Clarkson's Farm (2021) s03e02 Episode Script

1
[soft music]
[bird shrieking]
[Jeremy] Gerald had been
diagnosed with prostate cancer.
Something that Kaleb and I discussed
while trying to do
what our absent friend normally does.
Bollocks.
No.
No.
[Jeremy] It's bloody complicated.
[Kaleb] Yeah.
[Jeremy] I've been phoning round
doctors and things I know.
[Kaleb] Yeah?
[Jeremy] And his odds are really good.
- But it's scaring him to death.
- [Kaleb] Yeah.
[Kaleb] He doesn't understand.
No, I know he doesn't understand.
And he's bewildered.
Because, for obvious reasons,
somebody said: "Sorry, it's cancer."
- That's all he heard.
- Yeah.
[Jeremy] He's desperately upset.
Terrified, poor man.
No.
[Kaleb] He's a strong man.
He's worked the land all of his life.
He's not unfit, is he?
He can do a day's work at
- What age is he?
- 74.
He's amazing.
[sighs]
[theme music playing]
[upbeat music]
[Jeremy] We were now heading
into late autumn.
And on Kaleb's side of the farm,
in one of the arable fields,
things were not going well.
So, Jeremy and Charlie said
it was too late to plant oilseed rape.
I took the decision, as farm manager now,
to plant it myself.
And unfortunately, it's failed.
[sighs]
Fucking annoying.
[Jeremy] And when Kaleb
came over to see me,
he became even more annoyed.
Who the fuck is that?
It's interesting you should ask that,
because it's actually
half of Groove Armada.
Who?
Half of He was in Groove Armada.
I don't know what that is.
Why is he drilling my field?
[Jeremy] Er
[Jeremy] The thing is that fellow
Doncaster-boy Andy Cato
no longer does this for a living.
["If Everybody Looked the Same"
by Groove Armada]
Like me, he's now moved into farming.
And a couple of weeks earlier,
he and his business partner, George Lamb,
had dropped round
to talk about their big idea.
- I know it's called regenerative farming.
- Yeah.
But I'd really like
to understand what it is.
Our current farming system
declares war on natural systems.
And tt's got us in a bit of a fix.
Our soils have been pounded and poisoned
to a point where they're within
a few decades of giving up.
We've lost 80% of our insects,
so we can't keep doing that.
Regenerative farming is a way of farming
which tries to copy natural systems.
- But it's not organic?
- [Andy] No.
In organic, the main thing
is about not using any chemicals.
Where we're different is we're about
assessing each bit of farmland
and trying to figure out what it needs.
So if we took the plant
and we took a reading from it,
and it told us
that you were missing boron,
or magnesium or something specific,
we can feed according to need,
rather than going and just dumping
thousands of kilos onto the field.
[Jeremy] That's what we do.
We filled a sprayer up
with gallons and gallons of chemicals
and just go out and do every field.
[Jeremy] Andy then explained
that the goal with regenerative farming
was to copy the way nature
likes to mix things up.
One thing you'll never find in the woods
or along a hedgerow
or any natural system,
is one type of plant.
Nature never allows one type of plant
to grow in a big area.
If you look in a drought year
like this year,
all the bits that stood up to it
are the hedgerows, the woodlands
and the bits that we haven't touched.
The bits that have stayed green?
Yeah. And the thing is,
as the hedgerow or the woodland
or the meadowland prove,
when that's working,
you don't need to put anything on it.
Nature's got it sorted.
So what we've got
to get away from is monocultures.
[dramatic clang]
You're suggesting
planting wheat and something else
- in the same field at the same time?
- [Andy] Yeah.
So the idea of wheat and beans
is a good starting point.
- In the same field?
- [Andy] Yes.
Two things are happening there.
One is that the nitrogen
from the atmosphere,
of which there's an infinite abundance
80% of it, isn't it?
The beans are taking that down
and putting it in the soil,
- to replace fertiliser inputs.
- The beans are?
- The beans are.
- They're great nitrogen fixers.
[Andy] And so, by putting
two plant families in the same field,
we're starting that process
of feeding the soil microbes,
which we need to help recover
with a diversity of plants.
Your yields are going to be way down.
You're not going to grow as many beans
as if you just had a bean field
or as much wheat, surely?
Here's the thing.
The overall output will be higher.
- [Jeremy] Really?
- [Andy] Yeah.
[Charlie] I know what you mean.
- Net-margin-wise, at the bottom line.
- [George] Yes.
Overall you might do less yield
in actual weight with us.
But if you take
all those input costs out,
for example, the chemical prices
are going up and up and up -
our margin is higher.
Plus, you're also building health
into your soil
so you can farm indefinitely.
If you carry on using the same
extractive system based on chemicals,
the likelihood is in a couple
of generations' time,
you won't be able to produce food
on your farm.
So if we started to think
not in terms of yield,
like the weight we get out of a field,
but in how much money
We only ever talk about
"We got so many tonnes per acre."
If we start to talk about
how many pounds per acre
Yeah.
[Jeremy] I like the sound of this.
Yeah, because you're not having
to give Mr CF Industries
£1,000 for your fertiliser.
Exactly.
[Jeremy] Then came
the really enticing bit.
Andy and George would guarantee
to buy any crops
we grew using their method
for a premium price.
You buy it?
- [Andy] We buy it off you at a premium.
- That's even better.
You buy for more than I would get
from an ordinary grain merchant?
Yeah. For sure.
Who do you sell it to?
We're at about 250 regular customers,
and that spreads
from small artisan bakeries
to Marks & Spencers.
- Marks & Spencers?
- Marks & Spencers?
[George] Marks & Spencers.
So your flour that you sell us
can be going into M&S.
[dramatic clang]
[Jeremy] Charlie and I were sold.
So I'd handed over
one of the fields to Andy
[upbeat music]
To see if his new soil-friendly system
would work.
And now, I just had to hope
that Kaleb wouldn't mind.
That's pissing me off
seeing him in there.
You don't know what he's drilling yet,
wheat and beans.
I see a bean bag.
Yeah, he's got wheat and beans
in his hopper.
[Kaleb] It's my field, though.
I've drilled this field
for the last 6 years now.
You won't have to this year
because he's doing it.
He's putting it in with a disc drill.
- That's not gonna work.
- Why not?
Look out there. What do you see?
- Mud.
- No. The other thing with the mud.
- Stones.
- Yes.
Do you know how a disc drill works?
We've got a tine drill for that reason.
It moves the stone out the way
then plants the seed.
- Yeah.
- Yes?
You put a disc drill through that,
that'll go over the stone
and plant the seed on top of the stone.
- Will it?
- Yes.
[Jeremy] Hmm
He's probably on Boy's Land.
This is Man's Land.
[Jeremy] I then put on
my "Boutros Boutros" hat,
because it was time
for the two of them to meet.
Be nice. Don't be petulant like a child.
Andy, Kaleb.
- [Andy] How you doing?
- Kaleb, Andy.
- He's thrilled.
- Nice to meet you.
- He's thrilled.
- Looking pretty thrilled, yeah.
- [Jeremy] No. Oh, here's somebody else.
- [Charlie] Hi.
- [Jeremy] Been planting with a trowel?
- [Kaleb] Scratching like a chicken.
Yeah.
The first thing he says is you're using
a disc drill,
which won't work in that field.
- Yeah?
- [Kaleb] There's a lot of stone.
There are?
- Do you think it'll work?
- [Andy] I'm with you with the stones.
This drill is set up
to sow two things at the same time
and put a bit of probiotic liquid
down with the seed.
If we get through the stones,
we can get the job done.
What's the liquid for? Fertiliser?
No, it's like, er
We're gonna try
and bring the soil back to life.
- And get all the things
- It is alive.
If I farm that bit there
and you rip this bit up and put your
whatever you're doing, in here,
you'll get a better yield?
No, no, no.
Okay. Would you make more money
than I would?
Well, let's go back a step,
because if
- You're tall as the sun.
- [Andy] What's that? [laughs]
- [Andy] If
- My neck.
Do you want me
to come down the downslope?
[Kaleb] Yeah, if that's all right.
- Yeah, better.
- That's better!
[Kaleb] What are you planting? Wheat?
- [Andy] And beans.
- How do you harvest it
and not lose anything out the back?
You set it so you're not
losing anything out the back.
- It'll go through a grain cleaner.
- Which costs more money.
You don't have to take care of that
because part of the deal is
that we'll just take the wheat and beans
together and we'll sort it all out.
- They do that.
- Do we sell it to you then?
[Andy and Jeremy] Yeah.
- [Jeremy] And they pay a premium.
- [Kaleb] Fine.
[Kaleb] Next question, then.
Was you in a band?
- I was.
- [Kaleb] I can tell.
Because?
Because you've left your tractor running
at a pound a litre.
[all laughing]
[upbeat music]
[Jeremy] It was now late November.
And I had my head buried
in my latest homework.
[Jeremy] Yorkshire pig.
[in Yorkshire accent]
Who are you looking at?
[Jeremy] Because despite
Charlie's protests, I'd bought some pigs
and their arrival was only days away.
[Jeremy] Corrugated iron.
[Jeremy] As a result,
I had to get
three big pens built in the potato field.
This would be a lot of work
and I really needed some expert help.
Kaleb is ill.
- [Lisa] Okay.
- [Jeremy sighs]
First rule, you would have thought with
farming, you go to work. The end.
There is a really bad cold going around.
- Yeah, but it's a cold!
- It's horrible.
Foetuses. Honestly.
Could you grab the telehandler?
Since it's an emergency.
[rock music]
[Jeremy] Look at this!
This is the Diddly Squat
Heavy Machinery Unit
swinging into action here.
[rock music continues]
[Jeremy] Whoa.
[wind howling]
Bloody hell.
Wind!
[laughing]
[sighing]
No! I've got my own sail!
[sighing]
[loud thud]
- [Jeremy] You know what pigs I'm getting?
- [Lisa] No.
[Jeremy] They're called
Shandy and Blacks.
- Ooh!
- And they are from
- See the forest over there?
- Yeah?
That's where they're from.
Forest of Wychwood.
- You are kidding?
- No.
- [Jeremy] A few years ago
- Uh-huh?
[Jeremy] There was only one
man pig left.
- [Lisa] Boar?
- Yeah. One left in the whole world.
- [Lisa] No way?
- And it was rescued by a farm in Dean.
They're bringing it back.
So I've decided to get Shandy and Blacks.
It sounds like a sort of thing
a northern woman would drink in a pub.
- [Lisa] 83 m?
- There.
- [Jeremy] This is the other corner.
- Here we go.
Look, a farmer! At work!
Possibly with a light cold, mild flu,
but able to go to work.
[Jeremy] Having measured out the pens,
our next job was to install the fences
using a post knocker
I'd nicked from Kaleb's yard.
Right.
- What we need to do is get that pin
- [Lisa] In the middle.
- [Jeremy] Into there.
- Okay.
[mechanism grinding]
Oh, wow!
- Are we happy?
- Yep.
Oh nice.
Can you imagine putting
someone's head there? 'Oomph! Gone.
- "Gangs of London."
- This would be a great one.
- We should do "Gangs of Chipping Norton"!
- [laughs]
Put people's heads on this!
- [Lisa] Shall I put these every 3 metres?
- [Jeremy] Yeah.
[thud]
[Jeremy] It really is raining now
and officially night.
- [Jeremy] I've done the maths.
- Yep.
And we're gonna have
to put in 75 fence posts
before we start putting
the actual fencing up.
[Lisa moans]
[Jeremy] We're not quick,
but it is our first day.
- [Lisa] Yep.
- And we can be proud of ourselves.
[upbeat music]
[Jeremy] Right, we've gotta thread this
through here. Yeah.
[music continues]
[Lisa] Ooh, that was juicy.
[Jeremy] Right, now, here we go.
When I drive forwards,
it's going to tension it.
[creaking]
[Lisa] No, no, no, no, no, no!
Jeremy? Whoa, whoa!
You've pulled it over.
[Jeremy] What? Pulled what?
[Lisa] I was screaming at you
and you can't hear.
- What have I pulled over?
- You pulled the last post over.
Eejit.
Fucking ripped the whole thing up.
[Lisa] You're meant to be looking at me.
- We could have used the phone.
- We can all blame each other.
No, it's not that.
I was trying to make sure that
the thing wasn't wobbling at the front.
"Blame each other"?
We're gonna have to put the post
How are we gonna
Wait. This is more of a problem.
No, stop just for a second.
The corner post has to go there
to be in line with that
- and in line with this.
- Uh-huh.
And we've loosened the ground up,
haven't we?
We hav "We" have?
Yeah, "we" have.
[Jeremy] When the fences were all up,
we quickly discovered
we'd given ourselves a problem.
[Lisa] Hang on. Let's think about this.
If you open that one
Yep.
Right. So we have to open this one first.
Or we have to take this one off. Do we?
Well, if we open this one first
- No, it's
- We fucked up.
- I know we did. It should've been
- So take that off.
Yes. Exactly.
[Jeremy] Despite the setbacks, though,
we managed without Kaleb or Charlie
to finish the pens.
And then,
we had to start work on the pig houses,
which came with my least favourite thing:
an instruction manual.
From this to this in 30?
Fuck off! 30 minutes my arse. Look!
- That goes on there like that, yeah?
- Oh, yeah? Okay.
It's IKEA, but for pigs.
[screw-gun]
- Yeah?
- [Lisa] Yeah.
Yeah.
Is that on the where it's painted?
[screw-gun]
- Okay.
- Perfect.
Er
- Oh for fuck's sake!
- What?
There's no door.
- We were supposed to use that.
- [Lisa] Oh those go there.
- [Jeremy sighs]
- Jesus.
[Lisa] Okay?
I picked up the nearest bit of wood.
I didn't realise you needed a door.
But pigs need doors.
We've gotta swivel it round, haven't we?
Yeah.
We've now been exactly half an hour.
[Lisa] Right.
Sansa? Arya?
[Lisa] Oh! I'm going backwards.
[Jeremy] Sansa! Arya! Come here.
Sansa? Arya? Dogs?
[Jeremy sighs]
Oh, they're here.
Sit.
Sit.
Arya, sit.
[screw-gun]
Sit.
Sit.
Sit.
[Lisa] Oh, God.
Right, look, well, it's firm ish.
That's good. Let's get the next one.
[screw-gun]
[upbeat music]
I can't remember
how many days it's taken us
to build this pig migration centre,
but we have pretty much done it.
[Lisa] Yep.
Perfect.
[laughing]
[Jeremy] I am actually feeling
really rather pleased with that.
If there's any pig farmers watching
who wanna write in, do.
Mark your envelope:
"Yeah, we were impressed as well."
Er
"Diddly Squat Farm,
Chipping Norton, Oxfordshire."
[Jeremy] But, despite our best efforts,
the pig hotel wasn't quite finished
by the time our guests arrived.
[tense music]
- I'm Jeremy.
- [man] Hello, Jeremy.
[Jeremy] How are you?
This is Lisa. Wherever she is.
- [man] Hello, there. How are you?
- [Lisa] Nice to meet you.
- [man] Nice to meet you too.
- [Peter] Hi. I'm Peter.
- [Josh] Hi. Josh. Nice to meet you.
- Hello, Josh. How are you?
- What have you got here?
- [Peter] Proper pig boards.
[Jeremy] What are they for?
[Josh] To steer the pigs in the paddocks,
so they don't run that way.
- Oh, you use the board. I see.
- [Lisa] Oh, right. Easy.
You can't put them on a lead.
[all laughing]
I've seen Babe! I know how it works.
Piggies!
- How old are these ones?
- [man] About a year.
[Jeremy] Are they what you call weaners?
Or are they gilts?
[man] Moving on
from weaners to gilts, yeah.
[Jeremy] I can't wait to get them.
Can we get them out?
[Lisa] Yeah.
[Jeremy] Here they come!
[man] Good pigs.
[Jeremy] Oh, they are fantastic!
Look at them!
You rare breed, you!
- So those are how old?
- [man] They're coming up to a year now.
[Jeremy] I love their socks
they've got on.
[Lisa] I know!
But there's one Oh, bigger pig.
Much bigger pig coming.
- Why is this one so much bigger?
- [Josh] She's much older.
- How old is she?
- This is a breeding sow.
About two. So she has had baby.
They haven't met before.
- [Jeremy] Oh, haven't they?
- [Josh] No. So there might be a little
of working who's who.
I'll keep these back, shall I? Come on.
- And they're all lady pigs?
- [Josh] All lady pigs.
They've got their hackles up
on the back of their neck.
[Jeremy] Like a dog?
[Josh] That's how you know they're
getting a bit grouchy with each other.
And they just don't like
each other because?
They've not met before.
They'll make friends soon.
[squealing]
- [Jeremy] Fight! Fight! Fight!
- [Josh] Girls, be nice.
[Jeremy] This is a proper
[Josh] She's much bigger,
but they've got each other,
so they'll stand their ground.
[squealing]
Shall we get the electric gates on?
There you go. You're on now.
We're on. So if they touch it now
[squealing]
- [Jeremy] There you go.
- [Josh] It's working.
- [Jeremy] The electric fence is on.
- [Josh] Yeah.
[Jeremy] It was then time to put
the young piglets in their compound.
- [man] Ten in here for you.
- [Jeremy] I'm looking forward to this.
- [squeals]
- [Jeremy laughs]
Come on, piggies.
Welcome to Diddly Squat.
- [woman] They're gorgeous.
- [Jeremy] Aren't they fantastic?
[woman] Yeah, they're glorious.
[Jeremy] Piggly Squat.
That's what the herd's called.
[woman] It is a superb breed.
[Jeremy] When the sun shines on them,
they look metallic.
[woman] Chestnut. They're like conkers.
Nobody here will remember the NSU Ro 80.
There was a car called the NSU Ro 80.
You used to be able to get that
in exactly the same colour.
- [woman] Really?
- A sort of metallic bronze.
[man] Yeah.
- [Jeremy] He's found the potatoes, look.
- [man] Yeah.
[woman] They're gorgeous. Look at them
running around. They like it.
[squealing]
Oh!
[chuckling] Lisa's beside herself!
[Lisa] You're so cute!
[Jeremy] Aren't they just the best?
[Lisa chuckling] Yeah!
"It's potatoes! Potatoes!"
[Jeremy] Look at them!
They've gone mental!
"Oh, this is lunch! It's literally lunch
everywhere you look!"
[Lisa] They all follow each other.
Oh my God, they're so cute.
[Jeremy] That one thinks it's a dog.
[squeals]
- [Jeremy chuckling]
- [Lisa] What are you doing down there?
[Jeremy keeps chuckling]
[Lisa] So how long are they here for?
A couple of months?
[Jeremy] Yeah. They winter up here.
[Lisa] Hey, girlies.
[Jeremy] Till they've eaten
all the potatoes.
- [Jeremy] And then they're off.
- [Lisa] Oh! The Piggly Squats!
[upbeat music]
[Jeremy] Finally, we had to release
the last group of pigs
into the pen where
sex would take place.
So this for the middle field
is a sow, a gilt and a boar.
- So sows had babies before?
- Yeah.
- A gilt
- [Lisa] A gilt hasn't.
[man] This is Mabel.
She can be a bit cheeky.
- [Jeremy] And Mabel is a sow?
- [man] Yes.
Come on, Sarah.
[Lisa] Come on, Sarah!
[man] Come on, darling. Come, pig.
[Jeremy] I do know the boar
is called Ajax.
- Ajax?
- Ajax.
[Jeremy] Here we go.
- [Lisa] He's a young boar.
- [Jeremy] Yeah, he is.
He's nowhere near as stocky
as I thought he'd be.
[Lisa] He's young, though.
- [Jeremy] Here he goes. Look.
- [Lisa] Here we go.
Hello. Look at this.
This is the meeting of
- [Lisa] "Hello, sailor."
- [Jeremy] Sarah and Ajax.
[woman] Love at first sight.
Aw, they're kissing.
[Jeremy] There was, however, no time
to enjoy this Mills & Boon moment.
[screw-gun]
Because we had to get
the throuple's pig house built
before nightfall.
[upbeat music]
[Jeremy] Here comes your house
Ajax and Sarah and Mabel.
[music continues]
So if there's a big "clonk",
I could squidge a pig.
[clonk]
[Lisa] That's good.
It is now
dark.
[Lisa] Okay.
[Jeremy] Oh-oh.
The sow is now going to join Lisa.
[Jeremy laughs]
[Lisa] There you go. See?
[Jeremy] Oh, no!
More worryingly, here comes the boar.
- That is
- [Lisa] Oh, no, no, no. Not all of you!
[Jeremy laughs]
[Lisa] Jeremy?
Erm Jesus.
[Jeremy keeps laughing]
["Tomorrow’s Gonna Be a Brighter Day"
by Jim Croce playing]
I'm sorry for the things
that I told you ♪
But words only go so far ♪
And if I had my way
I would reach into Heaven ♪
[Jeremy] The Piggly Squat pigs
settled down
to the business of settling in.
And pearls from a summer sea ♪
But all I can give you
is a kiss in the morning ♪
And a sweet apology ♪
[grunts]
And tomorrow's
gonna be a brighter day ♪
[Jeremy] I, meanwhile,
cracked on with farming life,
which, this week, included
one of Charlie's skull-numbing catch-ups.
If we were to plant woodland,
there is the Woodland Carbon Code.
So, the long and the short of it is
we could put those into a herbal ley.
We have to tell Defra we're keen.
We need to make that application
by the end of March.
[Charlie's voice fading out]
allocated
a certain percentage of their income
to environmental,
social and ESG governance.
You know, particularly the food industry,
Scope 3
[Charlie's voice fading out]
[Jeremy] And, after I woke up
two days later,
I had to send the precious spelt wheat
off to the mill.
Right, I'll just load
this grain lorry by myself
because Kaleb
is still being a Millennial.
Here we go.
[clanking]
Can we edit this out?
[upbeat music]
[Jeremy] A week after the pigs arrived,
I took Lisa to see them,
because my breeding plans had hit a snag.
[Jeremy] So the big problem I've got is
whenever you see the boar
mounting that sow
Uh-huh?
How can I put this delicately?
He can't reach.
[Lisa] Do you have to give him a hand?
Well, he's much smaller
- than she is.
- [Lisa] Yeah.
- So when he gets on her back.
- [Lisa] Yeah.
- His penis
- [Lisa] Yeah.
Isn't long enough to get into her vagina.
[Lisa] Er, well, I'm sure she's
There's a way of working that out,
isn't there?
[Jeremy] Hello, pigs.
[Jeremy] Luckily, we arrived just in time
to see the little boar
having yet another attempt
to mount the much bigger sow.
[Jeremy] There he goes.
But this is the problem, look.
Look how much smaller he is.
[Lisa] He's too small.
[Jeremy] It's not going in.
Go on, get it in. It's not in.
It's not in, you blithering idiot.
[Lisa] It's not coming out either,
to be honest.
[Jeremy] His cock's come off.
Where's it gone?
His cock's not coming out.
Come on!
Er
[boar grunting]
I don't know what you do about this.
[Lisa] She's being very patient.
[Jeremy] Well, she's desperate.
But you're gonna have
to move your feet forwards.
That was just
the most terrible shagging ever.
- [Lisa] He's desperate.
- [Jeremy] He just pushed her.
- [squealing]
- Oh no, you've electrocuted her.
[Lisa] Aw. Look, he's saying sorry.
[Jeremy] We decided to leave him
in the sex pen for another week,
in the hope he'd get
the birds and the bees sorted out.
[soft country music]
This meant
we could focus on other things,
which was handy.
Because a couple of days later
[car honking]
Jeremy, a farmer down the road,
brought some old friends back.
- [bleating]
- There you go.
Look who it is!
Hello, "sheeps"!
[Jeremy] A moment only slightly spoiled
by a social faux pas.
[Lisa] Hello, Jeremy the Younger.
- [Young Jeremy] Hi, Lisa. How are you?
- Good.
- Congratulations on your marriage.
- Thank you.
I didn't know.
Yes, we're invited
to the wedding, darling.
- I did know. How's it going?
- Yes.
[Jeremy] Then it was time
to prep the barn
where our remaining cows
would be living through the winter.
Another job where Kaleb
was conspicuous by his absence.
- You know he's better? Fully recovered.
- Yeah.
So much better he's gone on holiday.
- You're joking? How long?
- All week.
- What?
- He's gone to Cornwall.
He'll get a nose bleed, because it's more
than a mile from Chipping Norton.
But he's gone. In this weather.
- I suppose he thinks
- [Lisa] Yeah?
[Jeremy] His side of the farm,
the arable side,
he can't do anything,
so he may as well be on holiday.
- I thought he was farm manager?
- Our side of the farm,
the profitable side of the farm,
we have to put in a shift.
[upbeat music]
How did the world work
without telehandlers?
I do not know.
[Lisa] Yeah, forward.
[music continues]
Yes!
[Jeremy laughs]
[Jeremy] Come on, cows.
[Lisa] Hiya. Gently. Hiya.
[Jeremy] Look. Your hotel!
[cows mooing]
- [Lisa] Hiya. Hiya.
- [Jeremy] Go on.
[Jeremy] No. Uh-uh, uh-uh.
[Lisa] That's the one. That's the one.
Oh, man. Yeah!
[Jeremy] I'll let you out in five months.
Look at that, Mr Cow.
[Lisa] Okay. We're done.
[Jeremy] A pretty idyllic sight, that is.
Look at that.
You
look delicious.
[mooing]
[upbeat music]
[Jeremy] We had to assume,
while all this was going on,
that the boar
had done his thing in the sex pen
and that we could now introduce him
to the ladies in the next pen along.
[squealing]
[Jeremy] Hello, pigbies.
[Jeremy] This turned out to be one
of the wettest and most confusing hours
of my entire life.
Oh, here comes the rain again. Now
[Lisa] Okay, Annie Lennox.
[grunting]
Oh shit. This is like Tetris.
Where does this go?
- Oh it's really raining.
- [Lisa] Okay.
[Jeremy] Yeah.
This is heavy rain now.
- [Lisa] Quickly do it.
- Oh, nearly. Keep going.
- [Lisa] Yes!
- Yes! Well done, Lisa.
Well done you.
[Lisa] Ow!
- It's attached somehow to the electrics.
- [Jeremy] You gotta
[Jeremy] Can you stop
the pigs coming out?
It's just a clearing-up shower.
[Lisa] That doesn't work.
[Jeremy] You're dead right.
[Lisa] You have to
[Jeremy] We didn't measure it properly,
did we?
[Lisa] No, we didn't. "We" didn't.
[grunting]
[Lisa] Okay, quickly, open that one.
Open that one.
And I'll somehow
get the boar without the
[Jeremy] Now, we only need
the one with the penis.
[Lisa] Oh! Okay.
- [Jeremy] Not her.
- There you go. Look. Biscuits!
[Jeremy] Oh shit! No! Fuck!
- Where's that one come from?
- [Lisa] What?
- [Jeremy] One of the gilts got in.
- Oh shit.
- Which was which now?
- [Jeremy] Which one was it?
[Lisa] Er
This one?
Yeah, this one. The little ginger.
[Jeremy] Well, we've gotta get that back.
Oh, Christ. I fucking hate farming!
Come on.
Come on.
No, no, stop it.
Stop it.
Go. No, stop.
You, stop. Stop. Stop.
[Jeremy] As I tried to grab
the young filly,
the older lady pig got cross that
her boyfriend was suddenly interested
in a slimmer alternative.
No, no, stop it.
She's jealous.
He's going to pork her.
He's on already.
But the big sow wants to be porked. Look.
Look, if I pretend
to be shagging her here,
she's gonna leave that one alone, right?
Yes, but we've got
to keep this one No.
Look, look, look. She's jealous.
[Jeremy] The only solution
was to distract the older sow
with something better than sex.
- [Jeremy] Have a ginger nut biscuit.
- No, she
- [Jeremy] Look at this.
- She doesn't know it's not the boar now.
[Jeremy] You see?
I'm trying to spot if his cock
Yes, his cock's out!
- [Lisa] Okay.
- His cock's out!
- And in. It's in.
- [Lisa] She doesn't know
[Jeremy] No, let him finish.
- [Lisa] That I'm not
- No, let him just finish.
[Lisa] Get the biscuits, darling.
Get the biscuits!
- But which one for?
- For this one.
Look, she's fascinated
by the whole thing.
No, don't put your face in it. Oh, God.
Here, have a biscuit.
[Lisa] Oh God.
[Jeremy] It's the longest
Come on, man.
[Lisa] Jeremy,
I think you should be doing this bit.
[squealing]
[Jeremy] Has he not finished yet?
[Lisa] Jeremy, can you do
on the back of her, please?
And I'll do the biscuits.
[Jeremy] Come here.
Right. She's got to think
that she's having sex.
And I'm now giving her that impression,
according to my book.
Oh, but she's having a biscuit
and sex simultaneously.
And she prefers biscuits.
- [Lisa] Here, biscuits, biscuits.
- Will you hurry up?
Honestly.
You're having sex.
Lovely, romantic, it's Barry White.
No, don't!
Lisa, just pay attention to the pig!
- You're going to interrupt-
- [Lisa] Biscuits, biscuits.
Don't pull it out.
He must finish in a minute.
Oh, he has!
Huge quantities of sperm.
[Lisa] No, no, no.
[Jeremy] Back it goes.
The porkscrew is away.
[Lisa] Okay, quickly.
[Jeremy] Eventually,
we got all the pigs sexed
and back to where
they were supposed to be.
And I could relax.
- [Jeremy breathing]
- [Lisa whining]
[Jeremy] Oh shit.
What the hell?
What the hell is that?
Has one of the pigs
been sick in my pocket?
[Lisa] You're kidding?
- [Jeremy] Look.
- [Lisa] What the?
[Jeremy panting with laughter]
[Jeremy] What the bloody hell's that?
- [Lisa] Is that? Is it?
- [Jeremy] Ugh.
Ugh.
For fuck's sake.
[soft orchestral music]
[Jeremy] It was now almost two months
since the other Donny boy had planted
his wheat and beans in the field.
And Charlie reckoned we should check up
on how
his regenerative farming was going.
[Jeremy] So can I just ask, Charlie?
All the stuff that looks like grass
- [Charlie] Yeah.
- Isn't grass? That's wheat?
[Charlie] Yeah. That's wheat.
And then these here,
they're beans.
- [Jeremy] Were beans.
- Look, I picked up the roots.
That's quite exciting.
[Jeremy] And this is
what Kaleb said won't work
[Charlie] He said
the drill wouldn't work.
- [Jeremy] Well, it has.
- Correct.
- That's bloody good, isn't it?
- [Charlie] Yeah.
Who knew? Old Groove Armada's
done a good job in here.
Well, it looks okay.
And then
Look, there's no disease. They're clean.
Look at all those worms, Jeremy!
That's what he'll get excited about.
- [Jeremy] Who? He will?
- Yeah. Earthworms.
[Charlie] Do you know what this shows?
[Jeremy] It shows that you've uprooted
a perfectly healthy plant,
- thus depriving me of some cash.
- There's some nodules on there.
Since we're here,
we might as well have a biology lesson.
There's some nodules on here.
And that's the bit
that the magic happens in the legume
where it makes nitrogen
from the atmosphere
and stores it in the plant.
- That's what we're trying to do?
- [Charlie] Yes.
But back in the soil, isn't it?
Well, this won't release the soil
till we kill it and destroy it.
But they've gone pink.
See how it's fleshy pink in there?
- [Jeremy] Yeah.
- Which means they're active.
[Charlie] The bacteria in your soil
are making nitrogen.
A man from Groove Armada
is making nitrogen in my soil.
Nobody's ever said that before.
It's never been used as a sentence.
[dramatic music]
[Jeremy] Charlie and I
then headed to the office
to discuss
the council's enforcement notice.
Which didn't just
shut down the restaurant.
It made running the farm shop
nigh on impossible as well.
They wanted us to close the small bar
where customers could buy
my Hawkstone beer.
They didn't want us
parking cars in the fields.
And said the loos had to go.
And worst of all, they were insisting
we shut the burger van.
Check on one burger,
two truffle, one chilli.
Thank you very much.
[Jeremy] Which was now the only
realistic way of selling our meat.
[waitress] Thank you very much.
Thank you.
[Jeremy] The restaurant,
I could never see that coming back,
but we had to do something
to protect our shop.
- Farm shop.
- Farm shop.
- We've got some choices to make.
- Okay.
If they make
that enforcement notice stick,
"no car parking",
they'll ban parking on the road,
and we won't be able
to sell anything other than an apple.
So I was thinking,
why don't we try and move the farm shop
up here?
That's out of Chadlington's
parish council area.
And more importantly, this bit
isn't in the Area
of Outstanding Natural Beauty.
- No.
- So what if we put it there?
We just close it down here.
Massive losses
with all of the work we've done,
you know, getting power there,
getting the loos installed,
concrete floor, everything,
- building the shop itself.
- Yeah.
So why don't we go
to the council and say:
"How would you feel if we moved the shop
into the top end of the farm?"
So, I get the theory,
I get the logic, but
I knew there'd be a "but".
There's no guarantee
that they will grant permission here.
So what we should do is
Erm
- Personally, I feel
- You think fight it?
I don't think "fight"
is necessarily the right word.
It's the emotive word.
But actually what I think we should do
is put our views across
in a sensible, logical, objective way,
- which has not been
- Fight the fuckers.
Which has not been done.
Hammer them
into the ground like tent pegs.
I think some of their points probably
we do need
- to be more forceful than others.
- [Jeremy] Yeah.
- And such as, you know
- Lavatories.
Yeah.
They say we can't have a lavatory.
So when you're a shopgirl there
and you're not allowed to go to the
- There won't be a lavatory.
- Or a shop-boy. You could be either.
It's more difficult.
A boy can go behind a bush.
If you need to go to the loo
you have to get in a car, close the shop,
come all the way down, back up.
So there is a problem.
Anyway, I think what we should do
To not move it.
Not move it.
- Speak to a barrister.
- Not fight them.
And then we put in a robust,
- objective response.
- Robust.
Yes.
Well, I've been watching Yellowstone.
When somebody displeases them,
they murder them,
take them across the state line
and throw them into a ravine.
- I've been looking at that scene a lot.
- [Charlie chuckles]
[rock music]
[Jeremy] Charlie retreated
to his own office
to start work on the appeal.
And while he did that,
Lisa and I went back
to the muddy business of pig farming.
[Jeremy] Oh shit. Look at this.
[engine roaring]
We're stuck as I don't know what now.
[engine keeps roaring]
- [Lisa] We're stuck in the mud.
- Yeah, this ain't going.
[Lisa] They're coming out
to see the show.
[Jeremy] Yes, they're coming out
to laugh at me.
[Jeremy] Look, they are
[Lisa and Jeremy laughing]
[Lisa] Look at them!
They're hilarious! Their little ears!
- [Jeremy] "Look at our ears! Our ears!"
- They're gonna line up and laugh at us.
- [Jeremy] They're growing so fast.
- They really are, yeah.
[engine keeps roaring]
Right. I think we're gonna have
to accept this is going to stay here
until either we get some frost or
No, if I get the tractor,
we can pull it out with that.
[Jeremy] As I returned with the Lambo,
Lisa and I got a bit of a surprise.
[Kaleb] Hi, Lisa.
[Lisa] Hey. Oh, hey, K!
How were the hols?
[Jeremy] Judith! You're back!
- Judith?
- [Jeremy] Judith Chalmers.
[Kaleb] Who's that?
- Holiday person. Doesn't matter.
- I've been on holiday once.
[Jeremy] What do you think?
[Lisa] Not bad, right?
Not bad?
[Lisa] Yeah! Look.
Last time I see this field,
it was a lovely potato field.
I know, but now look at it.
It's a massive pig enterprise.
[Kaleb sighs]
- [Jeremy] I know, it's brilliant, innit?
- Firstly Firstly hear me out.
Who the fuck done the fencing?
[Jeremy] We did!
Who's "we"?
[Jeremy] Lisa and me.
In a rainstorm, at night,
we got the whole fencing done.
- [Kaleb] Look at it!
- What's the matter with it?
Well, firstly, you haven't
even got all the posts the same height.
[Lisa] But that doesn't matter, Kaleb.
It does!
And there's the road!
Look! Again, I can't
[Lisa] Don't be picky.
- [Jeremy] What's wrong with the road?
- Everyone's gonna see it. It looks shit.
- [Jeremy] Oh, I see-
- Look! Look down that line.
Did you use a string line or not?
- [Jeremy] What?
- Did you use a string line?
[Lisa] We didn't really
have time for that.
We were really We had to do it.
It was a rush job.
[Jeremy] Anyway, we've done it.
Not one has escaped.
We put a sign on the road saying:
"Kaleb built these fences."
- It's just all brilliant.
- [Kaleb sighs]
- So
- The pigs look amazing, actually.
[Jeremy] Let me explain
how it works, because
- [Kaleb] Piggy!
- I've been reading a book.
- We've got the weaners there.
- [Kaleb] Yeah.
We've got the boar and two sows in here.
But we started there
and then we put him in there
with three sows.
- Three sows? Hang on.
- So he's now done the lot.
Honestly, there's been pig orgy going on.
- You put the boar in here.
- [Jeremy] Yeah.
And then in a week's space
you put it in with the other lot?
Yeah.
What's wrong with that?
[Kaleb scoffs]
No, you're joking? You're kidding?
Please, tell me you're lying?
No.
[Kaleb] Have you counted their nipples?
- No.
- A pig's got, like, 14 nipples.
Yeah?
They have litters of, like, 10 to 14.
But well, I've done it.
Yeah, but you space it out a little bit.
You don't have
50 piglets at the same time.
You're gonna have 50 small little piglets
running around at the same time.
Honestly!
[Kaleb scoffs despairingly]
Fucking hell!
[expert] I'd be highly cautious about
doing anything around these banks.
[Jeremy] Oh yeah!
[shouts]
Shit! I've never seen
incompetence like it.
Oh!
I am
flabbergasted.
[upbeat music]