Superjail! (2007) s03e02 Episode Script
Superfail
[ "The Star Spangled Banner" plays .]
Oh, life on the outside ain't what it used to be You know, the world's gone crazy, and it ain't safe on the street Well, it's a drag, and I know There's only one place to go I'm coming home Whoa, yeah I'm coming home Warden: There! That's where I want the new petting zoo! Now, should I list the animals by name, rarity, or hostility towards human contact? I've got it memorized each way.
Jared: Sir, don't you think the inmates would benefit from something more practical? A computer lab would -- Warden: Be totally boring! This is Superjail, not super-detention, Jared! I've never let an inmate die of boredom, and I won't start now just 'cause you think like a failure! Jared: Sir, "failure" is an awfully harsh word.
Warden: Hey, don't beat yourself up.
Sure, Superjail would suck if we did things your way.
But that's why I'm here -- to protect you from being an uninspired, shortsighted, small-thinking, failure! Failure! Failure! Now, as for that petting zoo Oh, my God! Warden! What have I done?! Alice: Hey, you dicks up here? Yo.
I got to ask the warden which library I'm dozing to make room for that zoo.
Jared: Uh, you just missed him! He -- he actually told me we're not getting a petting zoo.
We're getting a computer lab.
Alice: Pfft.
Whatever.
That's fine.
Jared: That is fine! I can run Superjail my own way now! And don't you worry, warden! This failure will get you fixed up good as new, right after I order those computers.
Jared: With all due respect, sir, this job is easy.
Of course! He's right here.
"Splendiferous job, my big metal buddy!" Warden: Energy drinks? Really? Looks like someone's having a hard time keeping up.
Jared: You're not the warden! You're just my mind playing tricks! I can handle Superjail all on my own! What happened to mein power?! Nein! Nein! Be still, mein beautiful kindermonstrum! You mustn't leave your papa's side! Ze world will not understand your purity! Not mein old sewage treatment network! You will be lost forever, and smell like ze stinky poopy! Come back to me! Come back, mein beauties! Nein! My laboratory has been castrated! Explain! Jared: You can continue your silly, little experiments when some more resources pop up.
Idiot! Mein lab's stability is vital to Superjail's wellbeing! Jared: Sorry, doc, but this comes directly from the warden.
Zis is ze biggest mistake Superjail has ever made! We will all pay! Jared: Whew! Tough work! But it's all worth it! They'll earn G.
E.
D.
s, read about current events.
They'll become better people! Jared: Are all of you just looking at porn?! Dude, man, your voice is such a serious boner killer.
Warden: Congrats on the porn den, failure.
Jared: Shut up! I am not a failure! Everybody, run! Hey, fellas, if you got to be loud about it, take it to your cells, all right? Jared: Warden! No! Warden: Nice work, buddy.
Getting eaten by a big, freaky dog -- exactly what I had in mind for today.
Big success.
Jared: Don't worry, warden! Everything will be fine! Just play dead! Alice! The warden's been -- Alice: Out of my shot, diva! I'm doing my Greco-Roman training webcast.
Hey, your ugly mug's making all my viewers drop off! Jared: Your viewers are being mangled by monsters! Alice: Mmm, sounds kinky.
Jared: I can do this! I can do this! I can do this! No chance, failure! No way, failure! Unh-unh, failure! Failure! Failure! Failure! Failure! Failure! Failure! Drink up, failure! More hair of the dog, failure? Jared: All of you, shut up! Ugh! Quit it! Jared: I can do this! I can be the boss! No! I am a failure! Oh, why have mein babies left me for a world that can't love zem as I do? Jared: I'm telling you, doctor, I'm sorry! But you've got to help me! You're the only one who knows the old sewage treatment plant! How could zey think they're better off without me? All I ever did was give zem a home, and all the extraneous limbs zey wanted.
Jared: Sometimes people -- or mutant monsters, I guess -- can forget their place.
That's why they need a good leader to keep them in line! If your babies need you, then damn it, let's go get them! And the warden! And put all of Superjail back to normal! God, little man, you speak ze truth! I shall reclaim mein family! Jared: Oh, thank you, doctor! And I'll get your electricity back, plus all the funding you need from now on! Plus, I get to keep your scrumptious cranium upon your demise.
Jared: Deal! Blind spot, 2:00! Jared: On it! The Omni-hound requires warmth and seclusion for it's den.
We ride to ze sedimentation tanks! Jared: Here I come, warden! A guard dog is useless once it's known love! You've practically killed this animal yourself! So you may as well kill this animal yourself! Warden: Now, as for that petting zoo -- Jared: Great idea, sir! Warden: I must say, Jared, this was one terrific idea! Ja! I should've been charging admission for zis [Bleep.]
years ago! Jared: I'm so glad everything worked out! I'll always protect and serve you, sir! Warden: Uh, ahem-ahem-ahem! Then what do you call this, smart guy?
Oh, life on the outside ain't what it used to be You know, the world's gone crazy, and it ain't safe on the street Well, it's a drag, and I know There's only one place to go I'm coming home Whoa, yeah I'm coming home Warden: There! That's where I want the new petting zoo! Now, should I list the animals by name, rarity, or hostility towards human contact? I've got it memorized each way.
Jared: Sir, don't you think the inmates would benefit from something more practical? A computer lab would -- Warden: Be totally boring! This is Superjail, not super-detention, Jared! I've never let an inmate die of boredom, and I won't start now just 'cause you think like a failure! Jared: Sir, "failure" is an awfully harsh word.
Warden: Hey, don't beat yourself up.
Sure, Superjail would suck if we did things your way.
But that's why I'm here -- to protect you from being an uninspired, shortsighted, small-thinking, failure! Failure! Failure! Now, as for that petting zoo Oh, my God! Warden! What have I done?! Alice: Hey, you dicks up here? Yo.
I got to ask the warden which library I'm dozing to make room for that zoo.
Jared: Uh, you just missed him! He -- he actually told me we're not getting a petting zoo.
We're getting a computer lab.
Alice: Pfft.
Whatever.
That's fine.
Jared: That is fine! I can run Superjail my own way now! And don't you worry, warden! This failure will get you fixed up good as new, right after I order those computers.
Jared: With all due respect, sir, this job is easy.
Of course! He's right here.
"Splendiferous job, my big metal buddy!" Warden: Energy drinks? Really? Looks like someone's having a hard time keeping up.
Jared: You're not the warden! You're just my mind playing tricks! I can handle Superjail all on my own! What happened to mein power?! Nein! Nein! Be still, mein beautiful kindermonstrum! You mustn't leave your papa's side! Ze world will not understand your purity! Not mein old sewage treatment network! You will be lost forever, and smell like ze stinky poopy! Come back to me! Come back, mein beauties! Nein! My laboratory has been castrated! Explain! Jared: You can continue your silly, little experiments when some more resources pop up.
Idiot! Mein lab's stability is vital to Superjail's wellbeing! Jared: Sorry, doc, but this comes directly from the warden.
Zis is ze biggest mistake Superjail has ever made! We will all pay! Jared: Whew! Tough work! But it's all worth it! They'll earn G.
E.
D.
s, read about current events.
They'll become better people! Jared: Are all of you just looking at porn?! Dude, man, your voice is such a serious boner killer.
Warden: Congrats on the porn den, failure.
Jared: Shut up! I am not a failure! Everybody, run! Hey, fellas, if you got to be loud about it, take it to your cells, all right? Jared: Warden! No! Warden: Nice work, buddy.
Getting eaten by a big, freaky dog -- exactly what I had in mind for today.
Big success.
Jared: Don't worry, warden! Everything will be fine! Just play dead! Alice! The warden's been -- Alice: Out of my shot, diva! I'm doing my Greco-Roman training webcast.
Hey, your ugly mug's making all my viewers drop off! Jared: Your viewers are being mangled by monsters! Alice: Mmm, sounds kinky.
Jared: I can do this! I can do this! I can do this! No chance, failure! No way, failure! Unh-unh, failure! Failure! Failure! Failure! Failure! Failure! Failure! Drink up, failure! More hair of the dog, failure? Jared: All of you, shut up! Ugh! Quit it! Jared: I can do this! I can be the boss! No! I am a failure! Oh, why have mein babies left me for a world that can't love zem as I do? Jared: I'm telling you, doctor, I'm sorry! But you've got to help me! You're the only one who knows the old sewage treatment plant! How could zey think they're better off without me? All I ever did was give zem a home, and all the extraneous limbs zey wanted.
Jared: Sometimes people -- or mutant monsters, I guess -- can forget their place.
That's why they need a good leader to keep them in line! If your babies need you, then damn it, let's go get them! And the warden! And put all of Superjail back to normal! God, little man, you speak ze truth! I shall reclaim mein family! Jared: Oh, thank you, doctor! And I'll get your electricity back, plus all the funding you need from now on! Plus, I get to keep your scrumptious cranium upon your demise.
Jared: Deal! Blind spot, 2:00! Jared: On it! The Omni-hound requires warmth and seclusion for it's den.
We ride to ze sedimentation tanks! Jared: Here I come, warden! A guard dog is useless once it's known love! You've practically killed this animal yourself! So you may as well kill this animal yourself! Warden: Now, as for that petting zoo -- Jared: Great idea, sir! Warden: I must say, Jared, this was one terrific idea! Ja! I should've been charging admission for zis [Bleep.]
years ago! Jared: I'm so glad everything worked out! I'll always protect and serve you, sir! Warden: Uh, ahem-ahem-ahem! Then what do you call this, smart guy?