Batman (1966) s02e46 Episode Script

NARRATOR".
When last we saw our beleaguered battlers they were slowly sinking in a bitter batter of Riddler quicksand.
A grim and gritty end awaits them unless something awfully good happens awfully fast.
Holy Titanic, Batman.
We're going down for the last time.
Don't be a pessimist, Robin.
Many of those who survived that tragedy did so by remaining calm and treading water until help arrived.
-But this is quicksand.
I know, Robin.
But I seem to recall a recent report on jungle survival which indicated that many victims of quicksand are victims because of their own panic.
-Not doing a lot for my nerves.
The specific gravity of quicksand approximates that of water.
If we remain calm and motionless we shouldn't sink much farther than your lower lip.
-It's working, Batman.
-Yes.
One thing worries me, though, how long can we keep floating? We won't have to float long, old churn.
If our experimental Heel-and-toe Bat-rockets perform as well as they should.
Experimental Heel-and-toe Bat-rockets? Haven't been tested yet.
Let's not put off till tomorrow what we can do today, Robin.
As I begin the countdown slowly reach for the Heel-and-toe Bat-rocket controls in your utility belt.
Remember, any sudden movement will disturb our equilibrium, and we can't afford to sink much further.
Now, on the count of zero activate your Bat-rockets.
-Roger.
Zero minus five zero minus four zero minus three zero minus two zero minus one.
Zero.
NARRATOR".
Later at the Riddler's hideout in the soon to be opened Noman Jigsaw Puzzle Factory the magic of electronics provides the Riddler and his band of malevolent yeoman with a fascinating account of their latest criminal coup.
All of Gotham City is aghast today at the daring daylight robbery in Gotham City Square Park in which $1 million of charity funds accumulated in Batman's honor was snatched from the hands of the poor by the light-fingered Riddler.
- Light-fingered? - He and his henchmen Yes, that's what I am.
Light-fingered, nimble, quick.
Wonderful.
In a joint statement issued just minutes ago Commissioner Gordon and Batman and Robin promised an intensified search for the perpetrators of this shameless crime and the speedy recovery of the charity funds.
The following riddle left at the scene of the crime provides their only clue.
"When is an eagle's nest blessed best?" That mealy-mouth faker.
Issued a joint statement with Batman and Robin, did he? Well, he knows and we know that the Caped Crusaders are defunct, departed, demised, dead.
What if he isn't lying? - What if Batman and Robin are--? -Alive? Impossible, dear Anna Gram.
Even if it were possible, it couldn't matter less.
One more cunning caper and I'll have the prize of Professor Charm's demolecularizer.
Then let them send the regiment of Batmen against me.
When is an eagle's nest blessed best? Seems to me that any nest is most blessed when there are little ones in it.
- Yes.
-Or nest eggs.
- Riddler is after a nest egg.
-Which leads me to speculate that he intends to strike an eagle's nest somewhere here in Gotham City.
- Do you agree, Robin? -I agree.
But there hasn't been an eagle in Gotham City in 75 years.
Except in a zoo.
Perhaps not, Chief O'Hara but I know of at least one eagle's nest.
Where's that, Batman? A nightclub.
High atop the Gotham City State Building known as the Aerie.
Of course, the Aerie or eagle's nest.
A favorite watering place for Gotham City's elite.
And a perfect target for an aquiline attack.
Aquiline.
That's a very descriptive word, Commissioner Gordon.
- Are you acquainted with its etymology, Robin? -Aquiline.
Of or like an eagle.
- From aquila, Latin for eagle.
-Yes.
And what Latin eagle now lives, resides or nests here in Gotham City? Anthony Aquila, the exiled dictator from South America.
And a multimillionaire who's rumored to keep at least $1 million in cash in his wall safe at all times.
That must be it, Batman.
How could the Riddler resist such a treasure.
There's treasure at both ends of the rainbow, commissioner.
While Robin and I dash to Anthony Aquila's palatial penthouse apartment you and your men in blue protect the area.
An ingenious tactic.
Thank you, commissioner.
And good luck to all of us.
NARRATOR".
Meanwhile, in Anthony Aquila's palatial penthouse reproduction of his former plantation home the Riddler and his bearers lurk in the underbrush.
Ha, ha.
There it is, you nearsighted nitwits.
The answer to a hard heart's dream.
Don't stand there staring at it.
The loot sack, knaves.
Ha.
Fill it.
Quickly.
Riddler, come out of the bush and surrender.
As a duly deputized peace officer I order you to drop that sack and give yourself up.
Impossible.
Fifteen feet of lethal quicksand.
They sure don't look defunct to me, Riddler.
Or demised, departed and dead.
How? - How did they survive? -Right was on our side, that's how.
Get them.
- The loot sack, Riddler.
-And then we'll talk about the money you took from the poor and needy.
-No, we don't, Boy Wonder.
Because you and your deputized friend are going to watch me walk out of here.
Follow me and I'll show you why.
At ease, old chum.
I suspect Riddler's prisoner is Senor Aquila himself.
Brilliant deduction.
Hold this.
Yes, the eagle himself caged like a big bird.
And, Batman, his life is in your hands.
Thank you.
I prepared this tricky cage in case the news report was true and you two showed up.
In mere moments, an explosive charge inside that ticking green box will send Senor Aquila and his palatial penthouse higher than any eagle has ever flown.
- Unless? -Unless you and junior here unlock the secret to these battling bars and disarm the bomb in time.
Well, adios, amigos.
Better get to work.
Ta-ta.
Are we going to let them walk out just like that? We have no choice, Robin.
Senor Aquila has many friends in his home and we cannot risk an international incident.
I suppose you're right.
This particular puzzle cage doesn't seem to conform with the usual puzzle cage pattern.
Some of the medieval puzzle cages were designed so that all the intersecting rods were dependent upon the access of only one supporting rod.
Disengaging that one rod unlocks the entire cage.
-Stand clear, Robin.
Curious, but decidedly an explosive.
"To whom it may concern.
If the tail fits, wear it.
" There you are, professor.
Three million dollars.
I must admit, Mr.
Riddler, you are a man of your word.
Where do we go to pick up the demolecularizer? Oh, I have it with me at all times.
- This is the demolecularizer? -Mm-hm.
You want me to pay $3 million for an 89-cent pencil flashlight? That 89 cents pencil flashlight, as you call it, Mr.
Riddler is, in reality, a highly sophisticated weapon which took a lifetime to develop.
Powerful enough to disrupt the molecular structure of matter yet so simply designed that it can be recharged by plugging it in any household electrical outlet.
How does it work? Um Watch that, uh, green derby on that chair over there.
Wow.
It's gone.
Disappeared.
- That thing really works.
-As I said it would.
Make it come back now.
It isn't yet possible.
I haven't even began work on the molecular storer for lack of funds.
Well, now you have $3 million and I have Gotham City right by the throat.
Get Commissioner Gordon on the phone.
He should be the first to know.
Another crisis, commissioner? A rather enigmatic phone call from the Riddler.
Suggesting that we keep our eye on Marshall Coley's statue.
Do you think he would dare desecrate the statue of our revered war hero right here in Coley Square? A life of crime has worn the Riddler's moral fiber to a frayed strand, commissioner.
He may have little respect for the memory of the great Marshall Coley.
- This could be another of Riddler's ruses.
-Quite true, Robin.
Holy Houdini.
Great slithering snakes.
The Marshall, he's gone.
Uncanny.
Careful, Chief O'Hara.
Whatever unknown force was employed in dematerializing Marshall Coley's statue may have left a contaminating residue on the pedestal.
Begorra, you're right.
Thanks, Caped Crusader.
Someone here called "Batman"? Yes.
I'm Batman.
Telegram.
Another Riddler-gram.
It's an ultimatum.
"Unless Gotham City is declared an open city and all criminal statutes rescinded within two hours police headquarters will disappear as surely and as quickly as Marshall Coley's statue.
" That swaggering peacock.
Oh, he's only bluffing.
I'm afraid not, chief.
Listen to this.
"If the city fathers refuse to capitulate after police headquarters is gone building after building will disappear until they do.
" To confound us further, the telegram ends with a riddle.
"What is it that travels on all fours in the morning on two legs at noon, and three at twilight? If you intend to follow me, add the answer to the other three.
" What can we do, Batman? It saddens me, commissioner but I just don't know.
Gosh, Batman.
I'm sure hung-up on this riddle.
I'll help you just as soon as I collate these figures for the remote Bat Computer.
Now, if my original premise was correct and that machine has done a man's job Man's job.
Man's job.
Man.
That's it, Batman.
Man travels on all fours in the morning of his life or as an infant.
And on two legs at noon or as an adult.
And with a cane or three legs in the twilight of his life.
Congratulations, Robin.
Now let's concentrate on the last part of Riddler's challenge.
"If you intend to follow me, add the answer to the other three.
" We'll select the keywords from each of the first three riddles.
Page, banquet eagle's nest and man.
For instance, the letter P in the word "page" is the 16th letter in the alphabet.
Using numerical positions in the alphabet as a common denominator we then add the number two for banquet and five for eagles-- And 13 for man.
And the total? - Thirty-six.
-Thirty-six.
Thirty-six inches in a yard or three feet.
And who has three feet to you? No one.
Or no man.
I seem to recall a recent announcement of a factory opening by that name.
Robin, activate the remote Bat Computer again.
"Noman Jigsaw Puzzle Factory.
" - On the corner of Shady Glade and Fifth.
-Excellent.
- Commissioner? -Yes, Batman.
Could you arrange for the immediate delivery of four 100-pound sacks of sodium dichloride to the Batcopter? I'll explain later.
Consider it done.
Anything else? Yes.
Do not, I repeat, do not capitulate to any of Riddler's demands until you hear from me under any circumstances.
You have my word on that too, Batman.
Good.
What are we gonna do with four 100-pound sacks of sodium dichloride, Batman? Checkmate Riddler.
Hopefully.
NARRATOR".
While the Caped Crusaders race against approaching doom their impatient adversary frets away the remaining minutes.
How can you lamebrains play cards in a time like this? Oh, gee, Riddler.
Honey, what else is there to do? Turn the television on.
That fatheaded police commissioner has little less than half an hour before he starts looking for a new headquarters.
Chief O'Hara, I'm Bud Furillo of the Gotham City Herald.
Is there anything I can tell my readers about your investigation? Well, we've moved every piece of furniture in this building.
We've looked under very rug, but nothing could be found.
What is it that you and your elite squad are looking for? Well, we don't exactly know.
But we'll keep right on looking till the very last second.
BUD".
Thank you, chief.
Poor Chief O'Hara, knocking himself out looking all over the building for the demolecularizer when it's hidden in the commissioner's office.
- It is? -When did you manage to do that? On my way back from Marshall Coley Square I plugged it into an ordinary electrical outlet behind the commissioner's couch.
If the commissioner follows my instructions and issues a capitulation proclamation in precisely 4:55 p.
m I'll call him and tell him how to deactivate the automatic trigger.
- How? -Simple.
Turn the wall switch to the off position.
NARRATOR".
Meanwhile, the Dynamic Duo wings across the city with their cargo of sodium dichloride.
The moment is almost at hand now when the city must announce its decision.
Capitulation will amount to official sanction of wanton lawlessness.
Standing fast will prompt unholy destruction.
We understand that Commissioner Gordon has refused to leave the building.
Wonderful.
Let him go down with his building.
There's very little time left now.
No time to use the stairs.
We'll have to try the Bat-rope.
Stand clear.
MAN".
Our telephoto lens is providing the view of police headquarters which you see on your screen.
Except for Commissioner Gordon Chief O'Hara and his elite bomb squad, the building is empty.
All we can do is watch and wait.
Watch and wait, Gotham City.
There's more to come.
As the seconds tick away the clouds above police headquarters seemed to be darkening as though a storm were imminent.
Just five seconds to go.
Four three, two one.
- What happened? -The demolecularizer.
It didn't work.
I knew it was a cheap flashlight.
Flashlight.
Flashlight! - Try again.
-Didn't your mother ever tell you not to play with electricity? -You two, how did you do it? The supercharged electrical power of that lightning neutralized the effect of your weapon.
How did you know the lightning would strike at the right time? We arranged for it.
Cloud seeding.
With 400 pounds of sodium dichloride.
Fortunately, my calculations proved correct.
As usual, your riddles led us right to you.
You've made the mistake of being predictable yourselves with your legendary window entrances.
Riddle me this.
When is a floor like a puzzle? Help! Batman! - Nice catch, chief.
-Let go of me, you blue-footed baboon.
I'll bet she's the toughest one of the bunch.
- She's the only one still kicking.
-Ow! Coming forward voluntarily with the stolen charity money should tip the scales of justice in your favor, professor.
No man can live with the wails of the hungry children in his conscience.
Professor, when you've paid your debt to society you'll be able to continue your scientific studies under the wing of the Gotham City Science Institute.
I don't know how to thank you, Batman for arranging my membership.
-You can thank our friend Bruce Wayne.
Mr.
Wayne persuaded the membership to lower the customary educational requirements.
Robin, we should take this money to the Wayne Foundation before the close of business hours.
-Roger.
Amazing man.
Do you know who is under that mask of his? To ask, professor, who he is is nowhere near as important as where he is at all times.