The Brady Bunch (1969) s02e23 Episode Script

1
Here's the story
Of a lovely lady
Who was bringing up
Three very lovely girls
All of them had hair of gold ♪
Like their mother
The youngest one in curls ♪
It's the story of a man named Brady ♪
Who was busy with
three boys of his own ♪
They were four men living all together ♪
Yet they were all alone ♪
Till the one day when
The lady met this fellow
And they knew that it was
much more than a hunch ♪
That this group
Must somehow form a family
That's the way we all
became the Brady Bunch ♪
The Brady Bunch
The Brady Bunch
That's the way we became
the Brady Bunch. ♪
You okay? I'll get it.
Oh, Alice, there's a message for you.
Oh, from Sam?
He's still at the butcher shop.
I can call him right back.
No, I don't think it's from Sam.
I can't quite make out the name.
"Mackr Maldrill."
Hmm. I don't think I know anybody
named Mackr Maldrill.
Hmm. If I've told those kids once
I've told them a hundred times,
when someone calls, get the name right.
I tried.
You took the message, honey?
Uh-huh.
I wrote it just like the man told me.
I'm sure we can figure it out, sweetie,
but first, I want to help your mother
put away all this stuff.
Now, Alice, I'll do it.
You better work on that message
while it's fresh in Cindy's mind.
Okay.
That's your name Alice.
Yeah, I got that far.
I got stuck on who called.
His name is Mark.
"Mark"?
Uh-huh.
Maybe I don't spell very good,
but I can remember good.
His name is Mark Millard
and he said he'd call back.
Mark Millard called?
Oh, I never heard you mention
a Mark Millard before, Alice.
A new boyfriend?
No, Mrs. Brady, an old one.
Somebody special?
Hmm, we were in school together.
To me, he was very special.
He was the handsomest, most
charming boy in the class.
I still remember
how my knees used to melt
whenever he looked at me.
And to think he's called you
after all these years.
Oh, Alice, I think that's very exciting.
It is exciting, Mrs. Brady.
I wonder
You wonder what?
If there's enough heat in an old flame
to melt these knees again.
Boy, this is going to
be the best plane ever.
I can see it now, taking off,
maybe flying all the way to Africa.
What do you think, Greg?
I think if you don't keep quiet,
I'm gonna bop you one.
Hiya, fellas.
Hi, Sam.
Hey, that's some plane you got there.
Yeah, we're gluing in the ribs for a wing.
Uh-huh. You know, Bobby,
this sure brings back memories.
Boy, when I was your age,
I built one that stayed up for a year.
A year?!
Yep. It was a whole year
before I was old enough
to climb the tree and get it down.
( laughing )
Hey, is Alice inside?
Yeah, she's getting ready to go out.
Wow, what is that, a boat or a plane?
A plane. We're putting it together in here
while Greg and Bobby put
the wings together outside.
Whoo! I'd say that's a
very efficient production line.
You betcha.
Orville and Wilbur couldn't have
done it any better.
I want to go outside
and see how the wings
are coming along.
Okay.
Oh, no!
Look who's out there talking to Peter!
Sam. Oh!
He's just come by to see Alice.
Well, he's done it before, honey.
Oh, but, honey, you don't understand.
Alice has a date with Mr. Millard.
This will be very awkward for her.
Well, honey, I think she's equipped
to tell Sam she's got
a date with another guy.
Oh, honey, you don't
understand women at all.
Yeah, well, that makes me
a charter member
of a very large fraternity.
Well, look, I'll get Alice to
stay in her room until he leaves.
Yeah, well, Sam has remarkable
staying power, you know.
Well, think of something, honey.
You-you're very good at things like that.
Please? Yeah, but
Just get rid of him.
Hi, Mr. Brady.
Hi, Sam.
Well, tonight's the semifinals
of the supermarket
bowling league. Yeah?
Us meat cutters against
the bread and pastry boys.
Sounds like pretty "crumby" competition.
( laughing )
"Crumby" competition
bread and pastry
I like that, Mr. Brady.
Hey, can I use that?
Yeah, just don't tell anybody
where you got it.
I thought I'd take Alice along to watch.
You know, she's a great little
rooter for us meat cutters;
a great little rooter.
Uh, Sam
I'd like to have a little talk with you
about women.
Women?!
Yeah.
Oh, you can count on me, Mr. Brady.
If you and the missus
are having a little problem,
I'll do anything I can to help.
No, no, no, Sam.
It's not me.
It's, uh, uh it's you.
Me?!
Yeah.
I got no problem with Mrs. Brady.
No, no, it's not Mrs. Brady, Sam.
It's, uh, Alice.
Oh, I didn't know I was having
a problem with Alice.
Oh, you're not, you're not, you're not.
But you might.
What kind?
Well, look, uh
you're kind of catching Alice off guard,
arriving here unexpectedly.
Women like to be prepared, you know,
with their dress just so
and their face just so.
Oh, Mr. Brady,
Alice's face is my inspiration.
I see her face in every bowling ball,
her figure in every bowling pin.
It sure is a pretty pin, Alice.
It's a cameo.
Been in my family for generations.
It's fantabulous.
Yeah. As each woman gets married,
she passes it along to the next one.
So far, I hold the record
for holding onto it the longest.
Excuse me, Alice.
Alice, did you forget
that you have a date with Sam tonight?
I never forget my dates
with Sam, Mrs. Brady.
Or any other male of the species. Why?
He's here.
Oh, no!
Wow! Two guys showing up
on the very same night.
Maybe they'll fight over you, Alice.
That'd be out of sight.
Don't you girls have
some homework to do?
No. No.
Come on, run along.
Just a few more minutes?
Two guys fighting over her wow.
I wish I had two guys fighting over me!
Alice, I took the liberty
of asking Mr. Brady
to make some excuse to Sam.
Yeah, that could be embarrassing.
Thank you, Mrs. Brady.
Well, he should be gone by now.
Imagine, two men fighting over me.
Aw, two men will never fight over me.
Why wouldn't they?
Yeah, Alice, why wouldn't they?
I get the picture, Mr. Brady.
So I'll just trot down to a pay phone,
call back, and see if Alice is
Mr. Brady, by any chance,
did you happen to see
S-Sam.
Evening, Alice.
Boy, you look real spiffy tonight.
Well, th-thank you, Sam.
Of course, you didn't have
to get so dressed up.
I mean, it's only the semifinals.
Uh, "semifinals"?
You know bowling.
Us meat cutters versus bread and pastry.
Oh, yeah. Well, that, uh
sounds like quite a match.
But, uh, Sam
we didn't have a date tonight.
I know, Alice.
I didn't mean to catch you off guard
but, well, since you're
all gussied up, let's go.
Sam!
Uh I can't go out with you tonight.
Aw, come on, Alice!
Just because I didn't call
and ask you for a date.
Look, I meant to,
but then Mrs. Larson came in
and wanted a round steak
ground six times
Sam, that isn't it.
I have another date tonight.
Another date?! With who?
Well
I know!
You're going out with the milkman.
Jerry?!
I should have known.
When I stopped by last Tuesday morning
I heard the way he rattled your bottles!
Sam, it is not Jerry.
Ah, then it's Gus from fresh fruit
at the supermarket!
I see the way he looks at you
when you're squeezing the melons.
Sam, it isn't Gus and it isn't Jerry.
It's an old friend of mine
who's passing through town
and I'm having dinner with him.
Oh, well, if it's just an old friend,
that's something else again.
I tell you what, Alice.
If the meat cutters win tonight,
suppose I drop by about 6:30 tomorrow
and take you for the finals, okay?
Well, I'd like that, Sam,
except that I sort of half
promised Mark, my friend,
that I wouldn't make any other plans
while he was here.
Well, how long is that going to be?
Only a week.
Alice, listen,
a sip of this might
calm you down a little bit.
I think the coffee would just
make me nervouser, Mr. Brady.
( Doorbell rings )
It's him. It's him!
Where are you going?!
Aren't you going to stay?
Well, Alice, we wouldn't
want to be in the way.
Oh, believe me,
you'd be more in the way
if you were out of the way.
( Doorbell rings )
Okay, okay, but, now, listen,
try to be calm.
Oh, I'm fine. Really, I am.
My handkerchief isn't, but I am.
Listen, I'm going to get the door, okay?
Would you please?
I really don't think I could turn the knob.
Good evening.
Mr. Millard? Yes.
I'm Mike Brady. Come on in.
Alice is waiting for you.
Oh, thank you very much.
Alice.
Mark.
Mark.
Alice.
Uh oh!
Thank you.
Alice, you look absolutely wonderful.
I do?! Uh-huh.
Well, that's awfully sweet
of you to say, Mark.
You don't look so bad yourself.
How could all these years have gone by
and never touched you at all?
Oh, well, they touched me.
It's just the dents
don't show so much at night.
( Forced chuckle )
Oh! Uh, you met Mr. Brady,
and this is Mrs. Brady.
Oh, how do you do, Mrs.
Brady. Hello, Mr. Millard.
And their 12 eyes.
Hmm?
Do you know what time it is?
Mm
about ten minutes since the last time
you asked me what time it is oh!
It's almost 1:30 and Alice isn't home yet.
( Sighs )
Honey, Alice is not one of the kids.
Well, I know, but she's
well, she's out with a man
that's practically a stranger to her.
Well, I'm sure she can
take care of herself.
Mark looks okay.
Yes, but appearances
can be very deceiving.
Well, we don't even know
what he's really like.
Listen, what are you going to do
when Marcia starts to date?
Probably get no sleep, ever.
Well, how about you?
You're pretty wide awake.
Why aren't you asleep?
Because it's 1:30
and Alice isn't home yet.
Yeah.
( Car door closing in distance )
See? Now, there she is.
She's home and you
can go to sleep happy.
Good night. Don't be silly.
Now I got to see if she had a good time.
( Humming happily )
She had a good time.
And then, tonight,
he's taking me to the King's Lodge,
that big, new, fancy place.
Where, I'm sure
you wouldn't want this price tag to show.
Oh! Thank you.
I thought I'd give this new dress
a trial run this afternoon
before the Grand Prix tonight.
Boy, this Mr. Millard
sure is giving you the big rush.
A different restaurant every single night.
Dancing till all hours.
You know, a week of this will kill me.
What a way to go!
It wouldn't surprise me
if Mr. Millard wasn't
building up to something.
Like what?
Like rekindling that old flame.
Can you help me with this zipper?
Sure. You mean the
thought of marriage never
( inhales )
Crept in?
Well, if it did any creeping,
it was with me, not him.
Well, what if he brought
the subject up now, Alice?
What would you say?
I don't really know what I'd say.
I'd sure listen a lot.
Mr. Brady and I certainly hope
it works out the way you want it to, Alice.
There.
Oh, boy.
Now I know where those calories went.
I been sitting on them.
Well, I guess
we could let it out a little for tonight.
Or take me in a little today.
( Inhales )
Four
Five
( groaning )
Six
You're not supposed to move
your legs at all, Alice.
How could they move
with you hanging onto one and
Marcia holding onto the other?
Well, they wiggled a little.
And you won't lose weight
even wiggling a little.
Seven
( groaning )
Ugh!
You don't have to stop, Alice.
I can count higher.
What's all that goo
supposed to do for you, Alice?
Oh, tighten up my skin.
Who wants tight skin?
Well, not really tighten it.
It sort of tones up the facial muscles.
How long are you supposed
to leave that stuff on?
Oh, I'll take it off
about an hour before
Mr. Millard gets here.
On the other hand,
I might be better off leaving it on.
Well, men, how does
everything look from there?
Hey, look at Alice!
Boy, real neato.
PETER: Like, wow!
Alice, you are gorgeous.
Oh, go on.
I mean, go on and on and on and on.
Mmm!
Vichyssoise is such a pretty name
for cold potato soup, don't you think so?
You haven't even touched yours.
How can I eat, Alice,
when I can't take my eyes off you?
( laughing ): Oh, Mark.
You've blossomed with the years, Alice.
You do have a way with words.
How much longer do you think
you're going to be in town?
Well, that's hard to tell.
I'm trying to finish up a business deal.
Oh, you tycoons.
( Wry laugh )
Not really.
It's a deal that, um
I don't think the topic would interest you.
Try me.
Well, I've been at meetings all week
on a very unusual
investment opportunity.
As a matter of fact, it's so
good I was a little concerned
but it really checks out.
Well, I've got a little nest egg
that isn't hatching very much
in my bank account.
A bank is the best place
to let a nest egg hatch.
Besides, any business deal
is bound to be speculative.
Now
how about some wine?
Something sparkling
to go with your eyes.
( laughing ): Oh, Mark.
Would you be getting in
on the ground floor
of this investment opportunity?
Forget that, Alice.
There are other ground floors
but very few charming ladies.
Oh, where are you headed, Alice?
Oh, the bank.
Soon as I get the breakfast
dishes put away.
Oh, well, I'm going right by there.
I'll drop you off. Thanks.
In the meantime, if you
need a couple of dollars
No, thanks. I'm about to enter
the world of high finance.
High finance? What do you mean?
Well, Mark has this
great investment opportunity
and he's letting me in on it.
Oh? What kind of opportunity?
To get in on the ground floor.
Of what?
Well, he didn't say exactly.
Well, what's the name of the company?
I don't think he mentioned it.
But, anyway, the name of the
company isn't anywhere near
as important as what they do.
Well, what do they do, Alice?
I don't know exactly.
He said it was kind of speculative.
But just about that time,
I got the feeling we was
about to pop the question,
so, uh, I didn't want to rock the boat.
Did he pop the question?
Not quite.
Well, I'll, uh
I'll go, uh, get my coat.
Well, what sort of investment?
Carol, what type of business is it?
No, no, I don't blame you.
It makes me suspicious, too.
Listen, when are you
taking her to the bank?
Okay, I'll tell you what.
While you do that, I'll make
a couple of fast calls, okay?
Right. Okay, bye-bye.
I feel like such a fool.
Oh, I didn't like interfering, Alice,
but, well, you are one of the family.
After Mrs. Brady called me, Alice,
I phoned a friend of mine
at the district attorney's office
and he did a quick
rundown on Mark Millard,
and he's going to stop by
to ask you a few questions.
Mark sure was smooth.
Well, he's an incurable gambler
you know, horses, cards, you name it.
And he uses unsuspecting
women to support himself.
How could I have been so stupid?
I actually thought he might
be popping the question.
He might have.
Right now, he's paying alimony
to five wives
and trying to keep a jump ahead
of the sixth.
Six wives?!
And you might've been the seventh.
Well, that's what I call
making seven the hard way.
Well, Alice, when were you
going to give him the money?
He'll be coming by soon.
( Doorbell rings )
That's my friend
from the district attorney's office.
Now, relax, Alice.
Oh. Mr. Millard.
Hello, Mr. Brady.
How nice to find you at home.
Well can't tell you
how happy I am to be here.
Come on in. Alice is waiting for you.
Oh, splendid. I'm anxious
for a little chat with her.
Well, how are you, Mrs. Brady?
I couldn't be better, Mr. Millard.
Alice, I wonder if you and I
could have a moment together?
Mr. Millard
I took the liberty of talking
to a friend of mine
in the district attorney's
office this morning.
Oh?
And he did some checking for us.
That is, for Alice.
And he's on his way over here
right now, Mr. Millard.
Oh?
Mark?
Sorry, but that's life, Alice.
Well, I guess I'll be on my way.
I can, uh, see myself out.
Wait a minute. Just a second.
( Doorbell rings )
Hey, just wait!
Hold on!
( Thud and groan )
Sam, what'd you do to him?
Nothing.
I was just getting to the patio door,
and he ran right into
your frozen leg of lamb.
( Doorbell rings )
Oh, uh, listen, I better get my friend.
Quick, quick!
Say, who is that guy, anyway?
That's that old friend of mine
I was telling you about.
Well, anyway, I'm sorry
he ran into your leg of lamb.
Yeah, so am I.
I wish you'd been carrying
a whole side of beef.
Sam, would you put that
in the freezer for me, please?
Sure, Alice.
( Whistling )
There. A perfect little picnic for two.
I sure hope you enjoy your day off, Alice.
Oh, we will, Mrs. Brady.
Well, have a good time.
Thanks, Mr. Brady.
Hey, what's the matter, men?
Our plane.
There's not enough room
in the backyard, Dad. Hmm?
Well, Alice and I are
going to Highland Park.
A 747 could take off there.
You want to go with us?
Hey, that'd be great! Yeah, great!
Yeah!
And bring the girls to watch.
Okay. That's a good idea.
Sam, that's eight stomachs to fill
with food for two.
Oh, that's okay.
We'll stop by my shop;
I'll pick up some cold cuts.
Here, I'll put this in the car.
Well, Alice, you didn't
have much choice, did you?
Oh, I love having the
kids along, Mrs. Brady.
Of course, it isn't terribly romantic.
On the contrary, it's very romantic.
It is?
Yeah. For us.
Mike, you cut that out.
Have a good time, Alice.
CAROL: Oh, Alice