On the Buses (1969) s03e01 Episode Script

Hey, I'm starving, where's the sausage rolls?
Oh, blimey, I forgot those, hang on, I'll stick them up.
On the manifold, here.
Oh, blimey, that's not a treat, mate.
Look at that, good job the engine was over-eating.
Oh, mate, here, where's the chips?
Oh, yeah, hang on.
Nah, want another couple of minutes, yeah?
Here, Greg, how long have we got to go?
I mean, when were you out?
Five minutes ago.
Five minutes?
Blimey, we've got another 10 minutes, yeah, haven't we?
Yeah, we'd better watch it now.
Old Hitler's on the warpath today.
Old Blakey?
Yeah.
He'll never come to the cemetery gates.
The only time he'll come here, mate, is when they crack him in a box.
You two must have driven me into an early grave, wouldn't you?
Come on, when do you think you're on, you two lazy loafing larding layabouts?
Well, I was having a bit of crab at dinner.
Dinner?
Yeah.
You're supposed to be due out five minutes ago.
We couldn't, the chips weren't ready.
Let's have another go.
Oh, beautiful, that's my one.
Chips?
What do you think you're on, mate?
You're supposed to be running a service, we're not about to fork them in
public.
Let them get their own chips.
Wait, come on, get that knob cleaned up, come on, jump to it.
You've checked the top deck, have you?
Of course I have.
I don't believe you, I'll check it myself.
You two change the destination boards and get that knob cleaned up right away,
come on.
Hey, Planky, lend us your pencil, will you?
I want to fill in my weight bill.
Yeah, it's a vector, eh?
Just right for stirring up tea, eh?
Go on, we'll get our chip boards, mate.
Yeah, I'll give you a hand.
Come on, then.
A bit of wine.
I'll tell you when.
Morning.
Right, where are we?
No, where are we?
Right, no, back, back, back a bit, hurry up, back a bit.
That'll do, we'll go there.
Right, this tea tastes funny.
I'm not surprised.
Before you stirred the tea with that pencil, he had it in his mouth.
There might not be an antidote for it.
You're sure he had this in his mouth?
Of course I did.
Look, you can see his teeth marks on the end of the pencil.
No wonder they call him Dracula.
Oh, oh, oh, God.
What's happened to him?
Oh, oh, oh.
Hello, Planky, what's up?
What's that?
He's slipped on the chips.
Blimey, we can't eat them now.
Hey, perhaps he's broken something.
Yeah, he has, look.
He's clipped one.
Here you are.
Here you are.
Oh!
He, uh, he don't look too good to me.
Never did.
Hey, get the first aid book, mate.
Yeah, all right, yeah.
What do you want?
Oh, go home!
You've got balls, you've got balls.
I'll strain his leg out.
No, don't, no, no, don't leave it.
You've got to have it.
Leave it!
That's it, right now, then.
What's it say?
Here you are.
False.
Untold damage can be done by moving an injured person.
Don't attempt to change the position of the victim until the nature of the
injury is known.
Otherwise
Otherwise what?
Dunno, next page's been torn out.
I'll see if I can find me any damage he's done, then.
It's me leg.
Oh, no, it's your leg, Blanky.
Hang on a minute, mate.
I think
Does it hurt there?
No, it doesn't.
How about there?
Ow!
That's it, that's his knee.
Look, watch it, watch it.
Oh!
It hurts.
Yeah, it hurts.
Have you got any cold water?
Where the hell am I going to get cold water from?
Oh, it's alright.
My tea's stone cold.
We'll use that.
You can't put that all over me!
Go away, I had a bit of a cold.
It's canteen tea.
Kills all known germs.
How am I going to get it up his leg, then?
Well, shove it up his trousers.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, oh, oh, oh.
No, wait a minute.
He's too tall.
I can't get it up there.
I've got an idea.
Hang on.
Open the coat a minute, Blakey, will you?
Oh, yeah.
Go away!
What's he doing?
You can't do it in a public place!
What are you talking about?
I'm trying to get a cold compress on your knee.
Now, look here.
If I can't shove it down, and I can't shove it up, how am I going to get it on
there?
How do you feel about swallowing it?
Ow!
I'll tell you what I'll do.
I'll roll his trousers leg up as far as I can get it, and then
Oh.
Ooh.
Here.
Oh.
Here, look at that.
He's got a nasty gash on his leg, hasn't he?
Give us a plaster, Jack.
Here you are.
Yeah.
Hang on.
Take that stuff off before me.
I'll just get the bits off.
Yeah.
I never could do that properly.
Yeah, just like Bren Jam.
Always goes the wrong side up, doesn't it?
Yeah, never mind.
You can't use that now.
It's not sterile.
You're talking about this bus was scrubbed this morning.
Right.
Take it off.
Take it off!
Hey.
Take it off!
I just put it on.
Well, take it off again!
All right, then.
Ow!
I hate you, Bucko.
I hate you.
I hate you!
Get that cap and get me back to the demo, go on.
Yeah, all right, then.
Is there anything else we can do for you, Blackie?
Listen, give me my pencil back.
I'm putting almost anything in my report about you two.
Oh, blimey.
He's getting better, hasn't he?
Ow!
Oh, you couldn't kick your leg out, should you?
Help him back in the bus, now.
Come on, then.
Up you come.
That's it.
You weigh a tonne, you do.
Come on, then.
Oh, I'll never make it.
Hey, I'll tip it round there.
That'll do.
Here, I'll tell you what, Blackie.
Have a fag.
Take your mind off it.
Here.
All right, then.
Take it away!
No, no, no, no.
You do it properly.
To start the bus, give two distinct rings on the bell.
You stick to the regulations.
Yeah, stick to the regulations.
All right, I will.
If you're going to smoke, you'll have to go upstairs.
Put that fag out.
Ha ha ha ha ha!
Ow!
Oh!
Come on, then, Blackie.
There you go, Blackie.
All right.
All right, that'll be good, there.
That's it, now.
Come on.
It's steady.
You all right?
Give us a hand while you stand.
Come on, Blackie, we'll get you over to the first aid room, mate.
Oh, what's happened?
Oh, he slipped on the chips.
Oh, you poor thing.
Yeah, no, he's had his chips.
Oh, yeah, let me help.
I've got my first aid bench.
Oh, thank God, it's something with a bit of
Sit down on the bench, love.
You know what, my up, go on.
Let me see.
Oh, how nasty.
Oh, yeah, it's swollen.
Let's massage it, see if it helps.
God, Blimey, what a waste, eh?
How does that feel?
Let me see.
My knee hurts a little bit, I know this.
Better find out if it's swelling up.
It is swelling up, eh?
Blimey, mate, when I press you
Oh, Blimey, mate, I've taken her out some time, she's never done that to me.
That's probably cos you was trying to do it to her.
Stand up, love.
I'll support your leg to keep the weight off your ankle.
I'll give you a hand.
No, you won't, you go on.
If you put your hand in the wrong place, it could lead to trouble.
I bet it's not the first time a bird's said that to you.
Give her a hand, Rosie.
Oh, Blimey, look at that, isn't it marvellous, eh?
And he's only got a strain.
I'd strain myself with those two any day.
Let's have a cup of tea, mate, come on.
Oh, well
I heard this noise, see?
And he slipped on the chips.
And he got his leg twisted right under him.
I've never laughed at that since I've interrupted himself.
Well, it could have been very serious.
It could have ruined him for life.
It did.
I'm afraid I don't find it very amusing.
Why, look, mate, Blimey, what was I supposed to do?
It's elementary, mate, you keep the patient warm, you then look round to see if
he's all right for treating for shock.
Oh, come off it, all right?
Supposing he hadn't had shock?
If he saw you were treating him, he soon would have, wouldn't he?
Blimey, we want a public servant driving a bus.
It's up to you to know how to cope with sprains and fractures.
Yes, and burns.
Burns?
Yes.
What do I want to know about burns for?
Well, it can happen very easily.
Only yesterday I upset a saucepan full of sprouts.
Blimey, we don't get saucepans of sprouts on the bus, do we?
No, mate, but you do carry vast quantities of inflammable fuel.
Well, as it so happens, Mr Clever-Bunce, I do know how to treat burns.
Oh?
Yeah.
You put marge on them.
What a lot of rot you two talk!
No, Arthur, he's perfectly right.
I always put marge on their burns when they was little.
Here, do you remember the time Olive sat on the poker?
Yeah.
I massaged her little bottom with marge.
Little bottom?
That strains the imagination.
Anyway, that marge took the burn right out.
Oh, no, it didn't.
I've still got a scar.
I've never seen it.
You've only been married nine years, haven't you?
Well, as I got older, the skin stretched and it moved and it came round to my
stomach.
Must have made a very long journey.
Arthur.
I'll show it to you tonight, Arthur.
You do that lovingly and I'll treat him for shock.
So, anyway, old Hitler may never walk again with a bit of luck.
Oh, poor love.
See you, dog.
Ta-ra.
Morning, Jack.
Nice morning this morning.
It's not, you know, look.
Dracula walks again.
He should have put more nails in his coffee.
Get that fag out, come on.
Blakey, how's the knee then?
Yeah.
Doctor says I've strained a ligament in it.
Yeah, well, it can easily do that, you know.
When you've got your leg twisted under you like you had it.
I didn't do it when I had it twisted under me.
I did it when you straightened it out.
Get out of my
I've got an official notice here from the office.
Oh, yeah?
It concerns yous too.
Read it, Jack.
What's it say?
What's it say?
It has come to the notice of the management that some busmen have not studied
the first aid manual.
All bus crews will therefore be tested on their first aid knowledge as and when
notified.
When will that be?
We used to.
Tomorrow morning.
Who's going to test us then?
I am.
You?
What do you know about the subject?
I've been a victim, haven't I?
That's what I know about it.
And anyone who don't pass the test is going to be delegated to other filthy
tasks, i.e. cleaning or maintenance.
Blakey, I've got a date with a bird tonight.
So?
I won't have time to study the first aid, will I?
So I can always practise that bit about stretching them out and loosening their
clothing.
Oh, go on.
What I meant, if I haven't got time to study the manual, do I get extra time?
Oh, yes, you can have all the time in the world.
Because if you're not ready to take the test tomorrow morning, you're going to
be suspended.
LAUGHTER Upsets me to see him like that, Jack.
It's all right, it's only strained his leg.
That's what upsets me.
He should have broken his flaming neck.
Suspected fracture.
Place casualty in comfort position with injured part well supported.
Don't give the
Don't give the patient anything to eat or drink because they may shortly be
having an anaesthetic.
If the patient
Oh, blimey, I'll never learn it on my own.
KNOCKING Arthur!
KNOCKING Blimey, he goes to bed to die, this fella.
What do you want?
It's gombit night.
Arthur, I've got to learn my first aid by tomorrow morning.
I'll never do it, give us a hand, will you?
Well, that is your fault, mate.
You should have studied it earlier.
I suppose you were out wasting your time on some bird.
You are dead right.
She was a complete loss.
Well, I'm very sorry, but I'm going back to bed to get some shut-eye.
Oh, Arthur, there you are.
I've had me bath, are you coming to bed?
Aye.
Aye?
Yeah.
No.
As a matter of fact, I was going to help Stan here with his first aid.
How long are you going to be?
About half an hour.
But I've used that new soap and scented bath oil.
I've had a glamour bath.
Have you, really?
You didn't stay in long enough.
How is your wound?
Look, it's made me skin all soft and smooth.
Yeah, it's brought out the exotic radiance of your chill-blades, hasn't it?
Right, let's get on with it, then.
Yeah.
What did you get up to?
Er, page two, er, a bit about fractures, yeah.
Right.
How do you make a sling?
A sling?
Yes, a sling, they're bound to ask you that.
Well, blimey, I ain't got nothing to make one with, have I?
Well, you just have to improvise, won't you?
Here, give us those tights.
There we are.
Oh, Arthur, it's not right, you're wearing my tights around your neck like
that.
Well, it's all right, love, as long as you're not in them.
Come on, get on with it, get on with it.
Here, here, this is a smashing idea of yours, Arthur.
I mean, if we happen to have a casualty on the bus, you see, I nip up to the
nearest bird, whip my tights off and say it's an emergency.
Do you mind stop drooling and get on with it?
How's it, then, love?
It says here the hands should be pointed up at the shoulder.
How's that?
Will you stop messing about?
I wasn't messing about!
I won't help.
Oh.
Let's get on with the next thing.
Haemorrhage and bleeding.
Right.
Right.
You've got to act fast to save someone's life, what do you do?
Er, er
Come on, come on.
All right, all right, don't rush me.
Put a sticking plaster on it.
Ha!
Sticking plaster's not going to help my cut artery, is it, mate?
You've got to put pressure on the pressure points, you've got to learn where
they are.
You want to practise on someone?
But I ain't got nobody to practise on, have I?
Right.
Olive, lie on the bed.
I said lie on the bed.
Don't get excited, love.
Just practise being a patient.
Right.
Now, then, tell me where you'd press to stop the blood gushing out her foot,
say.
Er
There?
No.
There?
No.
There?
My good man, higher up.
You're a rascal, you do it.
No, I'm not, I'm not, I'm a fussy.
All right, I will show you.
You press very firmly there.
Oh, Arthur, sure that's the right place?
All right, you show me now.
Right.
If the blood's gushing out, you press firmly there.
No, you don't.
You press there.
While you're pressing there, that's squirting out all over the place, doesn't
it?
It's off gush.
Oh, Arthur, please, I feel all funny.
Shut up, mate.
I mean, you know how squeamish she is about things like that.
All your talk about gushing here and gushing everywhere.
It does, mate.
Look, the human body contains ten pints of blood.
What you're carrying on should be down to a last spoonful.
Will you stop it?
Gushing here and gushing there.
You can't lose all that amount, but it can't all come out.
Oh, yes, it can.
All right, what about the guillotine, then?
Well
When they chopped her bloke's head off, blood came gushing up through a big
hole in his neck.
I mean, it's like a great big pump.
If it gave her an extra pump, the executioner got another eyeful, I suppose.
There's no need to be persistent.
Oh, I feel all
Wrong, she's fainted.
But you're doing first aid, what do you do?
I ain't got up in that bit yet.
Well, I can tell you what, mate.
The first thing you don't do is panic.
It is quite simple.
You just put the head down in between the knees.
What's that do?
Let's the blood come back the head.
Blimey, you're off about the blood again.
Will you turn it in?
Yeah, I can't get it down.
Why not?
Her stomach's in the way.
Well, if you can't get her head to her knees, let's get her knees to her head,
then.
Come out of it.
How's that?
Oh, don't be so stupid.
You can't get it down.
It's the head that has to go down between the knees.
Oh, she's got that.
Right, right, right.
There we are, sunshine, all over.
Are you all right?
See, that was the shock of the head.
The blood coming back to the head to brawl around.
Yeah, it's a shock of you kissing her to brawl around, mate.
Right-o, sunshine, let's get you back to bed.
Come on.
Oh, blimey, I thought I'd gone all dizzy.
Oh, blimey, she's fainted again.
Well, pick her up and put her on the bed.
You must be joking.
She weighs half a tonne.
Give us a name.
Pick her up and put her on the bed, and I'll look up Rapture for you.
Dizzy spells, dizzy spells.
Dizzy spells.
Blimey, it says I'm on the turn.
Well, Blakey, we passed the test.
I bet that pleased you.
Oh, yeah, set me right back, that did, yeah.
Just as me leg was getting better and all.
I tell you what, you were very lucky that it was Inspector Gardner who tested
you, I tell you that much.
Was I?
I'd have fouled you for a certainty.
I see you've got a nice new little box there.
Yeah, yeah.
You see, you keep that tiddly tidy this time.
Yeah, tiddly tidy.
Oh, this first day's a load of rubbish, really.
I mean, with me driving, when did we ever have an accident?
You tell me, when was the last time we had an accident?
I see you had one yesterday.
Eh?
You came in on time.
Get that bus out, come on.
Well, don't you worry, from now on, Blakey, we can cure broken arms, broken
legs, dislocated shoulders, crushed ribs, even a broken neck.
Yeah.
I'd like to see you do that, mate.
Would you?
Stand in front of that bus and I'll give you the lot.
What do you keep ding-ding-dinging the bell for?
Well, you did better at first aid than me, didn't you?
Yeah, but what's that got to do with it?
Know anything about babies?
Well, a little bit.
What's wrong with it?
I don't know.
It's not born yet.
Eh?
There's a woman upstairs just about to have it.
I'll run her to the hospital.
No, no, no, there's no time for that, mate.
I just sent that kid for the ambulance.
You'd better get up there, see what he can do.
Give her a hand.
Me?
You must be potty, mate.
I can't even get a bit of grit out a person's eyes.
Listen, it's not our responsibility.
Oh, yes, it is.
She's paid her fair.
Well, give her an ambulance and tell her to get off.
Look, mate, she is about to have it upstairs any minute now.
But she can't.
Is anybody up there with her?
Yeah, there's some dying with her.
Thank God for her.
Oh, here she is now.
I think I can cope with this.
I happen to be a nurse.
Oh, good.
Have you got a first aid box?
Oh, yeah, I'll get it for you.
Quick, quick, quick, get it, get it, mate, get it.
Come on, come on.
Let's have a look.
Yeah, I think so.
Yeah, a pair of tweezers.
We're trying to deliver the woman's baby.
Pluck her eyebrows.
This is all your fault.
My fault?
Why?
You went too fast down Green Lane, over that humpback bridge.
My back was nut on the roof.
God knows what's happened to the babies.
I really do, actually.
I have to have some help.
One of you will have to come up.
Yeah, well, my mate's very good at first aid.
I'm just a driver.
I'm only a driver.
Driver?
Good.
You'll have a good firm grip.
Come on.
It's not fair.
I mean, I'm not the father.
Well, neither am I.
Well, if that bird's a regular, there's a 50-50 chance you are.
Come on, David.
I want your assistance.
Come on.
Go on.
I'll keep an eye out for the ambulance.
It's not fair.
I mean, I only just passed me first aid this morning.
Driver, come along.
Go on.
You've got good, strong hands.
How about feeling them round your throat, eh?
Yeah.
How was it?
You all right?
It's the most marvellous experience I've ever had in my life.
Oh.
Thank you.