A Black Lady Sketch Show (2019) s03e01 Episode Script

We don't have to get ready!
Because we stay ready!
Ha ha, when I say "deep,"
you say "condition!"
- Deep!
- Condition!
- Deep!
- Condition!
- Deep!
- Condition!
May the purge be with you!
And also with you!
Amen.
- Now, for 364 days
- Whoo! Whoo!
We have suffered
with half-used hair products
that have gathered dust,
sittin' around
in our beauty cabinets
Taunting us!
You won't use me.
I won't work!
I'm gonna make you look worse
than when you came!
- Whoo!
- No more, ladies!
No more moisturizers,
serums, and gels reminding us
of a bygone era
of bad hair experiments!
And if you--hold on, sis.
Just scoot those
in there for you.
I don't want you
to drop them out.
There you go.
Ladies! We trained for this!
Today, we fight back!
Today, we take what's ours!
Today we take control!
It's control!
I need you to secure
your laces and your lace fronts
'cause it's time
to bob and weave!
This is not a test.
This is your
emergency broadcast system
signaling
the annual product purge.
Commencing at the siren,
any and all hair products
purchased in a previous
calendar year
that did not bring
about the desired results,
can be returned
for the next 12 minutes.
No receipts, no restrictions.
May God be with you.
Go, go, go, go!
Move, heffa!
Hey, sis!
Who's that adorable girl
with her?
That's Carol,
and that's Carol's daughter--
oh!
Go on without me!
Girl, you better focus!
Let's go! Come on!
We was just work friends.
Save my edges!
I'm a donor!
- What the--ooh.
- Really?
- Girl, here you go.
- Oh.
All right, well,
you still seein' that dude
you met at the
Keyshia Cole concert?
No, girl,
we had less chemistry
than a college
athlete's transcripts.
- I let him go--
- Oh, oh!
Hey! Single file, ladies.
We go through this
every single year.
I want this line tighter than,
baby, your own braids.
- Thank you.
- Think you'd be used to it
- by now.
- Well
- With your attitude.
- Who you textin'?
- You takin' selfies?
- What?
Oh, my God,
you got chips in your mouth!
I mean, at least show 'em
a little titty then
if you're gonna do it.
You know,
you right about that.
- I didn't even think about this.
- Come on!
- Okay.
- Girl, your man can wait.
Oops, it seems like we're
all a little thirsty here.
- Very!
- Very much so.
- Clearly!
- We are, clearly.
You want me to turn this
around--is that what it is?
Yes, the product purge
is almost over!
You know
Oh.
It's red light, green light.
Okay.
Okay, we are adults, ma'am.
Thank you!
- Whoo!
- The annual product purge
- has ended.
- I got 2,500 this time!
That is next month's
mortgage payment.
You know, it's too bad Bella
couldn't be here to see this.
I'm pretty sure she died.
Ooh, tomorrow's wash day.
I think I'm gonna try Pattern's
Intensive Conditioner.
Oh, I was looking at that.
Come on.
- Oh, God!
Somebody's
fuckin' watchin' us.
And why is Ashley
Subject Number One?
- Ah! Huh?
- I'm sorry.
- Ah.
- Hello?
- Everything you've known
about the end of the world
- has been a lie.
- What in the Lady T-Pain?
Class, as you know,
here at Luther Vandross
Preparatory Academy,
we love diverse perspectives.
Last week at career day,
we heard from a firewoman,
and today,
we're gonna meet a real doctor.
Yes?
I want to be a doctor!
Well, all you have to do
is say it like I did!
Excuse me, queen.
I'm Dr. Hadassah
Olayinka Ali-Youngman, pre-PhD.
As-salaam-alaikum,
young kings and queens.
Say good morning, children.
- Good morning.
- Good mornin'.
Who's in mourning?
See, see, see, the white man
will have you speaking death
into the top of your day.
Tryin' to kill your dreams
just like they killed UPN.
- Write it down!
- Sweetie,
you don't need
to take notes on this.
You need to take notes on this!
It's Black history!
You know UPN, kids?
"One on One"?
"Girlfriends"?
"Cuts"? "Eve"?
"All of Us"!
"Half and Half"!
Nothing?
"Veronica Mars"!
- You better not.
- I'm sorry--they're all nine.
So no.
Kids, when I say
as-salaam-alaikum, you say--
Wa-alaikum-salaam, my sister.
That is correct,
my young king.
Very good.
Now today, I'm here
to talk to you about my new
self-published
pre-Pulitzer book!
Isn't every book
pre-Pulitzer?
- "Charlotte's Web"!
- Yes!
"Of Lies"!
Well, at least there's still a pig!
You like pigs?
Huh?
No, no, no, my young queen!
See, see, see, the FDA
funds the swine industry
to destabilize
the Black community.
Is that what you want?
Do you like bacon?
Well, bacon breaks down
to bae-con!
"Bae," 'cause they wanna
cozy up to us,
and "con," because it's been
a conspiracy the whole time!
You think it's breakfast.
I say it's a travesty.
Oh, fun!
Class, isn't it fun
to hear new ideas?
No matter how strange.
Remember our opinion sock.
Opinionsif you
just have one, it's no fun!
- Right?
- A white sock
with a pink toe in a class
full of Black children?
It's a sock.
It's probably made
out of cotton too.
That's what
they make socks out of!
Lord Jesus.
You know what?
You know what kind
of sock I have?
No sock! Okay?
You don't have
any lotion on either, but--
Because it's white!
- Yes?
- What kind of doctor are you?
Great question, Jacoby.
Pre-PhD.
It says it right here.
- That's not a thing.
- In the writing.
- Typed it myself.
- My dad's a nutritionist.
Can't you just teach us about
the food pyramid or something?
Okay, that's a child.
You wanna learn about pyramids?
The food pyramid.
Chapter eight! Pyramids!
And other things white people
would rather give
aliens credit for
than Black people!
- See, see, see!
- See, see, see.
See, see, see.
See, see, see.
My hair?
Yes, I did cut it.
My roommate says I look like
Chaka Khan.
Four divided by two is
anyone?
Yes, Hailey.
Hadassah.
Hm. Thank you.
It'll ring soon.
Keep it quick!
Okay, so four
divided by two is
another Black family broken up
by the oppressor!
See, see, see,
the division symbol itself
represents the Black man
and the Black woman separated
by the wall of white supremacy.
Four divided by two equals two.
So see, see, see your way
back to your seat, Hailey.
See, see, see!
See, see, see shore chuckle!
Laughter is not
the best medicine!
African Black soap is.
Everybody knows that.
Class, let's be nice.
Yes, Dr. Hadassah has shared
some unique perspectives
with us today,
but that's no need to be rude,
and I'll read the website
more closely next time.
- Sorry.
- Well, I, for one,
am very, very intrigued.
Raheem's dad.
Pardon the intrusion, Ms. Frost.
I need to pick up
my seed early.
Balal's Brothers are performin'
at Hilltop Coffee at 1:00 p.m.
Yeah, great reason to take
a kid away from school.
Peace, most high queen.
Peace and Black power,
my most respected
and chiseled king.
Please, just call me
Supreme Ramik.
Your eyes
- they areso Egyptian.
- Thank you, my pharaoh.
I don't think I've ever
seen a brow that manly.
How did you do it?
I was carved out
of the homeland.
- Oh.
- What is happening?
I love your stones.
Where did you get these?
- Swap meet.
- Me too.
Mm, and your scent
oh
like a cherry blossom
by the airport.
- Mm
- Mm
- Mm.
- Mm.
- Mm
- Mm-mm-mm-mm.
Rahim, you ready?
Yeah, you know what?
Take him.
I'm tired of being addressed
as "female."
- Um, I have an extra ticket.
- Yes.
Allow me to escort you.
Okay, open your math books.
Learn something.
Marcus,
your dad's still single, right?
I'm scared, baby.
I'm scared.
I just hope she's okay.
You know, baby?
She's gonna be all right.
Your sister can win
a arm wrestling match
- against Busta Rhymes.
- She did.
She can do anything.
I really hope so, baby,
because Jamisha's
my only twin sister.
- Mr. and Mrs. Matthews?
- It's the nurse, baby.
So Jamisha's WBC was mad low,
nah mean?
So we gave her IV
of AB negative, nah mean?
- Nah, I'm positive I don't
know what you mean.
Look, the only letters
I care about is
is-my-twin-okay?
Yo, my wife
is stressin' right now.
Stressin' right now.
Okay?
So what do you mean?
Well, at least she not DOA.
Nenemean?
But with her DOB though, she
either have a DNR.
Know wah mean?
- I don't know what she means.
- Nah, nah.
We don't know what you mean
Deadass,
what are you talking about?
- At all.
- Okay, when I get a EKGs,
I will give you an update
ASAP, you know I mean?
Yer!
Okay, good, a doctor.
'Cause purple suit is wylin'!
- Mm-mm-mm.
- Doc, I just need to know
if my twinnie's gonna be okay,
all right?
She's the peppermint
for my pickle.
So please just use words,
no more acronyms.
Okay, well let me
be perfectly clear.
- All right.
- The atherosclerotic plaque
was removed
during cardioplegia,
avoiding
thromboembolism or whatever.
avoiding
thromboembolism or whatever.
The fuck!
Oh, I mean, uh,
you know, I didn't mean
to be all like that.
You know what I mean?
Let me say it
a little bit more polite.
Uh
what the fuck?
- Oh, okay.
- Doctor, my twin and I
have a really special
twin connection.
My heart is her heart.
So whatever happens to her
heart is gonna happen to mine!
I need to know
what to worry about.
That's not science, but um,
let me see, let me see.
Uhoh, okay.
Well, that's
arrhythmia atrial fibrillation,
post-operative
cognitive decline or whatever.
You know, aorta
complications or whatever.
Yo, you ain't even makin' no sense!
Yo, you buggin' right now!
I say you buggin'!
You know what?
I'm tellin' you--
- Code red,
niggas wylin' in the ICU.
Code red,
niggas wylin' in the ICU.
Oh, baby, stop!
Oh, my God, just tell me--
is my sister alive or not?
Am I still a twin?
Am I still a twin?
I don't know,
let me look at you.
I don't know.
Well, she's being
monitored closely or whatever.
But with the mortality rate
or whatever,
and then when you factor in
comorbidities or whatever,
wrap that all
together or whatever,
and then you talk about it,
and then you live it in reverse
or whatever,
like, uh, you know what I mean?
Like, eh, whatever.
It's clear now?
- Another ass-kicking
on the eighth floor,
Tekashi69's been
talking shit again.
Doctor, I just need to know
if Jamisha's gonna ja-make it,
because we were
supposed to go to Jamaica.
Oh! Okay, okay.
- Oh, oh--
- Okay, okay.
That's just my man.
He sent 143.
Okay, does it say anything
on my sister on that pager?
Oh
Well, it seems
your sister has succumbed--
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.
You better not say,
"or whatever."
Nah, nah,
I wasn't gonna say that.
- Deadass?
- I wasn't gonna say that.
- You better not.
- Nah, nah.
I was gonna say, um,
look over there.
Or whatever.
Oh, it was supposed to be ja-me!
Oh, God!
I know, baby!
Wow.
I didn't have time to put the--
the music with the graphic.
But you get it!
Yeah, that's my pitch
for my new medical drama,
- "Trey's Anatomy."
- Right, okay.
It's a drama with a lot
of physical comedy.
- How does that work?
- Normally on TV,
when you see Black doctors,
they're good at being doctors.
These doctors are bad.
They're very uneducated,
- and that's fun.
- Yes, yes.
- No, I understand.
- Thank you.
So can you fix my cable?
- Oh, yes, ma'am.
- Okay, thank you.
What are you doing
for lunch later?
- There was no apocalypse.
There was no fortified house.
I must not speak auto-tune,
'cause I know
I fortified a house.
- There was no
fully-stocked warehouse.
No, wait, 'cause where
did I courier that package?
- There were
no other friends--
- just you four the whole time.
- What about Kevin?
- We created
those realities to--
If we're creating realities,
can I trade them
for Daniel Kaluuya?
Can y'all stop asking
about men?
Please! This is serious.
We've been
mind-controlled and kidnapped,
and y'all said
if we ever met Daniel Kaluuya,
- I could have him.
- Nobody said that.
You did--
You all said it
at the same time in unison.
You probably forgot because
we were mind-controlled.
- No--
- Enough.
We've been preparing
for the next phase.
You will not be released
until you're ready.
Wait, ready?
What happens when we're ready?
- Well, fuck this.
- Uh-uh! Where you goin'?
Out of here.
You heard the voice.
The end of the world was a lie,
okay?
That means everyone else
is still alive.
I have to call my mom.
- We're sorry,
your call cannot be completed
because we've trapped you
in this penthouse
until you
complete your mission.
Hell no.
Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no.
- No, bitch.
- What, let me out!
- No way!
- There's no handle!
Uh-oh.
So we trapped-trapped.
Okay, drinking time!
Drinking time!
Ladies, I got a good feeling
about this new equation.
You always got
a good feeling, Clotia.
Like that time you thought
James Baldwin
was hittin on you
in the Cotton Club.
He said he liked my hair.
Button it up, ladies!
All right?
We got work to do.
Ever since the Hidden Figures
put a man into space,
they expect us
to send one through time.
But they had NASA funding.
Our time travel machine project
is being sponsored by Tide.
Now, how are we going to walk
the space-time continuum
with nothing but an abacus
and unlimited detergent?
Oh!
Did we do it?
I think we did it!
Nope.
Still here
freezing in the shadows
of Mary, Dorothy,
and Catherine.
Don't be so hard on yourself,
Verniece.
Be hard on that there Clotia.
Mm-hmm.
It was your bright idea that
had us put our time machine
in the same place
we keep our mops.
Well, if we put it in the bathroom,
where would we eat lunch?
You know, don't get me wrong.
A win for one of us
is a win for all of us.
But we been at this
for two years!
- Two.
- And every one of our theories
is like the concept
of "separate but equal"--
- completely hypothetical!
- Hypothetical.
Ha! We don't even know
- if time travel is possible.
- I mean, who knows?
Look, I didn't wanna say it, ladies,
but we are the laughing stock
of the building.
You know
what the janitors call us?
- I don't wanna hear.
- They call us
"The Didn't Figures."
Okay, my mother was right.
She said women don't belong
in the workplace, and I--
What in the Sam Cooke?
- Where did she go?
- I don't know!
I just wanted her to calm down.
Congratulations, J. Edgar Hoover.
You made her disappear!
I am so sorry!
- Are you okay?
- Dr. King!
Something bad's gonna happen!
We gotta go back!
Wha--oh, my goodness.
I slapped her silly.
No, but you did slap me
into next week.
With this mark on my face,
we're gonna make
our mark on history.
We invented time travel!
That's genius!
Okay, if I slapped you
into next week,
maybe we can extrapolate
that the higher the intensity,
the greater
the slap-time trajectory.
Great!
Let me pop that on my ab--
What, what?
I was just testing
your hypothesis--
the trajectory and whatnot.
No, that slap sounded like
it had a history behind it.
Did you save Dr. King?
No, you slapped me
into last week.
- Oh.
- Apparently, a backhand slap
inverts the course
of time travel.
We don't have time for cake.
I wasn't done!
God knows when the hell
you sent that.
Okay, guys, let's not fight.
We have to keep trying--
whatever it takes.
We're so close.
- I know it.
- Ha! I got it.
We just need a fresh cheek.
Oh, no.
I can't get slapped today.
I have
a family photo tomorrow--
Oh, Clotia,
whatever happened to,
"We gotta keep trying--
whatever it takes"?
Now, who the hell is this?
This is Otis,
and he all kinds of fine.
And he's all kinds of married.
Well, darn it, Faye.
Not all of us are married.
Some of us have to
time travel for love.
Forget that man.
We can't give up.
All right, now what
are we supposed to do?
- Come on, pick your knees up!
Good form out there!
So Coach Bradley,
you've been able to take
the Mississippi Central track
team from worst to first--
- Whoo!
- In just a matter of weeks.
How'd you do it?
Well, you know,
it wasn't easy.
You know, Cari Champion,
when I got these girls,
they had less talent
than a pimp
pretending to be a professor.
Now, God dang it, Manila!
How are you supposed to run
in them sneaker pumps?
This is track practice,
not a Dru Hill concert!
Coach, you know I have asthma!
- The air's better up here.
- What?
Oh, man!
Do we have to run today?
- It's so hot!
- If you wanna keep
your partial scholarship,
you do!
You wanna keep
that $27 a month?
Huh? Now get down!
Here we go!
Man, let me tell you something.
They were so bad!
We had 'em doing
fake injury drills,
just trying to slide through
the regionals on sympathy.
- Go, go!
- Ow, my back!
I sprained it.
Ow.
Nice one, Manila!
Very believable.
- Fake injury drills?
- Yeah, fake injury drills.
- Just out there, like--
- My hammie's gone!
Good, good!
Stay down there and believe it!
Believe you really pulled it!
No, I really did pull it, Coach.
- Ow!
- God damn it!
Ow!
Now, come on!
You are more useless
than a self-trained doula
when it counts.
How am I supposed to have you
fake an injury
when you got a real injury?
God dang it!
Did you ever think of just
old-school running drills,
- knees up?
- Yeah, of course I did.
- Everybody, stripper thighs!
- Coach!
I don't see
the applications of this!
It didn't help,
these girls are terrible!
Listen, they were out there.
They were slower
than a snail on a swamp tree.
They had less form
than a pound of Play-Doh
and the balance
of a drunk beetle.
You have won every single
meet within the last two weeks.
- How were you able to do that?
- Honestly, it's magic.
Oh, okay.
That's cute.
- White girl magic, I get it.
- No.
Make like A Tribe Called Quest
and clean out your ears, Q-tip.
We got a secret weapon.
- This my camera?
- That's your camera, Coach.
Blade, the magician.
Picture your card,
and I will penetrate your mind.
Well, that sounds nasty,
and it's too hot for me
to be using my imagination.
Oh, just pick a card, Celia!
Queen of hearts.
How'd you do that?
No!
That's it!
Run girls, run!
Them girls see magic, and they
run like a bat out of hell.
I'm tellin' ya,
when they see one trick,
don't call 'em
Quavo,
'cause they take off.
Abra, kadab--no, no!
Now, it has gotten us
disqualified from a few meets.
Okay, that has happened.
Wrong way, Manila!
They have run the wrong way
when they get scared,
but for the most part,
- it's a solid strategy.
- Fascinating
- for our viewers and for me.
- Yeah.
Just for clarity here,
but critics will say
this is considered
cheating, though.
How would you respond?
How would I respond
to that malarkey?
Kiss my ass, whoo!
Pucker up on my butt.
All right,
so this is it, Coach--
the last heat before Nationals.
So what's the strategy?
Talk me through it.
- Blade!
- Oh, okay
Blade, go get out there,
and do so magic!
- Plain and simple!
- Okay.
Watch this, watch this.
Fear is a beautiful motivator.
Speaking of beauty
Whoo!
Now all they have to do
is trust
their religious upbringing,
their superstitions, or their
general dislike for magic.
Get 'em across
that finish line.
Whoo! Lookin' good!
- Cari Champion.
- Oh, this is a good one.
- Is this your card?
- Aw, hell no!
Coach, I don't fuck with magic!
Well, she wanted this.
Oh! Run, you idiots!
Please don't disappear
before you pay my money.
I'mma Venmo you!
There has to be a way out.
It won't open.
It won't open.
It won't open.
It won't open.
It won't open.
It won't open.
Oh, wait. It opened.
I can't do this again.
I can't.
I can't. I can't--not again!
I know yo mama
was the last time
some of y'all niggas
saw a pussy.
You know what
I'm talkin' about?
Y'all have been great.
You've been a great crowd.
I've been Nora,
like Dora, but a nigga.
Okay, good night.
Okay, our next comedian
has never been on
Comedy Central or "ComicView."
Why would you write that down--
I've--okay.
Give it up for Kisha.
Ha ha!
Hey, how y'all doin'?
How y'all doin' tonight?
I'm Kisha!
Y'all look gooder than
a Honda with all its hubcaps!
You got a car, ma'am?
You rich!
Oh, what else? What else?
You know, I'm just working
on some material.
Let's see what we got.
Oh, man. Hey, guess what.
I like my men
like I like my coffee--
instant!
Hurry up, sir!
Boo! You're a hack!
Oh, really? Oh, I'm a hack?
Would a hack
do a spot-on
impression of Rihanna
as a cashier at Kroger's?
Hey, give it up for yourselves!
Rihanna's funny.
You're not!
All right, we'll see.
What else?
Give it up--
clap it up for ganja.
How many y'all
like to smoke weed?
- Weed is great.
- I wish I was high for this.
Hey, speaking of apps,
you guys know that app, Venmo?
Man, what is up with Venmo?
I got a app.
It's called gimme-some-mo'!
- Kisha, stop.
- Who said that?
- Your father.
- Daddy?
You finally came
to see one of my shows?
- No, it's God,
your Heavenly Father.
Oh, snap! What up?
Mm, why'd you
freeze the audience?
- I was killin'.
- We aren't frozen.
We're bored.
- Kisha, you're never
gonna make it as a comedian,
and that's on me.
No, come on, God.
This audience is trash!
There's gold in here. Hold on.
Ain't nothin' in there.
Oh, okay.
How about this one?
My mama is so crazy
How crazy is she?
Come on, God.
Smite her.
And all of a sudden,
your God said,
"Give it a light,
and put it on me!"
Where did you
get a microphone?
What happened to you, Kisha?
I mean, my gynecologist has
better delivery than this.
Did you parents tell you
that you could be anything?
- Of course they did.
- They lied!
They should make a true crime
podcast based on her set,
'cause I've seen autopsies
better than this!
Hey, God, ask Mary Mary to
take the shackles off her jokes
so we can laugh!
God said,
"I can make the blind see,
but I can't
make that bitch funny!"
- Kisha, it's time.
In ten years, you've never
gotten a single laugh.
- I beg to differ.
- That kind of thick skin
will make you
a great flight attendant.
Spirit Airlines awaits.
God, she can't get on a plane!
All she does is bomb!
Oh, don't it feel good
to laugh?
This is what it's
supposed to sound like, Kisha!
She ate you up!
She just a regular lady!
I work in the post office.
Won't he do it?
Praise God.
By that was me. I was God.
I'm not saying that I am God.
But I am Kisha's pastor,
and I can't stand her ass.
You know,
Kisha has told me many times
that she wants to find God,
and I say,
"Well, it's all right,
he ain't lookin' for you.
You good."
I heard that, pastor!
Ho, ho, ho, yes!
Got to be ready!
- Y'all had me thinkin' I sucked.
- You do!
Especially you,
post office lady.
Y'all just added
another four minutes
to my tight five.
What else? What else?
Oil up your shins
and get on the track.
I'ma show you some things.
Why my shins, Coach?
- You'll see.
- I'ma switch to fencin'.
- What?
- With the epee and the rapier.
Soundin' like you took
your teeth out,
but put 'em back in backwards.
I told y'all crowd work
is my specialty.
Hey, you live on a farm?
How are them cornrows?
There's a naked
antelope somewhere.
Do you know--
and a horse--your hair!
You know one time--
one time,
I went to go see my doctor,
and you know, he said, "Uh-oh,
it's a yeast infection!"
And I said, "Ha,
you think I didn't know that?"
You know,
I just got back from Africa.
Wakanda jokes
y'all lookin' for?
What else?
Hey, speaking of Oprah,
here's my impression
of Stedman.
You know what I'm sayin'?
Boring.
Hey, man, why are cats and dogs
so different?
You know what I'm sayin'?
One be like,
"Woof, woof, woof."
Other one be like, "Meow."
Get it together.
Y'all live in the same house!
Give it up for me!
Yeah. Y'all clap weird.