't worry about it.
There's a crack team
of investigators on the outside
who handle this sort of stuff.
Hope it's not the same team
that handled Jeffrey Epstein.
- (CHUCKLES)
- Everyone has a bad day.
Uh, I just wonder,
where are they gonna start?
Because there are
a lot of people in here
who hated Alex Modarian.
True, and it happened
during activity time,
so it's hard to know
people's whereabouts.
I do notice that you allow people
a surprising amount of personal freedom.
Look.
A lot of these people,
they're pampered elites,
and they need to feel like
they're still in control
of their lives
or they don't stop bellyaching.
So we have arts and crafts.
We have play practice.
I love arts and crafts.
Okay, well, have at it.
Will you just keep your head down?
- Yes. Thanks.
- And you'll be fine.
Okay.
Oh, and, uh
You know, if you get sick
of the food or the-the ramen
I have some Lean Cuisine.
Thank you.
(CHUCKLES)
Ooh! I love all your totes.
I carry a bunch of totes.
(LAUGHS) My friends, they, uh,
they like to, um, make
jokes about it sometimes,
but, um, I know it comes
from a place of love.
I was wondering, when is
my first day for visitors?
You just got here, so it's
gonna be at least a week.
Oh. Something to look forward to, then.
(CHUCKLES)
DOUSANT: I want a slight break
on the cuff.
I don't want to see it
bunch up on the shoe,
but I don't want to see any sock.
No bunching, no sock. I fix, I fix.
Judge Dousant.
Captain Wagner.
Funny, I would've thought
you bought off the rack.
I'm here on official business.
Give us a minute.
Careful, you're still pinned.
I think I'm going to enjoy this.
Go ahead. Say your piece.
You need to know, while working
on her consent decree,
Elsbeth Tascioni has solved
a number of important murder cases.
She should be given
the benefit of the doubt.
She should not be behind bars.
- And yet, she is.
- Because of you.
Now, look, I understand the death
of a fellow judge
is extremely upsetting
"The death of"?
Milton Crawford was gunned down
on the courthouse steps in cold blood
while your friend Elsbeth Tascioni
stood by and watched.
At that moment, Captain,
the world changed.
There is no benefit
of the doubt. Not anymore.
That woman has proven herself
to be a threat,
and she will receive the
punishment that's coming to her.
Is that all?
Your sleeves are uneven.
This is silly. I just got here.
(SIGHS) The investigators
want us to search every cell
until we find the murder weapon,
and I need to get back
in the warden's good graces.
- Oh, right. Cat video-gate.
- Uh-huh.
But could a prisoner really
have something that deadly
just hidden away?
We confiscate wild stuff all the time.
You'd be amazed what people
can make in arts and crafts,
which, uh, I see you've been to.
Oh. Too much?
- I like it.
- Of course, uh,
I've seen all kinds of things
used to kill people:
golf cart, blender,
uh, cat dander.
- Clear.
- Oh.
- Thank you.
- Mm-hmm.
Just can't stop thinking
about the murder.
You're just lonely.
Try to make friends
with the other inmates.
Hello, Quinn.
I thought you might want
someone to walk with.
Oh, I see your limp went away.
- No, it's still there.
- Wasn't it the other leg?
What do you want, Elsbeth?
Oh, I just wanted to tell you that,
of all the people I caught,
I think you might be the smartest.
The way you set up your alibi
with that Zoom meeting?
Ugh, that was genius.
You almost did get away with it.
Maybe because I'm innocent.
Oh, right. Sure.
You know, I feel like
I've come to know you better
after playing you.
(LAUGHING): Oh. You were
so good at playing me.
- Alex didn't think so.
- What?
He gave me so many notes.
When he wasn't hitting on me.
Sometimes when he was.
Ugh, that sounds awful.
I bet, deep down, you really hated him.
I didn't kill him, Elsbeth.
I couldn't have.
I was meditating,
working on my next big idea.
Really? And where was that?
Here in the yard.
Did anyone see you?
Maybe Margo?
MARGO: Meditating?
That does ring a bell.
ELSBETH: Hmm. I mean, you could
be lying, though.
I remember how you got rid
of that brass cupid.
That was awfully clever.
And it wasn't premeditated. If I did it.
Makes it all the more impressive.
Can I help you with this?
(SCOFFS) Be my guest.
(CHUCKLES) This is fun.
Mm-hmm. So tell me, Elsbeth
I do still love that name
did you ever find romance?
Funny you should ask. I did.
I meet someone wonderful.
His name's Angus.
He's a good man. He's not like most men.
Mm-hmm. Can't live with them,
can't kill them and get away with it.
You mean Alex Modarian?
He asked me all about my work.
He said it was for his play,
but he was really just trying
to pick up tips on how
to seduce women in here.
- No.
- Yeah. Alex was a slimeball,
but I didn't kill him.
I was actually watching
a Lavish Ladies marathon
- in the lounge.
- Oh, I love that show.
But I thought you were
in the yard with Quinn.
I went back and forth.
Of course I was hard to catch.
I killed the wrong person, allegedly.
Yeah, that made it so much trickier.
A toast to you, Elsbeth.
What is this? It's called pruno.
Otherwise known as toilet wine.
Ooh, no, thank you. I'm not thirsty.
You do know I'm a master mixologist,
and I'm scrupulous about maintaining
the most sanitary conditions.
But it's made in a toilet.
One that I've never used.
Which takes extreme discipline
that I actually don't even
want to get into right now.
Impressive. But, still, no, thank you.
Just as well.
I mean, who knows when I'm gonna
get my next batch of supplies,
now that Modarian is dead.
Not that I'll miss the son of
a bitch, with what he charged.
I'm not rich like other people here.
You know, I don't have
that kind of money.
Wait, I thought people
paid for things in ramen.
That's for the small stuff.
There's plenty of cash changing hands,
thousands and thousands,
and it all went through him.
Sounds like you really hated him.
ROCCO: All right, we got to go.
ELSBETH: What is this again?
VANESSA: It's a facial I made
out of coffee grounds.
ELSBETH: Whatever you're doing,
it's working.
You both look amazing.
We also got some Elle-Même
samples from Alex.
He does like his girls
to look as young as possible.
Let that sit.
Yeah, Quinn said that Alex
hit on her all the time.
That must've really bothered you.
FREYA: You know she's baiting you.
Oh, please. I don't have
any designs on Quinn.
I mean, she's cute and all,
but she's a cold-blooded killer.
FREYA: Aren't we all?
Supposedly.
So, who do you think killed Alex?
VANESSA: I have no idea.
I was giving myself a cucumber
eye treatment at the time.
I couldn't even see what time it was.
FREYA: It's true, she was.
If you ask me, it had to be someone
who had run of the place.
Rocco, huh?
You know, could be.
It's always the quiet ones.
I don't know. He seems nice.
What are you doing with the slicing?
We're not having burgers.
Well, this plastic knife
isn't exactly sharp.
We do the best with what we have.
I have to say, you do seem
pretty comfortable here.
Do I?
Well, I mean,
I'm not the first Del Ponte
to grace these hallowed halls, you know?
My Uncle Vinnie, he was legendary.
Oh. I loved my Uncle V.
He used to sign
his birthday cards with, like,
he'd make the V into a little heart.
- Oh, sweet.
- Yeah.
Why was he legendary?
Well, the story goes he was
digging a tunnel to get out,
but he never finished it.
Probably because his girlfriend
was in the women's wing,
and he didn't want to leave her.
Aw, that is so romantic.
- My Aunt Loretta hates that story.
- Oh.
Look at you go.
PUPETTA: This is how they did it
in Goodfellas.
Is that a razor blade?
Shh.
I made it in arts and crafts,
but you got to run it under cold water,
or it cooks in your hands.
Why? What's it made of?
I figured something out.
Is that a pom-pom vest?
Yeah. Arts and crafts,
which is where someone
crafted the murder weapon
out of ramen.
(LAUGHS) Just like
Pupetta's razor blade.
Pupetta made a razor blade?
Uh (STAMMERS) Just to slice garlic.
But whoever killed Alex
could've made a knife
sharp enough to stab him out of ramen.
And then they dropped it
in the bowl of hot water
to make the murder weapon disappear.
Wow. That makes sense.
I mean, you would not believe
some of the stuff
Rocco and I have grabbed
out of people's hands over the years.
What do you usually do with it?
Well, if it started as food
that they stashed away, I
I make them eat it.
Huh.
Good job, 24602.
This is a real breakthrough.
(LAUGHS)
Uh, how do you mean?
Pupetta Del Ponte.
You're under arrest,
again, for the murder of Alex Modarian.
W-W-Wait. No, no, no, no.
She didn't do it.
She needed Alex to get her anchovies.
And the ramen at the crime scene
didn't smell like garlic.
You did this?
A te la mala puttanesca!
(ALARM BUZZING)
(DOORS CLANKING)
(ROUSING MUSIC PLAYING)
ALEX: And now, the Elsbeth Murderesses
in their rendition
of the "Suspect Tango."
I met Alex Modarian in the library.
I like to go there
to read press coverage
of my wrongful detention.
It's hard not having photo approval.
Anyway, Alex told me I had the makings
of a great actress.
Now, I have enough daddy issues
to know what was going on,
but he told me he had
connections at Vanity Fair
who could help me achieve my media plan.
Of course, I checked it out.
Connections, my ass.
He once sat behind Tina Brown
at a screening. Miramax.
Nobody lies to me. I lie to them first.
So you killed him?
What if I did?
He had it coming, he had it coming ♪
He only had himself to blame ♪
If you had been there ♪
If you had seen it ♪
I betcha you would
Have done the same ♪
Alex was my supplier.
You can't eat the slop
they serve around here.
I had a standard puttanesca order:
tomatoes, anchovies,
olives, capers, garlic
and extra virgin olive oil.
He used to make this joke about me
ordering "extra virgin." Ha-ha.
I told him, "You make that joke
one more time"
(LAUGHS) And he did.
So you did it?
Let's just say, if I wanted
him dead, he'd be dead.
- Oh, he's dead.
- Funny coincidence.
He had it coming, he had it coming ♪
He only had himself to blame ♪
If you'd have been there,
If you'd have seen it ♪
I betcha you would
Have done the same ♪
Alex came by with his book cart.
We started talking about theater.
Turns out we both had an appreciation
for the plays of August Strindberg.
He put his hand on my knee,
told me he thought I'd be perfect
for the cold, vicious wife
in The Dance of Death.
Here's the thing about me.
When something makes me
feel bad, I throw it away.
I met him on the outside.
He'd come to my office
for consultations.
Not for himself.
No, for his actress girlfriends
who were beginning to look
a little 30. (SCOFFS)
Guy like that, good for business
but rotten for the human race.
So you murdered him?
Well, as I tell my patients,
I could take years off your life.
He had it coming, he had it coming ♪
He had it coming all along ♪
We didn't do it ♪
But if we'd done it ♪
How could you tell me
That we were wrong? ♪
Alex Modarian is the kind of man
that drives women to hire a matchmaker.
He had what we call "B.D.E."
Big director energy.
He found me on the yard one day
and asked me to be in his
little jailhouse theatricals.
He said he could tell by looking at me
that I could sing
and bring the house down.
He could tell by looking at me?
I admit it, I hated that man,
and I hated that he was right.
He had it coming, he had it coming ♪
He had it coming all along ♪
- I didn't do it ♪
- She didn't do it ♪
- But if I'd done it ♪
- But if she'd done it ♪
He would tell me that I was wrong ♪
The dirty bum, bum, bum, bum, bum ♪
The dirty bum, bum, bum, bum, bum ♪
He had it coming, he had it coming ♪
He only had himself to blame ♪
If you'd have been there,
If you'd have seen it ♪
I betcha you would have done ♪
The same. ♪
ROCCO: Tascioni.
Oh, gosh.
(SIGHS)
Oh, I have no idea where I just went.
Yeah, people tend to imagine
themselves anyplace else,
even if it's just a better jail.
The dead guy, Alex, thought he was
getting transferred to a nicer facility,
one with a tennis court.
That doesn't sound right.
Well, that's what he told me.
Poor guy didn't make it.
WAGNER: I've tried every
connection I have.
No luck.
So I'm not gonna
see her again before I go.
We don't know that.
(KNOCK ON DOOR)
We have a visitor.
So, I had an idea.
Uh, I kept going back to
what incredible bad luck it was
that Judge Crawford was on
the bench for the Mertens case,
when he was the one
who killed Andy Mertens.
- Allegedly.
- But yes.
Yeah, but, I-I mean, what are the odds?
But then I thought,
"Well, what if it wasn't luck?"
So I looked at
the public records, and I found
Crawford wasn't the original
judge assigned to the case.
Uh, you mean
It was Judge Dousant.
Th-The judge that put Mom in jail.
He recused himself, but there's
no other information on why.
Oh, this is good, Teddy.
You'd make an excellent detective.
What? No.
KAYA: Okay, we have to find out
everything we can about
Dousant's connection to Crawford
and the Mertens case.
I'll get on it.
No, you have too much on your plate.
Officer Chandler.
Yeah? Oh, you-you, uh
you got something for me?
Is it is it to help Ms. Tascioni?
Whatever it is, I-I'm on it. Yes.
- Vinnie Del Ponte's secret tunnel?
- Mm-hmm.
It's a great Mafia myth. Doesn't exist.
Oh. One other question.
Alex Modarian thought
he was being transferred
to a cushier prison soon. Is that true?
That means something, doesn't it?
He had a meeting scheduled with the D.A.
for the day after he died.
Do you think he was trying
to make a deal?
Well, what would he have to offer?
(SCOFFS)
The plays.
The plays.
I mean, maybe he was gathering
information on the others
for the D.A. to use in their trials,
and I don't know
maybe one of them found out,
or maybe they all did.
That's a serious motive.
This is great work, Elsbeth.
I need you to find out more.
Okay, you are my eyes
and my ears on this whole thing.
I'm counting on you.
Pupetta. Oh, you're back in your cell.
That's good.
Listen, I am so sorry.
Oh, it's fine.
So you're the new trusty, huh?
I can't pay my vig right now.
I have to wait till
Gene Jr. comes to visit
- and brings more cash.
- Oh, that's okay.
I have no idea how to procure
capers and anchovies anyway,
but, um, can I offer you
a novel by N.D. Longacre?
Mm. My Uncle Vinnie, he loved her.
Huh. I wouldn't have thought
Wait. You said your Uncle Vinnie
used to turn
his first initial into a heart
on your birthday cards.
By any chance, did it look like this?
That's my Uncle Vinnie's handwriting.
- Really?
- Mm-hmm.
He could've been sending
this message to his girlfriend.
- Oh. "Sheets at 8:00."
- "Cook in the sheets at 8:00."
Do you have any idea what that means?
DOUSANT: I-I just caught
a flash of my sock.
Because you move your foot.
- I fix, I fix, I fix.
- Judge.
Didn't we already play this scene?
Officer Chandler has been
digging into your recusal
from the Andy Mertens murder trial.
I found some interesting stuff.
Very interesting.
I don't know what you're talking about.
I asked Judge Crawford
to take over for me
because of a scheduling conflict.
You were invited on a junket
paid for by a major donor
to the Historical Law Society.
That's totally legal.
He had no business before my court.
WAGNER: Do you really think
that was a coincidence?
The Historical Law Society
has been cleaning up messes
and protecting Milton Crawford
his whole life.
They got you out of there
so he could preside
over a murder trial
where he was the murderer.
If you had any proof,
you would've charged Crawford
before he died, but you didn't.
As far as I'm concerned,
this matter is closed.
- WAGNER: There's one other detail.
- DOUSANT: Mm-hmm.
You didn't go alone on that junket.
You took a woman
who is not your wife.
I tracked down an employee
at the hunting lodge.
Very nice, a little indiscreet.
That woman that I brought
was my secretary.
WAGNER: No.
We checked.
Chloe is a consultant.
(LAUGHS)
So, about Elsbeth Tascioni
This is inedible.
PUPETTA: Well, I'm not allowed
in the kitchen anymore
because someone got me in trouble.
I said I was sorry.
Does anyone remember
when that fancy chef was here?
QUINN: Oh, my God, yes.
Her food was incredible.
VANESSA: I think she killed
her sous chef.
You mean her prep cook.
That's what it was.
I know the events of the last few days
have been upsetting,
but I want to assure you all
proper measures are being taken
and you are all safe.
Are there any questions?
ELSBETH: Hi.
Yup.
Hi. Um, I just think that
people will only feel safe
when the mystery of who murdered
Alex Modarian is solved.
And it wasn't me.
Yes. Well, there is an outside
investigation taking place.
But the thing is they
haven't solved it yet,
- but I have.
- (SCOFFS)
It wasn't easy
because there are
a lot of people in here
who had strong motives and weak alibis.
But that's because
all of the wealthy inmates
have been given so much freedom
to move around,
by the warden.
And that helped you with your plan
because you killed Alex Modarian.
(INMATES GASPING, MURMURING)
Oh, my
(LAUGHS)
Oh, you're crazy. Oh.
That's disappointing.
Officer Bellini, get her out of here.
No. We all want to hear
what she has to say.
(INMATES MURMURING IN AGREEMENT)
Oh, this is ridiculous. Okay.
What motive did I have?
Alex was about to meet with the D.A.
to offer information
in order to be transferred
to a better prison,
but the information that he had
wasn't about his fellow inmates.
It was about you and
the black market that you run.
I don't know what you're talking about.
Yes, you do. You only pretend
not to as a cover.
"I don't want to see,
I don't want to know."
Yes.
You were the source
of all of the contraband
that Alex was selling,
stuff that you snuck inside,
inside your tote bags.
Believe me, I know tote bags.
You store it all in that
way too big refrigerator
with the padlock.
Nobody needs to padlock Lean Cuisines.
That's not true.
ELSBETH: Alex collected all the cash
and gave it to you.
But he was gonna turn the tables,
so you stabbed him in the back.
Really? With what?
That bowl of ramen by Alex's body
had such a distinctive smell,
and I just couldn't place it.
It wasn't until I heard that Chef Veev
was in here that I knew.
I took her Maestro Class,
learned to cook like her.
So I know the particular blend
of herbs and spices
she always used. (POPS LIPS)
But how did the smell get in the bowl
if Veev left months ago?
Because what was in that bowl
was the murder weapon.
You all remember Chef Veev.
She would've never been satisfied
with the plastic knives
that are allowed in the kitchen.
No. She would've made her own knife
out of ramen in arts and crafts,
- just like Pupetta's razor blade.
- Yes.
So you grabbed that ramen knife
out of Chef Veev's hand,
just like you grab
all the other homemade weapons,
but you didn't make people eat that one.
No, no, no. You kept it for yourself,
in case you needed it.
Unfortunately for you,
you never washed it,
at least not well enough.
So, when you used it to murder Alex
and then dropped it
in the bowl of hot water,
thinking, you know,
it would eventually incriminate
one of the inmates
who are obsessed with ramen,
it still had the mark
of Chef Veev. (KISSES)
Dating the weapon and leading
straight back to you.
You still got one problem.
I was in the men's wing
that whole morning.
You could check the security
cameras that still work.
Right. Yes.
That was the day that you caught Rocco
watching cat videos on his phone.
Who doesn't love those?
But here's the thing.
You usually wear your noisy shoes
to intimidate us,
clacking on the freshly waxed floors,
but this day,
you were able to sneak up on Rocco
without him even noticing.
Why?
So I put on a pair of sneakers.
How did I get from one wing to the other
so fast?
Behold!
Vinnie Del Ponte's secret tunnel.
(LAUGHS) Well,
actually, more like a hole in the wall
that he could crawl through
to meet up with his girlfriend.
He wrote to her
in the back of a Longacre novel,
"Cook in the sheets at 8:00,"
arranging their next assignation.
Cook, sheets.
Kitchen, laundry.
The secret passage that let you
slip from one wing to another,
giving you an alibi, until it didn't.
You're coming with me.
- (HANDCUFFS CLICKING)
- Good job, Officer Bellini.
Why did you go through all that trouble?
The guy was a jerk
who died in prison. Who cares?
The truth always matters.
Without it, we're lost.
Come on.
So she was our supplier?
Yup. Taking your money
and jacking up prices the whole time.
Great.
First you ruin our lives,
then you ruin prison.
Well
(SIGHS)
FLEMING: I've been working this job
for decades,
and I've never been poached.
I'm a little jealous.
Well, I I just
wanted to say thank you.
I've learned so much
from each one of you.
Well, we've learned a few things
from you, too.
Good luck, Kaya.
Captain.
So? What happened?
We did our best to get through to him.
(SIGHS)
And I think maybe we did.
(LAUGHS) He dismissed the case!
(EXCITED CHATTER, CHEERING)
Hi!
Oh, group hug. Group hug, everybody.
(EXCITED CHATTER AND CHEERING CONTINUE)
Thank you, Elsbeth, for your friendship
and for being such a good Cagney
to my Lacey.
Or vice versa.
This isn't goodbye.
I know.
- I'll be back.
- Okay.
And if you miss me, just look around
and pretend that someone you see,
anyone at all, is me undercover.
(GASPS) I'll do that.
(LAUGHING): Aw.
(GLASS CLINKING)
(CAMERON CLEARS THROAT)
A toast to my landlord
and my girlfriend, who happen
to be the same person.
(LAUGHTER)
Uh, the good thing
about an undercover assignment,
I hear, is that they always end.
So, Kaya, come back to us safe
and with great stories to tell.
To Kaya.
- ALL: To Kaya.
- Speech!
- Speech! Speech! Speech! Speech!
- (OTHERS JOIN IN CHANT)
ALL: Speech! Speech! Speech!
Speech! Speech!
I am not one for speeches.
I'm actually trying to
stop blurting stuff out.
(LAUGHTER)
Um, I would actually like to hear
from my newly free best friend.
- Oh.
- (OTHERS MURMURING IN AGREEMENT)
Your Shirley Temple.
Thank you.
Oh, goodness. (LAUGHS)
Um, I don't know what to say.
I just love Kaya so much.
And what she's doing is so brave
and such an inspiration.
OTHERS: Hear, hear.
It's hard to know
what's the right thing to do
sometimes.
I mean, maybe it always was, but
it seems especially hard right now.
I had some time
where I just was to, um
to think about
whether I should just give up
and go someplace else.
- How is Angus?
- (LAUGHTER)
He's fine.
Yes, he is.
But the thing is, Kaya is going
where she's needed.
And I think that's amazing.
And we will keep loving her
for as long as she's gone
("STRANGERS" BY THE KINKS PLAYING)
and when she comes back.
Mm-hmm.
But I think this is where I'm needed.
Where are you going ♪
Here, with all of you.
I've killed my world
and I've killed my time ♪
So, to Kaya
who is going on a new mission.
And to all of us,
who are staying for ours.
- Hear, hear.
- OTHERS: Cheers.
We are not two, we are one. ♪