Gilligan's Island (1964) s02e22 Episode Script
Forward March
1
Just sit right back,
and you'll hear a tale ♪
a tale of a fateful trip ♪
that started from this tropic port ♪
aboard this tiny ship ♪
the mate was a mighty sailin' man ♪
the skipper brave and sure ♪
five passengers set sail that
day for a three hour tour ♪
a three hour tour ♪
[thunder]
The weather started getting rough ♪
the tiny ship was tossed ♪
if not for the courage
of the fearless crew ♪
the minnow would be lost,
the minnow would be lost ♪
the ship set ground
on the shore of this ♪
uncharted desert isle ♪
with gilligan ♪
the skipper, too ♪
the millionaire and his wife ♪
the movie star ♪
the professor and Mary Ann ♪
here on gilligan's isle ♪
How do you like your steak done?
Rare, with onions and fried potatoes.
Uh, hello, gilligan.
I'm just sitting here daydreaming.
Don't you like bananas
and coconuts anymore?
Gilligan, I'm sick of
bananas and coconuts.
It's all we ever eat.
I like bananas. You want one?
Gilligan, I told you I
wanted something different.
Like a steak or lamb chops or
Oh, fresh celery and carrots and
do you like avocados?
Avocados? You've got an avocado?
One just flew over me,
landed in the bushes.
One just flew one just flew
over and landed in the bushes?
Let's get it!
Oop! Let's get out of here!
[Explosion]
That's a grenade, alright.
World war ii hand grenade.
And they almost got me
and gilligan with it.
The question is who were they,
and why did they throw the grenade?
Maybe they're trying
to attract our attention.
Gilligan, you don't throw
grenades to attract attention.
Unfortunately, gilligan,
people throw grenades
in order to kill other people.
Exactly. I mean, if you want
to attract somebody's attention,
you tap them on the shoulder and say hi.
Hi.
You're right. It's a good
way to attract attention.
Gilligan, would you be quiet?
We're trying to think this thing out.
Skipper, could it have
been lodged in a tree
and accidentally fallen out?
No, professor. It came
flying through the air.
With the greatest of ease ♪
the hand grenade knocked
us down to our knees ♪
gilligan, that is enough of that.
I promise I'll be quiet.
You be quiet right here.
We're trying to figure out
a plan of action.
The important thing is motive.
Why did they throw the grenade?
I say the important thing is
how many have they got?
Shh! They're trying to
figure out a plan of action.
Precisely why I'm here.
Sorry I'm late, gentlemen.
Please, Mr. Howell, we're
trying to think this thing out.
Well, I know exactly what to do.
Demand immediate and
unconditional surrender.
Oh, but we don't know
who or how many.
How can we ask them to surrender?
I don't mean them, I mean us.
Have either one of us go to the lagoon
carrying a white flag.
Professor: That may not be a bad idea.
What, give up without
defending ourselves?
Immediately, before one precious drop
of ho well blood is spilled.
Well, nobody is pushing me around.
It's a fight they want, I'll give it to them.
Well, whoever they are, skipper,
they've got hand grenades.
And discretion is sometimes
the better part of valor.
Discretion is always
the better part of valor.
I'm still for fighting to the last man.
What about the women?
Oh, I forgot all about them.
They're always on my mind,
bless their little hearts.
Oh, I just hate to give up without a fight,
but if it means that maybe
the women will get hurt,
I guess your white flag is the answer.
Now, wait a minute, gentlemen.
I've been having second thoughts.
Now we've already been subjected
to one unprovoked attack.
What happens if they
don't honor the white flag?
Exactly.
They'd kill the man
who's carrying the flag,
and that is the reason
that your idea is no good.
My idea? It wasn't my idea.
You were the one who was talking about
unconditional surrender
and the white flag and
gentlemen, gentlemen, please.
We've got to concentrate
on another scheme.
Gilligan, this ought to
do nicely for a white flag.
One of Mr. Howell's good shirts?
Yes, with the family crest
crossed dollar bills on
a field of Swiss banks.
You ought to take these cuff links.
They must cost a fortune.
Oh, gilligan, one mustn't talk of money
at a time like this. One mustn't?
No, it's neatness that counts.
Now, French cuffs flapping in the breeze
would be terribly sloppy.
Mata hari reporting for duty.
Ginger, this is neither the
time nor the place for a woman.
Oh, forget that I'm a woman.
I'm a secret agent trying
to capture the enemy.
Well, but we appreciate
the fact, ginger,
you are a very brave girl,
but this situation is just too dangerous.
Wait a minute, skipper.
Uh, suppose that I, um,
I walk up to the enemy like this.
And I put my arms around them like this.
[Softly] And I whisper
into his ear like this.
Come on, baby, surrender to ginger.
I give up.
Unfortunately, you're
not one of the enemy.
Ginger, if you got yourself captured,
we'd have more problems
than we have right now.
Well, at least can I
carry the surrender flag?
I'm very good at that. Watch.
Nothing doing.
No one will pay any attention to the flag.
Don't dawdle, gilligan.
Surrender and be back on time for lunch.
Yes, ma'am.
Hey, gilligan, come over here.
Where do you think you're going?
Down to the lagoon to surrender.
Well, whoever gave you that crazy idea?
From you guys. You
said that was the plan.
Well, gilligan, we've
changed our minds now.
One of those grenades
would tear you to ribbons
and absolutely ruin my shirt.
Yes, we decided not to risk it.
Well, don't worry about his shirt.
He's got plenty of those, and
plenty of those diamond cuff links, too.
I know, but we only have one little buddy.
And since we don't know
the nature of the enemy,
we can't be sure he'll respect
the meaning of the white flag.
You mean he might think
I'm drying my laundry
and start tossing grenades
at me, like that one?
Oop! Dive! Di-dive!
[Explosion]
Say, that was a narrow escape. Yes.
Don't fret, Mr. Howell.
Your cuff links are still alive.
Now, gentlemen, we must find some way
to defend ourselves
against our unknown enemy.
The key word is organization.
Therefore, I shall take over
as commanding general
of our armed forces.
Well, now, just a minute, ho well.
I'm skipper around here,
and I'll give the orders.
He's right, Mr. Howell.
The skipper gives orders at sea.
Right now we are on dry land.
Dry land or wet land,
I'm in charge around here.
I'm in charge! Says who?
Says me. Yeah?
Yes. Oh, yeah?
Gentlemen, gentlemen.
Professor, you're
breaking up at the best part.
Skipper, let Mr. Howell
play his war games.
We've got more important things to do.
Now, we've got to get out
and scout the island.
Exactly. You're right, professor.
Find out our enemy's
strength, where he's dug in.
How many and exactly where they are.
I'll take this half.
Alright, I'll start at this end.
And we'll meet back here.
Right.
Professor, as commanding general,
I appoint you chief of intelligence.
Well, thank you very much, general.
And, skipper, in spite
of your insurgent attitude,
I'm gonna make you
secretary of the Navy.
On your shoulders will
rest all our naval problems.
Yeah, well, thanks a lot, Mr. Howell.
We haven't even got a boat.
That's your problem.
When you get one, I'll enlist.
Okay, you, too, gilligan.
Let's get out of here, professor.
Gilligan! Attention!
Aye aye, sir.
General. Sir general?
No, a simple general ho well will do.
Simple general ho well,
can I be chief of the air force?
No, no, no, no, I have big plans for you.
You are going to be the man
without whom no army can function.
A visiting senator?
Of course not. Private gilligan,
hut, 2, 3, 4!
Hut, 2, 3, 4!
Hut! 2, 3, 4!
I do hope thurston approves.
I've never been in nurses
corps before, you know.
Well, I don't know anything
about it either, Mrs. Howell,
but your hospital looks very good to me.
Hello, dear.
Ooh, hi, Mr. Howell.
"Hello, dear"? "Hi, Mr. Howell"?
Didn't we say that, Mary Ann?
Why, I suppose it's
very military to repeat.
The military thing is to come to attention
when your superior
officer enters the room.
Supe you mean you're superior to me?
I don't think I like that, thurston.
Lovey, let's just say that I outrank you.
I'm not certain I like that, either.
Good for you, Mrs. Howell.
Captain, don't you understand
the functions of a wac officer?
A wac's purpose is to
relieve a man of their duty
so they may be free to fight.
Excellent, excellent.
Also kp, laundry detail,
and sweeping up the barracks floor.
But I did that when I was a civilian.
If you have any complaints,
put them in writing.
Have the head of the uso
report to me immediately.
Alright.
Captain! Aren't you
forgetting something?
Oh. Good-bye.
Lovey, she was supposed to salute me.
Oh, thurston, don't carry on so.
After all, we're rather
new at this war thing.
Don't say this is a war thing.
This is not a game. I'm
inspecting a base hospital.
Oh, poof. Oh, poof!
Very taut, very military.
Ooh! Very, very hot.
Bottle of iodine, bottle of aspirin,
bot bottle of scotch?
It's for the alcohol.
To sterilize wounds and things.
Well, unless the wound is internal,
use a cheaper brand with soda.
Ah.
Uso reporting for duty, sir.
You are the only one
aware of military protocol.
Lieutenant, as head of the uso,
you are to entertain the troops
and keep the enlisted men happy.
I shall not fail in my duty, sir.
Very well. Tonight, treat them to a show.
I'm already in rehearsal, sir.
Good heavens, nurse,
put a bandage on that girl
before she freezes to death.
To fire, ready? Fire.
Oop!
You
did you men locate the enemy?
We couldn't find hide nor hair of anyone.
You shouldn't be looking
for hides or hairs.
You should be looking for people.
Didn't you see anyone either?
Not a sign.
You shouldn't be looking for signs.
You should be looking for
that's enough, gilligan.
You see anyone lurking around here?
Nope. Not a hide nor hair,
nor sign nor lurk nor nothing.
Well, it's obvious as
commanding general,
and anything I say is
oh, never mind a speech.
Well, it's very plain
the enemy's found out
that I'm the commanding general
and they have retreated.
Well, of all the
personally, I don't care why,
just as long as they're gone.
Well, when general ho well speaks,
men listen.
[Machine gun fire]
Well, that's just dandy.
Whoever has those grenades
has a machine gun, too.
I wonder why they stopped firing.
I don't know, but they
could have picked us off
like sitting ducks.
I can't see anything.
You can come up now, Mr. Howell.
Yes, that is unless
you're frozen down there.
No, I'm listening for the
sound of approaching horses,
a trick I learned from general custer.
Come on, skipper.
Let's take a look around.
Yes. We've got to locate that enemy.
One moment, private. Huh?
You're wounded.
Huh? Oh, it's nothing.
Nothing? Was it the machine gun bullets
or a hand grenade?
Neither one. When we
ducked under the table,
you stuck me with your tie pin.
Nevertheless, you're wounded.
I want you to report to sick bay.
It's just a scratch.
That's the worst kind!
But, Mr. Howell no buts!
Now you run along.
I'll stay here and dig a slip trench.
Oh, Mary Ann, look. Our first patient.
Oh, he seems to have
difficulty in breathing.
That's 'cause I was running.
He sounds delirious to me.
I always sound this way.
Where's the wound?
Oh, here. Just a little scratch.
Oh, it looks serious, very serious.
When we ducked under the table,
general ho well stuck me with his tie pin.
He made me come over here.
Oh, how thoughtful of him.
Now we can give you
a thorough examination.
Huh? What?
Up you go. Go on.
Oh, dear. Now,
this won't hurt a bit.
Oh, no, you don't.
Now, you be a good little soldier boy
and do as you're told.
Stick out your tongue.
Say "aah." Aah.
Oh, major, what do you think?
I think he should put it
back where it belongs.
It looks awful.
I just need a bandage. A teeny
weeny bandage, right here.
We'll tell you what you
need, soldier. Lie down.
But I'm not tired.
Oh, you're not nervous, are you?
I wasn't before, but I am now.
Well, I'll get you something to relax you.
Did anyone call for the uso?
Oh oh.
Well, I'll tell you, my dear.
You just entertain this
poor little soldier boy
while we go get the bandages ready.
Okay, Mrs. Howell.
[Jazz music plays]
It had to be you ♪
it had to be you ♪
I wandered around and finally found ♪
somebody who ♪
could make me be true ♪
could make me be blue ♪
and even be glad, just to be sad ♪
thinking of you ♪
some others I've seen ♪
might never be mean ♪
might never be cross or try to be boss ♪
but they wouldn't do ♪
for nobody else ♪
gave me this thrill ♪
with all my heart I love you still ♪
it had to be you ♪
wonderful you ♪
it had to be you ♪
that's great, ginger.
Hey, wait! There's another chorus.
Alright, Mr. Howell, you can
come out wherever you are.
Oh, yes.
Oh, I see you've disarmed the devils.
Well, we found this lying
over there in the brush.
Yes. Evidently, they
just dropped it and ran.
Well, I'll see that you both get medals.
Oak leaf cluster with
palm leaves, of course.
Hee hee hee.
Gilligan, little buddy, what happened?
Oh, I had a little scratch,
and the girls tried to cure me.
It's lucky I got out of there alive.
Take that stuff off.
We've got a lot of work to do.
You know, this has almost
a full load of ammunition.
I wonder why they left it.
Professor, please, don't question.
Just be glad that we've
got a weapon to use.
Well, I'd still like to know why.
Then I'll tell you. It's a trick.
We're dealing with a super mentality,
an enemy with an intelligence
far superior to ours.
Professor: Mr. Howell, I shall
have to contest your theory.
You contest your commanding general?
A man who studied under
Robert e. Lee and George custer?
You would pick two losers.
But I be but but bu
skipper: Gilligan, will
you stop interrupting?
Whoever they are, they are violating
every precept of guerrilla warfare.
Don't tell me about guerrilla warfare.
No one knows more about guerrilla
warfare than thurston ho well.
With the exception of
a guerrilla, of course.
That's it, Mr. Howell. Look!
We may frighten him
into doing something.
If he moves, it'll frighten
me into doing something.
I'd run. Hold still.
[Explosion]
[Hooting]
The machine gun. I'll scare him off.
Stop! You might hit him.
[Gunfire]
You shouldn't have done
that. You might have hurt him.
And killed us!
I'll go see if he's alright.
Gilligan, come back here!
Well, I only meant to scare him off.
Gilligan: You know what happened?
I hope I didn't kill the ape.
No, but you killed a couple of coconuts.
Broken branches.
We're on the right track.
Broken branches.
We're on the right track.
Broken branches.
We're on the right track.
Aaaaaaah!
Aaaaaaah!
[Gorilla hooting]
Maybe we better come back tomorrow.
Gilligan, wait a minute now.
We've got to get that
ammunition away from him.
The ape was obviously
on the island during the war.
He saw the soldiers using the weapons
and decided that's the
way men play together.
Well, he's liable to start playing again
while we're sitting down to dinner
or swimming in the lagoon.
Well, we've got to get into that cave.
Maybe there's a back door.
Oh, certainly, and a basement
and three bedrooms and two baths.
I don't think it's that big.
[Whispering] Shut up, gilligan.
Let's see if we can dig around the back.
[Gorilla hooting]
This looks like a natural opening.
We'll have to dig it out
to try and move the rock.
Wish I hadn't left my shovel.
You had a shovel?
Yeah, and a pail, too. At the beach.
I left it there when I was four years old.
Did I cry, just like a 4-year-old.
Start digging.
Hmmph.
Digging.
Gilligan.
Gilligan.
Can you see him?
No, it's too dark.
Gilligan.
[Hooting]
[Hooting]
[Hooting]
[Hooting]
He saw me. Let's get out of here.
Wait a minute, wait a minute.
[Hooting]
He didn't see you, gilligan.
He didn't see him? Oh, good.
Now, are the hand
grenades still in there?
Two big boxes.
Well, we'll get a vine
we'll have you tie around the boxes
and then we'll pull them out.
Right. You yank on the vine.
That'll be your signal
for us to pull them out.
You understand?
What do I do if I get captured?
You just give your name,
rank, and serial number.
Name, rank, and serial number.
That's right. Destroy all maps,
any information, and any new plans
oh, gilligan, why do I listen to him?
Come on, let's get that vine.
Come on.
Both: Aaaaaah!
[Gorilla hooting]
You know, I had a good look at that ape.
Yeah. He was looking
at me real good, too.
Real hungry-like.
It's one of that rare breed,
who like the rattlesnake
of the genera crotalis, can
actually be stared into immobility.
You mean
oh, you mean if you keep looking at him,
he'll keep looking back.
That's right. If you don't
move, he won't move.
It's kind of like hypnosis.
W-W-Wish me luck, boys.
No, wait a minute, skipper.
I'll do the staring.
We need your strength to
carry one of those boxes.
Well, professor, you better
pick up the other box, too.
I can't budge either one of them,
and besides, I'm a good starer.
I really wish there were another way.
Honest, I really am a good starer.
I once stared at a man-eating tiger
for two hours and 20
minutes. It didn't bite me.
But, gilligan, that tiger was behind bars.
That ape isn't behind any bars.
However, if you remain
frozen, he'll remain frozen.
Well, I got a good start.
I got cold feet already.
[Hoo haa]
[Growls]
[Fly buzzing]
[Fly buzzing]
[Puffing]
[Growls]
[Hooting]
[Hooting]
The maps are in my pocket,
the plans are under my hat.
There's a machine gun nest on the hill.
My general's name is ho well,
and my name is mud.
It wasn't your fault, skipper.
Oh, of course it was.
Come on, skipper, we've got to try again.
We've got to track down
gilligan and that ape.
And bring him back alive.
Not the ape, gilligan.
Well, okay, girls.
[Explosion]
This this way.
[Explosion]
[Explosion]
[Splash]
[Explosion]
[Hooting]
Now get it over the
plate and keep it down.
Throw it, throw it!
Throw it, throw it!
[Explosion]
[Howling]
Oh, there's no more.
[Hooting]
That's not a grenade.
[Growling]
Alright, but don't blame
me if it doesn't explode.
Here, here.
What's that thing he's giving the ape?
Who cares, professor,
just as long as all the grenades are gone.
[Hoots]
Look out!
Not this way!
[Powerful explosion]
Say, it wasn't a grenade after all.
For extraordinary
valor in facing an enemy
that outweighed you at least 600 pounds,
I proudly present you
with the order of the diamond cuff link.
[Hooting]
Who invited you to the ceremony?
Look, he's reaching for something.
It could be another grenade.
Aaaaaah! Aaaaaah!
My coconut cream pie!
Oh, and I hid it for a surprise.
Well, he finally got it over home plate.
They're here for a long, long time ♪
they'll have to make the best of things ♪
it's an uphill climb ♪
the first mate and his skipper, too ♪
will do their very best ♪
to make the others comfortable ♪
in the tropic island nest ♪
no phone No lights
no motorcars, not a single luxury ♪
like Robinson crusoe ♪
it's primitive as can be ♪
so join us here each week, my friends ♪
you're sure to get a smile ♪
from seven stranded castaways ♪
here on gilligan's isle ♪
Just sit right back,
and you'll hear a tale ♪
a tale of a fateful trip ♪
that started from this tropic port ♪
aboard this tiny ship ♪
the mate was a mighty sailin' man ♪
the skipper brave and sure ♪
five passengers set sail that
day for a three hour tour ♪
a three hour tour ♪
[thunder]
The weather started getting rough ♪
the tiny ship was tossed ♪
if not for the courage
of the fearless crew ♪
the minnow would be lost,
the minnow would be lost ♪
the ship set ground
on the shore of this ♪
uncharted desert isle ♪
with gilligan ♪
the skipper, too ♪
the millionaire and his wife ♪
the movie star ♪
the professor and Mary Ann ♪
here on gilligan's isle ♪
How do you like your steak done?
Rare, with onions and fried potatoes.
Uh, hello, gilligan.
I'm just sitting here daydreaming.
Don't you like bananas
and coconuts anymore?
Gilligan, I'm sick of
bananas and coconuts.
It's all we ever eat.
I like bananas. You want one?
Gilligan, I told you I
wanted something different.
Like a steak or lamb chops or
Oh, fresh celery and carrots and
do you like avocados?
Avocados? You've got an avocado?
One just flew over me,
landed in the bushes.
One just flew one just flew
over and landed in the bushes?
Let's get it!
Oop! Let's get out of here!
[Explosion]
That's a grenade, alright.
World war ii hand grenade.
And they almost got me
and gilligan with it.
The question is who were they,
and why did they throw the grenade?
Maybe they're trying
to attract our attention.
Gilligan, you don't throw
grenades to attract attention.
Unfortunately, gilligan,
people throw grenades
in order to kill other people.
Exactly. I mean, if you want
to attract somebody's attention,
you tap them on the shoulder and say hi.
Hi.
You're right. It's a good
way to attract attention.
Gilligan, would you be quiet?
We're trying to think this thing out.
Skipper, could it have
been lodged in a tree
and accidentally fallen out?
No, professor. It came
flying through the air.
With the greatest of ease ♪
the hand grenade knocked
us down to our knees ♪
gilligan, that is enough of that.
I promise I'll be quiet.
You be quiet right here.
We're trying to figure out
a plan of action.
The important thing is motive.
Why did they throw the grenade?
I say the important thing is
how many have they got?
Shh! They're trying to
figure out a plan of action.
Precisely why I'm here.
Sorry I'm late, gentlemen.
Please, Mr. Howell, we're
trying to think this thing out.
Well, I know exactly what to do.
Demand immediate and
unconditional surrender.
Oh, but we don't know
who or how many.
How can we ask them to surrender?
I don't mean them, I mean us.
Have either one of us go to the lagoon
carrying a white flag.
Professor: That may not be a bad idea.
What, give up without
defending ourselves?
Immediately, before one precious drop
of ho well blood is spilled.
Well, nobody is pushing me around.
It's a fight they want, I'll give it to them.
Well, whoever they are, skipper,
they've got hand grenades.
And discretion is sometimes
the better part of valor.
Discretion is always
the better part of valor.
I'm still for fighting to the last man.
What about the women?
Oh, I forgot all about them.
They're always on my mind,
bless their little hearts.
Oh, I just hate to give up without a fight,
but if it means that maybe
the women will get hurt,
I guess your white flag is the answer.
Now, wait a minute, gentlemen.
I've been having second thoughts.
Now we've already been subjected
to one unprovoked attack.
What happens if they
don't honor the white flag?
Exactly.
They'd kill the man
who's carrying the flag,
and that is the reason
that your idea is no good.
My idea? It wasn't my idea.
You were the one who was talking about
unconditional surrender
and the white flag and
gentlemen, gentlemen, please.
We've got to concentrate
on another scheme.
Gilligan, this ought to
do nicely for a white flag.
One of Mr. Howell's good shirts?
Yes, with the family crest
crossed dollar bills on
a field of Swiss banks.
You ought to take these cuff links.
They must cost a fortune.
Oh, gilligan, one mustn't talk of money
at a time like this. One mustn't?
No, it's neatness that counts.
Now, French cuffs flapping in the breeze
would be terribly sloppy.
Mata hari reporting for duty.
Ginger, this is neither the
time nor the place for a woman.
Oh, forget that I'm a woman.
I'm a secret agent trying
to capture the enemy.
Well, but we appreciate
the fact, ginger,
you are a very brave girl,
but this situation is just too dangerous.
Wait a minute, skipper.
Uh, suppose that I, um,
I walk up to the enemy like this.
And I put my arms around them like this.
[Softly] And I whisper
into his ear like this.
Come on, baby, surrender to ginger.
I give up.
Unfortunately, you're
not one of the enemy.
Ginger, if you got yourself captured,
we'd have more problems
than we have right now.
Well, at least can I
carry the surrender flag?
I'm very good at that. Watch.
Nothing doing.
No one will pay any attention to the flag.
Don't dawdle, gilligan.
Surrender and be back on time for lunch.
Yes, ma'am.
Hey, gilligan, come over here.
Where do you think you're going?
Down to the lagoon to surrender.
Well, whoever gave you that crazy idea?
From you guys. You
said that was the plan.
Well, gilligan, we've
changed our minds now.
One of those grenades
would tear you to ribbons
and absolutely ruin my shirt.
Yes, we decided not to risk it.
Well, don't worry about his shirt.
He's got plenty of those, and
plenty of those diamond cuff links, too.
I know, but we only have one little buddy.
And since we don't know
the nature of the enemy,
we can't be sure he'll respect
the meaning of the white flag.
You mean he might think
I'm drying my laundry
and start tossing grenades
at me, like that one?
Oop! Dive! Di-dive!
[Explosion]
Say, that was a narrow escape. Yes.
Don't fret, Mr. Howell.
Your cuff links are still alive.
Now, gentlemen, we must find some way
to defend ourselves
against our unknown enemy.
The key word is organization.
Therefore, I shall take over
as commanding general
of our armed forces.
Well, now, just a minute, ho well.
I'm skipper around here,
and I'll give the orders.
He's right, Mr. Howell.
The skipper gives orders at sea.
Right now we are on dry land.
Dry land or wet land,
I'm in charge around here.
I'm in charge! Says who?
Says me. Yeah?
Yes. Oh, yeah?
Gentlemen, gentlemen.
Professor, you're
breaking up at the best part.
Skipper, let Mr. Howell
play his war games.
We've got more important things to do.
Now, we've got to get out
and scout the island.
Exactly. You're right, professor.
Find out our enemy's
strength, where he's dug in.
How many and exactly where they are.
I'll take this half.
Alright, I'll start at this end.
And we'll meet back here.
Right.
Professor, as commanding general,
I appoint you chief of intelligence.
Well, thank you very much, general.
And, skipper, in spite
of your insurgent attitude,
I'm gonna make you
secretary of the Navy.
On your shoulders will
rest all our naval problems.
Yeah, well, thanks a lot, Mr. Howell.
We haven't even got a boat.
That's your problem.
When you get one, I'll enlist.
Okay, you, too, gilligan.
Let's get out of here, professor.
Gilligan! Attention!
Aye aye, sir.
General. Sir general?
No, a simple general ho well will do.
Simple general ho well,
can I be chief of the air force?
No, no, no, no, I have big plans for you.
You are going to be the man
without whom no army can function.
A visiting senator?
Of course not. Private gilligan,
hut, 2, 3, 4!
Hut, 2, 3, 4!
Hut! 2, 3, 4!
I do hope thurston approves.
I've never been in nurses
corps before, you know.
Well, I don't know anything
about it either, Mrs. Howell,
but your hospital looks very good to me.
Hello, dear.
Ooh, hi, Mr. Howell.
"Hello, dear"? "Hi, Mr. Howell"?
Didn't we say that, Mary Ann?
Why, I suppose it's
very military to repeat.
The military thing is to come to attention
when your superior
officer enters the room.
Supe you mean you're superior to me?
I don't think I like that, thurston.
Lovey, let's just say that I outrank you.
I'm not certain I like that, either.
Good for you, Mrs. Howell.
Captain, don't you understand
the functions of a wac officer?
A wac's purpose is to
relieve a man of their duty
so they may be free to fight.
Excellent, excellent.
Also kp, laundry detail,
and sweeping up the barracks floor.
But I did that when I was a civilian.
If you have any complaints,
put them in writing.
Have the head of the uso
report to me immediately.
Alright.
Captain! Aren't you
forgetting something?
Oh. Good-bye.
Lovey, she was supposed to salute me.
Oh, thurston, don't carry on so.
After all, we're rather
new at this war thing.
Don't say this is a war thing.
This is not a game. I'm
inspecting a base hospital.
Oh, poof. Oh, poof!
Very taut, very military.
Ooh! Very, very hot.
Bottle of iodine, bottle of aspirin,
bot bottle of scotch?
It's for the alcohol.
To sterilize wounds and things.
Well, unless the wound is internal,
use a cheaper brand with soda.
Ah.
Uso reporting for duty, sir.
You are the only one
aware of military protocol.
Lieutenant, as head of the uso,
you are to entertain the troops
and keep the enlisted men happy.
I shall not fail in my duty, sir.
Very well. Tonight, treat them to a show.
I'm already in rehearsal, sir.
Good heavens, nurse,
put a bandage on that girl
before she freezes to death.
To fire, ready? Fire.
Oop!
You
did you men locate the enemy?
We couldn't find hide nor hair of anyone.
You shouldn't be looking
for hides or hairs.
You should be looking for people.
Didn't you see anyone either?
Not a sign.
You shouldn't be looking for signs.
You should be looking for
that's enough, gilligan.
You see anyone lurking around here?
Nope. Not a hide nor hair,
nor sign nor lurk nor nothing.
Well, it's obvious as
commanding general,
and anything I say is
oh, never mind a speech.
Well, it's very plain
the enemy's found out
that I'm the commanding general
and they have retreated.
Well, of all the
personally, I don't care why,
just as long as they're gone.
Well, when general ho well speaks,
men listen.
[Machine gun fire]
Well, that's just dandy.
Whoever has those grenades
has a machine gun, too.
I wonder why they stopped firing.
I don't know, but they
could have picked us off
like sitting ducks.
I can't see anything.
You can come up now, Mr. Howell.
Yes, that is unless
you're frozen down there.
No, I'm listening for the
sound of approaching horses,
a trick I learned from general custer.
Come on, skipper.
Let's take a look around.
Yes. We've got to locate that enemy.
One moment, private. Huh?
You're wounded.
Huh? Oh, it's nothing.
Nothing? Was it the machine gun bullets
or a hand grenade?
Neither one. When we
ducked under the table,
you stuck me with your tie pin.
Nevertheless, you're wounded.
I want you to report to sick bay.
It's just a scratch.
That's the worst kind!
But, Mr. Howell no buts!
Now you run along.
I'll stay here and dig a slip trench.
Oh, Mary Ann, look. Our first patient.
Oh, he seems to have
difficulty in breathing.
That's 'cause I was running.
He sounds delirious to me.
I always sound this way.
Where's the wound?
Oh, here. Just a little scratch.
Oh, it looks serious, very serious.
When we ducked under the table,
general ho well stuck me with his tie pin.
He made me come over here.
Oh, how thoughtful of him.
Now we can give you
a thorough examination.
Huh? What?
Up you go. Go on.
Oh, dear. Now,
this won't hurt a bit.
Oh, no, you don't.
Now, you be a good little soldier boy
and do as you're told.
Stick out your tongue.
Say "aah." Aah.
Oh, major, what do you think?
I think he should put it
back where it belongs.
It looks awful.
I just need a bandage. A teeny
weeny bandage, right here.
We'll tell you what you
need, soldier. Lie down.
But I'm not tired.
Oh, you're not nervous, are you?
I wasn't before, but I am now.
Well, I'll get you something to relax you.
Did anyone call for the uso?
Oh oh.
Well, I'll tell you, my dear.
You just entertain this
poor little soldier boy
while we go get the bandages ready.
Okay, Mrs. Howell.
[Jazz music plays]
It had to be you ♪
it had to be you ♪
I wandered around and finally found ♪
somebody who ♪
could make me be true ♪
could make me be blue ♪
and even be glad, just to be sad ♪
thinking of you ♪
some others I've seen ♪
might never be mean ♪
might never be cross or try to be boss ♪
but they wouldn't do ♪
for nobody else ♪
gave me this thrill ♪
with all my heart I love you still ♪
it had to be you ♪
wonderful you ♪
it had to be you ♪
that's great, ginger.
Hey, wait! There's another chorus.
Alright, Mr. Howell, you can
come out wherever you are.
Oh, yes.
Oh, I see you've disarmed the devils.
Well, we found this lying
over there in the brush.
Yes. Evidently, they
just dropped it and ran.
Well, I'll see that you both get medals.
Oak leaf cluster with
palm leaves, of course.
Hee hee hee.
Gilligan, little buddy, what happened?
Oh, I had a little scratch,
and the girls tried to cure me.
It's lucky I got out of there alive.
Take that stuff off.
We've got a lot of work to do.
You know, this has almost
a full load of ammunition.
I wonder why they left it.
Professor, please, don't question.
Just be glad that we've
got a weapon to use.
Well, I'd still like to know why.
Then I'll tell you. It's a trick.
We're dealing with a super mentality,
an enemy with an intelligence
far superior to ours.
Professor: Mr. Howell, I shall
have to contest your theory.
You contest your commanding general?
A man who studied under
Robert e. Lee and George custer?
You would pick two losers.
But I be but but bu
skipper: Gilligan, will
you stop interrupting?
Whoever they are, they are violating
every precept of guerrilla warfare.
Don't tell me about guerrilla warfare.
No one knows more about guerrilla
warfare than thurston ho well.
With the exception of
a guerrilla, of course.
That's it, Mr. Howell. Look!
We may frighten him
into doing something.
If he moves, it'll frighten
me into doing something.
I'd run. Hold still.
[Explosion]
[Hooting]
The machine gun. I'll scare him off.
Stop! You might hit him.
[Gunfire]
You shouldn't have done
that. You might have hurt him.
And killed us!
I'll go see if he's alright.
Gilligan, come back here!
Well, I only meant to scare him off.
Gilligan: You know what happened?
I hope I didn't kill the ape.
No, but you killed a couple of coconuts.
Broken branches.
We're on the right track.
Broken branches.
We're on the right track.
Broken branches.
We're on the right track.
Aaaaaaah!
Aaaaaaah!
[Gorilla hooting]
Maybe we better come back tomorrow.
Gilligan, wait a minute now.
We've got to get that
ammunition away from him.
The ape was obviously
on the island during the war.
He saw the soldiers using the weapons
and decided that's the
way men play together.
Well, he's liable to start playing again
while we're sitting down to dinner
or swimming in the lagoon.
Well, we've got to get into that cave.
Maybe there's a back door.
Oh, certainly, and a basement
and three bedrooms and two baths.
I don't think it's that big.
[Whispering] Shut up, gilligan.
Let's see if we can dig around the back.
[Gorilla hooting]
This looks like a natural opening.
We'll have to dig it out
to try and move the rock.
Wish I hadn't left my shovel.
You had a shovel?
Yeah, and a pail, too. At the beach.
I left it there when I was four years old.
Did I cry, just like a 4-year-old.
Start digging.
Hmmph.
Digging.
Gilligan.
Gilligan.
Can you see him?
No, it's too dark.
Gilligan.
[Hooting]
[Hooting]
[Hooting]
[Hooting]
He saw me. Let's get out of here.
Wait a minute, wait a minute.
[Hooting]
He didn't see you, gilligan.
He didn't see him? Oh, good.
Now, are the hand
grenades still in there?
Two big boxes.
Well, we'll get a vine
we'll have you tie around the boxes
and then we'll pull them out.
Right. You yank on the vine.
That'll be your signal
for us to pull them out.
You understand?
What do I do if I get captured?
You just give your name,
rank, and serial number.
Name, rank, and serial number.
That's right. Destroy all maps,
any information, and any new plans
oh, gilligan, why do I listen to him?
Come on, let's get that vine.
Come on.
Both: Aaaaaah!
[Gorilla hooting]
You know, I had a good look at that ape.
Yeah. He was looking
at me real good, too.
Real hungry-like.
It's one of that rare breed,
who like the rattlesnake
of the genera crotalis, can
actually be stared into immobility.
You mean
oh, you mean if you keep looking at him,
he'll keep looking back.
That's right. If you don't
move, he won't move.
It's kind of like hypnosis.
W-W-Wish me luck, boys.
No, wait a minute, skipper.
I'll do the staring.
We need your strength to
carry one of those boxes.
Well, professor, you better
pick up the other box, too.
I can't budge either one of them,
and besides, I'm a good starer.
I really wish there were another way.
Honest, I really am a good starer.
I once stared at a man-eating tiger
for two hours and 20
minutes. It didn't bite me.
But, gilligan, that tiger was behind bars.
That ape isn't behind any bars.
However, if you remain
frozen, he'll remain frozen.
Well, I got a good start.
I got cold feet already.
[Hoo haa]
[Growls]
[Fly buzzing]
[Fly buzzing]
[Puffing]
[Growls]
[Hooting]
[Hooting]
The maps are in my pocket,
the plans are under my hat.
There's a machine gun nest on the hill.
My general's name is ho well,
and my name is mud.
It wasn't your fault, skipper.
Oh, of course it was.
Come on, skipper, we've got to try again.
We've got to track down
gilligan and that ape.
And bring him back alive.
Not the ape, gilligan.
Well, okay, girls.
[Explosion]
This this way.
[Explosion]
[Explosion]
[Splash]
[Explosion]
[Hooting]
Now get it over the
plate and keep it down.
Throw it, throw it!
Throw it, throw it!
[Explosion]
[Howling]
Oh, there's no more.
[Hooting]
That's not a grenade.
[Growling]
Alright, but don't blame
me if it doesn't explode.
Here, here.
What's that thing he's giving the ape?
Who cares, professor,
just as long as all the grenades are gone.
[Hoots]
Look out!
Not this way!
[Powerful explosion]
Say, it wasn't a grenade after all.
For extraordinary
valor in facing an enemy
that outweighed you at least 600 pounds,
I proudly present you
with the order of the diamond cuff link.
[Hooting]
Who invited you to the ceremony?
Look, he's reaching for something.
It could be another grenade.
Aaaaaah! Aaaaaah!
My coconut cream pie!
Oh, and I hid it for a surprise.
Well, he finally got it over home plate.
They're here for a long, long time ♪
they'll have to make the best of things ♪
it's an uphill climb ♪
the first mate and his skipper, too ♪
will do their very best ♪
to make the others comfortable ♪
in the tropic island nest ♪
no phone No lights
no motorcars, not a single luxury ♪
like Robinson crusoe ♪
it's primitive as can be ♪
so join us here each week, my friends ♪
you're sure to get a smile ♪
from seven stranded castaways ♪
here on gilligan's isle ♪