The Suite Life on Deck (2008) s02e26 Episode Script

( Theme music playing ) Hey there, my friend.
So what's on the menu? ( Squawks ) Apparently a seagull.
Does that come with a salad? ( Squawks ) Hey there, little fella.
You want a grape? - ( Squawks ) - Zack: Eh, I don't blame you.
Here, have some fries.
Halt in the name of nature! Feeding that bird human food is dangerous to its delicate digestive system.
( Chirps ) He's grateful.
He's even calling my name.
Co-dy! Co-dy! It sounded more like "dor-ky! Dor-ky!" Boys, I would like to show you something you have never seen before.
You on a date? ( Snickers ) Better.
I'm talking about this bouquet of extremely rare centennial tulips.
They only bloom once every 100 years.
Wow.
You have achieved new levels of lameosity.
- ( Buzzing ) - Get away, bee! Get away, get away! Ahhh! Get-- get-- oooh! Get-- get-- ( shrieks ) ( Sobbing ) My bouquet! They won't bloom again for another 100 years.
Ah, at least I still have you.
- ( Buzzing ) - Boo! ( Whimpers ) Wait wait wait.
Mr.
moseby, don't move! ( Yelps ) Was it on my head? No.
Oh ay oh, oh ay oh come along with me and let's head out to see what this world has for you and for me now whichever way the wind blows - we say - hey-ho, let's go! - oh ay oh - this boat's rocking - oh ay oh - ain't no stopping us now 'cause we're living the suite life - oh ay oh - this boat's rocking - oh ay oh - rocking the whole world round and we're living the suite life now hey ho! Oh ay oh let's go! Hey, London, want to join me for lunch? I'm having carrot shavings and watercress on svelte bread.
Your mouth says "ugh!" But your large intestine says, "thank you for taking care of me.
" And your small intestine says, "me too!" Huh? Sorry, couldn't hear you over that loud outfit.
It's cheerful! And it happens to complement my complexion.
You know what would complement your complexion even more? A paper bag over your head! ( Laughs ) London! Listen to yourself.
You know, I bet you couldn't even be nice to me for one week.
Oh ho, care to put your money where your overly-toothy mouth is? - Sure.
- How about a million dollars? I don't have a million dollars.
So you'll just Be my maid until you work it off.
Okay, so minimum wage, no vacations, apron rental Ah, you'll figure it out when you start working for me.
So is it a bet, corn coblet? You're on, diamond dunce.
I'm about to become a millionaire.
Ugh! Ever think about shaving them knuckles? - Ah ah ah! - Oh oh, we haven't started yet.
Okay, starting Sparkly London.
Oh, sorry.
Starting now.
Hey, Cody, can I borrow a towel? I want to act like I was at the gym.
It impresses the ladies.
Are you gonna stuff them in your shirt and pretend you've got pecs? Ewww! Never mind.
Why is there bird poop all over my towels and nothing else? ( Piercing caw ) I thought we were friends.
( Caws ) ( Cawing ) Hey, what's your problem, man?! ( Caws ) Let the tension flow out of your body like squirrel juice out of a squirrel that was hit by a snowplow, driven by another squirrel.
Ahh-hhh.
Uh, whatcha doing? I'm in the middle of a session.
I'm helping Mr.
moseby overcome one of his fears.
Is it a fear of being alone in a room with you? Because there's a group for that.
No.
This is a honey mask.
I'm using it to desensitize Mr.
moseby to his fear of-- ( whines ) No no, don't say it.
Own your fear.
Tell London what happened.
Ever since I got stung by that-- that you-know-what-- no, what? The letter between "a" and "c.
" Five? No.
Bumble Gum! No! It rhymes with "knee.
" Foot! You know I'm charging by the hour? Oh, I know.
- It's bee! Bee! - Argh, where, where?! ( Shrieking ) ( Water splashes ) Good thing you're afraid of bees and not sharks! Okay, same time tomorrow! Maybe.
So okaley-dokaley, what can I do for you? Bailey said I couldn't go a week without insulting her.
But I have to insult someone so I'm looking for Ms.
tutweiler.
I hope she's wearing that hideous headband.
( Cackles ) Maybe I can help you with your insulting-people problem.
Ooh, thanks! Well, your breath smells, you're knock-kneed and your hair looks like a sleeping gopher.
All true.
But I meant I could help you therapeutically, maybe a little aversion therapy.
I don't know what that is, but will it make me run out of here screaming? Possibly.
I'll condition you with a negative experience every time you insult someone.
First I need to know what you hate.
Oh, your breath, your knees, your gopher hair-- wait, haven't we gone over this? I meant something that makes you physically uncomfortable.
How do you feel about being tickled? Oooh, I hate it! It makes me all out of breath and I turn an ugly shade of red.
And bingo was his name-o! This'll give me a chance to try out my latest therapeutic tool.
Uh-oh.
This is my tickle machine.
You wear it and whenever I see you having the urge to insult someone I can turn it on with this remote, like so.
- ( Whirring ) - ( Laughing ) Ooh, stop it! ( Laughter continues ) See? Is that really gonna help me? Oh, it helped me.
It completely cured me of my urge to smell rabbits.
I'm down to one rabbit a day now.
Good for you and Rabbits everywhere! ( Sniffs ) Ahhh.
See? I have no desire to smell again.
( Sniffing ) Cody? Mmm, sunflower seeds.
( Alarm blaring ) - ( Screams ) - Aaah, Cody, Cody! What are you doing? It's me-- Zack.
Oww! - I know.
- Then why are you hitting me? Because it took me two hours to set up that trap.
I'm trying to catch that stupid bird before he attacks again! Dude, you're being ridiculous.
This bird is not out to get you.
Oh yeah? When I came back from class my biology homework was shredded.
Big deal.
Tutweiler does that to all my homework.
But the textbook was left open to this page! - That's just a coincidence.
- Oh yeah? Look how he scratched my face out of this photograph.
Actually I did that.
Oh, will you take that off?! I need to reset it.
Dude, you're just being paranoid.
It's not paranoid if an evil, psychotic devil bird is trying to peck out your eyes and bring them back to its nest in a charred tree on the banks of the river styx! Okay.
I'm just gonna back slowly out of the room, but I wanna say one last time before I go, there is no evil bird stalking you.
( Caws ) ( Screams ) Now, London, any time I see you being mean to someone, I simply press this button and tickle the meanness right out of you.
Would it be mean if I told you you had enough wax in your ear to start a candle factory? - ( Whirring ) - ( Laughing ) - Stop! I can't stand it.
- ( Clicks ) That was horrible! That's the point.
Boink.
Now just go live your life.
Whoa, London-- your vest is molting.
Who asked you, juice monkey? ( Gasping ) - ( Liquid splashes ) - ( Laughing ) I wasn't Being mean.
Sorry, I spilled my drink all over the remote.
It's gone all whackadoo.
London! What are you doing? Does anybody else hear a buzzing sound? - Oh, it's just the-- - the bees! The bees are swarming! ( Shrieking ) I love my job.
Come on, come on.
- ( Caws ) - ( Screams ) Dude, you need to relax.
I can't believe you're actually scared of this stupid bird.
Shh, keep your voice down.
- He might hear us.
- ( Elevator dings ) - ( Sighs in relief ) - ( Gull caws ) ( Screams ) ( Screaming, cawing ) - ( Elevator dings ) - ( Screaming ) ( Squawks ) I'll wait for the next one.
All righty, due to our little malfunction, you got seven years of therapy in 20 minutes.
No need to thank me.
Thank you? I'd rather turn your nostrils upside down so you'll drown when it rains! We'll work on your anger issues later.
- ( Sighs ) - The point is you are now ready to converse with Bailey without insulting her.
- And win your bet.
- Are you sure? I'd stake my professional reputation on it.
Professional reputation? Your diploma's handwritten on the back of a zippy burger menu.
I also won enough skeeball tickets to get this nifty ring.
Plus it's a compass and a whistle! ( Whistles ) London's been ignoring me, but the second she sees me the insults will start and I'll be rich.
- What are you gonna buy first with the million dollars? - A new tractor for my family.
Finally we'll show those snooty bucklers with their fancy-schmancy backhoe and stupid horn-- soowee! Soowee! ( Laughs ) You know, the more I hear about kettlecorn the less I want to visit.
Hello, Bailey.
Hi, London.
What do you think of my new backpack? I think I named it porkers, Jr.
Well, now that you mention it-- ( Laughing ) I think it's Adorable! Y-you do? Uh-oh.
Uh Listen, London, when we made that bet, I was just joking.
Whoo, funny! Gee, it didn't sound like you were joking when I recorded it.
So is it a bet, corn coblet? You're on, diamond dunce.
You record all of your conversations? You record all of your conversations? I'll go pick out your maid's outfit.
( Screaming ) Cody, something terrible's happened.
You're telling me! I'm being hunted by a winged demon.
If I lose this bet, I'll be an indentured servant to a blinged demon.
- What am I gonna do?! - Okay, first of all let go of my clavicle.
Second, in moments of crisis, it's important - to keep your head clear-- ( Screams ) - ( Caws ) Take her, take her! Her family raises chickens to slaughter.
Bird killer! Bird killer! Bird killer! ( Sobbing ) Thanks for the support.
Boy howdy, London! Hello.
What'd y'all think of my new fancy duds? Oooh! You look-- fully good.
I love your Designer feet.
Wearing shoes is so last season.
Well, I guess I'll just munch on this corn o'cob with my big ole beaver teeth.
Mmm, that looks Scrum-diddly-icious.
You'll have to give me the recipe.
( Chuckles, cries ) Well, I sure do hope I don't get any on my best bib and Tucker.
These here coveralls was handed down to me from my grandpappy's scarecrow Bailey.
Don't you see the resemblance? No.
- ( Squawks ) - Marcus: I can't believe we're helping Cody try and catch this stupid bird.
Do you really think it's after him? Aw, who cares? All I know is that he's been too preoccupied to do my homework.
And I can't afford to flunk Whatever grade I'm in.
Viper to base, is the target still in the capture zone? Yup, the birdie's still in his little nest.
Roger that.
I'm going up.
Cody, why are you walking up the side of the boat? Why are you wearing a Lacy shower cap? Carry on.
( Buzzing ) - Is that a bee? - Bee? No.
No no, we've left port.
There are no bees at sea.
Affirmative, but there is "can-o-bees" available online.
Order two and you get a free bag of wasps.
( Buzzing loudly ) - Oh! Hey hey! - Hey, man! Well done, my little striped compadres! What? ( Pants ) Viper to base, what do you see? I just see my idiot brother crawling up the side of the boat.
( Pecking ) Marcus, quit moving the rope.
I'm not moving it.
- Uh-oh.
- ( Squawks ) Abort abort abort! Zack: Hey, now that you're down here can you get started on my French paper? Cupcakes.
Homemade cupcakes for sale.
Made with love Now filled with hate.
Hey, a bake sale.
I'll take one, Bailey.
Oh, thanks, Marcus.
- That'll be $100,000.
- ( Coughs ) What?! For that much, I'm gonna need a lot more sprinkles.
Look, Marcus.
I only have three days to raise a million dollars.
You bite it, you bought it.
( Squawking ) Aha! - Wow, Bailey, I love your pants.
- I hate you.
Okay, I lost the bet.
- What do you want me to clean first? - Hmm.
Oh! The volcano on my island just erupted and that stupid lava's everywhere.
I can't clean boiling magma.
What is that, a union thing? London, isn't there anything else I can do to pay off this bet? Hmm, let's see.
Oh! I know! How about you let me insult you again? - I really miss that.
- Okay.
A million dollars at $1 an insult is ( Chuckles ) Nice try.
It's a million insults.
Now you're good at math.
- Okay, ready? - Ready.
Your forehead is so big, they could show movies on it.
Oh.
Wow.
It almost looks as if it's painful for you to insult me.
It is, but it's worth it, you bow-legged bumpkin.
Oh.
- But, London-- - oh, can it, you buck-toothed hillbilly.
( Whistling ) ( Sighs ) Nervous, huh? You should be.
Any last requests, my fine-feathered friend? - ( Squawks ) - ( Chuckles ) - ( Cooing ) - Oh, so now you're being nice? Well, it's a little late for that, huh? That's not going to work No matter how incredibly cute that is.
- ( Cooing continues ) - And it really is.
Ohh.
- You're just a little lonely.
- ( Gulls squawking ) Were you looking for someone to play with? Hey, there are a bunch of your birdie buddies.
Now you won't have to be so lonely.
You can finally be with others of your own kind, like I was at chemistry camp.
Good talk.
Now go.
Be free, my friend.
( Gulls squawking loudly ) ( Screaming ) You're so hideous, for Halloween you went as yourself! And finally, you're so ugly you have to sneak up on your mirror.
Done.
Oh.
Oh.
Congratulations.
Wow, this was harder on you than it was on me.
- Are you sure you're okay? - I think so.
Thanks for caring, Bailey.
You're a true friend.
Wow.
London actually being nice to Bailey.
Oh, right, your bet.
Actually, the bet's over.
London was genuinely being nice.
Huh.
I guess I was.
Mr.
blanket broke me! Or he helped you.
You've got to hand it to Mr.
blanket.
He might be a little bit nutty, but he does know how to help people.
- Hmm.
True.
- Surprise! - ( Buzzes ) - ( Grunts ) Take that, bee! Feel my sting! Ow ow ow ow! Ow! Ow! Oh! I faced a giant bee and I won! I'm not afraid anymore! I'm cured! ( Laughs ) ( Pants ) The blanket method always works! Could someone get me a rabbit?