The Brady Bunch (1969) s02e24 Episode Script

1
Here's the story
Of a lovely lady
Who was bringing up
Three very lovely girls
All of them had hair of gold ♪
Like their mother
The youngest one in curls ♪
It's the story of a man named Brady ♪
Who was busy with
three boys of his own ♪
They were four men living all together ♪
Yet they were all alone ♪
Till the one day when
The lady met this fellow
And they knew that it was
much more than a hunch ♪
That this group
Must somehow form a family
That's the way we all
became the Brady Bunch ♪
The Brady Bunch
The Brady Bunch
That's the way we became
the Brady Bunch. ♪
Carol?
Carol?
Carol?
Oh, Mike, you frightened me.
I frightened you?
Honey, I looked all over the place
except the doghouse for you.
Well, I'm sorry, honey,
I just couldn't sleep.
It's kind of hard to do
sitting under a bright light
writing something.
What's that?
What is what?
What you're writing there.
Oh, it's just something.
Honey, it's a quarter
to 2:00 in the morning.
What could you possibly be writing?
Well, I, uh I just don't
feel like talking about it.
Not now.
Well, if that's the way you feel.
Is that the way you feel?
Yeah, that's the way I feel.
I-I don't mean to sound mysterious, but
Well, that's okay.
You gonna come to bed?
All right, darling.
But I warn you
even in my sleep, I won't talk.
Morning, Alice.
How come you're up so early, Mr. Brady?
I woke up during the night
and never really got back to sleep.
I thought I heard you prowling
around downstairs around 2:00.
You interrupted a perfectly lovely dream.
I was about to be crowned Miss America.
Well, sorry about that.
Oh, well, easy come, easy go.
I was looking for Mrs. Brady.
Mrs. Brady?
Yeah. Finally found her
curled up in a chair in my den
writing something.
Wouldn't tell me what it was.
That's funny.
Funny?
I found Mrs. Brady
curled up on a couch in the family room
just night before last,
writing something, too.
Oh, yeah? What?
I don't know.
She didn't tell me.
What do you suppose she's up to?
Maybe she's keeping a diary.
No, she wouldn't keep that a secret
not from me, anyway.
I don't think.
Alice, what do people write
when the rest of the world's asleep
and they don't want to be
caught or discovered?
Something they don't
want anybody to know about.
Oh, Alice, you have
a keen, analytical mind.
Hi, girls.
Hi, Alice. Hi, Dad. Hi.
How are you doing?
Hi, Dad. Where's Mom?
She's gonna skip breakfast.
To do her hair.
She's going on a date or something.
A what?
An early luncheon
appointment, she said.
JAN: She's getting real fancy.
She's under the dryer now.
Good. That'll keep her in one
place while I talk to her.
( Dryer roaring )
( Whistling )
Oh, Mike, I thought you left.
No, I haven't. The girls told me
you were going to skip breakfast.
Oh, thanks just the same.
I thought I'd skip breakfast.
No, they told me you were gonna
get gussied up for a date.
The date?
Oh, I think it's the 14th.
Honey, I'm in a terrible hurry.
I don't have much time and
Oh, sorry.
I understand you have
an appointment in town?
Lunch.
With Ellie?
No.
It's a secret.
Oh.
It's all part of the same secret.
I suppose you still
don't want to talk about it.
No, I'd rather not talk about it.
So if you don't mind, honey.
( Dryer roaring )
I do mind.
Listen, I hardly got any sleep last night.
I'm going to be burning up
with curiosity all day.
Oh, thanks, honey.
I hope you have a nice day, too. Bye.
Eggs Benedict and iced tea
for both of us, please.
Do you think it's silly
of me to try this, Mr. Delafield?
I mean, after all, I am a rank amateur.
I've never written
anything before except letters.
( Chuckles )
Well, until you put it
down on paper, Mrs. Brady,
you'll never really know.
Mike, what are you doing here?
I happened to be lunching
over there with a client.
Uh, well, Mike, you remember
Mr. Delafield.
This is my husband, Mike Brady.
Of course. We met a week or so ago
at a party given by the Campbells.
We did?
Yes, casually.
Why don't you join us?
Thank you.
I'm, uh, the editor
of Tomorrow's Woman magazine.
Oh, yes.
I'm sorry, I didn't remember.
That's perfectly all right.
I spent most of the evening
with Mrs. Brady.
( Chuckling )
Well, you must be
very proud of her.
Hmm? Oh, proud. Yes.
Yes, of course, I am.
This big jump she's taking
into the world of journalism.
You know, we feel
that a magazine such as ours
is an ideal market
for the story that Mrs. Brady
is writing about your family.
Story?
Story?
For Tomorrow's Woman magazine?
About us?
That's right, kids.
That's the most exciting thing
I've ever heard.
Everyone reads Tomorrow's Woman.
Even me.
I think it's neat.
Even if it's only a woman's magazine.
Tomorrow's Woman happens
to be a very fine magazine.
Yeah, and besides, what other magazine
will want a story about
a woman with three girls
marrying a man with three boys?
Not Popular Mechanics.
Anyway, it's exciting, isn't it?
Yeah. We've never been a story before.
I'm sure you'll be
comfortable here, honey.
But this has always
been your den, dear.
Listen, I am the proudest
husband in town,
and you can have
this whole den to yourself
until you finish that article.
Now, try the chair.
For what?
Sitting purposes! See if you,
it and that typewriter
are in full accord here.
Okay. Well, it seems just fine.
My goodness, I can't think
of anything else I need.
Well, two things.
First, privacy, which you'll have
as soon as I leave here.
And second the first piece
of paper to write on. There.
Oh
What's the matter?
It sure looks blank.
You boys are supposed
to empty the wastebaskets,
not read what's in them.
We're just average curious kids.
No one is going to read this article
until I'm finished.
Okay, but we're running
out of places to dump these.
Maybe you could scrunch 'em up tighter.
Go on.
Look out, look out.
Clear the road.
Hi, honey.
Hi. How's it going?
Well just great.
For the paper drive.
"Never forget the first time"
Uh-uh-uh-uh.
Not until it's finished.
You know, Mike,
everybody's been
so great through all this,
especially the kids.
They have been absolute angels.
Yeah, I think they're
practicing to be famous angels.
Thank you, love.
I'm Marcia Brady,
the oldest of the three Brady daughters.
If you read mother's article carefully,
you must know I begin on page three.
How does it feel to have a mother
as talented and successful as ours?
Well, it feels lovely, my dear.
Just lovely.
In the article, I'm called Cindy
but my real name is Cynthia.
It's so nice to have met you, darling.
( All giggling )
A necktie?
Well, sure, Pete.
When you're famous,
you can't look like a slob.
Does that mean you have
to wear clean socks, too?
There.
Now, how do I look?
Like a slob with a tie.
Alice, this is the third time
you've dusted this desk.
Say no more, Mrs. Brady.
I-I was just wondering
if I was in the article.
Well, of course you are, Alice.
You're one of the family.
As a matter of fact, you're
here at a very special time.
I am?
Yeah, watch.
Just two more words.
The End.
Ah!
Well, Tomorrow's Woman,
here you come.
Congratulations, Mrs. Brady.
What's the article going to be called?
Well, I haven't decided yet.
I have to discuss that with Mr. Delafield.
As a matter of fact, I'm taking
this down there right now.
He promised me an answer
within a week.
Mike, Mr. Delafield said a week
and it's been a week.
Don't you think I ought to call him?
No, honey. In business,
a week means, oh
ten days or two weeks.
Don't worry, he'll call.
Yes, but I gave my number
to his secretary
and maybe she lost it.
Oh, honey. Relax.
( Doorbell ringing )
Mike. Do you think that's him?
Oh, Carol.
Or maybe it's
a special delivery messenger
with a letter of acceptance,
or it could be a check or
Or maybe it's
I know a great way to find out.
Open the door.
Oh, no. Oh, Mike. Oh, I couldn't.
I mean, I-I'd just go to pieces.
( Doorbell ringing )
Okay.
I won't even look
or listen.
Oh, it's probably a salesman anyway.
Hey, honey, you were right.
Special delivery, Tomorrow's Woman.
Oh, my goodness, it's awfully big, isn't it,
for a letter or for a check?
Maybe it's a big check.
It's my story.
They sent it back.
Well, sometimes they ask for changes.
Oh. Well, there's a letter with it, too.
"Dear Mrs. Brady:
"You have certainly accomplished
an Herculean task."
I guess it was pretty big.
"And I thank you for letting me
read your manuscript."
Isn't that nice?
He thanks me.
"But, as I pointed out at our first meeting,
it was strictly a speculative venture."
That's right, he did. I remember.
"And, unfortunately, I feel the story
"doesn't fit our needs at the present time.
So I'm herewith returning it with"
Et cetera, et cetera, et cetera.
Mike, I've been rejected.
Flatly rejected.
Oh, honey.
Only by Tomorrow's Woman,
not by tonight's husband.
The explanation is really
quite simple, Mr. Brady.
The story your wife wrote
tells it like it is. That's all.
Well, what's wrong with that?
You can't mix
a second marriage, six kids,
a housekeeper and a dog
and come up with Romeo and Juliet.
I realize that.
But Tomorrow's Woman magazine
likes to accentuate the positive
the pleasant side of things.
You mean not tell it like it is.
Mr. Brady, today's world is grim enough.
Tomorrow's Woman
Well, we're looking for
for happy angles in life stories.
Not exactly rose-colored glasses, but
Yeah, I see. I see.
Well, what if we let Mrs. Brady
make another try?
Accentuating the positive, as you say.
I'd be more than happy
to read any revised version
she'd care to submit.
But, Mike, you couldn't. You didn't.
Yeah, I could and I did.
After the way I was rejected?
Knowing how I'd feel?
Honey, you weren't treated
any differently
than any other writer who's
received a rejection slip,
and the way you feel
is sorry for yourself, that's all.
Sorry for myself?!
Yeah. Listen, Delafield says
that you placed too much emphasis
on the problems in our lives
instead of the lighter,
happier times we've had.
If you rewrite it,
he says he'll be more
than pleased to read it.
Oh, no, Mike Brady.
I've had it.
Filled wastebaskets,
rejection slips, blank pages.
I'm not going near that typewriter again.
The End. Again.
That must be a big relief.
Oh, it is, Alice.
Only this time, Mr. Delafield
isn't getting first look at it.
I want several of my most severe
critics to read it first.
Well, all right.
You've all had a chance to read it.
What do you think?
And don't mince words.
Come on, let me have it the truth.
Alice.
Well, I really had
something else on my mind
when I read it, Mrs. Brady.
I was expecting Sam, you know.
Alice, are you trying to tell me
that my story wasn't interesting enough
to hold your attention?
Oh, I didn't say that.
I didn't say that at all.
Did I?
Greg, what was your reaction?
No holds barred, now.
The typing was great, Mom.
The typing?
I'm big on westerns and whodunits.
I don't know much about stories
like yours.
Nobody got shot or killed or anything.
Marcia?
Well, it's all so sweet and goody-goody.
We're always helping each other
and happy and smiling.
What about times
like when the washing
machine overflowed
and we all had a big fight?
Well, I had to change that.
Magazine policy.
Was that your only reaction?
No. I guess you did a pretty good job
considering what you
had to work with us.
Mike?
( Sighs )
Honey, a husband can't
testify against his wife.
Well, you gave Delafield
what he asked for.
I'm going to take it down to him myself.
( laughing )
Excuse me, Mrs. Brady
but what are you
made up for, Halloween?
Oh, I just thought
I'd clean out the fireplace.
Help me take my mind off
of well, you know.
Well, you only sent the story
to the magazine yesterday.
You couldn't expect to hear yet.
I don't expect to hear, period.
( Phone rings )
Hello.
Yes, this is Mrs. Brady speaking.
Who's calling?
Mr. Delafield?
I just put your manuscript down,
Mrs. Brady.
I could hardly wait to call you.
Oh, well, that's very nice
of you, Mr. Delafield.
Your rewrites are exactly what we want.
What did he say? Is it good?
We'd like to schedule it for
publication next month.
And, of course, you should be introduced
to our promotion department
at once.
At once?
Oh, as soon as possible.
And would a small tea
at your house be convenient?
We'd like to have our photographer take
some candid pictures
of your family at home
and meet a few of the local
critics informally.
The suspense is killing me.
I think the suspen
Yes, I think that can
be arranged, Mr. Delafield.
Splendid.
Shall we say, uh, Friday?
Oh, Friday's fine.
Excellent.
Let's say, uh, 3:00 or 4:00?
Oh, it doesn't matter to me.
Three or four, four or three.
Three, four, four, three, what?
Shh!
All right, let's make it 3:00.
Uh, uh
Three, four, four, three, what?
Shh!
( Stammers ): Uh, that'll
be just fine, Mr. Delafield.
And thank you. Yeah Thank you.
( Chuckles )
Wonderful.
Good-bye, Mrs. Brady.
Well, what did he say?
Let's see finger sandwiches
pastries
tea and coffee for the adults
and maybe a bowl of punch for the kids.
( Frustrated sob )
Oh, I'm sorry, Alice.
Mr. Delafield liked my story.
He's going to buy it.
Oh, Mrs. Brady!
Congratulations.
And we're going to start with a tea
on Friday at 4:00.
( Doorbell rings )
Mr. Delafield!
We did say 3:00, didn't we, Mrs. Brady?
No.
I mean, uh, yes.
Yes, indeed. Yes. Uh
We said 3:00. Of course.
I guess.
Come in.
Thank you.
This is Danny Englebert,
one of our very best photographers.
Hi.
And my Editorial Assistant, Daisy Lewis.
Hi. And Mr. Jim Raymond,
head of our promotional department.
Oh
And Wally Witherspoon.
Hope you read
"Wake up With Witherspoon"
in your morning paper, Mrs. Brady.
Oh we never miss it.
And, uh, Nora Maynard,
who I trust will have a few nice things
to say about the Brady family
in her syndicated literary column.
So this is Mrs. Brady.
Well, uh, would you all
excuse me while I change?
I was really expecting you at 4:00.
Why don't you just
make yourselves at home?
Well, that's what you did.
Well, I don't care what you say.
I didn't do it!
Just because you're older
than I am, Marcia Brady,
doesn't mean you have
to chop my school friends.
MARCIA: You call those goons friends?
Girls
( hiccup )
I've got the hiccups.
Girls, we have guests.
These are my daughters,
Marcia, Jan and Cindy.
These are the three lovable little moppets
you wrote about, Mrs. Brady?
These are the three.
There are three boys in the
family, too, aren't there?
JAN: They're right behind us.
Bobby tore his good pants.
( Hiccup )
I got caught on that same old fence.
Peter, your eye!
I got in another fight with Buddy Hinton.
Mom, I talked to the school nurse.
She said I have poison oak.
( Kids screaming )
Poison oak?
And, uh, those
were my boys.
Not quite the darling
little tykes I expected.
Well, uh, why don't you all sit down?
It'll only take me a minute to, uh, change.
I bet you'd love something to eat.
Alice! Would you bring
those sandwiches, please?
Yes, ma'am.
Oops. I forgot the mayonnaise.
Hi, honey. I'm home.
( Both yelp )
I'll snap those, Mr. Brady.
Hello, everybody.
This must be Mr. Brady.
Yeah. Head of the family
and chief flower dropper.
How do you do?
Mike, uh, this is, uh, Nora Maynard
and, uh, Wally Silverspoon.
Witherspoon.
DELAFIELD: Uh, Mr. Brady,
these are members of my staff.
How do you do?
Mr. Delafield,
I'm afraid the family in Mrs. Brady's story
bears little resemblance to this one.
Well
Perhaps a ghostwriter wrote your story.
No, no. She not only wrote it,
she rewrote it, too.
MAYNARD: Well, it
certainly wasn't about
this delightfully normal
family and its problems.
WITHERSPOON: I'm
afraid the model family
you wrote about exists only in fairy tales.
Take the advice
of an experienced reviewer, Mrs. Brady.
The truth isn't only stranger than fiction,
but far more interesting
to the average reader.
Right. Tell it like it is, Mrs. Brady.
Tell it like it is.
Nora, let's see if some
sandwiches survived the crash.
Come on, fellows.
Well, I suppose they
wouldn't give my story
a very good review, Mr. Delafield.
No. No, they wouldn't.
And I guess you don't
want to publish it now.
Oh, no, not under these conditions.
Well, honey, even famous writers
have had stories rejected, you know.
Yes, but I had
the same story rejected twice.
Oh, correction.
Just once.
I'm going to publish your first version.
But you said
DELAFIELD: Mrs. Brady,
I never listen to what I say.
I listen to what they say.
Oh, Mike, I can hardly wait
to get in there to my typewriter.
You can't wait to write another story.
No, I can't wait to break it,
so I'll never have
to go through this again.
You want us to empty
your wastebaskets, Alice?
So we can read what's on
the scrunched-up paper.
That scrunched-up paper's important.
That may be the best part.
Now, get. You're disturbing
a very busy writer at work.
When are you going
to stop writing your story
and start cooking our dinner?
Oh, your mother's
doing that for me today
so that I can finish this.
Well, Alice, your dinner's ready.
Thank you.
Oh, boys, ours is on the table, too.
Would you go tell your
father and the girls?
GREG Sure.
There.
Well, how's it going?
Fine. I'm glad you inspired me.
Good.
Oh, Alice, could you do me a favor?
Sure. What is it?
Can I have your autograph?
Autograph?
Certainly, Mrs. Brady.
( Chuckling ): Oh
"Ernest Hemingway"?
Well, I thought I might
as well start at the top.
Alice!