Batman (1966) s02e54 Episode Script

NARRATOR".
As you may recall, we last left Batman sealed in an Egyptian sarcophagus five feet under water.
For you, several hours have passed.
For our heroes, not one second.
We just may be witnessing the final chapter in Batman's brave life.
Don't move an inch.
The most incredible occurrences have yet to occur incredibly.
The die is cast, Tutlings.
Never again will Batman poke his bony beak into my business or anybody else's business for that matter.
Ah! Don't work yourself into a flap, spunky.
He's drowned, not even brat-to-bat resuscitation can help him now.
Now I must get back to the throne room and see if my adored Cleopatra has changed her mind in the dungeon.
I still don't see what that dame has that I don't.
Well, whatever it is, she's had it centuries longer than you.
You've seen the last of that vatted calf.
Morse Batcode? Good heavens.
You're in big trouble, King Tut.
Kidnapping, murder, grand theft and malicious mischief.
You're a party-pooper, Cleo.
Now you see we've had our first spat.
All right, fellows, gather up yon bird boy and bring the Tut Truck round to the front entrance.
We go now to the royal oil boiling room.
A perfect place to make our nuptial arrangements.
Ugh.
Aren't going to be any nuptial arrangements.
I wanna go home.
Oh, and so you shall, my little lily of the valley of the kings.
In gloriously triumphant splendor to the Nile.
My father hears about this, he's gonna run you out of town on an Egyptian rail.
Your father, dear Cleopatra, lies immobile and in the grave in Rama, great city of the Sahara.
When we get to the royal oil boiling room be sure to prepare some real boiling royal boiling oil to boil the boy wonder in royally.
Oh, sir.
Oh, come on.
Face it, Cleo.
Fate has pushed us together and no man can split us asunder.
For the last time, I am not Cleopatra and you certainly are not King Tut.
Bite your tongue.
She speaks heresy, omnipotent one.
Lord Chancellor, you don't understand women.
Beneath it all, she's aflame with love for me.
Yuck.
Reach your heart out.
Please, I beg of you.
Next to Bruce Wayne, my father is probably the wealthiest man in Gotham City.
He'll pay you anything if you'll just let me go.
She speaks with straight tongue, sire.
John E.
Carson has tons of the stuff.
We could make a good deal.
The market is strong for young heiresses right now.
Silence, Tutlings.
There will be no deal consummated until after our marriage.
- I'll do anything if you'll call my father.
- Mmm.
Oh, thank heavens.
You're alive, sir.
Just barely, Alfred.
I came as soon as I received your Morse Batcode message.
It was really most propitious that I happened to be dusting the Batcave when you sent it.
I counted on your love for your work.
I don't understand how you managed to survive with no air and for such a great length of time, sir.
I put myself in a trance not unlike the Indian fakirs.
It required extreme concentration.
I was able to slow my heart and respiratory systems to a crawl.
But you were without air for nearly an hour, sir.
Yes, I know of one fakir who was buried for three years.
Indeed, sir.
Yes, it must have been a remarkable demonstration of self-control.
Where's Robin? King Tut removed him from the premises, where I don't know.
Oh, yes.
We must find him.
To the Batcave.
So won't you please call my father, little baby, hm? I promise you he'll make you a very rich man.
Possessing you is all I want.
A boy couldn't ask for anything more.
Will you call him, please? Pretty please? Would you? All right.
But I insist that he stay away until after the wedding.
Oh, I promise.
I promise.
- Agreed? -Oh, yes.
Agreed.
Put her there.
- Hello? -Hello? Hello, Dad.
This is your future son-in-law.
What? I'm sure you'll be happy to welcome me into your family.
I come from good stock.
My father was a king, grandfather before him, so am I.
Leaving out your larcenous lineage what have you done with and or to my daughter? I'm safe, Daddy.
And she'll remain safe for the paltry sum of $8,300,487 and 12 cents, queen's ransom.
Why such an uneven amount? I need it to pay off the mortgage on the pyramids.
The interest rate over 3400 years is positively usurious.
Very well.
As long as she's in no danger, no sum of money is too great.
But what about arrangements? It will take me a while to get that much cash.
- We'll have to deal through an intermediary.
-I have an idea.
My company sponsors the daily Jolly Jackson Phone Jockey radio show.
When I've collected that much money, I'll call in and I'll say, "The sleet in Crete is never very neat.
" - I think you've got it.
-Keep listening to the program.
Operator, get me Commissioner Gordon.
So Tut plans to boil Robin in oil, eh? I did hear him mention something to that effect, sir through the skylight.
Also, as I now recall, something about his royal oil boiling room.
Mm-hm.
We'll soon see about his monstrous scheme.
And next, where he plans to perpetrate it.
Drawing upon my vast storehouse of chemical knowledge I'm herein concocting an alchemist fluid which will neutralize the boiling oil.
What exactly does it do, sir? I'm not quite sure, Alfred.
It's the first time I've ever tried this experiment.
But I think in the end, it should produce foam rubber.
- Foam rubber, sir? -Yes, Alfred.
From a tiny capsule like that? The size of the package, Alfred, is in no way any indication of the value of its contents.
Of course, sir.
Heh.
Very apt.
Yes, commissioner.
Urn, first, Batman, will you be talking to Bruce Wayne? I occasionally run into him, commissioner.
Why? I'm worried about my daughter Barbara.
How is she involved in all this? Well, as Bruce Wayne knows, she's away at college, she'll be graduating shortly and I'd hate to think that some of the dire happenings which have happened to that fine professor of Egyptology could also happen to my beloved daughter at her school.
I rather doubt that your daughter Barbara is going to get conked on the head and turned into a long-dead Egyptian ruler, commissioner.
Heh, heh.
I know it sounds a little farfetched but she's an only child and of course, my pride and joy.
I just need a little reassurance.
If I see Bruce Wayne, I'll ask him to call you.
He knows more about the present American collegiate scene than I do.
I'd be most grateful, Batman.
You said that was first, commissioner, what's second? Second? Oh, yes.
Of course.
Forgive me.
I must not let my personal concerns conflict with my public problems.
Are you familiar with Jolly Jackson, the Phone Jockey? Isn't he the man who takes calls from people and then insults them on the air? Exactly.
And here's our predicament Our number is klondike-5-8-2-5-7.
The program is "Open Mouth.
" - Hello.
-Mr.
Jackson, this is Batman.
Sorry about that.
I had to cut you off the air.
No names.
But it's important that my message be heard.
You know, you're the eighth person that called today claiming to be Batman.
It used to be Napoleon.
Now it's Batman.
But I'm really Batman and I have a message for King Tut.
King Tut'? Listen, I'm no Egyptian phone jockey, bub.
Maybe not, but this is a matter of life and death.
Well, you all say the same thing.
All right, listen, if you're really Batman then you're a very brainy guy, right? Go on.
Tell me who said, "Biography should be written by an acute enemy"? Arthur James Balfour, born 1848, died 1930.
He was quoted by S.
K.
Ratcliffe in the London Observer, January 30, 1927.
Friends, we have a very special guest on the line.
A great and good friend of yours truly.
Batman.
He has a message for you.
Fire away, caped crusader.
This message is for King Tut only.
I request all other citizens of Gotham City to comply with my wishes and shut their radios off for the next 30 seconds.
Curse you, Batman.
May you fall down a flight of stairs and break every tooth in your head except one and in that, may you have a toothache for the rest of your life which won't be very long.
Okay, you can turn your radios up again.
Good.
For those of you who didn't hear what Batman had to say, it was very interesting.
And for those of you who didn't turn your radios off: Naughty, naughty.
Hello, Jolly Jackson on the line.
Can I help you? Yeah.
This is King Tut speaking.
Well, here we go again.
- Tell that repulsive rodent to-- -Hold on a second, Tutsy.
Sorry to do this, friends but would you mind turning your radios off again for a few seconds more.
Go ahead, sweetheart.
Tell that blue beanbag to bring the money to the royal oil boiling room in the abandoned boiler works in the old Boylston section of the city tonight.
Alone.
And you can also tell him to - Oh, oh.
Such language.
-Any result, sir? Yes, Alfred, just as you recalled and I suspected Tut's holding the girl in the abandoned boiler works.
Holy steam valve.
Sorry, sir, it just slipped out.
It must be because Master Robin's uppermost in my thoughts at the moment.
And in mine, Alfred.
You mind the store.
NARRATOR".
Meanwhile, in the royal oil boiling room adjacent to the vacant vat factory Ah! I knew I should have used vegetable oil, it's not hot enough yet.
Only a few more minutes until countdown.
I think there's enough room in the vat for Batman, don't you? About Batman, sire I thought we'd rid ourselves of him once already this evening.
True.
But the caped conniver seems to have a penchant for escaping from tight places.
He'll not escape this one.
Before this night is out I shall revel in the sight of a big, crisp, polyunsaturated bat.
And that goes for his sickening sidekick too.
The banks were all closed.
The most I could muster was slightly more than 6 million.
That's not enough.
That fiend demanded $8,300,487 and 12 cents and not a penny less.
What can I do? For once, I just don't know.
Do you think he'd accept a check for the difference? It's worth a try.
Batman, please promise you'll do everything in your power to bring her home safely.
She's the only daughter I have and I love her very dearly.
You have my word, Mr.
Carson.
This ransom will break me, but I don't care.
Strange.
I was under the impression that you were a multi-multimillionaire.
Everybody thinks so.
But all I have in the world is now in your hands.
I had hoped to arrange a match between Lisa and Bruce Wayne.
The combination of our fortunes would put me back on top and give me room to manipulate.
-A marriage of convenience, eh? It goes on all the time among the upper classes.
Normally, I wouldn't think of Bruce Wayne as a husband for Lisa.
Well, he's a nice enough fellow, but he's just not marriage material for a girl like Lisa.
Actually, you're more her style.
Me? I'm afraid not, Mr.
Carson.
My heart is already pledged to crime-fighting.
No.
No time to tarry.
Lest we forget, lives are at stake.
- Robin.
-Yes.
Is there any hope? For you maybe, but I think my goose is cooked.
Listen, kid.
You want out of here, right? Of course I do.
My father will send the ransom money but I'm not so sure King Tut will release me.
Knowing what kind of fink he is, I'm positive he'll grab you and the loot.
You're going to help us? Frankly, Robin, I don't give a darn about you but I want her out of here.
King Tut may be fat, lazy and extremely rude, but he's all I have.
And with her here I don't even have that.
Seize them.
Oh.
My queen is disloyal, the handmaiden is a traitor and everybody is being mean to me.
Very well, you have insulted your king.
So as soon as Batman and Robin have been fricasseed you'll both join them in yonder pot.
You'll answer to Batman for this.
"You'll answer to Batman for this.
" You big tattletale.
Boiling in oil.
One of my dear father's favorite spectator sports.
Only you won't be a spectator, Batboy.
According to my master plan, the cowled cornball should be arriving momentarily.
- With the money.
-We'll clobber him.
No, no violence.
I can't stand violence.
But I like torture.
It's good, clean fun.
He'll be joining his caped crony in a double birdbath.
Didn't you find that funny? The king has made a yuk.
Laugh now.
Ha, ha, ha! Slave girls, ho.
And ten, nine eight seven, six, five four, three, two one, zero.
Ugh! Into the oil.
Call the commissioner.
Tell him Chief O'Hara and his men can come right over.
Batman, how can I ever thank you? Having you back with your father and Bruce Wayne is thanks enough for me.
But what's gonna happen to me? Don't worry, Neila.
Everything is going to be all right.
Bat.
The new curriculum includes a trip to the archaeological museum and Oh.
- Did I do it again? -You certainly did.
- I hurt anybody? -Only yourself, professor.
- Only yourself.
-I know.
Oh, I hope the board of regents will understand that a criminal alter ego is not an easy thing to overcome.
As a crazed criminal, professor your alter ego would have been dealt with justly, but firmly, for surely no man is above the law and no man is below it.
It's been a lovely evening, Bruce.
Yes, I've had a wonderful time too it's just too bad our date had to be spread over two nights.
But King Tut had other plans for you.
How is the poor, deluded man? I understand he's doing quite well.
He's undergoing therapy to cure his ailment.
When he's not functioning as King Tut, he's really quite normal.
All of us have alter egos we submerge.
True, so true.
Would you like to come in for a glass of milk and cookies? I'm afraid it's rather late.
Why, it's 10:30.
On.
All right.
Will you call me again? I wonder if that would be wise, Lisa, you're a very beautiful woman and you'd make some lucky man a marvelous wife.
Unfortunately, I'm not that man.
You see, the Wayne foundation is my wife.
You're just wasting your time with me.
I don't think it's wasting time, Bruce.
It's been very nice knowing you, Lisa.
Don't I get a goodbye kiss? A kiss? Mm-hm.
Well, if you insist.
I do.
Milk and cookies, did you say? I made the cookies myself.
Man cannot live by crime-fighting alone.