Gilligan's Island (1964) s02e30 Episode Script

1
Just sit right back,
and you'll hear a tale ♪
a tale of a fateful trip ♪
that started from this tropic port ♪
aboard this tiny ship ♪
the mate was a mighty sailin' man ♪
the skipper brave and sure ♪
5 passengers set sail that day
for a 3-hour tour ♪
a 3-hour tour ♪
[thunder]
The weather started getting rough ♪
the tiny ship was tossed ♪
if not for the courage
of the fearless crew ♪
the minnow would be lost,
the minnow would be lost ♪
the ship's aground
on the shore of this ♪
uncharted desert isle ♪
with gilligan ♪
the skipper, too ♪
the millionaire and his wife ♪
the movie star ♪
the professor and Mary Ann ♪
here on gilligan's isle ♪
Please, ginger. Now,
not too much off the top.
Just a little bit more, skipper.
Well, I believe you're part Indian.
You're trying to scalp me.
Well, you're a sailor.
And sailors should have crew cuts.
Well, I don't mind a crew cut, but
You're trying to remove the entire crew.
All finished.
Got time for me, Sam?
Uh, tomorrow morning at 11:00.
Thanks. Sam?
Oh! That's the name
of his barber back home.
Oh, gilligan, don't put that there.
Somebody'll trip over it.
Sorry, baldy.
Baldy!
Oh, very funny.
You're right. Somebody tripped over it.
I'll get it for you, skipper.
Anything else you want me to do?
Uh, y-yes, gilligan. Go out
and get some more firewood.
Okay.
Ah! That's just what I was looking for.
Thanks.
Cough.
Well, your heart seems sound enough.
Perhaps it's your blood pressure.
Any luck, professor?
Well, at least I know
it's not his heart or his lungs.
I think it's his haircut.
Oh, don't pay any
attention to him, professor.
Skipper, this is my hair tonic.
Rub it in your hair 3 times a day.
When your hair gets real long, you see
thanks a lot, gilligan, but no thanks.
Skipper, your blood pressure is very high.
Well, no wonder, with him around here.
Gilligan, perhaps you'd better leave.
No. I want to stay and watch.
Well, I'm going to make
a blood test and, uh..
The sight of blood
won't disturb you, will it?
Are you kidding? Think I'm chicken?
Here, skipper. Give me your arm.
Oh!
[Clucking like a chicken]
Professor: Skipper.
Skipper, I got the results of the tests.
And?
Well, I'm afraid it's worse than I thought.
Tell me the worst.
Well, the lack of citrus fruits in our diet
has caused a severe vitamin deficiency.
Vitamin c is completely lacking.
Well, fortunately we howells
never use the stuff.
We depend on bottled in-bond
for our strength.
Mr. Howell, this applies to
each and every one of us.
However, the skipper being the largest
you mean the fattest.
I know what he means, ho well.
Gentlemen, gentlemen,
there is no time for that.
Now, without citrus fruits,
this vitamin deficiency
will attack each of us.
Even a ho well? Yes, even a ho well.
It will attack each of us in
turn according to his size.
Good heavens! That means I'm the next.
Myself, and then gilligan.
W-W-What about the girls?
Will it affect them?
Yes. Mrs. Howell, and ginger,
and then finally Mary Ann.
But don't panic, gentlemen.
We're not dead yet.
Well, maybe not, but we're
definitely headed in that direction.
Hi, girls.
Hi, gilligan. We're trying out
one of our new dishes.
Do you want a bite?
Oh, no. Not for me. Nothing. No siree.
I don't believe it.
The world's coming to an end.
How did you find out?
How did we find out what?
About our world coming to an end.
With no vitamins on
account of the citrus fruits,
which we don't have any of.
Gilligan, are you trying
to tell us something?
Not me. I promised professor
I wouldn't say a word.
Besides, if I told you we were dying,
it would probably ruin your appetite.
We're all what?
Dying because we have no vitamins.
W-W-Well, when's it going to happen?
Not for weeks. 2 or 3 at least.
You mean we've only got
2 or 3 weeks left to live?
Well, she's probably got 3 weeks,
and you probably have 2.
You see, the more you
weigh, the faster you go.
Told you you'd lose your appetites.
Not doing very much for mine, either.
Gilligan, I've made a decision.
About what?
About the way I've been acting.
I mean, after all, I am the
captain. I'm the skipper.
I should be setting an example
for the others.
What're you gonna to do?
What am I going to do?
I'll tell you what I'm gonna do.
Gilligan, I'm going to put up a front.
I'm going to be cheerful.
I'm going to show them that a real man
doesn't let a little thing
like this bother him.
And, oh, little buddy,
you're gonna be real proud of me and
that's an orange.
I know. I was going to have it for dessert,
but I changed my mind.
The less I weigh, the longer I live.
Gilligan, do you realize
that you have my life
in the palm of you hand? My life!
No, I don't. I have an orange.
Gilligan, where did you get it? Where?!
In the jungle. In the jungle.
[Shouting] Everybody!
Oranges in the jungle!
Where in the jungle?
Well, it's not too far. Show me!
Well, this is the last one.
The last one? Oh, no.
Oranges! Oranges!
Did someone say oranges?
Oranges? Oranges?
I didn't hear anybody
say anything about oranges.
I distinctly heard someone say
there were oranges in the jungle.
So did I.
But this is the last one.
Mine, mine, all mine!
What do you want with a tennis ball?
Now, that was pretty sneaky.
How about you sneaking up
behind me to steal the orange?
Well, that was right in character.
Mr. Howell, you got to understand
I only have one orange,
and all my friends need it.
I know, I know, but can they afford it?
It's not for sale.
Wait a minute, gilligan. It's not for me.
You see, it's for my wife, a loyal woman,
very much like your own mother.
Oh. I thought you were being selfish.
Now, you see, you misjudged me.
Now, you will give that orange
to Mrs. Howell, won't you?
And she'll give it right back to you.
Of course
gilligan, you've outwitted a ho well!
[Crying]
Hey, ginger, what's wrong?
Nothing.
Why are you crying?
Crying?
Me crying?
Is there anything I can do?
I'm glad you asked.
I think I'm sorry I asked.
Oh, gilligan, you'd cry, too,
if you were in my condition.
You bet. Me being in your
condition and being a boy?
That's not what I meant.
Ginger, don't ask me for my orange.
Okay, I won't.
You won't?
No. But you'll give it to me anyway.
Why?
Because.
Because why?
Oh, gilligan
[Cries]
I've decided to give everyone a slice.
Gilligan, king Solomon
couldn't have done better.
It's the only fair thing
you can do, little buddy.
I think someone ought to say something.
After all, it is a special occasion.
Thurston's awfully
good at that sort of thing.
Say something appropriate, dear.
Anyone care to sell his slice?
Mr. Howell!
Professor: While it is
a noble gesture, gilligan,
unfortunately, a single slice
won't do us any good.
Well, I think we ought to vote it
to the person who needs it the most: Me.
Skipper, I wanted to share the orange.
But I'm your buddy!
Well, you may be his buddy,
but I'm a very rich millionaire.
Now, just a moment.
Let's try to be sensible about this.
I mean, after all, there's a
logical answer to every problem.
Oh. Well, the logical thing
is to give me the orange.
I do so much charity work.
B-But I'm the one that's sick right now.
But it's ladies first, skipper.
It's women and children first.
Therefore, I get 2 votes.
Can I say something?
Uh, gilligan, keep quiet, will you?
Can't you see we're very busy?
Please, please, please.
Now, let's remember that
even though this is a crisis,
we'll all friends.
I'm sure that each of us
has reasons for believing
we deserve the orange.
Mary Ann: I'm a member of the 4-h club.
Skipper: Well, I'm a veteran.
Ginger: Well, I'm a movie star.
I'm a member of the d.A.R.
I'm thurston ho well III.
Anyone care to top that?
Can I say something now?
What is it, gilligan?
I know how to stop all the arguing.
And would you mind telling us how?
Look.
Well, we have no one
to blame but ourselves.
Our dissension has led us
over the precipice to destruction.
Our greed has pushed us
to the brink of disaster.
Not only that. The sun
shrunk up the orange.
Gilligan, he just said that.
Not as plain as me.
Oh, to think I'll never see Kansas again.
Or California or north
Dakota or north Nebraska
or south Carolina
or Oklahoma or Texas
cut that out, gilligan.
Oh, I can't believe it.
Do I look like I have a vitamin deficiency?
Ginger, you don't look
like you have a deficiency of anything.
Thank you, professor.
But you do. We all do.
An orange! An orange!
My kingdom for an orange!
Your kingdom? Oh, really, thurston!
Would you believe half of my kingdom?
A third of my kingdom?
A little quarter of my kingdom, maybe?
Mr. Howell, we're in real trouble
with this orange dried up like that.
I might as well give it a decent burial.
Gilligan that's it! A burial!
I'm not even sick yet!
Oh, not you. The seeds!
We'll plant the seeds and
grow our own orange trees.
What a wonderful idea!
And then we'll have plenty of oranges!
Why didn't we think of that before?
Everything grows from seeds!
Not everything.
Yes, gilligan, everything!
Orange trees grow from orange seeds,
apple trees grow from apple seeds,
and watermelons grow
from watermelon seeds.
Yeah, but birds don't
grow from bird seeds.
Lovely. Lovely, my dear.
Aren't they just beautiful?
You must be seeing
something I don't see.
No. I see thousands of orange trees
springing out of the ground.
Well, all I see are a lot of nasty pits.
No. Look beyond the
horizon, beyond tomorrow.
I see valencia oranges,
mandarin oranges, navel oranges.
We'll be up to our navel in navels.
All those from these?
Well, it's not quite that easy.
First of all, we have to plant them.
Plant them? In the dirt?
With our hands?
I believe that's the usual way.
Oh, dear. Then it's not for us.
Hey, come on. Everybody's
planting their seeds.
Yes. Unless we cooperate,
we'll go to that great
orange grove in the sky.
But when we go, thurston,
we go with clean hands.
Oh, let's face it, Mary Ann.
I don't know what to do with this.
Well, in Kansas we plant wheat,
not citrus fruit.
All I know about
oranges is that in Florida,
people grow them to
send to people in California,
who grow them to
send to people in Florida.
Well, when in doubt,
use the farmer's formula.
One part sunshine, 2 parts water,
and 3 parts prayer.
"The scientific approach to
the rapid growth of citrus fruits
"is assured with the proper
amounts of vitamin d,
"aqua natural is,
"and fertilizer containing sodium chloride,
"nitrate of potassium, and calcium.
"If this doesn't achieve results,
"try one part sunshine, 2 parts water,
and 3 parts prayer."
Gilligan, what are you doing?
Skipper, I got to make sure
I plant the seed in the right place.
Nope. Still in the shade.
Gilligan, that's not shade.
That's your shadow!
Hey, you're right!
Now, here. Plant that.
Okay.
Well?
Well, what?
Well, when's the
orange tree gonna grow?
I'll take over for you now, professor.
Oh, this is the coldest
night I can remember.
Now, those tiki torches must be kept lit.
Right.
Those orange seeds must be kept warm.
Yes, sir.
If those seeds die
are you trying to tell me something?
Gilligan, if those seeds die, we die.
That's what I was afraid
you were trying to tell me.
You stay awake.
Yeah.
2:00 and all's well!
What was that?
Only gilligan.
Gilligan: 2:01 and all's well!
If he crows when the sun comes up,
so help me, I'll kill him!
Teddy.
2:58 o'clock! And all's well.
Does he have to do that?
What time is it?
Cuckoo! Cuckoo! Cuckoo!
3:00, according to the kook.
Professor: Now, those
tiki torches must be kept lit.
Those orange seeds must be kept warm.
Keep warm
Gilligan, if those seeds die, we die.
Die
Die die
Now, you stay awake.
[Gilligan snoring]
If those seeds die, we die.
[Snoring]
Gilligan! Gilligan!
Gill oh, there you are.
How can you sleep when
you know the cupboard is bare,
and the wolf is at the door?
Wolf?! Where? Where?
At the door. Where is
your courage, my son?
I'm sorry, mother, but lack of vitamins
has made me sleepy, tired,
discouraged, and cowardly.
Well, there's only one cure for
your ailment, my son oranges.
Oh, if we only had some.
Mother, what are you
doing with your Jewel box?
I have made a decision.
Take these emeralds, these
diamonds, these rubies to the market
and trade them in
for half a dozen oranges.
And don't talk to strangers.
Oh, yes, noble mother,
who's sacrificing her jewels.
You can trust your trustworthy son.
I'll bet.
Hold it there, tall, dark, and emaciated.
Where are you going on this
bright and cheery morning?
I'm going to the market to trade this chest of
rubies, diamonds, and emeralds for oranges.
Rubies, diamonds, and emeralds?
By George, you're right.
Gotta get dark glasses.
But my mother said
I can't talk to strangers.
Always listen to your mother, son.
A boy's best friend is his
mother I had one once.
I must remember that.
Yes, you must remember.
Incidentally, my name is
Lester j. Frothingham III.
I can't talk to strangers.
Ever know a stranger named
Lester j. Frothingham III?
No, sir. Then we must be friends.
Kinda follows, doesn't it? I guess so.
Here, let me hold this little
oh, no. I've gotta trade
this chest for oranges.
I'll tell ya what I'm gonna do, son.
I'm gonna trade this box of paltry baubles
for some of these magic beans.
Magic beans not so loud, son!
A crowd might collect.
Real magic beans?
Real magic? So magic, that
you won't have one orange,
not a dozen oranges, but a
whole, a veritable orange grove.
Oh, sir, you are the kindest, friendliest
man I ever met in my whole life.
Then it's a trade, huh? Yes, sir.
Here you are.
Run along, son. You bother me.
You bother me hold it, boy!
Do you have a brother? No, sir.
Too bad. I like doing
business with your family.
Beans? But I asked you for oranges.
But, mother, the man
said they're not ordinary
I'm going to show you
something, gilligan.
Now look at this
baked beans, brown beans, soybeans,
Lima beans, string beans, green beans,
and I hate beans!
Besides, I asked you for oranges,
you silly, ridiculous, idiotic boy.
Sometimes I get the feeling
she's disappointed in me.
[Doorbell chimes a funeral march]
You must go away.
This is the castle of the
mean and cruel giant.
You think I'm afraid
of a mean and cruel giant?
Aren't you?
I don't even care how big he is.
Uh how big is he?
Oh, he's about
Oh, sorry I asked.
How come the giant's
so mean and cruel?
He's an orange miser.
He has a whole treasure
room full of oranges.
Oh, I must get some for my mother.
That would make me
proud and pleased and happy.
And dead if the giant catches you.
How big did you say that giant was?
[Groans]
My goodness! Where did
he get all these oranges?
From her.
[Quacking]
That's the goose that
lays the golden oranges.
Oh, if I could get ahold of that goose,
she would forgive me everything.
Don't be silly. If you steal that
goose, you'll be a dead duck.
Come on. Now run, before it's too late.
Giant: Fee fie to fum!
Oh, it's too late! Where can I hide?
Behind the chair. No, no, no! No, no, no!
Hide behind there. Okay.
[Shuddering]
[Giant footsteps]
Well, now, my pretty,
what's going on in here?
Not a thing, mean and cruel
master. It's been very quiet.
Well I smell something,
and it's not oranges.
Fee fie to fum!
I don't smell any fee, fie, to, or fum.
Well, I do, and it's coming
from over there.
Aha! There you are!
Come out from behind there!
[Roaring]
What was that?
A dragon! I must slay him
before he tries to steal all my oranges.
I'll be back to deal with you later.
[Dragon roars]
Come on. We'll grab the goose and go.
Alright.
[Quacking]
Woman: Help! Help!
What was that?
Oh, nothing just an old lady
the giant has locked in his dungeon.
Please, rescue me!
Come on! Hurry!
No. First I must rescue
the old lady in the dungeon.
You heroes are all alike.
[Yelling and banging on door]
Help me.
Young man, we've been locked
up in that tiny dungeon for 30 years!
Look, we don't have time to
discuss a housing problem.
How can we ever thank you?
Look, we gotta run, fast. That
giant'll be back any second.
Oh, come on. Hurry.
Oh, first, I must reward my rescuer.
Look, lady, we don't have time.
Oh, I know. I know!
I will thank you with a kiss.
A kiss?
I knew that would grab you.
Can't we just shake hands?
A kiss.
[Groans] This hero business
isn't what it's cracked up to be.
[Sighs] Go ahead. Get it over with.
Oh, boy.
My! You're beautiful.
Especially for an old hag.
It was your kiss that did it.
I'm really a Princess.
And I'm really a prince.
And I could use a kiss to
turn me back into a prince.
Forget it, buster. I'm not gonna kiss you!
Oh, it's not you that could turn him back.
It's her.
Oh. The giant's beginning to look
better and better every minute.
That bad, eh?
Come on. I've got to get
this goose back to my mother.
I'd rather kiss the goose. Here goes.
Oh, you're not a prince!
No, I'm not, am I?
Well, don't believe
everything ya hear, girlie!
[Cackling]
Giant: Fee fie to fum!
Here comes the old
fee-fie-to-fummer again!
Oh, I know a shortcut! Follow me.
[Giant footsteps]
Aha!
Trying to steal my goose, eh?
Aha! Aha! Lemme go.
Lemme go. Lemme go. Lemme go.
Gilligan, wake up.
No, no! Lemme go!
Will you stop that? It's just me, gilligan.
Did I fall asleep?
That's not important.
It's not important?!
If the tiki torches went
they went out, skipper! That
means we're gonna die! Skipper, look!
Look at those grapefruits!
The professor found
some grapefruit trees!
Yes! And lemon trees, too!
I know all about them!
You mean, you knew
there were citrus fruits?
No, not citrus fruits,
just grapefruits and lemons.
Oh, gilligan, those are citrus fruits.
My goodness!
If he only knew where I could get
my hands on a 2-inch t-bone steak!
I know!
You do?! Where?! Back there on Hawaii!
You know, where we used to
park the minnow. Right there.
Bring it in there,
in the little rest aurant?
Thank you, professor!
Gilligan, your timing is wrong.
You just don't want me to
go into business for myself.
It's not that at all.
But, gilligan, you've
been out here for 5 hours.
And what have you made? Nothing.
Exactly. Now come on. Let's go fishing.
Okay, but it sure would have
been a swell business yesterday.
Alright. Come on.
They're here for a long, long time ♪
they'll have to make the best of things ♪
it's an uphill climb ♪
the first mate and his skipper, too ♪
will do their very best ♪
to make the others comfortable ♪
in their tropic island nest ♪
no phone, no light ♪
no motor cars, not a single luxury ♪
like Robinson crusoe ♪
it's primitive as can be ♪
so join us here each week, my friends ♪
you're sure to get a smile ♪
from 7 stranded castaways ♪
here on gilligan's isle ♪