Rescue Me s03e01 Episode Script
Devil
Previously on rescue me my name is Tommy, and, uh, I'm an alcoholic.
Thanks, Tom.
You're tellin' me that I Have to put my wife of 31 years Into a home? Good-Bye, jerry.
Thank you.
Mm-Hmm.
For a great date.
She loves me, I love her.
Tommy and me, we're renewing Our vows.
Hey, congratulations.
That's a surprise.
$26,340.
You take it, you Give it to him, he lets you go.
I don't belong to f-Bomb Anymore.
I don't belong to Anyone.
He took the money? Yes, sir.
I was completely fooled.
How long did you know her? Uh, a little over a month.
Said she could buy her way out If she had enough money to give To her pimp.
I gave her $18,000.
Did she give you a name? She told me her name was Candy.
Dad, got a little surprise For you.
Hey, daddy.
She never E Deceto her own Mother's funeral.
She's chang Come on over here.
Get in the truck! What happened? Get in the truck! Now! You can't keep your eye onyour own so Bike down the goddamn block.
I told him to go inside and Get his helmet.
Yeah, but you didn't check to Make sure he did, Tommy.
You can't blame Tommy.
There Was nothing that he could have Done.
You don't know that.
We got the guy, Tommy.
Turns Out this guy, he's had like 5 D.
U.
I.
S in the last 3 years.
People are tellin' me he's gonna Skate on this one.
Find out what time the train Comes in on Friday.
Take care of the girls for you.
Let me do it, Tom.
Let me do One good thing.
Let me do it for Connor.
All right, girls, good night.
OK.
Daddy? Yes.
Is uncle teddy gonna die In the electric chair? No, honey.
Uncle teddy did a Very bad thing, and he's gonna Be in jail for a very long time, But nobody's gonna kill him, OK? OK.
Good night.
Does Connor come and visit You? What, honey? Ams and stuff.
No.
Why? Sometimes hisit Me in my dreams.
What--What does he say? He's always r Is Connor in limbo? No, honey, there's no such Thing as limbo, OK? No limbo.
So if there's no limbo and There's no heaven, then where is He? He's--He's here, and he's in Here.
What? That was really lame, dad.
All right, well, it's--I was Thinking on my feet.
That's all I had to work with on such short Notice.
Now good night.
Girls, stay where you are! Here I come, girls! Uh.
Ahh.
All right.
Up and at 'em, Sunshine.
Oh, man, what, did you piss the Bed again? I knew I shouldn't have drunk Those last five glasses of wine.
Dammit, it's like havin' a Goddamn baby around the house Again.
Uh, you should be so lucky.
Yeah, well, watch that shit.
You know--You know how many Firemen wish they could be in Jumping ship?H a pain in the You should be out drinking And- And banging Young broads and, hopefully, Knocking one up so we can get a Goddamn boy back into this Family.
We need another set of Balls to keep the Gavin family Tradition alive in the FDNY.
You know what? You're Cleaning the sheets this time.
I don't know how to clean Sheets.
I'm a goddamn war hero, Asshole.
Oh, yea well, get your fat Goddamn war hero ass into the Shower right now.
I'm havin' that 83rd Birthday party, asshole.
You'll Be lucky if I invite you.
* on another day,n, come on, With these ropes I tied, Can we do no wrong? Now we grieve 'Cause now is gone, Things were good When we were young, With my teeth locked down I can see the blood Of a thousand men Who have come and gone, Now we grieve 'Cause now is gone, Things were good When we were young, Is it safe to say? Come on, come on, Was it right to leave? Come on, come on, Will I ever learn? Come on, come on, Come on, come on, Come on, come on * Sony pictures television.]
Yeah, you know he wants to.
He's, like, hell-Bent on having This 83rd birthday party.
He's Just driving me nuts with it, You know what I mean? So I can't Afford to hire somebody, and, You know, you two get along, so I figured what's in this for me? You know what? Let me tell You something.
In a normal Family situation, you know, Somebody asking a sister-In-Law To help out with the paternal Grandfather would be considered, Like, you know, run of the mill Stuff.
Yeah.
Here's the thing.
In a Normal family, a chick who Marries a cousin wouldn't be Considered a sister-In-Law, Number one, and when that cousin Dies it does not signal open banging Season on said sister-In-Law.
Hey, hey! That was a 2-Way Street, sister.
Really? Hang on.
Yeah? Yo, it's me.
Yeah, look, I Talked to Janet, and I got her List of demands for you.
It took you long enough.
What do you want me to say, Bro? She hates your guts.
I Mean, just gettin' her not to Call a lawyer, it took 2 months.
Could we go over this tonight, Please? Yeah.
I mean, pick a join Call me back, and, uh, leave the Address on my voicemail, all Right? Yeah, whatever.
Bye.
Hello.
Also, listen, I need you totalk to DA Condoms in his room.
Look, he's almost 18 years Old.
There's porn all over the Internet, OK? All kinds of Porn--Hardcore, softcore, Midgets blowin' sheep.
I think He's probably pretty up to date.
Listen, talk to him while You're driving 'cause then that Way, he doesn't feel like he's Gotta make eye contact with Sheel, I--I can't do this.
Do you want me to take care Of the old man? All right.
Hello? Hey.
Hey, how ya doin'? How ya doin'? I lost another 5 pounds--83 Total.
Wow.
Yeah.
This murder one's the Best goddamn diet I ever been On.
Uh-Huh.
So eddie told me You're thinkin' of mountin' a Antidepressant slash food Allergy slash insanity defense.
Yeah.
Uh-Huh.
And exactly what Foods would you be allergic to? Every goddamn one of 'em.
I See anything--Meat, doughnuts, Raisins, I lose my mind.
You Know that.
I didn't know about the Oh, my God.
They're Insidious.
Right.
And the antidepressant Thing? Whiskey.
Scotch.
Pot.
Lookit.
I'm just havin' a little fun at The expense of the system.
Let's face the fac.
I did the Deed, and I'm fine doin' my time Behind that.
Every once in a While, I feel a little bit Guilty about pullin' that Trigger.
I just think of the Other people, kids like Connor, A dog or two, maybe somebody's Mom or dad that that shit-Faced Asshole would've ended up Killin' if somebody didn't stop Him.
Listen, I'm doin' fine In here.
I did the right thing.
I'm at peace.
All right.
Good.
How's your dick? Out of practice.
Yeah.
I know the feelin'.
See Ya next week.
OK.
God damn it, jerry, where the Hell are my handcuffs? Jesus,are you tak Could've killed another 5 people In here already.
Come on.
Let's Go.
You all right, Tommy? Mikey! Got her, Mike? Got her, fr Yeah, I got her.
I got one here.
I see her.
Jerry! Yep.
You got one? Yeah.
Get her up.
Come on.
I got her.
I got your back.
Oh, hey, look.
Wow! Rats.
Oh, great.
Jesus, my Favorite.
Wow, and what the hell Is this? That a former Turtle.
Ugh! Man, let's get the hell Out of here.
This kind of shit Skeeves me.
Hey, uh, let me ask you Something.
What's up? How do you feel about snakes? I hate 'em.
Why? Because you're not gonna like What I'm about to tell ya.
Why, what's up? Look.
Aah! Ugh! Jesus! Aah! Aah! Snakes? Snakes.
Snake snakes? Anaconda type snakes, OK? Holy shit.
Yeah.
20 years on this job, I've saved everything--Cats, Dogs, birds, ferrets.
Yeah, don't forget that Goddamn iguana up on 125th four Years ago.
Yeah, but you know what? Snakes--I--That's some real Satan type bullshit right there.
Snakes and bats-- Steinbrenner-- That's where we draw the Line, Chief.
What? You think it's funny, Chief? Having some legless, Leathery, um--What's the, uh, What's the word I'm lookin' for? Cock.
Cock's a good wor They are like Big, slimy, legless-- Cocks.
Hey, guys, check it out.
Pretty cool, huh? Rest my case.
Hey, somebody call animal Control.
There's a goddamn Alligator in the bathtub.
Who knew noah was alive and Well and livin' up in harlem? Must be the rents.
Hey, Chief, you know, that Really wasn't that funny.
Yeah.
Side of the mouth Sarcasm.
Worthy of a snicker, maybe.
Chuckle at best.
I'm laughin' at the Cigarettes, boys.
Enjoy 'em While you can.
I spoke to the Grinch this mornin'.
As of Tomorrow at 6 A.
M.
Sharp, he's Banning all smoking in the Firehouse.
What? I'm tellin' ya.
You gotta be shittin' me.
Hey, what's goin' on? Yeah, did you, uh, you hear About this smokin' ban? What? Guys, mayor put that Law into effect, like, 5 years Ago.
Come on.
Get your head out Of your asses and read a Newspaper every once in a while.
Jesus! I'm gonna kill him.
Bullshit, Chief.
Huh? We can Fight fires, eat smoke for a Living, but we can't smoke in The firehouse.
Yeah, right.
We can suck down square miles Of the shit, black, white, grey, Brown, pick a goddamn color, all Day and night on the job.
Yeah, but we can't smoke a Harmless little finger like the Goddamn cancer stick in the Firehouse.
The key word there, boys, is Cancer.
Hey, wow, this is really Weird.
You know what? This Is--You know what this is? This Is, uh, this is ironic.
No,onic.
Hey, you know what? You--You Guto pay serious Attention to what I'm about to Suggest here because I don't Know if I've ever felt so Serious about anything in my Tomorrow, quit smoking.
Suggestat all of Hey, come on.
Hey, hey.
You know what? Hey, I got the Bowler.
I got the bowler in my Hand, and I'm gonna smash it if You don't pay attention to me.
Hey, hey, you realize that That bowler you hold in your Hands right now is a completely Irreplaceable antique item that I personally sought out and Bought for this very firehouse.
Oh, yeah? I realize-- You told--Wait, wait.
You Told me you bought that for me.
For the house.
Shut up a second, all right? Jesus! What's the matter with You guys? Nobody ever listens to Me around here ever.
I was Tryin' to tell you guys Somethin'.
Listen, I been datin' this Chick, all right? This really Great chick, and she--She likes Me a lot, OK? She thinks I'm Funny, and she thinks I'm smart.
Hey, don't look at him.
Don't--You two.
Chhanyway, The point is, she's been Badgering me about quitting Smokin', and you know what? I'm Gonna do it.
OK? I'm gonna r, so Maybe--Maybe the big, tough boys Need to take a good, long, hard Look at themselves in the Mirror, and--And think Their kids and everybody who's Important to them and do it for Them.
Huh? So this--This new girlfriend Of yours obviously is a Non-Smoking, uh-- Oh, no.
No.
No.
She--She Okes like a fiend.
But, uh, she wants you to Quit.
Yeah.
Yeah.
She's pretty Adamant about .
And--And the poinof that Is? Uh, to prove to her that I Really care about her.
Hello? Hold on.
Hold on here.
Hold On.
Money talks and bullshit Walks.
You want to quit smokin', Everybody throws 50 bucks into The kitty, all right? First time You're caught smokin', another And so forth, till you're either Broke or you go crazy and insane From the nicotine withdrawal.
The end of the month, the last Man standing takes the whole Pot.
If there's a tie, we draw Names out of a hat.
So, Chief, when would the Contest start? Right now.
Cold turkey.
No Gum, no gizmos, nothin'.
How about, like, 3 minutes From now? All right.
Go! Hey, Tom, no time like the Present, huh? Yeah.
Hey, how much you been Smokin' man? Oh, yeah, well, you know, I Because keela's always lecturin' Me about secondhand smoke and How it's bad for the kids.
Yeah.
Blah, blah, blah.
What about You? Well, since my kids left, I Been a human chimney.
Yeah.
Hey, probie, you know Anything about this chick Garrity's been seeing? Nah.
He's been pretty Tight-Lipped about her.
I know She's older though.
Oh, yeah? How much older? Like a lot older.
She was Watching Monday night football The night they announced John Lennon got shot.
Well, yeah, that was, like Could've been, like, 5 years Old.
She had a bet on the game.
Wow.
Hey, you know, guys, you Know, I'm not gonna be probie Much longer.
You know, in a few More wee I'm gonna be a Full-Fledged firefighter.
Uh-Huh.
Hey, you gonna stay with the Crew? Yeah, I hope so.
Yeah, well, then you'll Always be the probie to us.
See Ya later.
Hey, uh, you wanna get Together sometime soon and Chase Some tail, Tom? Uh, nah what about you, probie? You Down with that? Frank, I'm gonna be a Full-Fledged firefighter.
Yeah, whatever.
Smoke? I barely even studied last Night, and I know I aced it.
You Know the first-- All right, I'll see ya later.
Hey.
Hey.
What's up? Get in.
Somethin' wrong? Somethin' wrong.
I--What, Your godfather who happens to Love you very very much, by the Way, can't come and pick you up At school without there being Something wrong? Something's wrong.
Get in.
We Gotta talk.
Pretty cool lookin' thunderbird.
This is about the condoms, Isn't it? What? The whole point of talking To a teenager about sex while You're in a moving vehicle is so That neither one of has to make Eye contact.
Sorry.
I got--I got ya.
Sorry.
Sorry.
All right, look, I--I Purposely left the condoms in a Drawer that I know she checks.
It was my way of telling her That I w, you know, sexually Active.
You are? Well, what did you think I Was doin', sellin' them? I--I didn't--I--I wasn't Sure.
No.
I've been havin' sex for Months now.
So you don't really need to Have the sex talk then, right? Eyes.
Right.
The sex talk? No.
I got plenty of information From Mrs.
Turbody.
Mrs? She's my science teacher.
Oh.
OK.
Cool.
Good.
All Right.
This girl that you're ha You know-- Sex with? Yeah.
Yeah.
She seems pretty young.
I Mean-- Well, it--She looks a lot Younger than she is.
Mean, she looks lik Well, she's 38, but, uh, she Looks like she could pass for-- Wait, wait, wait--Whoa, whoa, Whoa.
Who's 38? You're making eye contact Again.
Sorry.
Who's 38? Mrs.
Turbody.
Holy shit! Hey, hey, watch the road, Man! Let me get this straight.
I'm bangin' my science Teacher.
Mrs.
Turbody, who's obviously Married.
No, no.
She's widowed, Actually.
That's kinda how we Connected.
Uh, you know, the Grieving process, the different Stages of it, blah, blah, blah.
Blah, Yeah.
I got that from you.
Yeah, I know where you got it From, OK? What are you so mad about? I'm not--I'm not angry.
I'm--I'm--I'm concerned, you Know? Gee, I--Are you OK? Yeah.
I mean--I mean, mentally, You--You know, you all right? Yeah.
I'm fine.
'Cause, you know, I--I've Read about these crazy teacher Broads, you know, havin' sex With their students, and, did She--Did she rape you? No! Oh.
Me a little.
Well, a, she Lot, actua You know, this is--Th Serious stuff.
I mean, this Could scar you for life.
Yeah, I sure as hell hope so.
No, I mean, you could Literally end up bein' my age And still have the--The mental Images from this, you know, in The front of your brain.
Seriously? Yeah.
Whoo! Ha ha! All right! Gimme 5.
All right, we're goin' back To the school, and I'm gonna Talk to Mrs.
Peabody.
Turbody.
Whatever.
But I like her.
I'm sure you do.
What's not To like? What the hell? Where Was Mrs.
Turbody when I was in School? I had sister Mary Shovelface, you get sharon Stone.
Christ.
Hey.
Hey, hi.
Very French.
I stopped by your place to Tidy up and bring in the mail, And I noticed that this came From the center.
Oh, great.
Thanks, rose.
I thought you'd want to see It right away.
You'll be paying Your first visit to jeannie any Day now.
This might be good News.
Yeah.
Ah well? They're raisin' the rent.
Oh! The monthly charges.
How much more a month are They askin Ohat's highway Yeah, tell me about it.
Listen, I got money in the Bank, money I never use.
Let me Help.
Rose, forget it, huh? So ihave to wor Overtime tours a month.
It's not Gonna kill me.
But thanks.
All right, listen, I gotta Run to the ladies.
Will you Order me a sea breeze? Sure, it's on its way.
Yes? Come in.
Mrs.
Turbody? Yes.
Oh, my God.
How can I help you? I'm, uh--I'm here about my Godson, Damian Keefe? Oh, yes.
He's a wonderful Student.
Bit of a handful Sometimes, though.
Mm-Hmm.
He's not taking any of my Classes this semester.
Oh.
He's taking my daughter's Science class.
She finds him to Be, apparently, very Entertaining.
Hmm.
Her classroom is one flight Up, end of the hall.
OK, thank you.
You're very welcome.
OK.
So let's do another one.
Uh, excuse me? So that's the chemical Equation I'm lookin' for Mrs.
Turbody.
Right here.
You're, uh no, no,y.
Do you Want to ask me something? Um, I'm, uh, Damian Keefe's, Uh, godfather.
That's who I am.
You know what? Why don't you Take that and go in the other But I thought you said I could stay.
Just go.
So you're Damian's godfather, And? Andand, quite frankly, Missy, I'm pretty disgusted by The, uh--Thewhat are you Writing down? I'll only discuss this off School grounds, over drinks in a Dark, very quiet saloon, Mr uh, Tommy.
Mr.
Tommy, um Mr.
Tommy? Yes, Mr.
Tommy Gavin.
You're the firefighter.
Right.
He's told me about you.
What did he say? About the pills and the booze And the affair you had with his Mother.
OK.
I can explain almost all Of that.
Call me.
Oh, God.
Well? We got a situation here.
What are you talkin' about? You gotta stop foolin' around Hook 'cause I gotta have some Time to figure this thing out.
No way, man.
I love her.
You love her.
You know, every Time you have, you know sex.
It called sex.
I know what it'E If there are some cigarettes in That glove compartment.
I could Have sworn I left some in here.
Uhno.
Shit.
Ugh! All right, here's The deal.
You ever look, you Know, behind your mom's TV setthe home E System, all that stuff is? You ever look behind there? No.
OK, if you did, you'd see That there's a whole, you know, Gaggle of wires back there and Connections and stuff, and There's inputs and there's Outputs, and it's kind of like Your interior pleasure center.
Like your brain is wired Directly to your penis, OK? So, You know, you got all kinds of Inputs and outputs.
If you put The wrong input into the wrong Output, next thing you know, Your brain is sendin' the wrong Signal to your dick, and you can Get completely screwed up, OK? So it's OK now when you're 18 Years old, and you're bangin' a Hot, you know, 38-Year-Old Mrs.
Turbody, but then, you know, you Could turn into a 45-Year-Old Man--My age--And, you know, All of a sudden, You want to bang That? Huh? No.
Huh? You ever see your Grandmother naked? Hell, no! OK, I'm talkin' about seein' Her naked wantin' to bang Her.
You want that? Now, that's Completely screwed up.
I'm late.
Now you gotta come to my next Appointment with me.
As far as Your mom's concerned, you are Sellin' these condoms in school, Just like you were sellin' those Drugs.
Got it? Yeah, got it.
All right.
Wait.
I can still think about Mrs.
Turbody when I jerk off, Right? Let me ask you somethin'.
You Call her Mrs.
Turbody when, you Know, you're foolin' around? Yeah.
Oh what was that? That was me almost pukin'.
You happy now? And it's been 3 Months since I've been sober, And he's just waitin' for me to Fail! My dad, he's just waitin' For me to fail.
It's just like He always says wow.
This place is really Full of freaks, huh? Shh, come on.
Sorry.
All I want to do is run Out and have 3 or 4 martinis injust to k What's up? Huh? What's up? Huh? No, I just quit smokin'.
Cold turkey? What do you think? I'm gonna do it, I swear To God.
Why? You got some on you? No.
Huh? Hey, hey, what are you Doin'? When'd you start smokin'? I think you left a pack in my Mom's room about, uh all right.
Whoo! Ha ha! Holly, hold all my calls, Please.
Hello, Ms.
Jones.
I'm your New temp, rex longley.
Rex? That rhymes with Something.
Tell me.
How's your Dictation? You don't mind if I put my Foot on your desk, do you? So, uh, have you given any More thought to, you know, when We might, um tell Tommy? Yeah.
No.
Look, Sean, I like you.
You're a great guy, and I have a Ball when I'm out with you, and In the Sack, you're a blast.
But I'm not lookin' for a serious Thing.
Yeah.
No, no.
I know.
I Just--I don't know, it feels Dirty, you know? Like we're what, cheatin' on him? It's Funny, you know, 'cause every Guy I've ever banged who was a Friend of Tommy's has said that Exact same thing to me at one Y?Int or another.
Yeah.
It's like you're in Love with him, and I'm your Mistress.
[Laughi, no, That's notthat's not it.
I Just--You know, wait a second.
How many of Tommy's friends have Oh, drop it.
OK.
Because once we get into Numbers of any kind, then you're Gonna start thinking and Worryin' and obsessin', and then You're not gonna be able to get It up.
You want me to do that toe thing Later, right? Yeah, yeah! Of course.
So shut up and drink.
Right.
Pancho! Hey, can, uhcan we Get 2--You know what? Make it 4.
You quit smokin', right? Yes.
Good, 'cause I'm gonna go out And have one.
OK.
No, stay! Good boy.
Hey.
What's goin' on? How you doin'? Dami? Johnny? What's up, dami? Hey, uh, why don't you sit Down and grab yourself a coke at The bar, all right? We got some Serious stuff we gotta talk About.
Oh.
Divorce shit, right? Oooh! Wise ass.
I'll be over there.
Ahemso what's the story With this joint? This place was grandfathered In as a smoking joint before the Mayor got his ban in, you know? I figured you'd like it.
You Could smoke your ass off.
I just quit.
Oh, funny thing.
I just Started again.
Really? Yeah, I got a lot of pressure At work, you know? What the hell is he doin' Smokin', huh? It's my fault, apparently.
Yeah.
What isn't these days? Tell me about it.
So what do We got? So Janet's not gonna go the Lawyer route, so you don't have To waste any more of your money.
Like I'd be gettin' my Regular fee anyway, huh? So instead, she figured in Normally what you would've been Spending if you had hired eddie Here to represent you.
Yeah? Yeah.
So, Tommy, look, she's Willing to let you keep the Apartment, all right? But she Wants all the kids' clothes, She wants all the kids' Furniture, she wants the plasma TV, and she wants the car, Obviously.
All right? Uh-Huh.
And she wants you to cover All of her expenses and the Costs for the girls.
Uh-Huh.
Look, Tommy, no matter How yolook at this, you know? By not goin' through divor Court, even with my family Discount, you're savin' a Shitload of cabbage here.
That's right.
You guys tell her I'm keepin' The plasma.
That's a smart move.
You know, she figured that'd be Your first reaction, so she Ready agreed to that.
Really? Guess what? Tell her I'm, UhI'm keepin' the master Bedroom, too.
All right? No? No.
No? Look, Tommy, I told her you Were sick and tired of her not, You know, returning your calls Or even taking your calls, so She's agreed, once you've agreed To all this tonight, to give you A 10-Minute face to face Tomorrow morning, after the kids Go to school.
All right, Tommy, I'll double check on a time, and I'll get back to you, all ri This is total bullshit, you Know.
No one's more tired of bein' In the middle of this bullshit Than me.
I drop the kids off at Your place, I pick 'em up every Goddamn Sunday night.
Then I Gotta listen to her go on and on About, "how's the place look? Is Tommy sleepin' in his bed? How Does Tommy look? How does dad Look?" Blah blah friggin' blah! I'm sick of it.
So she asks about me.
I'm gonna kill him, man.
Sorry.
You know what? Just tell him About teddy, OK? All right.
The D.
A.
'S office Tells me that if he pleads Guilty, because of extenuating Circumstances, that they're Gonna be willing-- Hey, is she seein' someone? The point being, that you Need to back me up tomorrow with Teddy and tell him that this Whole food allergy slash Antidepressant-- You tell her I'm seein' Someone, OK? I'm seein', um I'm seein' a Tom! I can't take this anymore, Man.
I can't take this.
No, wait, a dancer.
A Ballerina.
I'm seein' a Ballerina.
Girls like her hate Ballerinas, man.
Yeah? Why is that, Tommy? 'Cause they're so, you know, Bendable.
Yeah.
I gotta go.
Thanks, guys.
He's out of his friggin' Mind, you know that? Why don't you shut the hell Up?! Ya--Ya goddamn sleeper Cell! U.
S.
A.
! Candy, on dvd: but tell me, what Else can you put on my desk? Hey.
So? I think he's sellin' em.
Really? Mm-Hmm.
So he's not having I so.
That's so sweet! Yeah.
I hate to say it, but I'm Glad.
Yeah.
Me, too.
So about my dad yeah.
Um, I was thinking that I would come over, like, 3 hours A day? Maybe come at, like, Perfect.
You look good.
You smell good's what I was Gonna say.
Yeah, I know.
All right.
See ya.
Yep.
So, I leave you in charge, Now the kid's havin' sex, he's Smokin', drinkin'.
Whoa, whoa.
Who said anything About drinkin'? When he was sittin' at the Bar, he was drinkin', OK? You Didn't even check on him.
He had a coke.
He had a rum and coke.
The Broad ordered it for him.
Look, you know, when we were His age-- No, I know.
Either one of us Would have given our left ball To get blown by a nun, never Mind be bangin' one.
I Understand.
I guess I should be Proud of my boy.
Yeah, well, I blame the System, you know what I mean? I Mean, they get these crazy Broads in there with these crazy Agendas.
They should Really--They should run Background checks on these People.
Really? That's funny 'cause I Blame you.
Why do you blame me? 'Cause I'm dead, all right? Who the hell else am I gonna Blame? Answer this.
Yeah.
Look, your meeting with, Uh, Janet's set for tomorrow Morning, 9 A.
M.
, her place.
All right? Cool.
Hey, umhey, John-- Ahem, uh, just want to say, uh, You know, I really appreciate What, uhyou know, everything You been doin'.
Drivin' the kids Back and forth and, you know, Checkin' in on her, you know, For me.
I appreciate it.
And Thanks.
John? Do me a favor then? Yeah, anything.
Blow me.
Ahem.
Let he who is Without sin St Stone.
Wow.
I didn't know Lou was a Pink floyd fan.
It was green day, asshole.
Wow.
That's even more Impressive.
Hey.
How ya doin'? Look, I know that you know About the guy that I've been Seeing, but I don't think it's Any of your business, so don't Ask me any questions.
Is he a chinaman? Don't screw this up for me.
You came here to talk.
Yeah.
You know, I, uhI've been over This in my head so many times in The last few months.
What I did Was, I responded to what I--This Is what I do at work, by the Way.
I responded to what I saw.
I saw the way he was on the Ground, the way his wounds Looked, OK? I--The best thing to Do was to take him then, OK? I Spoke to the guys at the local Firehouse.
They said it would Have taken at least 5 or 10 Minutes in traffic for them To arrive, so I did the right Thing.
I did my goddamn best Under the circumstances.
It wasn't enough.
OK, you came to me and asked To be taken back in.
You asked Me for a second chance, OK? I Gave you what you asked for, all Right? If there's blood on my Hands, there's blood on your Hands, too.
Till death do us Part.
Remember that? Who said That? Huh? So I was psychic.
Who knew? Put the rest on my tab.
You know the To come out of this is that now I don't have to watch Connor Grow up and turn out exactly Like you.
Get out of there! Find The one down the hall.
Anybody Here?! Hello! Hello! Lou? Come on! What do you got, A problem? Ready? Yeah! FDNY! Anybody home?! Hey, Lou! There you go.
Hey, sweetheart.
Hey.
Yeah.
There you go.
All right.
Jesus! That was a bitch, Huh? I almost puked on the Third floor.
That's that sausage and Pepper sandwich comin' back.
No, it was that old b I saved.
She shit her pants on The way down.
That's why they make Depends.
Jesus, it's cold for this Shit, huh? Should make a law That says you can only burn your House down in the summer.
Wait, wait.
What did you Say? I said it's too cold for This shit.
They should make a Law that says you just hadyou just had a Cigarette, didn't you? What the hell are you talkin' About? You just had a cigarette.
I did not.
Why would you say I'll tell you why Garritybecause this nose, OK? Is the FDNY's version of a Connoisseur.
It's true.
It has smelled every possible Type of smoke that a nose can, OK? This nose, when it comes to Smoke, is the be all and the end All, and you have just smoked a parliament.
Oh, man, he's good.
Holy shit.
How didou know what brand It was? I saw the same box lyin' on The ground as he did.
Hey, that's 50 bucks he's Gotta put in the kitty.
Time.
That's what the deal is.
It's 100.
I was just talkin' to her.
Hey, man, she's gone.
OK, come on.
Hey, uh, we gotta get her in The, uh hey, buddy.
OK, come on.
Pal-- Shut up! Tommy.
Tommy.
Back off! Hey, hey, hey! Or I'll kill everybody else Here, too, you got it? Come on, kid.
[Devil by the stereophonics Playing.]
Do you remember the day You left? I remember my last night Because I heard somethingifying.
* ever dance with the devil, Baby? Oh, no, Make my day, Do you feel lucky? Oh, no, Tomorrow's another day, Can you walk on water maybe? Oh, no, Turn water into wine? Can I buy you a drink there, Lady? Oh, no, Can you tell me another lie? So be my devil a Be my shooting star, Be my devil angel, Be my shooting star, Have I seen you somewhere, baby? Oh, no, I need another line, Are you livin' the dream there, Lady? Oh, no, Can I tell you what's inside? So be my devil angel, By my shooting star, Be my devil angel, Be my shooting star *
Thanks, Tom.
You're tellin' me that I Have to put my wife of 31 years Into a home? Good-Bye, jerry.
Thank you.
Mm-Hmm.
For a great date.
She loves me, I love her.
Tommy and me, we're renewing Our vows.
Hey, congratulations.
That's a surprise.
$26,340.
You take it, you Give it to him, he lets you go.
I don't belong to f-Bomb Anymore.
I don't belong to Anyone.
He took the money? Yes, sir.
I was completely fooled.
How long did you know her? Uh, a little over a month.
Said she could buy her way out If she had enough money to give To her pimp.
I gave her $18,000.
Did she give you a name? She told me her name was Candy.
Dad, got a little surprise For you.
Hey, daddy.
She never E Deceto her own Mother's funeral.
She's chang Come on over here.
Get in the truck! What happened? Get in the truck! Now! You can't keep your eye onyour own so Bike down the goddamn block.
I told him to go inside and Get his helmet.
Yeah, but you didn't check to Make sure he did, Tommy.
You can't blame Tommy.
There Was nothing that he could have Done.
You don't know that.
We got the guy, Tommy.
Turns Out this guy, he's had like 5 D.
U.
I.
S in the last 3 years.
People are tellin' me he's gonna Skate on this one.
Find out what time the train Comes in on Friday.
Take care of the girls for you.
Let me do it, Tom.
Let me do One good thing.
Let me do it for Connor.
All right, girls, good night.
OK.
Daddy? Yes.
Is uncle teddy gonna die In the electric chair? No, honey.
Uncle teddy did a Very bad thing, and he's gonna Be in jail for a very long time, But nobody's gonna kill him, OK? OK.
Good night.
Does Connor come and visit You? What, honey? Ams and stuff.
No.
Why? Sometimes hisit Me in my dreams.
What--What does he say? He's always r Is Connor in limbo? No, honey, there's no such Thing as limbo, OK? No limbo.
So if there's no limbo and There's no heaven, then where is He? He's--He's here, and he's in Here.
What? That was really lame, dad.
All right, well, it's--I was Thinking on my feet.
That's all I had to work with on such short Notice.
Now good night.
Girls, stay where you are! Here I come, girls! Uh.
Ahh.
All right.
Up and at 'em, Sunshine.
Oh, man, what, did you piss the Bed again? I knew I shouldn't have drunk Those last five glasses of wine.
Dammit, it's like havin' a Goddamn baby around the house Again.
Uh, you should be so lucky.
Yeah, well, watch that shit.
You know--You know how many Firemen wish they could be in Jumping ship?H a pain in the You should be out drinking And- And banging Young broads and, hopefully, Knocking one up so we can get a Goddamn boy back into this Family.
We need another set of Balls to keep the Gavin family Tradition alive in the FDNY.
You know what? You're Cleaning the sheets this time.
I don't know how to clean Sheets.
I'm a goddamn war hero, Asshole.
Oh, yea well, get your fat Goddamn war hero ass into the Shower right now.
I'm havin' that 83rd Birthday party, asshole.
You'll Be lucky if I invite you.
* on another day,n, come on, With these ropes I tied, Can we do no wrong? Now we grieve 'Cause now is gone, Things were good When we were young, With my teeth locked down I can see the blood Of a thousand men Who have come and gone, Now we grieve 'Cause now is gone, Things were good When we were young, Is it safe to say? Come on, come on, Was it right to leave? Come on, come on, Will I ever learn? Come on, come on, Come on, come on, Come on, come on * Sony pictures television.]
Yeah, you know he wants to.
He's, like, hell-Bent on having This 83rd birthday party.
He's Just driving me nuts with it, You know what I mean? So I can't Afford to hire somebody, and, You know, you two get along, so I figured what's in this for me? You know what? Let me tell You something.
In a normal Family situation, you know, Somebody asking a sister-In-Law To help out with the paternal Grandfather would be considered, Like, you know, run of the mill Stuff.
Yeah.
Here's the thing.
In a Normal family, a chick who Marries a cousin wouldn't be Considered a sister-In-Law, Number one, and when that cousin Dies it does not signal open banging Season on said sister-In-Law.
Hey, hey! That was a 2-Way Street, sister.
Really? Hang on.
Yeah? Yo, it's me.
Yeah, look, I Talked to Janet, and I got her List of demands for you.
It took you long enough.
What do you want me to say, Bro? She hates your guts.
I Mean, just gettin' her not to Call a lawyer, it took 2 months.
Could we go over this tonight, Please? Yeah.
I mean, pick a join Call me back, and, uh, leave the Address on my voicemail, all Right? Yeah, whatever.
Bye.
Hello.
Also, listen, I need you totalk to DA Condoms in his room.
Look, he's almost 18 years Old.
There's porn all over the Internet, OK? All kinds of Porn--Hardcore, softcore, Midgets blowin' sheep.
I think He's probably pretty up to date.
Listen, talk to him while You're driving 'cause then that Way, he doesn't feel like he's Gotta make eye contact with Sheel, I--I can't do this.
Do you want me to take care Of the old man? All right.
Hello? Hey.
Hey, how ya doin'? How ya doin'? I lost another 5 pounds--83 Total.
Wow.
Yeah.
This murder one's the Best goddamn diet I ever been On.
Uh-Huh.
So eddie told me You're thinkin' of mountin' a Antidepressant slash food Allergy slash insanity defense.
Yeah.
Uh-Huh.
And exactly what Foods would you be allergic to? Every goddamn one of 'em.
I See anything--Meat, doughnuts, Raisins, I lose my mind.
You Know that.
I didn't know about the Oh, my God.
They're Insidious.
Right.
And the antidepressant Thing? Whiskey.
Scotch.
Pot.
Lookit.
I'm just havin' a little fun at The expense of the system.
Let's face the fac.
I did the Deed, and I'm fine doin' my time Behind that.
Every once in a While, I feel a little bit Guilty about pullin' that Trigger.
I just think of the Other people, kids like Connor, A dog or two, maybe somebody's Mom or dad that that shit-Faced Asshole would've ended up Killin' if somebody didn't stop Him.
Listen, I'm doin' fine In here.
I did the right thing.
I'm at peace.
All right.
Good.
How's your dick? Out of practice.
Yeah.
I know the feelin'.
See Ya next week.
OK.
God damn it, jerry, where the Hell are my handcuffs? Jesus,are you tak Could've killed another 5 people In here already.
Come on.
Let's Go.
You all right, Tommy? Mikey! Got her, Mike? Got her, fr Yeah, I got her.
I got one here.
I see her.
Jerry! Yep.
You got one? Yeah.
Get her up.
Come on.
I got her.
I got your back.
Oh, hey, look.
Wow! Rats.
Oh, great.
Jesus, my Favorite.
Wow, and what the hell Is this? That a former Turtle.
Ugh! Man, let's get the hell Out of here.
This kind of shit Skeeves me.
Hey, uh, let me ask you Something.
What's up? How do you feel about snakes? I hate 'em.
Why? Because you're not gonna like What I'm about to tell ya.
Why, what's up? Look.
Aah! Ugh! Jesus! Aah! Aah! Snakes? Snakes.
Snake snakes? Anaconda type snakes, OK? Holy shit.
Yeah.
20 years on this job, I've saved everything--Cats, Dogs, birds, ferrets.
Yeah, don't forget that Goddamn iguana up on 125th four Years ago.
Yeah, but you know what? Snakes--I--That's some real Satan type bullshit right there.
Snakes and bats-- Steinbrenner-- That's where we draw the Line, Chief.
What? You think it's funny, Chief? Having some legless, Leathery, um--What's the, uh, What's the word I'm lookin' for? Cock.
Cock's a good wor They are like Big, slimy, legless-- Cocks.
Hey, guys, check it out.
Pretty cool, huh? Rest my case.
Hey, somebody call animal Control.
There's a goddamn Alligator in the bathtub.
Who knew noah was alive and Well and livin' up in harlem? Must be the rents.
Hey, Chief, you know, that Really wasn't that funny.
Yeah.
Side of the mouth Sarcasm.
Worthy of a snicker, maybe.
Chuckle at best.
I'm laughin' at the Cigarettes, boys.
Enjoy 'em While you can.
I spoke to the Grinch this mornin'.
As of Tomorrow at 6 A.
M.
Sharp, he's Banning all smoking in the Firehouse.
What? I'm tellin' ya.
You gotta be shittin' me.
Hey, what's goin' on? Yeah, did you, uh, you hear About this smokin' ban? What? Guys, mayor put that Law into effect, like, 5 years Ago.
Come on.
Get your head out Of your asses and read a Newspaper every once in a while.
Jesus! I'm gonna kill him.
Bullshit, Chief.
Huh? We can Fight fires, eat smoke for a Living, but we can't smoke in The firehouse.
Yeah, right.
We can suck down square miles Of the shit, black, white, grey, Brown, pick a goddamn color, all Day and night on the job.
Yeah, but we can't smoke a Harmless little finger like the Goddamn cancer stick in the Firehouse.
The key word there, boys, is Cancer.
Hey, wow, this is really Weird.
You know what? This Is--You know what this is? This Is, uh, this is ironic.
No,onic.
Hey, you know what? You--You Guto pay serious Attention to what I'm about to Suggest here because I don't Know if I've ever felt so Serious about anything in my Tomorrow, quit smoking.
Suggestat all of Hey, come on.
Hey, hey.
You know what? Hey, I got the Bowler.
I got the bowler in my Hand, and I'm gonna smash it if You don't pay attention to me.
Hey, hey, you realize that That bowler you hold in your Hands right now is a completely Irreplaceable antique item that I personally sought out and Bought for this very firehouse.
Oh, yeah? I realize-- You told--Wait, wait.
You Told me you bought that for me.
For the house.
Shut up a second, all right? Jesus! What's the matter with You guys? Nobody ever listens to Me around here ever.
I was Tryin' to tell you guys Somethin'.
Listen, I been datin' this Chick, all right? This really Great chick, and she--She likes Me a lot, OK? She thinks I'm Funny, and she thinks I'm smart.
Hey, don't look at him.
Don't--You two.
Chhanyway, The point is, she's been Badgering me about quitting Smokin', and you know what? I'm Gonna do it.
OK? I'm gonna r, so Maybe--Maybe the big, tough boys Need to take a good, long, hard Look at themselves in the Mirror, and--And think Their kids and everybody who's Important to them and do it for Them.
Huh? So this--This new girlfriend Of yours obviously is a Non-Smoking, uh-- Oh, no.
No.
No.
She--She Okes like a fiend.
But, uh, she wants you to Quit.
Yeah.
Yeah.
She's pretty Adamant about .
And--And the poinof that Is? Uh, to prove to her that I Really care about her.
Hello? Hold on.
Hold on here.
Hold On.
Money talks and bullshit Walks.
You want to quit smokin', Everybody throws 50 bucks into The kitty, all right? First time You're caught smokin', another And so forth, till you're either Broke or you go crazy and insane From the nicotine withdrawal.
The end of the month, the last Man standing takes the whole Pot.
If there's a tie, we draw Names out of a hat.
So, Chief, when would the Contest start? Right now.
Cold turkey.
No Gum, no gizmos, nothin'.
How about, like, 3 minutes From now? All right.
Go! Hey, Tom, no time like the Present, huh? Yeah.
Hey, how much you been Smokin' man? Oh, yeah, well, you know, I Because keela's always lecturin' Me about secondhand smoke and How it's bad for the kids.
Yeah.
Blah, blah, blah.
What about You? Well, since my kids left, I Been a human chimney.
Yeah.
Hey, probie, you know Anything about this chick Garrity's been seeing? Nah.
He's been pretty Tight-Lipped about her.
I know She's older though.
Oh, yeah? How much older? Like a lot older.
She was Watching Monday night football The night they announced John Lennon got shot.
Well, yeah, that was, like Could've been, like, 5 years Old.
She had a bet on the game.
Wow.
Hey, you know, guys, you Know, I'm not gonna be probie Much longer.
You know, in a few More wee I'm gonna be a Full-Fledged firefighter.
Uh-Huh.
Hey, you gonna stay with the Crew? Yeah, I hope so.
Yeah, well, then you'll Always be the probie to us.
See Ya later.
Hey, uh, you wanna get Together sometime soon and Chase Some tail, Tom? Uh, nah what about you, probie? You Down with that? Frank, I'm gonna be a Full-Fledged firefighter.
Yeah, whatever.
Smoke? I barely even studied last Night, and I know I aced it.
You Know the first-- All right, I'll see ya later.
Hey.
Hey.
What's up? Get in.
Somethin' wrong? Somethin' wrong.
I--What, Your godfather who happens to Love you very very much, by the Way, can't come and pick you up At school without there being Something wrong? Something's wrong.
Get in.
We Gotta talk.
Pretty cool lookin' thunderbird.
This is about the condoms, Isn't it? What? The whole point of talking To a teenager about sex while You're in a moving vehicle is so That neither one of has to make Eye contact.
Sorry.
I got--I got ya.
Sorry.
Sorry.
All right, look, I--I Purposely left the condoms in a Drawer that I know she checks.
It was my way of telling her That I w, you know, sexually Active.
You are? Well, what did you think I Was doin', sellin' them? I--I didn't--I--I wasn't Sure.
No.
I've been havin' sex for Months now.
So you don't really need to Have the sex talk then, right? Eyes.
Right.
The sex talk? No.
I got plenty of information From Mrs.
Turbody.
Mrs? She's my science teacher.
Oh.
OK.
Cool.
Good.
All Right.
This girl that you're ha You know-- Sex with? Yeah.
Yeah.
She seems pretty young.
I Mean-- Well, it--She looks a lot Younger than she is.
Mean, she looks lik Well, she's 38, but, uh, she Looks like she could pass for-- Wait, wait, wait--Whoa, whoa, Whoa.
Who's 38? You're making eye contact Again.
Sorry.
Who's 38? Mrs.
Turbody.
Holy shit! Hey, hey, watch the road, Man! Let me get this straight.
I'm bangin' my science Teacher.
Mrs.
Turbody, who's obviously Married.
No, no.
She's widowed, Actually.
That's kinda how we Connected.
Uh, you know, the Grieving process, the different Stages of it, blah, blah, blah.
Blah, Yeah.
I got that from you.
Yeah, I know where you got it From, OK? What are you so mad about? I'm not--I'm not angry.
I'm--I'm--I'm concerned, you Know? Gee, I--Are you OK? Yeah.
I mean--I mean, mentally, You--You know, you all right? Yeah.
I'm fine.
'Cause, you know, I--I've Read about these crazy teacher Broads, you know, havin' sex With their students, and, did She--Did she rape you? No! Oh.
Me a little.
Well, a, she Lot, actua You know, this is--Th Serious stuff.
I mean, this Could scar you for life.
Yeah, I sure as hell hope so.
No, I mean, you could Literally end up bein' my age And still have the--The mental Images from this, you know, in The front of your brain.
Seriously? Yeah.
Whoo! Ha ha! All right! Gimme 5.
All right, we're goin' back To the school, and I'm gonna Talk to Mrs.
Peabody.
Turbody.
Whatever.
But I like her.
I'm sure you do.
What's not To like? What the hell? Where Was Mrs.
Turbody when I was in School? I had sister Mary Shovelface, you get sharon Stone.
Christ.
Hey.
Hey, hi.
Very French.
I stopped by your place to Tidy up and bring in the mail, And I noticed that this came From the center.
Oh, great.
Thanks, rose.
I thought you'd want to see It right away.
You'll be paying Your first visit to jeannie any Day now.
This might be good News.
Yeah.
Ah well? They're raisin' the rent.
Oh! The monthly charges.
How much more a month are They askin Ohat's highway Yeah, tell me about it.
Listen, I got money in the Bank, money I never use.
Let me Help.
Rose, forget it, huh? So ihave to wor Overtime tours a month.
It's not Gonna kill me.
But thanks.
All right, listen, I gotta Run to the ladies.
Will you Order me a sea breeze? Sure, it's on its way.
Yes? Come in.
Mrs.
Turbody? Yes.
Oh, my God.
How can I help you? I'm, uh--I'm here about my Godson, Damian Keefe? Oh, yes.
He's a wonderful Student.
Bit of a handful Sometimes, though.
Mm-Hmm.
He's not taking any of my Classes this semester.
Oh.
He's taking my daughter's Science class.
She finds him to Be, apparently, very Entertaining.
Hmm.
Her classroom is one flight Up, end of the hall.
OK, thank you.
You're very welcome.
OK.
So let's do another one.
Uh, excuse me? So that's the chemical Equation I'm lookin' for Mrs.
Turbody.
Right here.
You're, uh no, no,y.
Do you Want to ask me something? Um, I'm, uh, Damian Keefe's, Uh, godfather.
That's who I am.
You know what? Why don't you Take that and go in the other But I thought you said I could stay.
Just go.
So you're Damian's godfather, And? Andand, quite frankly, Missy, I'm pretty disgusted by The, uh--Thewhat are you Writing down? I'll only discuss this off School grounds, over drinks in a Dark, very quiet saloon, Mr uh, Tommy.
Mr.
Tommy, um Mr.
Tommy? Yes, Mr.
Tommy Gavin.
You're the firefighter.
Right.
He's told me about you.
What did he say? About the pills and the booze And the affair you had with his Mother.
OK.
I can explain almost all Of that.
Call me.
Oh, God.
Well? We got a situation here.
What are you talkin' about? You gotta stop foolin' around Hook 'cause I gotta have some Time to figure this thing out.
No way, man.
I love her.
You love her.
You know, every Time you have, you know sex.
It called sex.
I know what it'E If there are some cigarettes in That glove compartment.
I could Have sworn I left some in here.
Uhno.
Shit.
Ugh! All right, here's The deal.
You ever look, you Know, behind your mom's TV setthe home E System, all that stuff is? You ever look behind there? No.
OK, if you did, you'd see That there's a whole, you know, Gaggle of wires back there and Connections and stuff, and There's inputs and there's Outputs, and it's kind of like Your interior pleasure center.
Like your brain is wired Directly to your penis, OK? So, You know, you got all kinds of Inputs and outputs.
If you put The wrong input into the wrong Output, next thing you know, Your brain is sendin' the wrong Signal to your dick, and you can Get completely screwed up, OK? So it's OK now when you're 18 Years old, and you're bangin' a Hot, you know, 38-Year-Old Mrs.
Turbody, but then, you know, you Could turn into a 45-Year-Old Man--My age--And, you know, All of a sudden, You want to bang That? Huh? No.
Huh? You ever see your Grandmother naked? Hell, no! OK, I'm talkin' about seein' Her naked wantin' to bang Her.
You want that? Now, that's Completely screwed up.
I'm late.
Now you gotta come to my next Appointment with me.
As far as Your mom's concerned, you are Sellin' these condoms in school, Just like you were sellin' those Drugs.
Got it? Yeah, got it.
All right.
Wait.
I can still think about Mrs.
Turbody when I jerk off, Right? Let me ask you somethin'.
You Call her Mrs.
Turbody when, you Know, you're foolin' around? Yeah.
Oh what was that? That was me almost pukin'.
You happy now? And it's been 3 Months since I've been sober, And he's just waitin' for me to Fail! My dad, he's just waitin' For me to fail.
It's just like He always says wow.
This place is really Full of freaks, huh? Shh, come on.
Sorry.
All I want to do is run Out and have 3 or 4 martinis injust to k What's up? Huh? What's up? Huh? No, I just quit smokin'.
Cold turkey? What do you think? I'm gonna do it, I swear To God.
Why? You got some on you? No.
Huh? Hey, hey, what are you Doin'? When'd you start smokin'? I think you left a pack in my Mom's room about, uh all right.
Whoo! Ha ha! Holly, hold all my calls, Please.
Hello, Ms.
Jones.
I'm your New temp, rex longley.
Rex? That rhymes with Something.
Tell me.
How's your Dictation? You don't mind if I put my Foot on your desk, do you? So, uh, have you given any More thought to, you know, when We might, um tell Tommy? Yeah.
No.
Look, Sean, I like you.
You're a great guy, and I have a Ball when I'm out with you, and In the Sack, you're a blast.
But I'm not lookin' for a serious Thing.
Yeah.
No, no.
I know.
I Just--I don't know, it feels Dirty, you know? Like we're what, cheatin' on him? It's Funny, you know, 'cause every Guy I've ever banged who was a Friend of Tommy's has said that Exact same thing to me at one Y?Int or another.
Yeah.
It's like you're in Love with him, and I'm your Mistress.
[Laughi, no, That's notthat's not it.
I Just--You know, wait a second.
How many of Tommy's friends have Oh, drop it.
OK.
Because once we get into Numbers of any kind, then you're Gonna start thinking and Worryin' and obsessin', and then You're not gonna be able to get It up.
You want me to do that toe thing Later, right? Yeah, yeah! Of course.
So shut up and drink.
Right.
Pancho! Hey, can, uhcan we Get 2--You know what? Make it 4.
You quit smokin', right? Yes.
Good, 'cause I'm gonna go out And have one.
OK.
No, stay! Good boy.
Hey.
What's goin' on? How you doin'? Dami? Johnny? What's up, dami? Hey, uh, why don't you sit Down and grab yourself a coke at The bar, all right? We got some Serious stuff we gotta talk About.
Oh.
Divorce shit, right? Oooh! Wise ass.
I'll be over there.
Ahemso what's the story With this joint? This place was grandfathered In as a smoking joint before the Mayor got his ban in, you know? I figured you'd like it.
You Could smoke your ass off.
I just quit.
Oh, funny thing.
I just Started again.
Really? Yeah, I got a lot of pressure At work, you know? What the hell is he doin' Smokin', huh? It's my fault, apparently.
Yeah.
What isn't these days? Tell me about it.
So what do We got? So Janet's not gonna go the Lawyer route, so you don't have To waste any more of your money.
Like I'd be gettin' my Regular fee anyway, huh? So instead, she figured in Normally what you would've been Spending if you had hired eddie Here to represent you.
Yeah? Yeah.
So, Tommy, look, she's Willing to let you keep the Apartment, all right? But she Wants all the kids' clothes, She wants all the kids' Furniture, she wants the plasma TV, and she wants the car, Obviously.
All right? Uh-Huh.
And she wants you to cover All of her expenses and the Costs for the girls.
Uh-Huh.
Look, Tommy, no matter How yolook at this, you know? By not goin' through divor Court, even with my family Discount, you're savin' a Shitload of cabbage here.
That's right.
You guys tell her I'm keepin' The plasma.
That's a smart move.
You know, she figured that'd be Your first reaction, so she Ready agreed to that.
Really? Guess what? Tell her I'm, UhI'm keepin' the master Bedroom, too.
All right? No? No.
No? Look, Tommy, I told her you Were sick and tired of her not, You know, returning your calls Or even taking your calls, so She's agreed, once you've agreed To all this tonight, to give you A 10-Minute face to face Tomorrow morning, after the kids Go to school.
All right, Tommy, I'll double check on a time, and I'll get back to you, all ri This is total bullshit, you Know.
No one's more tired of bein' In the middle of this bullshit Than me.
I drop the kids off at Your place, I pick 'em up every Goddamn Sunday night.
Then I Gotta listen to her go on and on About, "how's the place look? Is Tommy sleepin' in his bed? How Does Tommy look? How does dad Look?" Blah blah friggin' blah! I'm sick of it.
So she asks about me.
I'm gonna kill him, man.
Sorry.
You know what? Just tell him About teddy, OK? All right.
The D.
A.
'S office Tells me that if he pleads Guilty, because of extenuating Circumstances, that they're Gonna be willing-- Hey, is she seein' someone? The point being, that you Need to back me up tomorrow with Teddy and tell him that this Whole food allergy slash Antidepressant-- You tell her I'm seein' Someone, OK? I'm seein', um I'm seein' a Tom! I can't take this anymore, Man.
I can't take this.
No, wait, a dancer.
A Ballerina.
I'm seein' a Ballerina.
Girls like her hate Ballerinas, man.
Yeah? Why is that, Tommy? 'Cause they're so, you know, Bendable.
Yeah.
I gotta go.
Thanks, guys.
He's out of his friggin' Mind, you know that? Why don't you shut the hell Up?! Ya--Ya goddamn sleeper Cell! U.
S.
A.
! Candy, on dvd: but tell me, what Else can you put on my desk? Hey.
So? I think he's sellin' em.
Really? Mm-Hmm.
So he's not having I so.
That's so sweet! Yeah.
I hate to say it, but I'm Glad.
Yeah.
Me, too.
So about my dad yeah.
Um, I was thinking that I would come over, like, 3 hours A day? Maybe come at, like, Perfect.
You look good.
You smell good's what I was Gonna say.
Yeah, I know.
All right.
See ya.
Yep.
So, I leave you in charge, Now the kid's havin' sex, he's Smokin', drinkin'.
Whoa, whoa.
Who said anything About drinkin'? When he was sittin' at the Bar, he was drinkin', OK? You Didn't even check on him.
He had a coke.
He had a rum and coke.
The Broad ordered it for him.
Look, you know, when we were His age-- No, I know.
Either one of us Would have given our left ball To get blown by a nun, never Mind be bangin' one.
I Understand.
I guess I should be Proud of my boy.
Yeah, well, I blame the System, you know what I mean? I Mean, they get these crazy Broads in there with these crazy Agendas.
They should Really--They should run Background checks on these People.
Really? That's funny 'cause I Blame you.
Why do you blame me? 'Cause I'm dead, all right? Who the hell else am I gonna Blame? Answer this.
Yeah.
Look, your meeting with, Uh, Janet's set for tomorrow Morning, 9 A.
M.
, her place.
All right? Cool.
Hey, umhey, John-- Ahem, uh, just want to say, uh, You know, I really appreciate What, uhyou know, everything You been doin'.
Drivin' the kids Back and forth and, you know, Checkin' in on her, you know, For me.
I appreciate it.
And Thanks.
John? Do me a favor then? Yeah, anything.
Blow me.
Ahem.
Let he who is Without sin St Stone.
Wow.
I didn't know Lou was a Pink floyd fan.
It was green day, asshole.
Wow.
That's even more Impressive.
Hey.
How ya doin'? Look, I know that you know About the guy that I've been Seeing, but I don't think it's Any of your business, so don't Ask me any questions.
Is he a chinaman? Don't screw this up for me.
You came here to talk.
Yeah.
You know, I, uhI've been over This in my head so many times in The last few months.
What I did Was, I responded to what I--This Is what I do at work, by the Way.
I responded to what I saw.
I saw the way he was on the Ground, the way his wounds Looked, OK? I--The best thing to Do was to take him then, OK? I Spoke to the guys at the local Firehouse.
They said it would Have taken at least 5 or 10 Minutes in traffic for them To arrive, so I did the right Thing.
I did my goddamn best Under the circumstances.
It wasn't enough.
OK, you came to me and asked To be taken back in.
You asked Me for a second chance, OK? I Gave you what you asked for, all Right? If there's blood on my Hands, there's blood on your Hands, too.
Till death do us Part.
Remember that? Who said That? Huh? So I was psychic.
Who knew? Put the rest on my tab.
You know the To come out of this is that now I don't have to watch Connor Grow up and turn out exactly Like you.
Get out of there! Find The one down the hall.
Anybody Here?! Hello! Hello! Lou? Come on! What do you got, A problem? Ready? Yeah! FDNY! Anybody home?! Hey, Lou! There you go.
Hey, sweetheart.
Hey.
Yeah.
There you go.
All right.
Jesus! That was a bitch, Huh? I almost puked on the Third floor.
That's that sausage and Pepper sandwich comin' back.
No, it was that old b I saved.
She shit her pants on The way down.
That's why they make Depends.
Jesus, it's cold for this Shit, huh? Should make a law That says you can only burn your House down in the summer.
Wait, wait.
What did you Say? I said it's too cold for This shit.
They should make a Law that says you just hadyou just had a Cigarette, didn't you? What the hell are you talkin' About? You just had a cigarette.
I did not.
Why would you say I'll tell you why Garritybecause this nose, OK? Is the FDNY's version of a Connoisseur.
It's true.
It has smelled every possible Type of smoke that a nose can, OK? This nose, when it comes to Smoke, is the be all and the end All, and you have just smoked a parliament.
Oh, man, he's good.
Holy shit.
How didou know what brand It was? I saw the same box lyin' on The ground as he did.
Hey, that's 50 bucks he's Gotta put in the kitty.
Time.
That's what the deal is.
It's 100.
I was just talkin' to her.
Hey, man, she's gone.
OK, come on.
Hey, uh, we gotta get her in The, uh hey, buddy.
OK, come on.
Pal-- Shut up! Tommy.
Tommy.
Back off! Hey, hey, hey! Or I'll kill everybody else Here, too, you got it? Come on, kid.
[Devil by the stereophonics Playing.]
Do you remember the day You left? I remember my last night Because I heard somethingifying.
* ever dance with the devil, Baby? Oh, no, Make my day, Do you feel lucky? Oh, no, Tomorrow's another day, Can you walk on water maybe? Oh, no, Turn water into wine? Can I buy you a drink there, Lady? Oh, no, Can you tell me another lie? So be my devil a Be my shooting star, Be my devil angel, Be my shooting star, Have I seen you somewhere, baby? Oh, no, I need another line, Are you livin' the dream there, Lady? Oh, no, Can I tell you what's inside? So be my devil angel, By my shooting star, Be my devil angel, Be my shooting star *