The Cleaner (2021) s03e02 Episode Script

1
VAN DOOR SHUTS
All right?
You're a big lad.
Thank you?
What are you up
to? I'm here to clean.
Come on, be serious.
I'm a crime scene cleaner.
Crime scene?
Oh, for the, uh, shepherd's hut.
Some poor lad
tried to do himself in.
Oh, no! It wasn't
a shotgun, was it?
Not being insensitive,
you know, but they're a bit
"Pfff! Pfff! Speurgh!"
You know. Messy.
I think it was pills.
Yeah, he's all right.
He's in the hospital
now, apparently.
But, uh, it's a right
old mess in there.
Honk and plop.
Honk and plop? Honk
and plop all over the shop.
It's like a bloody pig pen.
Well, I'm a blood
spatter specialist.
I don't get called out for
honk and plop. By the way,
"honk and plop" is not a phrase.
Well, you'd better get to work.
She wants it rented
out at all times.
Have you, uh
Have you seen her yet?
Who? Lara. The owner.
What do you mean?
She is a prime slice
of marbled totty. Right.
Nice, is she? Oh,
the curves on her.
She's like Jessica
Rabbit, but not a rabbit.
She's like
..the Cadbury's rabbit.
Is she a rabbit? No, but I
bet she bloody goes like one.
She has got the lot - face,
boobies, and a bum like a peach
plucked from the
branch in Provence.
A ripe peach. Overripe,
if anything. Messy
All right. OK, I get it.
She's a messy rabbit.
She's a messy rabbit, all right!
I'm telling you, if I
got the green light,
I'd be at her like a
bloody sewing machine.
Ooh, yeah.
Ooh! Ooh!
Hey. Hey!
Hey. Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!
I heard you the first
time. She's a messy rabbit.
Who's a messy rabbit?
Oh. No, sorry.
He was just saying that, um
Hee-hee, hee-hee, hee-hee!
Sorry. I'm looking
for the owner.
I'm the owner. No,
but you're, um
Are you? It's just he said
you were, but you're
Are you trying to say pregnant?
Yes, you are. Obviously!
One doesn't like to assume.
You thought I might
just be fat? You're not fat.
No, I'm Yes. With child.
I didn't ride to a stable
on a fucking donkey.
Do you struggle with
the word "pregnant"? No.
Say it, then. Preg-nont?
Oh. Oh. Fair play.
That did sound weird.
The shepherd's hut's over there.
I need it cleaned by tonight.
Do you need anything?
I'll have a cuppa if you're
offering. I'm not. Oh. Too busy.
OK.
I haven't been over
yet. Is it messy rabbit?
Is it messy?
Well, it needs cleaning. But
you're a cleaner, aren't you?
Crime scene
cleaner. So a cleaner.
How is he? The guy in hospital.
How should I know?!
5pm, please.
Cake? Huh?
The missus made it,
so it's probably poisoned.
You made a swift
exit. I told you, didn't I?
What a filly, eh?
Bold as brass and
twice as bouncy.
Why didn't you tell me she
was preg-nont? Pregnant.
Hey. Absolute fun
house, though, isn't she?
I don't know. I don't think she
liked me. She was quite cold.
I know.
That's what drives me crazy.
I sometimes mow the
lawn badly on purpose.
Little does she know, while
she's giving me that disapproving
look, I'm like a bloody
pine tree downstairs.
I've got two heavy baubles.
Tinsel weaving Enough.
Have a bit of respect. The
woman's having a baby.
Don't worry. She's single.
You can still get in there.
I don't want to get in anywhere,
apart from in this shepherd's hut.
I think she's given
me the wrong key.
It sounds daft, but I'm a bit
scared to tell her I can't get in.
Oh, pull yourself together, lad.
I'll tell her I need some water,
and then I'll have a look for a key
when I'm in there. Uh!
Hey. She didn't even
have a bloke, you know.
Turkey baster job.
What? Well, she's
knocking on, isn't she?
She wanted a little 'un, so she
got hold of some special boy sauce
- and
- HE SLURPS
"Beep, beep!
Lucky baster, I say.
My God, what I wouldn't do to
have half an hour with my socks
off bouncing around that castle.
Do you ever do any gardening,
or are you too busy just writing
in to Razzles'
readers' wives section?
Come on, big lad.
She's ripe for the taking.
Too old to have
a bun in the oven.
She'll consider owt.
You're not an ugly lad.
From the right angle.
It's none of my business
what she does. All right?
And I don't want to star
in your rural Carry On film
about some woman who's
had to use a turkey baster
because she's too
old to be a mum.
I what?!
Oh. No.
He was just
because of the, um
Because
HE HISSES
The
Johannes, you are incompetent.
No. You had your
chance to reassure them.
Now I am going to have
to go to Munich in person.
No, I don't want you to go.
I want you to charter me a jet.
Can you manage that?
Careful. There's a knack to
Hey! Hey! Hey!
Hey, hey, hey!
We'll talk about this
in your review. Hey!
WATER DRAINS
Did you get your water OK?
There's something
wrong with your plumbing.
Well, I mean, not your
plumbing, obviously.
That's fine.
And we're back on
my pregnancy again.
Yes, and on that,
I did not say that out there.
That was your gardener.
So Donald is mourning the
death of his wife of 40 years.
Is he? Yes. He tends to be
fighting back tears
most of the time.
So perhaps rather than using
an old man's pain as an excuse
for your opinions, you should
I don't think you're
too old to be a mum.
Don't you? No! I like old mums.
Old OLDER mums.
Nice. Nice mature mummies.
That's wrong. That sounds
like one of Weasel's films.
He shouldn't sell them down
the market. They're illegal.
I have a flight to pack for.
You have your water.
Hang on. You can't fly.
Why shouldn't I?
You don't want to give birth
mid-air like a crow, do you?
Is that it? Nah, it'd
be nests, would it?
My God.
Oh. A van in your drive.
Yes. It's paint for the
nursery. Decorators.
No, it's a delivery.
I'm painting my nursery.
Are you?! Yes. I'm pregnant.
I'm not ill.
Nice. What colour
are you going for?
Oh.
I see.
Oh, the the key?
PHONE BUZZES
Um
Your phone is
Sorry, your-your phone's going.
Hello? Lara.
Oh, no. Sorry. She's
not here at the moment.
Who's that? Oh, I'm just doing
a little bit of work here. Right.
I've heard about this dreadful
business in the shepherd's hut.
How is she?
She seems fine. Well, she's not.
She's in shock, and in her
condition that is very serious.
Hot, sweet tea.
Sorry? Make her a
cup of hot, sweet tea.
I will be over shortly.
Oh, no.
Listen, I don't think
I should do that.
You boys will never have to
endure the horrors of childbirth.
And that is as nature
intended. But your role is vital.
If I arrive at that house and
my daughter is not sitting
in a chair with a cup
of hot, sweet tea, I shall
be extremely disappointed.
Tell her Mummy is coming.
Yeah, but
LINE GOES DEAD
Mummy's coming.
Tea break, is it? What the fuck?
Oh.
HE LAUGHS
Sorry. No, this is for
you. Hot, sweet tea.
I don't want a tea. Really?
She was quite insistent.
Who was? Your mum.
My mum's here? No, I just
spoke to her on the phone.
What, you answered my phone?
Why would you answer my phone?
Oh, well, you
weren't around. And
Anyway, she's coming over.
I don't want her to
come over. I'm going out.
I could call her back. No.
I want you to clean
my shepherd's hut.
Sorry, I didn't
mean to upset you.
I'm not upset. I'm angry.
You do understand
the difference.
Yes.
Now
..you listen to me.
No.
Sorry.
I thought we were playing
Belly, Belly, Poke, Poke.
Since you've been here, you
have inappropriately commented
on my looks, age, fertility
and means of conception.
You've interfered in my travel
plans, made judgments about them,
and patronised me by doing
jobs you were not asked to do.
You've helped yourself to the
contents of my kitchen cupboards,
answered a call on my personal
phone and, even as we speak,
are being paid for a
job you have not started!
I haven't included
gender-profiling my unborn child
just to give you the
benefit of the doubt.
I haven't said anything
about your unborn kid.
WHINEY VOICE: "What
colour will the nursery be?"
HE GASPS
SHE SCOFFS
What am I going
to say to your mum?
Tell her I've gone
to get my hair done.
She'll like that.
And do not tell
her about my flight.
Do you understand?
SHE SCOFFS
Oh.
Fired her up a treat
there, didn't you?
All I did was make her a cup
of tea and told her her mum
was coming round.
What are the rules here?
Her mum?! You jammy bastard.
How'd you get two of
them on the go? What?!
Mother and daughter.
Bit of sweet and sour on a
Friday never did anyone any harm.
Hey, she scrubs up all right
for an old bird, you know.
Like smoked pheasant.
Gamey, but rich in flavour.
SINISTER LAUGHTER
I need to get into that hut.
Oh, don't worry about that.
No, you've got enough on
your plate, you old horn bag.
Save your energy.
Can you go away?
It was you that got
me into all this shit.
You're the one doing the
mother-daughter double.
Oh, is that going spare?
I'm not doing anyone.
I need to work.
Hey, what's all that about
your wife being dead?
Oh, well, I just said that in
case I was in with a shout.
I didn't bank on
you coming round,
going through the whole
family like a threshing machine.
Bloody hell, lad. Did
you put salt in this?
Argh!
How's it possible
to hate a door?
Hello.
Ah. Was it you I
spoke to on the phone?
Yes. She's not in at the moment.
She's just popped out
to have her hair done.
Good God. What for?
She said you'd like it.
Have you ever seen what
childbirth does to a vagina?
No. Mine looked like a pack
of hyaenas had been at it.
What do you make of that?
Look at me.
Look at me.
I said, what do
you make of that?
I don't like it.
No, I mean, the last
thing I was concerned
about when I was split asunder
was how nice my hair looked.
But that's Lara for
you. Warped priorities.
Right. You crack on with the
nursery, and I will go and make that
kitchen fit for the
arrival of a child.
Chop, chop!
Told you. Hot sex mutton.
As I expected, the place
is a petri dish of germs.
The girl has no idea
what's about to hit her.
If you're taking a
break from the nursery,
you can help me here.
No, sorry. I should
have said, actually.
I'm here to clean
the shepherd's hut.
You're all wet.
Oh, yeah. I had
a little accident.
Right. Get those clothes off.
Oh, no, I don't think
I should do that.
Well, you're no good to me
damp, man. We have things to do.
We'll put those in the tumble
dryer, then come up with a plan.
No! Sorry.
No.
Absolutely not.
Yes, bought some sperm,
the way I'd throw a
punnet of grapes in a trolley.
I said to her, "Enjoy
raising a serial killer's baby."
Are my clothes dry yet?
Oh, I mean, when I think of
the life that girl could have had.
Is it any wonder he
tried to take his own life?
Replaced by a
science experiment.
Who? Did she not tell you
who the man in the
shepherd's hut was?
He was her ex-husband.
No way! Who can blame him?
I mean, what role
have you boys got left?
Being male is toxic these days.
A man putting together a flat-pack
wardrobe for a lady is the modern
day equivalent of a flasher.
And was flashing so terrible?
I mean, if you want to show
me your privates, go ahead.
I'll pass judgment and we
can both get on with our days.
No, thank you.
Look, can I go back to the hut?
She really was quite
adamant, you know.
Oh, she always was.
Always had an opinion.
Caused chaos at her Brownie
pack, insisting they should be allowed
to wear trousers. Right.
Well, that's good, isn't it?
Is it? Is a nine-year-old girl
going on hunger strike good?
Yeah. OK. Fair point.
Look, I know you're worried
about her, but honestly,
she really does seem
very organised, you know?
Do you think?
That poor little mite.
Not even a nursery to
pop its little head down in.
No, I think she's
got it all worked out.
I think when she gets back
from Munich, she'll, um
Munich?
Um
Please. Not my passport.
She can't fly. She's
37 weeks pregnant.
If you think I'm going to allow my
granddaughter to be born mid-air
like a crow, you've got
another think coming.
I've googled this and
they 100% use nests.
What my daughter needs
now is a man, so be a man.
Do you really think it's a good
idea jetting off to another country
when the life you are bringing
into the world doesn't even
have a bed to lay in, let alone
the hirsute arms and well-built body
of a father?
You may have been made a
eunuch by the woke brigade.
Some of us still have balls!
Please!
Wait!
I'm scared of her!
You're a bloody animal, lad!
HE CHUCKLES
Yeah?!
Oh!
Be a man.
What is man?
What would man do?
The Blue Danube
by Johann Strauss II
Now, before you say
anything, let me explain.
I didn't do this because
I thought you couldn't.
Of course you could.
I did this because I was here.
I know, as I'm sure you know,
no man or wu-man is an island.
It takes a community to
bring a life into the world.
Well, for me, it was just about
being part of that community.
Just for a little while.
This isn't the nursery.
Hmm?
This is the laundry room.
Why would I have the nursery
so far from my bedroom
..in the laundry room?
Yeah, that doesn't make
sense at all, actually, does it?
And what the fuck is that?
It's a gender-neutral bear.
I have a flight to catch in
one hour, and now I have two
rooms to paint.
Thank you.
And why are you wearing
my dressing gown?
Huh?
Look at me.
Look at me.
Why are you wearing
my dressing gown?
I got cold.
I don't know where you
get the energy from, lad.
You must be gobbling
vitamins like a hungry hippo.
Get away from me,
you twisted pervert!
Oh, ey up, her
comes your missus.
She must have heard
about you and her mum. Ooh!
Where is it?
Huh? My passport. Where is it?
I haven't got it.
Well, it's gone.
And you're the only
person who knows I'm flying.
Look, I don't know
anything about it, all right?
I just want to get
on with my job.
Thought you'd make an
executive decision, did you?
Where is it?
I've got no ideaaaa!
Yeah!
The strength!
It's unholy.
On your knees.
Argh! Yeah!
My passport!
Where is it?!
I haven't got it.
HE WAILS
It's your mum.
She took it.
I told her about the
flight. You did what?
I know about your
ex. She told me.
It's a lot for you to take on.
It wasn't your fault.
I think he was just overwhelmed.
I think he just
wanted to be a father.
That's what she told you?
He's a loser.
But he tried to
take his own life.
He didn't try to take his life.
He just turned up
pissed - as usual.
We split up ten years ago.
He just took a bottle of
whisky to the shepherd's hut
and locked himself in.
It is typical of my mum
to romanticise things
and, it seems,
you to believe it.
Yeah. I've had a bad run of
judgment lately, I'll admit that.
I'm going to pack.
Clean my hut.
I can't get in!
For fuck's sake!
Bloody hell!
There's a knack to it.
Seriously?
FLIES BUZZ
Oh, my God.
What?
HE RETCHES
It's just it's so much
worse than he said it was.
I clean up blood and
guts every day, but I just
I can't stand
Honk and plop?
So it is a phrase.
HE RETCHES
Pass me the mop.
Oh, no. I couldn't let
you. Just give it to me.
HE RETCHES
A clean-up woman
Is a woman who
Gets all the love
we girls leave behind
The reason I know
so much about her
Is because she
picked up a man of mine
I took this man's love
and put it on a shelf ♪
Good. OK. Now,
what you need to be
And like a fool I thought
I had him all to myself
When he needed
love I was out having fun
But I found out
that all I had done
Was made it easy
For the clean-up woman ♪
Sorry.
He'd have been really
impressed if it was blood.
Not bad. Thank you.
Oh!
Now what?
I'm going to miss
my bloody flight.
I'm amazed your gardener
hasn't popped up yet.
He'll have gone home.
He's not been himself
since his wife passed.
He seemed devastated.
He really was.
Well, there you go.
You can never meet a partner.
Or you can meet one and they die.
Either way, you're on your own.
Bloody hell. Cheer up.
If it's that bleak, why are
you having a kid anyway?
Mainly because
I've had a good time.
I've picked rubbish men.
But I've really enjoyed
knocking about on this planet.
I thought I might be a
good coach to a little one.
You really will be.
Not that you asked my opinion.
But, come on.
I mean, partner or not, no-one
can do it all by themselves, can they?
Oh, you might be right.
But you and I have a bigger
problem on our hands right now.
Hey?
My waters have broken.
Oh, fuck.
I thought you said you'd
be OK with blood. Oh, f
Sh!
I can't fit through there!
No.
You can't. And nor can you.
If a crow can give birth
mid-air, or in a nest, I can get
through that skylight.
Enough about crows.
A man with your belly
cannot fit through that skylight.
What do you think
I do at the beach?
HE INHALES DEEPLY
I hold it in.
SHE SCREAMS
Yeah!
HE GROANS
HE SCREAMS
HE SCREAMS
SHE SCREAMS
Ah!
SHE SCREAMS
I'm free!
I'm a man!
Get stuck in there, lad.
Don't worry. We can
do this together.
I've had it.
Hey? The baby. I've had it.
BABY CRIES
Oh, yeah!
Ah! Well done.
Help me, then!
Yes.
BABY COOS
That is safe?
It's water.
I do know what I'm doing
sometimes, you know.
Come on, you.
We're going to be OK, aren't we?
Of course you are.
I was talking to the baby. Yeah.
We're going to sleep
in the nursery tonight
..with the gender-neutral bear.
Are you?
Are we fuck?!
Darling?!
I rang her. Wrestle
me if you want.
Oh. Oh!
Oh, darling, she's beautiful!
He, Mum. HE'S beautiful.
Have you fed him yet? Oh,
that's not how you hold him.
Come here. Let Nanny show you.
I'm managing.
And you did it all
without gas and air.
Oh, was it very painful?
Horrendous. That's my girl!
Ooh!
Hey, talk me through it, then.
Bet you had a right eyeful.
Oh, hello, love.
What are you doing
here? Looking for you.
I didn't want to just
leave you a note.
I'm leaving you.
What?
No. Y-y-you can't.
I'm sorry. It's
nothing personal.
Donald, I have needs.
It's not your fault you can't
But I have needs!
Damn you, little Donald!
Damn you!!!
Do you wish we'd had kids?
Hmm?
Do you wish you
and me had had kids?
No. One's enough, babe.
Yeah.
Too much honk and plop, innit?