The Cleaner (2021) s03e01 Episode Script

1
This programme contains
some strong language.
What's this for? Huh?
This trophy? What's it for?
100m.
You can't run.
Yeah. And you're like
a whippet, aren't you?
You haven't even got legs.
You just strap shoes
to your torso stumps.
There's a bloody
football award here!
You've got a foot
like a 50p piece.
Oh, have I?
What is this?
Whoa! Don't.
Because that is a work of art.
Yeah, but what is it?
It's a key ring holder.
I made it in Year 10.
Were you recovering from
a car accident at the time?
I don't even know
which way up it goes.
Do you not? Well, I'll show
you which way up it goes.
It goes that way up.
You can pop your
keys to my flat on it
on your way out, if you like.
If you can reach.
Oh, you knob.
Oh, you're the knob.
And I'll see you later.
See you.
Love you!
That is too much house.
Bloody hell!
Hello.
Hello there.
Are your parents about?
My dad's here somewhere.
Oh, right. I'm the
crime scene cleaner.
We don't just do murders.
We do accidents as well.
We DO do murders, though.
I'm so pleased you're here.
I'm designing a get well soon card
for the removal man who got hurt
when the piano fell on him.
Who made you do that, your dad?
Accidents happen,
right? Get over it.
They think he might lose a hand.
No, that that is bad.
He does need hands.
WOLF WHISTLES
What a beast!
Yeah.
It's nice, isn't it?
Are you here to clean
up the, um You know.
Yep.
A working man called in by a
rich man to clean up the blood
of a working man.
It was ever thus, my friend.
It was ever thus.
That's a terrible accident.
Oh, yeah.
Some rich guy had to
have a piano moved upstairs
in his mansion accidentally.
And where is he now?
On the golf course.
And where's his son?
Bunking off.
Safe in the knowledge
he'll inherit all this.
Well, it is half-term.
Mm. Yeah.
How long you worked here?
Got you washing cars
and baby-sitting, have they?
Minimum wage?
Jackpot.
Ah!
Um Sorry.
You seem to be a
little bit confused.
Err
This is my house, and,
um, Danny's my son.
He's on half-term.
Ahh
Ah, yeah. Sorry.
My girlfriend was taking the
mickey out of me this morning.
She unsettled me.
Oh, my God!
What?! Wicky.
Paul Wickstead!
Justin!
What is it? 30 years?
40! Yeah, 40.
That's incredible, huh?!
Hang on a minute.
This is your gaff?
Yeah.
Well, come on, I'll
give you the tour.
Yeah!
So we just moved in.
This is the kitchen-diner.
- Sorry it's such a mess.
- LAUGHS
Reception room.
Another reception room.
Don't really know
what to do with this one.
I'd probably put one of
those football tables in it.
Games room/bar.
Yeah!
The nook.
The nook!
And, yeah, another bedroom.
God, how many is that now?
Eight.
It's eight. Right.
It's eight. Yeah.
Yeah!
And of course, err
Yeah. The swimming pool.
Yeah.
OK.
Yeah
Yeah, I really loved London.
But, you know, it just gets
to that stage in life, doesn't it,
where you just
want to come home?
I remember your house, mate.
This isn't, "coming home."
Yeah, it is a little
bit more spacious
than the ones on Station Road.
But Where are
you living now?
Station Road.
Oh, yeah.
That's, err Lovely houses.
I'm in a flat.
Yes.
That's lovely.
How did you get all this?
Do you know what?
I just got lucky.
You know, I made some
investments in the early '90s
and it just kind of
blew up from there.
Yeah.
Can I have a Sprite?
Oh, I haven't got any in, love.
But tell you what.
You go down the shops,
I'll give you some money.
Lucky boy.
I used to have to do
chores for my pocket money.
Me, too.
Yeah, Danny works for Age
Concern in his spare time.
I pay him for the time it takes.
Ah. Tax splashback?
Mm No.
Well done.
It's awful that older
people live alone.
I sometimes have tea with them.
Oh, well, don't feed
them any of your Sprite.
It'll puff their bladders
up like a frog's throat.
Go on.
He's a lovely boy.
Oh, he is. Weirdly so.
Yeah.
Now, listen, mate, I would love
to spend the morning catching up,
but I've actually got a
photographer coming over to do
quite an embarrassing, "local boy
made good" piece in the paper later.
So, um
So you'd like the worker
to get on. I understand.
"Yes, understood, mate.
"Begging your pardon,
sir. I'll crack on."
No, no, no, I was going to say, I
could help you and we could keep
on chatting and we'd
get it done twice as quick.
Oh, yeah, that'd be great.
Cool!
Must be strange
cleaning up blood all day.
Ah, I like it.
Feels like you're making
a difference, you know,
helping people to
forget bad things.
That's lovely.
I suppose I just
like giving back.
That is so important.
That's exactly why we set up the
charitable wing of the company.
Yeah. That balcony's
knackered, you know.
You won't be able to have
your photo love-in up there.
Oh, God, I know.
I've been trying to find a
carpenter to fix it, but I just
I just don't know
where to start.
Dicky Daw!
Do you remember him from
school? He's a carpenter.
He drinks down
the Horse with me.
Yes!
Dicky! Do you think
he'd have time?
Are you joking? He hasn't
worked since lockdown.
He's a total loser.
You'd be doing him a favour.
He was such a good lad.
Yeah, well, manage
your expectations.
He's not taken it easy on
the beers over the years
..or the pies.
And he's divorced.
I'll give him a ring.
I'll pay him double time.
No need for that, mate.
He'll be grateful for
the work, trust me.
I've just got to call
the wife, OK? Yeah.
Dicky, it's me.
Listen, you're not
going to believe this.
I'm down at Justin
Chapple's new gaff.
And somehow he's loaded now.
Listen, he's got a job for you.
Get your tools. Come down.
Do your best to
look pleased for him.
Well, come down first and
see if you are pleased for him
before you say you're
going to be pleased for him.
Dicky, just get your
tools and come down!
Hey, Dicky!
Hey! Hey, Dicky!
How are you?
This place is mental, mate.
I knew you'd be the one.
I knew you'd crack it.
Yeah. Some people get
all the luck, don't they?
Well, it's nothing
to do with luck.
He always had
the gift, this one.
So proud of you, lad.
Ahh You look
exactly the same.
What? In a Hall
of Mirrors, maybe.
Hey, I've given Marnie a ring.
She's going to come
down and say hello.
Marnie Price?
I would love to see her!
Is she still ?
Singing? Yeah. For a living now.
Oh, I am so pleased.
She had such a wonderful voice.
Oh, she's singing, is she?
Last I heard, she was working
down Ladbrokes, lads, come on.
Hey. I nearly got the
whole gang back together.
What are we doing, then?
Oh, well, it's just
the banister upstairs.
Look, I'm so pleased
you can do this.
I'm willing to pay.
Mate's rates for you, Justin.
Let's have a
look. I'll show you.
Hey, hey, hey. Just with the
job, lower your expectations a bit.
He's been on the
pop for a few years.
I'm sure it's going to be great.
He was always the
practical one of the gang.
Hey, you remember that key
holder he made in woodwork?
That was a work
of bloody art, mate.
He had extra time,
though, didn't he?
Because of his dyslexia. Yeah.
Hello. All right?
Me and your dad used to
do big burp competitions
after drinking them, you know?
Before he was a big,
fancy businessman.
Oh, we still do big
burp contests now.
HORN BEEPS
Someone else is here.
Such a wicked day!
You and I could have a big
burp contest later, if you like.
Yeah, whatever.
Wicky!
Bloody hell, Marn, you
having a breakdown?
Eh?
What the hell's all this?
Oh, I'm a P? nk impersonator.
You're a P! nk impersonator?
No. P? nk.
What?
P? nk.
Oh, I'm not allowed to
use her exclamation mark
because of copyright.
So I'm not P! nk.
I'm P? nk.
All right. OK.
Come on.
The others have got to see this.
I'll pop back
tomorrow with a lathe
and run off some new
spindles for you. No bother.
You know wood so well.
He's a wood wizard!
Yeah, never mind that.
Wait till you see
the state of this.
You're going to piss yourselves!
Wow, this is amazing!
What a house!
Oh, I love this. It's
like an installation.
Dicky! Marnie!
Oh, Jus! Ohh
You look awesome!
Oh! What is going on today?
Can you believe this place?
You cracked it.
The boy cracked it.
I knew you would. We
always said he would.
We did, did we? We did?
Oh, where's your loo?
Or is it too posh for
me to have a piss in?
No. It's fine. It's
just through there.
Oh, so great to see you, Marnie.
Oh, she looks amazing.
She looks insane.
And she's doing well.
She plays all the cruises.
Oh, right. It's not
Wembley, is it?
And get this
She calls herself P? nk.
Yeah, well, I mean, that's probably
just the exclamation mark, isn't it?
Copyright, isn't it?
Copyright. Yeah, exactly.
I knew she'd get there.
Such a beautiful voice.
Voice of an angel.
Has she got there?
Where's she got, lads?
She's living the dream.
She's a P! nk
impersonator on a boat.
Ah! P? nk.
Yeah, whatever.
P? nk!
Ever wonder
about what he's doing?
How it all turned to lies
Sometimes I think that
it's better to never ask why
But just because it burns
doesn't mean you're gonna die
You've gotta get
up and try, try, try ♪
Incredible.
It was so beautiful.
Oh, for fuck's sake!
Guys, we've got to
celebrate this reunion.
I've got some
champagne in the kitchen.
Bloody hell! Champagne?
Let's go! Yeah. Yeah.
Champagne!
Woohoo!
I don't even like champagne.
What's Gavin doing?
Well, last I heard,
he was in prison.
Big shock, eh?
Signs were there, I guess.
I mean, he was always
outside the head's office.
Gavin Hardy? He got done
for embezzlement, mate,
not nicking from
the bloody tuckshop.
Well, it just shows you people
never really change, do they?
Some people change.
Quite a lot, actually.
Well, you haven't.
What? Yeah, we all
knew how you'd turn out.
Do you know, I was
always jealous of you.
You were always happy
with the little things.
As long as you'd got
a pizza at break time,
that was all you needed.
He's like that with beer now.
Yeah, well, I never
got a break, did I?
Cos some people got all the luck
and gobbled it down like a luck pie.
How did you make
your money, Just?
Well, Wicky's not far
off the mark, actually.
Um, I did get lucky,
but, um, it's actually mad.
It involves you
guys and a crime.
Do you remember that
record shop we used to go to?
Old Tom's Rare
Grooves. He's still there.
He is.
Do you remember, we used to
distract him and then nick the albums?
Yeah. Half my record collection
got nicked from that shop.
Once I nicked a Bowie album
from under his limited edition counter.
And then years later,
I found it in the loft.
Blow me if it wasn't
worth 30 grand.
No way. What?! Yes, yes.
I mean, that's all the
capital we needed to start,
and it just sort of
blew up from there.
It's insane, isn't it? Insane.
Oh, my God.
What?
I stole that album.
Hey?
I did. I stole it.
Bloody Ziggy Stardust.
I knew it. I knew
you'd stolen all the luck.
Nah, I think
you'll find I stole it.
No, I did, Justin, I stole
it, and now you're loaded.
Oh, this stings.
This stings real bad.
Well, he invested it wisely.
You'd have just bought
a load of cans of lager.
No, this is a scandal.
This is our Watergate.
And where's Nixon?
Has he resigned?
No. He's bought
himself a mansion
and everyone is kissing
Richard Nixon's ass.
What does he mean, Dad?
Oh, well, um, he thinks he stole
a Bowie album when he was 12,
and he's cross because
I'm correcting him
because I stole it.
Why are you cross about that?
You're like 60. Oh!
- LAUGHTER -
I'm 55, you little rat.
Whoa! All right, all right.
Well
- BUZZING - Oh! Simey!
Oh! Simey?
Yeah. Simon Stevens, the
Robert Redford of the gang.
Marnie looked him
up on the socials.
Come on.
Well, this is bloody outrageous.
Mate.
What's wrong with you?
Why can't you all see
what's happening here?
The guy got loaded
off my actions.
You seem like you're sulking
because a mate has done well.
It's not like you, Wicky.
It's not fair, is it?
Life isn't fair.
Well, come on, let's
go and see Simey.
Oh, yeah. Cos that's
what we all need, isn't it?
The coolest kid in
school coming in.
I mean, why don't I just pull
my trousers and pants down
in front of you all?
Come on, let's go and see Simey.
He was so cool.
He's probably on a
horse or something.
I've just opened
the gate for Simey.
He'll probably ride in
on a horse or something.
That's what I just said!
Oh, he'll definitely
be on horseback.
DICKY LAUGHS
Hello, gang.
Simey.
It looks like you've been
through the wars there, mate.
I've had a bad few years.
Emphysema.
I'm so sorry.
Oh, Simey.
You really have
been struggling, mate.
Life can be hard. I think
I think we all see that now.
Honestly, it's been
the making of me.
Fuckin' 'ell.
I used to be so vain,
prioritising the wrong things.
Since the diagnosis,
I've really started to live.
And I paint now, and
they're selling too.
Oh, my God.
Simey, it's brilliant.
It's so moving.
Are you shitting me?
You've found yourself, lad.
You've found the
real you. Thanks.
Guys, I've just had
the most mad idea.
The photographer's not
getting here for another hour.
Why don't we go into town,
get some chips at Mick's Place,
like old times? Yeah!
My shout, obviously.
God knows he's got the money!
THEY LAUGH
Wicky?
No. No, thanks.
I've got a job to do.
I don't need your chip charity.
Come on, Wicky,
you're nearly finished.
Yeah. Come on, you misery guts.
It's only a bit of
mopping up anyway.
I'll do it for you later.
Even I can mop up.
And he's on a mobility scooter!
THEY LAUGH
HE COUGHS
Danny! Come on.
We're getting chips. Wicked!
Yeah. Come on, little man.
Come on, let's
go get some chips!
Yay!
MOBILITY SCOOTER BEEPS
Let's go.
Change by The Lightning Seeds
The world is full of fools
Who never get it right
You don't know what to do
So you do anything you like
Put your foot down and drive
Oh, you're a silly thing
Put your foot down and drive
You're such a pretty thing
Put your foot
down and drive ♪
Oh, my God!
It's still there.
How can that still be
there after 40 years?
Hey, when I build
something, it lasts.
It really does, mate.
Look at that craftsmanship.
He was always
about quality, that lad.
Go on, Danny! Go on.
Remember how high
Simey used to get?
You did, Simey. I always used
to think you were going to take off.
I don't think it'd take the
weight of the scooter nowadays.
THEY LAUGH
Yeah, I used to get
well high as well, didn't I?
Which is mad because I'm
already high enough, aren't I?
Being so tall and that.
God
Wicky, you never
went on it once.
What? I did. I used to get
well high. Higher than him.
You didn't mate. You didn't.
It's good to be cautious.
Pussy.
THEY LAUGH
Come on, Danny.
Best day ever!
You remember when you got
picked for the football team?
Yeah. That was
good, though, wasn't it?
Yeah. That was good.
Is that him?
It can't be the same bloke.
It's him. It's old Tom of
Old Tom's Rare Grooves.
Bloody hell. It is.
He must be 200!
The shop that started
the empire, right?
You're not going to grass
me up, are you, Simey?
THEY LAUGH
WICKY LAUGHS SARCASTICALLY
For what? For not
stealing a record.
Oh, don't start this again.
Come on, Wicky. You
were never going to nick it.
What? Why?
Well, you always, you
know, you played it safe.
I-I
I played it safe?
Mm. Are you joking?
Then why did they call me
Risky Business at school?
No-one called you
Risky Business at school.
You tried to get us to
call you Risky Business.
Yeah, but you
always played it safe.
That's why you ended up
Nothing wrong with that.
I mean, this whole country
is built on working folk.
Good, honest
Unskilled labourers.
One of the country's heroes.
Along with the binmen.
There's no shame in a
total lack of ambition, Wicky.
Viva, the workforce!
THEY LAUGH
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Right, you with me.
Me? Yeah. Come on.
I need you to distract Old Tom.
Oh, come on, Wicky,
you can't do that. Why not?
I've done it before, and it would
appear that I need to make a point.
Danny. Dad, it feels wrong.
Did you just say, "It
feels wrong?" The irony.
Alanis Morissette would be
physically sick if she heard you say
that, young man. Who?
I'll tell you what's wrong.
Him building an empire
off of my light fingers.
Let's go.
Go with him, son. There
won't be any crime today.
I just need someone
to keep an eye on him.
Don't do this, Wicky!
You shut your trap, son!
Get your oxygen mask on!
We're off on a high-octane ride.
Danny!
Woo!
OLD TOM COUGHS
Right, listen up.
The old man's deaf as a post,
but his eyesight is that of a hawk.
You distract him with the
Madness poster, I'll get the record.
I don't think it's right to
steal from an old man.
I'll tell you what's
not right, son.
A six-foot-eight man
roundhousing a child.
But there's a good
chance it's going to happen.
I'll do it. But not because
you threatened me.
Because I think
you're feeling sad.
And I want to help
you feel happy.
Right, I don't know
what's wrong with you, son,
but I'll tell you this.
You go through life being
thoughtful all the time,
you're going to
make a lot of enemies.
Can I help you two young lads?
Could I have a look at that
Madness poster behind you, please?
Certainly, young man.
You're very young to be
into Madness, young man.
What's your favourite song?
Baggy Trousers?
House Of Fun?
Oh, I don't know Madness, sir.
I'm just distracting you
so my father's friend
can steal a record.
WICKY GASPS
Et tu, Danny?
You didn't say to lie.
Lying isn't healthy.
Seriously, son,
what's wrong with you?
Put that record back.
Eat it, Grandad!
Danny, run!
I think he's sad because
his life didn't go very well.
My dad will pay for
the record. Don't worry.
There'll be no need
of that, young man.
Who's playing it safe now?!
Risky Business is back, baby!
Oi!
In The City by The Jam
In the city there's a thousand
things I wanna say to you
But whenever I approach
you, you make me look a fool
I wanna say
I wanna tell you
About the young ideas
But you turn them into fears
In the city there's a
thousand faces all shining bright
And those golden
faces are under 25
They wanna say
They gonna tell ya
About the young idea
You better listen now,
you've said your bit-a. ♪
So I've heard
vinyl's back, is it?
One for me.
And one for you.
We'll take over from here.
All right. You got my record?
Yeah.
What is wrong with you? Sorry.
Stealing a bloody record.
I just wanted to prove
that I don't play it safe.
Well, you're lucky he's not
pressing charges. Is he not?
No. No, he said,
they're just kids.
Wicky
Justin has asked us all to
be in a photo for the paper.
Are you coming? The
old gang back together.
Am I ?
He'd love to.
Hiya.
Hi.
I'm P? nk.
P? nk. That's right.
Oh, copyright, is
it? Yeah. Oh, yeah.
WICKY SCOFFS
Where's Justin gone?
We're ready here.
Counting his bloody
money, probably.
I'll go and look for him.
I was going to offer to
be his butler anyway.
THEY LAUGH
I'm sorry, I just don't understand
why he couldn't stay another night.
I'm sorry, but it's my week.
Justin, you know this.
But surely he can
stay for the photograph.
We've got to get the last train.
Don't make it harder
than it needs to be.
I'll see you next week, Dad.
Claire, I just
All I'm I know.
OK.
All right.
I am I am
getting through this.
I am, I promise you. I just I just
miss us being together, that's all.
HE SIGHS
See you soon, little man.
Sorry.
Yeah. Yeah, it was
Tizer. Bloody hell.
I remember it just tasted
horrible. And I'd get free chips.
All right, Jeff Bezos?
Yeah, as all right as
any of us are, Paul.
They're right, you know. I wouldn't
have done what you've done.
I would have wasted the money.
Maybe.
But then I never would have
had the guts to steal that record.
Come on, you get in the middle.
We'll have rich boy in
the middle, won't we?
THEY CHEER
THEY CHATTER ANIMATEDLY
Cheese!