On the Buses (1969) s03e02 Episode Script

Music Applause
How are you?
Jack?
Are you coming in for a coffee, mate?
No, I don't think I will.
It's half past eleven.
Yeah, it's a bit late, isn't it?
Yeah, your family's all gone to bed.
No sign of life anyway.
My family's no sign of life when they're awake.
God blimey, this lot's been in bed two hours, mate.
How can you tell?
Listen, listen.
God blimey.
Takes them two hours to work up to that.
Go on.
They spend the first half hour tuning up.
I'll see you tomorrow morning.
Yeah, all right.
Good night, mate.
Shh.
Oh, God blimey, this rotten thing's gone again.
Shut up.
What's that noise?
What's that noise?
What's that noise?
Arthur!
Arthur!
Is Olive all right?
Yeah, of course she's all right.
I thought she might be having one of her funny days.
What's the matter?
What's it for?
It's your brother got berserk in the toilet.
What the hell are you doing in there?
You're waggling me up.
You're snoring louder than what that cistern is.
Damn thing's gone wrong again.
I can't stop it.
You don't know how to do it, leave it to me.
It needs a special sort of jerk.
Oh, I was in a lovely sleep.
Oh, I don't know.
What's going on?
What's the matter with the loo?
Shh.
The jerk's at work.
He needs a delicate touch, I happen to have the knack.
Not with everything.
There you are, that's all right.
All right?
As soon as you let go, it starts again.
Well, Stan, at least you know how to stop it.
All you've got to do is hold the chain down.
Oh, charming, I stand here all night holding the chain down.
Oh, don't talk stupid, tie it down with a bit of string.
Oh, no, if I have to come in here in the middle of the night, I can't, I'm
tight, I'm doing knots.
Not without any glasses, I can't.
Which way are you going?
It needs a good old jerk.
Like this, a good yes.
Oh.
Stan, what have you done?
I've pulled the chain off, haven't I?
Oh, well, what are we going to do?
I can't reach up there and I'm too old at my time of life to go standing on the
seat.
Well, I can fix it, I need a spanner.
Spanner?
We've got one in the bedroom under the bed, get it, Olive?
You keep a spanner under the bed?
What?
Oh, Arthur's like that, he keeps some very peculiar things in his bedroom,
don't you, love?
You can say that again.
Anyway, I need a torch and all.
Oh, we've got one of them too.
Eh?
Torch and a spanner?
I mean, there must be more to married life than I thought.
Anyway, that old thing, I don't know how you've lived with it so long.
No, he's right there, Ma, you know.
Well, there's nothing wrong with that, your grandfather put that up with his
own hands.
Mum, he's been dead 50 years.
Give us a hand up, give us a hand up.
Hold it.
What are you doing now, mate?
Hold on, hold on.
Hang on to it.
Hang on a minute, I've got my foot down the pan.
Hang me down that lid.
Just come out of its seat, that's all that's happened to it.
There.
Keep going.
Come on, Vince.
I've got that.
There, get that.
That's it.
Got it?
Hang on, got the lid.
That's right.
Just come out of its seat, that's all.
See if I can get hold of the
What's Dan doing?
I'm washing me hands, you silly
Get the torch.
There we are.
Right.
There, what can you see?
Nothing, I've dropped the torch in it.
You clumsy great idiot, I've just bought a new battery for that.
Get it out.
How can I get it out?
I can't see it, you idiot.
Its light's gone out.
Well, put your hand in the water, fiddle about.
Careful, Stan.
I've got it ready.
Got it?
Oh, yeah.
Look at that, it won't go on now.
Well, I can't help that.
Oh, Stan, you've dipped your rich spot in the water.
I do in fact not a good
Shut your face.
Get the spanner, get the spanner.
I'll see if I can tighten up the nut on the bolt.
Oh, Stan, you've cracked the basin.
The pan was already cracked.
Oh.
Arthur, see if you can fish that spanner out.
You what?
You can't see any blue fish in there.
Well, you
Oh, thank
you very much, Jack.
Sorry to be such a trouble.
That's all right, it's a pleasure.
Any time.
See you, mate.
Can I go over there now?
Yeah, yeah, he's expecting you.
Oh.
This is ridiculous.
Getting soaking wet every time you want to go out in the loo.
You shouldn't have got up so late.
It wasn't raining when I went.
Yeah, well, I do not intend listening to the weather forecast every time I want
to go.
Well, it can be very embarrassing.
I'm going to wait till I go down to the shops.
It's nothing for it, we'll have to get a new one.
It's going to cost a bit, you know.
Mind you, we could use the old cistern and buy a new pan.
Oh, no, if we're going to have a change, I want one of them low-level sweets.
What on earth for?
I don't want to pull it, I want to turn it.
You're a snob, that's what you are.
And besides, they cost a bomb.
Well, most people in the street have got them.
Anyway, I've got a little bit of money saved up for me high-level grill for the
kitchen.
Now, make up your mind, whether you want a high-level grill or a low-level loo.
Well, most people have both these days.
Well, you'll have to be different, won't you?
You'll have to have a high-level loo and a low-level grill.
Oh, welcome home.
That was most embarrassing.
As I walked down the street like this, the millman whistled at me.
He most probably thought you was his horse.
Ted!
Don't say such things.
Well, now, listen.
What are we going to do about the loo?
We'll all have to chip in.
Chip in?
You must be joking, mate.
You broke it, you pay for it.
Listen, mate.
If you don't pay, you're wet.
I'm going to lock it up so you can't use it.
How childish you are.
All right, then.
You, me and Mum, we pay a third each.
Oh, no, no, you.
It's two of you, you and Olive.
No, me and Mum will pay half, you pay half.
You'll be lucky.
All right, then.
I'll lock it up so she can't use it.
All right, I'll pay half.
I suppose I owe it to her.
Oh, thank you, love.
You can have it for your birthday.
I'll tell you what I'll do, love.
I'll put some candles on the seat and we'll all gather round while you blow
them out.
Oh, boy.
You mustn't say those things.
Hey, listen, I just thought of something.
There's a place on our route that have got all these toilets and baths.
They've got them out on the pavement.
You've seen them, haven't you?
Do you know what?
I reckon I can get one cheap.
Oh, we could go and have a look.
Oh, I want to go.
In that case, I shall be there.
I want to see how you're spending my money.
Why don't we pack some grub and make a picnic of it?
How about some sardine sandwiches?
Oh, lovely.
Well, here we are, Mum.
Here.
How about this one, then?
What's the matter?
Here.
We don't have to choose it in the street, do we?
Why not?
Well, it's not very nice.
Blimey, we're buying a pen.
You're not trying on a dress, you know.
Oh, come on, let's get on with it.
There are plenty more inside.
Oh, shut your face.
How would I mean that?
Oh, dear.
Oh, lovely.
Just pick out a dear one.
That looks nice.
I don't know.
What a lovely colour.
Ooh, I like that one.
Ooh.
That's not a proper one.
That's plastic, isn't it?
Look.
Oh, no.
I want a solid one.
I don't want them plastic ones.
They catch fire.
I've got you too tall.
Catch fire?
Yeah.
Well, if it catches fire, you just put the handle down.
It puts it out, doesn't it?
How do you open that catch fire?
Well, you know how careless Olive is with her cigarettes.
She burnt a big hole in the blanket the other day.
That was in bed.
I wouldn't fall asleep in there.
You'd fall asleep anyway.
Anyway, if it is plastic, it don't catch fire.
It just melts.
Well, that can be very embarrassing, can't it?
I mean, one minute you're sitting there, the next you're floating away on a sea
of red-hot molten plastic.
Oh, no.
Now, I want a solid
Ooh.
I like that one.
Now, that's lovely.
That is
That's O'Donnell.
Oh, no.
It's not.
It's green.
Anyway, it says he's a frustrated export.
Export?
Oh, Stan.
What?
If it's made for abroad, perhaps it won't work in England.
What are you talking about?
Well, like the cars.
They're not the same.
Well, if it pleases you, I'll put a notice on the back.
Left hand drive, no hand signals.
Well, it might be one of them metrical ones.
You know, all different sizes.
We're all different sizes, aren't we?
I mean, you take Olive.
She's got a great big fat
Stan, don't you dare.
Oh, I mean, it's like
It's like Continental shoes.
I mean, they're all different.
They're too narrow for me.
Well, I'll get you a shoe on in case you get stuck.
For God's sake.
What's
Are we going to have this one or not?
Yes, yes.
For God's sake, let's have that.
Lovely, lovely.
Here, mate.
We'll have this green one.
Well, it's £8.15. Now, would you like a nice seat to go with it?
Oh, doesn't it come with a lit seat?
No, they're an optional extra.
Oh.
Wood or plastic?
Take your choice.
Oh, wood, it's much nicer.
What do you mean, nicer?
Oh, well, your wood.
Look, that's nice and warm, isn't it?
I mean, your plastic's all cold.
You can get a rash from plastic.
Alarm, are you done half-talking a load of rubbish?
Well, it's like these nylon shirts.
They don't breathe.
You have them on a couple of hours and you're all clammy.
We're not sitting on there for a couple of hours, are we?
It has happened, mate.
I wouldn't like a wooden one.
I had a very unfortunate experience with a wooden one in Lowestoft.
Do you remember, Arthur?
Yes, yes, yes.
I got a splinter from it.
Do you remember?
Yes, yes.
Now, look here.
Let's make this
Now, if you really want a posh one, how about that blacken up there?
It's got a lid on it.
Oh, yes.
Now, that's lovely.
Oh, yes.
That's more discreet.
I mean, look, this is like having your own front door, isn't it?
I'll put a knocker on it for you, shall we?
Have you made up your minds?
Yeah, we're going to have this greening and we'll have this blacken with the
lid here.
One assistant, but nothing dear, you know, a bit cheap.
Right, you've got all the things that go with it, the pipes and all that?
Yep, you'll find them all in there.
Oh, that's lovely, isn't it?
Yes.
How much is that then?
I'll tell you what I'll do.
I'll let you have the lot for 15 quid.
Oh, right.
And can you send it round straight away, please?
No, dear, we don't deliver, none of these prices.
Eh?
Are we going to get this home then?
Well, I suppose I could do it for you myself, private.
That'll cost you an extra 30 buck.
But not for at least a week, you see.
Oh, we can't
Not for a week?
We can't wait that long.
No.
Here, cop your 15, nigger.
Yes, fine, I'll take the lid.
Now, one minute, how are we going to get this home?
Well, I'm not forking out for a taxi, I'll tell you that.
Oh, wait a minute, hang on.
What's the time?
Here.
Oh, Jack, his bus is due in a couple of minutes.
He'll let us get on with the lot.
Right, take the seat.
I'll get the seat, I'll get the seat.
I'll take that.
Here, roll on in.
Oh!
Wait a minute, wait a minute.
Oh, thanks, cop.
Come on, mate, come on.
Well, I hope you're satisfied now, then.
Yes, that's lovely.
All right, I'm coming, ain't I?
Come on like that.
Oh, look, Mum, there's a couple of seats down there.
I'm all right, love.
I've got me own.
Hey, Jack, mate.
You're not bringing that on this bus.
Oi.
Why not?
This is a public conveyance, not a public convenience.
I'm not having that on.
Listen, mate, this is part of our shopping.
Oh, no, no, I'm sorry.
You're a right liberty taker, aren't you?
I'll get a right rollicking from the inspector if I turn up at the depot with
that on board.
Look, all we wanted to do is drop you off at the bottom of our road.
No, no.
Why the hell didn't you have it sent?
Because he said he'd take seven days to deliver it.
Well, that's your hard luck, then, isn't it?
All right, all right.
Grab hold of that instead.
Grab hold of it.
If he doesn't mind, I'll just pop me round his place.
Oh, what, for seven days?
Blimey, I've had quite enough of that, thank you.
Four of you queuing up and me lying fifth.
All right, come on, then, bring it on.
Stick it down there and I'll keep an eye on it.
You'll have to go upstairs, we're full down here.
It's all right.
Hold very tight now, please.
Oh, blimey, Hitler.
Won't you give him a wash and brush up now, then?
You are the attendant, I suppose, are you?
What is this object here?
Well, haven't you got one in your house?
How did it get on the bus?
Oh, well, someone must have slipped it on when I wasn't looking.
Eh?
Yeah.
Or it slipped out of somebody's pocket, I suppose.
Oh, hello, Blakey.
Oh, yeah, this is mine.
Butler?
I might have guessed I'd find you behind that.
What do you mean by bringing that object on the bus, eh?
Well, what's the objection?
Objection?
You do know what it is, I suppose, don't you?
Yeah, it's a large egg cup.
Egg cup.
I'd like to see the bird that could fill an egg with that.
So would I, but I'd hate to be around when it was flying.
Get it off, come on.
Anyway, listen, Jack let me on with it anyway.
Well, he had no right to.
Hang about.
I know my rights.
Rule 62, a conductor is allowed to use his discretion to let things on the bus.
Yes, and an inspector can use his discretion to order them off.
Get it off, come on.
You had no right to put it on there.
It's unhealthy.
Look, mate, you're a bus inspector, not a sanitary inspector.
Blimey, the way you were talking, anybody would think it was connected up.
You heard what I said.
Get it off there.
You had no right to put it on there at all.
It's obstructing the platform.
Ah, ah.
Rule 81, nothing will be carried which obstructs the platform.
What's the order?
Oh, it's him, Blakey.
What's the matter now?
This bus is not moving off until that closet's taken off.
Oh, come on, come on, come on.
Well, find some other way.
Go on.
You're enjoying this, aren't you?
Yeah.
I thought it was going to be a rotten day and all.
Here, can we go now?
No, hang about.
I'm going to have a word with your driver, he's running late.
I said he's gone.
So?
Well, let's stick it in the back of the bus.
Aye.
Stick it in the back of the bus.
Oh, what happened?
Here, come on.
Hi.
How are you?
Here we are, then.
Oh, yeah.
Thanks very much.
Thank you.
That's all right.
Bye, Marty.
Give me another.
There.
Marty.
Thank you very much.
Thank you.
That's it.
Done it.
Lovely.
Hey, Mum!
You can come and have a look.
I've finished it.
Do you mind?
I was here first.
You get in the queue.
Well, I was only just enquiring.
Yeah, well, then.
Are you sure you made the connections all right?
Don't be daft.
Now, if you don't fancy it, mate, go elsewhere.
That's all.
Listen, Mum.
I've put this one in, and it's one of them nice, quiet ones.
You can hardly hear a sound.
Do you come and listen?
Come and listen.
All right.
Why don't you keep quiet just when Stan's going to demonstrate?
It's not a symphony concert.
We're not the Albert Hall.
Well, keep quiet while he does it.
You ready?
Who do you think you are?
Are you Udi Menuhin?
Will you be quiet?
Shh!
Is that it?
No, that was me shushing him.
I haven't done it yet.
I'm going to do it now.
Now, listen.
Here we go.
Is it finished?
Of course it's finished.
That was it.
Oh, wasn't it lovely?
Oh, and doesn't the seat look nice?
I'm glad we got that solid one.
Oh, I've got a lovely little doily.
Oh, no.
Very nice.
Just finish it off.
There, now.
Why don't you put the vase of flowers on it?
And that picture of Dad in the silver frame, you know?
Oh, Stan, how could you?
Well, it's a bit stupid, isn't it?
I mean, the doily's going to fall off every time you lift a
You're a great twit.
You can't lift a seat.
Oh, that could be very awkward, Stan.
Well, you're going to need to be an acrobat, aren't you?
I ain't done it wrong.
It's a bit stiff, that's all.
Maybe I'll go
Take it off.
That's if we're ever going to use it.
Either that or put the doily and the flowers on.
We'll all go round the jacks.
Oh, stop being funny.
There's no need to take it off.
Look, I've left a space here so an assistant can go back for it.
That's all it is.
I'll give it a push and that's it.
There we go, then.
Right.
Go on.
Right.
Boom.
Oh.
Oh.
Oh.
Oh.
Oh.
Oh.
Oh.
Oh.
Turn it off.
A feather.
The big one.
The big one.
This is the one.
Lift, lift.
I'll hold it, give it a twist.
Oh!
No, put it out of the water, love, put it out of the water.
Oh, it's too late, I'll turn it off.
Give us that spanner, I'll fix it.
There's no water, I was just about to rinse my hair in the water.
I'll turn it off, you'll have to wait.
I can't, the shampoo's got dye in it.
If I don't rinse my hair now, I'll be overdone.
I didn't know you dyed your hair.
I do.
I thought it was natural, Mouse.
I don't know why.
I know, it won't really fall out.
If it just does love, you can have a hairstyle like he's got.
Now go and turn it on, I'll fix it.
I'll do it.
It's all done now, love.
Now, Mum, it's all done, and I must say, ready for use.
Oh, isn't it lovely?
I've waited 25 years for this.
Have you really?
Yes.
Well, in that case, you'd better go first.
Oh, no.
I live for me low-level sweets.
Oh, yeah.
Well, if it's all working now for you two, don't mind, I was here first.
Oh, right.
Do you mind if I pick up me tools?
Yes, have a go.
There you are, lovely boy.
There we are.
Right.
Just be my guest.
Thank you.
Lovely.
Excuse me.
Right.
You stupid fool, you can't shut the door.
That's you, you low-level loo.
It makes the pan stick out so far, I can't shut the door.
Well, can't you shove it in a bit more?
Not unless you want the other half in the street.
Look, it's no good.
You'll never get a new one like the old one up there.
Well, what are we going to do with this one?
We've only just bought it.
Advertise it, that's what I'll do.
I'll stick an advert in the paper.
One owner, never been used, brand new.
Well, think of something.
Yeah, well, meanwhile, we've got to make some arrangements for tomorrow
morning, haven't we?
Come on!
Come on!