Gilligan's Island (1964) s02e31 Episode Script

1
Just sit right back,
and you'll hear a tale ♪
a tale of a fateful trip ♪
that started from this tropic port ♪
aboard this tiny ship ♪
the mate was a mighty sailin' man ♪
the skipper brave and sure ♪
5 passengers set sail that day
for a 3-hour tour ♪
a 3-hour tour ♪
[thunder]
The weather started getting rough ♪
the tiny ship was tossed ♪
if not for the courage
of the fearless crew ♪
the minnow would be lost,
the minnow would be lost ♪
the ship's aground
on the shore of this ♪
uncharted desert isle ♪
with gilligan ♪
the skipper, too ♪
the millionaire and his wife ♪
the movie star ♪
the professor, and Mary Ann ♪
here on gilligan's isle ♪
More tea, my dear?
A dram, thank you.
Yes. Uh, boy?
You want some tea, Mr. Howell?
Oh, a capital suggestion!
It's so good! Yes, thank you.
This sort of training will come in
handy when you're married, gilligan.
I don't know about getting
married, Mrs. Howell.
I'm kind of scared of girls.
Oh, don't be silly!
Being married is the only way to live!
Happiness is 2 people
living in wedded bliss.
Thinking the same thoughts.
Liking the same things.
Ah! Togetherness all the way!
Well, I guess getting married
is okay for married people,
but I'm single people.
Radio: Now for that
delightful part of the show
known as "oddities in the news."
Oh, this is my favorite program,
next to the stock market report.
Radio: It all happened in that
staid town of Boston, Massachusetts.
The reverend Buckley Norris,
the Buckley Norris who
marries only the cream of society,
is not a reverend at all.
He has been exposed as a fraud.
[Chokes]
Stop pummeling me!
It's very, very important!
Radio: Not one of those
very rich couples he married
is legally married at all.
So, here's your chance, girls,
to see if you can teach
an old dog new tricks.
Egad, lovey!
That was the man who married us!
Thurston, we're not married!
Oh! You mean after all
after all these years!
Single people shouldn't
hold hands in public.
It's not polite.
[Weeps]
Oh! Ah! Eee!
[Both wail]
Now, let me get this straight.
You heard on the radio that
the howells really aren't married?
The howells aren't what?
Well, as we say in Latin,
unicus masotatus.
Yeah, what a mess.
That means "what a mess."
Fact is that we're no longer Mr. and Mrs.
Yes, but we'll be married at once.
It'll be the first course of business
just as soon as we're rescued.
And when will that be?
That will be Any day now.
Week?
Month?
Year?
Exactly!
And in the meantime, thurston
If I may be so forward
Forward? Lovey, you've
been calling me thurston
since the day we were married.
And even a week before that.
Yes, and now we're not married.
And until we are, I intend to
be treated as a single lady.
Well, anything that you say, my dear.
Well, I'm sure you can find
a comfortable hut elsewhere.
Me? Move out?
Well, naturally.
I know, but this hut is so cozy!
Couldn't we just
paint a line down the middle?
Hang a blanket?
Build a wall?
It wouldn't be proper.
Alright, alright. Then, I'll move out.
After.
After what?
After we've divided our possessions.
But, lovey, be sensible, my dear!
Just exactly what would I
do with half a mink coat?
Oh, well, naturally, we'll each
keep our own personal effects.
You don't know what a
narrow escape you just had!
Now, we'll start right here.
No, no, no! Not there, lovey!
Here and now!
Ooh, you know how to hurt a guy!
There's only one thing to do: Marry them.
Oh, no! I'm not marrying
either one of them!
Gilligan, I meant remarry
them to each other
like they used to be. How?
Well, um, I was in this movie once,
and there was this
couple on this big boat,
and the captain of
the boat married them.
It's too bad we don't
have a captain of a boat.
Gilligan, what is it you
think I look like? A mermaid?
No, skipper, mermaid's got a long tail
oh, yeah, you're the
captain of the minnow.
Exactly.
Ginger, I shall reunite this couple myself.
Well, then, that solves everything!
Except that he can't do it. I can't?
No, not unless you want
another illegal wedding.
I'm afraid a captain has no
authority on dry land. Only at sea.
Well, how deep does
the water have to be?
Gilligan, is this gonna be another
one of your stupid suggestions?
Uh-huh. Well, I don't want to hear it.
Okay, professor, if we build
a raft and float it in the lagoon,
could he marry them?
Say, that's an idea!
As long as it's on water, I guess it's legal.
Ah! I just asked the professor
I heard, gilligan! And he said
I heard! What do you say?
What else can I say?
We are gathered here today
to unite this couple in holy matrimony.
Hold this ring for me, gilligan,
and give it to the groom
during the ceremony.
Darling, aren't we tempting fate?
I won't lose it!
Well, you've lost everything
on this island but the lagoon!
That ring belonged to my
great-great-great-great-grandmother.
All the wentworths have been
married with it for generations.
Wentworth? Wentworth, yes.
That's Mrs. Howell's maiden name.
What was your maiden name?
My maiden name was
oh, why do I listen to him?
Run along, dear. We have a
thousand details to attend to.
Uh, gilligan, my boy!
How long will it take to finish this raft?
Couple of hours.
Well, don't waste a minute,
because they've never
been apart so long.
You mean you've
never been apart so long.
No, I mean they've
never been apart so long.
Hey, skipper, were you ever married?
Almost, gilligan. What do you mean?
Well, there was a dance
aboard ship one night.
I walked into the room,
and there across the room
sat the only girl in the world for me.
Uh-huh.
I got up, I walked over,
and I bowed very lowly to her
and said, "would you marry me?"
Yeah? What did she say?
Well, she said, "I don't think I can.
I don't think my husband will let me."
That was a narrow escape.
Yeah, well, you mustn't
think about it that way, gilligan.
I'm never gonna get married.
Aw, well, never's a long,
long time, little buddy.
Skipper, you marry one of them,
and all they do is order you around.
Well, so? I order you around.
Yeah, but what about our arguments?
Well, everybody argues.
Married couples argue all the
even you and me!
Yeah, but, skipper,
when you get mad and holler,
you don't run home to mother.
Mary Ann: Skipper!
I'm ready. Are you ready, gilligan?
For what?
To marry me!
Oh!
Gilligan, please, stick
around! I need the practice.
I haven't married anybody in a
long time. It won't take very long.
It's just going to be a
rehearsal. It's just pretend.
Well, let's just pretend we're
pretending to get married.
Gilligan! I want you to get
up there and get in place,
and that is an order!
Thank you, Mary Ann.
Now, then, let's see here.
"Insubordination," "mutiny"uh
Ah, "marriage." Here we are.
Oh, no!
Now then,
we are gathered here to
join this man and this woman
in holy matrimony.
And so forth and so on and so on.
Then, gilligan, do you take this woman
to be your lawful, wedded wife?
Say, "I do."
Well, come on, gilligan. Just
nod your head. Do something!
Then that's good enough!
Now, do you take this man to
be your lawful, wedded husband?
I do!
Alright, gilligan. Do you have the ring?
Gilligan, don't lose it!
Don't worry. I won't.
Don't drop it again, now.
With the power vested in me,
I now pronounce you man and wife!
Well, gilligan, don't just stand there.
Kiss the bride!
Kiss
come on, gilligan. No.
Oh, gilligan, come on.
It's just a rehearsal!
Mary Mary Ann!
I'm a little nervous, professor.
I'm more used to christening
ships than marrying people.
Oh, relax, skipper. You'll do just fine.
I just hope I don't forget myself
and hit 'em over the head with a bottle.
[Wedding march playing]
Uh, professor, would you help
the bride come aboard here?
That's it.
Bride, stand inside here.
Groom next to your bride.
Maid of honor stands behind the bride.
Ah, the best man!
Well, I'm finally best man at something!
Gilligan, you couldn't be
best man at an all-girls' school.
Now, help us push off.
Shove off, gilligan!
I'll tell you when.
Good luck!
We'll be waiting for you!
That's far enough, gilligan.
Oh, no! Just had to happen!
Skipper!
Hold on!
Watch the garland, will you?
Gilligan, now, no more monkey business.
Do you understand?
Aye, aye, sir.
Alright, folks, please take your places.
Wedding has the charm of a street riot.
Now, we are gathered here today
to join this man and this woman
in holy matrimony, and so
forth and so on and so on.
Skipper, can't you make
it a little bit more romantic?
It's just a formality, ginger. Right, lovey?
I'd like my wedding to be
something to remember.
Oh, yes, something to remember.
Uh, carry on, would you, skipper?
We are gathered here today
to join this man and this woman
in holy matrimony.
Now, Mr. Howell, do you
take this woman, Mrs. Howell
skipper, my name
happens to be went worth,
and it remains went worth
until after the ceremony.
Yes, ma'am.
Lovey, don't be so stubborn.
You were Mrs. Howell much longer
than you were miss went worth.
Is that a remark concerning my age?
Skipper: Please, folks!
Now, Mr. Howell, do you take this
woman for your lawful, wedded wife?
Yes, I do.
To love, honor, and obey her
as long as you shall live?
I do to all of those things, and so
does my adorable little bride-to-be.
If you don't mind, I'd rather do it myself.
Mrs. How Mrs miss went worth?
I do.
Alright, Mr. Howell,
if I may have the ring, please.
Yes, the ring, gilligan.
I'm not marrying you!
Just give me the ring!
I did! Oh, I can't get it off!
Well, at least you didn't lose it.
Oh, pull harder, thurston!
[All chatter]
You're gonna spend
the night in my vault!
Ow!
No use. It's stuck!
Oh, dear! What are we going to do?
Well, your ever-resourceful thurston
has the situation well in hand.
Uh carry on, captain. Right.
Wrong! I will not be
married with a cigar band.
It's only till after the ceremony.
You have no sentiment!
Sentiment! I'll have you know
that came off a $5 cigar!
My great-great-great
grandmother's ring, and that's final!
Must you be so unreasonable?
I'm unreasonable?
Is that what you're saying? Exactly!
Please, folks!
All I want is a quiet ceremony!
I don't care about the ring! Well, I do!
Well, then, marry gilligan!
He's wearing the ring!
I knew it! You're trying to trap me!
Oh, shut up, gilligan!
Oh, you know how
stubborn I can be, thurston!
Now, for the last time
for the last time, it's the last time
I intend to wed you, miss went worth!
Did I hear you correctly?
You most certainly did!
If you didn't, I'll spell it out for you!
The wedding is definitely off!
O-f-f! Off!
Well, now, this is just about
everything I have, I believe.
That's good. One more load,
and we'd have to sleep outside.
Well, what have we here?
Let's see where Teddy and I will sleep.
Our head here, and
our little feet down here.
Right, Teddy?
Mr. Howell, our hammocks
will be right over your bed!
Oh, not now they won't! No, not at all.
Where are we gonna sleep?
Well, anyplace you like.
You'll find me very patient.
Just draw my bath precisely at 8:05.
Your bath?
And the temperature
of the water must be 79.
Then a massage, a brisk rubdown,
and of course breakfast. But,
Mr. Howell, the skipper and I have to
go get firewood
and water and collect fruit.
I'm barely out of bed, and
you're nagging me already!
I'm trying to be patient.
I'm trying devilishly hard.
Now, let's see, there are
a few minor details.
There's cocktails, a dinner menu,
after-dinner relaxation,
and a little nighty-night snack.
I'll post a schedule
so it'll make it easier for you.
Who did these things for you before?
Well, Mrs. Howell, of course.
Mr. Howell, you didn't lose a wife.
You lost a construction crew.
Well, our house guest is moved in?
And how!
Pardon me, gilligan.
Well, Mr. Howell, I see you're
making yourself at home.
Yes, yes, captain.
I we'd like a few words with you.
Why, I'll move out before
I'll do all those things.
You just did.
But, gilligan, it's not right!
I mean, that's our hut!
So sorry. His hut now.
We're happy you moved
in with us, Mrs. Howell.
Thank you, my dear.
It's nice to be loved by someone.
I'm sure that Mr. Howell still loves you.
Please! We will not mention
that man's name again!
But, Mrs. Howell
miss went worth!
How I stayed married to that
selfish man all these years,
I'll never know.
How I catered to thurston!
His every wish was my command.
Right. So let's not
talk about him anymore.
My lips are sealed.
"Yes, thurston," "no, thurston,"
"whatever you say, thurston."
"Thurston, watch your diet,"
"thurston, take your nap,"
"thurston, look after
your blood pressure."
Why, I was like a wife to that man!
Didn't we say we weren't
going to talk about him?
Thurston can look after himself.
I'm going back to the hut
and get the rest of my things.
I'll see you girls this evening.
If you need any help, let us know.
Oh, you know,
you've both been wonderful.
Ever since I've been here,
nobody's mentioned thurston's name.
Mary Ann, we're in deep trouble.
Right. We're gonna have to listen to her
not talk about him day and night!
What are we gonna do?
Ginger, we've gotta
make her take him back.
No chance.
Unless
Unless what?
Mary Ann, what is it
that every woman wants?
What another woman's got!
Well
Guess what I'm going to get.
What do you want more than
anything in the world, Mr. Howell?
Money.
Besides that.
Besides money,
everything, my dear, pales.
How 'bout Mrs. Howell?
Yes, I'd love to see dear old mummy.
I don't mean Mrs. Howell, your mother.
I mean Mrs. Howell, your wife.
You mean my ex-wife, and her
name happens to be miss went worth.
I bet if you made her jealous,
she'd come back to you.
Jealous?
For instance, if you were
to entertain me at dinner
By George, what a brilliant scheme!
I'm sure it'll work, Mr. Howell.
Of course it'll work! My
brilliant schemes always work!
Skipper, you awake?
I haven't even got to sleep yet.
Come on, let's go.
You gotta get his steam room ready,
and I gotta run his bath.
Gilligan, I am not moving.
Oh, come on, skipper. It's the
least you can do for poor Mr. Howell.
Poor Mr. Howell? What about
poor Mr. You and poor Mr. Me?
Gilligan, that is our hut,
and I'm gonna figure a way
of getting him out of there.
One way is to throw him out, remember?
Please, don't remind me.
You sure told him.
"Alright, ho well, now hear this!
Enough is enough! There's
one thing you gotta do."
And he did. He gave you his laundry.
Yes, but what kills me is I took it!
Look at it this way, skipper.
Life is like a game of marbles.
No matter how pretty yours are,
the other guys are prettier.
That's all I need is a dropout philosopher.
Wait a minute, gilligan!
You've got the answer!
I have? Yes, you have!
Then how come
I don't know the question?
Because it's so simple.
Now, look, Mrs. Howell is gonna
make him so insanely jealous,
he'll go running back.
He will?
Yes, and we're the 2 sailors
that are gonna help her.
Come on! Yeah.
For goodness sake!
Thanks a lot, gilligan.
Well, what do you say, Mrs. Howell?
I'm not sure.
Don't you want him back?
Oh, of course I want my thurston back.
Well, but you have to make him jealous.
Thurston's a veritable tiger
when he's roused.
Oh, we can handle
him. Can't you, skipper?
Well, you certainly got
from "we" to "me" in a hurry.
Alright, gentlemen, tonight at
dinner, we'll put our plan to work.
And who will your dinner companion be?
The worldly, sophisticated captain
or the naive, innocent first mate?
I think
Yes?
I want Yes?
The professor!
Mr. Howell: Ah, ginger,
you're a vision of loveliness,
a crammed cornucopia
of curvaceous charms.
Is that good?
Well, it's enough to make her simmer
in the juices of jealousy, that's all.
Say something poetic, professor.
Do you have a preference, my dear?
No. Anything that'll make thurston boil.
Ah, love! If I were king,
what monumental treasure
would I bring?
A direct hit. The word
"treasure" destroyed him.
[Chuckles]
How's it look?
Perfect. Now, no matter
who gets jealous first,
the plan'll work.
I sure hope so.
They're getting a little
rough out there now.
They're using everything
but live ammunition.
Mr. Howell: Waiter!
Gilligan, they're calling for you!
I know.
Mr. Howell: Waiter!
I bet I'm the first waiter in history
that deserves combat pay.
You called, sir?
Oh, waiter, yes.
A bottle of bubbly.
And make it your finest.
Nothing is too fine for my ginger.
Garcon!
Oh, he's speaking French.
That's her favorite language.
You called, sir?
What is to your taste, my dear?
You know, this is the first
time a man has asked me
what I want.
Nice touch, Mrs. Howell. Thank you.
You order, professor.
You thinking men know everything.
She's enjoying herself.
She's just trying to make
you jealous, Mr. Howell.
Yes, but I'm supposed
to make her jealous.
Well, come on.
Yes!
How dare he sit so close to her!
Mrs. Howell, you can't
show him you care.
Laugh! Be gay!
[Forced laugh]
I don't get the joke.
Waiter, you were
supposed to get the wine!
Uh, waiter, what time is it?
Sorry, not my table.
They're ready for the dessert.
Well, they haven't even
touched their dinner!
Well, how are they doing?
Well, they're both laughing real loud
and staring at each other.
Oh, gilligan, I think we're in trouble.
You mean I'm in trouble.
Why just you?
They way things are going, I'll bet
neither one leaves me a tip.
More coffee, sir?
Yes, yes, yes, my boy.
Is she burning?
She certainly is.
Good.
I spilled some coffee on her.
More coffee?
Please!
Gilligan, he doesn't look jealous.
How can you tell?
All he's doing is looking at ginger.
Let him. She can have him for all I care.
But, Mrs. Howell, we
worked this whole thing out!
Work? Oh, my dear boy,
you'll never have to do
another day's work
as long as miss went
worth is your patron.
She really got you that time.
To the quick.
You know how much it costs to
support one of those eggheads?
Oh, Mr. Howell, you're about
as romantic as a head cold.
Listen to this:
I'll buy you diamonds and emeralds,
nylons and chocolate bars!
Nylons and chocolate bars?
Something I learned during the war.
Riviera, Paris, Rio de Janeiro!
Pick it, my dear, and it is yours.
Listen to him brag.
Mrs. Howell, we're supposed
to be making him jealous.
I will.
Say something scientific.
Scientific?
Salicylic acid.
That's aspirin.
I don't care what it is.
Salicylic acid!
Oh, professor, I will buy you one!
I'll buy you a dozen!
Listen to that.
Little does she care
how hard other people work
to make me money.
Spend, spend, spend!
I'll tell you, it's creeping socialism.
They still at it?
Only worse. Where's the skipper?
I think he deserted the ship.
He wouldn't do that.
Oh, he mumbled something
about plan "b,"
whatever that is.
Yeah, whatever that is.
[Playing music]
Gilligan: Headhunters!
Headhunters!
Headhunters right behind me!
Lovey, stand behind me! I'll protect you!
[Grunting]
[Ginger screams]
[Screaming gibberish]
Take that, you savage!
Oh, thurston, you got him!
I'd better go check.
Oh, darling, you saved me,
and after I behaved so foolishly.
No, my darling, it was I who was foolish.
Let's never argue again
now that we're together, hmm?
No more arguments till
after we're married.
Skipper, are you alright?
Of course I'm alright.
So are the howells.
Skipper, you're sure you're okay?
For the last time,
I'm alright, Mary Ann!
Gilligan, what's the weather?
They haven't gotten to it yet.
Rain or no rain,
we're getting married this morning.
The ceremony goes on
even if we have to tread water.
Radio: Now for oddities in the news.
Are you ready?
I'm ready. Good.
Last week we reported
that the marrying pastor
Buckley Norris was a fraud.
The fraud was not Buckley
Norris, but Boris knuckley.
All people married in Boston
by the right reverend Buckley Norris
are still married.
Repeat, still married.
Thurston, we're still married!
Still married? Oh, let's go to the hut
and make happy talk, lovey!
We're still married. Isn't that marvelous?
There, you see, gilligan?
You can't upset true love.
No, neither wind nor rain
nor darkness of night.
Gilligan, that's for mailmen.
Well, they fall in love, too.
Oh, never mind. Come on,
let's go get his stuff out of our hut.
Mrs. Howell: Please, dear,
let's arrange it the other way.
Mr. Howell: Lovey, it's
much better this way.
I said I'd prefer it the other way.
I must insist, dear. Either my way or else.
Or else what?
Or else I move out!
Mr. Howell: Don't block that door!
I'm moving back in!
[Together] Oh, no, you're not!
Oh, yes I am!
I'll sleep there.
Don't forget breakfast 8:05.
Temperature of the water 79.
A brisk massage, a rubdown,
cocktails, dinner,
and a nighty-night snack.
They're here for a long, long time ♪
they'll have to make ♪
the best of things ♪
it's an uphill climb ♪
the first mate and his skipper, too ♪
will do their very best ♪
to make the others comfortable ♪
in their tropic island nest ♪
no phone ♪no lights ♪
no motorcars, not a single luxury ♪
like Robinson crusoe ♪
it's primitive as can be ♪
so join us here each week, my friends ♪
you're sure to get a smile ♪
from 7 stranded castaways ♪
here on gilligan's isle ♪