Anger Management s02e66 Episode Script

Did Charlie tell anybody he was going to be late? No.
We cannot be expected to wait here forever.
- I say we leave.
- How long has it been? As of right now, 30 seconds.
Who's with me? Sit your ass down.
I said sit your ass down! Charlie, what the hell are you doing? It's puppet therapy.
A puppet can say things to you that your therapist can't.
Now let's start the session.
Ed, you're old and bald.
That's got to piss you off.
What pisses me off is I left my 22 in the glove box.
I'm not comfortable talking to a puppet.
Why don't you come over here, baby? I'll make you comfortable.
This puppet's funny.
Shut up, Nolan.
Damn it.
Every time I trust a puppet.
What the hell's going on? Dude, what are you doing? Hey, Charlie.
What's up? Bye-bye, everybody.
Good-bye.
Charlie, why do you have a puppet of yourself? I dated a hot puppeteer once.
She made a puppet of me.
She made a puppet of her.
Her puppet got needy.
My puppet was suffocating.
It was a whole thing.
Anyway, sorry I'm late.
I got held up at the courthouse.
It was bound to happen, Charlie.
I mean, you hump like a damn rabbit.
There's got to be a dozen little Charlies running around out there.
Yeah, that's not what it was, Ed.
Oh, well, then I take most of it back.
Actually, I was at the D.
A.
's office.
It turns out they recently uncovered some DNA evidence that proves a man who's been locked up for 50 years is innocent.
And they want me to help him transition back into civilian life.
Oh, I saw that when I accidently watched the news before I switched over to E! Did you guys know that Halle Berry's opening a yogurt store? It's called Very Berry Berry.
I saw that.
What an amazing story.
Yeah, riveting.
All right, well, let's get to you guys.
Nolan, you want to start? Yeah.
I was wondering if I could get my pot back.
I know I said I didn't want to get high and not to give it back to me under any circumstances, - but I've run into a big problem.
- And what's that? I really want to get high.
And I really want to date a puppeteer who's not out of her freakin' mind, but that's not gonna happen either.
Yeah, hi.
Can I help you? Hi.
Kiri Myers, "New York Times.
" You didn't have to bring it to the door.
You could have just thrown it from the car.
I'm a reporter with "The New York Times.
" And they also make you deliver it? Boy, oh, boy.
The newspaper business is really in trouble.
Actually, I'm doing an article on Will Jenkins, but so is everybody else, - so I'm trying a different angle.
- And what's that? A story about an innocent man and the therapist who helped him control his anger and reenter society.
So it's about me.
Well, what a great angle.
So if you could help me jump to the front of the line and get an interview with him, your story will be everywhere.
Well, he is going to be doing a lot of press anyway, so I don't see any harm in you being the first one.
You're going to be famous, Charlie.
- I'll see you next week.
- Hey.
You think they'll let me play me in the movie about me? If it were up to me, I'd let you do it.
Thanks.
For the record, if it were up to me, I'd let you do a lot of things.
Seriously, that wasn't for the record.
Don't write that down.
That was really great.
I think that may have been your best ever.
And I must have been pretty good, too, huh? 'Cause I've never heard you so loud.
I got a leg cramp halfway through, but I decided to steer into it.
I never realized how much fun it would be to have a purely sexual relationship with a guy.
It's the best.
We have sex and then we get back to our lives.
- We don't even have to talk.
- Yeah, why are we even talking? I have no idea.
I am going to get back to my life.
I'll see you tomorrow around 8:00? I don't know.
You know, don't you think that maybe we should - start spacing things out a little bit? - Why? Well, there's a limited number of bangs before a woman like you starts falling for a guy like me.
Oh, please.
I'm serious.
It's like a can of deodorant, you know? You only get so many sprays out of it before The armpit falls in love with the deodorant? Yes.
So just because I'm the woman, that means that I'm automatically going to fall in love with you? You know who says that a lot? Women who fall in love with me.
Well, don't worry, buddy.
Your stupidity is going to guarantee that that never happens.
Mm, I hear that a lot, too.
Hold on.
"The New York Times" is doing an article about how you helped this guy? - You haven't even met the guy.
- That's the beauty of this.
Every time an innocent man gets released from prison, his rage will be completely erased by the joy of being free.
All you'll hear is, "Thank God I'm out.
" It's kind of like when a guy leaves your house in the morning.
So you're taking credit for something you didn't do.
Yes.
It'll balance out all the amazing stuff I did do that nobody's noticed.
That's terrible.
So do I get to be in this article, too? I do co-run the clinic.
But you didn't co-flirt with the reporter.
Oh, co-screw yourself.
- Hello.
- Oh, hey.
Will, come in.
Come in.
I'm Charlie Goodson.
This is Jordan Denby.
Wow, you acknowledged me.
Hi, Will.
We were just having Listen, I thought we'd step over here and get started.
Congratulations, Will.
I can't imagine what it must have been like to be in prison for 50 years knowing that you're innocent.
Oh, I just thank the Lord truth prevailed and I'm free.
That's the attitude I like to hear.
So a lot has changed since '64.
For example, everything's computerized now.
If you want information or to know something, you can Google it on your iPhone and then download the link.
I didn't understand a word you just said.
That's what I mean.
It's complicated out there.
Do women still have vaginas? Last time I looked.
Then I can figure out the rest.
So the first thing that you're going to have to deal with is the press.
That's right.
I am.
Now, it could be very stressful.
So I thought the best way to start would be with a simple one-on-one interview with, say, I don't know, "The New York Times.
" I was thinking the same thing.
Well, good, good.
That way, I'll start with the biggest paper in the country - and rip that reporter a new one.
- Pardon me? The reason I've been here all these years is because I didn't get a fair trial.
And you want to know why? Because I was convicted in the racist press.
They were out to get a young, good-looking black man.
But now they're gonna get it from an old, good-looking black man.
That's great.
That's great.
Would you excuse me for a minute? Listen, I was a little selfish earlier.
We're going to share credit on this.
Just so you know, Wayne's not here - and he's gonna be gone for a few weeks.
Yes, and I'm angry.
It's unfair that Wayne gets to go outside and run around the countryside while we just stuck in here.
Well, if you murdered a bunch of people and were showing the authorities where you buried all the bodies, you'd get to go out, too.
I guess that just proves the harder you work, the luckier you get.
Well, if it makes you feel any better, I was told he's being wheeled around on a dolly wearing a Hannibal Lecter mask.
So he doesn't even have to walk? Oh, Charlie, you're killing me.
Hey, Charlie.
Word around the cellblock is you're helping out Willy Jenkins.
Yes, yes, I am.
I just got him a big interview with "The New York Times" to discuss his case.
You set up an interview with "The New York Times" for Willy "I'm Gonna Kill the Press" Jenkins? Hey, Kettles.
It would be great if I could get a list of all the nicknames around here before I tie my future to anyone else.
You got it.
Excuse me, you just told that to Officer "Can't Remember Crap" Kettles.
Guys, I've got a real problem here.
I'm going to look like the worst anger management therapist in the world if Willy blows up during this thing.
Okay, so you played baseball, right? Baseball players are always squatting down and giving each other hand signals when they squatting.
That is a great idea.
He and I will come up with some prearranged hand signals, and if he starts to lose it, I'll use those to calm him down.
Ooh, I just meant you should all do the interview squatting, 'cause it's hard to get mad when you're squatting.
It just makes you happy.
Come on, Charlie, try it.
Thank you, but, no.
That's why they call me Charlie "Doesn't Squat in a Men's Prison" Goodson.
Thank you so much for coming.
I got a flat tire.
I must have run over a nail or something.
Huh.
Weird.
A nail isn't that weird.
Weird would be if I rolled over a porcupine on a bike or if a squirrel jumped out and stabbed my tire with a switchblade.
Well, it's weird that you called me.
It's bizarre that you come up with stories of psychotic little road animals so quick.
Why is it weird that I called you? Well, because instead of calling a tow truck or calling a gas station, you called me because you are starting to think of me as your boyfriend.
Ah, you see? This is how people run out of bangs.
Okay, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop.
I'm going to change the tire myself.
No, no, no, no, no.
I can change the tire.
- It's not a big deal.
- No.
No.
Because I don't want to give you the impression that I'm trying to turn you into my boyfriend.
Because I'm not.
I don't even like you.
All I want from you is sex.
So what am I supposed to do? I'm just gonna sit here and watch? Yes.
And take your shirt off.
I could use a little eye candy.
It's a little cold outside.
I'm working here, toots.
Give me something.
Ah.
Thanks for letting me stay here till I find a place, Charlie.
Oh, man.
God! You know how long it's been since I had a beer? No.
10 minutes ago.
I got one out of your fridge before you came down.
But you know how long it was before that? Uh, 20 minutes? No.
Why you got to belittle my suffering? Okay, okay.
Let's get back to preparing you for the interview, and afterwards, we'll go out and get some dinner.
I don't need to be prepared for an interview.
I'ma say the same thing I've been thinking for the last 50 years.
Okay, okay.
Again, let's try to find a way to do this without the anger.
Well, good luck.
Because when I sit down and start talkin', I'm going to be out of my damn mind.
Can you dig it? Oh, I can definitely dig it.
Which is why we're coming up with these hand signals to keep you calm during the interview.
Now, what does it mean when I do this? I don't know.
Somebody stole your damn watch? No, it means take a deep breath and count to 10.
Come on, Will, concentrate.
And then later, we'll watch "Django Unchained.
" I think you'll like it.
Charlie, I appreciate what you're trying to do, but I don't think any of these signals are going to work for me.
Okay, okay.
When you were a kid, what's your happiest memory? Let's think.
Drinking out of the "White Only" drinking fountain.
Ooh, that was fun.
And, oh, yeah, being chased by the police dogs when they saw me.
Ooh, that was good times.
Do you have any good memories that don't make me want to cry? Fishing.
I used to love to go fishing with my grandpa.
That's perfect.
Let's use that.
Now, when I do this, no matter how upset you are, try to remember that feeling of going out on the lake with your grandpa.
Before or after the white man chased us off of the property with a shotgun? Hold on a second.
Hello.
Oh, hey, Kiri.
What's up? I've got some great news.
I just spoke to my editor.
He's going to put this thing on the front page.
Of "The New York Times"? That's amazing! Thank you.
Problem is, he needs it right away.
I have to do the interview tomorrow.
Tomorrow? Do you have a problem with that? No, no, no, no.
Tomorrow is perfect.
Charlie.
When we go out, I want you to talk to the waiters.
They got those pads.
They always writing stuff down like they're the reporters of the restaurant.
Piss me off! What is that? Is everything okay? Yeah, everything's fine.
I just dropped a spoon in the garbage disposal.
See you tomorrow.
Please, can I just change the tire? No, you're not my boyfriend! You're my bang buddy.
Just call someone if the car falls on me.
I don't know.
That kind of sounds like a boyfriend thing, too.
You are absolutely right.
Just let me die.
Yes, help is here.
Unless you're having sex with this guy, too.
In which case, I'll just slide over and he can sit with me on the curb.
Hey, miss, you need a hand? I wouldn't go there unless you want to be accused of being her boyfriend.
Oh, yeah.
I bet I know what's going on here.
I've been seeing a lot of this.
You can see that we're sleeping together and we've clearly defined boundaries to our relationship and now he's trying to blur those lines by offering to do something only a boyfriend would do? No, just that you have a nail in your tire.
Oh.
Well, duh.
And, yeah, I knew he was being a jackass - when I saw him sitting on the curb.
- Hold on a second.
I tried helping, all right? She wouldn't let me.
Oh, you're one of those.
One of what? A girl who thought she could have sex without any emotions, but now she's falling for the guy.
This dude knows everything.
And you're the player who's been with every girl in town and all of a sudden you're afraid because you're starting to have feelings for this one.
This dude doesn't know crap.
Oh, hey, guys.
Here.
I was going to drop these off last night, but I got a flat tire.
I'm sorry.
You should have called me to change your tire.
Why? You're not my boyfriend! Yeah, what a shame.
See what you've been missing? Charlie, let me give you some advice my papa gave me a long time ago.
Never mess with white women.
Man, I thought I had a whole week to work with this guy before the interview, but all I had was last night.
Hey, this is on you.
This guy blows up, you're going to look like an idiot.
I know, all it's going to take is one comment like, "You should've called me to change your tire" and he could snap like a crazy person.
That's why I came up with a test.
- What kind of test? - A phony interview with somebody who's going to push every one of his buttons, and if Will can stay cool in front of this old-school redneck, he can stay cool in front of anybody in the press.
- Who is it? - All right.
Bring on the guilty black man the bleeding hearts are turning loose this time.
Hey, Charlie! Look, haven't worn this since my trial.
Still fits.
Will, this is Ed Landry from the "Dallas Book Depository Sun Times.
" - Pleased to meet you, sir.
- Same here.
Here.
Why don't you two gentlemen sit down and make yourselves comfortable? All right, Mr.
Landry, he's all yours.
And, Will, I'll be right over there.
Question one you're getting a lot of money from the government for the 50 years you spent in prison, am I right? - That's right.
- How does it feel getting all that money for just sitting around? Are you trying to say my time in prison was nothing but sitting around? Prison is a hard life and I think I'm being compensated fairly - for enduring it.
- Mm-hmm.
A follow-up question.
So the DNA cleared you of this crime, but, come on, there's got to be something else that you should have been put away for.
What are you trying to say? I'm trying to say where there's smoke, there's fire.
Are you saying that I'm a criminal? Is that what you're saying? Let me tell you something, you cracker-ass son of a bitch.
It's bastards like you in the press who've made my life a living hell for the last 50 years! You dumb honkey! And I know you know what a honkey is because you old.
You are a honkey! I'm not sure he's ready for the press yet.
That'll do, honkey.
So, you got everything you need? Yes, this is perfect.
Where's Will? He's in the kitchen.
Look, there's something I thought you should know before you start the interview.
The guy's gonna go berserk.
Pardon me? I thought you said you were going to help him so he could manage his anger.
Well, this is a much more difficult case than that.
So after careful consideration, I decided the best thing for him to do is to go out of his freakin' mind.
That doesn't sound like anger management.
Hey, don't misunderstand the word "Management.
" Boxers have managers.
They still go around hitting people.
That's a very different thing.
Is it? I don't think so.
This is the way I teach anger management.
I call it go-freaking-out- of-your-mind-berserk therapy.
So if he doesn't blow up during your interview, I have not done my job.
That makes an even better story.
That's what I thought, too.
All right, I'm going to go grab him.
So buckle in.
You're about to get hit with a tsunami of mental health.
What the hell are you doing? Can't you tell? Let me "Reefer" you to this big, fat doobie.
Where did you get weed? It was in the nightstand in the guest bedroom.
I thought you left it for me.
No, no.
That's the stuff my patient asked me to hold for him.
You are not prepared for Nolan-weed.
No, I'm not.
Weed has really changed.
You have no idea.
Forget robots and computers.
The greatest advancement in the last 50 years has been in the ass-kicking potency of that stuff! I'll tell you one thing, everything is all right.
No, it's not! You're supposed to be angry.
Remember prison? The violence? The indignity? The showers? Forget fishing.
Here's our new signal Whoop.
Yeah.
This stuff is good.
But you were convicted by the press.
Remember reporters? You've got one out there waiting to talk to you right now.
You hate those guys.
Relax, man.
People make mistakes.
Relax.
"which leads one to wonder what kind of licensed therapist provides a joint of Green Dragon's Breath to a 70-year-old patient whose last experience was Maui Wowie?" Well, I'm not gonna end up in "Psychology Today," but I have been offered the cover of "High Times.
" So, you know that's kind of cool.
Do tell, what's wrong this time? I ordered a BLT, but they got the tomatoes under the bacon and the lettuce on top of that.
The whole thing's inside out.
Any fool could see that is clearly a TBL.
The bacon goes up and down, not crossways.
The tomatoes go in the center.
- Wanna know why? - Not really.