Batman (1966) s03e01 Episode Script

NARRATOR".
Every day in Gotham City brings new surprises but this day is going to top them all.
Although it begins none too differently, just wait.
Just wait.
Well, we've managed to clip Catwoman's claws once again.
She won't be troubling Gotham City for a long while.
She sure led us a chase, Batman.
If I never hear another one of those meows, it'll be too soon.
I'm afraid your eardrums aren't going to get much rest or had you forgotten that we invited Chief O'Hara and Commissioner Gordon to the opera tonight? That's right.
Batman, maybe I should stay home tonight.
Homework, you know? I think you should acquire a taste for opera, Robin, as one does for poetry and olives.
Besides, Commissioner Gordon is bringing his daughter, Barbara, along as my date.
So? So tonight is Dick Grayson's night for musical appreciation and the social amenities.
NARRATOR".
While at the Gotham City Library, where one of the newer librarians is leaving for her night of culture and social graces - Good night, Drusilla.
See you in the morning.
-Good night, Barbara.
Gotham City Public Library.
Oh, Commissioner Gordon, how are you? I'm fine.
Thank you.
Yes, she's right here.
Just a moment.
-It's your father, Barbara.
-Hi, Daddy.
You haven't forgotten about the opera, have you? How could I? It's The Marriage of Figaro, my very favorite opera.
Besides, um, I'm looking forward to seeing our host, millionaire Bruce Wayne.
Well, he's gonna get quite a surprise tonight.
He hasn't seen you since you went away to college four years ago.
And you're twice as pretty now as you were then.
Ha, ha.
Another one of your unbiased opinions, Daddy.
Any good police commissioner must always remain unbiased, Barbara.
Ha, ha.
Seven, your apartment.
Bruce Wayne is meeting us there to pick you up.
- I'll be ready.
- Bye.
Bye.
NARRATOR".
Later, Barbara Gordon enters the lobby of her midtown apartment house unaware of imminent danger.
Welcome to the cage, my wild dove.
Hwah, hwah, hwah.
- Penguin.
-What a tasty little squab she is too.
Trust Penguin to have a surefire recipe for pigeon pie.
Hwah, hwah, hwah.
Barbara.
That's odd, Chief O'Hara.
Maybe she just stepped out for a minute, commissioner.
But she knew we'd be here at 7.
And that afternoon paper was delivered hours ago.
Why didn't she take it inside? Uh Ha, ha.
Our secret.
Looks as if she hasn't even been home from work.
I don't understand it.
Where can she be? NARRATOR".
You'd be very surprised to find out, commissioner for your daughter is only 20 feet away from you in the very next apartment.
You'll have to admit, this is a stroke of genius, my love.
Hiding you out in this vacant apartment right next to your very own.
It's the last place in Gotham City anybody would think of looking for you.
What's going on there? Gordon and O'Hara just went into the apartment, Pengy.
And here comes Bruce Wayne and that witless ward of his.
I think it's time for my surprise telephone call.
Hello, commissioner, Chief O'Hara.
- Where's Barbara? -She's not here.
- Not here? -And I'm worried.
It's not like her at all.
That's probably her calling you right now.
I hope you're right, Chief O'Hara.
- Hello? -Hello, commissioner.
Police Commissioner Gordon? Guess who this is.
Hwah, hwah, hwah! Penguin.
It's Penguin.
Yes, I just called to say hello, commissioner.
By the way, you didn't happen to be missing anything lately, did you? Missing? Miss-- Barbara.
You've got Barbara, you feathered fiend.
Hush, hush, sir.
Is that any way to speak to your daughter's guardian? Penguin, if you harm her if you so much as touch one hair on her head I'll-- I'll-- - You'll do what? -I'll-- Let me talk to him, commissioner.
This is Bruce Wayne.
Oh, the millionaire joyboy.
What can I do for you? Penguin, I'll pay whatever price you ask, as long as you do not harm Barbara Gordon.
Harm her? Fa! I'm gonna make her the happiest girl in Gotham City.
And you might take a look at this evening's Gotham City Times.
- The Gotham City Times? -That's right.
The society section.
Hwah, hwah.
What was that about the Gotham City Times? He said something about the society page.
Let's see if I can find it.
- Oh, no.
-What is it, Bruce? What does it say? "The Penguin, well-known entrepreneur and man-about-town announced today his forthcoming marriage to Ms.
Barbara Gordon, daughter of police commissioner--" Marriage? What's going on? What does it mean, Bruce? Why, Barbara would never consent to marry that scoundrel.
Of course not, commissioner.
That's why he kidnapped her.
He'll threaten her and he'll force her to consent.
- But why? - By marrying your daughter Penguin becomes son-in-law of the commissioner.
Exactly, Dick.
He hopes to gain immunity from prosecution by becoming a member of the family, as it were.
And I think he fully intends to go through with it, commissioner.
There is only one man who can help me.
Batman? Yes, chief.
Batman.
I'm afraid you'll have to go without us.
Well, we're in no mood for the opera, commissioner.
If there's anything I can do, you can telephone me at Wayne Manor.
Thank you, Bruce, from the bottom of a father's heart.
Yeah, my sweet guinea hen.
Soon, you and I will be joined in the holy bonds of matrimony.
Really, Penguin, all that waddling around you do must have scrambled your brains.
Don't be cocky, my little chicken.
If you won't marry me, I'll have to put plan B into operation which is being rehearsed right over there.
Show plan B to my little bride-to-be, boys.
Penguin, you monster.
You wouldn't dare hurt my father.
Oh, yes, I would, and I will.
Now, you make up your mind.
Either you become my bride or you become an orphan.
Which is it? - Put plan B into operation.
-No.
I'll marry you.
Just leave my father alone.
That's what I like to hear.
Obedience.
That is the first wifely virtue.
Now, a couple of you finks go on out, and put the snatch on a minister.
Quick.
What kind of minister, Pengy? Any minister, you fink.
I wanna get this thing over with before the Dynamic Dunderheads put the snatch on me.
Don't worry, boss.
We'll get you to the church on time.
That's it.
Here you are, my love.
Now, I'll tell you that in the adjacent bedroom is a lovely wedding gown.
I want you to put it on and wear it with radiance like any blushing bride.
I am not blushing.
- I'm furious! -Ooh.
Yes, commissioner.
Mm.
Yes, I suspected as much.
Robin and I knew something was wrong as soon as we saw the evening paper.
We'll use the Batcomputer to make a list of all of Penguin's hideouts.
We'll telephone as soon as it finishes.
We'll get her back, commissioner.
Where's Alfred? He can give us a hand with the computations.
Unfortunately, Robin, he's out for the evening.
He's meeting with his minister to discuss a church supper.
I do hope the church supper is a success, Alfred.
We badly need the money for our summer camp.
- I'm sure it will be, Reverend Hazlitt.
-If it is successful the congregation will owe you a great debt of thanks.
The only thanks I need is the knowledge that some underprivileged youngsters will have a chance to enjoy a few weeks in the country this summer.
All right, which one of you is the minister? - Why do you ask? -Because we're taking him with us, pops.
- Are you it'? -Yes.
- Wait-- I shall be quite all right, I assure you.
Tie that one up.
I'll take the preacher back to the hideout.
- Move it, preach.
-I beg your pardon? I said, move it.
Of course.
Did you hear something, Robin? It's Alfred's emergency belt-buckle Batcall signal.
- He's in trouble.
-Holy complications.
First Barbara Gordon is kidnapped, now Alfred is in trouble.
Yes, it's just possible that the two events are related.
But how, Batman? I don't know.
Yet.
The first thing to do is to locate Alfred.
Man the Batradarscope.
Roger.
- Batradarscope on.
-Check.
I'll feed Alfred's signal into the Batradarscope.
Got it.
He's at location B-7642.
"B-7642.
" Holy complications indeed, Robin.
This is one of Penguin's possible hideouts.
To the Batmobile.
A number one hitch and no slipup.
Now, the ravishing bride is in there.
Come on, coach her on her lines.
If I don't hear a nice "I do" you'll be visiting heaven instead of talking about it.
- Miss? -Reverend.
There's no time to explain.
I must trust in your discretion as a man of the cloth.
You mustn't reveal my secret.
But I don't know your secret.
I don't even know who you are.
Not now, Charlie.
I'm in a hurry.
NARRATOR".
What in the world is this? Revolving walls? Hidden rooms? Disguises? What is Barbara Gordon's secret? You are about to witness the coup of the century.
The world's leading arch criminal becomes the son-in-law of the police commissioner.
I don't know whether to call him "Daddy" or just "commish.
" If I were you, Penguin, I'd call help right now.
When we get through with you, you'll be hollering "uncle" instead of "Daddy.
" Oh, you bungling buttinskies always sticking your nose into my business.
This time I'm gonna teach you a lesson.
As long as you're holding classes, Penguin, perhaps you'd include Batgirl too.
"Batgirl? "Batgirl? "Batgirl? "Batgirl? Bats.
I'm surrounded by bats.
Never mind.
I'll teach you a lesson myself.
Go on.
Go on.
Give it to them! Well, get them over here! I don't know who you are, but you certainly know how to handle yourself well.
Holy agility, I'll say.
Thank you, Dynamic Duo.
I'm sure you could've handled these crooks without my help but I was glad for the chance to join in the fun.
I can understand your enjoyment.
However, our purpose here is quite serious.
Oh, crime fighting is a serious matter to me too, Batman but we might as well get a few laughs out of it.
Perhaps some other time.
Criminals like Penguin are dangerous and deadly.
We'd better see if Barbara Gordon's all right.
- Are you all right in there? -Quite, sir.
- Who's that? - Alfred.
Millionaire Bruce Wayne's butler, sir.
We'll have you out as soon as we can Bat-pick this lock, Alfred.
Bat-tools, Robin.
Of course, we could always borrow a hairpin from Batgi-- She's gone.
Shouldn't we go after her? At least find out who she is? Not now, Robin.
Let's get back to work on this lock.
Yeah.
So much for the Masked Meddlers, huh? Now, hurry up.
UP- UP- Oh, we must get to our alternate hideout.
The fuzz will be all over the place.
Come here.
Come here.
Come here.
Over here.
I want you to bag those Dim Dynamics there and throw them out the window into the truck.
We'll take care of them later.
Get out of the way.
Get them over here.
Let me get these two in here.
I got another key.
All right.
Now, bag that preacher and my prospective bride-to-be, will you? Bring her over here.
Hurry up, you clods.
Hurry up, will you? Throw them out.
Come on, you two, throw them out.
Close that bag.
That's right.
Over here.
Get them.
Throw them over here.
Now, lower yourselves.
Lower yourselves.
Oh, yeah.
Now the groom.
All right, take it away! NARRATOR".
Now what? Another surprise? A Batgirl Cycle in a secret freight elevator? Here comes the bride, all bagged and tied Well, Dynamic Dupes how does it feel to be a couple of human tea bags? Steaming us to death will do you no good, Penguin.
- The law will get you in the end.
-I am merely going to dunk you a little.
But before I do dunk you, I think I'll let my prospective bride out of the bag so she can see what'll happen if she doesn't cooperate.
Get out, little cutie pie.
Come on-- Oh, it's the preacher.
Well, you better watch the dunking too, in case you get any ideas of making trouble.
Now my little bride.
Oh, excuse me, sir.
Hwah! Grab him.
Grab him.
Grab him.
Oh, it's into the pot with you, sir right after you've performed my marriage, yeah? Before you throw everyone in the pot, Penguin you may find yourself in hot water.
Batgirl.
How did you find this place? I just adore weddings, Penguin.
Well, funerals before weddings, Batgirl.
Get her.
- Alfred's really giving it to them.
-So is Batgirl.
Sorry it took me so long, sir, but I had a little bird trouble on the way.
Ha, ha.
Hwah, hwah, hwah! You're not a minister at all.
I heard you tell Batman you were Bruce Wayne's butler.
Yes.
I'm afraid that's true, Ms.
Gordon-- Uh, Batgirl.
You tricked me into revealing my secret by posing as a minister.
But I had no intention of tricking you.
I only took the Reverend Hazlitt's place because I wanted to protect him from being injured by Penguin's thugs.
Well, then I apologize.
That was a very brave thing to do, Alfred.
But the fact remains, you do know my secret, my dual identity.
And you must swear never to reveal it to anyone.
- Well, really, Batgirl, I-- -No, Alfred, you must swear.
If you reveal my identity to anyone, I'll be of no further use as a crime-fighter.
You wouldn't take advantage of a woman's trust, would you? Now, you must swear, as a gentleman's gentleman.
Very well.
You have my word as a gentleman's gentleman that no one will ever learn your secret from me.
Thank you, Alfred.
I must make a quick change.
It's time to bag the bird, huh, Batman? I think so, Robin.
Birds are out of season.
Get away.
There'll be no bird-bagging here.
Get away.
Get away.
Unhand me, you poacher.
Hwah, hwah, hwah.
- Where is Barbara Gordon? -I placed her out sight to avoid all danger in the fighting.
-Good show, Alfred.
What happened, Batman? Is that horrible man gone? He's temporarily out of circulation.
Are you all right, Ms.
Gordon? Yes, just never been proposed to at umbrellapoint before.
You're quite safe now, Ms.
Gordon.
His umbrellas are closed.
Thanks to you, Batman.
I'm sorry to be so helpless.
Alfred, where's Batgirl? Oh, she left a few minutes ago, sir.
She said she had other business to attend to.
I expect we haven't seen the last of her.
I shouldn't be at all surprised, sir.
Who is this Batgirl? That's what we'd all like to know.
Whoever she is behind that mask of hers - she helped us out of a dire dilemma.
- Oh, yes.
Think how horrible it would have been to be married to the Penguin.
Hwah, hwah, hwah.
Horrible? To be married to me? Fa.
You can't imagine such bliss.
Fine score on your driving test.
How does it feel to have a license? Well, it's gonna be a little easier on Batman now that Robin can drive.
Let's, uh, stick to Dick Grayson for a moment.
How would you like to, uh, drive this? This? Me? Since you got your license on your birthday, you deserve a little something special.
A little something? Gosh, Bruce, this is great.
Oh, this is great, Chief O'Hara.
A very sizable check from millionaire Bruce Wayne for our police pension fund.
Ha, ha! I must call him at once and thank him.
- Bonnie? Bonnie--? - Ha, ha.
- What--? - Riddle me this.
Good heavens, the Riddler.
Very good.
Now, when is a jet stream like a daffodil? A jet stream like a daffodil? Riddler.
Riddler.
He's gone.
But what--? Bonnie told me we had trouble with cross lines all morning.
Then I'd better cross Riddler's line with Batman's, quick.
NARRATOR".
The Riddler, back to puzzle and perplex the Dynamic Duo? Be sure to watch the next episode.
Gosh, Bruce, what's that? It's a Bat-alert Buzzer connected to the phone in the Batcave as in our other cars.
Let's go.
Remember, this is not the Batmobile.
Don't worry, Bruce.
Highway safety is every citizen's prime responsibility.