The Suite Life on Deck (2008) s03e02 Episode Script

"Eventually she will be sorry.
" Aw, man.
I have to go back to the optometrist.
I'm reading this "mosquito man" comic, but it's all blurry.
You should try wearing the 3-d glasses.
Ah.
Mosquitoes! They're all over me! Oh.
Come in.
Cody.
Bailey.
Woody.
Sorry, I just wanted to play.
Now that we're broken up, I'm returning your stuff.
Oh, really? Yeah, I mean, I thought you might need your graphing calculator, your scientific calculator, your algebraic calculator Wow, you need a calculator to figure out how many calculators you have.
Well, I have one.
It's just not the kind of thing you lend out.
While you're here, I do have some of your things.
You had my washboard hero? I was practicing to impress you, but I guess I don't have to anymore.
I certainly won't miss trying to blow "tiny dancer" on the jug.
Well, I certainly won't miss having to rub hand sanitizer on my face before you'll kiss me.
You know how many germs there are on the human cheek? No! No one does except you and it's weird.
Mm That is why I do not have a girlfriend.
Yeah, that's why.
Oh ay oh, oh ay oh come along with me and let's head out to see what this world has ♪ for you and for me now ♪ ♪ whichever way the wind blows ♪ - we say - Hey-ho, let's go! - oh ay oh - This boat's rocking - oh ay oh - Ain't no stopping us now 'cause we're living the suite life - oh ay oh - This boat's rocking - oh ay oh - Rocking the whole world round and we're living the suite life now hey ho, oh ay oh let's go! Yay! I got an "a" on my money tree.
But there's no money on it.
There was when I handed it in.
Look, Cody, we got an a+ on our science project.
You're welcome.
Where do you think you're going with buck? Back to my cabin.
Um, I don't think so.
He's coming home with me.
Uh, not so fast.
- He's more my rat than yours.
- No, he's not.
I'm the one who cared enough to name him.
Cared? You just used the term for a male rat buck.
I did not.
Buck was named after how my teeth looked when I was 10.
Now let go.
- No, you let go.
- No, give him back.
What right do you have to take buck from me? - What's going on? - He's my child! I just got a call about a disturbance.
Thanks for coming so quickly.
What are you two fighting about? We're arguing over who should get to keep our lab rat buck.
Hey there, little fella.
Aw come here.
Look, he likes me.
He's giving me little kisses.
He's just licking barbecue sauce off your tie.
Now can I please have him back? No, don't give him to Cody.
Give him to me.
No, me.
I'm clearly You two need to cool the heck down now! I'm gonna need some backup in the science lab.
You don't even have a radio.
You're just talking to your shoulder.
That's it! Against the wall, mister.
Whoa! Easy, big guy.
You're right.
Sorry.
When bad stuff goes down, my 30 minutes of cruise ship security-guard training kicks in.
- Wasn't that, like, an online course? - Yeah.
I had to come up with a user name and a password.
That was intense.
Since you guys can't decide who should get the rat, maybe you should have a responsible, impartial third party decide.
Good idea, Woody.
I'd be happy to do it.
No Well, I guess that would be okay.
Obviously you're gonna pick me.
Ha, no.
He's going to pick me.
I'm not picking anybody until I do a thorough evaluation and background check on the both of you.
In the meantime, I'll take care of this cute little guy.
Aw, look at his little whiskers.
Hi hi.
Ow! That little booger bit me.
Well, that's what you get for always taking his food.
I can't help it.
These food pellets are delicious.
Mm mm.
Uh, Woody, those aren't food pellets.
You know, sloane, these strawberries are almost as sweet as you.
Does this rat bite look infected? Not now, Woody! Now where were we? I got a tetanus shot and antibiotics on it.
But when you lift up the scab, it's all milky in there.
- Look.
- Ew! It even smells disgusting.
Oh, no no no.
That's actually just my socks.
Bye.
Thanks a lot, Woody.
Well, I'm sorry, but this rat bite is really freaking me out.
- Why don't you go bother Cody? - No way.
He might have that evil lab rat with him.
Lab rat, huh? Now let me get this straight.
You were bitten by a rat that had been subjected to scientific experimentation? - Yeah.
So? - So? You read comic books.
You're probably beginning to mutate as we speak.
- Mutate? - Uh-huh.
Oh, you're even beginning to grow rat whiskers.
I am? Ah, and your eyes are turning pink.
Yep, you're transforming into a rat.
Y-you're right.
I feel this sudden urge to scurry.
- Zack, you've gotta help me.
- Okay okay.
Now if I were you, I'd scurry immediately into hiding.
If the government figures out you're a mutant, they'll lock you up and experiment on you.
Remember what they did to poor poor mosquito man? They they cut him open and tried to remove his proboscis to turn him into a giant blood-sucking superweapon! Dude, stuff like that happens.
Ahh! Whew.
All right, Bailey, I'm here to observe how you interact with buck.
I have everything I need Notepad, pen, and Mr.
gingerbread.
You really need that? You're right, I can just remember everything.
Now you and the rat just go about your normal business.
Okay well, as you can see, Kirby, this is a loving, nurturing environment for buck.
A rat, a rat, a rat! Kill it, kill it, kill it! London, it's just my pet rat buck.
Ugh, you know, it's bad enough I have to live with you.
Now I have to live with another hairy-legged, buck-toothed creature? She's just jealous because you can find your way out of a maze and she can't.
Now Cody the control freak would keep poor bucky locked up all day, where I would allow him to roam freely around the cabin.
That is the worst idea i've ever heard.
Yeah, I agree with the dork.
That is disgusting.
Cody, this is my evaluation with buck.
- You're not supposed to be here.
- Uh, correction.
I'm not supposed to be in the room, which I'm not.
I'm in the hallway.
You're gonna be in the hospital if you don't get out of here.
Please stop.
I don't like conflict.
- You're a security guard.
- You think I wanted this gig? If I could fit in a tollbooth, I'd have my dream job.
Oops! I crushed him.
What?! Oh, that's it.
I'm breaking down this door.
Daddy's coming, bucky! Where's buck and how bad is he crushed? Right here, and not at all.
Then who was crushed? Mr.
gingerbread.
Now, Kirby, you're about to see why my cabin would make a far safer and happier home for buck.
Compelling argument.
I am moved.
Give the rat to Cody.
What are you even doing here, london? Trying to make sure that filthy rat doesn't move into my cabin.
Rats are not filthy.
That's a vicious stereotype spread by cats and pied pipers.
Now research has shown that daily mental stimulation helps keep rats healthy and happy.
So it's time for math.
It's time to go.
Now, buck, to calculate the volume of a cylinder, - you take the height - Okay, come on.
When is buck gonna need to calculate the volume of a cylinder? I don't know.
Only every time his careless mother I'm gonna look over there.
Only every time his careless mother I'm gonna look over there.
Forgets to refill his drip bottle I'm gonna look over there.
Forgets to refill his drip bottle so he has to ration water for a week.
One time, and that's only because the ship ran out of bottled water and you won't allow him to drink from the tap.
Tap water is full of micro-organisms.
Maybe if you had some of the nutrients from tap water, you wouldn't be so weak that a girl could beat you up.
Oh, no girl has ever beaten me up.
Oh, give it a minute.
Break it up, you two.
- What what is this? - Sticky string.
I have another half hour of training before they let me have pepper spray.
No no no.
I am The rat.
I am Applying for a new roommate.
London, I'm doing some background interviews, trying to decide who's better suited to take care of buck Cody or Bailey.
Cody for sure.
Bailey's terrible with animals.
But didn't she grow up on a farm? Ha, you call it a farm, I call it a death trap for cows.
This hamburger used to have big brown eyes and a bell.
I submit exhibit "a.
" Exhibit "a" entered into evidence.
Cody? Oh, they hate him.
They always end up scratching his face and then running away.
Wow! Pets hate him that much? Pets? I thought you were asking about girls.
Now, Woody, I have some questions regarding a certain rat.
What rat? I'm no rat.
I'm not asking you to squeal on anybody.
I'm just trying to figure out where this rat should end up.
Well, where he should not end up is in a government laboratory, being poked and prodded like a freak.
Just leave him alone, okay? Kirby, so have you concluded that Bailey's loosey-goosey attitude proves that she is not fit to take care of buck? Or have you concluded that life with Professor killjoy here is something that no living thing should ever have to endure? Will you two stop? - You're gonna scare buck.
- He's gone! - What? - I don't know how this could've happened.
I know I had that cage door closed.
Well, buck does know how to open his own door.
He does? How? Well, I I taught him.
Why would you teach him that? - In case there's a fire.
- That's crazy! No, what's crazy is you encouraging him to roam free.
At least I let him enjoy life and don't make him wear a helmet on his exercise wheel.
Those things are unregulated death traps and you know it.
- You're an unregulated - Enough! Buck must've run away because he was sick of both of you fighting.
I know I'm sick of it.
If anything happens to that little guy, it's on your heads.
Well, how are we gonna find one little rat on this great big ship? "Missing pet rat.
Reward: $5.
" This should do it.
"Wanted: Dead rat.
Reward: $500.
" This should do it.
Oh hi, Bailey.
Can you believe Cody had the nerve to blame me for losing buck? I mean, who teaches a rat to escape from his own cage in case of fire? The same guy who puts on four kinds of sunscreen before he turns on a light.
I can't believe I wasted a whole year of my life with him.
Yeah, and now you're wasting my life talking about him.
Look, why don't you just forget him and move on? You're right, I should.
I mean, he's controlling, obsessive, pompous Creepy, scrawny, whiny, eats ribs with a fork and knife.
- I mean, how weird is that? - That's not his fault.
He happens to have extremely soft teeth.
Gasp! You are so not over him.
I am so! I'm looking for a real man, one who can chew gum without crying and start his own apple.
Wow, you've got some high standards.
Okay, Cody, this has gone on long enough.
You're doubled over in pain.
Just use the bathroom already.
It's not that.
I think I dropped my key.
Never fear.
Ratman is here! And sloane is leaving.
Once again thank you, Woody.
Civilian, I am not Woody.
I am ratman! So, ratman, do you have a key? To the city? No, not yet.
But I am expecting a call from the mayor anytime now.
I meant the key to our room.
Oh.
No.
But worry not, for my ratlike powers allow me to squeeze through the smallest of openings.
Woody, you can barely fit through that door when it's open.
Fear not, citizens, for I will find another way into that lair.
Unfortunately not the rat I needed to find.
Ah, yeah.
Bailey told me you lost buck.
That isn't my fault.
And I can't believe Bailey is blaming me.
- I I am so done with her.
- Glad to hear it.
- I'm never gonna talk about her again.
- Excellent.
I mean she's impulsive, irresponsible, reckless, and takes way too big a bite when she starts my apple.
It's called starting an apple, not finishing it.
- Well, she does have that horsy overbite.
- That's not her fault.
I mean, her family couldn't afford real braces, so they had to use chicken wire.
Wow, you are so not over her.
I am so! - Where's that stupid key? - Oh, I have one.
I like to use your bathroom so I don't stink up mine.
Never fear.
Ratman is almost here.
I'm going to try and lure buck out of hiding "Of mice and men.
" - He's reading a book? - Nope, he's eating it.
Stay safe, citizen! Okay, Woody, this has gone too far.
I know, but I can't stop the mutation.
So I decided to embrace it.
Now as ratman I have roamed this floating Metropolis in search of villains and chunks of gouda.
Okay, you don't have any superhuman abilities.
You barely have normal human abilities.
Then explain how I can squeeze through this small opening.
First of all, you can't even get your rat fat through.
And second of all, I just told you all that rat stuff so you'd stop scaring sloane.
But now you're scaring her more And me.
And whoever's on the tail end of this porthole must be terrified.
All we have to do is bait these boxes.
And when buck comes along, he'll be captured without any harm.
Here, take some bait.
- What is this? - Soy bacon.
Vegetables masquerading as pork that should be illegal.
Here, bucky.
Here, buck.
Hot dog.
What? Bailey! You know that buck doesn't eat meat.
- Actually he does.
- Since when? Since he hadn't eaten in days and your stupid tofu was piling up in his cage.
I can't believe that you compromised buck's health and his commitment to supporting small family-run organic farms.
A little hot dog is not gonna hurt him.
Ha, well, did you know that some hot dogs have traces of rat in them? So now thanks to you, buck's a cannibal with a cholesterol problem.
I hate rats.
Goodbye, rats.
I hate rats.
Goodbye, rats.
Goodbye, ratty rats.
- London.
- Hmm? - Those traps could kill buck.
- Oh, if we're lucky.
Oh no! Oh yes! Ow! What are you doing? Those traps are for the rat, not you, Woody! I'm not Woody.
I'm Ooh, cheese.
Ow ow ow ow ow! Look, there's buck! We gotta save him.
But only a rat could climb up there.
Fear not.
Ratman is here.
Move aside, citizens! Ah, you're too slow.
Careful.
I've got him.
Yay! Now snap his little neck! Whee! Bucky, are you all right? Oh, don't ever scare daddy like that again.
The important thing is he's safe, and we owe it all to the vermin vigilante.
Rats! Ratman, that was amazing.
Aw, just doing my duty, which also includes escorting young ladies to their cabin.
- Why, thank you.
- Hey hey hey, wait.
- She's my girl.
- Let's see Juice guy, superhero Later.
Come on, buck, let's go back to my cabin where you'll be safe.
Uh, not so fast.
Kirby still hasn't decided who gets to keep buck.
Actually, I've decided to let buck decide.
Huh? Well, you both obviously love him.
So the only fair way to do this is to let buck choose who he wants to be with.
Whoever he goes to gets to keep him.
Come on, bucky.
Come to mommy.
Venez ici.
Venez à papa.
I'm teaching him french.
Come on, I'm getting bucky.
He must still be smelling that barbecue sauce.
- Maybe buck is trying to tell us something.
- Yeah.
I mean, while we've been busy fighting, Kirby's been taking great care of him.
So if buck wants to go with Kirby, - maybe we should just let him.
- You're right.
I mean, if that's where buck's happiest, that's where he should be.
Really? Thanks, guys! I'll take great care of him and you can come see him whenever you want, just not at the same time.
Glad we could agree on one thing.
Yeah.
Can we also just agree to stop bickering? Agreed.
Wow, Cody.
We shook hands and you didn't even make me sanitize.
People can change.
Every community needs a protector, a hero willing to poke his whiskers into the face of danger.
Those who prey on the frail and weak, beware, o villains, my mighty squeak.
For I am ratman! I'm gonna need freakishly large animal control on the sky deck.