Batman (1966) s02e22 Episode Script

NARRATOR".
When last we saw the Dynamic Duo Robin was in for a wax job.
And Batman was about to be skeletonized by the Joker's Human Key Duplicator.
Sad to say, nothing has changed.
Sorry to leave you, Batman, at this key point in your life but I have other more important things to tend to than my humdrum locksmith activities.
Heh-heh.
The actual skeletonizing process will begin shortly.
When it's over, and the Boy Wonder is properly waxed let me know.
Turn the spray on full.
This joke of the Joker's don't strike me as being funny.
What if we get caught? We won't, Latch.
Think of all we owe the Joker, the fine things he's done for us.
Sneaking those files into the prison dumping our parole officer in the Gotham River kidnapping that entire jury and holding the judge's wife as hostage.
He's been a real friend.
You're right, Bolt.
There should be more fine, upstanding men like the Joker.
Look, a living Bat skeleton.
I am not one given to trite sayings, Robin but I'd say I got you out of that Spray Wax Chamber in the nick of time.
Thanks to those underwater swimming lessons I could've held my breath a while longer.
How did you get out of that fiendish Key Duplicator, Batman? I jammed the machinery with a simple house key that I carry in my utility belt in case we're locked out.
When the cutting blade retracted, device automatically opened.
The Joker was none too sophisticated with his brilliant changes and innovations.
A good lesson, Robin: always carry an extra key.
I'd say you were both lucky to be still alive.
And stupid to have walked into that trap in the first place.
Without danger, the game grows cold.
Little is gained without risk.
True, indeed, sir.
Now, uh, if I may be permitted Mrs.
Cooper has invited her whist group to lunch.
- I promised I'd serve it punctually at 1, sir.
-Of course, Alfred.
Anyway, at least we know where the Joker's hideout is, Batman.
I hardly think that Mr.
Clavier Ankh and his crafty cohorts will be found at that address, Robin.
What do we do? Like Mohammed, we must wait until the mountain comes to us again.
Still alive? How can they be? Well, Batman is, that's for sure.
Oh, well, I might as well be philosophical about it.
Regardless of how clever the Dynamic Duo are their hours are measured.
In fact, I'm measuring them right now with this time machine.
I found a wrinkle.
Ah.
You're worried about wrinkles, Cornelia when I have just rebuilt and refined my magic box so that when I turn this key I can turn time either backward or forward or stop it completely.
Ha-ha-ha! - Will your gadget work anyplace, boss? -Anyplace and on anything or anybody.
For instance, somewhere in Gotham City right now the sidewalks are crowded and the traffic is busy.
Now, see what happens when I turn this key and time moves a bit faster.
And faster and faster and faster.
Then if I stop time and start it again, very slowly or even move it backwards slowly.
Let's try the Gotham Airport or the Gotham Ballpark or the handsome residence of millionaire Bruce Wayne.
You know, I never go inside Bruce's study.
But as long as I'm taking you girls on a tour of the house, we'll just Or even Commissioner Gordon's office.
Heh-heh.
Ha, ha! - Don't stop now, boss.
-Yeah, try it on Batman and Robin.
That's what I plan to do.
But I want to meet them face-to-face.
I want to see the results myself.
Heh-heh-heh.
Did you make this one out of cheese parings and lightning bugs too, Joker? Uh, no, Cornelia.
My newest triumph is composed of much more complicated parts: human frailties, the power of mass suggestion catalytic agents, unexplained phenomena.
Gee, all that in one box, boss? Plus two added components, Latch.
- A pellet and a pond.
-A what and a which? Ingredients which must remain secret for the nuns, Cornelia.
But they did their work today.
Ha-ha-ha! What's next, boss? Next, Bolt, to stop time throughout Gotham City unless the city fathers meet my demands.
You're so forceful when you demand things from fathers, Joker.
- What is it this time? -A mere $10 million, Cornelia.
Ha-ha-ha! But first a moment to catch my breath.
While another message I sent is being delivered about the time I imagine the Dynamic Duo are getting an emergency call.
Yes, commissioner.
I would've phoned you sooner, but I had nothing to report.
Well, I have something to report, Batman.
Our beloved metropolis seems to be in the grip of a strange spell.
Someone, and we suspect the Joker again, is playing a devious trick with time turning it backward, forward, faster, slower.
Sounds like he's improved on that magic box of his.
Which could spell disaster.
And there's an envelope for you here, Batman.
It's shaped in the form of a key.
Better open it and read me the message.
Time may be of the essence.
We can't afford to be wrong about this message, Robin.
That's just the way Commissioner Gordon read it over the phone.
"Thanks to the work of a single sphere, you saw what happened to time right here.
" I just may be onto something.
"Now, regard with care, my final O-HO.
" "0-HO.
" What does "O-HO" mean to you, Robin? Well, it's a word composed of two O's and one H.
- Mm-hmm.
-Holy hydraulics.
H2O, the chemical symbol for water.
I am onto something.
Now, the last line.
"I've a gargoyle's key and away I 90-90" Can you figure out those two words: "gargoyle's key"? I know gargoyles are grotesque figures that decorate some of Europe's old churches.
I see.
And their original functions their meanings, Robin, were water spouts drains, funnels, throughways Then a gargoyle's key could also be the key to a waterworks.
Yes, and that all ties into the first sentence.
"Thanks to the work of a single sphere.
" "Sphere.
" A ball is a sphere.
A marble a pebble, pill.
A pill.
The Joker could have gotten the key to the waterworks and polluted Gotham City's water.
I've heard that a character resembling the Joker was seen by a waterworks guard near the storage reservoir a night or so ago.
- Holy floodgate.
-Yes, Robin.
He may have started his job with one pill.
And now he's off to finish that job.
As insidious a scheme as could be imagined.
Extortion via time.
- We better get to the waterworks.
-If I may, sir? I didn't want to interrupt, but I heard the whole thing.
And I just can't let you and Master Robin run the risk really, sir.
- Let me go.
-You, Alfred? Yes.
Mrs.
Cooper's whist group left and she's gone to the theater.
In an hour, it will be dark, I shall have no difficulty in getting into the waterworks.
My cousin Egbert is night watchman there.
Remember Eggie, sir? As president of the Water Commission, you helped him get his job.
Now, it's more than likely that he's the man who saw the Joker and-- I seldom ask a favor, sir, but I do ask this one.
You see, I'd like to feel that I'm not only contributing my bit.
I like to feel that I'm part of the team, sir.
- Well spoken, Alfred.
-Of course, you're part of the team.
Then you will, sir, let me replace you in this crafty charade? Not exactly replace us, Alfred.
But it might not be a bad idea for you to replace your cousin in the security room.
That way, Robin and I could stake out the storage reservoir and be nearby and on the alert.
Hoping you'd say that, sir.
I, uh, brought my wheels, for want of a better word, with me and with no intention of infringement, sir I call it my Alf-Cycle.
I have my Two-way Alf-radio between the handlebars.
And, uh, I took the liberty of making the necessary adjustments on the Batmobile unit.
Good thinking, Alfred.
Well, arrivederci.
- Me, Egbert? -Yeah, you.
I should've made you stay out at the visitor's vestibule.
We got a rule around here.
Nobody allowed in this room except the authorized personnel.
That means me.
Who knows but that some misguided soul might try to slip in and pollute the city's water supply.
Yeah.
The other night, I caught some joker in the storage reservoir and threw him out.
A wise move indeed.
But I'm not here to upset security, Eggie, I'm here to relieve you.
Millionaire Bruce Wayne, for whom, as you know, I butle and a very influential gentleman with city government fears you may be overworked.
He ain't just talking.
He suggested that I replace you on your shift tonight and, uh, give you a bit of a breather.
I sure could use it.
And I know just the bit.
Bubbles LaBlue at The Follies.
That chick swings like a king's playground.
We're just about the same size, Eggie.
I'm sure your uniform would fit me.
Yeah, take off them specs, and we do look a little alike.
Next guard comes on duty at 4 a.
m.
Can't see too good.
Play it straight and he'll think you's me.
Don't worry, Eggie.
Any particular instructions? Ah.
All the watchmen has to do on this job is watch.
Now, that ain't too hard.
If you should happen to run into Tassles Laverne at The Follies say hello to her from me.
What am I doing here, Joker? A vent shaft in the waterworks? I wanted you here on the kill, Cornelia.
This little caper is my trump card, my coup d'état.
Got something to do with your box and key, Joker? And the bullets and the palms, or whatever you said? Ah, pellets and pond, Cornelia.
More simply, these pills and these waterworks.
-Those are pills? Oh, the chemist was in a whimsical mood when he filled the prescription.
But by dissolving my key-shaped capsule in the main reservoir and then resorting to the powers of my magic box and key I shall forever control the matter of time in Gotham City and thus my odious adversaries, the Dynamic Duo.
Don't forget those fathers, Joker, and all that mere dough.
Oh.
Never fear, Cornelia.
If you're gonna toss pills in water, why don't we climb over the fence? Too dangerous, Bolt.
Very tight security in here.
Except for that guard in there.
He can be bought.
Who wants to buy an old goat like that? Oh, Cornelia, he's on the take.
Fixable.
Oh.
This grill lifts easily.
Latch, Bolt.
Careful now.
Quietly, quietly.
Who goes there? I mean, here? Oh, good evening, friend.
You were sleeping so soundly I hoped not to disturb you.
How did you get in here? See that notice? We got a rule around here.
I know, but you were so courteous to me the other evening near the storage reservoir.
Courteous, sir? I threw you out.
Uh, the old fellow seems a bit befuddled.
Oh, this might help you recollect.
Add it to the fiver I gave you last time.
Eggie.
Bribed.
What? I got a frog kicking around my tonsils.
Well, a cup of nice fresh water should fix that.
There you are.
I hate to drink alone.
Oh, I'll join you, Daddy-o.
There are no mirrors around here.
No mirrors make me thirsty.
- No, no, Cornelia.
-You heard the lady, give her a drink.
And give that shifty-looking stooge one and that greasy goon.
While you're at it, have a big slug on me.
- Oh-- - Ay-yi-yi.
I ain't just talking, brother.
Now drink.
And now I'll take that box of yours.
- No.
-Come on, hand it over.
This iron box, real bullets? Hurry.
Come on.
Well, Joker, I guess this is the end of you and your gargoyle's KEY- Gargoyle's key? You're no security guard.
You must be working with Batman and Robin.
Come on, Daddy-o, give little old Cornelia that silly old box.
Mommy.
My word.
A bit too much.
Ah.
A truly remarkable contraption.
Stay right there.
Batman.
Batman.
- Alfred here.
- I read you, over.
The Joker and his cohorts are, so to speak, on ice.
At least I've managed to freeze them in time with the help of his unique invention.
Good going, Alfred.
We'll be right there.
Thank you, sir.
What happened, boss? Obviously the stupid fool removed the key from my magic box.
Let's get him before he discovers his mistake.
All right, hand over that box.
I said, give me that box! Just a moment, Joker.
You needn't be so vociferous.
My hearing is unimpaired.
Vociferous? Unimpaired? Ha! Now I know you're no security guard.
Jumping to another conclusion, Joker? Get the box from the old geezer.
It's my last chance.
You said you wanted me on the kill, I didn't know you were this serious.
Your little game is over, Joker.
Robin, take him to the Batmobile while I clean up the rest of this debris.
Right.
If you wanna pollute any more water you'll find plenty where you're going, up the river.
I hate to bother you, young man but I was returning home from town and I ran out of gas a little way down the road.
Uh-- Alfred.
- What are you doing here in that getup? -Huh? I'm Mrs.
Harriet Cooper of stately Wayne Manor and you're our butler, Alfred.
Sorry, baby.
My name's Eggie.
I'm the night security man.
Well, the resemblance is absolutely uncanny.
Anyway, may I use your phone to call a cab? Phone? Oh, yes, yes.
Here, here.
- Come in, sugar.
On the wall there.
-Thank you.
If I can just find a dime now.
- We brought you a midnight snack-- -Shh.
Batman and Robin.
Good evening, Mrs.
Cooper.
What a strange place to find you.
Well, I was just telling this gentleman who looks exactly like the Wayne butler that I ran out of gas about a block down the road and-- We always carry an extra supply in the Batmobile.
Robin? - This way, Mrs.
Cooper.
-Oh, thank you, Batman.
The spitting image.
Phew.
That was a close shave, sir.
But you handled it with your usual finesse, Alfred.
At least that mischief maker and his mangy militia won't be bothering us for some time.
-Excellent, sir.
But one thing concerns me.
He still has some of those gargoyle keys in his possession.
No, no, he was relieved of them.
And we received the lab report.
Somehow he'd concocted a drug which produced a mass hallucinatory effect when dissolved in water and activated by some key force.
- The key to the magic box? But how? -Ah.
How could it have turned time backwards, forwards faster and slower? How little do we know of time, Alfred.
A one-syllable word, a noun yesterday's laughter, tomorrow's tears