Loot (2022) s03e01 Episode Script

1
If you're fond of sand dunes
And salty air ♪
Quaint little villages here and there ♪
You're sure ♪
You're sure to fall in love
With old Cape Cod ♪
Old Cape Cod ♪
That old Cape Cod ♪
- [waves lapping]
- [seagull caws]
Oh, my God. [grunts]
Oh, God.
- [crying]
- Nicholas?
Oh, God!
[cries]
Your calfskin palazzo romper is ruined!
And also our plane crashed.
Help!
No, no, no. No, no.
Oh, no, no. It's okay.
I already looked.
There's no one else here.
- What?
- We're all alone.
[gasping]
What are we gonna do?
Whatever it takes.
We must survive.
["Jump in the Line" playing]
[Nicholas grunting]
[Molly straining]
Work, work, work, Senora
Work your body line ♪
Oh.
Work, work, work, Senora
Work it all the time ♪
[Nicholas grunts]
Jump in the line
Rock your body in time ♪
[Molly straining]
Jump in the line
Rock your body in time ♪
Okay, I believe you ♪
Look, honey. I did a fire.
[giggles]
And you told me
not to bring my crystal pineapple.
Wait.
Should we have written SOS?
Oh, no. This is way more us.
They'll get it.
Work, work, work, Senora
Work it all the time ♪
Somebody, help me ♪
I'm proud of us, Nicholas.
This snapper is great.
[Nicholas] Mm-hmm.
Just wondering, when you were out
doing everything for both of us,
did you see any shrimp?
Oh, hell yeah.
This place is crawling with shrimp.
I will be back in a jiff.
Oh, also can you bring me some more
of these moisturizing coconuts?
I'll take a look.
[Molly] Great.
I'll just sit here
and practice my shell horn.
[shell horn blows]
[vocalizes]
[shell horn blows]
[Molly vocalizes]
[shell horn blows]
[chattering]
[grunts] All right, everybody, listen up.
Eighty-six the snapper.
She now wants shrimp.
And, Marisol, please stuff the coconuts
with the La Mer, okay?
She's blowing right through 'em.
Don't be stingy here.
Remember, everybody,
we are on a deserted island.
It should be castaway chic
at all times, all right?
Hey, hey. Can you figure out what
a desert island deodorant might look like?
The old girl's getting pretty ripe.
Hustle, hustle, hustle, people.
Come on. Why… Why is no one afraid?
["Gimme That Money" playing]
[song ends]
[shell horn blowing]
[Molly] Oh, listen, Nicholas.
I taught myself "Orinoco Flow"
on my shell horn.
[shell horn blows]
Sail away, sail away, sail away ♪
- [chuckles] Good job, babe.
- [giggles]
[sighs]
Can I say something?
I know our lives are hard here,
but I kinda like it.
I actually enjoy pooping in the ocean.
It is God's toilet.
Hmm. This could all be for the best.
I mean, I made such a mess with Arthur.
I'm a bad person.
Hey. Hey, hey. No.
You don't have to think about him.
Okay? None of that matters out here.
You're right.
It's so pure here. No conflict.
No masked billionaires freaking my deaky.
This place is exactly what you need.
Your deak will not be freaked here.
Wanna hear "Kokomo"?
[shell horn blows]
That's where we wanna go ♪
Way down in Kokomo ♪
[shell horn blowing]
Hey, can somebody get me a ladies' Schick?
I'm gonna try and shave her legs
while she sleeps.
Oh, fuck. No!
- No, no, no, no.
- What the hell is going on here?
What are you doing here?
How did you find us?
Marisol called me.
She said she doesn't wanna be trapped
on some private island
in the Indian Ocean.
My daughter's graduating
from med school next week.
Who gives a shit, Marisol?
This is for Molly.
Where is Molly? What's going on here?
And can someone make me
a double virgin piña colada?
Okay, look,
after all that drama with Arthur
and the masked cabal of billionaires,
she was in the worst mental state
of her entire life.
She needed a complete reset.
So I faked a plane crash,
invented a fictional
desert island paradise
where she can escape from reality,
recharge and heal herself.
I'm calling it "Bye-Bye Mode."
And it's working perfectly.
That is the craziest shit
I've ever heard in my life.
Is it really, Sofia?
I mean, don't we all need fake realities
to escape to sometimes?
I mean, Howard, why do you dress up
like a Squirtle every year
and attend Comic-Con?
I do not dress up. I become.
And, Sofia, weren't you
a part of Occupy Wall Street?
We started a conversation.
And, Rhonda, what about
your little crystals and tarot cards?
Oh, I don't know.
The Three of Swords accurately predicted
I would make love to my sister's husband.
Look, as soon as I sense
that she is back to normal,
- I will let you know.
- [Sofia] No.
We have real jobs
where we help real people.
We have responsibilities.
- I'm talking to her.
- No. You can't do that.
You have to be very gentle with her.
She's like a sleepwalker.
Her brain is very fragile right now.
Wow, Tina Turtle, these shells
really lift and separate. Hmm? [chuckles]
[ethereal music playing]
Hi, cousin.
I like your silly little house.
What? [gasps]
What's going on?
Oh, it's my fist mirage.
Oh, and it's beautiful.
And so lifelike.
[inhales sharply] Ooh.
[sniffs] Mmm.
And I can smell the gin and pennies.
[chuckles]
And, Sofia, my imagination gave you bangs.
Really good ones too.
You should get those in real life.
This is real life.
I got them cut over the weekend.
[Molly] No, you didn't.
I'm dreaming.
Ow!
You're supposed to pinch yourself
when you're dreaming, you lunatic.
Ow!
God, even your mirage needs to chill out.
[Sofia] Molly, listen to me.
I'm real.
We're actually here.
You're not stranded on a desert island.
- What?
- Nicholas staged all of this.
You're being manipulated.
- Uh.
- Nicholas?
- [groans]
- What's she saying?
All right, Molly,
let's, uh, take a seat over here.
So, when we were on the plane,
I made an executive decision
about your mental health,
and I may have zested some Ambien
on your panna cotta.
- Is that a crime?
- Yes.
Didn't use to be.
Anyway, we're not really stranded.
We're on an island
that you got in the divorce with John.
It's called St. Novak's.
There's actually a mansion
right over there.
You mean this is all fake?
Exactly. Great.
We all know the deal. Let's wrap this up,
get those piña coladas to go,
and head back to LA.
Wait.
Where's Arthur?
We don't know, cousin.
He disappeared right after you ran away.
And he won't answer his phone or nothing.
- I'm staying here.
- What?
No. What are you talking about?
What's the point
of me going back with you guys?
No matter what I do, I always end up
hurting someone else or myself, and…
I don't wanna deal with it anymore.
So you're just giving up
on all we've done?
I can't believe you're being so selfish.
Well, maybe it's time
for me to be selfish.
You're running away. You're a coward.
Oh, sure.
Maybe I am a coward.
But I'm a coward who owns an island.
And I'm never leaving.
Then don't.
The foundation was fine before you,
and it will be fine without you.
Have fun here playing pretend.
Let's go, everyone.
And we should really hurry.
I probably shouldn't have left
Ainsley in charge.
Great job today, team.
Everyone really brought their A game.
You're the best legal team
I've ever worked with.
[giggles]
Why haven't we taken off yet?
Good news.
Plane's broken as hell.
We ain't going anywhere.
- No. How long until you fix it?
- [slurps, swallows]
Well, we need a new engine,
but they gotta fly that in.
And we're stuck on the runway
blocking it, so…
I'm gonna get high and DM some models.
- Oh, absolutely not.
- [slurps]
I can't stay on this island
another second.
I'll swim to Sri Lanka if I have to.
Well, now that's a cool idea.
My adult son is jailed there.
[Howard] No, no. Hold on.
There's another house
on the other side of the island
and looks like they have a ferry.
Great. We'll take the ferry.
Everybody, grab your stuff and let's go.
[rhythmic tapping]
Oh, this feels so good.
Thanking the island gods for our bounty.
Gracias, Kokomo!
You know, this was the best idea
you've ever had, Nicholas.
You, me, Tina Turtle.
- It's all I need for the rest of my life.
- The rest of your life?
That's funny, 'cause I thought
this would be a little more temporary.
- Oh, no, we're never leaving.
- Oh. Okay.
It's just… I had tickets to see
Vanessa Hudgens and Ashley Tisdale
in Waiting for Godot.
But you know what? I'm sensing it's a no.
- It's totally fine. I'm…
- [Marisol] Miss Molly.
- Miss Molly, we have a major problem.
- What's wrong?
They've gone to
the other side of the island.
- Who has?
- Sofia and the rest of the gang.
You have to help them.
Why?
What's on the other side of the island?
We are not alone here.
[eerie music playing]
[Sofia sighs] How much farther?
I don't know.
My bars are going in and out.
It's gotta be around here somewhere.
[Sofia sighs]
["All Night Long" playing]
[sighs] This is so frustrating.
Do you guys hear that?
Hear what?
I think that's the delightful
Caribbean rhythms of Sir Lionel Richie.
I smell coconut oil.
Wait. Hold on.
Howard, is that a seal tanning itself?
Wait. Is that a beached squid
massaging a hot dog?
[chuckling] Oh, now that's darling.
A pile of cantaloupes
wearing a fedora. [chuckles]
Oh, my God.
That is not a pile of cantaloupes.
That is a person!
It's a bunch of naked olds!
Oh, hello!
I knew I smelled clothes.
I'm Gerald Canning.
Welcome to Vagine.
Oh, my God.
No, no, no. Not God.
Gerald Canning.
Do you wanna take that off?
[funk music playing]
Sir, you are unlawfully detaining us.
We're American citizens,
and I demand access
to your ferry immediately.
Oh, lovely lady. You know,
you are the most clothed human being
I have ever seen in my life.
Are you sure you don't wanna
have the wind kiss your skin?
No. I do not.
Boundary respected,
you sophisticated mama.
Listen, I don't care what kind
of freak show you got going on here.
- All I want is just me and my friends…
- Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Freak show? Do you know what Vagine is?
It is a free-thinking, pan-genital,
ADA-compliant utopia.
You know what we banish here?
Judgment.
Are you guys okay?
[Howard] Cousin Molly, thank God.
All the drinks here
are spiked with Metamucil.
Oh, my God.
It's like a porn parody of Cocoon.
This is why I won't age naturally.
Molly Wells?
As I bend and breathe.
I'm so sorry… Do we know each other?
Gerald Canning. I am your neighbor.
But you have never come to visit me
here at Vagine.
I have sent you so many
erotic fruit baskets, but nothing.
All we want is to use his ferry,
get off of this insane billionaire island,
but he's not letting us.
My ferry, my rules.
And I am not liking your attitude,
Sister Sassafras.
Okay, you know what? That is it.
- No one calls me Sister Sassafras.
- Oh.
- No, no, no.
- I just did.
Guys, guys, hey, everybody,
let's all calm down.
Okay.
Mr. Canning,
why don't you and I talk in private?
Molly, Mr. Canning is my penis.
You can call me Gerald.
Let's go talk in private, all right?
This is my tepee.
- That painting is a self-portrait.
- Oh.
- Have a seat.
- Thank you.
- Yeah. Comfy.
- Oh, my.
Mm-hmm.
- Oh, oh. Kitten, I am so sorry.
- [grunts]
- Whoopsie-daisy. Yeah.
- All right. Whoops. Thank you.
It's very hard to sit anywhere in Vagine
because I have everything
covered in coconut oil.
- I insist on it.
- Huh.
[Gerald] Yeah.
Hummus?
Uh… Oh, okay. Uh…
D-Do you have a spoon?
Oh, no, no, no.
Here we use nature's spoon.
Come.
Yes. Yes.
[both] Mmm.
So good.
I so agree with you.
Um, Gerald,
I wanted to apologize for Sofia.
She can be a little intense sometimes.
She reminds me of my life
before I retreated here.
She runs my foundation
and does a lot of good.
And she just wants to get home
and do more of that work.
- Oh.
- So, I'd really appreciate it
if you would let her and my friends
use your ferry.
Oh, the tyranny of work.
- Hmm.
- Let me show you something.
[Molly] Hmm.
That is me.
I am getting
the Presidential Medal of Freedom
for inventing the technology
that powers GPS.
You invented GPS?
I have helped so many people
find their way in life,
but then came the divorce,
- and then the paternity suits.
- Sure.
And then my daughter abandons the family,
runs off and elopes with Criss Angel,
the Mind Fest.
And it just became too much.
So I retreated here, never looked back.
So when was the last time
you left the island?
Oh, who can tell?
I measure time in orgasms now.
You know, Molly, I like you.
But I'm getting the feeling
you and your friends
are not becoming Vagine-y enough.
And I only let card-carrying members
on the ferry, so…
How does one become Vagine-y enough?
I never thought you'd ask.
- I wish I hadn't.
- We have to bacchanal.
- Bacchanal?
- Yes. Margarite.
- Come on.
- [breathes heavily]
- [grunts]
- [Gerald] You can do it.
- Attagirl. You can do it.
- [grunts]
Margarite is my executive secretary.
Ah.
All right.
[breathing heavily]
Thank you. Thank you.
- Behold.
- [Molly] Yes.
My itinéraire de bacchanal.
First we feast,
and when we are pregnant with hummus,
then we undulate to the rhythms.
- Are you with me?
- Hmm.
And then we create art.
- But we don't use paintbrushes. Oh, no.
- No.
We use what God gave us.
Our nipples and penis tips.
- Oh, boy.
- What do you say?
[sighs]
Okay, we'll do it.
But we keep our clothes on.
You're nude from the belly button down.
No dice. But I'll take my shoes off.
- No socks.
- I can do that.
I wanna see calves.
Don't get greedy, Sir Gerald.
We have a deal?
[guests chattering, cheering]
Okay, this is horrible.
I've been with Isaac for nine months,
and he's never seen my feet.
I can feel their eyes
boring into my heels.
I refuse to take my boots off.
- [groans]
- Okay, listen,
you guys want off this island,
we need those piggies out.
Here we go. Let's go.
["Kokomo" playing]
- Bacchanal!
- [all cheering]
Aruba, Jamaica, ooh, I wanna take ya ♪
Bermuda, Bahama, come on pretty mama ♪
Key Largo, Montego
Baby, why don't we go? ♪
Jamaica ♪
Off the Florida Keys ♪
Hey. Hey. Hey.
- You wanna leave? You love this.
- [sighs]
Excellent.
- Let's keep it high.
- Okay.
- Right? For safety?
- Mm-hmm.
- [straining] C-Come on!
- Come on, Esther.
Move those hands. I wanna win! [groans]
And we're losing. [groans]
We'll be falling in love ♪
To the rhythm of a steel drum band ♪
- Down in Kokomo
- Aruba…
Oopsie. [chuckles] Sorry.
Bermuda, Bahama, come on pretty mama ♪
Key Largo, Montego
Baby, why don't we go? ♪
Ooh, I wanna take you down to Kokomo ♪
We'll get there fast
And then we'll take it slow ♪
[no audible dialogue]
My fellow Vagineers, young and old.
Congratulations.
Another successful bacchanal.
Only two cardiac events.
An easy night for our medical tent.
And now, as is our tradition,
we are going to crown the queen.
The person who best embody-ody-odies
the spirit of bacchanal.
Ladies and gentlemen,
her royal vagesty, Molly Wells.
[cheering]
- Thank you.
- [grunts]
[grunting continues]
- [Molly] Okay.
- [straining]
- [grunts]
- Thank you, dear.
[panting]
Thank you.
And now, handmaidens of the fold,
please come forward
and embrace your new queen.
[Molly] Wonderful.
Oh. Oh.
Group hug. Okay.
Oh, imagine the cloud of hummus farts
she's in right now.
Okay.
[Nicholas] Why is she letting this happen?
She's doing this for us.
Okay, well, according to Gerald,
the ferry will be ready
first thing tomorrow morning,
and it'll get you home.
Uh, thank you for rescuing us.
That was above and beyond.
Of course.
Safe travels.
And be well.
And you as well be well.
Thanks.
[Sofia sighs] Let's go, guys.
[groans] I don't wanna end up
like Gerald Canning!
What?
[sighs] I don't wanna hide on an island
just because I can.
That's not how I wanna live my life.
- Because it goes so, so wrong.
- Mmm.
Half that carpet was pubic hair.
But I like Gerald.
I mean, he threw a great party,
and he had a decent hog.
[Howard] Coz, you don't have to stay here.
Come back with us.
Yeah, babe, maybe it is time we go back.
And I didn't mean what I said before.
We can't do this without you.
We don't want to.
I don't want to.
But going back just feels so hard.
I mean, what about the other billionaires?
They're so powerful.
[Sofia] Sure, they're powerful.
They control politics, business, tech.
They are the lords of our society,
and it is sick.
But you know who lords can't control?
[chuckles]
The queen.
All right. Let's get off this island
and get back to work.
- [exclaims]
- Hell yeah!
Thank God she's back.
We're gonna expose those assholes.
Yes. Let's drag them out of the shadows
and show the world who they are.
We are gonna show them
how the fuck to be a billionaire.
We are gonna kick them
in their giant, fluffy gray bushes
- and their shriveled fig dicks.
- Oh.
- Oh, yes.
- I'm sorry.
I've seen too many naked old bodies.
- We gotta get out of here.
- But still…
- Let's go kick 'em in the dicks.
- [Rhonda laughs]
[Sofia]
Last naked party I'll be at. [laughs]
Thank you, Gerald.
It is so my pleasure, Molly.
Goodbye, Vagineers.
Bye. [chuckles]
Rhonda, I don't belong on this island.
Oh, no, dear. No.
But you do.
Oh, I just knew
that you were gonna get there, dear.
- I just knew. [laughs]
- Oh.
- I feel so seen.
- [chuckles]
Thank you.
[laughing] Oh.
I get to stay.
I'm staying.
Yay! [laughs] We'll meet again.
- [laughs]
- Molly!
- Who is that?
- I don't know.
Khakis and loafers and…
Oh, God. This is so boring.
Oh, my God. It's Arthur.
- [Molly] Arthur?
- Molly!
What are you doing here?
- I've been looking for you.
- What?
Ever since that night at my house
when we kissed.
You guys kissed?
- I'm so sorry about that.
- No, no, no. It's okay.
After you left, I-I broke up with Willa,
and I went after you.
I-I tried calling, but you never answered.
Oh, well, I took her phone.
It's called "Bye-Bye Mode."
And it is absolutely br…
I'll tell you about it later.
But I wasn't gonna stop.
I needed to see you.
So I started looking for you
at every single one of your properties
across the world.
Oh, no. There are so many.
I used all my Marriott Bonvoy points
and my Southwest Rapid Rewards.
I have been to so many places.
I have seen so many things.
I'm just so glad
there was a Starbucks everywhere,
so that I could at least eat
one plain bagel a day.
- Not even cream cheese?
- No, it's too spicy.
But I'm here now,
and, Molly, I wanna be with you.
I always have.
For a very, very long time.
Probably since the day we met.
I hope that's not weird.
It isn't.
And all the complications,
all the reasons why not… I don't care.
I just want us to be together forever.
This is gorgeous.
In a boy-girl way.
- And he ruined it right there at the end.
- Just a little bit.
So, what do you think?
Sofia, I'd like to report
an inappropriate office relationship.
[chuckles]
["Rhythm of the Night" playing]
[both chuckle]
Bacchanal!
[all cheering]
[song continues]