Gilligan's Island (1964) s03e01 Episode Script

1
Just sit right back,
and you'll hear a tale ♪
a tale of a fateful trip ♪
that started from this tropic port ♪
aboard this tiny ship ♪
the mate was a mighty sailin' man ♪
the skipper brave and sure ♪
5 passengers set sail that day
for a 3-hour tour ♪
a 3-hour tour ♪
[thunder]
The weather started getting rough ♪
the tiny ship was tossed ♪
if not for the courage
of the fearless crew ♪
the minnow would be lost,
the minnow would be lost ♪
the ship's aground
on the shore of this ♪
uncharted desert isle ♪
with gilligan ♪
the skipper, too ♪
the millionaire and his wife ♪
the movie star ♪
the professor and Mary Ann ♪
here on gilligan's isle ♪
[Grunts]
Gilligan, let's take a breather.
These coconuts get heavier
with every step we take.
Yeah. They must weigh a ton.
All morning long we collect
coconuts down at the beach,
and all afternoon
we lug 'em back to camp.
Mile after mile, foot after foot
nothing but lugging coconuts.
And my back is killing me.
Look, gilligan, why
don't you put them down?
I never thought of that. Good idea.
Nice going, gilligan.
I'll get them, skipper. I'll get them.
Gilligan, don't go in there.
It's an unexplored cave.
I'll get it, skipper.
Help, skipper! Skipper, it's after me!
Skipper, ow! Ooh! Ow!
What is it, little buddy, what is it?
Skipper! Hey, skipper, it bit me.
It bit me on the neck.
What bit you?
I it was dark in there, and I don't
there he is! Look out! Look out, skipper.
[Bat squeaks]
Gilligan, I saw one
of those once in Mexico.
A vampire bat
it bit me on the neck, the vampire bat.
It bit you on the neck.
A vampire bat bit me
I'm gonna turn into a vampire.
Hey, professor, professor.
What is it? What is
it? What's happened?
It flew right through the air,
and it bit me on the neck.
I'm gonna become a vampire
and turn into a bat.
I'm gonna fly through
the night and drink blood
and talk funny, "good evening."
And other weird things like that.
Can you help him, professor?
Yeah, please help me, professor.
I wouldn't be a good vampire.
I faint at the sight of blood.
I'll starve to death.
Alright, gilligan. You
just try to calm yourself.
Skipper, you better tell me
exactly what happened.
Uh, something bit gilligan on the neck?
Exactly. See? It was in a cave,
and a big vampire bat came out
and bit him right on the neck there.
And now when there's a full moon,
he's gonna turn into a vampire.
Nonsense. It's not nonsense.
I saw a movie once. This bat bit this guy,
and he turned into a vampire.
And he slept in a coffin,
and when a full moon came up
he used to rise out of the
coffin and spread his cape
what's the matter, gilligan?
I scared myself.
Alright. Just stop right there.
I'm surprised at both of you.
Grown men completely unnerved
by a silly, superstitious fable.
You mean he won't turn into a vampire?
Gilligan, it was only a movie.
Yeah, but I saw it 3 times. It
always came out the same way.
Alright. If it will make you feel any better,
why don't you two seal
up the mouth of that cave?
That will at least keep the vampires
I mean, the bats
from becoming a nuisance.
That's a good idea,
professor. Thanks. Come on
gilligan, wait a minute.
You better get the girls to put a
dressing on that wound right now.
Yeah, I better do it right now
Because after I become a vampire,
they'll never look at me.
Stop saying that.
Now, I don't want you or the skipper
ever mentioning
this vampire business again.
There's no sense in upsetting the others
over anything so preposterous.
Agreed?
Alright, professor, agreed.
Come on, gilligan.
Ginger, what's the matter
with your mirror?
Oh, the silver came all off the back.
It's nothing but glass now.
See? Yeah.
All I get is a blank expression.
You don't need a mirror.
You're still beautiful.
Oh, I know, but I like
to get another opinion.
Get in there and let
the girls patch you up.
I'll go get some shovels
so we can close up the cave.
Yeah. We don't want those
bats to get out of the cave.
Gilligan, shh.
Remember now what
the professor said
not a word of this to the girls.
You can trust me.
I'll never say "vampire" again. Good.
If there's one word I'll
never use, it's "vampire."
I mean, I'll never say
gilligan!
Okay. Okay.
Go on in there.
[Knock on door]
Come in. Mary Ann: Come in.
Hi, Mary Ann. Hi, ginger.
Look what I've got
just a simple, old,
every day bite in the neck,
nothing to worry about,
nothing to be scared of.
It's nothing, it's really nothing at all.
You're right. It's nothing.
That's what you think.
Let me see. No, don't get too close.
Oh, gilligan, bites aren't catching.
This one is.
Oh, nonsense. No, it's not bad.
What bit you?
Oh. Oh, yeah. Something bit me.
Oh, I forgot. I bit myself.
You bit yourself?
How could you bite
yourself on the neck, gilligan?
I stood on a chair
A ladder a tree?
Never mind how it happened.
It still needs treatment.
Come on, ginger.
Help me with bandages.
Now, you sit down right here.
Don't be nervous.
Nobody ever died
from a bite on the neck.
Hey, you're right. Yeah.
Nobody ever died
from a bite on the neck.
[Gasps]
I can't see myself.
I don't have any reflection.
I've become one of them.
They don't have any reflections either.
I've become one of them.
I've become one of them!
I've become one of them!
I'm a vampire, skipper.
When a vampire looks in the
mirror, he can't see himself.
I couldn't see myself, so
I'm a vampire. I'm a vampire.
Gilligan, you've got
to get hold of yourself.
If you keep talking like this,
you're gonna make yourself sick.
Wait till I start biting necks,
then I'll really make me sick. Yecch.
Will you stop worrying
about that mirror stuff?
Now, the professor said
that you weren't a vampire,
so you can believe the professor.
I can believe the professor.
Right. So, why don't you stop worrying
and get some sleep?
Right. Stop worrying and get some sleep.
Now you're being sensible.
Goodnight, little buddy.
Now I'm being sensible.
Goodnight, skipper.
Goodnight.
I mean, just because a bat bit me,
and I can't see myself in a mirror
doesn't mean I'm a vampire.
I'm afraid to close my eyes
because I might turn into a bat
and fly around and drink blood
and bite my friends' necks
and things like that.
Now I'm being sensible.
I'm not gonna bite my friends' necks.
Skipper, how come you put
a scarf around your neck?
Because it's cold in here, gilligan.
Skipper, it must be 90 to 110 in here.
My neck is cold.
How could your neck be cold?
My neck is cold for a very
good reason, gilligan.
I'm getting a draft from my ears.
Oh, yeah, sure. Drafty ears.
You think I'm a vampire.
No, I don't. Now, goodnight.
I'm gonna turn into a bat
and bite everybody.
I'm gonna bite all my friends.
I don't want to be a vampire!
Gilligan, I just thought
of a wonderful idea.
Now
string. I'll get my kite.
No. Not for your kite.
I'm gonna tie this one end of the string
to your foot.
Then I'm gonna tie the other end to me.
And then when you get up in the night
and try and get out,
I can get you before you leave the hut.
Yeah. That ought to work, skipper
Even if I turn into a bat,
because bats have feet.
Exactly. Now stop worrying
and get some sleep.
Yeah, skipper. Stop worrying.
Get some sleep. Goodnight.
Goodnight.
Stop worrying. Get some sleep.
Vampires
Bats
Blood.
[Scary organ music playing]
2 million
[Snores]
4 million, 6 million
I love to dream in round figures.
Aah!
Robbers! Thieves! Cat burglars!
Lovey, hold him off.
I'll go hide in the vault.
What is that?
He tried to bite my throat.
He tried to do what?
To bite my throat.
Gilligan, you might have damaged
her diamond necklace with your molars.
Are your stones hurt?
Oh, he came at me with
that frightful look that you get
when you're about to
foreclose on a mortgage.
Egad, what a frightening experience.
He bit my neck.
I'll teach you to try
and dine out on my wife,
you bounder, you cad.
Oh, wait a minute, dear.
Maybe he was walking in his sleep.
His eyes look a bit glazed.
Well, he always has that glazed look.
Gilligan, gilligan, are you asleep?
Mr. Howell, what are
you doing in my hut?
Your hut? It's our hut.
You see? He was walking in his sleep.
Well, his conduct is inexcusable.
What'd I do? What'd you do?
You tried to make a midnight
snack out of my wife's neck.
That's what you tried to do.
Oh, no. I'm a vampire.
I did it because I'm a vampire.
Oh, dear, the boy's overwrought.
Fix him a bloody Mary.
Heaven's no, not a bloody Mary.
I didn't mean to do it, Mr. Howell.
I just can't help myself. I'm a vampire.
Now, don't you give up hope, dear.
Those new wonder drugs cure anything.
Lovey, are you alright, my dear?
Yes. I'm scared, though, you know?
And then my little buddy tried
to bite Mrs. Howell on the neck.
I mean, you see, it's
really happening, professor.
He's turning into a vampire.
Skipper, that's ridiculous.
I told you vampires are
nothing but fairy tales.
But then why'd he try to
bite Mrs. Howell on the neck?
Well, the explanation is obvious.
Gilligan was so worried
about becoming a vampire
that he became obsessed with the idea.
When he fell asleep,
his subconscious took over,
and he attacked Mrs. Howell.
But what are we gonna do about it?
I mean, there's no telling
who's gonna be his next victim.
Fortunately, I know a
simple cure for this problem.
I'll prepare an anti-vampire potion.
An anti-vampire potion?
Professor, what school
did you go to Batman u.?
Oh, skipper, not a real
anti-vampire potion.
I'll merely brew up
some of these native plants
and produce a mild tranquilizer.
Oh, I get it. But then gilligan
will think it's a real
anti-vampire concoction.
Exactly, and his psychological
fears about becoming a vampire
will be removed once and for all.
That's great, professor.
Well, start brewing the plants right away.
I'll get gilligan.
Skipper: Go on, gilligan,
drink it. Down the hatch.
Professor, are you sure this
anti-vampire potion is gonna work?
Believe me, gilligan,
if you're a vampire,
this potion will cure you.
Now drink up.
Don't I get a cookie with it?
Would you drink it?
Hey, I feel like a new man.
Imagine that.
One drink of the anti-vampire potion,
and I feel better already.
Professor, what's the
matter with gilligan?
Oh, it's alright, skipper.
He was so hyper tense with worry
that the tranquilizers
had an immediate effect.
Let's get him to bed.
Well, but you know
come on, skipper. He won't bite you.
Well, alright.
I think he'll be just fine
in the morning, skipper.
Thanks a lot, professor.
I'm gonna turn in.
Goodnight. Goodnight.
Now I'll finally get some sleep.
[Sighs]
[Groans]
Wake up, little buddy.
Gilligan? Ha ha ha.
Oh, how are you feeling this morning?
Well, I'll bet you're
more like your old self now.
[Squeaking]
[Squeaking]
My poor little buddy.
A bat that goes "eek, eek"
and flaps its wings.
What a shame.
A shame, ginger why, it's a disaster.
Do you think he can
turn into a carrier pigeon?
Why, sure. We can tie a note on his leg.
He can fly to Hawaii and
be back in time for dinner.
You girls aren't taking me seriously at all.
I'm telling you, he's really a vampire.
Mary Ann, I think he means it.
Well, certainly I mean it.
The howells are over
watching him right now.
I'm trying to find the professor
'cause he'll know what to do.
You haven't seen him at all?
I've got to find him.
Imagine, a simple sailor like gilligan
turning into a bat.
It could happen.
I once knew a movie producer
who turned into a wolf.
Aah! Oh!
Gilligan just flew in the window.
Ginger, don't. You'll hurt him.
Oh, I hope so.
But remember, it's still gilligan.
Aah!
Oh, you're right. He's still our friend.
Oh, I'm sorry, gilligan.
I wouldn't hurt you for
anything in the whole world.
Aah!
Kill him! Kill him!
Aah! Aah!
Don't panic, girls. I'll get him!
Aah! Aah!
Oh, thank goodness. Professor,
you saved our lives.
Oh, gilligan's after our necks.
Gilligan? What are you talking about?
He turned into a vampire bat.
He's trying to attack us.
He tried to bite our necks.
Hold it! Hold it. Hold it now. Listen to me.
Now, this is not gilligan,
and it is not a vampire bat.
It isn't? Well, the skipper said
well, it's a perfectly
understandable mistake.
This is a common red fruit bat.
It's perfectly harmless.
However, it can be mistaken
for the vampire bat.
Only an expert can tell them apart.
And fortunately, I happen to know
a little something about bat anatomy.
Oh. Well, if this isn't gilligan
Both: Where is gilligan?
Now when I turn into a bat,
I won't be able to fly out
and bite my friends.
All my buddies will be safe.
I'll be in here all alone forever.
Boy, am I unselfish.
Boy, am I noble.
Boy, am I scared.
Gilligan! Gilligan, little buddy,
I've got great news for you.
You're alright.
You weren't bitten by a vampire bat.
You were bitten by a fruit bat.
Gilligan?
Gilligan's voice: "Dear good pals",
"I am running away to save your lives.
"Don't try to find me 'cause if you do,
"I'll just stick my fangs in your neck,
"and that could wreck our friendship.
"Good-bye forever.
Your friend, gilligan the vampire."
Oh, gilligan,
why'd you do a dumb thing like that?
Gilligan's voice: "P.S
This was the only dumb thing
I could think of doing."
Professor!
Professor!
This is serious.
Gilligan isn't rational in his present state.
Yes, of course, professor,
but he wouldn't stand a chance
in the jungle all night.
We got to find him before it gets dark.
I suggest we organize
search parties immediately.
Alright. Let's go.
Yes. Lovey, I think you and I
better go by way of our hut.
[Scary organ music plays]
A vampire
Turning into a bat.
Biting
The vampire.
Vampire.
[Wolf howls]
Hurry, lovey. Let's get out of the fog
and find lodgings for the night, eh?
It's so gloomy here.
Couldn't we find a more cheerful castle?
Nonsense! Have you
no sense of adventure?
Open up! Open up in there, I say!
Something strange about this place.
My Pearl necklace just curdled.
The peasants will
welcome us with open arms.
Open up! Open up!
Oh!
Go away! Flee!
Be gone and never come back.
Get out!
She doesn't seem
exactly overjoyed to see us.
It's the language barrier.
I'll speak the international
language of money.
Here you are, my dear.
Moola pesos, lira, drachma.
Here! Here!
My wallet is a mixed grill. Take your pick.
No gratuities are necessary.
Whah!
Follow me.
Wild motel.
Landlady looks suspicious, too.
You're a linguist, dear.
Ask her if he can accommodate us
the imperial suite, of course.
I shall tell my mistress
she has guests for this evening.
Ecch.
[Loud gong]
The bell tolls.
Some unwary travelers have
stumbled into our midst.
I must wake my husband.
[Tap tap-tap tap-tap]
[Tap tap]
The moon is full, and guests await.
Wake up, master.
Get out of your crate.
[Transylvanian accent] Good evening.
I am the vampire
prince of evil, Duke of darkness,
king of terror, and other rotten things.
Master, guests have arrived.
They're downstairs,
little realizing the
danger that awaits them.
Guests.
Guests.
I can hardly wait to put the bite on them.
I shall swoop down upon
their unsuspecting necks.
[Crash]
What happened?
I forgot to turn into a bat.
What kind of a vampire
are you, anyway?
Wait here. I'll go get the victims.
But they'll see my coffin,
and they'll become suspicious!
I'll fix that.
Here. Twin bats.
Ha ha! Now I'll get you the victims.
Meanwhile, you'd better hide.
Yes. That way,
they won't know I'm here till it's too late.
I'll run and hide in the alcove.
[Crash]
We don't have an alcove, you schnook.
This will be your room.
I hope you like it.
Like it?
Madame, your decorator
should be flogged
and his ballet pumps burned.
A bedroom without a stock ticker?
Barbaric.
Oh, darling, we really should
be more gracious to our hostess.
What my husband means
is that we want to thank you
from the bottom of our hearts
for allowing us to spend the night
in this perfectly beastly room.
Well said, lovey, my dear.
Oh.
[Rapping]
A petrified mattress.
Well, it won't matter, darling.
You're so tired,
you'll sleep like a dead man.
You're so right.
Ha ha ha ha!
[Door knocker raps]
Oh. Someone's at the door.
I must prepare another room.
You're expecting other guests?
No, but we'll make room.
My husband loves to have
extra people for dinner.
Ha ha ha ha!
Ohh!
I say, I've knocked and knocked,
and nobody's answering,
inspector Sherlock.
What do you make of that?
Oh, elementary, my dear watney.
No one's at home.
We've come to the wrong castle.
Here. See for yourself.
Silly of us, for heaven's sake.
Oh, inspector,
I think there's something
wrong with this glass.
There's nothing but an
ugly old lady inside it.
Oh, give that to me.
I'm afraid my associate has no manners.
I must apologize for his remark,
ugly old lady.
Thank you.
I am inspector Sherlock,
and this is my associate colonel watney.
How do you do?
Have you been expecting us?
Expecting you?
5 years ago,
I wrote you to come investigate
the strange happenings in this house.
5 years.
What took you so long?
Well, the fact is,
we had a hard time
getting a hansom cab.
Precisely.
We had to walk.
You walked all the way from England?
Yes. And, of course,
crossing the channel
was devilishly slow.
It was take one step and come up for air,
and take another step
and come up for air.
Never mind.
Come inside the house. Quickly.
Maybe you can help prevent
a terrible crime.
Oh, good god. After you, inspector.
No. After you, sir.
Oh, no. Please.
Oh, I'm simply pooped, my dear.
Wearing a full-length money
belt all day is so exhausting.
Know what I mean?
Well, don't go to bed yet, dear.
I have a premonition
we're in deadly danger.
The hairs on my
chinchilla are standing up.
That's poppycock.
You're just overwrought from the journey.
Isn't that right, Teddy dear?
Well, I can't help it, darling.
After all, there's a rumor
that there are vampires
in the neighborhood,
and I despise vampires. They're
so toothy.
Obviously, your imagination
is running amuck.
Any 5-year-old child can tell you
there is no such thing as a vampire.
There's no such thing.
There's a vampire.
That's the last time
I listen to a 5-year-old child.
Good evening. You're my type of folks.
You're type "a," you're type "o."
Aah! Aah!
Aah! Aah!
Go away! Go away!
Here! Take Teddy!
I say, inspector,
have you found any sign of the vampire,
like the old lady said?
Not a clue.
My investigation proves conclusively
that there is not a vampire
within 1,000 miles of here.
[Screaming upstairs]
Inspector, did you hear a scream?
I beg your pardon. What did you say?
I said, did you hear a scream?
I can't hear you, old boy.
Someone's screaming.
Ah! Watney, our first clue.
What? What is it, inspector?
Someone is screaming.
Hurry, watney!
Oof! Inspector.
Faithful friend, hurry.
Aah!
Aah!
Aah! Ohh!
I say, old boy,
have you seen a vampire?
Not lately.
Why don't you put an ad
in the newspaper?
Ah, good thinking.
Aah!
The vampire! The vampire!
Oh, boy!
My good man.
My good man!
Use your head, inspector.
Get up, you.
Get up, you.
Get up.
Get up.
Get up. Get up, gilligan.
Little buddy, get up.
Get back! I am the vampire.
Gilligan, now wait a minute.
It was all a mistake.
It wasn't even a vampire bat that bit you.
You're just plain old gilligan.
I warned you, colonel watney.
Oof!
Skipper? Is that you?
No, it's not the skipper.
I'm Frankenstein's monster.
Argh!
Without worrying about
that vampire junk.
You bet your life, little buddy.
Can you imagine us believing
all that superstitious nonsense
about vampires and bats
and all that stuff?
Isn't it silly? Isn't it stupid?
Stupid? How could we
have been so stupid?
I don't know,
but we're sure not gonna
fall for that junk again.
Yeah. Goodnight, little buddy.
Pleasant dreams, skipper.
[Squeaking]
Do you hear what I hear?
Let's get outta here!
Now this is the tale of our castaways ♪
they're here for a long, long time ♪
they'll have to make the best of things ♪
it's an uphill climb ♪
the first mate and his skipper, too ♪
will do their very best ♪
to make the others comfortable ♪
in the tropic island nest ♪
no phone No lights
no motorcars, not a single luxury ♪
like Robinson crusoe ♪
it's primitive as can be ♪
so join us here each week, my friends ♪
you're sure to get a smile ♪
from 7 stranded castaways ♪
here on gilligan's isle ♪