Clarkson's Farm (2021) s03e01 Episode Script

1
["White Room" by Cream playing]
In the white room ♪
With black curtains ♪
Near the station ♪
Black roof country ♪
No gold pavements ♪
Tired starlings ♪
Silver horses ran down moonbeams ♪
In your dark eyes ♪
[Jeremy] Welcome back
to Clarkson's Farm.
It's the middle of August in 2022.
[Lisa] You're welcome. Thanks.
Where have you come from?
[Jeremy] And everything
seems to be familiar
[Charlie] It's dry.
[Jeremy] And bucolic
and wonderful.
[cows mooing]
[Jeremy] But I'm afraid that
behind the scenes,
it isn't wonderful at all, because
everything that could go wrong
has gone wrong.
[theme music playing]
[upbeat music]
[Jeremy] Let's start with the weather.
After the driest summer for 87 years,
the ground is parched
and as hard as concrete.
And as a result,
the crops are taking a battering.
[Charlie] So trying to grow potatoes
where there's no moisture
Look, the skin's set.
So it's not gonna grow anymore.
[Jeremy] What do you mean?
You know, new potatoes,
if you did that you'd rub the skin off.
- Like a Jersey Royal?
- Like a Jersey Royal.
But these have now set their skin
to stop them losing moisture.
- So that's as big as it's gonna get?
- Yeah.
Shit.
[Jeremy] Kaleb had a go at harvesting
these potato pebbles,
but it was hopeless.
[Kaleb] No, I'm just
dropping them all, look.
The potatoes are that small,
they're falling between the rollers.
It's just dropping them on the top.
[Jeremy] In the next field along,
the sunflowers were suffering too.
[Charlie] Look. It's coming to the end
of August.
These flowers have gotta mature, ripen,
in time for us to harvest them.
- Well, is this seed ready?
- No.
- That's useless.
- We won't be able to harvest these?
It's pointless. No.
[Jeremy] For fuck's sake.
[music continues]
[Jeremy] Next, there was the echium,
a sort of plant-based fish oil
which I'd been told would net me
a fortune if it grew well.
Is that it?
[Kaleb] Not a lot, is there?
That's just the That's
One field of spelt wheat
produced that much.
One field of echium has produced that.
Bloody hell.
[Jeremy] The dryness of the soil
also meant
that planting next year's oilseed rape
was a non-starter.
[Charlie] Look. Oh God, that's
[Jeremy] I went down a foot
the other day. There's nothing.
So if we try and drill rape into that,
it's not gonna grow.
[Jeremy] On top of all this,
there was the pretty little restaurant,
which we'd opened earlier in the summer
to sell the food we'd grown
and reared on the farm.
- [Gerald] Cheers, guys.
- Cheers.
[Jeremy] But after just six weeks
[ominous music]
The council served us
with an enforcement notice,
telling us it had to close.
[Jeremy] Welcome, everybody.
How are you?
[Charlie] I'm particularly proud
of the durum wheat,
'cause it normally grows in Italy.
- [man] Everyone looks very full.
- [woman] More brisket?
[Jeremy] Thank you for coming.
[Jeremy] Enforcement notice.
"What you are required to do
within six weeks of the date
on which this notice comes into effect."
"Cease use of any part of the land
for sale or provision
of food or drinks
to members of the public
or for consumption on the land.
Cease use of any part of the land
as a restaurant or a café."
Even though we're allowed to.
"Cease use of any part of the land
for parking."
[Alan] What?
"Reinstate the land round the restaurant
to a condition
similar to that of the agricultural land
immediately surrounding it,
removing all hardcore
and other surfacing materials,
including gravel and stone chippings."
Why you can't have gravel on a farm,
I don't know. But anyway.
"Removing all other landscaping
materials, including wooden sleepers,
- wooden plank edging and wood chippings."
- [scoffs]
- The wood chip's just gonna rot.
- I know
They've gone completely mad.
"Removing all plants
and planting containers."
- You can't have plant pots on a farm?
- [Alan] Ridiculous.
We're going round and round in circles,
wasting a lot of fucking good money
- Your money. Permanently.
- Yes, and the tax payers'.
Well, everybody's money is just being
Pissing it up against the wall.
It's a joke. All the effort we put in
and we're back on square one.
[dramatic music]
[Jeremy] With the restaurant shut down,
we could no longer afford
to keep all the cows.
We could hang onto the calves
to fatten them up
but their mums would have to go.
[cows mooing]
We bought 19. They had 8, so that's 27.
Killed 2, 25.
- Correct.
- We're keeping
Twelve.
So 13 are going
Thirteen passports I have here.
[Kaleb] Dropping off.
[Jeremy] I'm finding today
really quite sad.
It's 'cause for the last year,
I've been opening the windows,
opening the curtains in the morning,
and there are the cows. And I love that.
Making cow noises.
It just cheers my heart every morning
to see them.
Are the calves going to be
a bit upset tonight?
- [Kaleb] You're not gonna sleep tonight.
- [Charlie] No.
- [Jeremy] They won't?
- [Charlie] No.
No, you won't sleep.
They'll be calling all night long.
[cows mooing]
- Can I ask? Peppa's going, obviously.
- Yeah.
What do you think will become of her?
[Charlie] I wouldn't ask
too many questions about Pepper.
Don't ask questions
you don't want to know the answer to.
[cows mooing]
[sighing] Oh, Christ.
[Jeremy] All we had left of the departed
was some touching phone-camera memories.
[Lisa] Oh, look!
No! No! No! No!
Out of there. No, you too. Out.
Out! No, not my flowers!
Get out!
Go on, shoo. Shoo.
You too, shoo. Shoo.
[cow mooing]
Jeremy?
[Lisa sighing]
- Cup of tea?
- Yeah.
[sniffing] Okay.
[Lisa sighing]
[Lisa] It's not like we're not keeping
a few.
- [Jeremy] No, we've got quite a few.
- [Lisa] Yeah.
[Jeremy] It could be
all the ones we gave birth to.
[soft music]
[Jeremy] With more than half the herd
gone,
my eco-friendly plan to get the cows
and hens working in tandem
to fertilise the soil was in tatters.
Soil, look, Charlie.
- [Jeremy] All good for the soil.
- [Charlie] New soil.
Yeah, but thanks to
West Oxfordshire District Council,
we have to use chemicals from now on.
- We've got nitrogen.
- I know.
[Jeremy] And, as Cheerful Charlie
then explained,
this was not the year
to be buying chemical fertiliser.
[Charlie] We've gotta be realistic
about the projections for harvest '23.
- This is the wheat price.
- [Jeremy] Yeah.
[Charlie] And if you look at
the blue line,
where it peaked at over
350 pounds a ton
- [Jeremy] Is it falling?
- It's falling.
- [Jeremy] How's that happening?
- The war's still going on.
- It's now down to 200
- It's now just under 250.
So it's dropped a hundred pounds a ton.
You know we've got fertiliser prices
that have gone up?
How much did we pay for the fertiliser?
Just over 800 pounds a ton.
Three times more than normal.
Three times.
So that's gone up by three times.
And wheat price has come Oh fuck.
So last year, we had low growing costs.
This year, if we buy
the same amount of fertiliser,
it'll be 100,000 pounds you need
to spend on fertiliser alone.
- [Jeremy] It's terrible.
- Its
It could be bad if the yields are poor.
And also take gas price, fuel price.
Energy in terms of drying the grain.
Every way you turn
Farming's exposed to energy price.
Yeah.
[Jeremy] Not knowing what to do
about Charlie's grim forecast,
I went off to see Viktor,
our Ukrainian bee man
[Jeremy] All right, Viktor?
[Viktor] Hello, Jeremy.
[Jeremy] who was loading up the hives
so we could extract
the latest batch of honey.
[Jeremy] A lot of dead bees in here.
[Viktor] Ah, well, unfortunate, isn't it?
- It's like battle of Donbas.
- [both chuckle]
[Jeremy] How many pounds of honey
in there?
[Viktor] I would say roughly
box ten kilos.
- Ten kilos?
- [Viktor] A box. About a 100 pounds.
- That is Oh! That is all honey!
- Yeah.
You can see the bulging
on either side if you
- [Viktor] Yeah.
- That is just rammed full of honey.
- [Jeremy] We've got a lot of honey!
- Yeah.
It's the only thing
on the farm that's working.
[Viktor laughs]
Literally the only thing
that makes money.
[Jeremy] After my Viktor chat,
I had a thought.
Diddly Squat is mainly an arable farm,
but there must be other ways
of making money beside the crops.
So, I put my thinking cap on
and went for a walk,
with the ever-obedient dogs.
Heel.
Oi!
Sansa! Arya! Heel
Arya! Heel.
- [dog barking]
- Oh, shit.
- Sansa! Arya!
- [dog barking]
Sansa! Arya! Arya! Sansa!
[sighs]
There may be a small wait now
while they get back,
having determined
they can't catch the deer.
Bambi, in case you're worried,
is completely safe.
This is what I call the Hedge of Plenty.
It's got so much stuff growing in it.
It runs for half a mile or so.
It's about 30 feet thick,
as you can see here.
Full of berries.
Blackberries.
These are sloe berries. Sloes.
Elderflower.
So that's elderflower, sloe,
rose hips, blackberries,
apples, damsons, plums.
[Jeremy] After a little sit-down
with my special thinking juice,
I started to form a plan.
I've just been thinking.
This farm is a 1,000 acres,
but I only farm
about 500 acres.
The other 500 are
woods and wildflower meadows
and just stuff.
But the 500 acres I don't farm
are full of berries and
and apples and watercress
and wild garlic and deer.
So I wonder if you could farm
the unfarmed?
I wonder if I could make money
out of the bit of the farm
I'm not farming?
Council couldn't stop that, could they?
I mean, they could try
but they wouldn't be able to.
[Jeremy] In my head,
this was a good idea.
But making money from the woods
and the meadows and the hedges
would require a lot of work.
So I called a meeting
with my number two.
I've got something serious to say to you.
I've made a big decision.
You are no longer
the tractor driver on this farm.
[Kaleb] What am I then?
I've decided I'm gonna make you
farm manager.
- Really?
- [Jeremy] Yep.
I want you to run
the farming side of it.
You're fired.
- What?
- You're fired.
- No, you can't fire I'm the boss!
- I'm the farm manager.
- You're fired.
- I'm not fired.
You are.
I'm not, because you haven't heard
how this is gonna work.
Tell me that, then you're fired.
Here's how I want it to work.
I've got to concentrate this year
on making money
out of that bit of the farm
which isn't farmed.
- [Kaleb] Yes?
- You've never even been here.
No.
And then that means
I'm not gonna have the time
to really concentrate
on this bit of the farm.
On the arable. Yeah.
[Jeremy] So, I'm gonna put you
on the arable.
And I'm gonna concentrate on this.
- And I've just had a thought.
- Mm-hmm?
Why don't we make it a competition?
Who in the next 12 months
can make the most money:
me out of unfarmed land
- or you out of farmed land?
- Farmed land I like it.
So we'll get a whiteboard,
we'll put it on the wall,
and then it's Jeremy's profit and costs,
- Kaleb's profit and costs.
- Yeah.
Okay?
And then it'll run through the year.
Hmm?
[Jeremy] I think that'll be
quite good fun.
I think it'll be fun as well.
And I'm gonna win, so it's fine.
You aren't gonna win.
I'm gonna win this competition.
[scoffs] Right. Get out and get back on
your tractor and go manage the farm.
I don't need to now.
I'm gonna go have a nice walk round,
anal "analasyse" the soil.
- [Jeremy] "Analasyse"?
- Hmm.
[laughter]
That's a word, innit? "Analasyse"!
- No!
- "Analasyse"! It is!
[laughs] Analyse.
- Analyse.
- [Jeremy laughs]
[upbeat music]
[Jeremy] To get my "Farming
the Unfarmed" project off the ground,
I did some research.
And discovered that my local supermarket
was charging 6p a blackberry
Which meant my hedgerows
were fruity gold mines.
Look. 6p, 12, 24
There's 50p there.
Another 50p there, and there, and there.
A pound there.
There's 30 quid in this
one bush alone, easy.
[Jeremy] In order to maximise profits,
though,
I'd need to harvest them
as cheaply as possible.
So rather craftily I asked if I could
borrow a blackberry-picking machine
to see if I liked it.
[Jeremy] Shit
It's a bit bigger than I was expecting,
mate! [chuckles]
[driver] Just a bit bigger!
- How are you? Erm
- I'm well, thank you.
- We've got the grain wagon.
- Yes?
I'll just back him up. If you could pull
over to the right, is that all right?
Sorry, mate? Do you mind backing up?
So that that wagon can get through
and go over there? Is that all right?
Cheers, mate. Thanks.
[back-up beeper]
I'm a car-park attendant,
that's what I've become now.
[Kaleb] What are you doing?
I'm loading the lorry.
Yeah, well, it was in the way.
Your farming is in the way of my farming.
No, your farming's getting in the way
of my farming.
It isn't. I just need to get this in.
Look at that!
- You don't even know what it is, do you?
- [Kaleb] No What are you doing?
[Jeremy] Blackberry picking.
Load the wagon up and then come and see
real farming happening.
[Kaleb] "Real" farming my arse.
[upbeat music]
[Jeremy] Right.
Let my blackberry farming begin.
Okay, the first thing I've realised
is that my trailer is 25 yards wide.
If I meet a bus coming the other way,
the bus driver is going to be going home
with a blackberry-picking machine
fastened to his face like a moustache.
As you can probably see,
the blackberry-picking machine
is like an arch.
So I'm gonna try and harvest that hedge
to start with.
So I've gotta get
my blackberry-picking machine
to straddle this wall first of all.
[Jeremy] This, inevitably,
was easier said than done.
[Jeremy] Come on, come on,
come on, come on, come on.
No, no, no. Shit!
How on earth am I going to do this?
Ah.
No. Erm
Well, it's just not possible, is it?
[Jeremy] There was nothing for it.
I had to ask my business rival for help.
- [Jeremy] Right, you see that?
- Yeah.
- [Jeremy] It's an arch.
- Yeah.
[Jeremy] And you have to get that arch
to straddle this wall
Because we've gotta go
all the way down this wall
- to get to where the blackberries are.
- [Kaleb] Okay.
I can do it.
I bet he can't.
[Kaleb] Come on, Kaleb!
[laughs gleefully]
[Jeremy] Right, we're on.
We're hooked on.
I'm gonna go as straight as I can.
[Jeremy] Oh, there's a lot of fence
We're knocking all these fence posts off.
The whole wall is moving.
We're gonna be harvesting a wall
if you're not careful here.
[Jeremy] These blackberries
better be profitable.
[Jeremy on radio] Oh! That's blown
the whole wall right out!
- [Jeremy] Oh, sheee.
- [Kaleb on radio] Shit!
[Jeremy] How much further until
we get to what could be called
[Kaleb on radio] Wait.
This wall doesn't fucking stop!
[Jeremy] What?
[Kaleb on radio] This wall does not stop.
[Jeremy] Oh shit. Shit.
- [Jeremy] You're gonna have to back up.
- I can't.
Well, you can't go forwards
'cause we now can't see it.
[Jeremy] We're fucked, aren't we?
[Kaleb shuts down the engine]
[Jeremy] Christ. Look what we've done.
[Jeremy] What we'd done was harvest
no blackberries at all
and create a week's work for Gerald,
who wouldn't be able to do it
because he'd phoned that morning
to say he wasn't feeling very well.
[Kaleb] Stay where you are.
That's it, stay straight.
[Jeremy] And rather embarrassingly,
when the people came
to collect the precious demonstrator
they'd lent me,
we had to lift it off the wall
using two telehandlers.
[Jeremy] Oh.
That's that's the fence now
broken again.
Oh, look at the concrete.
No, whoa, whoa, whoa.
[back-up beeper]
[Jeremy] Jesus.
[Kaleb] Here you are.
Here's your machine.
[Jeremy] Clearly, I now needed to think
of a new way
to harvest my blackberries.
[upbeat music]
But first, it was my turn to help Kaleb.
Whoa. That's Kaleb's new muck spreader.
[Jeremy] Because it was time
to scoop up the muck
our recently departed cows had produced
over the last 11 months.
[Kaleb] Oh yes!
- [Jeremy] That is pungent.
- [Kaleb] That's good stuff!
[Jeremy] So how much do you reckon
is here?
[Kaleb] I reckon we've got
about 200 tonnes here.
- [Jeremy] 200 tonnes of faeces.
- Yeah.
[Kaleb] Feel that.
- Feel how hot it is.
- No.
Feel the heat.
- Can you feel it?
- Oooh!
[Jeremy] Why is it so hot?
- When it ferments
- Oh.
It just gets hot in the middle
and comes out.
- That's really hot in the middle.
- Yeah.
When you start bucketing that,
it's gonna be boiling.
[Kaleb] Start loading up, yeah?
[Kaleb on radio]
One bucket weighs one tonne.
[Jeremy on radio] If that was
artificial chemical fertiliser,
that would have cost me
a thousand pounds.
[Kaleb] The weigh scales
is 1.6 tonne, actually.
You've got weigh scales
in your new muck spreader?
[Kaleb] It's the way forward.
You can actually tell how much muck's
going on your fields.
That's what we need to know.
The fertiliser price is so high.
[Jeremy] You're pretty much full now.
[Kaleb] Yeah.
[Jeremy] And then that just
flings it out over the field, does it?
[Kaleb] L et's put it this way. I had
a stone the other day go out 48 metres.
48 metres out of the back?
[Kaleb] 48 metres
out the back of this spreader,
through a window, through a blind,
hit a chair and hit a fridge.
[Jeremy] Where? In Chadlington?
[Kaleb] Yeah, on Simon's field,
in the middle of Chadlington.
It hit the top of the chair
and ripped all the leather off it.
So don't go behind
your muck spreader then.
[upbeat music]
[Jeremy] I then got
a first-hand demonstration
of the muck spreader's Gatling-gun power
as Kaleb's brother fertilised the field.
[Jeremy] Jesus. Why don't they use
that The Army should use that.
[Kaleb] Win a lot of wars with that,
wouldn't you?
If you loaded that up with gravel
and then drove through a war zone
- [Kaleb chuckling] You would literally
- You'd properly get people to duck!
[Jeremy] I was extremely happy
to be using free fertiliser,
but we only had enough to cover 25 acres.
So it was up to farm manager Kaleb
to decide
how many chemicals
he'd need to fill in the gaps.
He therefore invited Charlie over
to his new office.
[Kaleb] So I've just been
working this out.
What's "this"?
- The cropping.
- I've done that.
Yeah, but I'm doing it.
'Cause I'm farm manager.
Well, wha
Okay. Well, what's "your" plan?
[Kaleb] So, I think wheat
down the right-hand side of the farm,
which I call the right-hand side,
which is Big Ground Banks Airfield.
- The eastern side.
- Yeah. Or that side, yeah.
- The eastern side.
- Yeah. Okay. Right-hand side.
And then spring wheat
in basically the middle end of the farm.
- Okay.
- Yeah?
And you said Did you say about
100,000 pounds' worth of fertiliser?
Roughly.
I think I can get it down
to about 78,000 pounds.
We've got the chicken muck,
we've got the cow muck.
Okay. So you're hoping that that cuts
the amount of artificial nitrogen?
- Yeah.
- Don't be short on nitrogen.
And don't cut corners unnecessarily.
- The risk's gone through the roof.
- Yeah.
'Cause you've got higher growing costs,
you've got higher pricing.
You know, we need the output
to maximise our income,
because that'll give you your profit
at the end of the day.
I think we can save 22,000 pounds.
Well, let's hope it works.
- This farm competition
- [Kaleb sighing] Oh, yeah.
Are you okay with it?
I mean, the man can hardly farm
the farmed, let alone farm the unfarmed.
God knows what he's gonna
God knows his ideas.
[upbeat music]
[Jeremy] As they discussed this,
I was busy in the barn,
working on another
blackberry-harvesting solution.
And I must say,
I was rather pleased with it.
[engine sputtering]
[Jeremy] And now,
we move to the other side of the vehicle,
where we find the vacuum cleaner.
Simply apply the vacuum cleaner
to the blackberry.
Yes!
Who knew!
I've done a thing that works!
I'm harvesting a bush.
And it's only pulling off
the black ones,
it's not pulling off
the unripe red ones.
We're not using CGI here. This is real.
Ah-ha.
I don't know what sort of vacuum cleaner
this is, I'm not an expert,
but they're marketing it all wrong.
Look at that. Five minutes.
And they're red ones. I'm staggered!
[laughs gleefully]
[Jeremy] Once I'd harvested the hedge
I headed to the farm kitchen,
leafed through Mrs Beeton's
old cookery book
Blackberries, lemon juice, sugar.
[Jeremy] And then started to make
some Diddly Squat blackberry jam.
Woah. Bloody hell.
So all I have to do is add the jam sugar,
add the lemon juice,
bubble them away for half an hour or so,
cool it, sell it.
One hour's work.
An hour to harvest them.
Two hour's work.
This is pure profit.
Hello.
- [Charlie] What are you doing?
- Making jam, dear boy. Making jam.
This is new farming, this is.
[Jeremy] Given that we weren't dealing
with cows or crops,
I assumed there'd be no opportunity
for finger-wagging.
Erm, so, clearly blackberries.
- [Jeremy] Yeah.
- How much is in there?
Well, that many.
- No, but how many?
- Oh, I don't know.
You've gotta measure it.
You can't just chuck it all in.
- [Charlie] You're gonna sell the jam.
- Yeah.
Have you done your food hygiene test?
No.
What pH is it? Does it contain
any allergens? You'll have to put
Well, what if someone's allergic
to blackberries?
Well, you'll have to put on there.
"May contain blackberries"
in this blackberry You're
- [Charlie] Is it just blackberries?
- No. Lemon juice.
But you'll have to list what's on here.
It's got potassium metabisulfites in it.
- So you've gotta list
- So on my jam, I've got to write
"May contain traces
of potassium metabisulfite"?
- Yes. Because
- That's not very good marketing.
[Charlie] Okay, are you're making jam,
or preserve, or conserve?
What's the difference?
So, okay, there is a difference,
and it's all to do with sugar content.
You know on the side of a jam thing,
it says:
"This was made with X amount of fruit"?
So, like, 50 grams of fruit
made 100 grams of jam?
I don't know what you're talking about.
What does Mrs Beeton She'll say that
you've gotta have a specific amount
of sugar to make it jam.
No, she doesn't.
[Charlie] Three pounds to three pounds!
Well, I'll put the three pounds
of sugar in then.
- How many blackberries have you got?
- I don't know!
[laughing] So basically,
you can't use that.
- [Jeremy] What?
- You haven't weighed it.
- You need to know
- I can't use it?
[Charlie] You'll need to start again.
[Jeremy] I wasn't the only one being
bashed on the rocks
by Charlie's waves of negativity,
because on the other side of the farm,
Kaleb was also getting a drubbing
over his plans to plant oilseed rape.
- I have your new cropping plan.
- All right. Brilliant.
- [Charlie] You've still got rape?
- Yeah.
Why?
- I think it's a risk.
- It is a risk.
- When did it last rain?
- I can't remember.
Like, April. There's no moisture.
The ground's hard.
We're gonna have flea-beetle pressure.
I dunno when it's gonna rain.
[Kaleb] But I think
it's a risk we've gotta take.
How many farmers this year have not
grown rape because of the weather?
- Okay. Quite a lot.
- A lot. Yes.
So therefore the price,
if it's 5.75 at the moment,
in a year's time, when they say
there's a shortage of rape,
because of the reason of no farmers are
growing it 'cause of the weather, yeah?
That price could increase.
- If this pulls off
- If.
Or, it fails?
I am willing to risk planting oilseed
rape this year
- as farm manager.
- Are you chasing
the bottom line of the farm
or are you just trying to chase Jeremy
'cause he's got a good head start?
The farm.
And Jeremy.
- Focus on the farm.
- I am! I am!
Okay.
I am. It'll be fine.
[Jeremy] I agreed with Charlie
that rape was a bad idea,
but there was no time to discuss this
because I needed to hoover up
more blackberries for my jam.
[Jeremy] If we weigh this, we'll know
how much fruit goes in each jar.
[Charlie] How do you know you're gonna
fill them the same level each time?
We're not buying cocaine.
It's not like you say 2 grams or 20.
There's a big difference.
[struggling for words]
I'll go with your logic.
Right.
- That jar with the lid weighs 228 grams.
- [Charlie] Yeah.
[Jeremy] With the fruit in
it's 443 grams.
So 215.
- [Jeremy] Is that the difference?
- Yeah.
So we know that in each jar,
there will be 215 grams of fruit.
- [Jeremy] Yes?
- Yeah.
[Jeremy] If I wash this, it'll be
all right to use again, won't it?
[Charlie] Yeah, that's the whole point of
glass jars, Jeremy, you can reuse them.
- Exactly.
- [Charlie] There you go.
- [Jeremy] Do I have to sterilise it?
- Yes, you do have to sterilise it.
We've been through that.
Put it in a warm oven for ten minutes.
Lid and jar sterilising.
[beeping]
- [Jeremy] No. No.
- [Charlie stammers]
[beeping]
- No, there's just nothing there.
- No.
- The oven's here.
- Oh, right. What's this then?
[chuckles]
[upbeat music]
[Jeremy] Despite these minor setbacks,
a couple of days later,
my jam was ready to go on sale.
There's all those.
All these.
It cost nothing
to plant the blackberries.
I didn't have to fertilise them.
I didn't have to do anything.
Eat your heart out, Kaleb.
[Jeremy] Look what I have got for you.
- [Lisa] No way!
- Yes way!
- How much can we sell it for?
- What would you like to charge?
Well, it cost 1.49 pounds to make.
60p for the jar, 47p for the label,
and 42p for the sugar in each one.
I think 3.60 pounds
is a reasonable amount.
- I mean, I can sell it for 4.80.
- [Jeremy] It's 3.60.
I'm not having any of your
[in Irish accent] "Well, hoo, we can get
away with charging more."
3.60.
[Jeremy] As good as it was
to see my jam on the shelves,
I knew that my current sources of income
from farming the unfarmed
would soon dry up.
Autumn was now upon us,
which meant the bees
would knock off for the year
and the hedges would become bereft
of fruit.
However, I'd had
another money-making brainwave
and I couldn't wait to tell Charlie
all about it.
[groans]
I've got a new thing.
Pigs.
Pigs?
Pigs. And there's method in my madness.
[stammers]
This is the Prime Minister speaking.
Ready?
In a fortnight I'm going to Paris
for the world's largest food trade fair
and I will be bigging-up
British products.
In December, I'll be in Beijing,
opening up new pork markets.
And she paused there for applause
that didn't come.
But I was paying attention.
So she's opening up new pork markets.
And this is a woman who's
She's the Prime Minister, now.
Thousands and thousands of Conservative
Party members have looked at her
and said "She's wise, she's on it,
she's bright, she's the right choice."
So she thinks there's going to be
a burgeoning pork market in China. Hmm?
So do you want to breed pigs?
Yes! 'Cause then you get piglets.
It'd be fun to have little piglets
running around Won't it?
It would be much easier
from a management point of view
- Yeah?
- to just buy piglets in,
fatten those up, and then kill them
to sell in the farm shop.
But then you'd have to buy more.
Why don't you just get them breeding?
As soon as you've got
a breeding pig, it's a 365 thing.
Somebody's gotta be here
every single day,
watering, feeding, moving,
checking the welfare.
I cannot believe pigs are complicated.
[laughs]
So you have the babies, chop them up,
sell them in the shop, sausages.
You get so much from a pig.
But I just you've
You've jumped from pigs
to the farm shop without,
I think, full consideration
of the production bit.
Liz Truss says I can sell them
in Beijing. She's opening up
I don't want you to sell them in Beijing.
Sell them at the farm shop.
- I'm gonna sell them in there.
- Who's gonna look after them?
- Me.
- Every day?
Yes. I'm here every day.
- When you're not here?
- Kaleb.
- Has he got enough time?
- Yes.
- Where are they gonna live?
- Well
Because Kaleb can't get the potatoes up,
they go up into the
where the potatoes are.
Fine.
We fence that bit off.
- Yep.
- They go in there.
And they'll eat all the potatoes,
so we get value from the potatoes.
Yeah, but they won't be there forever.
No. Woods.
They're gonna be woodland pigs.
I can put them in the woods.
'Cause you know I've got that competition
going with Kaleb?
I told him I could generate money
from the woods,
- yes?
- Yeah.
If I put pigs, once they've eaten
all the potatoes out of there
- that he's failed to get up.
- Yeah.
- They live in the woods, snouting around.
- Yeah.
And I'm making money
from my side of the enterprise
because they can truffle about,
and they just turn over the soil looking
for acorns and things, don't they?
In an idyllic sort of
Winnie the Pooh world.
They're foragers, but they're more
like a JCB, they're earth movers.
So you will regenerate the woods
into a sort of stock-car track.
You'll have the local kids in there
with their BMXs
cycling around these massive earthworks
that they've created.
Your ne
This is your most negative yet.
I am just concerned
about the production of piglets.
The idyllic nature of it in your mind
I want to get hundreds of them
in the woods,
rootling around,
clearing away the thorns.
[stammering] I, I, I Look
Actually, I'm gonna get on it now.
I'm on it.
I'm going to find a pig farmer.
I'm gonna get some pigs.
Piggly Squat Pork.
Come on!
Yes!
[upbeat music]
[Jeremy] As I set to work,
with no help from Charlie,
Kaleb took the Lambo
in for a much-needed service
And then used his own toy tractor
to work the fields,
whose walls were now looking a bit tired
as Gerald was still feeling poorly.
Then it was time for Kaleb and I
to have a serious chat
about how our competition was going.
Hmm.
It looks horrible.
Damsons in vodka.
Leave it for a couple of months.
And then, sell that.
And we can make our own vodka,
according to Lisa
- So how mu
- With our potatoes.
- [Kaleb] How much money's
- There?
How much money worth is that?
Three, four hundred quid.
This is the future of farming.
- [Kaleb] It's not a future.
- Well, it is
That's gonna get someone drunk
for one night.
You think one person
could drink all that?
I think you could drink all of that.
[Jeremy] We then discussed the bill
for servicing the Lambo.
- What is it?
- Well, there's a lot of stuff.
- Yeah, I mean, it's buggered.
- Also It's not buggered!
- It is. It's time to get a new
- The brakes weren't working.
Just get a new one. What's the total?
Could you add these up?
3,259,
1,543,
99 plus 410.
How much is that?
- [Jeremy] 5,300 pounds.
- That's a lot of money.
It's a lot. But, I mean,
I'll get three or four years of
I mean, take that off your margins.
Because, I mean, that's
It's not my margins. It's your farm.
- You're doing the agricultural bit.
- All right, then.
- This is coming off yours.
- I wanna sell it.
You're not gonna sell it.
It's my tractor.
Anyway, listen, we're gonna have a chart
of who's doing best.
Pen.
- So this is "Spent" and "Made".
- Hmm.
- Jam: 230 pounds. Yes?
- Yeah.
230 pounds' profit,
once I'd taken the cost of the jars off
and everything else, right?
Hmm-hmm.
You spent 78,000 pounds on fertiliser.
Made nothing.
So that's where we are at the moment.
I'm 230 pounds up.
You're minus 78,000 pounds.
And how much have you spent on seed?
2,500 on the rape.
So rape, which I told you not to drill,
which you did:
2,500. Wheat?
- [Kaleb] Six grand.
- 6,000 pounds.
- [Jeremy] Chemicals?
- 1,500.
- [Jeremy] Diesel?
- 2,000 pounds.
2,000 in diesel.
[Kaleb] I don't like this game.
- [Jeremy] Just Tractor service?
- You broke that though.
So you are now at 78,
80, 86, 87, 89, 94
minus 95,400 pounds.
And I'm plus 230 pounds.
So I'm 95,630 pounds ahead of you.
I haven't Oh, my honey!
- [Jeremy] 8,000 pounds.
- What?
A profitable item.
So I'm actually 8,230 pounds up,
which proves my idea of farming
unfarmed land is working well.
[Jeremy] Given that Kaleb's side
of the board
looked like
Boris Becker's bank statement,
I decided to fire up
my newly serviced tractor
and help him out
with some topping work in the fields.
Kaleb's out in his old Lamborghini today.
So we've got a brace of Lamborghinis
on the job.
[upbeat music]
A job for Gerald there, look.
A broken wall.
Probably badgers.
[Kaleb on radio] What's it like
to have your tractor back then?
[Clarkson on radio] It's so nice.
And it stops when I want it to.
Brakes are good. Power's good.
Comfort's good.
Air conditioning's working.
[Jeremy's phone rings]
Hello?
Yeah. [turns tractor off]
Hi. How's things?
[sighing] Oh no.
Right. Yeah.
Is there anything you want?
Right. Okay.
Look, I'll see you later on, okay?
All right. Take care.
[sighs] Gerald's got cancer.
[sighs] Oh shit.
[credits over silence]