Shrinking (2023) s03e01 Episode Script
My Bad
1
[water running]
Hey, sexy. Mind if I take a shower?
Well, it's gonna fog up my mirror.
How about I wipe a little spot
on the shower door,
and then you can sneak a peek?
Wipe two spots. One for the fun zone,
and then do another one for your face.
Yeah, deal.
[patient] And it's a great property,
but I overleveraged myself.
I might have to sell it at a loss.
And it's hitting all my failure buttons.
- [grunts]
- I'm sorry, are you okay?
Yeah. I took my meds, but they don't
always kick in the way they used to.
[stammers] If it bothers you,
I-I can put my hand in my lap.
And I'll cover it with this blanket.
But then it might look like
I'm pleasuring myself
to your financial troubles.
Sorry, if it's a distraction.
Thank you.
[sighs]
[sighs]
What are you in for?
Parkinson's. You?
Just a haircut.
[chuckles] I deserve
more of a laugh than that.
I'm sorry.
I'm just going through it today.
You look good.
Your voice is firm. Makes you sound wise.
Yeah, I am quite wise.
How's your balance?
Not bad. [stammers]
The stupid exercises help.
Me? I fall three times a day.
I'm thinking of taking up stunt work.
[chuckles]
- Paul.
- Gerry.
Only a mild tremor.
I would kill to have a tremor like that.
Yeah. Well, I get real stiff.
And my left side hurts all the time.
I told my girlfriend that sex helps,
but she's a doctor
so she knows I'm full of shit.
That's a tough break.
I feel stupid complaining to you.
Oh, please.
We're all on the same shitty train
to Sucksville.
How's the brain? Any hallucinations?
No, thank God.
They're the worst.
Bad enough your body goes, but then
you start seeing shit. It's scary.
I didn't even know
that was a thing with Parkinson's.
Although, one time I saw Halle Berry
in the bathtub with me.
Another time it was my mom.
So, good and bad?
Unless your mom's really hot.
Well, Dad says she's a bobcat in the sack.
[chuckles]
Enough whining.
I'm still here, so fuck Parkinson's.
Yeah. Okay.
You gotta say it to mean it.
Gerry, I'll grab you in a minute.
Paul, you ready?
Fuck Parkinson's.
Fuck Parkinson's.
What the fuck? I was here first.
[Paul] I gotta face it, Jimmy.
The end of my life is gonna be hard.
And I can either be
a self-pitying shithead,
or I can suck the marrow
out of what's left of this amazing life.
No more living in Why Me Land.
I kinda like Why Me Land.
I spent a couple years there recently.
It's nice.
Well, anyway, that's my new philosophy.
Fuck Parkinson's.
Catchy. Fuck Parkinson's.
- Fuck Parkinson's.
- Fuck it right in the face.
Don't fuck my disease in the face, Jimmy.
We'll see.
But I need a favor.
Keep me in check if you see me sinking.
Pull me up.
I know that's a lot to ask.
Paul.
I have leaned on you so much.
Just grateful I get the chance
to pay you back even a little.
That said, I still don't understand
why that means
I have to ride next to you in a sports car
while you drive like a lunatic.
Are you coming or not? Just because
I'm not allowed on the streets,
doesn't mean I can't do it.
[screaming]
["Song 2" by Blur playing]
- [Paul chuckles]
- [Jimmy grunting]
- Paul, Paul.
- [Paul laughs]
- You having fun?
- Yeah.
Oh, good.
Paul, slow down.
- Paul, this is triggering.
- [Paul chuckles]
My wife died in a car, Paul.
[Paul] Come on! Relax.
[screaming]
["Frightening Fishes"
by Benjamin Gibbard playing]
Baby, sorry, we ran out of creamer
'cause I didn't feel like getting it.
Also, last night when you were sleeping…
Let's see… How do I say this? Um…
You started screaming like a little bitch.
What's the dealio?
- Uh… You know…
- Come on. No, no, really.
Like, what is it?
Okay. Um…
- When I was ten…
- Mm-hmm.
…I threw a pine cone at a crow in my yard.
And needless to say he was pissed.
And he would dive bomb me every time
I went to the bus stop.
Like, every time.
You know crows hold grudges?
I did not. But this is already
the best story I've ever heard.
Yeah. So, I have this recurring nightmare
that he's gonna find me and fuck me up.
[chuckles] What? So you think
he's gonna, like, rip out your eyes?
He'll probably just take one eye.
That way you'll be able to see him smile
while he eats it.
I'm so glad I shared this with you.
I know. I'm sorry, baby. I love you.
- I love you.
- Hmm?
- What?
- What do you mean "what?"
Did you not hear the way you said
"I love you"?
Yeah, I sound normal.
You sound like Morpheus. Try it again.
[clears throat]
- I love you. Oh. Wow! [chuckles]
- [laughing]
- Just keep it caj, like, love ya.
- All right.
Love ya.
Give me a kiss.
There's racist Pam.
I have to do something
so she knows I hate her.
Trust me. Everyone you hate is already
well aware you hate them. [chuckles]
[chuckles] Well, you do something,
so she knows you hate her too.
Like what?
I mean, how many dicks can I tell her
to eat at this point? It's redundant.
We're getting closer. Think of something.
Good morning.
[blows raspberry]
That was the sexiest thing I've ever seen.
You wanna go home and have a quick?
- Hell, sure.
- All right.
- [Derek] Come on, let's go.
- [both chuckle]
Done. Look at me building shit, so masc.
Is it turning you on?
It would be
if you were doing it correctly.
Come on, there's nothing more masc than
confidently doing something incorrectly.
Unless I was, like, standing by a grill
and simultaneously overcooking
and undercooking sausages.
[chuckles]
[chuckles] Appreciate it, man.
- Yo, Pops.
- [Tim] Yeah?
I put some extra peppers in that bag
for Graham.
Mmm.
And I'll see y'all at Sunday dinner.
Where you off to?
- He's got a booty call.
- [chuckles]
- That's a…
- He knows what a booty call is.
Geez, man. I'm in my 40s.
Oh, so is she.
- [sighs]
- Oh.
The older the berry the sweeter the juice.
Sometimes I miss when we weren't talking.
Aah. Stop. [chuckles] All right.
[shrieks] Huge news!
You found my last pair of clean boxers?
What? No. No.
The Wesleyan soccer coach is coming
to my next game to watch me play.
- Wow. That's exciting too.
- Yeah.
Hey! Bingo. Good news keeps coming.
Ew. You're going commando right now?
- No.
- Ew, again.
I'm moving past it.
[sighs] I'm going to play soccer
in Connecticut!
- [grunts]
- [chuckles]
[Jimmy] It's weird, everyone around me
seems to be so full of joy lately.
I still get knocked on my ass
by the smallest things.
[sighs]
It's funny, my friend Paul,
he got me thinking.
We all have agency.
And maybe happiness is not
this impossible thing.
You just have to choose it.
And why are you saying this to me?
My mistake.
You're like the happiest person I know.
Listen, you don't have to try
and inspire me every time we talk.
Why can't we just sit
and enjoy our coffees?
Because the coffee from your shop
is almost a hate crime.
Fair. Why do you think
the coyote is so sad?
Maybe because you call it a coyote?
That's not British that's just…
- What do you call it?
- Coyote.
Coyote.
- Nope.
- Okay.
I gotta ask.
Are you happy spending your days
handing out the Wi-Fi password
and heating up milk?
Hey, I also have complete creative control
over how the muffins are arranged.
Okay. Didn't you use to be
a graphic designer?
Yeah. You know the logo
at the farmers' market?
- Yeah.
- That was me.
Get the fuck out of here.
I see that every time I go
to the farmers' market.
- Yeah, that's how it works.
- Mmm.
At some point you're gonna
have to restart your life.
I know.
I'm just finally feeling okay where I am.
I… I think I don't wanna risk messing
with that.
Yeah, I get that.
Alice and I are doing
really great right now.
She's gonna be heading off
to college soon.
[Louis] Mmm.
All I want is for her to live with me
until I die peacefully.
And then she can go off
and make whatever mistakes
a young woman in her 70s might make.
- Oh, that sounds healthy.
- [chuckles]
How you dealing with it?
Same thing I tell my patients.
Fake it till you make it.
- Mm-hmm.
- I'm gonna be supportive.
Do everything I can
to help her get into Wesleyan.
Pretend I'm not dying inside.
Goal!
I'm just practicing
'cause I know you're gonna get one today.
Are you seriously
putting that much pressure on me?
Uh, what? No. [stammers]
You don't… You don't have to score at all.
No. If I don't, I'm doomed.
I hope whatever you want to happen,
happens without you feeling
like it has to happen.
[groans] I still can't figure out
how to wear my new haircut for the game.
Do I wear a headband? Or half up? Or…
- Hey, hey. I love it.
- [Alice sighs]
Your mom used to wear her hair like that
when we first met.
- Wait. Really?
- No. I don't know why I said that.
You made me really nervous with
the whole goal versus no goal issue.
- [sighs]
- Um… I do have one small request.
Can we do face paint for the game today?
She said no, Derek.
Come on!
Chest is still good though, yeah?
She said no paint anywhere.
What are we? Quakers?
When did I join club no fun?
Why did he have it on already?
He says it gives it time to settle.
Hey, I'm leaving.
- Okay.
- [Liz] I'm coming.
Okay. Listen, I've been visualizing this.
The Wesleyan coach loves you.
You get to go to your dream college
in New England.
My turtleneck game is fire.
I'm there for all the big games. Season
opener, homecoming, neighbors weekend.
- Parents weekend.
- We'll see.
Are you good?
I didn't really sleep.
I'm losing my shit a bit.
Hey, if you start
to feel nervous out there,
I want you to look up into the stands
and see all of us
- and borrow our positive energy.
- Yes.
- And we're gonna project it at you.
- Okay.
We're gonna be like… [grunting]
- Dad, what is wrong with you?
- You look like you're vomiting on her.
- I know, I heard it.
- [engine starts]
Hey, Alice. We're really proud of you.
I haven't played yet.
Doesn't matter.
[sighs]
Morning. Did I put that smile
on your face?
You did.
I think we should end this.
And by this, you mean
the talking before the sex. Right?
When I met you, I'd just gotten divorced
and I needed something sexy and fun.
And along comes a hot younger man
who called me Dr. Sykes in bed.
Well, there's no way
I'm learning your first name now.
[chuckles]
I think it's time for me
to stop hiding from the future.
Okay, that sucks.
Are you really gonna pretend
this is super serious to you?
Nah. But…
I am gonna miss it.
Well, I didn't say
it had to end this second.
Oh, so we doing
the grand finale type thing?
Mm-hmm.
Doing the gospel choir with the…
[imitates fireworks] …fireworks?
Yeah, but I gotta be at work in 15.
I can do a no-frills ten.
Come here, Dr. Sykes.
No shit. She really broke up with you?
Yeah.
[chuckles]
You seem surprised?
Only because she hasn't called me yet.
[chuckles]
We talked about it more,
and she said that being with me
was keeping her from moving forward.
I understand it, but it's still annoying.
Well, maybe it's annoying
because deep down you realize
that you should be moving on too.
I know you want more.
A real relationship, your own place,
a sailboat in Connecticut.
Okay, the last one's mine.
But point is,
if you're not growing, you're not living.
Nah, I lived this morning.
Twice.
I'll make a note of that. Huh?
Patient keeps bragging
despite having been dumped.
I miss the notebook.
So do I, kid.
My handwriting got too shaky.
Have I taught you about The Field?
Is this more of
your crunchy munchy spiritual crap?
Life is a conversation with the universe.
And we're off.
The Field is an intelligent energy force
that knows who you're supposed to be.
And it's gonna keep demonstrating to you
what it is you need to work on most.
Over and over again
until you start to do it.
Damn.
That actually sounds like
it would be very helpful
if it were real.
[chuckles]
Why are you smiling?
Because I'm just thinking about
how much I'm gonna enjoy it
when you find out that Field is real.
And when that happens,
you don't even have to tell me
I was right.
Just, I don't know,
throw me some prayer hands
like I'm a god.
How about I hit you with a sexy wink?
You call that sexy?
Okay. Let me see your game.
All right. I'd hit that.
You couldn't handle it.
[chuckles]
It's a lot redoing
the upstairs guest bathroom.
Mm-hmm.
And I appreciate that my husband's
giving me carte blanche budget wise.
But every time I try to tell him
what I want to do creatively,
he doesn't wanna hear it.
Brave women are often silenced, Kathy.
- Mmm.
- You, Rosa Parks, Pussy Riot…
Yeah, and I know
I shouldn't have said that.
But her problem just felt so trivial.
I couldn't stay focused.
Man, I zone out sometimes too.
I got this one patient, uh… Gregory.
He goes by Spider.
He's got the great nickname,
he's covered in tats.
He's always wearing some cool boots.
This guy is so fucking boring…
Hey, am I early?
Gregory?
Hey… hey, man. How goes it?
- We're gonna go do this.
- [Gaby] Yeah, go.
Every time I doubt myself as a therapist,
he goes and does something so stupid
that it makes me feel better about myself.
That's why I keep him around.
Yeah. You know,
everybody I've been treating these days
just seems to be caught up
in such low-stakes shit.
I know, suffering is suffering.
And I'm grateful to make a living
doing what we do.
But… [sighs]
I don't know. That stuff with my sister,
my dad being bipolar.
Like, I got into this because I wanted
to help people deal with real trauma.
Mm-hmm.
Like, sometimes I just feel like I'm not
doing what I'm supposed to be doing.
- Does that make any sense?
- [sighs]
My first job was at Bellevue.
Suicidal ideation, personality disorders,
schizophrenia, all of it.
How was it?
It was the worst job I ever had.
- Really?
- And also the best.
You'd be great there.
Thanks, Paul.
As a doctor,
- or as a patient.
- [clicks tongue] Whatever.
Okay. I've been thinking
about the color scheme in your nursery.
For the curtains, I have two swatches
for you to choose from.
- Tell him the truth.
- I have one swatch.
- Okay.
- But I'm really excited
- to hear your thoughts.
- Truth.
I don't care what you think,
and I also chose the wallpaper.
Okay. Oh. You know, actually, uh,
Ava is coming to see us tomorrow.
She might have some fun thoughts
decor-wise.
You know,
Derek's brother used to eat candles.
[stammers] What?
Oh, I thought we were talking about
stupid shit that doesn't matter.
Okay. Just show me the baby's wallpaper.
Not yet.
The most important person isn't here.
Rude. I told you Charlie couldn't make it.
- Who gives a shit about Charlie?
- What's up, sluts?
- [Derek] Hey!
- [Liz] Hello.
Now we can begin.
- [gasps]
- So, what do you think?
[sighs] It's so peaceful…
Don't interrupt Gaby.
I can't interrupt her
while she's thinking?
- Brian, please! Damn.
- Okay. All right, I'm sorry.
[sighs] Liz, I love it.
- It's so peaceful.
- [stammers]
Plus, if you're feeling lazy, you
don't want to take the baby for a walk,
you can just be like, "Look up at the sky,
baby." [chuckles] "We're already outside."
Babies are dumb. [chuckles]
Can you believe she thinks she gets to
make these decisions about my baby.
You knew what you was getting into
when you hired Nanny Mc-Liz.
I made it perfectly clear you would be
dealing with a major control freak.
- I'm the worst. [chuckles]
- [phone ringing]
Oh. [stammers] Um…
I'm just… I must take this out back.
Hey, you.
What was that about?
I don't know.
The past few days,
he's been taking secret calls.
It's so weird.
Usually, he answers the phone
on speaker phone,
and makes everyone say hi
to whoever it is on the line.
- [Gaby] Mm-hmm.
- It makes me crazy.
Obviously, he's revenge cheating on you.
- What?
- Yes, the one-year rule.
He gets that much time to do the same
thing you did with no consequences.
- [Gaby] Liz?
- [Brian] Oh.
[clicks tongue] Damn, dude. You broke her.
- Liz, I was joking. It was just a joke.
- Hey. Come back, girl. Come back.
Hey, hey! Come on!
We got a soccer game to get to.
- That's right. Let's go! Let's go.
- Let's go! Let's go!
- [Gaby] Oh. Let's do it! Let's do it.
- Let's go! Let's go.
- Let's go.
- [Gaby] Let's go.
What's up with her?
She's freaked out 'cause
she thinks Derek might be cheating on her.
- The one-year rule?
- [Brian] Mmm.
It happens.
Dude, it's real?
Yeah.
- Come on! Who's pumped?
- Yes!
[Gaby] Me! I'm pumped. You pumped?
- [Brian] What's soccer?
- I'm pumped!
- [Gaby] You pumped! [exclaims]
- [Derek] Wait for me, wait for me.
Are we early, or does everybody
just hate soccer as much as I do?
[chuckles] Hey.
I have a fun way to pass the time.
I had Brian look at your new will.
And he said it's more complicated
to become each other's beneficiaries
than we think.
We gotta get that power of attorney
straightened out too.
When it comes time to pull the plug on me,
I'm pretty sure
Meg's gonna chicken out. So…
- you're my girl.
- Ooh. I can't wait.
- Can't wait for what?
- When I have to put Paul down.
- Ooh, cool. Let's get lunch after.
- [Derek grunts]
[Jimmy] Holy Macanoli.
Look at all these beautiful faces.
Thanks for coming, everyone.
I just want to say…
- Not every moment is a speech moment.
- This one is.
It still feels like a good lesson for you.
Look, it means the world.
Y'all showing up like this.
I'm not sure Alice would be such a strong
young woman if it weren't for all of you.
[laughs] She wouldn't be.
- We did most of it.
- You did nothing.
What the fuck?
I'm trying to say thank you.
Great speech, Jimbo. Sit down.
Hey, man. I heard Alice got her hair cut,
so you might have to show me
which one she is.
No problem.
- [imitates Derrick] I love you.
- [gasps] Sean.
You told people?
Only Sean, babe.
Oh.
[imitates Derrick] I love you too, man.
- And everybody else. I'm sorry, babe.
- [chuckles]
Hey! Come on, Alice! Let's go!
Come on, Alice!
You're not cheering?
She's just stretching.
- Stretching like a beast!
- [Gaby] Hey.
- Don't say beast. No.
- Yeah. Don't call women beasts, dude.
A beast is a good thing in sports.
- Oh. Our bad.
- Oh, it is? Our bad.
[whistle blows]
["Superglue" by Role Model playing]
[cheers] Go, Alice!
Wait. Why aren't you out there?
The coach suggested
I might be better as a fan.
Shut up!
Every coach I ever had said that to me.
[Jimmy] Okay. Let's go, Alice! [cheering]
Okay, okay. All right. Go, go, go.
Yes, great pass.
[groans]
Okay. Hey! That was a great idea, Alice.
- She likes it when I stay positive.
- Well, I'm not you.
Hey, ponytail! When Alice gives you
a good pass, finish it! Yeah, you!
- Jesus, Paul.
- Hey, Paul. Just tone it down.
[whistle blows]
[Gaby] Let's go, Alice! Come on, girl!
- [Liz] Come on, girl! [cheers]
- That's it. Come on, Alice!
- [Gaby] Come on. You've got this game!
- [Jimmy] Yeah. Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.
[Alice grunting]
- [crowd groans]
- God! That's a foul!
- Play on!
- Come on, ref.
What game are you watching?
Pull your head out of your ass!
- Oh, my gosh. We are so cute.
- [chuckles]
- [crowd cheering]
- [Jimmy] Go, sweetie. Go, go, go.
[Alice grunts]
- [spectator groans]
- [Jimmy] That's all right.
Hey. You're a doctor, right?
I'm having so much trouble focusing.
I'm not giving you Adderall.
- [Summer sighs]
- [crowd cheering]
- [player groans]
- [Alice groans]
- Hey, don't touch my little girl.
- [whistle blows]
[crowd cheers]
- Good call, ref. Thank you, ref.
- Yeah! Finally, finally.
Nice and calm, sweetie.
Wait, wait. Um, hey, everybody.
I need you to do what I do, okay?
[grunting]
- Okay, like that.
- [grunting]
[grunting continues]
Goal!
[cheering]
- Amazing game.
- Hey, you played awesome too.
Thanks.
- [chanting] Alice, Alice, Alice.
- [chuckles]
Okay, it's getting weird now.
Hey, Alice. You have a second?
- Sure.
- Is that the Wesleyan coach?
- Don't look.
- I don't give a shit.
I'm staring her down.
Alice Laird.
- Uh… Do you wanna just. Uh…
- [Jimmy] Paul,
I feel like that's
the exact wrong approach for this moment.
So if you two are definitely switching
your power of attorney,
I'd also recommend updating your 401(k)s,
and getting Julie on the deed
to your condo, which is a tricky process.
You need a notary, and a witness,
and the whisker of a snow leopard.
What do I have to sign
to get you to stop talking?
Hey! You asked me, Grumpus.
Ignore him. It's all just… I don't know…
Just feels so complicated.
What if you two just got married?
Wouldn't that take care most of this?
You know, he-he's-he's not wrong.
[chuckles] I mean, what little girl
hasn't dreamed of getting married,
so that she has fewer forms
to fill out. [chuckles]
[chuckles] Yeah, that would do it.
Oh.
Did you just propose to my girlfriend
for me?
- Paul…
- [Brian] No, no, no.
It's too delicious. Don't rush it.
My bad.
[mouthing words] My bad.
[Paul sighs]
[shudders]
It'll be fine.
Oh, I don't think it will.
- Hey, babe.
- Hey.
Uh, I have a confession to make.
The call I took yesterday…
[Liz] Wait. I knew it.
Is it that lady from your cornhole league?
- [stammers]
- Are you screwing the cornwhore?
No. Sharon is asexual.
To know that you must be
talking to her way too much.
Look, all the calls
were Matthew. He got fired again.
And he wanted my help
breaking the news to you.
Well, why wouldn't he just tell me?
Maybe he feels like sometimes
you can be a little hard on him.
Like, when he was five,
and he scratched your car,
so you broke the bell on his tricycle.
- Eye for an eye.
- [chuckles] Exactly.
I think he thinks it would just
go smoother if I softened you up first.
Your butt looks slammin' in those pants
by the way.
- Go on.
- [laughs]
He needs to move back home.
- Again?
- Yes!
When is this kid gonna
get his act together?
I know. Honey, he's struggling.
What else are we gonna do?
[sighs]
When does he wanna move back?
About six hours ago.
Hey, Mom.
- Your butt looks slammin' in those…
- Okay, the butt talk's not for you.
All right. Come here. Give me a hug.
You, however, may continue.
Look at those two scoops.
[muttering]
- Good morning.
- Oh, oh, oh.
No, no, no. Time to face the music.
I want to see this.
Look. Paul, I'm sorry
I proposed to your girlfriend.
[Gaby chortles]
And I'm prepared to accept
whatever punishment you deem fit.
Office chores, silent treatment,
even a light spanking if that's still
how your generation handles things.
You're not in trouble.
Boo! Do the light spanking.
Turns out getting married solves
most of our issues.
So we're just gonna go down
to the Justice of the Peace this weekend.
When they ask if we take each other
to be man and wife,
Julie is just gonna say, "I guess so."
And I'm gonna say, "Why not?" Easy-peasy.
Yeah. I'm sorry, Paul.
It's gonna be a huge no for me
on the non-wedding wedding thing.
Okay. I'm not in trouble,
and this feels dangerous.
So I'm just gonna grab some breakfast,
and exit on a win.
Ow.
Come on. You know I love you and Julie.
Let me
just throw a little something together?
[chuckles]
Fuck no.
Paul, Paul, Paul, Paul, weddings aren't
for the people that are getting married.
It's for the parents,
for the grandparents, etcetera.
And in your case they're all super dead,
so this wedding kinda, like,
really when you think about it,
is just for me.
- Julie doesn't want anything either.
- I'm already dialing her.
- Don't do this.
- I'm doing it.
- She wants to talk to me all the time.
- [line ringing]
Hey, Gaby. To what do I owe the pleasure?
- Ooh. Pleasure.
- [Paul groans]
Now, I'm so flustered
I forgot why I was calling.
Okay, keep it in your pants.
[chuckles] You know
what you do to me, girl.
I'm here!
So-So-So, what would you say
if I put together
a teeny-tiny non-wedding wedding?
Uh… No priest, they're super creepy.
Self-served wine bar.
The dress code would be
black tie forbidden.
And you get to go with me
to pick out a pretty dress
that shows off those gorgeous, sculpted
angel wings you call arms.
[chuckles] Okay.
Uh, give the phone to Paul, please.
[groans]
You really do have sculpted angel arms.
Thank you. Now, how do we stop this?
I think we just have to put her down.
[Gaby clicks tongue]
Come on, Paul. You know
I've been feeling a little lost lately.
I need this.
I'm just a girl standing in front of a boy
asking him to marry a different girl.
Once again, fuck no.
- [Julie] Okay, fine.
- Yes! [chuckling] Oh, my God, yes!
- [Paul] Goddamn it!
- You're not gonna regret it, sexy.
- Yeah. Bye, bye.
- Okay, bye. Bye.
I do not agree to this.
Coach will be here soon, but that is fine.
You know why? You know why?
Because we are ready, all right.
The house is clean.
I scattered some soccer balls
around for ambience.
Then I tripped on one. Hence, the limp.
Then I removed them all
'cause that was ridiculous.
What about snacks? We good to go?
If hors d'oeuvres could get into Wesleyan,
this cheese board would get a full ride.
I know I'm getting ahead of myself,
but I'm already picturing myself
in Connecticut.
Like, who is East Coast Alice?
How do I even dress?
I asked Liz, and all she said was
she looks amazing in turtlenecks.
I'm nervous. What if I pull a Dad?
What, act weird and word-vomit
all over her?
- Exactly.
- Right.
If it starts to go south,
just play the dead mom card.
The thing where you mention your mom died,
and people give you whatever you want.
I don't do that anymore.
Excuse me?
Two weeks ago, you got out of
building sets in drama class
by saying the smell of wood
reminded you of caskets.
I'll admit, this is a recent change.
Someone pointed out,
I'm perhaps using it as a crutch.
So I'm done.
Wow. I'm proud of you because…
Am I being casually robbed right now?
[whispering] Matthew got fired again
so he's home.
- [normal voice] But he's not at home.
- My mom said it was okay.
Oh.
Oh, Liz.
Sean, Matthew. Matthew, Sean.
You really like cheese, huh?
Yeah.
Absolutely not!
Come on. There's no food left here.
He keeps eating and eating.
He's like a Pac-Man.
It's not my problem.
When Tia died, I fed your kid for a year.
Wow. Liz played our dead mom card?
[sighs] And she played it well.
Oh. Yeah, your wife died.
That sucks.
Yeah. Time for you to go.
Nope.
[doorbell rings]
Holy crap. That's her.
- That's her.
- Can't breathe.
- I can't breathe.
- Pits immediately sweating.
Mine too.
I'll get the door.
Jimmy, say your goodbyes.
What? I have to go?
It's a shame. I memorized
all these amazing soccer facts.
Did you know Pelé was
the first spokesperson for Viagra?
Did you know that that's gross?
Okay, if you want to give any
last-second advice, this is your chance.
- Ready?
- Okay.
When you shake her hand,
make sure it's firm but not too firm.
No matter what she chooses
from that motherfucking cheese plate,
you say, "Nice choice."
Most of all,
just be yourself.
You're the best.
[Sean clears throat]
Oh. [in British accent] Hello.
- Hi.
- [normal voice] James Laird.
Passionate girl dad.
Firm, but not too firm. Nice choice.
Maggie Bohan.
You have a very impressive daughter.
Thanks.
Also, I'm not her biological father.
Her mother had an affair
with David Beckham.
And we're going.
I know, Sean.
I was there when it happened.
Wow. It's so true what they say,
you are literally glowing.
Thanks. I'm so gassy. It makes me sweaty.
However you got there,
it's working for you.
So, what do you think of the nursery?
You're fine. Take my hand.
I mean, the light is so lovely in here.
And the crib is perfect.
The only thing I'm not sure about
is that wallpaper.
[grunts, mouthing]
When I was a kid I always wanted
Winnie-the-Pooh on my wall,
but my mom only allowed Bible characters.
Like beautiful angels?
Like Cain killing Abel.
That's horrifying.
I was a pretty lonely kid.
The first book I ever read
was Winnie-the-Pooh,
and he had all those friends and…
I'm-I'm-I'm so sorry… [chuckles]
…I hope I'm not overstepping.
- Not at all. Totally fine.
- No, no.
[chuckling]
Oh, it's totally fine.
I think Winnie-the-Pooh's a great idea.
Winnie-the-Pooh can suck my dick.
Liz, no! Winnie don't do that.
Well, you'd just have
to dip it in honey first.
[laughs] Winnie loves honey.
All right. Just admit it.
You're being petty
because Ava didn't like your ideas,
and now you're gonna hold
a grudge forever.
Just like a crow.
I'm not sure I love that.
Okay. Yes, I'm petty. And yes,
I've been known to hold grudges.
- And yes, forever.
- True that.
But this is about boundaries, Brian.
You're about to adopt a baby.
Have you even discussed with Ava
how much you want her to be involved?
Are you seriously asking
if we've sorted something that important
this close to the delivery date?
- Of course we haven't, Liz!
- [knocks on door]
Ooh, everyone's here! Guys, go sit down.
- Brian, your thing's over!
- Great.
- [Julie] Hey.
- Hey.
Paul, Julie, thank you for coming.
Why are we here?
So, I can tell you
about a little movie made in 2001,
in which
Ms. Jennifer Lopez inspired a generation
by showing us that if you're hot
and you have a heart of gold,
you can plan the best wedding ever,
even if you're short on time,
and you want to bang the fiancé.
Shout-out to Julie.
Anyway, for the next few days,
I am your motherfucking wedding planner.
- Yes!
- [chuckling] You're G.Lo.
- That's right.
- I don't… I don't get it.
I love that movie,
but why do we need a wedding planner?
Wait. You love that movie?
- [Gaby] Hey, focus, please!
- [stammers]
Because we are moving fast
on this wedding, okay?
It will take place in front of this house
because the lovely, gorgeous Liz
has kindly agreed to host.
Anything for my therapist.
I talked to you once on a bench.
I don't want credit for any of this.
Confidentiality. My bad.
Oh. Also, Paul, Julie, I know
we spoke about keeping things small,
but that shit is over. Okay?
Things grow, they get more funner.
- Um, there will be food…
- Food.
- …a dance floor…
- Dance floor.
- …string lights out of the ass.
- Ass.
Thought you'd like that, Bri.
- This isn't happening.
- [Gaby] Oh, it's happening, Paul.
And it's your fault
for letting me in, sucker!
Anyway, moving on
to the expanded guest list.
I spoke to Meg yesterday,
and she and Dave are flying in.
- [all groaning] Dave.
- [Gaby] I know.
She did say she was not super psyched
to hear about her father's engagement
from me, so I would give her a call.
Also, because we are short on time,
and because he would literally cry
if it wasn't him,
Jimmy is going to be the officiant.
Yeah!
In your fucking face!
In your face! In your face!
- I've dreamt of this.
- Down, and you're down.
[Jimmy] Okay, this is great.
Sorry, I'm cool. [chuckles]
I have the best opening joke.
I won't tell you guys,
but I'm gonna save it for the wedding.
Jesus.
Calm your ass down, Paul.
All you have to do is show up.
Like, I don't know
how I can make it easier for you.
- Okay.
- Also, Jimmy,
when gorgeous and I decide
the color scheme,
I need you to take Paul to buy a tie
and a pocket square that match.
[groans] That's two show-ups.
Actually, Paul, it's three show-ups.
You need to show up to the store,
you need to show up
to your own goddamn wedding,
and show up
with a better fucking attitude.
Come with me, Queen.
I want to talk to you about stuff.
I actually feel more comfortable with you
when there's a witness.
So you want somebody to watch?
I love that.
I just… Uh…
Great game the other day.
The crowd was so rowdy,
especially that older gentleman.
Yeah. [chuckles] That was my, um…
cranky therapist grandpa.
And that tall lady wearing all the colors,
she's my hero godmother.
And then there was Brian
who's my guncle-godfather, and Sean.
More people.
And the woman who made our goalie cry,
that's my neighbor-mother.
- Yeah.
- Well, that's great. I mean, we're…
And heads up, I can't be responsible
for what any of those people do
if you don't let me on to the team.
You're lucky to have such a big
and frighteningly loyal support group.
Yeah.
I really am.
Okay, so look.
We have the reputation
of being a defensive team.
That's why we're looking to add
more attackers like yourself.
[audio fading] So,
I'm gonna go over a few things…
Nice meeting you, coach.
You too, Alice. Sorry it didn't work out.
Hey! You're making a big mistake.
She's great.
You don't have to sell me.
She turned me down.
[sighs]
Sean, those go inside.
Oh! Thanks for meeting us here.
We're all helping to get ready
for our friend's impromptu wedding.
That's so kind. Wow, even Brian?
Yes, Stuart, you shady little bitch.
I know how to be kind,
I'm just not a whore about it.
Hi, Stuart, I'm Gaby.
Hi, I think we…
No time for chitchat. I heard you're great
at wrapping silverware with a napkin,
and putting a ribbon on it. Go.
Oh. This might be the first time
I've been attracted to a woman. [chuckles]
- Thank God, you're here.
- Oh.
No, Liz. This meeting isn't for you.
Sister, lights are for you, okay?
Actually, it might be better for everybody
if you went inside, and set up the bar.
I wanna stay outside and do the lights.
No! You wanna stay outside
and get in their business.
[chuckles] I can do both.
You cannot. You're coming with me. Come.
Listen, you've gotta figure
this Ava stuff out right now.
Your intrusive friend is not wrong.
Well, I wish you'd told us that.
I believe you have a text from me
two weeks ago that says,
"You should figure out this Ava stuff."
Maybe follow up?
Try going the extra mile. How about that?
I am currently rolling silverware
for strangers.
But not for us, Stuart.
Look, it's up to you
to define the parameters.
For example, you could create a structure
where there's regular visitation annually.
Like she's Santa?
We can't compete with that.
Okay, or monthly, like a car payment.
Less of a threat to your fragile ego.
Either way, the benefit is having
another loving adult in your child's life.
Well, that could be nice.
Yeah, if you think shit shows are nice.
Oh, boy.
I'm back. She took her eye off me.
Listen, when I had Matthew,
my maternal instinct kicked in so hard
that when the nurse came in
to give the baby a bath,
I went feral on her.
Bit her, tasted blood.
- God.
- [Stuart] Oh.
The point is, it's gonna be very hard
for Ava to let go of this baby.
And if you guys open the door
even a crack,
she's gonna be in your lives forever.
There's no right or wrong way to do it.
Stuart, are you a parent?
- No.
- Then you have too many opinions.
Heard you're the nanny.
This baby is so blessed.
I think I've been avoiding this because
I'm afraid if I say what I really want,
it's gonna sound selfish.
And that's just, like, so not me.
- I know.
- But honestly,
I'm happy to send her a picture,
and an update once a year.
But I don't want Ava involved.
This is our family.
Babe, you sound passionate about this.
I am.
We want it to be just the two of us.
The three of us.
[sighs] We have to go tell her.
- Let me know how it goes.
- Okay.
- Okay.
- [grunts]
You happy with this?
No.
Can I help you?
You got a gun?
Okay. Easy does it, Paul.
Hi, we are looking for a tie
and a pocket square in this color please.
Oh! [chuckles] I love a pocket square.
It-It's like your suit is winking
at people.
Wh-What are you guys doing here?
We have great style.
Jimmy dresses like Mr. Rogers.
Sorry, that's a direct quote from Gaby.
- Mr. Rogers?
- Mm-hmm.
- I'm blushing.
- Fred Rogers could get it.
Incidentally, my great aunt had
a lost "weekend" with Mr. Rogers.
Said it was a very good day
in the neighborhood.
[chuckles] Oh.
So the neighborhood was her vagina?
- Yes, Paul.
- It could have been her butt.
- Holy shit.
- That's more of a dark alley.
Maybe you guys could just check out
the rest of the store.
- Yeah. I'm gonna start right here.
- Yeah. We're just…
Damn it!
- I got you.
- [sighs]
Fuck Parkinson's.
[sighs]
Yeah. Fuck Parkinson's.
Hey. Uh, so when I marry you, is there
anything you want me to say in particular?
'Cause I could go on for hours.
But I know you'd hate that.
So I thought I'd keep it under,
like, ten, 20 minutes.
You got one sentence.
And try not to make it too sappy.
Well, then maybe try
not to have such a beautiful love story.
Oh, Jimmy. When you get married,
I am so gonna torture you.
[Jimmy chuckles]
I'm never getting married again.
[sighs]
Never's a long time, kid.
I already found my soul mate.
We had a beautiful daughter.
What more could I ask for?
Look, with Alice going away to college,
I've done a lot of thinking
about being alone.
I got great friends,
got a job that I love.
It's a good life.
Besides there's a certain person I know
who spent most of their life alone,
and they seemed to really enjoy it.
- Who?
- You, fucker.
[sighs] Oh. Yeah.
Hey! Not that anyone's asking… [chuckles]
…they don't have belts.
- Which is a huge blind spot.
- Uh, yeah.
They're just leaving money
on the table. Right?
Also, the salesman said they don't have
the pocket squares
- in the color that we want.
- Oh. Well. [chuckles]
But they do have them
at their other boutique.
I never go to a second boutique.
I can't believe she turned me down.
Well, she's gonna regret it.
I can text my cousin Seamus.
He will fuck her up.
I found him through 23 and Me,
and he's like a full-blown psycho.
Maybe take a beat on that.
I mean, it sucks.
But I can always go to college near here.
What are you doing? I talked to the coach.
You turned her down.
You lied to me?
No, I wasn't lying to you.
I was practicing before I lie to my dad.
Oh. Then you're 100% forgiven.
Proud of you. Proud of your lies.
[sighs] I don't get it. You wanted this.
When I talked to her, it reminded me
how much you guys show up for me.
You always do. Maybe I'm not ready
to leave this. Feeling safe.
I mean, you get it,
you still live in the backyard.
I don't live in the yard.
There's a tiny house.
- Can you please just not nark to dad?
- Alice, I don't know.
Sean, come on, my mom died.
Sorry, not doing that anymore.
Please.
[clicks tongue]
All right, fine. I won't say anything.
I hope you mean that because there is
nothing Seamus hates more than a snitch.
Except for the Royal Family.
He's supes political.
Sorry your bachelorette party was just
you trying on a dress
and then making a list of all the guys
you bonked.
- Impressive body count by the way.
- Thank you. The '70s were fun. [chuckles]
You know,
I didn't even get to tell the story
about how I went to a bachelorette party,
and the stripper was my friend's son.
It should have been really weird,
but honestly I was really into it.
- Oh.
- He gave me eye contact the whole time.
It feels like
you did get to tell that story.
I still think about that young man.
I use it, if you know what I mean.
I'm okay with my party being over.
Jimmy went home.
And your significant others whose names
I can't remember went to the belt store.
You know their names.
I truly do not.
Say their names.
Okay. Well,
where's your tie and pocket square?
- [clears throat]
- [sighs] Come on, dude.
Who cares about this?
We're at Liz's house, not the Copacabana.
This is so unnecessary.
[sighs] Paul…
No, no, no. He-He's right.
I mean, we-we can hit the courthouse,
and then just…
I don't know, all have pizza over here
or something. It'd be a lot less hassle.
Exactly. Thank you.
I'll meet you in the car.
Um… She said exactly
what I wanted her to say,
but I felt that there was something
not good underneath it.
What the heck's the matter with you?
You're mad 'cause you had
to buy a tie and hankie?
You weren't there.
Jimmy sexualized Mr. Rogers.
And the Dereks would not stop talking.
I knew you knew their names.
Mm-hmm. Look,
I know I'm knee-deep in your nuptials,
and as much as I love doing
the electric slide with white people,
do you really think that
this is all about me?
- Are you that dumb?
- Are you?
You think I'd be doing all this
if I couldn't tell Julie wanted it?
- Do you?
- Girl,
sometimes it's all right
to let me talk last.
I'm sorry. I got excited.
This is bullshit.
Julie doesn't care.
Her car is gone.
No way.
[sighs] All right. You can say it.
No fucking way!
[sighs]
She said I wasn't a good fit for the team.
She comes into our house and rejects me.
Whatever. You know what?
I'm-I'm over it. I'm over it.
Hey, screw Wesleyan.
Come here.
She's lying. Alice is the one
who said no to the coach.
Sean, you promised you wouldn't tell him!
That's 'cause I didn't think he'd be dumb
enough to actually believe you.
What college coach flies
across the country just to reject someone?
A kind, respectful one.
- I don't… What-What's going on?
- I don't want to talk about it.
She'd thought about how much she'd
miss all of us, and it freaked her out.
Could you please
go back to your pool house?
Hey, hold on!
Sean can stay. He's part of this family.
Sweet.
Hey.
[sighs] I just don't think
I'm ready to go yet.
I know I'm not ready to leave you.
Well, I understand that.
It's okay not to be ready, you know.
If you need more time,
you can just live here at home
and go to school around here.
- Thanks, Dad.
- [imitates buzzer]
That's some bullshit, Jimmy.
That bullshit is worse than her bullshit.
You know she could do this.
You just don't want her to leave.
Damn it! I just made you family.
As of now, you are out of the family.
Return to the pool house.
I cannot believe Paul was right,
and his Field thing is real.
Now I gotta wink at him all sensually.
What are you talking about?
You're both afraid to move forward,
but you know you should.
Fuck. All of us need to do that.
Should we gang up on him?
I think we should gang up on him.
I want to so badly, but he's right.
And it's very annoying.
[sighs]
Kid, you can handle going away to college.
- [sighs]
- After everything we've been through,
it'll be a breeze. [chuckles]
In a lot of ways,
you lived on your own already.
I sort of prepared you for this.
Maybe that was my plan all along.
No. Nice try though.
All these people you're afraid of leaving,
they're gonna be here…
- [door closes]
- Get the fuck out of here, Matthew!
[Derek sighs] There you are.
Sorry. Come on, bud.
We got food for you at home.
I just got yelled at
for eating the food at home.
Well, yeah. That was the wedding cake.
[Ava] Come on in. Make yourselves at home.
[chuckles]
- Please sit. [chuckles]
- Great. Yeah.
You both look so handsome.
I love the looks.
- Thank you.
- [both chuckling]
What's the occasion?
We may or may not be
going to a wedding in 45 minutes.
[chuckling]
Fingers crossed for it to either happen,
or not happen in a super dramatic way.
That's so fun.
My mom and dad never went
to stuff together.
You ever see those couples where
you can tell they shouldn't be married,
but they just stay in it forever and ever
because divorce is a sin? [chuckles]
Good. We're back to the God stuff.
Sorry. You probably didn't come by
to hear about my childhood.
- No.
- [chuckles]
So what did you want to talk about?
Um… Hmm. [chuckles]
[chuckles]
[stammers] Um…
I made it weird. [stammers]
I do that sometimes.
- I do that too. [chuckles]
- He does.
It's just, your family is so special.
And I feel lucky
to be even a small part of it.
[voice cracking] I'm really grateful
for you guys.
[chuckling] Sorry, I-I'm done
interrupting now. Your turn. [chuckles]
[clicks tongue, sighs]
So, how'd it go?
You know…
I bailed. [groans] I got one sentence in,
and asked her to spend
the rest of her life with us.
- No!
- [groans]
She said that I looked handsome!
And her family was sad,
and she said that she liked my look.
And you know I've always been
on the fence about this jacket.
She famously has bad taste as we learned
from the Winnie-the-Pooh fiasco.
I know what you're going to say.
That-That I-I-I'm weak
and I don't deserve this baby.
It's just that Ava is so…
[sighs]
…alone, you know.
[sighs]
You…
are a weak man.
I know, I know. I fucked up.
And I would have done the same thing.
Really?
It sucks that we're such good people.
I know. Right?
Not yet, problem drinkers.
Where did you come from?
Oh. What? Are you out of your
freaking mind? I said no soft cheeses.
Wh… How do you have a walkie?
Who are you talking to?
Look, there's only a 50-50 chance
our guests of honor are gonna show up.
But we are going
to have a wedding either way.
Liz, I will marry you if I have to.
Well, now I hope
that Paul and Julie don't show up.
I know. We all know.
Don't drink that one, that one's for me.
You take this little one.
You gonna dress like this?
It makes me feel like you're not into it.
Hey,
I thought
we didn't care about any of this?
I don't. I… I didn't…
But then I-I tried on that dress,
and-and it was pretty. [chuckles]
Plus, my 15-minute bachelorette party
wasn't just me talking about
all the guys I've been with.
Excuse me?
I… I told them how we met, and about
our first date at that Italian restaurant.
And that we didn't realize
it was also a karaoke bar,
and how you talk-sang
"Total Eclipse of the Heart."
And they were oohing and aahing,
and I just… [chuckles]
I just got sucked in.
And I… My God. I just…
I feel like… I just feel so stupid.
No. You're not the stupid one.
I promised myself I'd start enjoying life
to the fullest, and…
But unfortunately… [sighs]
…what I like most in life is…
being an asshole.
[chuckles] You are great at it.
Won't stop. Can't stop.
What I should have been realizing is
what we have here.
You. Me.
[chuckles]
That's worth celebrating.
I mean, we could end up
spending the next 50 years together.
What? That's it?
Well, then you'll probably die,
and I'll meet someone else.
[laughs, snorts]
I forgot something.
[clears throat]
Will you… Will you marry me…
in 15 minutes?
[chuckles]
[sighs] Yeah.
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
So shotgun wedding, huh? Julie's pregnant?
I knew I shouldn't have invited you.
My wedding gift to my dad is that
I didn't bring my husband Dave.
[sighs] You can't put a price on that.
[chuckles]
It means a lot that you came.
Of course I came.
You should get married every weekend.
I want as much time as I can get with you.
[kisses]
Keep it short, okay?
Okay. If you wanna…
We can hug and kiss too, you know?
- [Paul grunts]
- [chuckles]
I-I haven't been to a wedding
on my own in a long time.
- Yeah.
- Kinda fun.
I don't have to be a married mom here.
I might drink too much.
I might ask a stranger to dance.
I might even try some flirty banter.
You-You wanna give it a shot?
Okay.
Hey, my daddy is the groom.
What's your daddy like?
[chuckles]
It was… You know what?
It was… It was okay.
- You're gonna warm up.
- Uh-huh.
Maybe just, like, say "daddy" less.
- I'm gonna start drinking.
- Okay.
- Have fun.
- Yeah. Yes. No, I understand.
Yes, I get how it could seem
like I'm not committed.
It's the Wesleyan coach.
I fucked this all up.
Dead mom card. Last time ever.
Play it hard.
[clears throat] The thing is…
[breathes shakily]
…I got in my head about leaving because
my mom died not that long ago.
[mouthing words] More, more, more.
Yeah, yeah. I've been a bit of a mess
since we lost Mama.
Mama?
That is so kind of you.
Oh, you will not regret this.
Thank you so much.
I can't wait. Thank you.
- I'm going to Wesleyan! [squeals]
- [glass clinks]
Okay! We're about
to get this thing rolling.
So, please take your seats.
You like awesome speeches?
["Every Morning" playing]
[stammers] Well, let's get going.
Are you gonna sit down?
I'm giving you away.
Your dad never showed up.
[chuckles] I've always been glad
that he was dead,
but now I'm even more glad. [sighs]
["Wedding March" playing]
- [grunting]
- What are you doing?
Nothing. It's just a bug.
- Oh, that's perfect.
- [sighs]
- [grunts]
- Get in there. Get in there.
- [chuckles]
- [kisses] Love you.
[Jimmy] Could all please be seated.
I would be remiss if I did not take
a moment to recognize that right now,
all around this great country of ours,
- melons are forced…
- Melons?
…to have gigantic weddings surrounded
by friends and family.
- They cantaloupe.
- [groaning, laughing]
- [Derrick] Wow.
- Oh, my God.
You let that man inside you.
Yeah, I'm not proud of it.
I'm right here, guys.
I do wanna thank everybody for coming,
of course, and now…
Nope. You had your melon joke
which we all felt violated by.
Yes.
That's your one sentence.
No, Paul.
That was a greeting not a sentence.
Let the man have his sentence!
- [clamoring]
- He needs it. He needs it.
Dad, don't be a dick.
[Sean] Give him a phrase.
- Let him talk!
- I'm not scared of any of you.
- Okay, okay. You know what? Listen to me.
- This is… No.
Just do it for me, big guy, okay?
Fine.
- Go.
- Okay.
We are here today
to celebrate Paul and Julie,
who are living examples that love can
be found in the most unlikely of times.
And in the most unlikely of places.
Comma.
Which in their case,
was a cold and sterile doctors' office
where they first locked eyes
over Julie's stethoscope.
Comma. And despite many obstacles,
- including the medical code of ethics…
- [crowd laughs]
…they forged a connection so deep,
and so strong,
that they managed to tear down the walls
of a certain fortress of solitude
once and for all.
Semicolon.
So, Paul and Julie,
thank you so much for sharing this moment,
and your love with all of us.
Because every single one of us
is so lucky to get to love you back.
Period.
Suck it. Exclamation point.
[laughing]
[exhales deeply]
[stammers] And now…
Oh, right. I forgot, I'm sorry.
And now by the power vested in me
by the State of California,
I now pronounce you…
Whoa. You're just gonna do it?
Whoa. Okay. You're married.
You can just go ahead,
and kiss her real deep like that.
- [Gaby] Yeah!
- [guests cheering]
[guest] Yeah. Oh.
[cheers]
- Yeah.
- [guest] Bravo.
["I'll Take You There"
by The Staple Singers playing]
Hey, big guy. I owe you something.
[chuckles] Told you.
So you're telling me I have a year
to kiss anyone I want?
I am so not telling you that.
I am telling you that.
[laughs]
I know who I'm picking.
- Aw.
- [laughs] Fuck that.
If I was allowed to cheat I would
obviously choose Pedro Pascal…
- Also my spouse.
- Mm-hmm.
[Derek laughs]
- [chuckles] This is amazing, babe.
- Really?
Yeah, I can't believe you pulled it off.
I love you.
Oh, my God. You did it.
You said it normal.
- Wow. That's cool.
- Yeah.
Oh. Well, now I miss the weird one.
Oh, I can make it weird.
I can do impressions. I could do Sméagol.
Do that one.
[imitates Sméagol]
I love you, my precious.
[laughs]
You could have that too, you know.
I already did, Paul.
I was lucky enough
to have it for, uh, almost 20 years.
So…
I'm not certain I'm ever gonna top that.
[chuckles]
The dead wife card.
I'm guessing you are the one
who told Alice to stop using it.
Scary, isn't it?
To think about putting yourself out there.
Do me a favor, will you.
[sighs] Don't be like me.
Don't wait as long as I did.
Hey, Daddy.
- Wow.
- You wanna dance?
I think it's still too much "daddy."
Okay, Daddy. Come on, Daddy.
[chuckles]
[sighs] What the fuck?
[breathing heavily]
[water running]
Gerry, what are you doing here?
Hey, don't get too excited.
I just love cake.
- Hey, stud. [chuckles]
- Hi.
[chuckles] So who are you talking to?
- Gerry.
- Who?
Gerry.
Oh.
[chuckles] You don't see him, do you?
[sighs]
Woof.
Yeah.
[water running]
Hey, sexy. Mind if I take a shower?
Well, it's gonna fog up my mirror.
How about I wipe a little spot
on the shower door,
and then you can sneak a peek?
Wipe two spots. One for the fun zone,
and then do another one for your face.
Yeah, deal.
[patient] And it's a great property,
but I overleveraged myself.
I might have to sell it at a loss.
And it's hitting all my failure buttons.
- [grunts]
- I'm sorry, are you okay?
Yeah. I took my meds, but they don't
always kick in the way they used to.
[stammers] If it bothers you,
I-I can put my hand in my lap.
And I'll cover it with this blanket.
But then it might look like
I'm pleasuring myself
to your financial troubles.
Sorry, if it's a distraction.
Thank you.
[sighs]
[sighs]
What are you in for?
Parkinson's. You?
Just a haircut.
[chuckles] I deserve
more of a laugh than that.
I'm sorry.
I'm just going through it today.
You look good.
Your voice is firm. Makes you sound wise.
Yeah, I am quite wise.
How's your balance?
Not bad. [stammers]
The stupid exercises help.
Me? I fall three times a day.
I'm thinking of taking up stunt work.
[chuckles]
- Paul.
- Gerry.
Only a mild tremor.
I would kill to have a tremor like that.
Yeah. Well, I get real stiff.
And my left side hurts all the time.
I told my girlfriend that sex helps,
but she's a doctor
so she knows I'm full of shit.
That's a tough break.
I feel stupid complaining to you.
Oh, please.
We're all on the same shitty train
to Sucksville.
How's the brain? Any hallucinations?
No, thank God.
They're the worst.
Bad enough your body goes, but then
you start seeing shit. It's scary.
I didn't even know
that was a thing with Parkinson's.
Although, one time I saw Halle Berry
in the bathtub with me.
Another time it was my mom.
So, good and bad?
Unless your mom's really hot.
Well, Dad says she's a bobcat in the sack.
[chuckles]
Enough whining.
I'm still here, so fuck Parkinson's.
Yeah. Okay.
You gotta say it to mean it.
Gerry, I'll grab you in a minute.
Paul, you ready?
Fuck Parkinson's.
Fuck Parkinson's.
What the fuck? I was here first.
[Paul] I gotta face it, Jimmy.
The end of my life is gonna be hard.
And I can either be
a self-pitying shithead,
or I can suck the marrow
out of what's left of this amazing life.
No more living in Why Me Land.
I kinda like Why Me Land.
I spent a couple years there recently.
It's nice.
Well, anyway, that's my new philosophy.
Fuck Parkinson's.
Catchy. Fuck Parkinson's.
- Fuck Parkinson's.
- Fuck it right in the face.
Don't fuck my disease in the face, Jimmy.
We'll see.
But I need a favor.
Keep me in check if you see me sinking.
Pull me up.
I know that's a lot to ask.
Paul.
I have leaned on you so much.
Just grateful I get the chance
to pay you back even a little.
That said, I still don't understand
why that means
I have to ride next to you in a sports car
while you drive like a lunatic.
Are you coming or not? Just because
I'm not allowed on the streets,
doesn't mean I can't do it.
[screaming]
["Song 2" by Blur playing]
- [Paul chuckles]
- [Jimmy grunting]
- Paul, Paul.
- [Paul laughs]
- You having fun?
- Yeah.
Oh, good.
Paul, slow down.
- Paul, this is triggering.
- [Paul chuckles]
My wife died in a car, Paul.
[Paul] Come on! Relax.
[screaming]
["Frightening Fishes"
by Benjamin Gibbard playing]
Baby, sorry, we ran out of creamer
'cause I didn't feel like getting it.
Also, last night when you were sleeping…
Let's see… How do I say this? Um…
You started screaming like a little bitch.
What's the dealio?
- Uh… You know…
- Come on. No, no, really.
Like, what is it?
Okay. Um…
- When I was ten…
- Mm-hmm.
…I threw a pine cone at a crow in my yard.
And needless to say he was pissed.
And he would dive bomb me every time
I went to the bus stop.
Like, every time.
You know crows hold grudges?
I did not. But this is already
the best story I've ever heard.
Yeah. So, I have this recurring nightmare
that he's gonna find me and fuck me up.
[chuckles] What? So you think
he's gonna, like, rip out your eyes?
He'll probably just take one eye.
That way you'll be able to see him smile
while he eats it.
I'm so glad I shared this with you.
I know. I'm sorry, baby. I love you.
- I love you.
- Hmm?
- What?
- What do you mean "what?"
Did you not hear the way you said
"I love you"?
Yeah, I sound normal.
You sound like Morpheus. Try it again.
[clears throat]
- I love you. Oh. Wow! [chuckles]
- [laughing]
- Just keep it caj, like, love ya.
- All right.
Love ya.
Give me a kiss.
There's racist Pam.
I have to do something
so she knows I hate her.
Trust me. Everyone you hate is already
well aware you hate them. [chuckles]
[chuckles] Well, you do something,
so she knows you hate her too.
Like what?
I mean, how many dicks can I tell her
to eat at this point? It's redundant.
We're getting closer. Think of something.
Good morning.
[blows raspberry]
That was the sexiest thing I've ever seen.
You wanna go home and have a quick?
- Hell, sure.
- All right.
- [Derek] Come on, let's go.
- [both chuckle]
Done. Look at me building shit, so masc.
Is it turning you on?
It would be
if you were doing it correctly.
Come on, there's nothing more masc than
confidently doing something incorrectly.
Unless I was, like, standing by a grill
and simultaneously overcooking
and undercooking sausages.
[chuckles]
[chuckles] Appreciate it, man.
- Yo, Pops.
- [Tim] Yeah?
I put some extra peppers in that bag
for Graham.
Mmm.
And I'll see y'all at Sunday dinner.
Where you off to?
- He's got a booty call.
- [chuckles]
- That's a…
- He knows what a booty call is.
Geez, man. I'm in my 40s.
Oh, so is she.
- [sighs]
- Oh.
The older the berry the sweeter the juice.
Sometimes I miss when we weren't talking.
Aah. Stop. [chuckles] All right.
[shrieks] Huge news!
You found my last pair of clean boxers?
What? No. No.
The Wesleyan soccer coach is coming
to my next game to watch me play.
- Wow. That's exciting too.
- Yeah.
Hey! Bingo. Good news keeps coming.
Ew. You're going commando right now?
- No.
- Ew, again.
I'm moving past it.
[sighs] I'm going to play soccer
in Connecticut!
- [grunts]
- [chuckles]
[Jimmy] It's weird, everyone around me
seems to be so full of joy lately.
I still get knocked on my ass
by the smallest things.
[sighs]
It's funny, my friend Paul,
he got me thinking.
We all have agency.
And maybe happiness is not
this impossible thing.
You just have to choose it.
And why are you saying this to me?
My mistake.
You're like the happiest person I know.
Listen, you don't have to try
and inspire me every time we talk.
Why can't we just sit
and enjoy our coffees?
Because the coffee from your shop
is almost a hate crime.
Fair. Why do you think
the coyote is so sad?
Maybe because you call it a coyote?
That's not British that's just…
- What do you call it?
- Coyote.
Coyote.
- Nope.
- Okay.
I gotta ask.
Are you happy spending your days
handing out the Wi-Fi password
and heating up milk?
Hey, I also have complete creative control
over how the muffins are arranged.
Okay. Didn't you use to be
a graphic designer?
Yeah. You know the logo
at the farmers' market?
- Yeah.
- That was me.
Get the fuck out of here.
I see that every time I go
to the farmers' market.
- Yeah, that's how it works.
- Mmm.
At some point you're gonna
have to restart your life.
I know.
I'm just finally feeling okay where I am.
I… I think I don't wanna risk messing
with that.
Yeah, I get that.
Alice and I are doing
really great right now.
She's gonna be heading off
to college soon.
[Louis] Mmm.
All I want is for her to live with me
until I die peacefully.
And then she can go off
and make whatever mistakes
a young woman in her 70s might make.
- Oh, that sounds healthy.
- [chuckles]
How you dealing with it?
Same thing I tell my patients.
Fake it till you make it.
- Mm-hmm.
- I'm gonna be supportive.
Do everything I can
to help her get into Wesleyan.
Pretend I'm not dying inside.
Goal!
I'm just practicing
'cause I know you're gonna get one today.
Are you seriously
putting that much pressure on me?
Uh, what? No. [stammers]
You don't… You don't have to score at all.
No. If I don't, I'm doomed.
I hope whatever you want to happen,
happens without you feeling
like it has to happen.
[groans] I still can't figure out
how to wear my new haircut for the game.
Do I wear a headband? Or half up? Or…
- Hey, hey. I love it.
- [Alice sighs]
Your mom used to wear her hair like that
when we first met.
- Wait. Really?
- No. I don't know why I said that.
You made me really nervous with
the whole goal versus no goal issue.
- [sighs]
- Um… I do have one small request.
Can we do face paint for the game today?
She said no, Derek.
Come on!
Chest is still good though, yeah?
She said no paint anywhere.
What are we? Quakers?
When did I join club no fun?
Why did he have it on already?
He says it gives it time to settle.
Hey, I'm leaving.
- Okay.
- [Liz] I'm coming.
Okay. Listen, I've been visualizing this.
The Wesleyan coach loves you.
You get to go to your dream college
in New England.
My turtleneck game is fire.
I'm there for all the big games. Season
opener, homecoming, neighbors weekend.
- Parents weekend.
- We'll see.
Are you good?
I didn't really sleep.
I'm losing my shit a bit.
Hey, if you start
to feel nervous out there,
I want you to look up into the stands
and see all of us
- and borrow our positive energy.
- Yes.
- And we're gonna project it at you.
- Okay.
We're gonna be like… [grunting]
- Dad, what is wrong with you?
- You look like you're vomiting on her.
- I know, I heard it.
- [engine starts]
Hey, Alice. We're really proud of you.
I haven't played yet.
Doesn't matter.
[sighs]
Morning. Did I put that smile
on your face?
You did.
I think we should end this.
And by this, you mean
the talking before the sex. Right?
When I met you, I'd just gotten divorced
and I needed something sexy and fun.
And along comes a hot younger man
who called me Dr. Sykes in bed.
Well, there's no way
I'm learning your first name now.
[chuckles]
I think it's time for me
to stop hiding from the future.
Okay, that sucks.
Are you really gonna pretend
this is super serious to you?
Nah. But…
I am gonna miss it.
Well, I didn't say
it had to end this second.
Oh, so we doing
the grand finale type thing?
Mm-hmm.
Doing the gospel choir with the…
[imitates fireworks] …fireworks?
Yeah, but I gotta be at work in 15.
I can do a no-frills ten.
Come here, Dr. Sykes.
No shit. She really broke up with you?
Yeah.
[chuckles]
You seem surprised?
Only because she hasn't called me yet.
[chuckles]
We talked about it more,
and she said that being with me
was keeping her from moving forward.
I understand it, but it's still annoying.
Well, maybe it's annoying
because deep down you realize
that you should be moving on too.
I know you want more.
A real relationship, your own place,
a sailboat in Connecticut.
Okay, the last one's mine.
But point is,
if you're not growing, you're not living.
Nah, I lived this morning.
Twice.
I'll make a note of that. Huh?
Patient keeps bragging
despite having been dumped.
I miss the notebook.
So do I, kid.
My handwriting got too shaky.
Have I taught you about The Field?
Is this more of
your crunchy munchy spiritual crap?
Life is a conversation with the universe.
And we're off.
The Field is an intelligent energy force
that knows who you're supposed to be.
And it's gonna keep demonstrating to you
what it is you need to work on most.
Over and over again
until you start to do it.
Damn.
That actually sounds like
it would be very helpful
if it were real.
[chuckles]
Why are you smiling?
Because I'm just thinking about
how much I'm gonna enjoy it
when you find out that Field is real.
And when that happens,
you don't even have to tell me
I was right.
Just, I don't know,
throw me some prayer hands
like I'm a god.
How about I hit you with a sexy wink?
You call that sexy?
Okay. Let me see your game.
All right. I'd hit that.
You couldn't handle it.
[chuckles]
It's a lot redoing
the upstairs guest bathroom.
Mm-hmm.
And I appreciate that my husband's
giving me carte blanche budget wise.
But every time I try to tell him
what I want to do creatively,
he doesn't wanna hear it.
Brave women are often silenced, Kathy.
- Mmm.
- You, Rosa Parks, Pussy Riot…
Yeah, and I know
I shouldn't have said that.
But her problem just felt so trivial.
I couldn't stay focused.
Man, I zone out sometimes too.
I got this one patient, uh… Gregory.
He goes by Spider.
He's got the great nickname,
he's covered in tats.
He's always wearing some cool boots.
This guy is so fucking boring…
Hey, am I early?
Gregory?
Hey… hey, man. How goes it?
- We're gonna go do this.
- [Gaby] Yeah, go.
Every time I doubt myself as a therapist,
he goes and does something so stupid
that it makes me feel better about myself.
That's why I keep him around.
Yeah. You know,
everybody I've been treating these days
just seems to be caught up
in such low-stakes shit.
I know, suffering is suffering.
And I'm grateful to make a living
doing what we do.
But… [sighs]
I don't know. That stuff with my sister,
my dad being bipolar.
Like, I got into this because I wanted
to help people deal with real trauma.
Mm-hmm.
Like, sometimes I just feel like I'm not
doing what I'm supposed to be doing.
- Does that make any sense?
- [sighs]
My first job was at Bellevue.
Suicidal ideation, personality disorders,
schizophrenia, all of it.
How was it?
It was the worst job I ever had.
- Really?
- And also the best.
You'd be great there.
Thanks, Paul.
As a doctor,
- or as a patient.
- [clicks tongue] Whatever.
Okay. I've been thinking
about the color scheme in your nursery.
For the curtains, I have two swatches
for you to choose from.
- Tell him the truth.
- I have one swatch.
- Okay.
- But I'm really excited
- to hear your thoughts.
- Truth.
I don't care what you think,
and I also chose the wallpaper.
Okay. Oh. You know, actually, uh,
Ava is coming to see us tomorrow.
She might have some fun thoughts
decor-wise.
You know,
Derek's brother used to eat candles.
[stammers] What?
Oh, I thought we were talking about
stupid shit that doesn't matter.
Okay. Just show me the baby's wallpaper.
Not yet.
The most important person isn't here.
Rude. I told you Charlie couldn't make it.
- Who gives a shit about Charlie?
- What's up, sluts?
- [Derek] Hey!
- [Liz] Hello.
Now we can begin.
- [gasps]
- So, what do you think?
[sighs] It's so peaceful…
Don't interrupt Gaby.
I can't interrupt her
while she's thinking?
- Brian, please! Damn.
- Okay. All right, I'm sorry.
[sighs] Liz, I love it.
- It's so peaceful.
- [stammers]
Plus, if you're feeling lazy, you
don't want to take the baby for a walk,
you can just be like, "Look up at the sky,
baby." [chuckles] "We're already outside."
Babies are dumb. [chuckles]
Can you believe she thinks she gets to
make these decisions about my baby.
You knew what you was getting into
when you hired Nanny Mc-Liz.
I made it perfectly clear you would be
dealing with a major control freak.
- I'm the worst. [chuckles]
- [phone ringing]
Oh. [stammers] Um…
I'm just… I must take this out back.
Hey, you.
What was that about?
I don't know.
The past few days,
he's been taking secret calls.
It's so weird.
Usually, he answers the phone
on speaker phone,
and makes everyone say hi
to whoever it is on the line.
- [Gaby] Mm-hmm.
- It makes me crazy.
Obviously, he's revenge cheating on you.
- What?
- Yes, the one-year rule.
He gets that much time to do the same
thing you did with no consequences.
- [Gaby] Liz?
- [Brian] Oh.
[clicks tongue] Damn, dude. You broke her.
- Liz, I was joking. It was just a joke.
- Hey. Come back, girl. Come back.
Hey, hey! Come on!
We got a soccer game to get to.
- That's right. Let's go! Let's go.
- Let's go! Let's go!
- [Gaby] Oh. Let's do it! Let's do it.
- Let's go! Let's go.
- Let's go.
- [Gaby] Let's go.
What's up with her?
She's freaked out 'cause
she thinks Derek might be cheating on her.
- The one-year rule?
- [Brian] Mmm.
It happens.
Dude, it's real?
Yeah.
- Come on! Who's pumped?
- Yes!
[Gaby] Me! I'm pumped. You pumped?
- [Brian] What's soccer?
- I'm pumped!
- [Gaby] You pumped! [exclaims]
- [Derek] Wait for me, wait for me.
Are we early, or does everybody
just hate soccer as much as I do?
[chuckles] Hey.
I have a fun way to pass the time.
I had Brian look at your new will.
And he said it's more complicated
to become each other's beneficiaries
than we think.
We gotta get that power of attorney
straightened out too.
When it comes time to pull the plug on me,
I'm pretty sure
Meg's gonna chicken out. So…
- you're my girl.
- Ooh. I can't wait.
- Can't wait for what?
- When I have to put Paul down.
- Ooh, cool. Let's get lunch after.
- [Derek grunts]
[Jimmy] Holy Macanoli.
Look at all these beautiful faces.
Thanks for coming, everyone.
I just want to say…
- Not every moment is a speech moment.
- This one is.
It still feels like a good lesson for you.
Look, it means the world.
Y'all showing up like this.
I'm not sure Alice would be such a strong
young woman if it weren't for all of you.
[laughs] She wouldn't be.
- We did most of it.
- You did nothing.
What the fuck?
I'm trying to say thank you.
Great speech, Jimbo. Sit down.
Hey, man. I heard Alice got her hair cut,
so you might have to show me
which one she is.
No problem.
- [imitates Derrick] I love you.
- [gasps] Sean.
You told people?
Only Sean, babe.
Oh.
[imitates Derrick] I love you too, man.
- And everybody else. I'm sorry, babe.
- [chuckles]
Hey! Come on, Alice! Let's go!
Come on, Alice!
You're not cheering?
She's just stretching.
- Stretching like a beast!
- [Gaby] Hey.
- Don't say beast. No.
- Yeah. Don't call women beasts, dude.
A beast is a good thing in sports.
- Oh. Our bad.
- Oh, it is? Our bad.
[whistle blows]
["Superglue" by Role Model playing]
[cheers] Go, Alice!
Wait. Why aren't you out there?
The coach suggested
I might be better as a fan.
Shut up!
Every coach I ever had said that to me.
[Jimmy] Okay. Let's go, Alice! [cheering]
Okay, okay. All right. Go, go, go.
Yes, great pass.
[groans]
Okay. Hey! That was a great idea, Alice.
- She likes it when I stay positive.
- Well, I'm not you.
Hey, ponytail! When Alice gives you
a good pass, finish it! Yeah, you!
- Jesus, Paul.
- Hey, Paul. Just tone it down.
[whistle blows]
[Gaby] Let's go, Alice! Come on, girl!
- [Liz] Come on, girl! [cheers]
- That's it. Come on, Alice!
- [Gaby] Come on. You've got this game!
- [Jimmy] Yeah. Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.
[Alice grunting]
- [crowd groans]
- God! That's a foul!
- Play on!
- Come on, ref.
What game are you watching?
Pull your head out of your ass!
- Oh, my gosh. We are so cute.
- [chuckles]
- [crowd cheering]
- [Jimmy] Go, sweetie. Go, go, go.
[Alice grunts]
- [spectator groans]
- [Jimmy] That's all right.
Hey. You're a doctor, right?
I'm having so much trouble focusing.
I'm not giving you Adderall.
- [Summer sighs]
- [crowd cheering]
- [player groans]
- [Alice groans]
- Hey, don't touch my little girl.
- [whistle blows]
[crowd cheers]
- Good call, ref. Thank you, ref.
- Yeah! Finally, finally.
Nice and calm, sweetie.
Wait, wait. Um, hey, everybody.
I need you to do what I do, okay?
[grunting]
- Okay, like that.
- [grunting]
[grunting continues]
Goal!
[cheering]
- Amazing game.
- Hey, you played awesome too.
Thanks.
- [chanting] Alice, Alice, Alice.
- [chuckles]
Okay, it's getting weird now.
Hey, Alice. You have a second?
- Sure.
- Is that the Wesleyan coach?
- Don't look.
- I don't give a shit.
I'm staring her down.
Alice Laird.
- Uh… Do you wanna just. Uh…
- [Jimmy] Paul,
I feel like that's
the exact wrong approach for this moment.
So if you two are definitely switching
your power of attorney,
I'd also recommend updating your 401(k)s,
and getting Julie on the deed
to your condo, which is a tricky process.
You need a notary, and a witness,
and the whisker of a snow leopard.
What do I have to sign
to get you to stop talking?
Hey! You asked me, Grumpus.
Ignore him. It's all just… I don't know…
Just feels so complicated.
What if you two just got married?
Wouldn't that take care most of this?
You know, he-he's-he's not wrong.
[chuckles] I mean, what little girl
hasn't dreamed of getting married,
so that she has fewer forms
to fill out. [chuckles]
[chuckles] Yeah, that would do it.
Oh.
Did you just propose to my girlfriend
for me?
- Paul…
- [Brian] No, no, no.
It's too delicious. Don't rush it.
My bad.
[mouthing words] My bad.
[Paul sighs]
[shudders]
It'll be fine.
Oh, I don't think it will.
- Hey, babe.
- Hey.
Uh, I have a confession to make.
The call I took yesterday…
[Liz] Wait. I knew it.
Is it that lady from your cornhole league?
- [stammers]
- Are you screwing the cornwhore?
No. Sharon is asexual.
To know that you must be
talking to her way too much.
Look, all the calls
were Matthew. He got fired again.
And he wanted my help
breaking the news to you.
Well, why wouldn't he just tell me?
Maybe he feels like sometimes
you can be a little hard on him.
Like, when he was five,
and he scratched your car,
so you broke the bell on his tricycle.
- Eye for an eye.
- [chuckles] Exactly.
I think he thinks it would just
go smoother if I softened you up first.
Your butt looks slammin' in those pants
by the way.
- Go on.
- [laughs]
He needs to move back home.
- Again?
- Yes!
When is this kid gonna
get his act together?
I know. Honey, he's struggling.
What else are we gonna do?
[sighs]
When does he wanna move back?
About six hours ago.
Hey, Mom.
- Your butt looks slammin' in those…
- Okay, the butt talk's not for you.
All right. Come here. Give me a hug.
You, however, may continue.
Look at those two scoops.
[muttering]
- Good morning.
- Oh, oh, oh.
No, no, no. Time to face the music.
I want to see this.
Look. Paul, I'm sorry
I proposed to your girlfriend.
[Gaby chortles]
And I'm prepared to accept
whatever punishment you deem fit.
Office chores, silent treatment,
even a light spanking if that's still
how your generation handles things.
You're not in trouble.
Boo! Do the light spanking.
Turns out getting married solves
most of our issues.
So we're just gonna go down
to the Justice of the Peace this weekend.
When they ask if we take each other
to be man and wife,
Julie is just gonna say, "I guess so."
And I'm gonna say, "Why not?" Easy-peasy.
Yeah. I'm sorry, Paul.
It's gonna be a huge no for me
on the non-wedding wedding thing.
Okay. I'm not in trouble,
and this feels dangerous.
So I'm just gonna grab some breakfast,
and exit on a win.
Ow.
Come on. You know I love you and Julie.
Let me
just throw a little something together?
[chuckles]
Fuck no.
Paul, Paul, Paul, Paul, weddings aren't
for the people that are getting married.
It's for the parents,
for the grandparents, etcetera.
And in your case they're all super dead,
so this wedding kinda, like,
really when you think about it,
is just for me.
- Julie doesn't want anything either.
- I'm already dialing her.
- Don't do this.
- I'm doing it.
- She wants to talk to me all the time.
- [line ringing]
Hey, Gaby. To what do I owe the pleasure?
- Ooh. Pleasure.
- [Paul groans]
Now, I'm so flustered
I forgot why I was calling.
Okay, keep it in your pants.
[chuckles] You know
what you do to me, girl.
I'm here!
So-So-So, what would you say
if I put together
a teeny-tiny non-wedding wedding?
Uh… No priest, they're super creepy.
Self-served wine bar.
The dress code would be
black tie forbidden.
And you get to go with me
to pick out a pretty dress
that shows off those gorgeous, sculpted
angel wings you call arms.
[chuckles] Okay.
Uh, give the phone to Paul, please.
[groans]
You really do have sculpted angel arms.
Thank you. Now, how do we stop this?
I think we just have to put her down.
[Gaby clicks tongue]
Come on, Paul. You know
I've been feeling a little lost lately.
I need this.
I'm just a girl standing in front of a boy
asking him to marry a different girl.
Once again, fuck no.
- [Julie] Okay, fine.
- Yes! [chuckling] Oh, my God, yes!
- [Paul] Goddamn it!
- You're not gonna regret it, sexy.
- Yeah. Bye, bye.
- Okay, bye. Bye.
I do not agree to this.
Coach will be here soon, but that is fine.
You know why? You know why?
Because we are ready, all right.
The house is clean.
I scattered some soccer balls
around for ambience.
Then I tripped on one. Hence, the limp.
Then I removed them all
'cause that was ridiculous.
What about snacks? We good to go?
If hors d'oeuvres could get into Wesleyan,
this cheese board would get a full ride.
I know I'm getting ahead of myself,
but I'm already picturing myself
in Connecticut.
Like, who is East Coast Alice?
How do I even dress?
I asked Liz, and all she said was
she looks amazing in turtlenecks.
I'm nervous. What if I pull a Dad?
What, act weird and word-vomit
all over her?
- Exactly.
- Right.
If it starts to go south,
just play the dead mom card.
The thing where you mention your mom died,
and people give you whatever you want.
I don't do that anymore.
Excuse me?
Two weeks ago, you got out of
building sets in drama class
by saying the smell of wood
reminded you of caskets.
I'll admit, this is a recent change.
Someone pointed out,
I'm perhaps using it as a crutch.
So I'm done.
Wow. I'm proud of you because…
Am I being casually robbed right now?
[whispering] Matthew got fired again
so he's home.
- [normal voice] But he's not at home.
- My mom said it was okay.
Oh.
Oh, Liz.
Sean, Matthew. Matthew, Sean.
You really like cheese, huh?
Yeah.
Absolutely not!
Come on. There's no food left here.
He keeps eating and eating.
He's like a Pac-Man.
It's not my problem.
When Tia died, I fed your kid for a year.
Wow. Liz played our dead mom card?
[sighs] And she played it well.
Oh. Yeah, your wife died.
That sucks.
Yeah. Time for you to go.
Nope.
[doorbell rings]
Holy crap. That's her.
- That's her.
- Can't breathe.
- I can't breathe.
- Pits immediately sweating.
Mine too.
I'll get the door.
Jimmy, say your goodbyes.
What? I have to go?
It's a shame. I memorized
all these amazing soccer facts.
Did you know Pelé was
the first spokesperson for Viagra?
Did you know that that's gross?
Okay, if you want to give any
last-second advice, this is your chance.
- Ready?
- Okay.
When you shake her hand,
make sure it's firm but not too firm.
No matter what she chooses
from that motherfucking cheese plate,
you say, "Nice choice."
Most of all,
just be yourself.
You're the best.
[Sean clears throat]
Oh. [in British accent] Hello.
- Hi.
- [normal voice] James Laird.
Passionate girl dad.
Firm, but not too firm. Nice choice.
Maggie Bohan.
You have a very impressive daughter.
Thanks.
Also, I'm not her biological father.
Her mother had an affair
with David Beckham.
And we're going.
I know, Sean.
I was there when it happened.
Wow. It's so true what they say,
you are literally glowing.
Thanks. I'm so gassy. It makes me sweaty.
However you got there,
it's working for you.
So, what do you think of the nursery?
You're fine. Take my hand.
I mean, the light is so lovely in here.
And the crib is perfect.
The only thing I'm not sure about
is that wallpaper.
[grunts, mouthing]
When I was a kid I always wanted
Winnie-the-Pooh on my wall,
but my mom only allowed Bible characters.
Like beautiful angels?
Like Cain killing Abel.
That's horrifying.
I was a pretty lonely kid.
The first book I ever read
was Winnie-the-Pooh,
and he had all those friends and…
I'm-I'm-I'm so sorry… [chuckles]
…I hope I'm not overstepping.
- Not at all. Totally fine.
- No, no.
[chuckling]
Oh, it's totally fine.
I think Winnie-the-Pooh's a great idea.
Winnie-the-Pooh can suck my dick.
Liz, no! Winnie don't do that.
Well, you'd just have
to dip it in honey first.
[laughs] Winnie loves honey.
All right. Just admit it.
You're being petty
because Ava didn't like your ideas,
and now you're gonna hold
a grudge forever.
Just like a crow.
I'm not sure I love that.
Okay. Yes, I'm petty. And yes,
I've been known to hold grudges.
- And yes, forever.
- True that.
But this is about boundaries, Brian.
You're about to adopt a baby.
Have you even discussed with Ava
how much you want her to be involved?
Are you seriously asking
if we've sorted something that important
this close to the delivery date?
- Of course we haven't, Liz!
- [knocks on door]
Ooh, everyone's here! Guys, go sit down.
- Brian, your thing's over!
- Great.
- [Julie] Hey.
- Hey.
Paul, Julie, thank you for coming.
Why are we here?
So, I can tell you
about a little movie made in 2001,
in which
Ms. Jennifer Lopez inspired a generation
by showing us that if you're hot
and you have a heart of gold,
you can plan the best wedding ever,
even if you're short on time,
and you want to bang the fiancé.
Shout-out to Julie.
Anyway, for the next few days,
I am your motherfucking wedding planner.
- Yes!
- [chuckling] You're G.Lo.
- That's right.
- I don't… I don't get it.
I love that movie,
but why do we need a wedding planner?
Wait. You love that movie?
- [Gaby] Hey, focus, please!
- [stammers]
Because we are moving fast
on this wedding, okay?
It will take place in front of this house
because the lovely, gorgeous Liz
has kindly agreed to host.
Anything for my therapist.
I talked to you once on a bench.
I don't want credit for any of this.
Confidentiality. My bad.
Oh. Also, Paul, Julie, I know
we spoke about keeping things small,
but that shit is over. Okay?
Things grow, they get more funner.
- Um, there will be food…
- Food.
- …a dance floor…
- Dance floor.
- …string lights out of the ass.
- Ass.
Thought you'd like that, Bri.
- This isn't happening.
- [Gaby] Oh, it's happening, Paul.
And it's your fault
for letting me in, sucker!
Anyway, moving on
to the expanded guest list.
I spoke to Meg yesterday,
and she and Dave are flying in.
- [all groaning] Dave.
- [Gaby] I know.
She did say she was not super psyched
to hear about her father's engagement
from me, so I would give her a call.
Also, because we are short on time,
and because he would literally cry
if it wasn't him,
Jimmy is going to be the officiant.
Yeah!
In your fucking face!
In your face! In your face!
- I've dreamt of this.
- Down, and you're down.
[Jimmy] Okay, this is great.
Sorry, I'm cool. [chuckles]
I have the best opening joke.
I won't tell you guys,
but I'm gonna save it for the wedding.
Jesus.
Calm your ass down, Paul.
All you have to do is show up.
Like, I don't know
how I can make it easier for you.
- Okay.
- Also, Jimmy,
when gorgeous and I decide
the color scheme,
I need you to take Paul to buy a tie
and a pocket square that match.
[groans] That's two show-ups.
Actually, Paul, it's three show-ups.
You need to show up to the store,
you need to show up
to your own goddamn wedding,
and show up
with a better fucking attitude.
Come with me, Queen.
I want to talk to you about stuff.
I actually feel more comfortable with you
when there's a witness.
So you want somebody to watch?
I love that.
I just… Uh…
Great game the other day.
The crowd was so rowdy,
especially that older gentleman.
Yeah. [chuckles] That was my, um…
cranky therapist grandpa.
And that tall lady wearing all the colors,
she's my hero godmother.
And then there was Brian
who's my guncle-godfather, and Sean.
More people.
And the woman who made our goalie cry,
that's my neighbor-mother.
- Yeah.
- Well, that's great. I mean, we're…
And heads up, I can't be responsible
for what any of those people do
if you don't let me on to the team.
You're lucky to have such a big
and frighteningly loyal support group.
Yeah.
I really am.
Okay, so look.
We have the reputation
of being a defensive team.
That's why we're looking to add
more attackers like yourself.
[audio fading] So,
I'm gonna go over a few things…
Nice meeting you, coach.
You too, Alice. Sorry it didn't work out.
Hey! You're making a big mistake.
She's great.
You don't have to sell me.
She turned me down.
[sighs]
Sean, those go inside.
Oh! Thanks for meeting us here.
We're all helping to get ready
for our friend's impromptu wedding.
That's so kind. Wow, even Brian?
Yes, Stuart, you shady little bitch.
I know how to be kind,
I'm just not a whore about it.
Hi, Stuart, I'm Gaby.
Hi, I think we…
No time for chitchat. I heard you're great
at wrapping silverware with a napkin,
and putting a ribbon on it. Go.
Oh. This might be the first time
I've been attracted to a woman. [chuckles]
- Thank God, you're here.
- Oh.
No, Liz. This meeting isn't for you.
Sister, lights are for you, okay?
Actually, it might be better for everybody
if you went inside, and set up the bar.
I wanna stay outside and do the lights.
No! You wanna stay outside
and get in their business.
[chuckles] I can do both.
You cannot. You're coming with me. Come.
Listen, you've gotta figure
this Ava stuff out right now.
Your intrusive friend is not wrong.
Well, I wish you'd told us that.
I believe you have a text from me
two weeks ago that says,
"You should figure out this Ava stuff."
Maybe follow up?
Try going the extra mile. How about that?
I am currently rolling silverware
for strangers.
But not for us, Stuart.
Look, it's up to you
to define the parameters.
For example, you could create a structure
where there's regular visitation annually.
Like she's Santa?
We can't compete with that.
Okay, or monthly, like a car payment.
Less of a threat to your fragile ego.
Either way, the benefit is having
another loving adult in your child's life.
Well, that could be nice.
Yeah, if you think shit shows are nice.
Oh, boy.
I'm back. She took her eye off me.
Listen, when I had Matthew,
my maternal instinct kicked in so hard
that when the nurse came in
to give the baby a bath,
I went feral on her.
Bit her, tasted blood.
- God.
- [Stuart] Oh.
The point is, it's gonna be very hard
for Ava to let go of this baby.
And if you guys open the door
even a crack,
she's gonna be in your lives forever.
There's no right or wrong way to do it.
Stuart, are you a parent?
- No.
- Then you have too many opinions.
Heard you're the nanny.
This baby is so blessed.
I think I've been avoiding this because
I'm afraid if I say what I really want,
it's gonna sound selfish.
And that's just, like, so not me.
- I know.
- But honestly,
I'm happy to send her a picture,
and an update once a year.
But I don't want Ava involved.
This is our family.
Babe, you sound passionate about this.
I am.
We want it to be just the two of us.
The three of us.
[sighs] We have to go tell her.
- Let me know how it goes.
- Okay.
- Okay.
- [grunts]
You happy with this?
No.
Can I help you?
You got a gun?
Okay. Easy does it, Paul.
Hi, we are looking for a tie
and a pocket square in this color please.
Oh! [chuckles] I love a pocket square.
It-It's like your suit is winking
at people.
Wh-What are you guys doing here?
We have great style.
Jimmy dresses like Mr. Rogers.
Sorry, that's a direct quote from Gaby.
- Mr. Rogers?
- Mm-hmm.
- I'm blushing.
- Fred Rogers could get it.
Incidentally, my great aunt had
a lost "weekend" with Mr. Rogers.
Said it was a very good day
in the neighborhood.
[chuckles] Oh.
So the neighborhood was her vagina?
- Yes, Paul.
- It could have been her butt.
- Holy shit.
- That's more of a dark alley.
Maybe you guys could just check out
the rest of the store.
- Yeah. I'm gonna start right here.
- Yeah. We're just…
Damn it!
- I got you.
- [sighs]
Fuck Parkinson's.
[sighs]
Yeah. Fuck Parkinson's.
Hey. Uh, so when I marry you, is there
anything you want me to say in particular?
'Cause I could go on for hours.
But I know you'd hate that.
So I thought I'd keep it under,
like, ten, 20 minutes.
You got one sentence.
And try not to make it too sappy.
Well, then maybe try
not to have such a beautiful love story.
Oh, Jimmy. When you get married,
I am so gonna torture you.
[Jimmy chuckles]
I'm never getting married again.
[sighs]
Never's a long time, kid.
I already found my soul mate.
We had a beautiful daughter.
What more could I ask for?
Look, with Alice going away to college,
I've done a lot of thinking
about being alone.
I got great friends,
got a job that I love.
It's a good life.
Besides there's a certain person I know
who spent most of their life alone,
and they seemed to really enjoy it.
- Who?
- You, fucker.
[sighs] Oh. Yeah.
Hey! Not that anyone's asking… [chuckles]
…they don't have belts.
- Which is a huge blind spot.
- Uh, yeah.
They're just leaving money
on the table. Right?
Also, the salesman said they don't have
the pocket squares
- in the color that we want.
- Oh. Well. [chuckles]
But they do have them
at their other boutique.
I never go to a second boutique.
I can't believe she turned me down.
Well, she's gonna regret it.
I can text my cousin Seamus.
He will fuck her up.
I found him through 23 and Me,
and he's like a full-blown psycho.
Maybe take a beat on that.
I mean, it sucks.
But I can always go to college near here.
What are you doing? I talked to the coach.
You turned her down.
You lied to me?
No, I wasn't lying to you.
I was practicing before I lie to my dad.
Oh. Then you're 100% forgiven.
Proud of you. Proud of your lies.
[sighs] I don't get it. You wanted this.
When I talked to her, it reminded me
how much you guys show up for me.
You always do. Maybe I'm not ready
to leave this. Feeling safe.
I mean, you get it,
you still live in the backyard.
I don't live in the yard.
There's a tiny house.
- Can you please just not nark to dad?
- Alice, I don't know.
Sean, come on, my mom died.
Sorry, not doing that anymore.
Please.
[clicks tongue]
All right, fine. I won't say anything.
I hope you mean that because there is
nothing Seamus hates more than a snitch.
Except for the Royal Family.
He's supes political.
Sorry your bachelorette party was just
you trying on a dress
and then making a list of all the guys
you bonked.
- Impressive body count by the way.
- Thank you. The '70s were fun. [chuckles]
You know,
I didn't even get to tell the story
about how I went to a bachelorette party,
and the stripper was my friend's son.
It should have been really weird,
but honestly I was really into it.
- Oh.
- He gave me eye contact the whole time.
It feels like
you did get to tell that story.
I still think about that young man.
I use it, if you know what I mean.
I'm okay with my party being over.
Jimmy went home.
And your significant others whose names
I can't remember went to the belt store.
You know their names.
I truly do not.
Say their names.
Okay. Well,
where's your tie and pocket square?
- [clears throat]
- [sighs] Come on, dude.
Who cares about this?
We're at Liz's house, not the Copacabana.
This is so unnecessary.
[sighs] Paul…
No, no, no. He-He's right.
I mean, we-we can hit the courthouse,
and then just…
I don't know, all have pizza over here
or something. It'd be a lot less hassle.
Exactly. Thank you.
I'll meet you in the car.
Um… She said exactly
what I wanted her to say,
but I felt that there was something
not good underneath it.
What the heck's the matter with you?
You're mad 'cause you had
to buy a tie and hankie?
You weren't there.
Jimmy sexualized Mr. Rogers.
And the Dereks would not stop talking.
I knew you knew their names.
Mm-hmm. Look,
I know I'm knee-deep in your nuptials,
and as much as I love doing
the electric slide with white people,
do you really think that
this is all about me?
- Are you that dumb?
- Are you?
You think I'd be doing all this
if I couldn't tell Julie wanted it?
- Do you?
- Girl,
sometimes it's all right
to let me talk last.
I'm sorry. I got excited.
This is bullshit.
Julie doesn't care.
Her car is gone.
No way.
[sighs] All right. You can say it.
No fucking way!
[sighs]
She said I wasn't a good fit for the team.
She comes into our house and rejects me.
Whatever. You know what?
I'm-I'm over it. I'm over it.
Hey, screw Wesleyan.
Come here.
She's lying. Alice is the one
who said no to the coach.
Sean, you promised you wouldn't tell him!
That's 'cause I didn't think he'd be dumb
enough to actually believe you.
What college coach flies
across the country just to reject someone?
A kind, respectful one.
- I don't… What-What's going on?
- I don't want to talk about it.
She'd thought about how much she'd
miss all of us, and it freaked her out.
Could you please
go back to your pool house?
Hey, hold on!
Sean can stay. He's part of this family.
Sweet.
Hey.
[sighs] I just don't think
I'm ready to go yet.
I know I'm not ready to leave you.
Well, I understand that.
It's okay not to be ready, you know.
If you need more time,
you can just live here at home
and go to school around here.
- Thanks, Dad.
- [imitates buzzer]
That's some bullshit, Jimmy.
That bullshit is worse than her bullshit.
You know she could do this.
You just don't want her to leave.
Damn it! I just made you family.
As of now, you are out of the family.
Return to the pool house.
I cannot believe Paul was right,
and his Field thing is real.
Now I gotta wink at him all sensually.
What are you talking about?
You're both afraid to move forward,
but you know you should.
Fuck. All of us need to do that.
Should we gang up on him?
I think we should gang up on him.
I want to so badly, but he's right.
And it's very annoying.
[sighs]
Kid, you can handle going away to college.
- [sighs]
- After everything we've been through,
it'll be a breeze. [chuckles]
In a lot of ways,
you lived on your own already.
I sort of prepared you for this.
Maybe that was my plan all along.
No. Nice try though.
All these people you're afraid of leaving,
they're gonna be here…
- [door closes]
- Get the fuck out of here, Matthew!
[Derek sighs] There you are.
Sorry. Come on, bud.
We got food for you at home.
I just got yelled at
for eating the food at home.
Well, yeah. That was the wedding cake.
[Ava] Come on in. Make yourselves at home.
[chuckles]
- Please sit. [chuckles]
- Great. Yeah.
You both look so handsome.
I love the looks.
- Thank you.
- [both chuckling]
What's the occasion?
We may or may not be
going to a wedding in 45 minutes.
[chuckling]
Fingers crossed for it to either happen,
or not happen in a super dramatic way.
That's so fun.
My mom and dad never went
to stuff together.
You ever see those couples where
you can tell they shouldn't be married,
but they just stay in it forever and ever
because divorce is a sin? [chuckles]
Good. We're back to the God stuff.
Sorry. You probably didn't come by
to hear about my childhood.
- No.
- [chuckles]
So what did you want to talk about?
Um… Hmm. [chuckles]
[chuckles]
[stammers] Um…
I made it weird. [stammers]
I do that sometimes.
- I do that too. [chuckles]
- He does.
It's just, your family is so special.
And I feel lucky
to be even a small part of it.
[voice cracking] I'm really grateful
for you guys.
[chuckling] Sorry, I-I'm done
interrupting now. Your turn. [chuckles]
[clicks tongue, sighs]
So, how'd it go?
You know…
I bailed. [groans] I got one sentence in,
and asked her to spend
the rest of her life with us.
- No!
- [groans]
She said that I looked handsome!
And her family was sad,
and she said that she liked my look.
And you know I've always been
on the fence about this jacket.
She famously has bad taste as we learned
from the Winnie-the-Pooh fiasco.
I know what you're going to say.
That-That I-I-I'm weak
and I don't deserve this baby.
It's just that Ava is so…
[sighs]
…alone, you know.
[sighs]
You…
are a weak man.
I know, I know. I fucked up.
And I would have done the same thing.
Really?
It sucks that we're such good people.
I know. Right?
Not yet, problem drinkers.
Where did you come from?
Oh. What? Are you out of your
freaking mind? I said no soft cheeses.
Wh… How do you have a walkie?
Who are you talking to?
Look, there's only a 50-50 chance
our guests of honor are gonna show up.
But we are going
to have a wedding either way.
Liz, I will marry you if I have to.
Well, now I hope
that Paul and Julie don't show up.
I know. We all know.
Don't drink that one, that one's for me.
You take this little one.
You gonna dress like this?
It makes me feel like you're not into it.
Hey,
I thought
we didn't care about any of this?
I don't. I… I didn't…
But then I-I tried on that dress,
and-and it was pretty. [chuckles]
Plus, my 15-minute bachelorette party
wasn't just me talking about
all the guys I've been with.
Excuse me?
I… I told them how we met, and about
our first date at that Italian restaurant.
And that we didn't realize
it was also a karaoke bar,
and how you talk-sang
"Total Eclipse of the Heart."
And they were oohing and aahing,
and I just… [chuckles]
I just got sucked in.
And I… My God. I just…
I feel like… I just feel so stupid.
No. You're not the stupid one.
I promised myself I'd start enjoying life
to the fullest, and…
But unfortunately… [sighs]
…what I like most in life is…
being an asshole.
[chuckles] You are great at it.
Won't stop. Can't stop.
What I should have been realizing is
what we have here.
You. Me.
[chuckles]
That's worth celebrating.
I mean, we could end up
spending the next 50 years together.
What? That's it?
Well, then you'll probably die,
and I'll meet someone else.
[laughs, snorts]
I forgot something.
[clears throat]
Will you… Will you marry me…
in 15 minutes?
[chuckles]
[sighs] Yeah.
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
So shotgun wedding, huh? Julie's pregnant?
I knew I shouldn't have invited you.
My wedding gift to my dad is that
I didn't bring my husband Dave.
[sighs] You can't put a price on that.
[chuckles]
It means a lot that you came.
Of course I came.
You should get married every weekend.
I want as much time as I can get with you.
[kisses]
Keep it short, okay?
Okay. If you wanna…
We can hug and kiss too, you know?
- [Paul grunts]
- [chuckles]
I-I haven't been to a wedding
on my own in a long time.
- Yeah.
- Kinda fun.
I don't have to be a married mom here.
I might drink too much.
I might ask a stranger to dance.
I might even try some flirty banter.
You-You wanna give it a shot?
Okay.
Hey, my daddy is the groom.
What's your daddy like?
[chuckles]
It was… You know what?
It was… It was okay.
- You're gonna warm up.
- Uh-huh.
Maybe just, like, say "daddy" less.
- I'm gonna start drinking.
- Okay.
- Have fun.
- Yeah. Yes. No, I understand.
Yes, I get how it could seem
like I'm not committed.
It's the Wesleyan coach.
I fucked this all up.
Dead mom card. Last time ever.
Play it hard.
[clears throat] The thing is…
[breathes shakily]
…I got in my head about leaving because
my mom died not that long ago.
[mouthing words] More, more, more.
Yeah, yeah. I've been a bit of a mess
since we lost Mama.
Mama?
That is so kind of you.
Oh, you will not regret this.
Thank you so much.
I can't wait. Thank you.
- I'm going to Wesleyan! [squeals]
- [glass clinks]
Okay! We're about
to get this thing rolling.
So, please take your seats.
You like awesome speeches?
["Every Morning" playing]
[stammers] Well, let's get going.
Are you gonna sit down?
I'm giving you away.
Your dad never showed up.
[chuckles] I've always been glad
that he was dead,
but now I'm even more glad. [sighs]
["Wedding March" playing]
- [grunting]
- What are you doing?
Nothing. It's just a bug.
- Oh, that's perfect.
- [sighs]
- [grunts]
- Get in there. Get in there.
- [chuckles]
- [kisses] Love you.
[Jimmy] Could all please be seated.
I would be remiss if I did not take
a moment to recognize that right now,
all around this great country of ours,
- melons are forced…
- Melons?
…to have gigantic weddings surrounded
by friends and family.
- They cantaloupe.
- [groaning, laughing]
- [Derrick] Wow.
- Oh, my God.
You let that man inside you.
Yeah, I'm not proud of it.
I'm right here, guys.
I do wanna thank everybody for coming,
of course, and now…
Nope. You had your melon joke
which we all felt violated by.
Yes.
That's your one sentence.
No, Paul.
That was a greeting not a sentence.
Let the man have his sentence!
- [clamoring]
- He needs it. He needs it.
Dad, don't be a dick.
[Sean] Give him a phrase.
- Let him talk!
- I'm not scared of any of you.
- Okay, okay. You know what? Listen to me.
- This is… No.
Just do it for me, big guy, okay?
Fine.
- Go.
- Okay.
We are here today
to celebrate Paul and Julie,
who are living examples that love can
be found in the most unlikely of times.
And in the most unlikely of places.
Comma.
Which in their case,
was a cold and sterile doctors' office
where they first locked eyes
over Julie's stethoscope.
Comma. And despite many obstacles,
- including the medical code of ethics…
- [crowd laughs]
…they forged a connection so deep,
and so strong,
that they managed to tear down the walls
of a certain fortress of solitude
once and for all.
Semicolon.
So, Paul and Julie,
thank you so much for sharing this moment,
and your love with all of us.
Because every single one of us
is so lucky to get to love you back.
Period.
Suck it. Exclamation point.
[laughing]
[exhales deeply]
[stammers] And now…
Oh, right. I forgot, I'm sorry.
And now by the power vested in me
by the State of California,
I now pronounce you…
Whoa. You're just gonna do it?
Whoa. Okay. You're married.
You can just go ahead,
and kiss her real deep like that.
- [Gaby] Yeah!
- [guests cheering]
[guest] Yeah. Oh.
[cheers]
- Yeah.
- [guest] Bravo.
["I'll Take You There"
by The Staple Singers playing]
Hey, big guy. I owe you something.
[chuckles] Told you.
So you're telling me I have a year
to kiss anyone I want?
I am so not telling you that.
I am telling you that.
[laughs]
I know who I'm picking.
- Aw.
- [laughs] Fuck that.
If I was allowed to cheat I would
obviously choose Pedro Pascal…
- Also my spouse.
- Mm-hmm.
[Derek laughs]
- [chuckles] This is amazing, babe.
- Really?
Yeah, I can't believe you pulled it off.
I love you.
Oh, my God. You did it.
You said it normal.
- Wow. That's cool.
- Yeah.
Oh. Well, now I miss the weird one.
Oh, I can make it weird.
I can do impressions. I could do Sméagol.
Do that one.
[imitates Sméagol]
I love you, my precious.
[laughs]
You could have that too, you know.
I already did, Paul.
I was lucky enough
to have it for, uh, almost 20 years.
So…
I'm not certain I'm ever gonna top that.
[chuckles]
The dead wife card.
I'm guessing you are the one
who told Alice to stop using it.
Scary, isn't it?
To think about putting yourself out there.
Do me a favor, will you.
[sighs] Don't be like me.
Don't wait as long as I did.
Hey, Daddy.
- Wow.
- You wanna dance?
I think it's still too much "daddy."
Okay, Daddy. Come on, Daddy.
[chuckles]
[sighs] What the fuck?
[breathing heavily]
[water running]
Gerry, what are you doing here?
Hey, don't get too excited.
I just love cake.
- Hey, stud. [chuckles]
- Hi.
[chuckles] So who are you talking to?
- Gerry.
- Who?
Gerry.
Oh.
[chuckles] You don't see him, do you?
[sighs]
Woof.
Yeah.