Gilligan's Island (1964) s02e26 Episode Script
Will the Real Mr. Howell Please Stand Up?
1
Just sit right back,
and you'll hear a tale ♪
a tale of a fateful trip ♪
that started from this tropic port ♪
aboard this tiny ship ♪
the mate was a mighty sailin' man ♪
the skipper brave and sure ♪
5 passengers set sail that day
for a 3-hour tour ♪
a 3-hour tour ♪
[thunder]
The weather started getting rough ♪
the tiny ship was tossed ♪
if not for the courage
of the fearless crew ♪
the minnow would be lost,
the minnow would be lost ♪
the ship set ground
on the shore of this ♪
uncharted desert isle ♪
with gilligan ♪
the skipper, too ♪
the millionaire and his wife ♪
the movie star ♪
the professor and Mary Ann ♪
here on gilligan's isle ♪
[guitar music playing]
Reporter: We interrupt this program
for a special news bulletin.
Thurston ho well III,
financial wizard of wall street,
has been rescued after
being given up for lost
in the shipwreck
of the minnow so long ago.
Please stand by for an
on-the-spot, exclusive interview.
Mr. Howell! Mr. Howell!
Hey, Mr. Howell! Mr. Howell!
Gilligan, gilligan. What is it?
You're gonna be
interviewed on the radio.
What? I'm what?
The poor boy's gone island happy.
Oh, no, I'm not. Listen.
You've been rescued.
Reporter: Ladies and gentlemen,
Mrs. Howell and 5 others
were lost in the shipwreck
of the minnow,
but the great man, lovingly
known as the wolf of wall street,
has been amazingly rescued.
Sir, may we congratulate you
on your amazing rescue.
Thank you, and to my many
friends and stockholders,
it's good to be back.
Thank you, sir.
Thurston, it does sound like you.
You see? You see? You've been rescued.
Reporter: Is it true, sir,
that you're the only survivor
of that ill-fated cruise?
Yes, that is that is very true.
It was a great tragedy at sea.
Yes, sir. And Mrs. Howell?
Well, my poor wife is at
the bottom of the ocean.
Alas, I shall never see
poor, dear lovey again.
Ooh, thurston, I think I'm going to cry.
Oh, come to your senses, woman.
That man is an impostor.
How do we know?
Well, of course he is, isn't he, thurston?
Well, of course he is.
Even the accent is phoney.
Probably not even a Harvard man.
A Yale man, poor devil.
Reporter: Sir, you have
our deepest sympathy.
Uh, may we ask, sir,
what your immediate plans are?
Well, my plans are to resume
as the head of the giant ho
well enterprises and forge ahead.
He wouldn't dare.
I've gotta go tell the skipper.
Reporter: One last question, sir.
Is there any truth to the rumor
that you intend to sell
your amalgamated stock
to raise immediate capital?
Sir, that is not rumor.
That is cold, hard fact.
Lovey! Lovey! He's going
to sell my amalgamated.
Oh, thurston. What are you going to do?
What am I I'm going to
stop him. I'm going to kill!
Kill! Kill! Kill!
Kill! Kill! Kill him!
Get him back in the sand!
I got him! I got him! No!
Thurston, you must never do that again.
Swimming to the mainland
simply isn't practical.
Especially at this time of year,
when the water's so cold.
That impostor will ruin me.
Reduce me to a pauper.
Well, after all, you have
some money here on the island.
Oh, money. A few hundred
thousand dollars. That's petty cash.
Back home, that's interest
on my interest.
Never mind, dear.
You're still thurston ho well III,
no matter what that mean old impostor
goes around saying.
I am, aren't I? Yes, I keep forgetting.
And I'm a billionaire after taxes,
and I must remember that money talks,
and when money talks, people listen.
Thurston, when you speak
about money, it's sheer poetry.
Lovey. Lovey, you just
gave me a wonderful idea.
I did? What did I say?
Well, you call the people together
and tell them the real thurston ho well
has an important
announcement to make.
I, uh, I hope that we're all
present and accounted for.
Let's see. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6
somebody's missing.
Oh, gilligan. You didn't count yourself.
Of course, you're not all here, anyway.
Alright, now I want to make
this following announcement.
As you know, there's an impostor
impersonating me back home.
Yeah, and he sure sounds like you.
Well, believe me, gilligan, it isn't me.
Therefore, it is imperative
that I return to the mainland.
So I'm gonna make
this rather amazing offer.
Now, to wit, to the first person or persons
who can figure out a way
to get me off this island,
back to the mainland,
I will guarantee $1 million.
[Excited chattering]
Ho-ho-ho no! Now, wait a minute.
Now, the contest will start
at the sound of my tearing this $100 bill.
1, 2, 3.
[All scream]
Get out of the way, gilligan!
Thurston, you're a genius.
After all, for a million dollars,
somebody's bound to find a way
to get you off the island.
Yes, but what about you?
Me? You want me to try?
Well, can you think of a better way
of keeping the money in the family?
Skipper, how do you spell Cannon?
C-a-n-n-o-n. Cannon.
Cannon?
Oh. It's not a good idea, huh?
[Laughs]
Oh, yeah, yeah.
Hey, skipper? What are you working on?
Never mind, gilligan.
But, skipper, I got a swell idea,
and if you tell me your
idea, I'll tell you mine,
and we can work on it together.
No, thanks, little buddy.
Oh, I get it. You want to keep
the million dollars for yourself, huh?
Well, that sure is nice, big buddy.
If I had a million dollars,
I'd share it with you.
Gilligan, I would gladly
share my million dollars with you.
Oh, yeah? Yes, but now, it's just
I don't want you to help me with my idea
because, gilligan, you're
a one-man disaster area,
and I don't want to be
part of your next disaster.
That's nice for one buddy
to say to another buddy.
Well, gilligan, check your
track record, for goodness sakes.
Name one thing that you've done right
since you got here to the island.
That's real easy. Remember that time
we were gonna launch
the minnow, and I
[sighs] Forget that one.
Oh, remember the time I was in charge
of water rationing, and I
forget that one, too.
Oh, remember the time the
headhunter came on the island
Well, if that's the way you feel about it,
I'll just go looking for feathers by myself.
Look for feathers?
Reporter: Now speaking to you
from the floor of the stock exchange,
thurston ho well III,
after a 2-year absence,
is once again personally supervising
his multi-million dollar stock portfolio.
Impostor: What did we get
for that last batch of amalgamated?
Oh, no, no! Not my dear
sweet, sweet amalgamated.
There, there, dear.
Reporter: Mr. Howell, if we may
interrupt you for just one question.
Impostor: Uh, one minute, please.
Uh, now you can start selling off
my apex international.
No, no! Not my apex international.
Impostor: That's right. Apex international.
I've got a million in mad money
to celebrate my return to civilization.
Lovey! I'll kill him! I'll kill him!
Okay, Mary Ann, it's agreed.
We'll pool our ideas, and
we'll split the million dollars.
Oh, and I have a wonderful idea
for Mr. Howell's rescue.
Oh, so have I.
Well, what's yours? What's yours?
Both: You go first.
Okay. Um, we'll have a big,
noisy musical comedy show,
and I'll wear one of those
skimpy little costumes,
and that's sure to attract any airline pilot
that's passing overhead.
You're kidding. They fly at 20,000 feet.
Well, so what? When it comes
to girls in skimpy costumes,
airline pilots have radar.
I think it's silly.
You do? Yes, besides,
listen to my idea. We'll catch some fish,
we'll write messages on
their side with waterproof paint,
and then we'll release them.
Well, some fisherman somewhere
is bound to catch one of them,
and the messages will
get back to civilization.
Talk about silly ideas.
The only one who will
get those messages,
are the other fish.
Well, I think your idea is for the birds.
I think we'd better work
on our ideas separately.
Well, that suits me fine.
Skimpy costumes for airline pilots.
Painted fish. [Whistles]
Reporter: And here,
at the sunny side racetrack,
for the first running of the ho well stakes,
in honor of his amazing rescue,
is thurston ho well III.
And how are you today, sir?
Impostor: Uh, fine, fine. I
couldn't be better. Could we, dear?
Woman: Oh, thurston.
Who is that?
Don't ask me. Ask him.
Reporter: I see you have a
most attractive blonde friend
on your arm today, Mr. Howell?
Impostor: Uh, now that you
mention it, I have, haven't I?
As a matter of fact, I'm
thinking of starting a collection
in all sizes, shapes and hair colors,
as a living tribute
to my dear, departed wife.
Oh, the nerve of you, thurston.
The minute my back is turned.
But lovey, it's not me.
No, but it could be.
Reporter: Now, Mr. Howell,
not to mix business with pleasure,
but about that rumor you're
merging ho well industries
with consolidated export
Impostor: Well, actually, that's
one where I hadn't heard of,
but I rather like the idea.
Yes, I'll see to that
first thing Monday morning.
Oh, no! No! It will crumble my empire!
I'll kill him! No! No!
There he goes again.
Kill! Kill! Kill! Let me go!
I can swim! Put me down!
Alright, then. We're agreed.
We'll pool our ideas,
work on the best one together,
and split the million dollars.
But we'd better hurry up, professor.
Before Mr. Howell completely flips his lid.
Or before he gets so excited
he does swim back to the mainland.
Alright, then. Let's see your ideas.
Here's mine. Here's mine.
Mmm. Interesting. Very interesting.
I bet he likes mine best.
Not a chance, Mary Ann.
Oh, come on, girls. He'll like mine better.
What's better than a one-man balloon
with hot rocks to produce hot air?
Well, after examining these ideas
with an unbiased scientific eye,
it appears that the
only really practical one
is, uh
Mine.
Yours? Hey, yours, professor?
Now, listen. My idea is
to construct a pontoon boat.
I feel that will give Mr. Howell
his best chance of reaching
the shipping lanes.
A pontoon boat?
Say, we can use that bicycle device
for the source of power.
Precisely, and there's plenty
of wood on the island for the pontoons.
Well, I guess it's something
we could all work on together.
Alright, let's get started
as soon as possible.
Well, wait a minute. Where's gilligan?
We forgot about gilligan.
Oh, the last time I saw gilligan,
he was collecting feathers
for some ridiculous idea that he had.
Skipper, look.
Gilligan, you come down from there.
Skipper, I've been watching
the birds fly. It's real easy.
Gilligan, come down here right now.
Okay, here I come.
Gilligan, you can't fly. It's impossible.
I can't?
No.
Oh. Mmm.
Gilligan! Gilligan, little buddy!
Are you alright?
Why did you have to say that?
Impossible? Why did
you have to say that?
There. That pontoon
seems sturdy enough.
Good.
Ooh!
Well, gilligan. Don't just stand
there daydreaming, get to work.
Skipper, I still think those
wings would have worked.
For a couple of seconds
there, I felt lighter than air.
Oh, with that head of yours,
you are lighter than air.
Now, get to work. Check
the line on the paddle wheel.
Here's the fresh water.
Oh, and hardtack, soup,
soap, and the social register.
Social register?
Well, in case Mr. Howell wants to read.
See ya.
Thanks, girls.
Skipper, do you really
think this contraption is safe?
Sure, if she gets you out on
the shipping lanes before it sinks.
Oh, good. Oh, good before it sinks?
Oh, relax, Mr. Howell.
I guarantee you this pontoon
boat is 100% watertight.
Well, I hope so, because I am not.
You never dress first night out.
Let me get alright, Mr. Howell.
Step up here.
Oh, bon voyage, darling.
And try not to drink any seawater
if you can possibly avoid it.
Oh, and, Mr. Howell, when
you get to the mainland,
don't forget to send back help.
Yes, as soon as I dispose
of the impostor.
Oh, thurston. You look so handsome
and debonair standing there.
I do wish I had some
film for this camera.
I never knew you were so brave.
Something more important
than life itself. Money.
Mr. Howell, if you get into trouble,
just fire this flare pistol.
Thank you. Thank you
very much, professor,
and don't think the whole thing
hasn't been just simply enchanting.
The whole thing.
As we say, "bon voyage!"
Bon voyage!
Bon voyage!
Lovey: Bon voyage, darling.
Bon voyage!
Oh, dear. I think thurston's
trying to tell us something.
Reporter: And now, for the latest news
of thurston ho well III.
The famous capitalist and sportsman
has flown to Hawaii,
and is about to set sail
on a pacific cruise
aboard a chartered yacht,
with an all-girl crew of 49.
49 girls on a yacht, and
I'm playing Santa Claus.
Oh, thurston, not again.
You'll shrink all your clothes.
Oh, the fickleness of fate.
Why couldn't I be the impostor
spending his money?
Oh, never mind, dear.
Everything's going to be alright.
Mrs. Howell? How is he?
All he talks about is losing his money.
I think he's in dire need of a psychiatrist.
Well, I don't profess to be
a psychiatrist, Mrs. Howell,
however, I do hold a
master's degree in psychology.
Oh, I wish you'd speak to him, professor.
After all, money isn't everything,
especially when one has
diamonds and real estate.
Alright.
Professor. 49 girls at $25 an hour.
As a crew. You understand?
$2,000 a day for the yacht,
champagne, caviar, $50 an ounce,
and I don't even like caviar.
Mr. Howell, I can't do
anything about the impostor,
but perhaps I can help you
overcome your obsession with money.
Obsession with money?
What obsession with money?
I'm gonna listen
to the stock market report.
Please. It is my radio.
Mr. Howell, suppose we try
playing a little word game.
I'll give you a word,
and then you give me the word
which immediately comes to your mind.
Alright. I assure you,
I have no obsession
with money, believe me.
Alright. The first word is happy.
Money.
Sad.
Money.
Moon.
Money.
Stars.
Money.
Child.
Tax deduction.
Well, it certainly is a
problem, Mrs. Howell.
Tell me. During the stock market crash,
what did you do to get Mr. Howell's mind
off his money problems?
The crash? Oh, uh, that's when
thurston lost most of his money
and became just a millionaire.
Let me see oh, I remember.
We took his radio away from him.
Reporter: And when asked
what he would do
if his chartered yacht ran out of fuel,
thurston ho well III gaily
replied that would be no problem,
as he's taking along money to burn.
Money to burn?
Shh.
It sure is dark in here.
What did you say?
Gilligan.
Ah! Would you watch
where you're crawling?
Now, be quiet.
Mr. Howell: 49 crew
members $25 a day
Mmm. Yacht $2,000 a day
My money is[Snoring]
Caviar, champagne
[Snoring]
Gilligan, he's got his hands
wrapped around the radio.
Now, I'll raise his hands,
and then you grab it.
Yeah.
Got it! Aah!
What's going on here?
It's the skipper and gilligan.
And they've got my radio.
Well, we couldn't sleep,
so we're going to play
some dance music.
You know, we kind of dance around
Will you stop that, gilligan?
Reporter: We interrupt this program
for a special news report from Hawaii.
Quiet, quiet. It's a news bulletin.
Reporter: News has just been
received on the chartered yacht
of thurston ho well III.
The famous billionaire
has fallen overboard
while drinking champagne
from a crew member's slipper.
Lovey, the impostor has fallen overboard.
I would never drink champagne
from a crew member's slipper. Yuck!
The poor man.
The poor fellow.
Imagine falling overboard
and leaving a crew like that behind.
Isn't that so, Teddy?
Mr. Howell, is that offer
to get you off the island for
a million dollars still good?
No, gilligan. Since there's
no impostor spending my money,
the offer is now one half a million.
Oh. Well, it's a deal anyway.
Well, just exactly what
are you doing, my boy?
Measuring you for a pair of wings.
Measuring me for no, thanks.
I heard about your flight.
These are new, improved wings.
Let's forget it. I like round trips.
It's the only way to fly.
Here's some of that
new palm root wine, dear.
Oh, yes, yes. Uh, thank you.
Mmm. Another vintage year. Good crop.
Oh.
How was the drink, darling?
Uh, excellent.
A good year for palm root.
I brought you some more.
Uh, thank you.
Ooh. Ooh, my head.
How did I get here?
That new wine must have a lot of kick.
Oh, hi, Mr. Howell.
Have you seen any feath
how did you get your clothes all wet?
My clothes all wet?
How did I get these clothes?
What a chaser. Haven't felt like this
since new year's Eve.
Hi, Mr. Howell.
Hi, son.
I say, old man, you're
you're lying on my chaise,
and I'm, uh
I beg your pardon,
Mr. Howell Mr. Howell?!
The impostor! I found
the aah! Impostor!
Aah! Impostor! Lovey! Lovey!
What did you say, thurston?
The impostor! He's
over there! Follow me!
Hoax! Hoax! Like I said,
here here he is. Here
he is. The impostor.
I'm not the impostor.
You're the impostor.
Skipper, there's 2 Mr. Howells.
No, gilligan. There's only one.
This fellow's obviously a blatant phoney.
Lovey, tell him who's the
real thurston ho well III.
Oh, dear. I I really don't know.
Well, you don't know?
What about the mole?
Yes. Thurston has the cutest little mole
on his right elbow.
Well?
Oh.
Oh, thurston. It's you.
Of course.
One minute, please.
Just take a look at at this.
Look. He's got the same kind of a mole.
I have a mole myself, but
I can't show it to anybody.
Why not?
Quiet, gilligan.
Lovey, don't you recognize
your own husband?
Well, I recognize his clothes on that one.
Yep. That's Mr. Howell, alright.
Well, don't you see that this scoundrel
swam ashore, rapped me in the head,
dragged me in the jungle,
and changed clothes with me?
Fantastic story.
Oh, I don't know what to think.
Maybe you have to keep them both.
No, you won't have to keep them both.
I'm going to ask some pointed questions
which will prove conclusively
which is the real Mr. Howell.
Alright. Fire when ready.
Alright. Now, uh, what is
your favorite reading material?
The social registry. You might
even say it's our family Bible.
Yep, that's Mr. Howell, alright.
Alright, now, now, try this one.
This one is, uh uh, tell me,
what is your favorite exclusive club?
New York stock exchange.
Yep. That's Mr. Howell, alright.
Very, very cunning.
Now, if you had to give up
everything in the world,
except your money or your wife,
which one would you keep?
My money, of course.
That's Mr. Howell, alright.
Oh, thurston, it is you.
No, it's not me. I mean,
I'm not him. I'm me.
Oh. Special report here on the radio.
Mr. Howell.
Good heavens. Well
There's a special report on the radio
about one of you, anyway.
Reporter: It has just been reported,
from a reliable source,
that the man thought
to be thurston ho well III,
who fell overboard from a
chartered yacht last night,
was, in reality, an impostor.
When his signature was checked
in New York yesterday
with papers signed
several years ago [Turns off radio]
His signature. Of course. Now, my
there he goes. He's gone!
Impostor! Impostor! Come back here!
Oh, let him go, thurston.
What's the difference?
That's right, Mr. Howell.
What's the difference?
He can't spend any more
of your money anyway,
even if he is rescued.
Well, he can't, can he?!
He's wearing my pants
and my wallet's in the back pocket!
Reporter: And there is
nothing further to report
on the curious rescue
at sea this afternoon.
The unidentified survivor,
wearing a life preserver
and carrying an empty
champagne bottle,
was plucked from the sea
by a native fishing boat.
No one seems to know who he is
or how he got there
or anything else about him.
Thurston, do you think
that's the impostor?
Well, of course it's the impostor.
How many people are
floating around the pacific ocean
with an empty champagne bottle?
Now he'll send back help.
Oh, never in a million years, gilligan.
No, the skipper's right.
This fellow's wanted by the police.
He has to shut up or
go to jail. That scoundrel.
Though I must say, I admire his
attitude about money. Very healthy.
The resemblance is remarkable.
The guy was the spittin' image.
Oh, how vulgar.
Gilligan, stop that, will you?
What are you doing, gilligan?
I'm just checking for
the mole on his elbow.
You know, if he was the impostor,
he might have painted it on,
and then the real
Mr. Howell would be out
oh, come on, shut up.
Oh, get him out.
Lovey!
Well, thurston, how
am I going to be sure?
No, it's me. I'm me. It's me. Me! Me!
Now this is the tale of our castaways ♪
they're here for a long, long time ♪
they'll have to make the best of things ♪
it's an uphill climb ♪
the first mate and his skipper, too ♪
will do their very best ♪
to make the others comfortable ♪
in their tropic island nest ♪
no phone No lights
no motorcars, not a single luxury ♪
like Robinson crusoe ♪
it's primitive as can be ♪
so join us here each week, my friends ♪
you're sure to get a smile ♪
from 7 stranded castaways ♪
here on gilligan's isle ♪
Just sit right back,
and you'll hear a tale ♪
a tale of a fateful trip ♪
that started from this tropic port ♪
aboard this tiny ship ♪
the mate was a mighty sailin' man ♪
the skipper brave and sure ♪
5 passengers set sail that day
for a 3-hour tour ♪
a 3-hour tour ♪
[thunder]
The weather started getting rough ♪
the tiny ship was tossed ♪
if not for the courage
of the fearless crew ♪
the minnow would be lost,
the minnow would be lost ♪
the ship set ground
on the shore of this ♪
uncharted desert isle ♪
with gilligan ♪
the skipper, too ♪
the millionaire and his wife ♪
the movie star ♪
the professor and Mary Ann ♪
here on gilligan's isle ♪
[guitar music playing]
Reporter: We interrupt this program
for a special news bulletin.
Thurston ho well III,
financial wizard of wall street,
has been rescued after
being given up for lost
in the shipwreck
of the minnow so long ago.
Please stand by for an
on-the-spot, exclusive interview.
Mr. Howell! Mr. Howell!
Hey, Mr. Howell! Mr. Howell!
Gilligan, gilligan. What is it?
You're gonna be
interviewed on the radio.
What? I'm what?
The poor boy's gone island happy.
Oh, no, I'm not. Listen.
You've been rescued.
Reporter: Ladies and gentlemen,
Mrs. Howell and 5 others
were lost in the shipwreck
of the minnow,
but the great man, lovingly
known as the wolf of wall street,
has been amazingly rescued.
Sir, may we congratulate you
on your amazing rescue.
Thank you, and to my many
friends and stockholders,
it's good to be back.
Thank you, sir.
Thurston, it does sound like you.
You see? You see? You've been rescued.
Reporter: Is it true, sir,
that you're the only survivor
of that ill-fated cruise?
Yes, that is that is very true.
It was a great tragedy at sea.
Yes, sir. And Mrs. Howell?
Well, my poor wife is at
the bottom of the ocean.
Alas, I shall never see
poor, dear lovey again.
Ooh, thurston, I think I'm going to cry.
Oh, come to your senses, woman.
That man is an impostor.
How do we know?
Well, of course he is, isn't he, thurston?
Well, of course he is.
Even the accent is phoney.
Probably not even a Harvard man.
A Yale man, poor devil.
Reporter: Sir, you have
our deepest sympathy.
Uh, may we ask, sir,
what your immediate plans are?
Well, my plans are to resume
as the head of the giant ho
well enterprises and forge ahead.
He wouldn't dare.
I've gotta go tell the skipper.
Reporter: One last question, sir.
Is there any truth to the rumor
that you intend to sell
your amalgamated stock
to raise immediate capital?
Sir, that is not rumor.
That is cold, hard fact.
Lovey! Lovey! He's going
to sell my amalgamated.
Oh, thurston. What are you going to do?
What am I I'm going to
stop him. I'm going to kill!
Kill! Kill! Kill!
Kill! Kill! Kill him!
Get him back in the sand!
I got him! I got him! No!
Thurston, you must never do that again.
Swimming to the mainland
simply isn't practical.
Especially at this time of year,
when the water's so cold.
That impostor will ruin me.
Reduce me to a pauper.
Well, after all, you have
some money here on the island.
Oh, money. A few hundred
thousand dollars. That's petty cash.
Back home, that's interest
on my interest.
Never mind, dear.
You're still thurston ho well III,
no matter what that mean old impostor
goes around saying.
I am, aren't I? Yes, I keep forgetting.
And I'm a billionaire after taxes,
and I must remember that money talks,
and when money talks, people listen.
Thurston, when you speak
about money, it's sheer poetry.
Lovey. Lovey, you just
gave me a wonderful idea.
I did? What did I say?
Well, you call the people together
and tell them the real thurston ho well
has an important
announcement to make.
I, uh, I hope that we're all
present and accounted for.
Let's see. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6
somebody's missing.
Oh, gilligan. You didn't count yourself.
Of course, you're not all here, anyway.
Alright, now I want to make
this following announcement.
As you know, there's an impostor
impersonating me back home.
Yeah, and he sure sounds like you.
Well, believe me, gilligan, it isn't me.
Therefore, it is imperative
that I return to the mainland.
So I'm gonna make
this rather amazing offer.
Now, to wit, to the first person or persons
who can figure out a way
to get me off this island,
back to the mainland,
I will guarantee $1 million.
[Excited chattering]
Ho-ho-ho no! Now, wait a minute.
Now, the contest will start
at the sound of my tearing this $100 bill.
1, 2, 3.
[All scream]
Get out of the way, gilligan!
Thurston, you're a genius.
After all, for a million dollars,
somebody's bound to find a way
to get you off the island.
Yes, but what about you?
Me? You want me to try?
Well, can you think of a better way
of keeping the money in the family?
Skipper, how do you spell Cannon?
C-a-n-n-o-n. Cannon.
Cannon?
Oh. It's not a good idea, huh?
[Laughs]
Oh, yeah, yeah.
Hey, skipper? What are you working on?
Never mind, gilligan.
But, skipper, I got a swell idea,
and if you tell me your
idea, I'll tell you mine,
and we can work on it together.
No, thanks, little buddy.
Oh, I get it. You want to keep
the million dollars for yourself, huh?
Well, that sure is nice, big buddy.
If I had a million dollars,
I'd share it with you.
Gilligan, I would gladly
share my million dollars with you.
Oh, yeah? Yes, but now, it's just
I don't want you to help me with my idea
because, gilligan, you're
a one-man disaster area,
and I don't want to be
part of your next disaster.
That's nice for one buddy
to say to another buddy.
Well, gilligan, check your
track record, for goodness sakes.
Name one thing that you've done right
since you got here to the island.
That's real easy. Remember that time
we were gonna launch
the minnow, and I
[sighs] Forget that one.
Oh, remember the time I was in charge
of water rationing, and I
forget that one, too.
Oh, remember the time the
headhunter came on the island
Well, if that's the way you feel about it,
I'll just go looking for feathers by myself.
Look for feathers?
Reporter: Now speaking to you
from the floor of the stock exchange,
thurston ho well III,
after a 2-year absence,
is once again personally supervising
his multi-million dollar stock portfolio.
Impostor: What did we get
for that last batch of amalgamated?
Oh, no, no! Not my dear
sweet, sweet amalgamated.
There, there, dear.
Reporter: Mr. Howell, if we may
interrupt you for just one question.
Impostor: Uh, one minute, please.
Uh, now you can start selling off
my apex international.
No, no! Not my apex international.
Impostor: That's right. Apex international.
I've got a million in mad money
to celebrate my return to civilization.
Lovey! I'll kill him! I'll kill him!
Okay, Mary Ann, it's agreed.
We'll pool our ideas, and
we'll split the million dollars.
Oh, and I have a wonderful idea
for Mr. Howell's rescue.
Oh, so have I.
Well, what's yours? What's yours?
Both: You go first.
Okay. Um, we'll have a big,
noisy musical comedy show,
and I'll wear one of those
skimpy little costumes,
and that's sure to attract any airline pilot
that's passing overhead.
You're kidding. They fly at 20,000 feet.
Well, so what? When it comes
to girls in skimpy costumes,
airline pilots have radar.
I think it's silly.
You do? Yes, besides,
listen to my idea. We'll catch some fish,
we'll write messages on
their side with waterproof paint,
and then we'll release them.
Well, some fisherman somewhere
is bound to catch one of them,
and the messages will
get back to civilization.
Talk about silly ideas.
The only one who will
get those messages,
are the other fish.
Well, I think your idea is for the birds.
I think we'd better work
on our ideas separately.
Well, that suits me fine.
Skimpy costumes for airline pilots.
Painted fish. [Whistles]
Reporter: And here,
at the sunny side racetrack,
for the first running of the ho well stakes,
in honor of his amazing rescue,
is thurston ho well III.
And how are you today, sir?
Impostor: Uh, fine, fine. I
couldn't be better. Could we, dear?
Woman: Oh, thurston.
Who is that?
Don't ask me. Ask him.
Reporter: I see you have a
most attractive blonde friend
on your arm today, Mr. Howell?
Impostor: Uh, now that you
mention it, I have, haven't I?
As a matter of fact, I'm
thinking of starting a collection
in all sizes, shapes and hair colors,
as a living tribute
to my dear, departed wife.
Oh, the nerve of you, thurston.
The minute my back is turned.
But lovey, it's not me.
No, but it could be.
Reporter: Now, Mr. Howell,
not to mix business with pleasure,
but about that rumor you're
merging ho well industries
with consolidated export
Impostor: Well, actually, that's
one where I hadn't heard of,
but I rather like the idea.
Yes, I'll see to that
first thing Monday morning.
Oh, no! No! It will crumble my empire!
I'll kill him! No! No!
There he goes again.
Kill! Kill! Kill! Let me go!
I can swim! Put me down!
Alright, then. We're agreed.
We'll pool our ideas,
work on the best one together,
and split the million dollars.
But we'd better hurry up, professor.
Before Mr. Howell completely flips his lid.
Or before he gets so excited
he does swim back to the mainland.
Alright, then. Let's see your ideas.
Here's mine. Here's mine.
Mmm. Interesting. Very interesting.
I bet he likes mine best.
Not a chance, Mary Ann.
Oh, come on, girls. He'll like mine better.
What's better than a one-man balloon
with hot rocks to produce hot air?
Well, after examining these ideas
with an unbiased scientific eye,
it appears that the
only really practical one
is, uh
Mine.
Yours? Hey, yours, professor?
Now, listen. My idea is
to construct a pontoon boat.
I feel that will give Mr. Howell
his best chance of reaching
the shipping lanes.
A pontoon boat?
Say, we can use that bicycle device
for the source of power.
Precisely, and there's plenty
of wood on the island for the pontoons.
Well, I guess it's something
we could all work on together.
Alright, let's get started
as soon as possible.
Well, wait a minute. Where's gilligan?
We forgot about gilligan.
Oh, the last time I saw gilligan,
he was collecting feathers
for some ridiculous idea that he had.
Skipper, look.
Gilligan, you come down from there.
Skipper, I've been watching
the birds fly. It's real easy.
Gilligan, come down here right now.
Okay, here I come.
Gilligan, you can't fly. It's impossible.
I can't?
No.
Oh. Mmm.
Gilligan! Gilligan, little buddy!
Are you alright?
Why did you have to say that?
Impossible? Why did
you have to say that?
There. That pontoon
seems sturdy enough.
Good.
Ooh!
Well, gilligan. Don't just stand
there daydreaming, get to work.
Skipper, I still think those
wings would have worked.
For a couple of seconds
there, I felt lighter than air.
Oh, with that head of yours,
you are lighter than air.
Now, get to work. Check
the line on the paddle wheel.
Here's the fresh water.
Oh, and hardtack, soup,
soap, and the social register.
Social register?
Well, in case Mr. Howell wants to read.
See ya.
Thanks, girls.
Skipper, do you really
think this contraption is safe?
Sure, if she gets you out on
the shipping lanes before it sinks.
Oh, good. Oh, good before it sinks?
Oh, relax, Mr. Howell.
I guarantee you this pontoon
boat is 100% watertight.
Well, I hope so, because I am not.
You never dress first night out.
Let me get alright, Mr. Howell.
Step up here.
Oh, bon voyage, darling.
And try not to drink any seawater
if you can possibly avoid it.
Oh, and, Mr. Howell, when
you get to the mainland,
don't forget to send back help.
Yes, as soon as I dispose
of the impostor.
Oh, thurston. You look so handsome
and debonair standing there.
I do wish I had some
film for this camera.
I never knew you were so brave.
Something more important
than life itself. Money.
Mr. Howell, if you get into trouble,
just fire this flare pistol.
Thank you. Thank you
very much, professor,
and don't think the whole thing
hasn't been just simply enchanting.
The whole thing.
As we say, "bon voyage!"
Bon voyage!
Bon voyage!
Lovey: Bon voyage, darling.
Bon voyage!
Oh, dear. I think thurston's
trying to tell us something.
Reporter: And now, for the latest news
of thurston ho well III.
The famous capitalist and sportsman
has flown to Hawaii,
and is about to set sail
on a pacific cruise
aboard a chartered yacht,
with an all-girl crew of 49.
49 girls on a yacht, and
I'm playing Santa Claus.
Oh, thurston, not again.
You'll shrink all your clothes.
Oh, the fickleness of fate.
Why couldn't I be the impostor
spending his money?
Oh, never mind, dear.
Everything's going to be alright.
Mrs. Howell? How is he?
All he talks about is losing his money.
I think he's in dire need of a psychiatrist.
Well, I don't profess to be
a psychiatrist, Mrs. Howell,
however, I do hold a
master's degree in psychology.
Oh, I wish you'd speak to him, professor.
After all, money isn't everything,
especially when one has
diamonds and real estate.
Alright.
Professor. 49 girls at $25 an hour.
As a crew. You understand?
$2,000 a day for the yacht,
champagne, caviar, $50 an ounce,
and I don't even like caviar.
Mr. Howell, I can't do
anything about the impostor,
but perhaps I can help you
overcome your obsession with money.
Obsession with money?
What obsession with money?
I'm gonna listen
to the stock market report.
Please. It is my radio.
Mr. Howell, suppose we try
playing a little word game.
I'll give you a word,
and then you give me the word
which immediately comes to your mind.
Alright. I assure you,
I have no obsession
with money, believe me.
Alright. The first word is happy.
Money.
Sad.
Money.
Moon.
Money.
Stars.
Money.
Child.
Tax deduction.
Well, it certainly is a
problem, Mrs. Howell.
Tell me. During the stock market crash,
what did you do to get Mr. Howell's mind
off his money problems?
The crash? Oh, uh, that's when
thurston lost most of his money
and became just a millionaire.
Let me see oh, I remember.
We took his radio away from him.
Reporter: And when asked
what he would do
if his chartered yacht ran out of fuel,
thurston ho well III gaily
replied that would be no problem,
as he's taking along money to burn.
Money to burn?
Shh.
It sure is dark in here.
What did you say?
Gilligan.
Ah! Would you watch
where you're crawling?
Now, be quiet.
Mr. Howell: 49 crew
members $25 a day
Mmm. Yacht $2,000 a day
My money is[Snoring]
Caviar, champagne
[Snoring]
Gilligan, he's got his hands
wrapped around the radio.
Now, I'll raise his hands,
and then you grab it.
Yeah.
Got it! Aah!
What's going on here?
It's the skipper and gilligan.
And they've got my radio.
Well, we couldn't sleep,
so we're going to play
some dance music.
You know, we kind of dance around
Will you stop that, gilligan?
Reporter: We interrupt this program
for a special news report from Hawaii.
Quiet, quiet. It's a news bulletin.
Reporter: News has just been
received on the chartered yacht
of thurston ho well III.
The famous billionaire
has fallen overboard
while drinking champagne
from a crew member's slipper.
Lovey, the impostor has fallen overboard.
I would never drink champagne
from a crew member's slipper. Yuck!
The poor man.
The poor fellow.
Imagine falling overboard
and leaving a crew like that behind.
Isn't that so, Teddy?
Mr. Howell, is that offer
to get you off the island for
a million dollars still good?
No, gilligan. Since there's
no impostor spending my money,
the offer is now one half a million.
Oh. Well, it's a deal anyway.
Well, just exactly what
are you doing, my boy?
Measuring you for a pair of wings.
Measuring me for no, thanks.
I heard about your flight.
These are new, improved wings.
Let's forget it. I like round trips.
It's the only way to fly.
Here's some of that
new palm root wine, dear.
Oh, yes, yes. Uh, thank you.
Mmm. Another vintage year. Good crop.
Oh.
How was the drink, darling?
Uh, excellent.
A good year for palm root.
I brought you some more.
Uh, thank you.
Ooh. Ooh, my head.
How did I get here?
That new wine must have a lot of kick.
Oh, hi, Mr. Howell.
Have you seen any feath
how did you get your clothes all wet?
My clothes all wet?
How did I get these clothes?
What a chaser. Haven't felt like this
since new year's Eve.
Hi, Mr. Howell.
Hi, son.
I say, old man, you're
you're lying on my chaise,
and I'm, uh
I beg your pardon,
Mr. Howell Mr. Howell?!
The impostor! I found
the aah! Impostor!
Aah! Impostor! Lovey! Lovey!
What did you say, thurston?
The impostor! He's
over there! Follow me!
Hoax! Hoax! Like I said,
here here he is. Here
he is. The impostor.
I'm not the impostor.
You're the impostor.
Skipper, there's 2 Mr. Howells.
No, gilligan. There's only one.
This fellow's obviously a blatant phoney.
Lovey, tell him who's the
real thurston ho well III.
Oh, dear. I I really don't know.
Well, you don't know?
What about the mole?
Yes. Thurston has the cutest little mole
on his right elbow.
Well?
Oh.
Oh, thurston. It's you.
Of course.
One minute, please.
Just take a look at at this.
Look. He's got the same kind of a mole.
I have a mole myself, but
I can't show it to anybody.
Why not?
Quiet, gilligan.
Lovey, don't you recognize
your own husband?
Well, I recognize his clothes on that one.
Yep. That's Mr. Howell, alright.
Well, don't you see that this scoundrel
swam ashore, rapped me in the head,
dragged me in the jungle,
and changed clothes with me?
Fantastic story.
Oh, I don't know what to think.
Maybe you have to keep them both.
No, you won't have to keep them both.
I'm going to ask some pointed questions
which will prove conclusively
which is the real Mr. Howell.
Alright. Fire when ready.
Alright. Now, uh, what is
your favorite reading material?
The social registry. You might
even say it's our family Bible.
Yep, that's Mr. Howell, alright.
Alright, now, now, try this one.
This one is, uh uh, tell me,
what is your favorite exclusive club?
New York stock exchange.
Yep. That's Mr. Howell, alright.
Very, very cunning.
Now, if you had to give up
everything in the world,
except your money or your wife,
which one would you keep?
My money, of course.
That's Mr. Howell, alright.
Oh, thurston, it is you.
No, it's not me. I mean,
I'm not him. I'm me.
Oh. Special report here on the radio.
Mr. Howell.
Good heavens. Well
There's a special report on the radio
about one of you, anyway.
Reporter: It has just been reported,
from a reliable source,
that the man thought
to be thurston ho well III,
who fell overboard from a
chartered yacht last night,
was, in reality, an impostor.
When his signature was checked
in New York yesterday
with papers signed
several years ago [Turns off radio]
His signature. Of course. Now, my
there he goes. He's gone!
Impostor! Impostor! Come back here!
Oh, let him go, thurston.
What's the difference?
That's right, Mr. Howell.
What's the difference?
He can't spend any more
of your money anyway,
even if he is rescued.
Well, he can't, can he?!
He's wearing my pants
and my wallet's in the back pocket!
Reporter: And there is
nothing further to report
on the curious rescue
at sea this afternoon.
The unidentified survivor,
wearing a life preserver
and carrying an empty
champagne bottle,
was plucked from the sea
by a native fishing boat.
No one seems to know who he is
or how he got there
or anything else about him.
Thurston, do you think
that's the impostor?
Well, of course it's the impostor.
How many people are
floating around the pacific ocean
with an empty champagne bottle?
Now he'll send back help.
Oh, never in a million years, gilligan.
No, the skipper's right.
This fellow's wanted by the police.
He has to shut up or
go to jail. That scoundrel.
Though I must say, I admire his
attitude about money. Very healthy.
The resemblance is remarkable.
The guy was the spittin' image.
Oh, how vulgar.
Gilligan, stop that, will you?
What are you doing, gilligan?
I'm just checking for
the mole on his elbow.
You know, if he was the impostor,
he might have painted it on,
and then the real
Mr. Howell would be out
oh, come on, shut up.
Oh, get him out.
Lovey!
Well, thurston, how
am I going to be sure?
No, it's me. I'm me. It's me. Me! Me!
Now this is the tale of our castaways ♪
they're here for a long, long time ♪
they'll have to make the best of things ♪
it's an uphill climb ♪
the first mate and his skipper, too ♪
will do their very best ♪
to make the others comfortable ♪
in their tropic island nest ♪
no phone No lights
no motorcars, not a single luxury ♪
like Robinson crusoe ♪
it's primitive as can be ♪
so join us here each week, my friends ♪
you're sure to get a smile ♪
from 7 stranded castaways ♪
here on gilligan's isle ♪